The name of the vibrator in Babwawawa’s side table isn’t “Selfie,” it’s Bwadwee!
Barbara Walters still does her 10 Most Fascinating People list and everyone on it is usually the direct opposite of fascinating and that includes Bradley Cooper. But now I know why Babwa put B. Coop on her list. She just wanted to let him know in person that she’d fuck him until they were both suffering from severe dehydration, and even then, she’d hook them both up to IVs and fuck on him some more. Those who say that Babwa is no longer the hard-hitting serious journalist she once was need to slather their words with KY and eat them hard. Babwa is still hard-hitting, meaning she wants to hit B. Coop’s ass hard. During their interview, Babwa let B. Coop know that he’s vewwy vewwy scwewable.
Babwa: “I could just sit and stare at you, but that would take too much time. But I, I find you very screwable.”
B. Coop: “Thank you. I think that I’ve grown to stop thinking about it. … But sometimes I feel better than others. Yeah, I think it has a lot to do with feeling comfortable with yourself. And I know that I’m more comfortable with myself than I’ve ever been in my life, so maybe that makes me more attractive.”
Barbara Walters has done a lot in life, but I see that she still has goals and one of those goals is to be a late-in-life beard. Get that contract, Babwa! But really, Barbara Walters has only won one Peabody in her entire career, which is crazy. But I’m sure she’ll get another one for her interview with B. Coop. Because it takes a special gift to make Bradley Cooper melt into a puddle of embarrassment while thinking about how the legendary journalist in front of him wants to sit on his face and wide until she’s waw.
Pics: Wenn.com, ABC
For those of you thinking “When did that backwards-talking tweaker who sat beside me on the bus that one time and smelled like tinfoil and Skittles become friends with David Letterman?“, I’m afraid that’s not your friendly neighborhood tweaker, but Jim Carrey. But even if it was the random dude who once tried to sell you something called ‘Special J’ (peroxide, Pixy Stix, and lice shampoo), just remember – it’s still better than who showed up for Jay Leno’s last episode.
So last night was David Letterman’s final episode of Late Night with David Letterman, and everyone came out to say goodbye. Three former and one current President of the United States opened the show, the Foo Fighters showed up and played “Everlong”, and the last Top Ten list was read by 10 of his most famous friends. We already knew Bill Murray was going to be there, thanks to the city-wide booze shortage he caused on Tuesday night, but he was joined by Jim Carrey (who looks like he drank whatever Bill threw up), Alec Baldwin, Tina Fey, Jerry Seinfeld, and Peyton Manning? Sure, why not!
Also, big shout outs to Barbara Walters, who kept it together, even though it was obvious she had been sampling whatever liquid was left in the Will It Float tank. Speaking of Will It Float, where the hell was Grinder Girl?!? How could David gather all his nearest and dearest and forget the Late Show’s glamorous Russian crotch-grinding goddess? Maybe it was a health and safety thing; there’s always a chance Alec Baldwin might fall into a rage hole, and the last thing CBS would want is for him to grab a dangerous power tool on the way down.
Here are all Dave’s famous friends arriving at the final Late Show with David Letterman. Bye Dave! I’ll miss you and Paul Shaffer, but I’ll especially miss hearing that sex-voiced panty-dampening ginger announcer Alan Kalter (what? Don’t judge me).
At the end of Barbara Walters’ 10 Most Fascinating People special, which splattered on TV screens last night, she said that it will probably be her last time doing it and even though she said the same thing last year, she sort of kind of means it this time. No, she doesn’t. Babwa will do it again next year, because she lives for everyone’s brain burping out a stream of HUHs over her weird choices. Next year, Barbara should stop with the trickery and keep it honest. She needs to change the title of her list to the 10 Least Fascinating People, because some of the people on this year’s list are about as fascinating as a piece of chewed, wet cauliflower stuck to a string of floss.
Barbara’s Most Fascinating People list included Chelsea Handler, ScarJo (?????), Neil Patrick Harris, Michael Strahan (??????), Elon Musk, Oprah, Taylor Swift, George RR Martin and David H. Koch. There are over 7 billion people in the world, and according to Babwa, 2 of the most fascinating are a People’s Choice-nominated actress and the co-host of a morning show that’s on the network she works for. The word “fascinating” really needs to file a lawsuit against Barbra for slandering it over and over again. Because Barbara’s list was the opposite of fascinating, I figured that her Most Fascinating Person of 2014 would be Blake Lively. Barbra went with Amal Clooney instead and sure, she’s a well-spoken, educated human rights lawyer, but she only became fascinating when she married Booker from Roseanne:
ABC has finally come to the realization that the cast of The View has the cumulative IQ of a half-digested ass corn and nobody wants to see a bunch of twat bubbles talk about current events (“I do, which is why I’m reading Dlisted right now” – you “Good point” – me). TMZ and TVLine say that there was a pink slip party at ABC today and Sherri Shepherd and Jenny McCarthy both got one (as expected), and longtime executive producer Bill Geddie is next. Since Barbara Walters has retired and is spending her days with her true love, her vibrator, Whoopi Goldberg is the only hysterical hen left in the pen and I hope it stays that way, because I’d really love it if next season was nothing but a stoned Whoopi defending all the assholes while dressed like a butch lesbian pilgrim.
