That picture is making me pull imaginary pubes out of my mouth.
“Oh, I didn’t know Sirius Black made a love child with a furry caterpillar” is what dozens of people said at the What’sOnStage Awards in London last night when Daniel Radcliffe sashayed on through with one of Brit Brit’s old parched weaves in his hair. DanRad installed a thirsty weave to play Igor in another movie version of Frankenstein, but he should definitely keep it after shooting finishes. He looks like a cross between a human Cavalier King Charles Spaniel and Robin Thicke in his hotter days.
All that hair! Any razor would go completely dull if you showed it this picture. That’s a picture that could make a laster hair removal machine catch fire and shut down. I take back what I said about DanRad’s weave coming from Brit Brit’s trash can. They obviously made that weave using DanRad’s shaved-off butt cheek hairs and the longer hairs from his crotch bush.
And I bet that when Hairy Potter flips that “Severus Snape after dipping in the ocean” beach hair, b-holes within a 200 feet radius explode.
Jared Leto, Kylie Jenner, Khlozilla and every other trick with ombre hair should know that certain CVSes are open 24 hours, so they should drive to one immediately, buy the first box of hair pant they see and dye the ombre out of their mops, because nobody has or will ever bring the ombre like Bruce Jenner brings the ombre. While his hairline looked like a cemetery of dead plugs and his eyes shot potent bitch glares at the lens of the paparazzi, the only trick in L.A. who brings a picture of latter days Michael Jackson to his stylist and says, “Give me that, bitch,” shot scenes from Keeping Up with the Kartrashians in L.A. today.
There’s been so much talk about whether or not Bruce Jenner is transitioning and I don’t know and it doesn’t really matter. The only thing I do know is that Bruce Jenner is transitioning from being a soulless whore who had his will to live sucked out of him by Pimp Mama Kris into a free Siegfried-like hot beauty who can bleach the ends of his hair if he wants to. So I say put another Bump-it in that lion mane, stick out those chichis and strut that ass, Bruce.
Together, they look like what’s on the table during a romantic dinner at a Korean BBQ restaurant.
At last night’s premiere of Grudge Match in NYC, pristine white taper candle Kim Basinger posed next to her co-star, piping hot piece of cajun-rubbed pork jerky Sylvester Stallone, and it’s a miracle that the heat wafting off of his just-out-of-the-oven face didn’t melt her into a puddle of Botox, wax and sad memories of being married to Alec Baldwin. Maybe it’s because I’m a skinny fat fuck who is always thinking about shoving dough, cheese and meat into his mouth (there’s an uncut dick joke in there somewhere), but she looks like a piece of uncooked dough and he looks like a sun dried tomato-stuffed pepperoni meatball. So together they’re like a deconstructed Totino’s pizza roll without the sauce. Delicioso!
Here’s more of Porcelain Basinger and Overcooked Terracotta Stallone with Robert DeNiro at last night’s premiere. Slay me with those brows, Sly!
On the left is the intergalactic blossom who traveled to earth on an asteroid from Venus and crashed into a diamond mine over 82 years ago, and on the right is the newly free 19-year-old Porn Iguana who is the first ever amphibian to be entirely made up of desperation and siliCON (which is a cheap, non-FDA approved version of Silicone made with various brands of clog removers on a hot plate in a backyard shed somewhere in Van Nuys).
The two elegant and refined peroxide pearls posed next to each other at The Los Angeles Police Protective League Eagle & Badge Foundation’s 12th Anniversary “In The Line Of Duty” Awards on Saturday night. If you didn’t know and I told you that legendary silver screen queen Mamie Van Doren is over 4 times older than the illiterate feminist, you’d probably tell me to switch brains with a turkey since I’ve obviously burnt up whatever is left of my brain. Mamie Van Doren could easily pass for the love child that Courtney Stodden made with an albino angel 19 years ago. The Porn Iguana was truly brave to pose next to an ageless, fresh jewel who makes her look like an expired factory-defected Real Doll.
Mamie is the saint of all saints for graciously posing next to a lesser.
But on a positive note, Courtney has filled her lips with so much filler that her top lip looks like a pair of saggy ass cheeks with a misshapen crack. Having saggy ass cheek lips is a look and it makes sense since shit is always spewing out of her mouth.
521 years ago today, Christopher Columbus, the last person on Earth to discover America, stole the Americas from its native people and if I remember correctly from world history class, he did it because he wanted to win the heart of the most gorgeous woman in the world, the Duchess of Alba (who was 23 at the time). Columbus gave the Americas to the Duchess of Alba as a gift, but she waved that shit away and told him to fuck off, because she doesn’t accept stolen merchandise. That’s how the story went.
And here she is 521 years later looking more stunning and gorgeous than ever. The Duchess of Alba and her boy toy husband Alfonso Diez were guests at the wedding of Maria Colonques, the daughter of a Spanish ceramics mogul, in Villarreal. You might think it’s ridiculous and Kardashian-like to have a red carpet at a wedding, but that red carpet wasn’t for the bride. It was for Duchess of Alba’s entrance. As soon as the Duchess of Alba waved at her subjects, took their breath away with her majestic dandelion beauty (see: the woman on the left) and sashayed into the church, the red carpet was rolled up and the bride had to wobble on in on the pavement.
