It would have been a nearly all-black fashion show at the BAFTAs in London last night, in honor of the Time’s Up movement. But the class average was brought down by Duchess Kate (who was prevented from wearing black by royal no-politics protocol), and Frances McDormand (who just didn’t feel like it and showed up in pink-on-black instead).
For mostly everyone else, it was a multitude of black. Or black with a random kick of not-black, like Allison Janney. And by random, I mean a satin choker bolero on top of a Bibhu Mohapatra dress. It looks like a shirt made from the bottom half of Roger the Alien from American Dad that was put on backwards and upside down.
The Oscar’s British cousin, the BAFTAs, were held last night in London. The BAFTAs decided to adopt this year’s unofficial dress code from the Golden Globes, which was to wear black in support of the Time’s Up movement. And just like the Golden Globes, some guests didn’t really do the all-black dress code. But the person who broke the code wasn’t an actress with a lone IMDB credit who was hoping to trend on Twitter.
We’ve been shitting up post after post from last night’s Adele Appreciation Ceremony (Featuring Adele Appreciating Beyonce), but another awards show happened yesterday. Two weeks before Hollywood gets dressed up in $15,000 gowns to lick each other’s taints and jack one another off at the Oscars, they got into $15,000 gowns to lick each other’s taints and jack one another off at the BAFTAs last night.
Any way to make a little extra cash, I guess. I’m joking, of course; as fas as I know, Kanye West hasn’t released a line of formal pantyhose refugee rags. I do, however, know that Rooney Mara’s Mad Max-meets-washing your dirty lace panties in the sink look from the BAFTAs last night is courtesy of Kanye’s best boo Riccardo Tisci and Givenchy, which actually makes a lot of sense.
I bet this dress started out as a sketch for a normal red carpet gown, but then Riccardo made the mistake of showing it to Kanye during one of their Friday night No Kims Allowed sleepovers in France. That’s when Kanye whipped out his favorite beige marker and book of funeral home curtain samples and turned it into the decomposing hobo bride couture you see above. And of course Rooney loved it, because she loves looking like a haunted vintage doll on prom night.
Rooney Mara wasn’t the only one who showed up to the British Oscars looking like a damp mess. Her Carol co-star Cate Blanchett, who usually gives ten tons of WTF excellence, showed up in some kind of tapestry on the top/goth Christmas Tree garland on the bottom thing. Although it does look like her tapestry is spreading down her body like an expensive rash, and Rich Lady Rash is a look I can get behind.
Here’s more fancy-dressed famous types from last night, including Kate Winslet looking like a chick whose goal is to bang Gordon Gekko and Kate Capshaw giving you “I cut my bangs in the limo on the ride over!” realness.
Dear producers of the Golden Globes, please have a kiss cam at next year’s ceremony, because you know those drunk wrecks would tongue fuck like there’s no tomorrow and it’d make that show a million times more entertaining. P.S. – Make sure Idris Elba and Alexander Skarsgard are seated next to each other and make sure the kiss cam lands on them as much as possible.
At the beginning of the BAFTAs last night, host Stephen Fry told the audience that a kiss cam was making the rounds and he tried to get the famous tricks in the audience to touch lips. Even Leonardo DiCatchAHo was a good sport about it and played along. He went against everything he believes in by kissing a woman who isn’t a 24-year-old blonde bikini model. But real-life couple Alicia Vikander and Michael Fassbender poo poo’d on the kiss cam and refused to suck face. The moment was apparently so awkward that it got cut for viewers. Boring hos!
Each reacted with various degrees of enthusiasm: some responded with a polite peck on the cheek, an actorly faux make-out, the full goods, or an (awkward) flat-out refusal.
First victims were the only real life couple Fry preyed upon; nominees Michael Fassbender and Alicia Vikander. Famously private in their relationship, the pair refused to kiss for their host and left the air hanging with discomfort. So awkward, in fact, that it was cut out of the BBC One broadcast of the show.
But seriously, I’m with Alicia Vikander. If I was her and was sitting next to Michael Assbender, I wouldn’t waste my time or mess up my lipstick for the dumb, stupid kiss cam. I’d save my energy for when the suck that dick cam landed on us.
Two things happened at the BAFTAs last night that made everyone present whisper “Well, I wasn’t expecting that to happen” to person sitting beside them. The first one was that Leonardo DiCaprio put his mouth on a woman 56 years older than his usual bone by date. The second one was that Rebel Wilson came out as a proud member of #OscarsWhoGivesAFuck.
Before she presented the award for Best Supporting Actor, Fat Amy pulled out a piece of paper and gave a sarcasm-dipped statement about how it’s so great to be here “at this very serious event” (the Coen Brothers just fell in love), adding that she’s never been invited to the Oscars, because “they are racist.” She also made a joke about “transgendered face” and getting the vapors for Idris Elba because she’s sociologically programmed to “want chocolate on Valentine’s Day.” I’m pretty sure that’s an Internet Outrage Bingo?
On a scale from Charlotte Rampling to Emma Thompson, I guess Rebel’s speech falls somewhere between…I’m not sure, really. I still don’t know what she was trying to say, but that’s my fault. I got distracted by that “diverse members” comment, and my brain hasn’t been able to focus anything but the mental image of a well-stocked dick buffet ever since.
Here’s more of Rebel wearing some kind of church choir director mullet dress at the BAFTAs last night.