Another future cast member of The Hills: 2035 is now upon us. Lauren Conrad, former Laguna Beach good girl turned expert mascara cryer on The Hills turned every sorority girl’s hero, confirmed to People that she gave birth yesterday. 31-year-old Lauren and her 37-year-old husband William Tell are now parents to a 6lb, 14oz baby boy that got a surprisingly predictable name.
“We are thrilled to share that we welcomed our son Liam James Tell into our family. Mom, Dad and baby are doing well. We’re already in love! Chloe and Fitz (their dogs) aren’t so sure…”
She also announced it on Instagram, in a very twee/Lauren Conrad way.
Liam is the most 4th most popular baby name, but sources tell E! News it’s not like that. Lauren and William “decoded” the name (because a name like Liam James is such a head-scratching mystery), and say it’s a short version of William, and James is LC’s dad’s name. E! says that people online have also been pointing out that Liam is sort of what you might get if you combined Lauren and William. That’s wrong. I believe you’d get Lalliam, which kind of sounds like Valium. Actually, has anyone named their kid Valium? It’s not a terrible name. Something to keep in mind if there’s a next time, Lauren.
If you had the names Quatro and Rouf (Four backwards) in your office’s Beyonce baby name pool, your Fourth of July weekend just started off real shitty, because you got it wrong. Nearly two weeks after the twin Jesuses were born, TMZ, E! and People all believe that Beyonce and Jay-Z may have named their babies Rumi and Sir Carter. If you’re in the Bel-Air area and heard the loudest boom, that was just from Kanye West and Kim Kartrashian’s egos exploding while thinking that Beyonce and Jay-Z copied the name Saint by naming one of their kids Sir. And Rumi is probably happy that they didn’t get the name Ma’m Carter.
When Zooey Deschanel got knocked up two years ago, I naturally assumed she would give it an extremely precious name, and she didn’t disappoint. Zooey and her husband Jacob Pechenik named their daughter Elsie Otter.
Zooey got pregnant again and her rep confirmed to People that she gave birth to her second child in Los Angeles last week. Zooey went full-Zooey with this new baby’s name too. I’m starting to think Zooey might be taking her baby naming inspiration from the first three letters of her name. Because just like her first baby, this new baby is also named after a zoo animal.
Zooey gave birth to a baby boy that she and Jacob named Charlie Wolf Pechenik.
If Zooey was trying to relaunch The Get Along Gang, she’s going the right way for it. Elsie Otter and Charlie Wolf sound like two scrappy problem-solving critters who end every day with a hug and a song about a moral. When explaining Elsie’s middle name, she claimed she picked it because otters are sweet and smart. I wonder why they chose wolf? Maybe Baby Charlie came out howling instead of crying or got weird the night of the first full moon.
All I know is that now Zooey and Jacob are pretty much locked into this whole Pacific Northwest animal middle name theme. Hopefully if there’s a next time, she thinks about naming her third baby after one of the Pacific Northwest’s less-popular residents: the Banana Slug. Poor ol’ banana slug gets no love.
Before we get to Alaskan Abstinence Queen Bristol Palin’s third child, let’s quickly remind ourselves of some of the hunting store employee-sounding names that will be greeting it on the Palin Family Tree.
Oh that’s all just terrific. 26-year-old Bristol Palin and her 28-year-old husband of almost a year Dakota Meyer became parents again. Bristol had a girl. This is their second baby together. They have a 1-year-old daughter named Sailor Grace, and Bristol has 9-year-old Tripp Easton with Levi Johnston. Bristol announced her new baby on Instagram yesterday. And what did they name their baby?
“Welcome to the world Atlee Bay“
Sarah Palin congratulated Bristol on her latest baby with a statement released via The Daily Mail saying: “Babies are the best ingredient in our world, and we’re blessed to help welcome Atlee Bay to it. The whole family couldn’t be more thrilled!”
The only thing that matters here is that name. Atlee Bay Meyer. First name Atlee, middle name Bay. That name sounds like something thought up by the Taylee/McKarty lady after driving past an insurance company. Atlee Bay is Bristol’s kid, but it could also be the most highly discounted area rug brand on Overstock.com. It looks like a Google translate mistake. It’s a perfect name for a Palin.
Yes, finally; I’m sure there’s at least one person out there who was anxiously bouncing their legs in anticipation. Good news, that person – we’ve got a name! Cheryl and the One Directioner Liam Payne made a baby boy who was born five weeks ago. At the time, Cheryl and Liam both made it known in their social media birth announcements that they didn’t have a name for their kid yet. Yesterday, The Daily Mail claimed that Cheryl and Liam named their baby Bear Payne. That news was confirmed by Liam after he was congratulated on Twitter by urine-drinking wilderness person Bear Grylls.
— Liam (@LiamPayne) May 2, 2017
The Daily Mail says that both Cheryl and Liam know Bear Grylls and he may have been the inspiration for their kid’s name. Well, that or Cheryl and Liam threw a dart at a list of Quirky-ish Famous Baby Names and hit Alicia Silverstone, Jamie Oliver, Kate Winslet’s favorite.
But back to that name. Bear Payne doesn’t even sound like the name of a baby; it sounds like a home-made alcoholic energy drink for lumberjacks. If Yogi trained Boo Boo as an MMA fighter, his Octagon name would be Bear Payne. All I really know is that if Bear and his mom were to get into Britain’s Motherboy circuit, Cher & Bear would be a great team name.
It felt like forever ago that former porn star-turned-disaster Jenna Jameson announced her fiancé Lior Bitton had knocked her up with her third child. Both Jenna and Lior announced the news on Instagram that she had given birth to an 8lb daughter yesterday that they named Batel Lu Bitton.
I am so proud to introduce everyone to my newborn daughter! Her name is Batel Lu Bitton. She was born at 8lbs exactly and 21 inches long. She is so calm and graceful it's hard to look at her not feel overwhelmed. I had a very long labor (12 hours) and pushed for an intense 22 minutes. We are head over heels in love with her 💫 welcome to the world little star, Mommy loves you ⭐️
This is 42-year-old Jenna’s first kid with 42-year-old Lior. She has 8-year-old twin boys named Jesse and Journey with Tito Ortiz. Tito has full custody of their boys.
Jenna’s fiancé is from Israel and is Jewish (Jenna converted), which would explain Baby Batel’s name.
Jenna Jameson and a new baby makes me feel a teensy bit nervous, because I keep having flashbacks to the first time Jenna tried to be a mom. But I’m going to stay positive. Well, let’s see. Oh, I’ve got something – a new baby means Jenna will be too busy wiping up baby dookie and milk barfs to go on four-hour long racist Twitter rants. Damn, this glass is a hard one to fill up half-way.