On the left is the intergalactic blossom who traveled to earth on an asteroid from Venus and crashed into a diamond mine over 82 years ago, and on the right is the newly free 19-year-old Porn Iguana who is the first ever amphibian to be entirely made up of desperation and siliCON (which is a cheap, non-FDA approved version of Silicone made with various brands of clog removers on a hot plate in a backyard shed somewhere in Van Nuys).
The two elegant and refined peroxide pearls posed next to each other at The Los Angeles Police Protective League Eagle & Badge Foundation’s 12th Anniversary “In The Line Of Duty” Awards on Saturday night. If you didn’t know and I told you that legendary silver screen queen Mamie Van Doren is over 4 times older than the illiterate feminist, you’d probably tell me to switch brains with a turkey since I’ve obviously burnt up whatever is left of my brain. Mamie Van Doren could easily pass for the love child that Courtney Stodden made with an albino angel 19 years ago. The Porn Iguana was truly brave to pose next to an ageless, fresh jewel who makes her look like an expired factory-defected Real Doll.
Mamie is the saint of all saints for graciously posing next to a lesser.
But on a positive note, Courtney has filled her lips with so much filler that her top lip looks like a pair of saggy ass cheeks with a misshapen crack. Having saggy ass cheek lips is a look and it makes sense since shit is always spewing out of her mouth.
521 years ago today, Christopher Columbus, the last person on Earth to discover America, stole the Americas from its native people and if I remember correctly from world history class, he did it because he wanted to win the heart of the most gorgeous woman in the world, the Duchess of Alba (who was 23 at the time). Columbus gave the Americas to the Duchess of Alba as a gift, but she waved that shit away and told him to fuck off, because she doesn’t accept stolen merchandise. That’s how the story went.
And here she is 521 years later looking more stunning and gorgeous than ever. The Duchess of Alba and her boy toy husband Alfonso Diez were guests at the wedding of Maria Colonques, the daughter of a Spanish ceramics mogul, in Villarreal. You might think it’s ridiculous and Kardashian-like to have a red carpet at a wedding, but that red carpet wasn’t for the bride. It was for Duchess of Alba’s entrance. As soon as the Duchess of Alba waved at her subjects, took their breath away with her majestic dandelion beauty (see: the woman on the left) and sashayed into the church, the red carpet was rolled up and the bride had to wobble on in on the pavement.
Here’s more of the Duchess of Alba looking like a stunning Death Eater who disguised herself as fashion professor at Hogwarts to get into the Yule Ball. And soon, landfills all over the world will be filled with millions upon millions of sawed-off heels, because everybody’s going to cut the heels off of their shoes once they see that the Duchess of Alba is wearing flats.
Just when I was about to declare today the Backdoor Farrah of gossip days (slow as fuck), these newsworthy and highly important pictures of the bright shiny rhinestone ring hanging off of America’s left nipple came out. Today in West Hollywood, Richard Simmons strut strut strutted his ass while looking like a gorgeous purple wildflower in a blue butterfly sanctuary. If a Q-Tip was used in a purple swan’s ear and a magical blue fairy turned it into a human because she felt it was too fabulous to be thrown out, that human would look like Richard Simmons.
Everybody should celebrate Coming Out Day by dying their hair purple and wearing some 70s shirt from Out of the Closet! Technically, Richard Simmons hasn’t officially come out, but he doesn’t really need to and besides, that outfit is coming out for him. Happy National Coming Out Day!
And here’s more of Richard today and pictures of Richard being a bathing beauty with Diana Nyad in NYC the other day. Commence the puckering!
While the Emmys were bumming everyone the shit out by showing us dead person after dead person, Richard Simmons was giving everybody life on Twitter. During the show, the spawn of Billy Crystal and a Care Bear, made anus lips twitch and tingle into a frenzy by tweeting pictures of him dragged up as various TV characters. You better shove an ice cube up your ass, because if you don’t, the sight of Richard Simmons in all kinds of drag will make your prostate melt and drip out of your body.
Who cares if Richard Simmons as Walter White looks more like Justin Bieber after his music career dies and he tries to make it in the world of female tennis. Who cares if Richard Simmons as Sister Jude from AHS: Asylum looks more like a strung out Tan Mom. And who cares if Richard Simmons in Game of Thrones drag looks like a sober White Oprah SANS FARDS. All of this is perfection wrapped in a rainbow wrapped in a unicorn’s air kiss wrapped in another layer of perfection.
Miley will most likely Instagram a picture of her wearing nothing but a clit cozy today and that’ll make my head swallow my eyeballs for once and for all, and that’s okay. I’ve seen everything there is to see now that I’ve seen Richard Simmons in drag as Phoebe Price. It’s like heaven jacked off in my eyes.
Here’s former HSOTD and the Queen Mother of the Turbans Emma Joy Kitchener and her Alfred Hitchcock-looking ass husband Julian Fellows, the creator of Downton Abbey, at last night’s Emmys. Duchess Kate and the other basic bitches of the court need to save this picture on their iPhones as inspiration, because this is the way a true regal lady does glamour.
