After Geraldo Rivera defended Matt Lauer and got shit for talking about how the world of news is “flirty,” Bette Midler reminded him and everyone else about the time she accused him of drugging and groping her. Geraldo has responded with a not-really apology.
You would think that remaking what is arguably (to me at least) the best movie about witchcraft would be the sort of thing that would surely curse a person for life. But apparently someone at the Disney Channel isn’t afraid of a spooky black cat slipping into their office and spiking their latte with a little eye of newt. Deadline says that the Disney Channel has decided to remake the 1993 Halloween classic Hocus Pocus as a TV movie.
The 2017 Tonys had only one job to do and that was to give us Bette Midler yodeling out a song from Hello Dolly! That didn’t happen. Thirty five layers of NOT AMUSED swept across my face when I realized that the rumors about Bette not performing at the Tonys were true. The phones at CBS’ offices probably exploded from mad bitches demanding a damn refund of their time when the performance from Hello Dolly! turned out to be Niles Crane singing a boring song in front of a boring curtain. But Bette Midler kind of made up for it when she shut down the orchestra who dared try to play her away from the mic.
The Golden Globes, Oscar’s high school dropout little brother who holds the record for getting kicked out of Dave & Buster’s the most times, are tonight. And that means it’s that time of year when many of us get drunk at home while watching drunk movie stars throw shady eyes at the peasants (read: people on TV). The flu has taken over my body, so I’ll probably be the one who gets so plastered on TheraFlu Sours (TheraFlu and whiskey) that I’ll be cheering for Lily Collins and Jonah Hill to win.
Don’t feel guilty about filling your eating hole with all kinds of deep fried deliciousness tonight, because you’ll burn at least 10,000 calories from rolling your eyes at everything the GGs host Jimmy Fallon does. Since Jimmy is hosting, he probably won’t make fun of the famous rich bitches in the room like Tina Fey, Amy Poehler and Ricky Gervais did. Jimmy will save his energy for kissing their asses and playing Wheel of Musical Impressions with Meryl Streep (as Florence Foster Jenkins). Actually, I’d be into that second one.
And now that leads me to today’s Open Post: the oh-so-scandalous speech that Bette Midler gave in 1980 when she won the Golden Globe for New Star of the Year in a Motion Picture for The Rose. Bette busted out a titty-licious Golden Globes pun and then acted like she was going to suck off her trophy. This speech is practically G-rated today, but apparently back in 1980, it made parents THINK OF THE CHILDREN by covering their kids’ eyes and ears.
That will forever be one of my favorite GG speeches, but I hope someone tops it tonight by actually deep throating their award. (I’m talking to you, Ryan Gosling.)
Pictured: Not the new guest writers. Bloggers don’t leave their houses, let alone get dressed up to go to some Halloween shit!
J. Harvey used to be the foolery producer who would step in anytime Allison or I were out, but since he moved to weekends permanently, I put out a call about a month ago for new guest writers. Strangely enough, I found two people who are crazy enough to want to be associated with Dlisted and will help out whenever any of us go on vacation or call in sick (of writing about the lasagna-ruining Kartrashian- Jenners and Trump). Ben and Penelope are our new guest writers!
J. Harvey is out this weekend and so Ben is helping out today and Penelope is helping out tomorrow. Ben will mostly cover weekends. Allison will be out on Halloween (MUST BE NICE!) and is also taking a week off in November for vacation. Penelope will fill in for Allison on those days…unless after one day of working with me, she deletes her e-mail account, deactivates her phone, trashes her laptop and runs off screaming into the hills. That’s possible. And it may take a second or two for Ben and Penelope to get the hang of shit and get comfortable, so please be gentle. Although, you don’t have to be gentle with me. You know I like it rough and mean.
And now here’s pictures from Bette Midler’s annual Hulaween Bash in NYC. Bette made the bitches screaming for that long-awaited Hocus Pocus sequel scream louder by dressing up as Winifred. And next to Bette is Paula Jones as Madonna. No, it’s Marc Jacobs, who I’m guessing dressed as Paula Jones as Madonna.
There’s no better way to FINALLY end our never-ending Meth Gala overdose coverage than with The Divine Miss M who ruled the party last night in an ensemble made by Marc Jacobs. On anybody else, that head/neckpiece would look like it was covered with teeny tiny bunny poo dipped in black glitter and those eyelashes (by Suzanne Bartsch) would look like armpit hair, but on Bette Midler they look like exquisite works of HIGH ART. Bette was done up like she was about to play the First Lady in a 1960s movie about the future.
I bet those gorgeous lashes were pretty functional too. They probably swatted away the glares of hate that shot out of Kanye West’s beauty supply contacts over that joke Bette made about Kim Kartrashian on Twitter. Bette wins again!