Global treasure Angela Lansbury probably saw the same advance pics from the upcoming live-action Beauty and the Beast that the rest of us did. They obviously inspired her to dig up her old Jessica Fletcher magnifying glass, point it at those images of Emma Watson grasping nothingness and air where the CGI Beast is supposed to be spinning her ass on the ballroom floor and gently whisper “the fuck?“. Entertainment Weekly spoke with the original (and only) Mrs. Potts at the 25th-anniversary screening in NYC back in September. They got her to admit that, like the rest of us, she hasn’t got clue #1 about why we needed a remake of the animated classic whose selling point is “now with humans.” She actually could have just referred them to her opinions on that bullshit Murder, She Wrote reboot they planned to foist on us. Angela Lansbury? Not here for reboots, remakes or retreads.
Over a week ago, I posted the first official pictures from that ~problematic~ bestiality tale of a captured nerd girl who must’ve done a lot of hard drugs, because she talks to clocks and shit and wet dreams about covering her lips (and not the ones on her face) with the lipstick belonging to her captor, a mean dog beast. (Beauty and the Beast is like a clean version of every NSFW subreddit.) And today, Disney pooped out the first official trailer, and well, this thing makes those first official pictures look like they’re full of life and charisma. This trailer has a resting heart rate of zero and is as lackluster as this dry stale English Muffin I’m chewing on (I’m out of butter).
From that perspective, the enchanted rose looks like a magical feather duster. The other Mr. Harvey is a HUGE Disney stan. So, the other night, I was sort of forced to watch the extras on the Beauty and the Beast 25th Anniversary Edition. There was this whole bit where composer Alan Menken, the Hamilton dude, and the married couple responsible for Frozen did everything but lose their clothes and orgy it down in a celebration of one another’s genius. I love animated musicals as much as the next jaded gay (translation: “somewhat“), but grips needed to be gotten! My point is that people LURVE them some Beauty and the Beast. One of the other extras was a sneak preview of the live-action BATB flick starring Emma Watson and Downton Abbey’s Dan Stevens. It’s coming out in March of 2017 and the first pics have appeared on Stitch Kingdom (by way of io9). It looks like they’re adhering pretty closely to the cartoon.