Reason #19,978,293 For Why Bea Arthur Is A Badass Legend

I know what I’m doing this weekend. I’m going to go to every church in my area to slip an extremely important addendum into every Holy Bible in every pew. And that extremely important addendum is: Frontiers Magazine’s Oral History of The Golden Girls.

Frontiers Magazine got some of the writers and producers from the greatest show of all-time, The Golden Girls, to share pieces of priceless gems about the show and its stars. What I learned from it is that Estelle Getty adored the gay community and Rue McClanahan once got cat-called by construction workers and she loved it. But as Jezebel points out, the best story is about how Bea Arthur was never the one. Nowadays, famous whores have it oh-so-easy. If a hating hater hates on them, they can easily slap that trick in 140 characters or less on Twitter. Back in The Golden Girls days, famous types had to do a little work to shut a ho down.

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Reason #915,679,010 On Why I Love Bea Arthur

Apparently, Rufus Wainwright has told this story for years, but this is the first time I’ve heard it and it’s never too late to hear one of the reasons for why Bea Arthur will forever be our Patron Saint of Bitchiness. During a time in Rufus’ life when he was trapped in a black cloud of loneliness, the only thing that gave him life was watching episodes of The Golden Girls. Just like every good gay, Rufus considers Rue, Estelle, Bea and Betty his four apostles. So many years later, Rufus saw Bea at a party and had to thank her for being a friend. Sometimes when you meet one of your idols, you walk away with the taste of disappointment in your mouth, but that didn’t happen to Rufus. Rufus walked away with the feeling of knowing what it’s like to be slapped down by a GOD! This is how Rufus’ moment with Bea went:

Rufus: “I’m sorry to bother you, and I’m sure you hear this all the time, but I was going through a rough patch and Golden Girls brought me so much entertainment and comfort. It really helped me get through the bad spell.You’re so wonderful. You made me feel like you’re my grandmother.”

Bea: *gently leans into his ear* “I’m not your fucking grandmother.” *throws scarf over shoulder, arches back and exits stage left*

Getting bitched out by Bea Arthur is like Jesus himself putting his hand on your forehead to rebuke the evil spirits out of you. How Rufus survived that is beyond me. If Bea Arthur put the word “motherfucker” in my ear, I would’ve called the tombstone store and told them to etch “Bitch Died Happy” into my peen-shaped headstone before falling on the floor to die. You’ve unlocked every achievement and won the game of life when Bea Arthur curses you out.

That’s Sgt. Bea Arthur To You!

Before the late and oh-so-great Bea Arthur was an earth angel and international treasure, she was a truck driving marine who went by her birth name Bernice Frankel. Even in her afterlife, Bea Arthur is finding ways to capture more real estate in my heart and it’s working! But if you ever asked Bea Arthur about her marine days, she’d firmly shake her head NO and remember your face so that she can slap it after you pass through the gates of heaven. The Smoking Gun documented Bea Arthur’s 30 months with the marines starting in 1943. For whatever reason, Bea has always denied serving in the armed forces and took it to HER GRAVE!!!!

Bea enlisted in the marines in 1943 after she found out there were positions for women available. Bea was one of the first members of the Women’s Reserve and she started out as a typist, but also worked as a truck driver for a little while. Bea worked her way up to staff sergeant before she was honorably discharged (FYI: All of Bea’s discharges were honorable, thankyouverymuch) in 1945. There’s two really good parts in The Smoking Gun’s story. The first being that during enlistment interviews officials found Arthur to be a know-it-all hard bitch who spits on authority. Can you tell from the “Don’t Fuck With Me, Boys” smirk she’s throwing in the picture above?

As part of the enlistment process, Arthur underwent interviews that resulted in the production of “personality appraisal” sheets. One such analysis described her conversation as “Argumentative” and her attitude and manner as “Over aggressive.” In a handwritten note, the Marine interviewer remarked, “Officious–but probably a good worker–if she has her own way!”

