Last month, every greeting card store in the world gathered up their supply of cards about love and began shredding them all. Because after hearing that the true love union between 19-year-old Bella Thorne and 34-year-old Scott Disick didn’t last, they couldn’t continue to push something that doesn’t exist. A quick second after Bella and Scott began bumping genitals, they went off to Cannes together. But HorSick was over as quick as they began and Bella ditched Scott in Cannes and flew back home. Sources (read: my imagination) tell me that when Bella tried to get back into the States, customs officials immediately shuffled her off to a CDC quarantine tent where she spent several days soaking in a hot ammonia and antibiotics bath. Once she was given the clear, Bella talked to Complex about the love of our time that never was.
The itchy-looking romance of our time appears to be over just as quickly as it began. 19-year-old Bella Thorne and 34-year-old Scott Disick’s casual hookup has been cut tragically short in its prime.
Thrush medicine’s new favorite sort-of couple Bella Thorne and Scott Disick left Los Angeles for Cannes on Monday, because they obviously needed to be where they could get the most possible exposure. Since arriving, they wasted no time in stealing a little attention away from all the other fame whores currently in Cannes. UsWeekly says 33-year-old Scott and 19-year-old Bella Thorne were seen “pouvez-nouille-ent” (that’s my attempt at translating “canoodling” to French) at a villa in Cannes yesterday.
— Us Weekly (@usweekly) May 24, 2017
That picture was taken after Bella and Scott jumped in the pool with their clothes on. After they got out, Bella stripped down to her swim suit, but I see Scott didn’t. Smart move on Scott’s part; there’s nothing unsexier than watching someone struggle to pull off a pair of wet jeans.
A source tells Entertainment Tonight the obvious:
“They’re just hooking up. It’s nothing serious. They have known each other for a while now.”
Scott was later seen alone at a club just down the street from the club where Kourtney Kardashian and her current boyfriend were hanging out. Scott is going to get in so much trouble when Kris Jenner finds out about that. He had the opportunity to be photographed “accidentally” showing up at the same club as his reason for relevance, with his latest reason for relevance, and he didn’t? The nerve! What’s the point of even going to Cannes if you aren’t going put in the fame whore effort? Honestly, Scott, I’m starting to think you don’t even want to start unnecessary drama anymore.
I like how everyone in this picture is standing around looking at their feet, as if they’re completely mortified to be seen in public in such trashy company. Above, from left to not right, we’ve got 19-year-old apprentice celebrity mess Bella Thorne, her 24-year-old former actress sister Dani Thorne, and 33-year-old father of three Scott Disick. TMZ says they all boarded a plane together yesterday at LAX and headed off to Cannes. By the look of their outfits, it looks like Bella and Dani were flying high well before the plane left the ground.
Bella and Scott have been casually hanging out since last week, and now they’re in France together. Scott’s kids’ mom Kourtney Kardashian is also in Cannes with her younger boyfriend. I wonder how they explained their absence to their three kids? Actually, I bet Kris Jenner did it. “You see, your mommy and daddy have a very important job to do this week. They need to be seen acting like drunk messes in the same city at the same time with other desperate losers, otherwise they won’t get a story line for next season.”
Here’s more of everyone at LAX yesterday. There’s also pictures of Bella and Dani in Brooklyn on Saturday looking like a low-budget Edie Sedgwick impersonator getting kidnapped by Tinkerbell’s recently-paroled cousin.
Bella Thorne is Lindsay Lohan’s successor in meth (I meant to type “successor in messiness” but that works too) and Scott Disick is the Brandon Davis of our time (aka a glob of douche discharge that we’d all probably do and live to regret after getting our gonorrhea results from the free clinic), so these two train wrecks were bound to crash into each other. This is probably going to end with Scott calling Bella a “firecrotch” to the paparazzi as whoever is the Parasite Hilton of our time (Hailey Baldwin? The Cash Me Ousside Girl? jiffpom?) cackles behind him.
Bella Thorne is 19 years old and a human party, and that’s sort of the age where a mess may want to put all kinds of drugs in their mouth. But not Bella Thorne. Bella claims she’s pharmaceutical-free. Lindsay Lohan’s unlicensed spin-off recently admitted during an interview with Yahoo! Style to promote her new show Famous in Love that she’s “all natural.” I guess she’s just talking about meds only.
Bella got into it while discussing a recent tweet she deleted in which she claimed to have “come to the conclusion” that she struggles with depression.
“I took it down because maybe some people were hurt by what I said in some way. I just wanted to say, ‘You’re not alone.’ The people you think have the most perfect lives, don’t. I wasn’t saying that I clinically went to a doctor. I didn’t know it was a big thing. You can judge me for believing my beliefs. In my family, we never went to doctors growing up. I don’t like medication. I don’t even take birth control. I won’t even take Advil or Tylenol. I power through. I’m all natural.”
Bella is entering her horny and careless years (aka your 20s), and let me tell you from first hand experience, those are the years you want access to real medication. Sure, you can do condoms for baby-prevention and some STDs and lavender oil temple-rubs for hangover healing. But I guarantee she’ll get about 3 days into her first knee-buckling UTI before she crawls into a walk-in clinic and cries, “Fuck the magic healing powers of cranberries, hook my vagina up directly to a bottle of Ciprofloxacin.”
Here’s more Bella Thorne at Freeform’s 2017 Upfront in NYC on Wednesday looking like Harley Quinn’s trashy teenage step-sister named eScooter.