Rachel Bilson And Hayden Christensen Just Had A Baby, And Apparently They Are Huge Sleeping Beauty Fans
Since I’m a Canadian person, I’m sure some of you are expecting me to say something snarky about that Maples Leafs hat on Hayden Christensen’s head. But to be completely honest, I don’t much care for hockey. I know, I should have my citizenship revoked.
Us Weekly says that Rachel Bilson (aka Summer from The O.C.) and her boyfriend Hayden Christensen (aka NOT SETH) are now the parents of a baby girl. Cue “The Circle of Life” from The Lion King! And while neither Rachel nor Hayden have confirmed the news themselves, multiple sources claim that their new baby’s name is Briar Rose. “NOOOOOOOOOOOO” screamed Blake Lively, as she crosses the top name off her Disney Princess baby name list.
In case booze has killed your last remaining brain cell containing the memories of your childhood, or you’ve just plain forgot, Briar Rose is the alias used by that narcoleptic trick Princess Aurora when she goes to live in the woods with those hot Golden Girls fairies in Sleeping Beauty. I want to like that name, but believe it or not, I’ve known two Briars, and they were both stuck-up bitches. But I’m sure it’s just a coincidence, and Baby Briar Rose Bilson-Christensen will grow up to be cool and not a jerk who makes fun of my last-season L.A. Gears.
Or maybe Hayden wanted to pay tribute to his Canadian roots by naming his baby after what is arguably the most Canadian thing in existence, the Tim Horton’s Brier! Hayden – it’s not too late! You can still change that baby’s middle name to Céline!
Somewhere in a solid gold diamond-encrusted Illuminati pyramid playhouse on a private island you’ve never heard of, Blue Ivy Carter has started practicing her “Bitch, NO” face to be used in the future for when she forms a platinum-selling super group in her garage with Kelly Rowland’s new baby and Michelle Williams (“Michelle, here’s $50; go sing backup for my kid” – Beyonce), and Kelly’s baby has the audacity to claim they’re the second lead vocalist.
People says that on Tuesday afternoon, Kelly Rowland gave birth to the Destiny’s Child growing in her fetus hatch, and now she and her husband/manager Tim Witherspoon are the parents of a baby boy named Titan Jewell. Kelly told People back in July that her husband had picked out the name for their baby and that it had something to do with family, so I’m guessing Tim’s dad is either the alien mayor of one of Saturn’s moons or the dude who released the Kraken. And Jewell is a great middle name, because babies are expensive as hell and should be named after the expensive stuff you’ll no longer be able to afford once you give birth to one.
And you should probably go ahead and prepare for a Stage-10 internet meltdown now, because it will be only a matter of seconds until that shady bitch Beyonce bumps the release of that second surprise album she was working on from next week to today in an attempt to yank the spotlight away from Kelly. First rule of Beyonce: nobody outshines Beyonce!
I know that a picture of Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis sitting behind a Burger King sign at a basketball game has nothing to do with Baby Wyatt and her non-existent nannies, but I just figured it’s Hump Day, and who wouldn’t want to celebrate by thinking about delicious flame-broiled Whoppers? Yarm.
Ashton was on Conan O’Brien Tuesday night, and after throwing some Charles Schulz-y shade at Charlie Sheen, he decided to talk about his new baby Ashton confessed that even though he’s an insanely rich famous dude who is rich enough to hire someone to get elbow-deep in baby caca and projectile milk-barfed on at 3am, he hasn’t hired a nanny for Baby Wyatt. Why? Because he’s an insanely rich famous dude.
“We’re really privileged that we have time and can afford to take time. So we don’t have a nanny or a night nurse of any of the stuff. It’s just the two of us.”
Ashton and Mila are lucky, because they never have to worry about being too exhausted to take care of the baby. All they have to do is throw on an episode of That 70s Show and a pair of those glasses that make you look like you’re awake, and Baby Wyatt won’t even notice the difference. Sure, she might get confused later in life when people refer to her parents as “Mila and Ashton” instead of “Jackie and Kelso”, but that’s nothing a little therapy can’t fix. And for those of you wondering how they got the name “Wyatt”, Ashton explains:
“We were going to a Lakers game and I got name Tourette’s and I just started listing off anything and everything that I saw: ‘Sign! Truck! Wall! Door!’ She [was] like, ‘Shut up!’ Then I was like, ‘I’ve got a really dumb idea. What about Wyatt?’ She goes, ‘That’s it.’”
