When Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds had their first kid, they waited a loooooong time before revealing they named their daughter James. They didn’t really wait as long this time and they didn’t really bother to “announce” it. Poor second-born babies always get shafted in the attention department.
Ryan brought Blake and their two kids to his Hollywood Walk of Fame ceremony last week. He didn’t refer to either of his daughters by name, but I’m assuming that at some point one of them must have referred to the baby one as more than just “the baby“, because UsWeekly says that they can confirm what Ryan and Blake named her. Their second daughter is named Ines Reynolds.
Ryan and Blake deserve a round of applause for managing to find one of the last remaining older lady names that hasn’t yet been appropriated by hipster parents in Brooklyn. “Ines Reynolds” sounds like an 88-year-old bookkeeper at a windows and doors company who still makes out checks on a Paymaster, drinks homemade Tia Maria, and refuses to smoke her Misty Lights anywhere but right in front of the door. Although knowing Blake, I doubt she picked Ines for that reason. It probably came about during her 8th month of pregnancy as she was fanning herself from the hot summer heat with her best Chantilly-lace fan on the lanai. “Goodness gracious, I never…that’s it! Inever! What a charmin’ name.”
Despite reports that Kim Kardashian has been going into power saver mode while attempting to read all the big words in her divorce papers, a source tells People that she “currently has no imminent plans to file for divorce” from Kanye West. But of course Kim isn’t quite ready to be done with Kanye West. There’s still at least five or six more months worth of material for the Kim Saves Kanye storyline that haven’t been
exploited explored yet.
Because of everything that has happened during this depressing week (“I don’t know WHAT you’re talking about.” – everyone), I really thought that things would be extra bleak on the real news front. But I was proven wrong this morning when The Daily Mail posted an EXCLUSIVO investigative exposé about Prince Hot Ginge’s American girlfriend Meghan Markle. Meghan is currently visiting her man in London and the paparazzi caught her going back to his place at Kensington Palace. The DM’s investigative reporters put their investigative reporter skills (read: their eyes) to work when they noted that Meghan wore a brown baseball cap and Hunter wellies while walking back to Kensington Palace after shopping among the organic produce at Whole Foods. Unfortunately, the tabloids kind of dropped the ball on this one, because I could not find one interview with that green cow. That nosy trick must’ve peeked into Meghan’s bag as she walked on by.
— Daily Mail U.K. (@DailyMailUK) November 11, 2016
I should turn down the sarcasm all the way, because it is pretty shocking that Meghan Markle went out and bought groceries. If any of us were PHG’s piece, we wouldn’t need to buy groceries. Why bother when you can eat spotted dick all weekend long? Yes, I said spotted dick. He’s a ginger, I’m sure it has freckles on it. And since I’m really great at transitions, I’m going to move from blowjob and freckled royal peen jokes to pictures of PHG remembering the fallen on Armistice Day at the National Memorial Arboretum.
“Oh dear, I certainly hope I’ve packed enough matching outfits. Hahaha, what am I saying? She’ll definitely have enough waiting for me when I arrive. What a wonderful, not-weird situation I’ve found myself in.”
I’m sure I’m not the only one who has nervously chewed my fingers while waiting for a status update on the rom-com-perfect love between talking stick of Extra sugar-free gum Taylor Swift and Tom Hiddleston. Thank god, People has come through for us! Bless you, People.
A source tells People that Tom and Taylor recently spent some time at the birthplace of their publicity stunt – er, I mean, relationship – Rhode Island. The source says that Generous Taylor was kind enough to fly Tom there in her private jet. Tom and Taylor spent Sunday to Tuesday together, and a source tells UsWeekly that at some point during their visit, they hung out with Taylor’s parents. Why do I get the feeling that Taylor is totally the type to “jokingly” encourage the guy she’s dating to address her parents as Mom and Dad.
