Bad news for anyone who was hoping for another chance to watch Sad Jacked Batman emote through grunts on the big screen. Ben Affleck might be done with the whole Batman thing, and you can thank his integrity for that.
If Hollywood has taught me anything, it’s that there’s no such thing as too bad when it comes to making money. Even though the reviews for Batman v Superman made it sound like the kind of bad that was in a race to the bottom of the shitty Batman movie barrel with Batman & Robin (which is truly the gold standard for shitty Batman movies), it continues to make a ton of money. As of yesterday, BvS has made more than half a billion dollars. And if something that bad is bringing in that many dollars, then of course there’s a chance Hollywood would green light a bunch more Batman movies, one of which might be a Batman movie written by Batman himself, Ben Affleck.
During a recent interview with The Hollywood Reporter, one of the CEOs of William Morris Endeavor confirmed that their current favorite client Ben Affleck was signed on to play Batman in at least two more movies: Justice League One and Two. They also hinted at the possibility of seeing Batfleck for a fourth time. You know, because the only thing better than three Batman movies that pull in over half a billion dollars is four Batman movies that pull in over half a billion dollars. Apparently Ben has written a “really cool” script for a Batman movie, which may or may not be the solo Batman movie he’s directing that was announced last July at Comic-Con. No word on if he wrote it while dressed as Batman.
Ben still has to film those two Justice League movies, plus cameos, plus whatever non-superhero stuff he has planned. By the time they get around to making his Batman movie, he’s going to be pushing 50. I hope Ben is able to work his script around the possibility of Bruce Wayne now being a middle-aged dude who only does “really cool” Batman stuff on the weekends after he plays 9-holes of golf or if he wants to impress Robin’s new girlfriend.
“Batman v Superman” doesn’t come out until the end of the month and the PR hos at DC and Warner Bros. are not going to let anyone forget that! They’ve sunk $250 million into this movie – a movie, I suspect, is actually going to be about Ben Affleck‘s back tattoo. Entertainment Weekly has an article chronicling what’s at stake with this movie and the planned DC universe. It’s interesting but about as long as “Batman v Superman” is going to be, which is two hours and thirty-one fucking minutes!
It’s amazing to see just how hard these people want to sell us something. On the second page of the article, there’s a fun little nugget of a paragraph,
If BvS sounds crowded, it actually got smaller as time went on. The PG-13 movie’s 2 hour 31 minute runtime will expand further with an R-rated “Ultimate Edition” on home video, featuring even more brutal fight scenes as well as additional hints at future films. There’ll also be some new characters, including a secret one played by Jena Malone, who was cut from the theatrical release.
The movie isn’t even out yet and already they’re hustling us for that DVD money. They slashed that R to a PG-13 to get kiddie money and are now dangling more hardcore Ben Affleck on Henry Cavill action in front of the noses of those ride or die geeks that cream their Superman undies every time they release another teaser trailer. I really don’t have enough “I can’t”s for them selling us Jena Malone as a “secret character”. She got cut out of the movie for whatever reason, probably for time, and that’s that. Call it a deleted scene, call it a fun bonus, but please don’t try and sell me some expanded experience nonsense. This whole thing is like when you go to a fancy steakhouse and the $75 porter strip sirloin whatever doesn’t come with any sides so you have to order $12 carrots and mashed potatoes.
Pic: Warner Bros.
If I’ve learned anything about Ben Affleck, it’s that when he does something, he goes all in. When Ben Affleck decided to cheat on his wife, he went full-Hollywood and did it with the nanny. When Ben Affleck decided to take his gambling game to the next level, he started counting cards and getting kicked out of casinos. And when it comes to fixing all the fuck-ups and plot holes in the script for Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice, he did it dressed as Batman.
A source tells UsWeekly that when Ben arrived to set, he’d head to wardrobe, slip into his Batman suit, grab a copy of the script, and start making changes. I know Ben Affleck is an Academy Award-winning screenwriter, but I wasn’t aware he was helping write that movie. According to the Internet, he wasn’t supposed to do anything more for Superhero Slap Fight than put on a costume and scowl into the camera. But reportedly Ben “wasn’t thrilled with it and would find himself on multiple occasions fixing it the day of.”
