We’ve been shitting up post after post from last night’s Adele Appreciation Ceremony (Featuring Adele Appreciating Beyonce), but another awards show happened yesterday. Two weeks before Hollywood gets dressed up in $15,000 gowns to lick each other’s taints and jack one another off at the Oscars, they got into $15,000 gowns to lick each other’s taints and jack one another off at the BAFTAs last night.
Any way to make a little extra cash, I guess. I’m joking, of course; as fas as I know, Kanye West hasn’t released a line of formal pantyhose refugee rags. I do, however, know that Rooney Mara’s Mad Max-meets-washing your dirty lace panties in the sink look from the BAFTAs last night is courtesy of Kanye’s best boo Riccardo Tisci and Givenchy, which actually makes a lot of sense.
I bet this dress started out as a sketch for a normal red carpet gown, but then Riccardo made the mistake of showing it to Kanye during one of their Friday night No Kims Allowed sleepovers in France. That’s when Kanye whipped out his favorite beige marker and book of funeral home curtain samples and turned it into the decomposing hobo bride couture you see above. And of course Rooney loved it, because she loves looking like a haunted vintage doll on prom night.
Rooney Mara wasn’t the only one who showed up to the British Oscars looking like a damp mess. Her Carol co-star Cate Blanchett, who usually gives ten tons of WTF excellence, showed up in some kind of tapestry on the top/goth Christmas Tree garland on the bottom thing. Although it does look like her tapestry is spreading down her body like an expensive rash, and Rich Lady Rash is a look I can get behind.
Here’s more fancy-dressed famous types from last night, including Kate Winslet looking like a chick whose goal is to bang Gordon Gekko and Kate Capshaw giving you “I cut my bangs in the limo on the ride over!” realness.
Dear producers of the Golden Globes, please have a kiss cam at next year’s ceremony, because you know those drunk wrecks would tongue fuck like there’s no tomorrow and it’d make that show a million times more entertaining. P.S. – Make sure Idris Elba and Alexander Skarsgard are seated next to each other and make sure the kiss cam lands on them as much as possible.
At the beginning of the BAFTAs last night, host Stephen Fry told the audience that a kiss cam was making the rounds and he tried to get the famous tricks in the audience to touch lips. Even Leonardo DiCatchAHo was a good sport about it and played along. He went against everything he believes in by kissing a woman who isn’t a 24-year-old blonde bikini model. But real-life couple Alicia Vikander and Michael Fassbender poo poo’d on the kiss cam and refused to suck face. The moment was apparently so awkward that it got cut for viewers. Boring hos!
Each reacted with various degrees of enthusiasm: some responded with a polite peck on the cheek, an actorly faux make-out, the full goods, or an (awkward) flat-out refusal.
First victims were the only real life couple Fry preyed upon; nominees Michael Fassbender and Alicia Vikander. Famously private in their relationship, the pair refused to kiss for their host and left the air hanging with discomfort. So awkward, in fact, that it was cut out of the BBC One broadcast of the show.
But seriously, I’m with Alicia Vikander. If I was her and was sitting next to Michael Assbender, I wouldn’t waste my time or mess up my lipstick for the dumb, stupid kiss cam. I’d save my energy for when the suck that dick cam landed on us.
Two things happened at the BAFTAs last night that made everyone present whisper “Well, I wasn’t expecting that to happen” to person sitting beside them. The first one was that Leonardo DiCaprio put his mouth on a woman 56 years older than his usual bone by date. The second one was that Rebel Wilson came out as a proud member of #OscarsWhoGivesAFuck.
Before she presented the award for Best Supporting Actor, Fat Amy pulled out a piece of paper and gave a sarcasm-dipped statement about how it’s so great to be here “at this very serious event” (the Coen Brothers just fell in love), adding that she’s never been invited to the Oscars, because “they are racist.” She also made a joke about “transgendered face” and getting the vapors for Idris Elba because she’s sociologically programmed to “want chocolate on Valentine’s Day.” I’m pretty sure that’s an Internet Outrage Bingo?
On a scale from Charlotte Rampling to Emma Thompson, I guess Rebel’s speech falls somewhere between…I’m not sure, really. I still don’t know what she was trying to say, but that’s my fault. I got distracted by that “diverse members” comment, and my brain hasn’t been able to focus anything but the mental image of a well-stocked dick buffet ever since.
Here’s more of Rebel wearing some kind of church choir director mullet dress at the BAFTAs last night.
