Justin Bieber Finished His Probation Time Out

Do you believe in magic? You do? Good. I’m going to let you in on something. What the ancients called “magic” is what we today call “science.” So let’s get in my time machine and go all the way back to a special time called 2014. (Flashing lights. Thunder. Bam.) And we’re here! This is the year that things started to get real ~cRaZy~ for the littlest ass wart, Justin Bieber. Look. That’s his neighbor’s house he egged to prove what a big boy he was becoming. Well, yolk – I mean joke was on him, because bitch got caught and was given probation, community service and a fine. But back to the present. His probation is up. Ugh.

Despite having trespassed on private property and vandalism, Justin, sadly, did not get the punishment he should’ve. He narrowly avoided becoming the lil’est bad boy of the prison yard and instead continued his reign of terror on the helpless public. TMZ reports that Justin’s lawyer, Shawn Holley, went to the court on June 9th to end Justin’s probation a month early because he’s apparently impressed the people at the Probation Department so much. He performed 40 hours of community service and paid the neighbor $80k in damages. The request to end his probation a month early was granted, and now he’s free.

Bieber also got really lucky. TMZ says that Bieber’s Cleveland ass-whooping happened only a few hours before Shawn Holley went to court. Holley got to court before the news broke, and therefore helped Justin dodge a potential parole violation.

TMZ repeatedly calls him a “free man” in the story and I take issue with that. Man? Man?! Does a man horrify the public with these? No. Does a man do this to his fans? No! Which brings me to the fact that the Probation Department was apparently impressed with how well behaved Canada’s biggest brat has been for the past two years. What? Just to name a few of his heinous actions in the past two years: subjecting a majestic tiger to his douchey presence, terrorizing Mexican ruins, and worst of fucking all, being rude to Bette Midler! Good behavior my fanny. He should be locked away for at least a lifetime just for the Bette Midler snub.

Pic: Splash

Justin Bieber Finally Shaved Off His Repulsive Rat ‘Stache

Justin Bieber, the creature you’d get if scientists cross-polinated Kevin McCallister with his asshole older brother Buzz, decided he was done looking like the dirtiest dirtbag in the 7th grade and finally shaved off those disgusting 15 or so hairs that were living on his upper lip. Thank you, Justin Bieber! I no longer have to worry about opening up the internet and seeing pictures of that awful stomach-churning sun-bleached facial hair, which means I can finally stop working with a barf bag beside my computer. #blessed

Justin proved he’s the baddest ass on the playground by Instagramming a video of himself getting to use daddy’s shave cream and a totally-real grown-up razor (not the pretend one that came in his Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles play shave kit) to prove that, yeah, he’s a big boy who shaves his face now. “And guess what? Scooter Braun promised me that later this afternoon he’ll take me to Walgreens and I can pick out a deodorant. U jealous??”

I know Justin and his Joe Dirt Jr. facial hair had a special bond and all, but it really was time to let it go, especially since it doesn’t really fit in with Justin’s new high-class club manager lifestyle. Radar says Justin just rented a home in Los Angeles, but he doesn’t plan on ever moving in his Little Tikes sports car bed or any of his Transformers; he’s using it to get drunk and throw parties. The $29,000/month home has 10 bedrooms, pool, spa, gym, and a night club. The owner of the home tried to sell it, but when nobody bought it, they started renting it out for shows like American Idol and Playboy TV’s Swing (so you know it’s classy as shit).

Anyways, here’s a post-shave Justin Bieber looking like he’s auditioning for the role of Dani Campbell in a Lifetime biopic about Tila Tequila.

Pics: Instagram

Cops Have Advised Justin Bieber’s Neighbors To Put Him Under Citizen’s Arrest The Next Time He Throws A Party

This weekend, Justin Bieber threw a 2-day toddler rager at his condo in Beverly Hills in which the police were called six times for noise complaints and general assholery. Unfortunately for the poor souls who have to share a building with Canada’s constantly itchy butthole, there’s nothing the cops can do to prevent Justin from throwing more loud parties for his asshole friends, since he always turns down the music when they ask him to (sounds like someone was paying attention during the Backyardigans episode on manners).

But according to TMZ, his neighbors are right pissed, because it’s not just the noise; he’s turning their condo building into the island for obnoxious pre-teen shitheads from Pinocchio. TMZ obtained pictures showing the mess he left on the condo’s rooftop lounge, and residents have told them the elevators and hallways reeked of pot all weekend, adding that “There were bimbos lining up to do drugs in the lobby bathroom.” (I literally just pictured Kelly Bundy and her friends).

Despite photographic proof and numerous witnesses that claim Justin Bieber is a pint-sized nuisance, the cops claim they can’t arrest someone for a misdemeanour if they don’t see it happen. But they also claim that it is well within their legal rights to take matters into their own hands, since he’s currently on probation. The police have advised Justin’s condo neighbors that if they witness the human version of Babs Seed the Pony doing hoodrat shit in the building, they can put him under citizen’s arrest. Did you hear that? The police literally just gave Justin’s neighbors permission to ground him. The shade, the shade of it all.

And as much as I want to see a 60-year-old woman tackle Justin Bieber to the ground for smoking a joint in the vestibule, is that picture of the rooftop seriously the “mess” he left? Yikes. You know you throw a lame-ass party when you’re able to make Aaron Carter look like Studio 54 fucked Caligula.

Here’s more evidence of Justin Bieber’s shitty Kirk Cameron-level party, as well as Justin going to Whole Fools (thanks, autocorrect!) looking like an advertisement for Baby Skidz.

