Hello, fellow Dlisted-ers! I’m Jovi, reporting from Seattle, WA. Where I spend most of my time staring at the mailbox waiting for a magical letter confirming that I am the dumpster lust baby conceived by Jerri Blank and Laird at the Flatpoint High “Make Out Dance.” The other 20 minutes of my day, I enjoy sitting on the front porch, critiquing the Grunge Revivalists that pass by, wiping away tears of nostalgia and sighing about how easy it is to buy pre-ripped jeans and flannel shirts now. We really had to thrift hard for that shit back in the day. Anyway, enough curmudgeonry, let the antics begin!
Poor Madonna has probably been feeling a bit “True Blue” lately, as she hasn’t had any viable press or felt “Cherished” since the Met Gala six weeks ago, so she decided to throw a little “Ray of Light” on herself (luckily, that’s all I’ve got). Well, Madge got the attention she craved this morning, but not entirely the kind she had in mind.
If you’re gonna take a little tumble in front of thousands of people, please do yourself a favor and be Beyoncé. Mere mortals who fall face myriad dangers such as, but not limited to; broken bones, chipped teeth, wig misalignment, a spike in humility, compromised vanity, mortification, a bruised ego, a bruised ass and tears. But when Beyoncé falls, as she did during her second Coachella set this weekend, it’s as if the fluttering of a billion little bee wings surrounded their queen to protect her from harm and humiliation by creating puff of air which hoisted Bey back up off the ground.
If you were to ask the Beyhive how they felt about their Queen Beyoncé’s performance at Coachella last weekend, first they would throw you a side eye before correcting you with “You mean BEYCHELLA?”. Then after they’ve shamed your ignorance they will answer by dropping to their knees and chanting “We’re not worthy!” like Wayne and Garth. I think that’s how they start each day anyway. Luckily they can take those quick knee dropping skills to the Grace Cathedral in San Francisco, because they’re about to have a Beyoncé–themed mass that’s tailored just for all of her adoring stans.
Actresses Sanaa Lathan and Sara Foster have both been eliminated as suspects in the Bey-Bitegate scandal. Tell me again how investigative journalism is dead? Yesterday proved that both legitimate news outlets and passionate citizen detectives are dedicating time and energy to answer the burning question of the day (ok yesterday): #whobitbeyonce? The Cut and Vulture both did a deep dive into the case that amounts to this generation’s Lindbergh kidnapping.
After two weeks worth of drama about Taylor with the scaly skin, I’m almost happy to welcome back a story about Becky with the good hair. Shortly after Beyonce maybe called out her husband’s maybe-sidepiece in Lemonade, The Beyhive wasted no time in attacking everyone they thought was Becky. The first person they came for was Rachel Roy, who faced their wrath after posting a cryptic message about good hair and #nodramaqueens on Instagram. The Beyhive attacked her Wikipedia page and her social media accounts. They might have also attacked her email and iCloud, which has prompted an investigation by the LAPD.
While Jay Z is reportedly busy working on a reponse to Lemonade (working title: Lemonade Stand By Your Woman If She’ll Still Let You), the first alleged Becky may have written some emails about Bey-Z that will be released soon. Except it won’t be on purpose, and it will probably make this situation even messier.
According to The Sun (via Page Six), Rachel Roy is sweating a little more than usual today. A source claims that Rachel has recently informed her friends that a whole bunch of private information has been stolen from a file on her computer. Some of that information includes emails that she’s afraid may get her a whole lot of unwanted attention if they get out. No word on how they were stolen or by whom or if several CCT security cameras have recently caught a woman in a yellow coffee filter dress and a ski mask slinking around Rachel Roy’s building.
The source doesn’t get into what’s in those emails that could possibly make so much trouble for Rachel. Rachel has already denied that she ever did anything with Bey’s husband, so it can’t be dirty emails from email@example.com, right? Maybe she’s freaking out because some of those emails are between her and someone else’s husband? Or maybe those emails contain information far more humiliating and shameful, like a whole bunch of emails informing her that no one has accepted her LinkedIn invitations yet.
Regardless of what kind of incriminating evidence is in those emails, Rachel might want to grab a few extra epi-pens or whatever you use to treat bee stings. If I know The Beyhive, it doesn’t take much to set them off. “This email is addressed to a Jayden Zander. Jayden Zander is totally an alias for Jay Z! DEFEND THE QUEEN!”