Courteney Cox is not a hot white dude celebrity who can help boost ratings by getting his nipples out to do homoerotic action with Bear Grylls, so I’m not sure why she was on Running Wild, but she was. I didn’t see Courteney’s episode, which aired on Monday, but I’m going to take a wild guess and say that she and Bear did the usual like give themselves a deer piss enema and spend the night inside of the carcass of a dead elk. And in between that, Bear transformed into a regular Diane Sawyer and the two got deep.
When Jake Gyllenhaal was on Man vs. Wild, he and Bear Grylls took their tops off. When Zac Efron was on Running Wild with Bear Grylls, he and Bear took their tops off. Nick Jonas was on last night’s season premiere of Running Wild, and it would’ve been unnatural and wrong if he and Bear also didn’t take their tops off. Nick went on that show, because he’s not truly a master panderer to the gays until his nipples have made a cameo appearance in Bear Grylls’ Fun Time Hour Of Homoerotica.
If you’re like me (desperate, hard-up, thirsty and get the tingles for anything that sort-of-kind-of-not-really resembles a dick), then this post is for you! By the way, using the word “thirsty” in a post about Bear “Piss Queen” Grylls probably wasn’t a good idea.
On the British variety show Ant and Dec’s Saturday Night Takeaway, the hosts pulled a prank on Bear Grylls, but The Mirror says that many people weren’t laughing, because they were too busy slobbering all over the possible Hammaconda Jr. situation going on in his pants. Bear and his wife Shara Knight (yes, the wife who’s wearing a ring with his dried ass crack juices on it) went to dinner at one of those restaurants where you eat in the dark. When the lights went out, waiters bumped into Bear on purpose, dishes broke around him and they put Gummi Bears in his food. Shara was in on the prank. When the lights came back on, Ant and Dec popped up in bear suits and let Bear know that they got his ass. After Bear got out of his chair, people watching wondered if that was an enema he keeps in his pocket just in case he gets stranded on a raft and needs to keep from dehydrating, or was he just happy to see us.
Thankfully, someone put together a very important Detective Courtney Love-like video where they slowed it down and put a red circle around the possible peen print. This video has 3,307 views and 3,306 definitely came from me alone. I know, I’ve already seen Bear’s frozen peensicle out in the wild and yet I still spent a lot of time with this dumb video.
Since Bear apparently fakes a lot, that shit in his pants could be fake. Or it could just be an iPhone. I’m mad that nobody in that restaurant noticed the bulge and screamed, “HEY SIRI,” at it to see if it would talk back.
Running Wild with Bear Grylls is supposed to be a show where he and a celebrity type go out into the wild and he shows them how to survive using what’s around (and in) them. But it’s really a nasty fetish show for sick fucks. Even the makers of Japanese game shows watch that crap and heave.
On Monday night’s episode, Michelle Rodriguez was on and Bear Grylls showed her how to make a gourmet meal out of a dead mouse and her own piss. Michelle supposedly dated Colin Farrell at one point, so she’s put dirty things in her mouth before, but this is a new level of sick. Bear and Michelle were conveniently out of water, so they had to cook the mouse in her boiled pee. After they ate the mouse, Bear didn’t want to let the rodent and bladder juice broth go to waste so he drank it up. I once ate a beef burrito I bought from a rest stop vending machine, so I’m not one to judge about disgusting food, but these nasty messes are rich and don’t have to do this (unless they really want to).
Add a cup of pit sweat and that mouse and piss stew would be like the subway in a bowl.
And Bear Grylls needs to stop acting like he’s grossed out by pee, because sick bastard uses it to “survive” whenever he gets a chance. We get it and we know it, Bear Grylls. You’re a urinal breath-having piss queen. There’s no need to play.
Many celebrity marriages end up in the shit can, so Bear Grylls’ proposal to his wife was especially poetic. Bear redefined the art of the proposal when he asked his now wife of 14 years Shara Knight (that would make a hot drag name, by the way) to marry him right after he pulled a ring from between his ass cheeks. Milk, milk, lemonade, around the corner chocolate diamonds are made. Bear told the tale of raw romance during an interview on the BBC’s Piers Morgan’s Life Stories (via Uproxx) last week. Bear shared the story with Piers, because Piers pulls a lot of shit out of his ass, so Bear thought he would appreciate it.
Bear said that while skinny dipping in an ocean somewhere, he took Shara’s hand and as her heart skipped a beat, he farted out her engagement ring.
“I pulled out the ring from my butt cheeks. She was standing there going, ‘What are you doing?’ She was in a towel and a massive Atlantic roller came and I went, ‘Will you…’ — and it went — took me up to the beach. I had all the seaweed and I was spinning around. So I tried it again and in this sort of moment of heavy sedation she said yes.”
Beautiful. That’s kind of how John Travolta’s proposal to Kelly Preston went, except he “accidentally” swallowed the ring if you know what I mean.
When Bear presented Shara with that butt diamond, she held her breath and only because she didn’t want to heave while thinking to herself, “I really hope that’s a funny-looking, dull canary diamond and not a piece of corn. I mean, we did have grilled corn on the cob for lunch.” Shara said yes of course, because any man whose ass cheeks can hold onto a ring while he swims in the ocean is the man for her. Jake Gyllenhaal is probably making a sad face right now. Jake kept his hands between Bear’s butt cheeks (butt cheeks are nature’s hand warmer) to stay warm as they filmed that episode in the cold together and he didn’t pull out a ring. He feels so cheated.
And after Shara slipped on that ring (which I’m guessing either came from Fartier, Hairy Shitstain, Tiffany & Poo or Buttgari), she and Bear toasted to their future with crystal flutes full of some funny-smelling bubbly.
In a pub somewhere in Central London, Bear Grylls has his face underneath a urinal drain in the men’s bathroom and is drowning his sorrows in gallons of piss. Discovery Channel announced today that they are cutting all ties with Kim Kardashian’s golden shower idol, because he has skipped out on two projects he was supposed to do with them. The last episode of Man vs. Wild will air in November. Discovery pissed out this statement to The Hollywood Reporter:
“Due to a continuing contractual dispute with Bear Grylls, Discovery has terminated all current productions with him.”
I hardly watched that mess, but it’s still a sad day in television history. We were so close to getting an episode of Bear finding ways to survive on his own pre-cum for days on end. Now if I want to see a crazy moron lick piss and eat out a soulless, fury beast, I’ll have to start watching Jersey Shore again. No. No. No.