Now that is the Dorothy Zbornak we all pray to before we go to bed! And the second good part involves an STD!

The military records, released in response to a Freedom of Informaton Act request, include a single “misconduct report” filed against Arthur while she was stationed at the Marine Corps Air Station in Cherry Point, North Carolina. That misconduct determination stemmed from Arthur’s contracting of a venereal disease, which left her “incapacitated for duty” for five weeks in late-1944. As a result, her pay was reduced for that period.

Bea was married at the time so don’t you call her Sgt. Dirty Slut! No, really, don’t, because then Blanche Devereaux will get pissed off since that title rightfully belongs to her.

Nobody really knows why Bea refused to acknowledge that she was once a truck driving marine. Shit, if I was a truck driving marine, I’d shout it everywhere and anywhere. But who knows and who cares. Bea has her reasons and that’s good enough for me. Below is Bea denying her military life during an interview with the TV Academy.

I LOVE IT! I love that right after the women asks her about it, Bea slightly turns her head and thinks to herself: “THIS NOSY BITCH. May she never enjoy cheesecake again!” And I don’t think she did. The cheesecake curse!

Bea Arthur Returns From The Dead To Throw A Side-Eye At McDonald’s

This is my only comment:

Okay, okay, Bea Arthur rolled around with Peta while she was alive, so I’m sure she co-signs this ad (I think). I just needed an excuse to use that GIF.

P.S. – Doesn’t Peta know that there isn’t any real chicken in a McNugget?

via Gothamist

Things That Should Be Illegal: Leaving Farrah Fawcett And Bea Arthur Out Of The In Memoriam Oscar Montage

Farrah Fawcett and Bea Arthur were both left out of the In Memoriam Oscar montage last night. Should I call the police about this illegal activity or do you want to handle this? Or is the Fail Whale already on his way?!

Farrah and Bea are primarily known for being goddesses of TV, but they both have several films credits. Farrah was in Myra Breckinridge, Logan’s Run, Dr. T and the Women and Extremeties! You know you still stop in your tracks every time Extremeties comes on TV at 3 in the morning. As for Bea, I shouldn’t even have to explain why she should have been included. Whenever one has the chance to showcase Bea Arthur’s precious face on a giant screen, they should take it NO MATTER WHAT! It’s just common sense.

Radar asked the rep for the Oscars Leslie Unger what she had to say about snubbing the shiniest stars in heaven, and this was her answer: “It is highly unlikely that we forgot about Farrah Fawcett but we unfortunately don’t include everyone each year. There are many angles that are looked at as to who to include and unfortunately we don’t include everyone.”

Bruce Davis, the executive producer of the Oscars, added this: “It is the single most troubling element of the Oscar show every year. Because more people die each year than can possibly be included in that segment. You are dropping people who the public knows. It’s just not comfortable.”

Leslie and Bruce will regret this dearly when their hair FAILS to flip and a piece of cheesecake FAILS to taste delicious.

Bea Arthur Finally Got Honored!

86-year-old (300 in Hollywood years) living legend Bea Arthur was inducted into the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame last night in Beverly Hills. There’s a major mistake in that last sentence that I didn’t do on purpose, but I’m going to keep it, because it sounds so much hotter and more appropriate than the Academy Of Television Arts And Sciences’ Hall Of Fame.

Bea was finally honored for being one of the hottest bitches in the TV game. I’m still waiting for her to be inducted into the Greatest People on Earth Hall of Fame. This was a long time coming for Bea. It should have happened hundreds of years ago, because who doesn’t have room in their heart area for Bea Arthur?

Betty White and Rue McClanahan couldn’t make it, because Wednesday is their “Hunt for Peen” night and they can’t miss that. I’m sure Estelle Getty was raising her glass of Metamucil to Bea from heaven.

Even though her fellow Golden Girls weren’t there, plenty of others came out to celebrate with Bea including Angela Lansbury, Florence Henderson, Sherwood Schwartz and Doris Roberts.

Doesn’t this post of oldies make you feel as young as a fetus?