Taylor Swift Flew Tom Hiddleston Out To Where It All Began Last Weekend

“Oh dear, I certainly hope I’ve packed enough matching outfits. Hahaha, what am I saying? She’ll definitely have enough waiting for me when I arrive. What a wonderful, not-weird situation I’ve found myself in.”

I’m sure I’m not the only one who has nervously chewed my fingers while waiting for a status update on the rom-com-perfect love between talking stick of Extra sugar-free gum Taylor Swift and Tom Hiddleston. Thank god, People has come through for us! Bless you, People.

A source tells People that Tom and Taylor recently spent some time at the birthplace of their publicity stunt – er, I mean, relationship – Rhode Island. The source says that Generous Taylor was kind enough to fly Tom there in her private jet. Tom and Taylor spent Sunday to Tuesday together, and a source tells UsWeekly that at some point during their visit, they hung out with Taylor’s parents. Why do I get the feeling that Taylor is totally the type to “jokingly” encourage the guy she’s dating to address her parents as Mom and Dad.

Other than that, how Taylor and Tom spent their romantic reunion weekend is a mystery. But if I had to guess, I’d say one day was spent on the phone with the Rhode Island historical society. You know, just a quick conversation inquiring what it would take for those Rhode Island rocks to get approved for heritage status. “And instead of a commemorative plaque, what do you think about a bronze sculpture of the two of us kissing? Think about it.”

Pic: Splash

Russell Wilson Finally Took Ciara’s Goodies Out Of The Jar

Yes, newlyweds Ciara and Russell Wilson finally had sex. Although this probably isn’t new news for those of you who were born with supersonic hearing. I’m sure that about six seconds after Ciara and Russell said “I do” on Wednesday, you were probably able to detect the sound of Ciara breaking the sound barrier as she sprinted at Mach 5 to her honeymoon suite and throwing a “Do Not Disturb” sign on the doorknob.

When Russell Wilson started dating Ciara about a year ago, he let it be known that his Christian penis wasn’t 1-2 stepping into Ciara’s pussy. Despite the fact that Russell had been married once before, he wanted to keep it pure until marriage. Ciara was ok with that, and thus began Russell and Ciara’s Celibacy Journey. A journey that their parts clearly got a little impatient of being on; less than a year they got engaged, which was followed by a wedding only a couple months after that. I don’t blame them for hitting the fast forward button. Imagine wanting to fuck, but the only thing stopping you was a priest and a couple rings and a gift table full of fancy-wrapped toasters? Terrible.

Anyway, TMZ says that Ciara announced the news that Russell had gotten all up in her goodies by Snapchatting a Blair Witch-looking video of the two of them making “We had seeex!” faces and not-so-subtly implying that it happened more than once.

As for what it was like, a source tells HollywoodLife that Russell cried after it happened. Are we sure those were tears? Russell has been holding it for so long, there’s a good chance that was leftover nut juice that needed to find an emergency exit after the cabin pressure in his penis dropped.

Russell and Ciara obviously needed to give their crotches a break from all the fucking they’re doing, because here they are out shopping in London yesterday. Or maybe they’re actually just doing a quick lube run? I’m sure if we wait long enough, they’ll Snapchat us the answer.

Pics: Snapchat, Splash, Wenn.com

Here’s What Having Sex With Channing Tatum Is Like

“And that where Channing put skin stick. In the lady cave. Channing do good sex.“…is what I like to think sexy caveman stripper doofus Channing Tatum is explaining in the picture above. Oh, who am I kidding? If he’s saying anything, it’s probably: “I TOTALLY HIT THAT BEEEEEOTCH! HAHAHAHAHA.”

If you have ever wondered what sex is like between Channing Tatum and his wife Jenna Dewan Tatum, you’re in luck. Channing got all Taxicab Confessions during a Facebook Live interview with Cosmopolitan (via UsWeekly) about their sex life, and it’s capital S-E-X-Y. Channing says that sometimes they do it fast. Sometimes they do it slow. And sometimes he just lays there and lets her do all the work. Ooooh, someone open a window; it just got very hot in here.

“I just lay there. I just lay down, sometimes I nap. Yeah, she’s really athletic. We get down! We truly have all different kinds of sex. Sometimes it’s like, ‘Look, you gotta get this done. I gotta go to work.’ And that’s a real thing. To me, that’s us being completely open…Then you have full-on, just completely totally connected otherworldly connections. We communicate very well. We don’t hate fuck each other. That’s not what we do.”