Other than that, how Taylor and Tom spent their romantic reunion weekend is a mystery. But if I had to guess, I’d say one day was spent on the phone with the Rhode Island historical society. You know, just a quick conversation inquiring what it would take for those Rhode Island rocks to get approved for heritage status. “And instead of a commemorative plaque, what do you think about a bronze sculpture of the two of us kissing? Think about it.”
Yes, newlyweds Ciara and Russell Wilson finally had sex. Although this probably isn’t new news for those of you who were born with supersonic hearing. I’m sure that about six seconds after Ciara and Russell said “I do” on Wednesday, you were probably able to detect the sound of Ciara breaking the sound barrier as she sprinted at Mach 5 to her honeymoon suite and throwing a “Do Not Disturb” sign on the doorknob.
When Russell Wilson started dating Ciara about a year ago, he let it be known that his Christian penis wasn’t 1-2 stepping into Ciara’s pussy. Despite the fact that Russell had been married once before, he wanted to keep it pure until marriage. Ciara was ok with that, and thus began Russell and Ciara’s Celibacy Journey. A journey that their parts clearly got a little impatient of being on; less than a year they got engaged, which was followed by a wedding only a couple months after that. I don’t blame them for hitting the fast forward button. Imagine wanting to fuck, but the only thing stopping you was a priest and a couple rings and a gift table full of fancy-wrapped toasters? Terrible.
Anyway, TMZ says that Ciara announced the news that Russell had gotten all up in her goodies by Snapchatting a Blair Witch-looking video of the two of them making “We had seeex!” faces and not-so-subtly implying that it happened more than once.
As for what it was like, a source tells HollywoodLife that Russell cried after it happened. Are we sure those were tears? Russell has been holding it for so long, there’s a good chance that was leftover nut juice that needed to find an emergency exit after the cabin pressure in his penis dropped.
Russell and Ciara obviously needed to give their crotches a break from all the fucking they’re doing, because here they are out shopping in London yesterday. Or maybe they’re actually just doing a quick lube run? I’m sure if we wait long enough, they’ll Snapchat us the answer.
“And that where Channing put skin stick. In the lady cave. Channing do good sex.“…is what I like to think sexy caveman stripper doofus Channing Tatum is explaining in the picture above. Oh, who am I kidding? If he’s saying anything, it’s probably: “I TOTALLY HIT THAT BEEEEEOTCH! HAHAHAHAHA.”
If you have ever wondered what sex is like between Channing Tatum and his wife Jenna Dewan Tatum, you’re in luck. Channing got all Taxicab Confessions during a Facebook Live interview with Cosmopolitan (via UsWeekly) about their sex life, and it’s capital S-E-X-Y. Channing says that sometimes they do it fast. Sometimes they do it slow. And sometimes he just lays there and lets her do all the work. Ooooh, someone open a window; it just got very hot in here.
“I just lay there. I just lay down, sometimes I nap. Yeah, she’s really athletic. We get down! We truly have all different kinds of sex. Sometimes it’s like, ‘Look, you gotta get this done. I gotta go to work.’ And that’s a real thing. To me, that’s us being completely open…Then you have full-on, just completely totally connected otherworldly connections. We communicate very well. We don’t hate fuck each other. That’s not what we do.”
Hold up. Who said anything about hate fucking??? That interview took a really sharp turn. That doesn’t exactly seem like Cosmo sex tip material. Then again, I haven’t read Cosmo in a couple of years. But I think I would have remembered passing a cover boasting “23 NEW Ways to Hate Fuck Your Man” in the grocery store.
So there you go. Channing Tatum and Jenna Dewan Tatum have normal people sex. That’s fine. But what I really want to know more about are those “otherworldly connections.” Like, are we talking ‘fucking so good you go forward in time and get a thumbs-up from your own ghost’ kind of otherworldly? Or is it more like a ‘humping yourselves into an alternate universe that you can only return from via a three-way with Dr. Sam Beckett‘ kind of thing. I need to know these things, Channing! Have you had Quantum Leap sex or not?