For the fifth – yes fifth – time, Julia Roberts has been chosen by People magazine (aka People with Aggressive Publicists magazine) for their annual World’s Most Beautiful issue. I honestly didn’t think People could get more predictable with their pick than when they threw Jennifer Aniston on the cover last year, but here we are.
I thought I felt a little earthquake this afternoon and now I know it was from dozens of people in Las Vegas falling over and hitting the ground when Naomi Judd knocked them out with her glamour and gorgeousness.
The temperature in Las Vegas went up at least 100 degrees today and it’s all Naomi Judd’s fault for serving up so much piping hot elegance and exquisiteness at the launch of The Judds’ residency at The Venetian. It even looks like Wynonna Judd’s face melted a little from being so close to her hot mother. Naomi Judd’s face gets straights As. I don’t even care if it looks like her left eyebrow took a bite out of her right eyebrow. Her eyebrow game gets an A+, her lip liner game gets an A++ and those spider lashes get an A+++. Naomi Judd looks like the most opulent Christmas tree topper of all time. Liberace would so put her on top of his tree. There really are no words. This is perfection and everybody in the world should strive to look like this!
Something called the World Go Topless Parade happened in Venice Beach, CA on Sunday and when you throw an event in L.A. with the word “topless” in it, you can expect international supermodel and timeless beauty Phoebe Price to magically drop from the sky and grace it with her gorgeous presence. An event with the word “topless” in it is her bat signal.
After Chicken Cutlets became a living floral float of ginger perfection in the World Go Topless Parade, she gave a WORLD EXCLUSIVE photo shoot to the paparazzo she called. Ron Howard probably wishes he would’ve waited 30 years to make Splash, because Daryl Hannah truly can’t hold a candle, match, lighthouse, etc to PP as a mermaid. While working elegant mermaid bell bottoms and a 99 Cent Store plastic shell bra (or maybe those are paper plates she pulled out of a trash can), PP gave the camera some Chicken Cutlets of the Sea demureness. You can’t tell from these pictures, but several ships crashed into sandbars that day, because PP’s ethereal mermaid beauty lured the sailors in.
If Disney ever gets around to making the live-action Little Mermaid, they have found their star! Although, they’ll have to add a scene that explains why Ariel licks all the thingamabobs in her cave like they’re peens and why she has a pap following her around instead of a crab.
Here’s more pictures of PP displaying beach beauty and split freckled ass cakes.
That picture is making me pull imaginary pubes out of my mouth.
“Oh, I didn’t know Sirius Black made a love child with a furry caterpillar” is what dozens of people said at the What’sOnStage Awards in London last night when Daniel Radcliffe sashayed on through with one of Brit Brit’s old parched weaves in his hair. DanRad installed a thirsty weave to play Igor in another movie version of Frankenstein, but he should definitely keep it after shooting finishes. He looks like a cross between a human Cavalier King Charles Spaniel and Robin Thicke in his hotter days.
All that hair! Any razor would go completely dull if you showed it this picture. That’s a picture that could make a laster hair removal machine catch fire and shut down. I take back what I said about DanRad’s weave coming from Brit Brit’s trash can. They obviously made that weave using DanRad’s shaved-off butt cheek hairs and the longer hairs from his crotch bush.
And I bet that when Hairy Potter flips that “Severus Snape after dipping in the ocean” beach hair, b-holes within a 200 feet radius explode.
Jared Leto, Kylie Jenner, Khlozilla and every other trick with ombre hair should know that certain CVSes are open 24 hours, so they should drive to one immediately, buy the first box of hair pant they see and dye the ombre out of their mops, because nobody has or will ever bring the ombre like Bruce Jenner brings the ombre. While his hairline looked like a cemetery of dead plugs and his eyes shot potent bitch glares at the lens of the paparazzi, the only trick in L.A. who brings a picture of latter days Michael Jackson to his stylist and says, “Give me that, bitch,” shot scenes from Keeping Up with the Kartrashians in L.A. today.
There’s been so much talk about whether or not Bruce Jenner is transitioning and I don’t know and it doesn’t really matter. The only thing I do know is that Bruce Jenner is transitioning from being a soulless whore who had his will to live sucked out of him by Pimp Mama Kris into a free Siegfried-like hot beauty who can bleach the ends of his hair if he wants to. So I say put another Bump-it in that lion mane, stick out those chichis and strut that ass, Bruce.
Together, they look like what’s on the table during a romantic dinner at a Korean BBQ restaurant.
At last night’s premiere of Grudge Match in NYC, pristine white taper candle Kim Basinger posed next to her co-star, piping hot piece of cajun-rubbed pork jerky Sylvester Stallone, and it’s a miracle that the heat wafting off of his just-out-of-the-oven face didn’t melt her into a puddle of Botox, wax and sad memories of being married to Alec Baldwin. Maybe it’s because I’m a skinny fat fuck who is always thinking about shoving dough, cheese and meat into his mouth (there’s an uncut dick joke in there somewhere), but she looks like a piece of uncooked dough and he looks like a sun dried tomato-stuffed pepperoni meatball. So together they’re like a deconstructed Totino’s pizza roll without the sauce. Delicioso!
Here’s more of Porcelain Basinger and Overcooked Terracotta Stallone with Robert DeNiro at last night’s premiere. Slay me with those brows, Sly!