Who am I kidding? Unless it’s a statue of a little naked gold man covering his junk with a sword, that award is going straight in the trash. No, I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio was very happy to win his very first BAFTA this weekend. After all, it gave him an opportunity to practice his “OMG really? Me?” face for the Oscars.
So, as if you couldn’t have already guessed by all your grizzly bear friends going crazy on your Facebook timeline last night, The Revenant won a whole mess of BAFTAs. Cold Sad Leo took home the award for Best Picture, Best Director, Best Cinematography, Best Sound, but most importantly, Best Actor for Leo. This is also the closest Leo has gotten to winning all five of the most important acting awards. I swear to god, if for some reason Leo doesn’t win Best Actor at the Academy Awards and it turns out that this awards season has been one long Carrie-style prank, then everybody in the Dolby Theatre better say goodbye to their loved ones, because Leo will set them all on fire with his mind.
But something even more exciting than winning an award happened to Leo last night. That’s right, he got to kiss on Dame Maggie Smith!
I was chasing the Tylenol lizard last night (aka I was sick), so I didn’t watch the BAFTAs. But it looks like I clearly should have. I didn’t know they got all horny and made out at these things. If the Oscars wants people to stick around and watch all 1,824 hours of that shit, they should really borrow from the BAFTAs and throw in a mid-show make-out break. And if they really want those Nielsen ratings, they could change it from kissing to full-on fucking. “Sure, whatever it takes to get that Oscar” said Leo, as he mentally prepared to fuck the middle-aged puppet from Anomalisa.
Here’s more of Leo with his Valentine (an award) in the BAFTAs press room with a teeny-tiny Tom Cruise and the angel that has made all his award season dreams come true, Alejandro Iñárritu.
Now that he was expected to, but now I fully expect his kind to drop in on Earth from their home planet and terrorize London for snubbing their overlord. Thanks, BAFTAs voters, you just started the Reptilian vs. Human war.
Benedict Cumberbatch and his knocked up fiancee Sophie Hunter slithered on the red carpet on the BAFTAs tonight and I don’t think I’ve noticed this before, but have they always had the same shaped face? Did getting filed up with B. Cums’ alien lizard mating nectar morph her face into the same shape as his or have they both always looked like the come-to-life police sketch of an alien? Oscar voting ends in less than 10 days, so I’m highly disappointed that Sophie Hunter didn’t give birth to their spawn right there on the red carpet as a puppy they both rescued from a fire (for real and not Brian Williams-style) married them. Come on, B. Cums, time is running out and you better start churning out the STUNT QUEEN stunts. Or at least leak career-ruining stories to the media about how Michael Keaton once liked Iggy Azalea’s Facebook page and Eddie Redmyane actually paid to see and enjoyed Mortdecai.
Click here to see the full list of all the hos who won tonight, but if you don’t want to see the full list, here’s the nominees and winners of some of the main categories.
The Grand Budapest Hotel
The Imitation Game
The Theory of Everything
OUTSTANDING BRITISH FILM
The Theory of Everything
The Imitation Game
Under the Skin
Eddie Redmayne, The Theory of Everything
Benedict Cumberbatch, The Imitation Game
Jake Gyllenhaal, Nightcrawler
Michael Keaton, Birdman
Ralph Fiennes, The Grand Budapest Hotel
Julianne Moore, Still Alice
Amy Adams, Big Eyes
Felicity Jones, The Theory of Everything
Reese Witherspoon, Wild
Rosamund Pike, Gone Girl
Boyhood, Richard Linklater
Birdman, Alejandro G. Inarritu
The Grand Budapest Hotel, Wes Anderson
The Theory of Everything, James Marsh
Whiplash, Damien Chazelle
J.K. Simmons, Whiplash
Edward Norton, Birdman
Ethan Hawke, Boyhood
Mark Ruffalo, Foxcatcher
Steve Carell, Foxcatcher
Patricia Arquette, Boyhood
Emma Stone, Birdman
Imelda Staunton, Pride
Keira Knightley, The Imitation Game
Rene Russo, Nightcrawler
Do we even need to bother with the Oscars at this point? I’d bet my beat down asshole on Julianne Moore, J.K. Simmons and Patricia Arquette getting trophies. Can’t they just skip all the speeches and handing out of awards and instead air a documentary on the life of Dick Poop?
Here’s more pictures from tonight including some of Michael Keaton, Keira Knightley and Laura Jeanne Poon. I kind of want the Bobbies to fuck with Laura Jeanne Poon after one of the BAFTA after-parties, because I’m wondering what she’d yell at police if she couldn’t yell, “I’M AN AMERICAN CITIZEN ON AMERICAN SOIL!”