If you didn’t see the live-action Beauty and the Beast movie this past weekend, then you and I may be the only humans in the land who didn’t pay to see and listen to an auto-tuned Hermione Granger trying to get into the satin capris of a CGI buffalo. Although, I did try to buy tickets at around noon on Saturday, only to find out that pretty much every showing was sold the hell out. I took that as the universe doing me a favor. Because there’s not enough weed in California to keep me from snapping at a kid who won’t stop loudly singing along to that shit. And there’s also not enough weed in California to fully erase the pain from my face after some dad breaks my mouth with his fist for snapping at his singing kid.
Russia, the place with the church that looks like if pride week was a building, has a really big problem with the “exclusively gay moment” in the live action Beauty and the Beast. But unlike the Alabama drive-in theater, they’re not trying to prevent everyone from seeing it, which is a different than what was previously reported. Russia just doesn’t want anyone under 16 to see Josh Gad’s LeFou get mildy horny for Luke Evans’ Gaston.
The Russian Culture Ministry gave a statement about the situation to the Associated Press (via NBC), explaining that they received a petition from an ultraconservative lawmaker asking for BatB to be banned due to the film’s “overt and shameless propaganda of sin and sexual perversion under the guise of a fairy tale.” The Ministry isn’t banning the movie, but they have decided to slap it with a 16-plus rating. So in Russia, the only people allowed into a theater showing a Disney Princess movie will be older teenagers and adults. Yeah, that’s not completely weird.
Oh Russia – LeFou isn’t even the gayest part about the movie. LeFou could be replaced with an aggressively hetero sidekick named LeHank who spends the whole movie trying to bang the Bimbettes. But you’d still have the talking closet, the clock with the John Waters mustache, the song about entertaining with flair, and that part where a ripped hunk gets into a rassling match with a furry ripped hunk.
Honestly, if there’s anything in BatB that qualifies as propaganda, it’s Chip’s dead eyes. I refuse to let Disney brainwash me into thinking that’s not 100% creepy.
As a gay man, I can tell you this – a “gay part” can NEVER be “overblown.” Read into that what you will. Pervs. Homophobic Alabama drive-in owners, press pause! There’s a possibility you can show the live-action Beauty and the Beast at your Jesus-certified-and-approved parking lot with pretensions after all! Apparently, the homosessuality might be low-key enough to pass muster.
The owners of a North Alabama drive-in posted on their business’ Facebook page that motorists looking to see that live-action Beauty and the Beast mess at their establishment can keep right on driving. They won’t be showing the film due to the promised “exclusively gay moment” in which LeFou, played by Josh Gad, realizes he wants to hump on Gaston, coincidentally enough played by openly gay Luke Evans. Oh, no. Not at their trash-strewn parking lot with audio-visual capabilities!
Nearly every Disney fairy tale movie is one long “exclusively gay moment” and that’s why I love many of them, but what I mean by that headline is that the live-action Beauty and the Beast movie has a gay character in it. And that gay character gets the swoons over another character. Unfortunately, the movie doesn’t end with the curse not being broken because Belle is really a lesbian objectophile who runs off with the hot feather duster instead of getting with The Beast. A different character is gay. (Side note – When I die, please make sure my tombstone reads: He lived every exclusively gay moment like it was exclusively his last)
In my 468 posts about Disney’s live-action Beauty and the Beast movie, I called Belle a dog fucker several times since she wants to get on The Beast’s lipstick. But in the final trailer for Beauty and the Beast, Belle comes off as a woodfucker, because The Beast looks like a Chewbacca figure that was carved out of a tree trunk (see: The Beast’s wood-looking face above). How much wood would a woodfucker fuck…. I don’t even want to think about the places that Belle would get splinters in.
If you don’t want to pay to see the live-action Beauty and the Beast movie, then this trailer may be for you. It tells the entire story in under 3 minutes! No need to deal with a kid kicking the back of your seat while loudly wondering where Harry Potter is.
Even though this trailer has zero shots of Gaston’s manly chest fur and beefy nipples, I was with it…until a certain donut attacker’s voice yodeled on in….
Celine Dion and Peabo Bryson are out and Ariana Grande Latte and John Legend are in. (But Celine does sing a new song on the soundtrack.) Beauty and the Beast is supposed to be fluffy escapism that makes people happy for a second, but Disney just had to mess it up by replacing the GREATEST SINGUH IN DA WORLD with her! That evil bitch Mickey Mouse will cackle over our pain while counting all the cash this movie is going to make.