Over the weekend, Halle Berry birthed out the adorable ball of human that she’ll eventually use as a pawn in a messy custody battle when her relationship with Olivier Martinez crumbles into a million pieces because they’re both crazy bitches. They kept their mouths shut about details. They didn’t burp out their son’s name and they didn’t say whether or not Halle tore Olivier’s throat out since crazy bitches + labor usually equals somebody getting viciously murdered. But TMZ claims they know the kid’s name.
Halle and Olivier only had one job to do. All they had to do was name their kid Simba and we’d all be happy. But since they both have to ruin everything, they didn’t name him Simba. They supposedly named him Maceo Robert Martinez. Maceo means “gift of God” in Spanish and in a couple years when Halle and Olivier are throwing dishes at each other during dinner, he’ll think to himself, “Um, did this God person give you crazies a gift receipt?”
I thought Maceo was pronounced MACE-EH-OH, which would’ve been sort of fitting since Halle will probably mace Olivier a few times before they break up. But my mom says it’s pronounced MAH-SAY-OH. It’s a cute name, but I’m sure Maceo will one day be pissed that they didn’t name him Simba.
Here’s Olivier, looking not as zombie-ish, and Nahla at the pumpkin patch today.
After being knocked up for what felt like 9 years, Stacy Ferguson from Kids Incorporated checked into a hospital in L.A. this morning and gave birth to a baby. A spokeswhore for Fergie and Josh Duhamel tell People that she had a son via C-section this morning. Their newborn son is only five seconds old, but I bet he’s already mastered the art of eye rolling since I’m sure some doctor made a “lady lumps” joke in the delivery room.
Fergie and Josh’s son weighed in at 7lbs and 10 oz. No, they didn’t pay tribute to meth by naming him Walter White Duhamel. They named him Axl Jack Duhamel instead.
Axl Jack isn’t the worst name. Yes, he’ll never stop hearing “Sweet Child ‘O Mine” jokes and Axl Jack sounds like something straight out of a frat boy nickname generator, but it could’ve been worse. There are worse things that Axl Jack will have to deal with besides his name like listening to Black Eyed Peas songs all the time and having will.i.cant for an uncle.
A baby joined the Luckiest Humans In The World Club last Wednesday when he was pulled out of Katie Price’s body and can now call England’s most prized national treasure Harvey Price his brother and can call this delicate flower his mother. The Sun (via HuffPo) says that Katie Price gave birth to her fourth kid, and her first kid with her stripper husband Kieran Hayler, in some foreign land last week.
Katie and Kieran’s son was born 8 weeks early and he weighed in at only 5lbs 2oz. Katie tells The Sun that the experience of giving birth to him was extra traumatic since she was on holiday with her family in Europe somewhere and developed a life-threatening infection (no comment, too easy). Katie was taken to the hospital and told that they had to deliver her son early via C-Section. Kieran wasn’t allowed in the delivery room with Katie and the nurses and doctors barely spoke English. I don’t see a problem with the last part since Katie barely speaks English herself. Katie said this to The Sun about the whole traumatic experience:
“I went through a nightmare. The baby’s heart rate was also really low. The next thing I know, a nurse is in my room saying: ‘Get ready now. You have five minutes to shower. You are having C-section soon.’ I started panicking. I have a terrible fear of needles and I was dreading the epidural. I got in the shower in shock. I kept thinking ‘This will be my last shower before I have my fourth child.’”
“I have a terrible fear of needles,” says the inanimate object made out of Botox who gets pricked with a filler needle every hour on the hour.
Katie was released from the hospital, but her son is still in there and they’re allowed to visit him every day. Katie told The Sun that her and Kieran have decided to name their son JETT RIVIERA. Jett Riviera joins Harvey Price, Princess YTuMamaTambien and Junior as one of Katie’s kids.
Yes, Jett Riviera. Would you expect anything less from one of the most classy and refined ladies in the world? Duchess Kate is slapping her head for not coming up with the name Jett Riviera. Jett Riviera sounds like the name of a cast member on Gigolos and it also sounds like the name of a jet ski rental place in Laughlin, NV. Pure class. One hundred percent.
Here’s Jett Riviera’s mother wearing an outfit modeled after her own coochie lips (actual size) while posing during her a photo call for one of her products last month.
