Amy Pascal Wants Idris Elba To Be The Next Bond

In “Something My Nipples And Sex Parts Really Want To Happen” news…

FINALLY, something feel goody (besides those saint-dragging emails, of course) has come out of this Sony Hacking ESCANDALO of 2014. Many of the hacked Sony e-mails were about the new James Bond movie and how thanks to its $300 million budget it might become the most expensive movie ever made. They barely started production on this one, but they’re already looking to future Bond movies. The Daily Beast says that in an e-mail from January, Sony co-chair Amy Pascal writes that she thinks Panty Creamer Hall of Famer Idris Elba should be the next James Bond when Daniel Craig’s contract is up. Daniel Craig is contracted for one more Bond movie after this Spectre shit.

An email sent on January 4, 2014, from Pascal to Elizabeth Cantillon, former executive vice president of production for Columbia Pictures, which distributes the Bond films, simply says, “Idris should be the next bond.”

Idris has said before that if he was offered Bond, he’d snatch it up fast.

If Idris Elba gets cast as James Bond, it’ll be the best move a studio has made since greenlighting Showgirls. Who cares if Idris Elba is 42 and will be close to kissing 50 by the time he’s James Bond, if he’s James Bond. Daniel Craig is 46 and will probably be a 50-something Bond himself. I’d watch Idris Elba as a 75-year-old James Bond and I’d still love seeing him catch the evil fucks while working a walker. But if Idris Elba plays James Bond, they’d have to change his agent code. He couldn’t be Agent 007. If those pictures he said weren’t of his dick really were of his dick, then he’d be Agent XX8andahalfmaybe9.

Since we’re on the subject of Bond dream casting, here’s my dream Bond girl Bai Ling giving you mystery and intrigue at some event in L.A. on  Thursday night.

Pics: Wenn.com

And Here’s Jennifer Aniston’s Exquisitely Beaded Boobs, Bceause Why Not?

I have literally been staring at this picture of Jennifer Aniston with her 45-year-old tits out for about 18 minutes and wondering which I should be more jealous of: that her tits are 1,000x better than mine (“Well, start wearing a bra then, dummy!” – hissed my tits) or that she’s made herself a handy built-in shelf for holding her drinks when her arms get tired. Yeah, you’re right – the second one. I would give anything for a built-in booze holder.

Last night was the Horrible Bosses 2 premiere in Los Angeles, and I know I talked a lot about Jenny’s chichis at the London premiere, but that was NOTHING compared to the bridal boobs bonanza she was serving up last night. Everything about her look is so great, from the “Yeah I just woke up in a casino bathroom” hair to the hand-beaded beauty pageant pearl couture to the Orange Opulence spray tan. She’s beautiful – she’s exactly what I want to look like when I get married; like an upscale mermaid escort.

She also gets points for looking like a slutty cosplay of Kelly and Brenda at the Spring Dance, which is always a classic.

Here’s more of potential future Academy Award-nominated actress Jennifer Aniston working wedding stripper on top and funeral stripper on the bottom at the Horrible Bosses 2 premiere, as well as all the dudes in that movie (smug SNL dude, Arrested Development dude, Charlie from It’s Always Sunny), and for some reason Bai Ling – you know what? She doesn’t need a reason to be there. Bai Ling should be invited to everything.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

Open Post: Hosted By The Ageless Intergalactic Daisy That Is Bai Ling

It’s been eons since I’ve posted about this rare jewel from Mars and I was beginning to think that Bai Ling permanently went back to her home planet, because her subjects needed her beauty, glamour and wisdom to lead them. But Bai Ling is still here and is still blessing us humans with her otherworldly perfection. While dressed like a hooker Minnie Mouse turning tricks on Main Street, Bai Ling did a photo shoot at Lake Balboa in Encino, CA for the paps she called Vogue Neptune and she delicately served up the poses she obviously learned during her senior year at Phoebe Price’s Pose Academy. Lake Balboa has been closed indefinitely while crews clean up all the duck butter those ducks made while watching this goddess in action.

After the shoot, Bai wrote a beautiful poem about it on Facebook:

My style, my fashion …
walking on a lake so beautiful the summer in LA …. Watching the reflation of the trees dancing in the gentle sunlight, children playing with laughter, and the ducks can you see them behind me? like a little boats ups and down …so comfortably at home with content and joy

Cookie: sending gentle wind your way and be patient

Bai Ling is even poetic when she’s telling someone that she farted in an envelope and is sending it to them. That’s what “sending gentle wind your way” means, right?