Hold up. Who said anything about hate fucking??? That interview took a really sharp turn. That doesn’t exactly seem like Cosmo sex tip material. Then again, I haven’t read Cosmo in a couple of years. But I think I would have remembered passing a cover boasting “23 NEW Ways to Hate Fuck Your Man” in the grocery store.

So there you go. Channing Tatum and Jenna Dewan Tatum have normal people sex. That’s fine. But what I really want to know more about are those “otherworldly connections.” Like, are we talking ‘fucking so good you go forward in time and get a thumbs-up from your own ghost’ kind of otherworldly? Or is it more like a ‘humping yourselves into an alternate universe that you can only return from via a three-way with Dr. Sam Beckett‘ kind of thing. I need to know these things, Channing! Have you had Quantum Leap sex or not?

Pic: Splash

Sean Penn Almost Named His Son “Steak”

The “the steak doesn’t fall far from the beef jerky-faced tree” jokes are too easy.

Sean Penn has two children with Robin Wright: 25-year-old Dylan Frances and 22-year-old Hopper Jack. According to Hopper, the name written on his birth certificate wasn’t his father’s first choice. Hopper tells Interview magazine that if the decision had been left up to Sean Penn, his name would be Steak Penn. Yes, steak like the food. Why? Because Sean Penn apparently really loves steak.

“My dad wanted to name me Steak, the food, because he loves it so much. But my mom was never going to go for it.”

I never really pictured Sean Penn as being a steak kind of guy. I guess I just always assumed that Sean Penn survived on a diet that consists solely of Carolina Reaper hot peppers and popcorn. Peppers to maintain his high levels of white-hot rage, and popcorn to keep him in a constant state of being perpetually agitated. Nothing is more agitating that trying to always feeling like you’ve got a popcorn kernel stuck in between your teeth.

I can’t really shit on Sean Penn for wanting to name his kid after a type of food. When I was a kid, there was a brand of lactose-free milk called Lactancia, and I thought that was just about the most glamorous name I had ever heard and swore I was going to name a child Lactancia. So, I get it, Sean. I don’t condone it, but I understand.

As for why they chose Hopper instead, Hopper says it was because his dad “idolized” Dennis Hopper, and that his mother claims he hopped in her stomach rather than kicked. He didn’t kick? Really? Are we sure he’s actually Sean Penn’s son?

Pic: Splash

Dakota Johnson Is Pretty Much Over Those “Fifty Shades” Sex Scenes

Dakota Fanning spoke to Chrissie Hynde for Interview magazine. Dakota is currently in Vancouver shooting both Fifty Shades Darker and Fifty Shades Freed, because they’ve gotta bang those out fast before Jamie Dornan discovers a loophole in his contract and runs away like Forrest Gump. When Dakota tells Chrissie that she’s in Vancouver to film the Fifty Shades sequels, Chrissie asked: “The one where you have crazy sex scenes?” Yes Chrissie, those movies. Dakota admitted that she was filming a sex scene that day, and apparently pretending to have sex with someone is about as fun as waking up early on a Saturday and cleaning out your crawl space.

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Now In “Things You Didn’t Need To Know” News: Kristin Cavallari Says Her Husband Is Getting A Vasectomy

In a move that is no doubt making pediatric professionals everywhere let out a giant sigh of relief, Kristin Cavallari recently admitted that she won’t be having any more kids. Well, at least not with her football-playing Dillard’s department store mannequin husband Jay Cutler.

During an interview on SiriusXM’s Conversations with Maria Menounos (via UsWeekly), Kristin sort-of hinted that she and Jay were taking “permanent measures” to prevent another Mayson or Henlee from joining their three children, Camden, Jaxon, and Saylor. When asked if they were thinking of a vasectomy (aka the ball-snip one) or a hysterectomy (aka the “Sayonara, uterus” one), Kristin said the end of their baby-making days would probably come courtesy of the first one. Kristin’s logic is that since she was the one who pushed three of his giant-headed babies out of her body, Jay could pay it forward by letting a doctor cut-ler his vas deferens.

I don’t blame Kristin for not wanting to get a hysterectomy. You’ve got to protect that investment! What if she and Jay get divorced, and a few months later Kristin meets a billionaire with a thing for knocking-up bland blonde anti-vaxxers? That would truly be a gold-digging shame.

No word on how Jay feels about a trip to the snip-snip room. But it sounds like Kristin is pretty set on getting him in there. And it wouldn’t be that hard to trick him into it. According to Kristin, Jay doesn’t eat chemical-filled toxic garbage food anymore. So don’t be surprised if you see Kristin scribbling the words “Free Oreos and Doritos, This Way” on a piece of paper and taping it to the door of a vasectomy clinic.

Pic: Instagram