Duchess Kate and Prince William announced today that the name of Suri Cruise’s future husband (she’s a cradle robber) and Prince Hot Ginge’s party prince protégé is Prince George Alexander Louis of Cambridge. Prince GAL for short! See, they totally wanted a queen too. If that’s the case, they should’ve named him Prince George Michael or Prince Boy George.
That name is a bucket of boring, but isn’t that what all of us were expecting? I was hoping for Prince Harvey Price Jodie Marsh Cumberbatch. And I guess this means that Nigel Hawthorne’s great great great great grandson will play King George in a movie.
Busy Phillips must really be a Pinocchio fan (or an It’s Alway Sunny In Philadelphia fan), because E! says that she and her husband Marc Silverstein named their 8-day-old daughter…
CRICKET PEARL SILVERSTEIN!!!!!!
I really have no idea what a cricket’s WTF face looks like, but I’m pretty sure it looks something like this:
Busy and Marc’s other daughter is 4 years old and her name is Birdie. Birdie and Cricket! I guess they really love things that chirp and if Busy ever pops out a third kid, they’re totally naming it Sparrow or Batteryless Smoke Detector. Birdie and Cricket sound like the name of the most popular southern girls at the country club who both have white blond hair, only wear pastels (pastel pink is Birdie’s signature color, pastel yellow is Cricket’s signature color) and drive matching BMW convertibles. Birdie and Cricket are going to be named co-prom queens at the Sweet Valley High prom two years in a row, rule their college sorority, marry doctors and sell Avon on the side just for fun. I totally want to buy Skin-So-Soft from Birdie and Cricket.
When people started giving Busy shit for naming her daughter after a bug, she said this on Twitter:
It’s weird people think my kids will be in therapy because of their names. Guys, my kids will be therapy for LOTS of reasons, I’m sure.
Speaking of needing therapy, the name Cricket made me think of this:
That’s okay, I didn’t need to sleep tonight anyway.
The last time a baby was in Jessica Simpson’s womb, it was in there for approximately 2,000 Wendy Davis Filibusters (aka 36 months), so I thought she still had at least 6 months to go before popping out her second one. But I guess, her second kid decided to speed shit up , because at a hospital in L.A. this morning, he rode a wave of amniotic fluid out of Jessica’s vagine. Jessica’s rep tells UsWeekly that her and Eric Johnson decided to name their son and Maxwell Johnson’s little brother ACE KNUTE JOHNSON. My feelings about that name are best expressed through this picture of the late and great Knut the Polar Bear:
Actually, Jessica’s rep says that the name Knute is pronounced “ka-nute.” Jessica and Eric went with the name Knute because that’s his Swedish grandfather’s first name. Still. I KA-NUTE with the name Ace Knute Johnson. When Jessica said that she was naming her kid “Ace Johnson,” I slow clapped for her since Ace Johnson is a bro way of saying “Champion Penis.” But then she just had to throw KNUTE in there. According to this website, Knute is of Scandinavian origin and it means “knot.” So Jessica and Eric named their son Champion Knot Penis. He’s totally going to be the star of the Puppetry of the Penis reboot in 20 years.
And I’m sure that as soon as Ace Knute moved out, a new fetus moved in. I mean, it’s either put a baby in her body or fulfill the rest of her Weight Watchers contract. Buttered Pop Tarts for everyone!
Even though legend has it that J.K. Rowling based the Death Eaters on the Illuminati, the two organizations of dark-sided evilness hate each other and will do whatever it takes to destroy one another. Well, in the never-ending battle between the Death Eaters and the Illuminati, the Death Eaters are winning and they owe it all to their House Madam, Anna Wintour.
E! says that at a pre-Met Gala dinner at Anna Wintour’s townhouse in May, Anna told Kim Kartrashian that she likes the name North West. It’s kind of hard to believe that Anna was able to say words to Kim’s face without dry heaving before screaming at her bodyguards to remove that tacky trash from her sight, but she had ulterior motives. Anna knows that Kim cares more about getting on the cover of Vogue than keeping her allegiance to the Illuminati, so she told her that she liked the name North West. Anna didn’t think those fools would actually fall for it, but those dumb bitches did and named their poor child North West. And Kim still isn’t going to get that cover of Vogue. Ah-haha! E-hehe! The Illuminati are powerless against Anna Wintour! Anna’s assistants now know why she actually cracked a smile this morning.