Pics: Splash

Michael Douglas Got Throat Cancer From Eating Coochie

Filling his throat with cigarette smoke and downing gallons of booze is not what led to Michael Douglas getting cancer of the froat, so says Michael Douglas. During an interview with The Guardian, Michael Douglas was asked if he cursed booze and cigarettes after he was diagnosed with stage 4 throat cancer. MD doesn’t blame fags and the sweet nectar, because he says drinking and smoking for decades isn’t what gave him throat cancer, munching snatch did. MD says that some coochie needs to come with a warning label, because cunnilingus nearly killed him (that’s some Deadliest Snatch shit). MD explained it like this:

“No. Because without wanting to get too specific, this particular cancer is caused by HPV [human papillomavirus], which actually comes about from cunnilingus.”

MD was a major whore for many years, so who knows if CZJ is the one with a killer pussy. MD went on to joke that while making mouth love to vagina gave him throat cancer, it also cured his throat cancer.

“I did worry if the stress caused by my son’s incarceration didn’t help trigger it. But yeah, it’s a sexually transmitted disease that causes cancer. And if you have it, cunnilingus is also the best cure for it.”

Now some tricks are totally going to use the “I don’t want to get cancer!” excuse to get out of going down. Well, you can tell them that if they get cancer from eating coochie, they can cure themselves by continuing to eat that coochie. Dr. Michael Douglas said so!

And while reading about the dangers of getting cancer from oral, I also learned that you can get cancer (via HPV) from sucking dick too. WHY?!!!!!!!!

This Is The Look: Elena Lenina At The Cannes Film Festival

Who cares if the name “Elena Lenina” makes your mind go blank the same way White Oprah’s does when she tries to think of the name of the youngest Lohan kid. The only thing you need to know about Russian TV personality type Elena Lenina is that she brought the glamour to the Cannes Film Festival premiere of Jimmy P., Psychotherapy of a Plains Indian when she sashayed onto the red carpet with a giant butt plug of hair on top her head. Elena looks like a Martian Girl from Xenu’s home planet. If this is Elena’s way of trying to become the next Mrs. Tommy Girl, it’s totally going to work. The quickest way to Tommy’s heart is through his butt.

I am jealous of the lucky ho who got to sit behind Elena Lenina during the movie. Staring at a blond butt plug is totally better than watching some movie. Backdoor Farrah just put out the welcome mat in front of her backdoor for Elena. Just bring your butt plug hair, Elena. Farrah’s already got the lube.

And here’s some others at tonight’s premiere who obviously didn’t get the memo that the theme of the night was “sex toy hair.” In order after Elena: Jennifer Lawrence, Liam Hemsworth, Cheryl Cole, Jane Fonda, Eva Longoria, Bai Ling and the all-natural Queen of Cannes Chicken Cutlets.

Catherine Zeta-Jones Goes Back Into Treatment For Bipolar II Disorder

Catherine Zeta-Jones’ rep said in a statement to everyone last night that she has gone off to a mental health treatment facility for a little bipolar disorder maintenance. CZJ has been open about her bipolar II disorder and in 2011 she went off to a rehab facility for 30 days, because she was about lose it. (“Thee, I thold you all women are moody!” – mood expert Drew Barrymore) CZJ’s rep Cece Yorke (that’s a hot name) released this statement of words to the media:

“Catherine has proactively checked into a health care facility. Previously Catherine has said that she is committed to periodic care in order to manage her health in an optimum manner.”

A friends of CZJ’s tells People that she didn’t have a breakdown or anything. CJZ’s 30-day rehab stay was already planned and she’s there so that doctors can monitor her medication. The friend went on to say, “This was just a good time to do it. She is in between projects. This has always been part of the plan. She would manage her health. She is vigilant about it.”

Let’s say CZJ checked in over the weekend, that means she’ll be out at the end of May. Behind the Candelabra airs on May 26th on HBO. I see what CZJ is really doing. CZJ is just trying to avoid the images of a Liberace wig slowly falling off of Michael Douglas’ head as he pounds Matt Damon from behind. I don’t blame her.

Here’s CZJ and Michael Douglas at the 40th Annual Chaplin Award Gala in NYC last week.