In my 468 posts about Disney’s live-action Beauty and the Beast movie, I called Belle a dog fucker several times since she wants to get on The Beast’s lipstick. But in the final trailer for Beauty and the Beast, Belle comes off as a woodfucker, because The Beast looks like a Chewbacca figure that was carved out of a tree trunk (see: The Beast’s wood-looking face above). How much wood would a woodfucker fuck…. I don’t even want to think about the places that Belle would get splinters in.
If you don’t want to pay to see the live-action Beauty and the Beast movie, then this trailer may be for you. It tells the entire story in under 3 minutes! No need to deal with a kid kicking the back of your seat while loudly wondering where Harry Potter is.
Even though this trailer has zero shots of Gaston’s manly chest fur and beefy nipples, I was with it…until a certain donut attacker’s voice yodeled on in….
Celine Dion and Peabo Bryson are out and Ariana Grande Latte and John Legend are in. (But Celine does sing a new song on the soundtrack.) Beauty and the Beast is supposed to be fluffy escapism that makes people happy for a second, but Disney just had to mess it up by replacing the GREATEST SINGUH IN DA WORLD with her! That evil bitch Mickey Mouse will cackle over our pain while counting all the cash this movie is going to make.
Not to be outdone by the busted Bieber-faced Belle doll, the makers of the motion posters for Disney’s live-action Beauty and the Beast have taken raggedy to a new level and given us all a beautiful gift in the form of some janky CGI.
Since Beauty and the Beast movie comes out in mid-March, Disney is shooting out a bunch of marketing shit, and today they released characters posters including ones that move. All of the motion pictures are here. Most of them look like Haunted Mansion portraits on the wrong kind of meth, but the one that tops them all is the one of The Beast. The Beast is supposed to be scary, but The Beast in this motion poster is way too 8-bit to be scary. If he roared, it would probably take him a good 6 minutes and he’d buffer at least 4 times while doing so. It looks like Disney’s marketing department said “fuck it,” and just lifted a character from an original Xbox game and slapped it onto a new background before going to happy hour.
Did Disney get Next Media Animation to do that poster?
I had my doubts about Disney doing a live-action Beauty and the Beast, but after seeing that doll and that motion poster. I am glad that they went through with it. Because both of those things are solid gold. And here’s the rest of the character posters including Audra McDonald looking like Coco Montrese in Marie Antoinette drag and Stanley Tucci looking like an electrocuted Albert Einstein who’s about to pitch your nipples.
Global treasure Angela Lansbury probably saw the same advance pics from the upcoming live-action Beauty and the Beast that the rest of us did. They obviously inspired her to dig up her old Jessica Fletcher magnifying glass, point it at those images of Emma Watson grasping nothingness and air where the CGI Beast is supposed to be spinning her ass on the ballroom floor and gently whisper “the fuck?“. Entertainment Weekly spoke with the original (and only) Mrs. Potts at the 25th-anniversary screening in NYC back in September. They got her to admit that, like the rest of us, she hasn’t got clue #1 about why we needed a remake of the animated classic whose selling point is “now with humans.” She actually could have just referred them to her opinions on that bullshit Murder, She Wrote reboot they planned to foist on us. Angela Lansbury? Not here for reboots, remakes or retreads.
Over a week ago, I posted the first official pictures from that ~problematic~ bestiality tale of a captured nerd girl who must’ve done a lot of hard drugs, because she talks to clocks and shit and wet dreams about covering her lips (and not the ones on her face) with the lipstick belonging to her captor, a mean dog beast. (Beauty and the Beast is like a clean version of every NSFW subreddit.) And today, Disney pooped out the first official trailer, and well, this thing makes those first official pictures look like they’re full of life and charisma. This trailer has a resting heart rate of zero and is as lackluster as this dry stale English Muffin I’m chewing on (I’m out of butter).
From that perspective, the enchanted rose looks like a magical feather duster. The other Mr. Harvey is a HUGE Disney stan. So, the other night, I was sort of forced to watch the extras on the Beauty and the Beast 25th Anniversary Edition. There was this whole bit where composer Alan Menken, the Hamilton dude, and the married couple responsible for Frozen did everything but lose their clothes and orgy it down in a celebration of one another’s genius. I love animated musicals as much as the next jaded gay (translation: “somewhat“), but grips needed to be gotten! My point is that people LURVE them some Beauty and the Beast. One of the other extras was a sneak preview of the live-action BATB flick starring Emma Watson and Downton Abbey’s Dan Stevens. It’s coming out in March of 2017 and the first pics have appeared on Stitch Kingdom (by way of io9). It looks like they’re adhering pretty closely to the cartoon.