E!’s source says that Anna saying she likes the name North West isn’t the reason why Kim and Kanye chose that name, but they’re happy to have her blessing. Uh huh. Don’t put a soft dick in my mouth and say that it’s hard. I see that Pimp Mama Kris is just trying to save face and trying to make it look like Anna Wintour didn’t pull one over on them. Well, she did! Game point: THE DEATH EATERS!
E! also says that Kim, Kanye and North West left the hospital last night and are now “in hiding.” Radar posted a copy of North West’s birth certificate and North (no middle name) West really is her name. Apparently, they’re going to call her Nori. So why didn’t they just name her Nori instead of North if they already knew they were going to call her Nori all the time? Well, because they wouldn’t get half of the attention they’re getting if her government name was Nori . Duh! And I was going to have a California Roll for lunch, but I’ve changed my mind.
The fucked-up baby name gods have prevailed! TMZ says that they’ve seen the Kimye baby’s birth certificate and the name on it is NORTH WEST. This could be Kim and Kanye trolling all of us again, because how is it possible for a Kardashian to exist without one K in her full name? The name isn’t even Knorth. Once that poor child learns how to crawl, she’s going to head northwest to get far, far away from those bitches for naming her North West.
The name North West came up a few months ago and Kim told Jay Leno that the name wasn’t even on their list. Kim said that she’d consider naming her kash kow “Easton” but not North. If North West’s middle name is ByNorth, Alfred Hitchcock is going to roll in his grave, rise from the dead and then drop dead again so he can roll in his grave some more.
But you know, naming a Kardashian “North” is kind of fitting…..
North West is going to divorce her parents and travel the world in search of better parents. That name was meant to be. I just wish Roger Ebert was alive to drag Kim and Kanye properly for this.
NORTH WEST! I can’t and I won’t be able to can for a while.
Kim Kartrashian gave birth to the Kimye baby about 5 days ago after being knocked up for 37 weeks and methinks it’s going to be another 37 weeks before she and Kanye birth out the name of their adorable ATM, because Pimp Mama Kris is going to milk it for maximum attention and selling the release of the baby name to the highest bidder takes time. PMK only has two hands and one hand is constantly fingering Ryan Seacrest so it could take a while.
Hollywood Life says the name is Kai Georgia Donda West, MTO says it’s Kaidence Donda West, InTouch says it’s North West, others say it’s Klementine Star West and my b-hole says it’s Kashorella Klitoris Kardashian. But UsWeekly says that everybody is pretty much dead wrong and InTouch is the closest to being right, because the Kimye baby’s first name will not start with a K. Somewhere in the alphabet ward of the hospital, the letter K, which has been abused by the Kardashians so much that it’s on its death bed, breathed a sigh of relief for the first time in years. Some source said this to UsWeekly:
“They’re not quite ready to announce the name yet. But the name definitely does not start with a K, despite all the rumors that have been out.
Everybody is doing great. The baby is so sweet. Kanye is in love. Kim’s real due date was July 12 — Kanye’s mom’s birthday. That warmed his heart.”
“They’re not quit ready to announce the name yet” means that they’re going to announce the name on the premiere of Pimp Mama Kris’ talk show since that’s the only way anybody’s going to watch that krap show.
It’s probably taking so damn long because Kanye’s lawyers are trying to get the government to accept emoticons as official government names. Kanye wants the Kimye’s baby name to be an emoticon Jesus worshiping an emoticon Kanye (or an emoticon Kanye running away from an emoticon Kim).
Or a fan of court shows. Or a fan of moral rightness. Or just a fan of sort of kind of weird celebrity baby names.
Jensen Ackles and his wife Danneel Harris (better known to me as Shannon from One Life to Live) are new parents to a baby daughter born two Thursdays ago. They announced the news on Twitter (via People) yesterday and also told everyone the name they wrote down on their daughter’s birth certificate:
We are happy to announce the birth of our precious baby girl, Justice Jay “JJ” Ackles. She was born happy and healthy on May 30th.
If my last name was “Ackles,” I’d name my kid Kane, so that we could call her Kankles, but that’s just me. (Side note: Kim and Kanye should totally name their spawn Kankles.)
Justice Jay sounds like the name of the scrappy sidekick of a forgotten Marvel superhero. I love the name Justice, but only because Justice makes me think of Poetic Justice, which makes me think of Janet Jackson and Tupac’s greatest contribution to the world. I’m talking about this scene:
See, this is why I will never take the Oscars seriously. They failed to recognize and honor this achievement in acting, writing and costume design (that hat!).
Anyway, welcome to the world, J²!