Category: Baby Wipes

Justin Bieber Is Butch

October 20, 2013 / Posted by:

Another day, another desperate attempt by Justin Bieber to try to butch up his image and convince us all that he’s not a lipstick lesbian.  Lipgloss always, lipstick NEVAH!  Unless it’s Wet’N’Wild frosted cotton candy pink, guuuurl.  So the Daily Mail reports that the bad ass (or really, just ass) went to a strip club where he apparently touched a stripper’s nalgas.  Putting hands on bare real lady flesh!! They grow up so fast.

He was hanging with his entourage at Club V Live in Houston with topless strippers, and no way were the other girls going to show him up, so of course he got topless too.  Everybody got their titties out!  Sounds like a typical Thanksgiving dinner at my house.  And like my house, turkey has by far the best looking breast to offer.

It looks like it was a wild staying up past bedtime night.  TMZ has exclusive pics of Biebs with a Dos Equis in hand at Nox Houston earlier in the evening but since it’s illegal for toddlers 19 year olds to drink, I’m sure he was just holding it for his bodyguard.  So Texas will arrest Willie Nelson for smoking the good shit but is okay with kids getting their drank on??  Heinous.  Anyway, they moved the party to the strip club where Justin pretended to be liquored up off of one beer and started groping half naked booty.

The stripper tweeted ‘He touched my ass I almost fainted [sic],’ @DiamondsR4ever. The truth is she almost fainted from shock when Pedobear and the feds didn’t come cart her ass to jail for letting little boys bad touch her.  Or maybe the fumes off of Justin’s whole-bottle-of-Dippity-Do head made her woozy.

With a handful of hiney (“I’m never washing this hand again!” – Justin “Um, seriously, here’s some Purell” – the stripper) and a fresh Shirley Temple, Justin partied into the night, throwing dollah dollah bills y’all at the ladies and there are a few grainy ass pictures below.  WE GET IT BIEBS, you’re all growed up and you only wear diapers now because it’s cool and not because you can’t make a pee pee in the potty yet.

In the last year or so, he’s gone from being Walt Disney‘s wettest dream to partying with strippers, pissing in mop buckets, spitting on fans, and most douchetastic of all having his bodyguards carry him onto the Great Wall of China without even using his Baby Bjorn.  In other words, he’s grown from a snotty entitled little brat to a snotty entitled little man.  Now I get why Toby Sheldon totally wants to be him.

Pics via Daily Mail

Terrence Howard Is At It Again

August 5, 2013 / Posted by:

Terrence and his on-and-off-again wife Michelle Howard are once again brawling like it’s 2011. Two years ago, Terrence and Michelle were in the middle of a messy divorce battle and threw all kinds of accusations at each other. Michelle said that Terrence turned into a baby wipes-loving Ike Turner a week into their marriage and regularly whooped her ass and once chipped her toof and threatened to kill her in a parking lot. Terrence said that he’s as pleasant as the scent he inhales from a freshly wiped anus and that Michelle was just spitting out lies to get more money out of him. They continued to fight like that for a while before deciding to get back together. In a development that is surprising to absolutely no one, Terrence and Michelle are fighting again.

TMZ says that during a family trip to Costa Rica last week, Terrence and Michelle got into an argument that turned into a scene straight out of The Burning Bed. Michelle claims that Terrence beat her up. Terrence claims that Michelle maced his adult daughter and another one of his family members. Terrence denies beating Michelle up and Michelle denies macing anyone. The police showed up, but nobody was arrested. Michelle is planning to get a restraining order against Terrence.

Here we go again…

Michelle Howard needs to take a sloppy shit, use a piece of Charmin to wipe her ass and throw it at Terrence Howard’s face before sashaying out of his life forever. Then Jesus needs to show us he’s real by dropping the largest baby wipe ever on Terrence Howard.

And if you’re like me, then every time you read a story involving mace, you have to go and watch that legendary video of a not-the-one trans beauty macing a shitty mom and her trash-talking kid. If we ever hang out together and I start laughing for no reason, just know that it’s probably because I’m thinking of a subway warrior in a sparkly pink dressing saying, “It’s my birthday, don’t fuck with me,” after macing up that entire car.