I’m sorry, but how do you go from names like sign, truck, wall, door to Wyatt? Maybe Ashton pulled up to an intersection and saw a dude dressed like a cellphone spinning a sign that said “ASK ME WHY AT&T WANTS YOU TO SWITCH TODAY!“. Wyatt works, but did he ever consider Cellphondrea (pronounce cell-PHON-drea, obviously)? Come on, Cellphondria is a hot name!
When Eva Mendes popped out the kid she made with hunky Canadian goose Ryan Gosling, I waited in anticipation for what they would name it. Ryan has the hand-carved artisanal heart of a cabin-dwelling hipster and I was fully expecting something like Dusty Window or Moonshine Mason-Jar or Fable Braid. Unfortunately, it sounds like Ryan took a shirtless hottie nap while Eva named the baby, because their baby’s name sounds nothing like something you’d hear shouted at an organic farmer’s market in Park Slope (“Finnegan Shadows, please stop touching the free-range kale.”)
According to a birth certificate obtained by TMZ, Ryan and Eva named their baby Esmeralda Amada. Eva played a character named Amada in We Own The Night, but that’s literally the only explanation for that name. Eva and Ryan are all about the Shhhh, so who knows if they chose family names or are just big fans of Disney’s The Hunchback of Notre Dame. Regardless I love it because:
1. Amada sounds like Ramada, which as we all know is the classiest of budget hotels (actually, Ramada would be a totally hot name)
2. Esmeralda can easily turn into Mesmerize for when she goes through that inevitable sassy middle schooler phase
3. Esmeralda Mendes-Gosling sounds like the owner of a very successful high-end modeling agency from an 80s daytime soap opera set in New Mexico (Hot Sun, Hot Bodies)
But as much as I like the name Esmeralda Amada, I really wish they’d gone with something like Esmeralda Grace or Esmeralda Guadalupe, because it would have given me eternal life if Ryan Gosling’s baby’s initials had been EGG.
I bet the hospital doesn’t even require fathers to wear the mask; they just gave it to him to limit the number of toxic douche germs that exit his mouth when he talks. It is a hospital, after all. Gotta keep that shit clean.
UsWeekly says it’s time for us to pop a bottle of champagne and flash our tits for some celebratory beads, because the human drug-resistant UTI that is Joe Francis is now somebody’s daddy, and not in the gross “Who’s your daddy?” way. Joe’s bobo Amy Smart-looking girlfriend and former Girl Gone Wild Abbey Wilson gave birth to the couple’s daughters on Tuesday in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico. Joe and Abbey announced the birth of their daughters by releasing a DVD called GIRLS GONE WILD PRESENTS: TWO GIRLS DESTROYING ONE FORMER GIRLS GONE WILD GIRL’S VAGINA. No! They didn’t do that (I don’t think Joe is legally allowed to use the GGW name anymore). They announced it on Instagram.
Joe and Abbey’s new babies – or as Joe calls them “See? I’m not a predatory douchebag, I have two daughters!” – are named Alexandria Claire and Athena Olivia Francis. Which is so bizarre to me, because I was so sure they’d go with something a little more Girls Gone Wild-y, like Nikki and Tiffani. Regardless of what they names their babies, Joe’s partner-in-satan Pimp Mama Kris will no doubt change them to something more on-brand like Klaire and Kathena when she swoops in like a and starts pimping them out. It’s only a matter of time – Kendall and The Other One are getting old. PMK needs fresh meat. Watch out, Baby Alexandria and Baby Athena! If a half-melted piece of orange silly putty approaches you with a man in red pajamas with a pitchfork asking if you wanna be famous, YOU SAY NO!
And that is the traumatized look from a newborn baby who has just learned that her name is BUNNY.
Before Katie Price gave birth to the baby she made with her cheating skank of a third husband Kieran Hayler, she said that she planned to name her second daughter “Electra” after her idol Carmen Electra. Electra Hayler sounds like the name of a low-budget superhero that The Weather Channel created to be their new mascot. Electra Hayler is kind of a badass name, so of course Katie didn’t name her that. Because Katie is a pink-loving, Disney-obsessed 8 -year-old rich girl trapped in the body of an exquisite Real Doll (I think I just described Holly Madison too), she named her second daughter Bunny. I bet Bunny wishes she could hop her ass to the nearest courthouse to change her name. It could’ve been a lot worse. Katie tells Ok! Magazine that she wanted to name Harvey Price’s new sister Duchess Kate, because her first daughter’s name is Princess.
