The official premiere for A Star Is Born, which has had what feels like THE LONGEST rollout in all of movie history, happened last night at The Shrine Auditorium in LA. There were a lot of randos on the red carpet, but it turns out there were a lot of randos in the movie. We all know that it stars Lady Gaga as Ally The Ingénue and Bradley Cooper as Jackson Maine The Leather Satchel. But you might be surprised to learn that the cast also includes Andrew Dice Clay as Lorenzo The Geriatric DJ (judging from his outfit last night) and Willam Belli as Emerald The Real Star, Henny.
If you’ve got an elderly Fanilow in your life who never had a Gaydar™ installed in her body and thinks that your gay uncle’s longtime partner is his “roommate,” you may want to crouch in front of her while holding a catcher’s mitt as you tell her this earth-shattering news. Because this bombshell news may cause her heart to shoot out of her chest and you’ll need to catch before it hits the wall.
To paraphrase one of my favorite philosophers Frankie Lons: This is a Manilow down, code 10 situation!
It is a shitty, shitty week for glamour and opulence. First, the human version of a diamond lying at the bottom of a crystal flute full of champagne, Zsa Zsa Gabor, had to undergo emergency surgery after she got a lung infection caused by her feeding tube. And now, the human version of a lit up neon palm tree, Barry Manilow, is laid up in a hospital bed after he too had to have emergency surgery.
Reuters says that Barry had oral surgery on Monday and I guess he was well enough to perform, because he put on a show in Memphis, TN last night. But something went wrong with Barry and right after his show, he flew to Los Angeles to see his doctors. Barry’s rep said that he had “complications” from the oral surgery and had to go through surgery again. A few of his shows have been rescheduled, because his mouth needs time to recover enough for him to yodel out gold-covered musical notes. This note went up today on Barry’s Facebook page:
Manilow Out of Surgery
Barry is out of surgery and doing well. His Doctors report that the surgery was successful and they expect no further complications. For the next forty eight hours, Manilow has been instructed not to talk, sing, or rap.
Barry thanks everyone for their well wishes and concern.
Barry was nominated for a Grammy but he may not grace the awards show with his presence on Monday.
You know that the Fanilows have stuck ear plugs in their hearing holes and will keep them in there for the next 48 hours, because they refuse to listen to anything until their God can sing again. But really, 2016 is a demon’s asshole for messing with our glamour icons. My tia used to have a framed copy of “A Protection Prayer to Archangel Michael” hanging in her kitchen and I wish I had memorized it, because I need to say it for our other glamour icons like Joan Collins, Walter Mercado, Chantal Biya and exquisite cotton candy angel grifter Jan Crouch. Not today, 2016.
Paramedics are going to busy today, because some old ladies are going to get two of the biggest shocks of their lives when they find out that their heterosexual sex god in a satin blazer actually likes dick and married his longtime partner.
Hearts Pacemakers will break today. Don’t tell them about John Travolta. They can only handle so much today.
The American journal of pure integrity The National Enquirer was the first to report that 71-year-old Barry Manilow and his 66-year-old business manager/longtime partner in peen Garry Kief became husband and husband at their estate in Palm Springs, CA last April. When I think of a Barry Manilow wedding, my head fills with glitter, because I think of groomsmen in sequined Copacabana outfits, a beautiful altar flanked with neon palm trees, mermaids doing a synchronized dance of love in the pool and guests gasping at the sight of Barry’s stunning wedding day wig. Basically, I picture an understated, casual day at Liberace’s house. But according to the source I have it all wrong, because the ‘arry’s wedding was intimate and low-key.
The source says that 50 of Barry and Garry’s friends and family were invited, but they weren’t told that a wedding was happening. They all believed they were coming over for a lunch. Barry’s assistant Marc Hulett officiated the ceremony and Suzanne Somers was the best man. The original Clay Aiken was so paranoid about people finding out about the ceremony that he and Garry didn’t even sign any paperwork, so they’re not legally married. Oh, Barry!
“Barry has lived a very secretive life and the wedding was no different! Barry and Garry did not tell friends or family that the occasion was their wedding. It was a beautiful wedding and consummated their lifelong love affair!
Barry is paranoid that his fans would not approve of him being gay, when in reality, many have suspected it for years – and most wouldn’t care. They would be happy for him!”
The people who don’t know that Barry Manilow is gay are the same people who ask me in a serious voice if I have a girlfriend. Their gaydars are the wind up kind and the clockwork motor broke a long ass time ago. Barry and Garry should come out with their love, because the source is right, most Fanilows probably wouldn’t care that he’s gay. In fact, some of them would be relieved. They’ve been saving their vagina for him and after they find out that they really have no chance in hell with him, they’ll run out and get them some dick. Barry would be giving them the gift of dick and that’s a beautiful, beautiful gift.
Here’s Barry’s best man with her man at some event in Las Vegas a couple of weeks ago.
And I wish I was about to tell you that Barry Manilow’s got Marilyn Manson’s zombie cream smeared all over his lips, but no. Before Marilyn Manson and Lana Del Rey, made everyone ask themselves “But where’s the fourth horseman?” by posing for this picture with Barry Manilow at the Echo Awards in Germany yesterday, the two got close at a charity event in Berlin. An ONTDer posted the pictures and proclaimed, “NEW COUPLE ALERT!” Marilyn and Lana Del Taco apparently left the event together and snuck into the same hotel. Marilyn sure does have a type and that type is any trick who is stoned enough to lick on his wrinkled powdered donut hole without vomming up her dignity.
Whores throw a lot of shit bombs at Lana Delrrhea, but I don’t hate her and that’s probably because she’s like Chicken Cutlets if Chicken Cutlets sedated herself down to play Jennifer North in a public access remake of Valley of the Dolls. But the only thing creepier than Blahna Del Nay humping on Marilyn Manson (who is transforming into an extra bloated Nicolas Cage as Skrillex) in a hotel room is if Barry Manilow was in the corner finger banging his innie while humming the melody to “Please Don’t Be Scared.”