Miranda Kerr and billionaire CEO of Snapchat, Evan Spiegel, got engaged last July after dating since 2015. In the time that they’ve been together, Miranda’s vagine has never met Evan’s peen. Miranda, who has definitely fucked before (proof: the baby she made with Orlando Bloom), let the world know in an interview that she and Evan are doing it the Ciara and Russell Wilson way by waiting until marriage. Many of us are sluts around here, so that idea is completely lost on us. On a first date, we don’t even wait until the entrees are served. I know, look at me acting like our first dates happen at a restaurant instead of a motel that rents rooms by the hour. Continue reading
Back in April of 2016, Drake confessed during an interview with Apple Radio that his friendship with Nicki Minaj was a thing of the past. Drake had gotten into a stupid fight with Nicki’s then-boyfriend Meek Mill the year before. Nicki clearly chose sides, which meant pushing Jimmy’s wheelchair out of her life. Earlier this month Nicki decided she was done with Meek Mill. It also looks like she also decided to dump whatever hate she had for Drake.
When Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds had their first kid, they waited a loooooong time before revealing they named their daughter James. They didn’t really wait as long this time and they didn’t really bother to “announce” it. Poor second-born babies always get shafted in the attention department.
Ryan brought Blake and their two kids to his Hollywood Walk of Fame ceremony last week. He didn’t refer to either of his daughters by name, but I’m assuming that at some point one of them must have referred to the baby one as more than just “the baby“, because UsWeekly says that they can confirm what Ryan and Blake named her. Their second daughter is named Ines Reynolds.
Ryan and Blake deserve a round of applause for managing to find one of the last remaining older lady names that hasn’t yet been appropriated by hipster parents in Brooklyn. “Ines Reynolds” sounds like an 88-year-old bookkeeper at a windows and doors company who still makes out checks on a Paymaster, drinks homemade Tia Maria, and refuses to smoke her Misty Lights anywhere but right in front of the door. Although knowing Blake, I doubt she picked Ines for that reason. It probably came about during her 8th month of pregnancy as she was fanning herself from the hot summer heat with her best Chantilly-lace fan on the lanai. “Goodness gracious, I never…that’s it! Inever! What a charmin’ name.”
Despite reports that Kim Kardashian has been going into power saver mode while attempting to read all the big words in her divorce papers, a source tells People that she “currently has no imminent plans to file for divorce” from Kanye West. But of course Kim isn’t quite ready to be done with Kanye West. There’s still at least five or six more months worth of material for the Kim Saves Kanye storyline that haven’t been
exploited explored yet.
Because of everything that has happened during this depressing week (“I don’t know WHAT you’re talking about.” – everyone), I really thought that things would be extra bleak on the real news front. But I was proven wrong this morning when The Daily Mail posted an EXCLUSIVO investigative exposé about Prince Hot Ginge’s American girlfriend Meghan Markle. Meghan is currently visiting her man in London and the paparazzi caught her going back to his place at Kensington Palace. The DM’s investigative reporters put their investigative reporter skills (read: their eyes) to work when they noted that Meghan wore a brown baseball cap and Hunter wellies while walking back to Kensington Palace after shopping among the organic produce at Whole Foods. Unfortunately, the tabloids kind of dropped the ball on this one, because I could not find one interview with that green cow. That nosy trick must’ve peeked into Meghan’s bag as she walked on by.
— Daily Mail U.K. (@DailyMailUK) November 11, 2016
I should turn down the sarcasm all the way, because it is pretty shocking that Meghan Markle went out and bought groceries. If any of us were PHG’s piece, we wouldn’t need to buy groceries. Why bother when you can eat spotted dick all weekend long? Yes, I said spotted dick. He’s a ginger, I’m sure it has freckles on it. And since I’m really great at transitions, I’m going to move from blowjob and freckled royal peen jokes to pictures of PHG remembering the fallen on Armistice Day at the National Memorial Arboretum.
“Oh dear, I certainly hope I’ve packed enough matching outfits. Hahaha, what am I saying? She’ll definitely have enough waiting for me when I arrive. What a wonderful, not-weird situation I’ve found myself in.”
I’m sure I’m not the only one who has nervously chewed my fingers while waiting for a status update on the rom-com-perfect love between talking stick of Extra sugar-free gum Taylor Swift and Tom Hiddleston. Thank god, People has come through for us! Bless you, People.
A source tells People that Tom and Taylor recently spent some time at the birthplace of their publicity stunt – er, I mean, relationship – Rhode Island. The source says that Generous Taylor was kind enough to fly Tom there in her private jet. Tom and Taylor spent Sunday to Tuesday together, and a source tells UsWeekly that at some point during their visit, they hung out with Taylor’s parents. Why do I get the feeling that Taylor is totally the type to “jokingly” encourage the guy she’s dating to address her parents as Mom and Dad.
Other than that, how Taylor and Tom spent their romantic reunion weekend is a mystery. But if I had to guess, I’d say one day was spent on the phone with the Rhode Island historical society. You know, just a quick conversation inquiring what it would take for those Rhode Island rocks to get approved for heritage status. “And instead of a commemorative plaque, what do you think about a bronze sculpture of the two of us kissing? Think about it.”