Here’s more of the Duchess of Alba looking like a stunning Death Eater who disguised herself as fashion professor at Hogwarts to get into the Yule Ball. And soon, landfills all over the world will be filled with millions upon millions of sawed-off heels, because everybody’s going to cut the heels off of their shoes once they see that the Duchess of Alba is wearing flats.
Just when I was about to declare today the Backdoor Farrah of gossip days (slow as fuck), these newsworthy and highly important pictures of the bright shiny rhinestone ring hanging off of America’s left nipple came out. Today in West Hollywood, Richard Simmons strut strut strutted his ass while looking like a gorgeous purple wildflower in a blue butterfly sanctuary. If a Q-Tip was used in a purple swan’s ear and a magical blue fairy turned it into a human because she felt it was too fabulous to be thrown out, that human would look like Richard Simmons.
Everybody should celebrate Coming Out Day by dying their hair purple and wearing some 70s shirt from Out of the Closet! Technically, Richard Simmons hasn’t officially come out, but he doesn’t really need to and besides, that outfit is coming out for him. Happy National Coming Out Day!
And here’s more of Richard today and pictures of Richard being a bathing beauty with Diana Nyad in NYC the other day. Commence the puckering!
While the Emmys were bumming everyone the shit out by showing us dead person after dead person, Richard Simmons was giving everybody life on Twitter. During the show, the spawn of Billy Crystal and a Care Bear, made anus lips twitch and tingle into a frenzy by tweeting pictures of him dragged up as various TV characters. You better shove an ice cube up your ass, because if you don’t, the sight of Richard Simmons in all kinds of drag will make your prostate melt and drip out of your body.
Who cares if Richard Simmons as Walter White looks more like Justin Bieber after his music career dies and he tries to make it in the world of female tennis. Who cares if Richard Simmons as Sister Jude from AHS: Asylum looks more like a strung out Tan Mom. And who cares if Richard Simmons in Game of Thrones drag looks like a sober White Oprah SANS FARDS. All of this is perfection wrapped in a rainbow wrapped in a unicorn’s air kiss wrapped in another layer of perfection.
Miley will most likely Instagram a picture of her wearing nothing but a clit cozy today and that’ll make my head swallow my eyeballs for once and for all, and that’s okay. I’ve seen everything there is to see now that I’ve seen Richard Simmons in drag as Phoebe Price. It’s like heaven jacked off in my eyes.
Here’s former HSOTD and the Queen Mother of the Turbans Emma Joy Kitchener and her Alfred Hitchcock-looking ass husband Julian Fellows, the creator of Downton Abbey, at last night’s Emmys. Duchess Kate and the other basic bitches of the court need to save this picture on their iPhones as inspiration, because this is the way a true regal lady does glamour.
Maybe it’s because I’ve been in Z Gallerie way too many times (the promise of endless leopard print pillows draws me in), but she looks like she’s wearing Z Gallerie: THE OUTFIT! That necklace used to be a black chandelier, that lace part used to be a really slutty table runner and that bottom part used to be a bedspread. Emma Joy looks like a royal lady who lost her fortune and was forced to make money by turning her manor into a brothel. That look is very accidental madam.
And here’s a million more looks from last night’s Death & Dancing Extravaganza. Kerry Washington looks like a slice of quinceanera cake with extra frosting flowers and January Jones ripped the dusty drapes off the window in some old lady’s bedroom.
After I hit the red snooze bar on my iPhone for the 200th time this morning and poured cold coffee directly into my eyeballs, I skipped through my normal sites and my barely open eyes landed on this beautimous headline at People. The best part of waking up is watching Pumpkin shave the yellow hairs off of Mama June’s luscious soufflé of chins and neck.
On the season finale of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, Pumpkin helps the Bombshell of Georgia, Mama June, get ready for her commitment ceremony with Sugar Bear by taking a razor to her neck hairs. You’d think that Mama June gets her neck smooth by smearing sketti sauce all over it and letting her chirruns nibble the hairs off, but nope . Mama June is an old-fashioned kind of beauty who shaves the fuzz off of her bushel of peaches neck with a razor. Mama June needs her own beauty column in Redneck Quarterly, because everyone should know her tips to staying beautimous
And I really hope that Mama June donated her shaved-off neck hairs to help the plight of Justin Bieber’s sad stache.
Here’s our two national treasures, Mama June and Sugar Bear, taping an episode of Extra yesterday.
My soul (and other parts) melted into a puddle of sadness yesterday when Starz announced that they were pulling the curtain over the hot half-naked bodies on Magic City, but nothing can bring me back up like the sight of the ageless Spanish dandelion royale, the Duchess of Alba, cleansing the sea in Ibiza with her beauty.
With the help of her two ladies-in-waiting (the Karen and Gretchen to her Regina George), the head of the House of Alba (don’t even bring MiserAlba into this) worked two piece after two piece during a girls-only vacation in Ibiza, Spain over the weekend. When Duchess Kate’s basic ass wears something out in public, it sells out in a quick second. When Spain’s most treasured Slytherin pearl wears something out in public, it doesn’t sell out, because it’s not available to the regulars since it is one of a kind. Those pink glasses were custom-made from the finest vintage plastic from the 80s. That’s how a true lady of the crown does it.
And you might’ve seen this on CNN, but the sea off of Ibiza is almost dry now. Because as soon as the Duchess of Alba took a dip in it, everyone started drinking that sea water to get her sparkling essence inside of them. The Duchess of Alba can turn an entire ocean into a fountain of beauty just by dipping the tip of her toe in it.