The 2017 Tonys had only one job to do and that was to give us Bette Midler yodeling out a song from Hello Dolly! That didn’t happen. Thirty five layers of NOT AMUSED swept across my face when I realized that the rumors about Bette not performing at the Tonys were true. The phones at CBS’ offices probably exploded from mad bitches demanding a damn refund of their time when the performance from Hello Dolly! turned out to be Niles Crane singing a boring song in front of a boring curtain. But Bette Midler kind of made up for it when she shut down the orchestra who dared try to play her away from the mic.
The Golden Globes, Oscar’s high school dropout little brother who holds the record for getting kicked out of Dave & Buster’s the most times, are tonight. And that means it’s that time of year when many of us get drunk at home while watching drunk movie stars throw shady eyes at the peasants (read: people on TV). The flu has taken over my body, so I’ll probably be the one who gets so plastered on TheraFlu Sours (TheraFlu and whiskey) that I’ll be cheering for Lily Collins and Jonah Hill to win.
Don’t feel guilty about filling your eating hole with all kinds of deep fried deliciousness tonight, because you’ll burn at least 10,000 calories from rolling your eyes at everything the GGs host Jimmy Fallon does. Since Jimmy is hosting, he probably won’t make fun of the famous rich bitches in the room like Tina Fey, Amy Poehler and Ricky Gervais did. Jimmy will save his energy for kissing their asses and playing Wheel of Musical Impressions with Meryl Streep (as Florence Foster Jenkins). Actually, I’d be into that second one.
And now that leads me to today’s Open Post: the oh-so-scandalous speech that Bette Midler gave in 1980 when she won the Golden Globe for New Star of the Year in a Motion Picture for The Rose. Bette busted out a titty-licious Golden Globes pun and then acted like she was going to suck off her trophy. This speech is practically G-rated today, but apparently back in 1980, it made parents THINK OF THE CHILDREN by covering their kids’ eyes and ears.
That will forever be one of my favorite GG speeches, but I hope someone tops it tonight by actually deep throating their award. (I’m talking to you, Ryan Gosling.)
Pictured: Not the new guest writers. Bloggers don’t leave their houses, let alone get dressed up to go to some Halloween shit!
J. Harvey used to be the foolery producer who would step in anytime Allison or I were out, but since he moved to weekends permanently, I put out a call about a month ago for new guest writers. Strangely enough, I found two people who are crazy enough to want to be associated with Dlisted and will help out whenever any of us go on vacation or call in sick (of writing about the lasagna-ruining Kartrashian- Jenners and Trump). Ben and Penelope are our new guest writers!
J. Harvey is out this weekend and so Ben is helping out today and Penelope is helping out tomorrow. Ben will mostly cover weekends. Allison will be out on Halloween (MUST BE NICE!) and is also taking a week off in November for vacation. Penelope will fill in for Allison on those days…unless after one day of working with me, she deletes her e-mail account, deactivates her phone, trashes her laptop and runs off screaming into the hills. That’s possible. And it may take a second or two for Ben and Penelope to get the hang of shit and get comfortable, so please be gentle. Although, you don’t have to be gentle with me. You know I like it rough and mean.
And now here’s pictures from Bette Midler’s annual Hulaween Bash in NYC. Bette made the bitches screaming for that long-awaited Hocus Pocus sequel scream louder by dressing up as Winifred. And next to Bette is Paula Jones as Madonna. No, it’s Marc Jacobs, who I’m guessing dressed as Paula Jones as Madonna.
There’s no better way to FINALLY end our never-ending Meth Gala overdose coverage than with The Divine Miss M who ruled the party last night in an ensemble made by Marc Jacobs. On anybody else, that head/neckpiece would look like it was covered with teeny tiny bunny poo dipped in black glitter and those eyelashes (by Suzanne Bartsch) would look like armpit hair, but on Bette Midler they look like exquisite works of HIGH ART. Bette was done up like she was about to play the First Lady in a 1960s movie about the future.
I bet those gorgeous lashes were pretty functional too. They probably swatted away the glares of hate that shot out of Kanye West’s beauty supply contacts over that joke Bette made about Kim Kartrashian on Twitter. Bette wins again!
Before she went to bed last night, Kim Kardashian (with no help from Kanye or Khloe, uh huh) got a head start on her daily quest for attention by going after Bette Midler, Piers Morgan, and Chloe Grace Moretz on Twitter for hating on her for tweeting a picture of her naked body.
Since then, shots have been fired from all sides. Bette shot back at Kim by sniping that she’s nobody’s fake friend and read her for being able to take a selfie and not being able to take a joke. Kardashian family ally Bella Thorne slapped at everyone judging Kim’s decision to post naked plastic mommy selfies. Emily Ratajkowski came for Piers by calling him sexist, before rendering her opinion null and void by referring to what Kim does as a “career.” And now Miley Cyrus, seen above looking like The Three Blind Mice’s dirtbag drop-out brother, has taken a moment out of her busy pie-baking and ironing schedule to give us her thoughts on it all.
Dear women, you ALL are acting tacky AF! Why don't we overly (myself included) fortunate women come together and try to create and bring jobs to other women in desperate need of them so they can support not only THEMSELVES but their families! #happyinternationalwomensday can we all put the cuntiness aside for one fucking day and love / celebrate one another! PS no matter how hard you (or myself) work NEVER will I feel I am worthy of the comfort I live in…. Because so many others while I tuck myself in at night are laying their head on the pavement, dreaming of all the things we take for granted every day. Much love to all my women!!!!
You know there must be a disturbance in the force when you find yourself agreeing with Miley Cyrus. But even though I agree with most of what Miley has said, I cannot with a good conscience get on board with her directing her message to “you ALL.” According to my religion (First Wivesbyterian), referring to Saint Bette Midler as “tacky” gets you a one-way ticket to Hell.
Pic: Miley Cyrus
Theater queens are trying to control their puckering b-holes with one hand while throwing money at Telecharge with the other, because Bette Midler announced today that she’s going back to Broadway in a revival of Hello, Dolly! Hardcore Bette Midler fans better say, “Hello, bankruptcy,” because you know premium tickets are going to go for a kidney and the entire contents of your savings account. But performances don’t begin until 2017 so hardcore Bette Midler fans have time to make a baby and sell it on the black market for tickets.
Playbill says that rehearsals start a year from now and previews will begin March 13, 2017. It will open April 20th. They haven’t booked a theater yet. Four-time Tony winning director Jerry Zaks will direct and Warren Carlyle will choreograph. Hello, Dolly! hasn’t been on Broadway since 1996. Bette had this to say about showing Barbra Streisand how it’s done!
“I am looking forward to portraying one of the most beloved characters in all of American Musical Comedy, Dolly Levi, born Gallagher, in Hello, Dolly! I know I’m going to have the time of my life, and I am so glad to be under the wings of Scott Rudin as Producer and Jerry Zaks as Director. See you next year!”
Past Broadway Dollys have included the original Carol Channing (DUH), Pearl Bailey, Ginger Rogers, Betty Grable, Phyllis Diller and Ethel Merman.
Bette seems pretty perfect for Dolly and she should do it on Broadway one day, but they can’t do a revival without Carol Channing in the title role! It’s a law I read somewhere. Carol Channing is 94 years old, but I’m sure she can still kick, stretch and kick as Dolly. And if not, she can do the role while sitting on a La-Z-Boy. I’d still pay to see that.
Pic: Caesars Entertainment