“We really struggled to decide on a name. I wanted to call her Duchess Kate or just Duchess, but Kieran didn’t like that, so we’ve chosen Bunny, which we both like. It’s really cute, isn’t it? I considered it being spelt Bunni with a heart above the i, but I don’t think that’s really a part of the English language. I love Duchess Kate, though, so I’ve told Kieran that if we have another daughter that will be her name! I think it goes well with Princess. She would have been Duchess Kate of Brighton.”
Princess and Bunny. Katie realizes she’s naming humans and not white teacup Bichons, right? Katie says that they also tossed around the names Disney, Lady, Precious, Bambi and Peggy. THE FUCK? Somebody stop Katie Price before she gives birth to a third daughter and names the poor child Rapunzella Tiara (Actually, that’s kind of a hot name).
But seriously, I sort of kind of like the name Bunny, because it sounds like the name of an Upper East Side socialite who eats a bowl of Xanax for breakfast, brushes her teeth with champagne, sleeps in a Chanel suit and is the inspiration for nearly every character that Christine Baranski has ever played. Bunny is also a good name, because it’s the name of gold-digging trophy wife icon Bunny Lebowski!
So if somebody ever gives Bunny Hayler a look that says “I’m so sorry” after she tells them her name is Bunny Hayler, she should turn that look of pity into a look of jealousy by saying, “I was named after Bunny Lebowski, bitch.“
Us Weekly says that Alyssa Milano, star of Who’s The Boss?, Charmed, and one of the greatest made-for-TV movies ever made, Casualties of Love: The Long Island Lolita Story, has given birth to her second child. A rep for Alyssa Milano (every time I write that I get a craving for a delicious Pepperidge Farms sandwich cookie) confirmed that earlier today she pushed out a little girl that her and her husband David Bugliari have named Elizabella Dylan Bugliari. They already have a 3-year-old son named Milo Thomas.
Alyssa Mint Milano Cookies named her first kid something pretty normal and safe, so I’m glad she went a little more dramatic with the second one. “Elizabella Bugliari” sounds like an Italian supermodel-turned-professional ruthless gold digger from a 1980′s Primetime TV drama about high-stakes finance. I love it! Elizabella is barely an hour old and already I’m terrified of her; she sounds so glamorous and calculating. I bet she came out of her Alyssa Milano’s uterus wearing patent leather pumps. You can’t trust Elizabella Bugliari – she’ll steal your goldfish crackers AND your man!
“Elizabella Bugliari” also sounds like the name Samantha Micelli would pick for her fake ID. I can just picture Tony confronting her in the kitchen after finding the fake ID in the pocket of her Jordache jeans. “Come on Suh-man-thuh, I thought I raised you bettuh than this!“
“Hmmm, I really want to give my baby a name that sounds like the name of a scented body glitter marketed exclusively to aspiring strippers and was later pulled off of the shelves after the 2 people who bought it for 50 cents at a T.J. Maxx got a serious rash after using it” is what Xtina said to herself while thinking up names for her first daughter.
Last night, Xtina tweeted the name of her second kid and she didn’t disappoint. Xtina gave her first kid the boring ass, generic name Max, so I was really hoping she’d give her daughter a name that makes everyone say, “Did you name her after the scent of Febreze you were huffing while brainstorming baby names?” Xtina and Matt Rutler gave their kid (ha, I’m acting like he had a say!) the first name “Summer,” which isn’t weird at all. We’ve all known a Summer and every Summer I knew in school said “kewl beanz” way too much, only wore scoop neck t-shirts and brought her lunch in a small Victoria’s Secret shopping bag. The name “Summer” is normal, but throw in “Rain” after it and it suddenly becomes a work of elegance:
SUMMER RAIN! That’s one way for Xtina to out herself as a fan of the Phoenix kids.