I don’t know how long Ben spent fixing the script, but I’ll be honest – it was clearly a waste of time. I must have watched the trailers for Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice at least 600 times, and not ONCE did I see anyone serving up some sweet moves to Prince’s Batdance. How can you rewrite a movie about Batman and leave out the most important aspect of the franchise? But I’ll give credit where credit is due. Ben totally could have done those rewrites in the comfort of a Doritos-covered Snuggie like a real writer (uh…or so I’ve heard). Instead, he chose to marinate in rubber Batsuit sweat and risk heat stroke to his balls. And then when he was done shooting, he made like Bruce Wayne and headed to a club where he proceeded to work his rich single guy game on a bunch of blondes. Ben is truly committed to his craft.
Pic: Warner Brothers
My baby gay-self screamed “GOD YES!” when Wonder Woman popped up at the end of the trailer even though she just stands there while not being Lynda Carter. It’s the power of widow’s peak boots!
Ben Affleck went on Jimmy Kimmel Live! last night to show everyone the new trailer for “Batman v Superman,” which comes out in March. The trailer made the movie look like one long contest where they all try to out-constipate face each other. Mostly everyone looks all serious, strained, brooding and like their bowels are in major need of some damn relief. They finally get that relief and their backed-up shit loads form a giant mutated caca monster named Doomsday! Doomsday looks like Piece of Chet from Weird Science after he went on the Paleo diet and took a whole lot of roids.
Gal Gadot as Wonder Woman doesn’t show up until later in the trailer, so skip to the 2:36 mark if she’s the only thing you care about.
And Jesse Eisenberg as Lex Luthor… Damn. I don’t think he got the note that the movie’s overall mood is “first few seconds of a Dulcolax commercial” and not “last few seconds of a NoDoz commercial.” Wrong over-the-counter drug, bitch. Dude is hyper wrapped in annoying. He’s like Nermal from Garfield as an evil villain. I don’t know if he’s playing Lex Luthor, The Riddler, Jar Jar Binks, Larry from Three Stooges or a combination of them all.
Also, I have a side question. Do you think that while impatiently waiting to shoot the big fight scene, Henry Cavill and Ben Affleck asked what the hold-up was and the production assistant said, “Waiting for Gadot.” Okay, okay, I’m leaving. I’m showing myself out!
Human elevator fart Donald Trump still thinks he’s going to be the next President of the United States, so he spent this weekend campaigning at the Iowa State Fair. You know, kissing babies and shit. Unfortunately, no babies were willing to make the ultimate sacrifice (ie. getting within kissing distance of Donald Trump’s nasty hair pile and risk getting scratched by the pale insanity goblin that lives inside). So instead, CNN says he offered free helicopter rides to kids.
While in the helicopter, a 9-year-old kid named William asked him: “Mr. Trump, are you Batman?“. Instead of answering “I can see how you might be confused, considering I look like a Dr. Moreau-style mistake involving a yellow-winged bat and an albino manatee, but no“, he answered: “I am Batman.”
Someone needs to tell Donald Trump that my truly shitty Photoshop job above is as close as he’ll ever come to being Batman. Hell, I’m pretty sure if he went to put on a Batman costume from Party City, the costume would hiss “NOPE” and spontaneously combust. Was there ever a Batman villain whose thing was relentless word vomit and looked like a dried apricot that fell under the fridge and landed in a pile of dust and hair? If so, then he’s maybe that. But I say “maybe“, because it honestly feels too mean to compare Donald Trump to anything, even a Batman villain.
Of course, that wasn’t the only fuckery that came out of Donald Trump’s mouth hole this weekend. He also took a swipe at Heidi Klum during an interview with The New York Times. While talking about whether he’d ever tone down the Donald during his campaign – like rating women on Twitter – he said:
“Sometimes I do go a little bit far. Heidi Klum. Sadly, she’s no longer a 10.”
Well, of course he’d say that; if you were to stare directly at the gorgeous vision-altering all-natural visage of Melania Trump, your perception of beauty would be warped too.
Here’s Bruce Wayne at an event in Gotham City earlier today. Damn, Alfred is looking good.