For the rest of the year, I can’t say shit like, “Why won’t my God Bea Arthur answer my prayers?” Because my God has answered two of my prayers. New York Seltzer is making a comeback and video of Our Lady of Cheetos’ sister bringing a knife to a Pita Pit fight has graced the Internet.
On New Year’s Eve Day, a belated Christmas gift was given to us when TMZ reported that Jamie Lynn Spears broke up a brawl at a Pita Pit in Hammond, Louisiana by waving a long ass bread knife at everyone. The police were told that the brawl broke out after some trick busted a bottle on the head of Jamie Lynn’s friend. TMZ somehow got a hold of (read: traded the video for a stack of cash stuffed in a pita) surveillance camera footage of the wild hillbilly scuffle at the Pita Pit. It was reported that Jamie Lynn dragged her fallen friend behind the counter before threatening to cut whores up, but that’s not what happened. Jamie Lynn dragged her friend out of the fight before walking behind the counter to grab a knife.
The story is a lot more exciting than the actual video. It’s got nothing on the legendary Halloween brawl at the Denny’s in Oakland and it lacks the theater, drama and poetic dialogue that the “Bitch, Your Pancakes Look Fine To Me” fight brought. But I’ll still take it. My favorite part is at the very beginning when the Pita Pit dude notices that a hose beast brawl just broke out, kind of shrugs to himself and calmly walks over to the phone to call the police. There must be a lot of fighting going on at the Pita Pit.
The way Jamie Lynn (Side note: Every time I type the name “Jamie Lynn,” I want to scream it while ringing a dinner bell) casually grabs that knife and waves it at those messy bitches tells me that she’s done this before and does it often. She probably has to pull a steak knife on trick during Spears family dinners when Brit Brit and her other relatives start scrappin’ over the last bit of Velveeta grits and possum casserole.
Justin Bieber’s initiation process for the Wild Kidz Club is more involved than I thought, but I guess it takes a lot to impress President Bart Simpson, Vice President Dennis the Menace, and Treasurer Latarian Milton. Pretending to smoke Popeye candy cigarettes isn’t going to cut it; you gotta grow out a teen ‘stache, spray paint a swear, and egg a house before you’re allowed to roll with the big dawgz.
Since Justin Bieber is convinced he’s the real-life version of Angry Boys, it should come as no surprise that TMZ is reporting The Tantrum Toddler spent last night whipping eggs at his neighbor’s house:
TMZ spoke to the neighbor who says he heard something banging against his house in Calabasas around 7:30 PM Thursday, and when he stepped on to a 2nd floor balcony … he says he saw Justin down below hurling eggs at his front door.
According to the neighbor … Bieber started aiming for him once he stepped onto the balcony and yelled, “What the Hell are you doing?”
Justin and the neighbor — who’ve had previous run-ins — also got into a verbal dispute while JB allegedly continued tossing a few more eggs at the house … and then retreated back to his home.
The hardcore egg felony was also caught on tape; the video doesn’t show Justin Bieber actually egging the house, but it doesn’t matter – I think we can all imagine what Justin Bieber looks like when he’s egging a house (basically this, but with more giggling).
Slow claps to the homeowner comes out and starts calling Baby Bieber a bitch and a mother fucker so many times and with such passion, it’s like he’s singing the Dlisted National Anthem. And a gold star goes to his daughter, who made me legitimately laugh she called the police and said “I’d like to place an assault”. She’s not wrong. I’d also like to place an assault on Justin Bieber, but I’ll pass, because I don’t want a child abuse charge on my criminal record (although I get the feeling that a reasonable jury would never convict me of my crimes).
(Pics via TMZ)
I don’t know who’s winning this picture more: the dude all the way to the left in the orange plaid shirt who’s making an “Ooooooh, fetus is about to get whooped” face or Justin Bieber who looks like a scared first grader whose ball just rolled onto the older kids side of the playground.
Justin Bieber turned from the hardest member of the jungle gym gang known as the Wild Kidz into a scared-as-shit toddler this morning in Toronto when he was attacked at a club. TMZ says that the Beibs was partying in the
daycare section VIP section of the club, but he got bold and decided to hang out with the regulars. As soon as he left his section, some dude charged him, grabbed his shirt and tried to pull him down to the floor. Kinky. Because the Biebs would run off to his mommy if a fly flinched at him, his security took care of the guy. Security pulled the dude down to the floor and that’s when Justin got hard again and started kicking at the dude. Nothing is more badass than a toddler screaming “hold me back, bro” and kicking at a dude who’s being held down by his security guards.
After the Biebs showed that trick not to mess with him (and his team of huge ass bodyguards), he left the club right away, because all the scary excitement made him shit in his diaper pants and he needed to be changed. THUG LYFE!
Don’t let the 10:01 time clock fool you. It takes Shirley Manson only a couple of minutes (starting at the 0:34 mark) to lay into a dick bag for punching a woman behind him for reasons unknown. While performing “Stupid Girl” at the House of Blues in Atlantic City, Shirley pressed the pause button on that bitch to throw a few fuck words around while verbally slapping the lady-hitting shit wad. Shirley handled it so well that I almost didn’t notice that she’s wearing one of Tank Girl’s outfits. And I know what we’re all kind of thinking the same thing: CHRIS BROWN IS A GARBAGE FAN? What a world!