2014 hasn’t been Sherri’s year. Her marriage died like her one working brain cell when she thinks about evolution, she’s fighting her husband for custody of their unborn baby and now trick is out of a job. Sherri confirmed to Deadline that The View has lost its resident science expert.
“It’s been seven wonderful years on The View and after careful consideration it is time for me to move on. I am extremely grateful to Barbara Walters and Bill Gedde for giving me the opportunity. I look forward to the business opportunities that lay ahead for me and I am incredibly grateful to my View family and my fans for supporting me on this journey.”
A source (aka Sherri) tells UsWeekly that the producers were trying to get Sherri to stay, but they couldn’t come to an agreement about money. Yeah, Sherri probably wanted 1 trillion dollars and ABC wanted to pay her a half-penny a day since that’s what her thoughts are worth.
Jenny hasn’t shat up a statement yet, but I’m sure she’ll say that it was her decision to leave The View, because she wants to spend more time fucking Donnie Wahlberg, hanging out with her ex-autistic son and she wants to devote more time to her real passion: bringing up the number on JennyMcCarthyBodyCount.com by telling everyone to stay away from vaccines.
TMZ says that ABC is thinking of adding dudes to the table next season and they’re talking to Ross Matthews and Jesse Palmer from the fifth season of The Bachelor. In other words, the executives at ABC pass around a crack pipe during their meetings about casting decisions for The View. Why doesn’t ABC just cast Grumpy Cat, Maru, Lil Bub and Boo and film them sniffing each other’s asses for an hour? I’d DVR it.
UPDATE: Jenny twatted that she’s following Sherri out the exit door.
For Barbara Walters’ great big retirement party on The View today, about two dozen female anchors (and Kathie Lee Gifford and Lara Spencer) came out to pay tribute to the lispy, crazy-eyed pioneer queen who paved the way for all of them.
During Barbara’s final show on The View, Hillary Clinton came out to talk about highly important shit like the fetus growing in Chelsea Clinton’s uterus, Michael Douglas came out to talk about that highly important movie he did with Diane Keaton and then the ceiling opened up and the angels sang when The Mighty O flew in to introduce the likes of Connie Chung, Diane Sawyer, Jane Pauley, Katie Couric, Gayle King (Side note: You could almost feel the goosebumps on The Mighty O’s nips when she screamed, GAYLE KING!), Maria Shriver and Kathie Lee Gifford who was only invited because Robin Byrd couldn’t make it and they had a spot to fill. They all said goodbye to Barbara Walters after 58 years of asking hos what kind of tree they would be if they were a tree.
At the end of the show, Barbara spit out a goodbye speech where she said that she’s staying on as executive producer of The View, which means that this goodbye is as final as Cher’s 12th farewell tour. Barbara Walters needs the cameras to breathe, so she’ll be back and her crazy eyes will once again clamp onto the edges of our souls.
But seriously, after a long successful career, Barbara is ending it next to piece of trash Jenny McCarthy and Sherri Shepherd’s ugly polyester Peter Pan wig. I guess going out on a low note is still going out.
WARNING: Watching this video of Barbara Walters talking about fucking her dusty babawawa biscuit with a vibrator named Selfie on The View may be harmful to your health. Uncommon but serious side effects of viewing this video may include:
Filing for divorce from the area of the brain that holds memories, a shame erection, thoughts of suicide (following shame erection), anti-arousal (also known as Sahara Syndrome), a written complaint from your gag reflex, the condition known as Nope Face, bargaining with a higher power for the existence of Men in Black mind-erase things. If you experience a sudden loss in vision, do not be alarmed; it is common for parts of your body to peace the fuck out during a traumatic event.
And I’m all for oldies getting theirs, but I’d rather stick to a ‘don’t ask, please for the love of god don’t tell’ policy when it comes to the details of memaws and pawpaws doing the one-armed Charleston. Barbara, I’m happy you’re (shudder) masturbating, but we don’t need to know anymore about Selfie. We don’t need to know what kind it is, where you bought it, where you use it, or who you’re using it to. But if I had to guess, it’s probably an old picture of Calvin Coolidge, right? No, wait, don’t answer that.