Put It Away

December 27, 2011 / Posted by:

Lady Gaga (the “lady” part is up for discussion) was spotted out in Paris shopping sans Underoos once again says Hollywood Rag. Bitch, put some pants on. That being said, I’m glad she’s helping the local economy and hopefully buying some stuff to cover that shit up while she’s at it. Come to think of it though, maybe she had lots of panties and they all put on their Nikes and drank the Kool-Aid to willingly go to the next level. I can’t say I blame them.

You know, I’m not a prude (more of a total ho really) but I have to say I’ll be glad when this no pants / leggings count as pants phase of our fashion history is over. My mama was always like “make sure you have clean underwear on!” meaning UNDER my clothes, so I just can’t with this trend. Why is it always the people you don’t want to see doing that shit that are doing that shit?? Charlize, baby, you are welcome to support the no pants phenomenon at your leisure. I’ll wait. People of WalMart, please sit the fuck down.

On another note, MTV.com says she and Justin Beiber are the front-runners for charitable celebs this year. So maybe she just donated all her lingerie to the needy? Gaga is a giver like that. Don’t mind that the crotchless panties all started out with crotches. They did not melt away or off themselves, she cut them out. Just believe that and don’t think about it too much.

ETA I have no idea how this ended up under Crumbs. I blame Al Gore as the inventor of the internetz. #notmyfault

Maria Files For The Big D, Is Not The Only One Bitch-Boom-Bye’d

July 1, 2011 / Posted by:

SO. Even Miss Cleo saw this coming. TMZ reports that Maria Shriver has officially filed for divorce papers against AHNOLT. Details are that Maria is citing irreconcilable differences (pretty nice of her, I think), there is no pre-nup, and she wants custody of the two minor children they have together, 17 year old Patrick Arnold Shriver Shwarzenneger and 13 year old Christopher Sargent Shriver Shwarzenneger. No word yet on who gets custody of Arnold Shwarzenneger‘s leventy-billion other children.

Ahnolt will not be back this time. You go Maria, get that 50 percent from that last 13 years. I hope the state of California paid Arnold first with their broke ass.

In totally unrelated yet so related quit-this-bitch news, it’s been quite a ride. I wanna say how grateful I am that so many of you piled into my 1995 Ford Escort while Michael K‘s Bentley was parked at Times Square (okay they totally took the subway but work with me people). Whether my posts made you giggle or groan longingly for MK, I’m proud to have been given this opportunity to help out the hardest working ho on the blog stroll in his hour of need. Michael, it was such an honor to walk a mile in your stilettos and be the tofurkey to your delicious surf and turf, you brilliant slut. *bows deeply*

That being said, THANK GOD MK IS BACK and I can go back to busting celeb balls (without a condom, as is the custom in HoWood) in the relative anonymity of the threads!!! Watch for my upcoming book “In Love With A Gay Man: The Life And Times Of Sweetas”. Till then, I’ll see you all in the comments section.

Much love (you know where), Sweetas

Til Dirty Vagina Do Us Part

May 20, 2010 / Posted by:

Kiss a baby wipe and kick a roll of toilet paper, because Terrence Howard got married! Yes, there is a real woman out there whose vagina is squeaky clean enough for Terrence to marry! Trust me, I’m sure Terrence thoroughly tested the woman to make sure she doesn’t have an untidy vagina that will keep his fragile nostrils twitching in the middle of the night. If her pussy doesn’t whistle and squeak when she queefs, Terrence would never put a ring on it.

UsWeekly brings the news that Terrence made Michelle Ghent-Howard his second wife. Terry and Michelle quietly got married a few months ago. While promoting the Winnie Mandela biopic in Cannes (Terry plays Nelson), Terry said to Anderson Cooper during an interview, “To come here and be with my wife, it’s the best feeling in the world.

Let’s hope Terrence is generous enough to share the pictures of his beautiful wedding with us. I’m sure the bride wore a gown made of baby wipes and carried a bouquet of hypoallergenic tampons. Terrence was going to wear a bow tie and cummerbund made out of douche bottles, but he thought that was a bit redundant seeing as though he’s already a douchebag. And instead of declaring “You may now kiss the bride,” the preacher said, “You may now sniff the bride’s cooch to make sure she smells as fresh as a newborn baby’s asshole.” Just beautiful.

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