The beauty of “Summer Rain” is that it sounds like so many things. It sounds like the name of a discount vagina spray that The Dollar Tree produced itself to compete with Summer’s Eve. It sounds like the name of a third-rate young adult romance novel that was written by Nicholas Sparks’ gardener and was turned into a movie starring Zendaya Coleman and one of the Sprouse twins. It sounds like the name of a Whitesnake rock ballad from the 80s that a Tampa, FL stripper named herself after. It’s perfect!
And “Summer Rain Rutler” sounds like something Scooby-Doo would say on an August day after he left his doghouse without an umbrella and a raindrop fell on his nose. “Summer rain, ruh roh!”
Lil Kim really set the fucked-up celebrity baby names of 2014 bar high when she named her kid Royal Reign, but Omarion kicked the bar down and set it higher than Lolo Jones’ seat at the Beyonce-Jay-Z show. Omarion (that’s “that one kid from B2K” for those of you who remember B2K and “Never heard of him” to those of you don’t remember B2K) is now somebody’s father and he already proved that he should definitely be in charge of another human being by giving his son a name that “THE FUCK?” coughed up. Omarion (born name: Omari Ishmael Grandberry) and his girlfriend, singer type Apryl Jones, are now parents to a little baby boy and yesterday he introduced his kid on Instagram and also let us know that he’s a major contender in the fucked-up celebrity baby name game.
World. Allow me to introduce. MEGAA OMARI GRANDBERRY. He is 7 pounds. 4oz & 20 inches long. My son I’ve been waiting on you. God is the realist!! I witnessed a miracle. My soul mate @aprylsjones is so strong! Not only did she have a un medicated birth (no drugs) she did it at home. Naturally. Just like my mom had me. I love you. thank you for having my legacy. I’ll forever belong to you & you will forever be tied to me. Creating a child takes no love or skill but being a parent requires lots of both. Thanks for watching me grow. #MEGAAhome #OmarionsonMEGAA #donthateonmysonsnameillkillya #Nolol #royalObloodline #blasain #mysongotgoodhair #freshpitthewombhandsom alright. I love y’all
Apryl might’ve had an all-natural, drug-free birth, but I have a feeling that she and Omorion (typo and it ain’t moving) dropped acid before writing their baby’s name on the birth certificate. I mean:
MEGAA OMARI GRANDBERRY????? MEGAA with two As.
Here are 4 things that should be named Megaa Omari Grandberry:
1. A berry in the Pokemon universe that restores 30 HP, but will also give your Pokemon a serious case of the sugar shakes and a migraine. Your Pokemon may or may not combust after eating this berry.
2. A canned protein shake that Whole Foods sells for $19.99 and is later pulled off of the shelves after the FDA finds out that it contains a chemical that causes heart palpitations and diarrhea.
3. A Harry Potter spell that turns regular water into Vitamin Water.
4. A cereal from the 80s that your parents thought was healthy but later found out that each serving has 30 grams of sugar in it. MegaMan was the face of that cereal.
And here is 1 thing that shouldn’t be named Megaa Omari Grandberry:
1. A human baby who will one day realize that his parents named him Megaa Omari Grandberry.
Even though Kelsey Grammer is technically old enough to start picking out lanais to which to retire to with a cold glass of unsweetened sun tea and scratching his balls all day, he’s once again putting it on hold for finding soggy Cheerios mashed into the carpet and making plastic poo sausages in the Diaper Genie. Kelsey confirmed to ET that his 34-year-old wife Kayte gave birth to his sixth child on Tuesday, a little boy they’ve named Kelsey Gabriel Elias Grammer, adding:
“Our son will be called Gabriel as there is a tradition in our family of going by our middle names. We are blessed and excited to have this lovely young man join our family — he is magnificent!”
Hands up if you read the words “he is magnificent” in the smooth baritone voice of Sideshow Bob.
Even though Kelsey has six kids, he’s really only an honorary member of the K-Fed Club. Kelsey didn’t just start popping off pepaw nuts in the past couple of years à la Kevin Federline: Kelsey also has a 2-year-old daughter with Kayte, two children with elegant Beverly Hills freesia blossom Camille Grammer, as well as two adult daughters from two previous relationships.
Congrats to virile pepaw Kelsey Grammer, congrats to his wife Kayte, and congrats to lucky baby Gabriel, who gets to hear Goodnight Moon read to him every night by the relaxing, hypnotic voice of Dr. Frasier Crane.