Maybe it’s because I’ve been in Z Gallerie way too many times (the promise of endless leopard print pillows draws me in), but she looks like she’s wearing Z Gallerie: THE OUTFIT! That necklace used to be a black chandelier, that lace part used to be a really slutty table runner and that bottom part used to be a bedspread. Emma Joy looks like a royal lady who lost her fortune and was forced to make money by turning her manor into a brothel. That look is very accidental madam.
And here’s a million more looks from last night’s Death & Dancing Extravaganza. Kerry Washington looks like a slice of quinceanera cake with extra frosting flowers and January Jones ripped the dusty drapes off the window in some old lady’s bedroom.
After I hit the red snooze bar on my iPhone for the 200th time this morning and poured cold coffee directly into my eyeballs, I skipped through my normal sites and my barely open eyes landed on this beautimous headline at People. The best part of waking up is watching Pumpkin shave the yellow hairs off of Mama June’s luscious soufflé of chins and neck.
On the season finale of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, Pumpkin helps the Bombshell of Georgia, Mama June, get ready for her commitment ceremony with Sugar Bear by taking a razor to her neck hairs. You’d think that Mama June gets her neck smooth by smearing sketti sauce all over it and letting her chirruns nibble the hairs off, but nope . Mama June is an old-fashioned kind of beauty who shaves the fuzz off of her bushel of peaches neck with a razor. Mama June needs her own beauty column in Redneck Quarterly, because everyone should know her tips to staying beautimous
And I really hope that Mama June donated her shaved-off neck hairs to help the plight of Justin Bieber’s sad stache.
Here’s our two national treasures, Mama June and Sugar Bear, taping an episode of Extra yesterday.
My soul (and other parts) melted into a puddle of sadness yesterday when Starz announced that they were pulling the curtain over the hot half-naked bodies on Magic City, but nothing can bring me back up like the sight of the ageless Spanish dandelion royale, the Duchess of Alba, cleansing the sea in Ibiza with her beauty.
With the help of her two ladies-in-waiting (the Karen and Gretchen to her Regina George), the head of the House of Alba (don’t even bring MiserAlba into this) worked two piece after two piece during a girls-only vacation in Ibiza, Spain over the weekend. When Duchess Kate’s basic ass wears something out in public, it sells out in a quick second. When Spain’s most treasured Slytherin pearl wears something out in public, it doesn’t sell out, because it’s not available to the regulars since it is one of a kind. Those pink glasses were custom-made from the finest vintage plastic from the 80s. That’s how a true lady of the crown does it.
And you might’ve seen this on CNN, but the sea off of Ibiza is almost dry now. Because as soon as the Duchess of Alba took a dip in it, everyone started drinking that sea water to get her sparkling essence inside of them. The Duchess of Alba can turn an entire ocean into a fountain of beauty just by dipping the tip of her toe in it.
At any time of day, on any day of the week, you can close your eyes and know that somewhere in the world Mimi is running around all horny-like with her Hello Titty balls out. Every ho should take comfort in that.
Yesterday, the Unicornie Rainbow Empress of the Lambs Instagrammed pictures of her shooting a video in Italy in with brain damage inducer Miguel. And it isn’t a Mimi video unless she’s wearing something that makes it easy for her Wuzzle nipples to pop out at any second. That monokini looks like it was made using scraps from the old Slut Dress (NEVAH 4GET) and metal triangle protractors. That giant black arrow pointing to her butterfly cave is really what takes this look to the upper echelons of elegance.
And in other Mimi news, Troll Dupri tweeted that her next album is coming out on July 23rd and she’s calling it The Art Of Letting Go. TOO EASY.
Davey Wavey previously asked lesbians for their thoughts on peen and he asked gays their thoughts on coochie, and now he’s asking disciples of Metamucil at The L.A. Gay & Lesbian Center what they think of gay sex. First of all, I need to see some IDs, because some of these seniors look young enough to be Lindsay Lohan’s kid. Second of all, the priceless jewel in the pink knit vest won this round when she said “cum cum cum” and she won it again when she said, “I know when I was young I was chasing all the little dykes around.”
The inventor of cement, the makers of wedge flip-flops, Sir Isaac Newton’s estate, the paparazzo who shot this, Los Angeles County and who ever built that curb should all face felony charges for their role in the crime against natural beauty that happened in Beverly Hills the other day.
While sashaying into a building in Beverly Hills, Hollywood’s very own hot pink unicorn Angelyne tripped on the curb and nearly fell on her exquisitely crafted porcelain face. God would’ve been so damn mad if something happened to his greatest creation. You can say that it’s Angelyne’s fault since she was covering her face Amanda Bynes-style. But Angelyne has to cover her gorgeous face or everyone around her will go into shock from being that close to her beauty. So Angelyne was doing humanity a favor and this is what she gets for it?!
And you know, I have a feeling this was all staged by Angelyne to make all of us think that she’s a mere mortal. Because we all know that Angelyne could’ve easily sprouted her pink angel wings and flown her face to safety.