Pics: TMZ, Splash

Justin Bieber Finally Settles With The D.A. For Egging His Neighbor’s House By Taking A Plea Deal

TMZ says that once again, Justin Bieber has avoided being crowned the cutest lil’ cupcake in juvie because he’s plead no contest to egging his neighbor’s house back in January. The L.A. County District Attorney took 5 months trying to decide if egging your neighbor’s house like a punk bitch baby is a misdemeanour or a felony, and they settled on charging him with “misdemeanour vandalism”.

Sources say that the only bars Justin will be behind are the ones in his crib, because this afternoon his lawyers are sweeping all the eggshells under the rug by taking a plea deal. So instead of real-life Scared Straight, that constipated brat will be on probation for a year, be forced to do some bullshit community service, and pay $20,000 to his old neighbor to repair the egg damage done to his house. Basically the TL:DR of that plea deal is that Justin will be punished with nothing, nothing, and nothing.

I thought that getting caught on tape trespassing on your neighbor’s property and covering their house with breakfast foods while acting like a total piece of human garbage would be the kind of thing you do a bit of time for, but I guess Lady Justice just does not give a fuck. Bitch probably pawned her sword and a scale for an 8-ball and a bottle of vodka. Every day is like 2-for-1 Margarita Hour at Baja Sharkeez for Lady Justice now. I’m sure you can find her every night at the club wearing her blindfold as a tube-top and working under the name Lady Just-A$$. “I sentence you to a good time! WOOO! I don’t gotta work tomorrow, pour shots in my mouth!”

Justin Bieber’s Mom Raised A Good Man, Says Justin Bieber

There’s at least three words being used incorrectly in that sentence. First, Pattie Mallette isn’t a mother, she’s a lottery winner (“We meet every other Wednesday!” – Pimp Mama Kris). Second, good isn’t often used to describe things which are shitty and awful. Thirdly, only in the Jewish faith do boys become men at 13, and to the best of my knowledge, Justin Bieber is at least 5 years away from his 13th birthday.

But let’s give him the benefit of the doubt, because the vocabulary of a child his age is limited to about 1,000 words, and he’s used almost all of them in a series to Tweets meant to dispel all the ugly stories from this week that make him out to be a spoiled, soggy arrowroot biscuit shit. Like the one about throwing an epic tantrum at a mini-golf course and being investigated for attempted robbery. Or the one about him hissing “bitch” at a woman during his shirtless horsie ride on Monday because she tried to take his picture, which isn’t as much a story, per se, as it is a video from TMZ that shows him calling a woman a bitch. But according to Justin, they’re all just awful rumors!

My mom raised me to be kind to others. I get judged, harassed, and I try to take the high road. Sometimes it isn't easy. But we keep trying

— Justin Bieber (@justinbieber) May 15, 2014

I will continue to be the man my mother raised. I love people and I will try to be kind even when things are not fair. Don't believe rumors

— Justin Bieber (@justinbieber) May 15, 2014

I wonder if any of this will be covered in Pattie Mallette’s next book, Raising a Man Like My Son (Chapter 4: Calling Women Bitches and Taking Responsibility For Nothing).

Here’s Vanilla Ice Cream Cone in New York City wearing a hat that looks like it wants nothing to do with him (“Hey wind? Do me a solid and blow me off this asshole’s head”). I still don’t understand why he keeps buying such huge hats; does he not realize that most men’s styles also come in children’s sizes?

Pics: Splash

Justin Bieber Is Being Investigated For Attempted Robbery After A Fight At A Mini-Golf Course

When most parents send their kids off to play with their friends, they’ll remind them to behave, say please and thank-you, mind their manners, don’t fight, be nice, and be good kids. Unfortunately, Pattie Mallette was too busy trying to launch a singing career and dry humping a dirty pile of cash to remind her precious little payday to be on his best behavior Tuesday night, because TMZ says that the LAPD is investigating Justin Bieber for alleged attempted robbery.

It all went down at a mini-golf course in the San Fernando Valley (of course it did) when a woman spotted a living My Scene doll getting into a fight with some men at the batting cages. Realizing the doll was actually Justin Bieber, she took her camera out of her purse to take a picture. Justin Bieber then spotted the woman reaching for her phone, and demanded she hand it over to him so he could delete any pictures she might have taken. She refused to hand her phone over to Vanilla Ice Cream, so he reached into her purse to take it. Then the two started wrestling for the phone, and because toddlers have a notoriously strong grip, Bieber got the phone from her, but he couldn’t see the pictures because the phone was locked. He demanded she unlock it, to which she agreed (sometimes it’s best not to fight with a child in the middle of a tantrum) and proved that she hadn’t taken a single picture of him. Then, like a truly frustrated toddler, he screamed at the woman:

“You’re humiliating yourself in front of your daughter.  Why don’t you just get out of here.” 

Which made the woman’s daughter start crying. The woman then called the LAPD (there’s a Little Assholes Protection Department?) to complain, and now they’re investigating to see if a crime was committed.

Now, I’m no lawyer, but is it really necessary to bring the police into this? I mean, he’s just a bratty little boy. He had too much soda and candy and got too excited playing mini-golf, and it was way past his bedtime, and the big kids wouldn’t let him play in the batting cages, so he started crying, and then he saw a lady he thought was his Mommy, but he got embarrassed when he realized it wasn’t her, so he threw a tantrum. Attempted robbery? He was probably just searching her purse for a binky.