And no, it’s not “Not Chris Brown’s Baby“, which is what it probably wishes it could legally change it to. According to TMZ, the 9-month-old baby that Chris Brown made with a model named Nia is called Royalty. Raise your hand if you too just got a craving for some Royal Milk Tea. TMZ doesn’t say whether or not the baby has her daddy’s last name, but I hope she does, because Royalty Brown kind of sounds like the name of a fancy British drag queen, and I can get behind that 100%.
As of yesterday, it was still sort of up in the air as to the DNA status of Chris Brown’s alleged baby. But the mystery is solved! TMZ says that Chris and Nia both took paternity tests last week, and in the immortal words of Maury Povich, he IS the father (sorry Royalty). They’re also saying that Royalty lives with her mommy in Texas, so Chris has agreed to fly out there on the regular and help raise her (again, sorry Royalty) and has arranged some sort of child support agreement. Wait, is Chris Brown even allowed to cross state lines? I know he’s not allowed to cross the border. Someone better call his probation officer and ask.
But when he does book his ticket on the baby daddy express to Texas, he should just buy one, since it looks like he won’t need a second boarding pass for his former piece Karrueche Tran. I know it’s only been 24 hours since they broke up, but in Karreuche Tran/Chris Brown break-up time, that’s like 16 months. Here’s a single-and-ready-to-mingle Karrueche hitting the club and looking for her next Chris Brown last night:
After what felt like a 16-month pregnancy, Carrie Underwood has finally given birth to the baby put inside her by her Canadian hockey husband Mike Fisher. Carrie announced the news that she gave birth to a baby boy on Instagram by posting a picture of a tiny baby hand with the caption: “Tiny hands and tiny feet…God has blessed us with an amazing gift! Isaiah Michael Fisher – born on February 27. Welcome to the world, sweet angel!”
I’m guessing she’s saving a real picture of her baby for whatever magazine cover she lands on proclaiming MY BABY JOY or MEET MY MIRACLE as her baby makes a confused “what is happening?” face.
Carrie is both a famous type and a country girl, and Mike is a famous type hockey dude, so I even though I didn’t really care one way or another, I just assumed they’d name their baby something like Waylon Windchimes Gordie. But they went with Isaiah Michael, which is surprisingly normal and boring for two famous types. Eh, good for them – I suppose not every baby that falls out of a famous vagina has to be a Sporaticus Alphonsé or a Parsley Williamsburg Turntable.
If Linda Perry asked the question “What’s going on?” anytime last Saturday, the answer shouted back at her was probably “Your wife’s cervix is 4 centimeters dilated.” According to The Daily Mail, Sara Gilbert spent her Saturday birthing out the baby boy that was chilling out inside her for the past 9 months. This is Sara and Linda’s first baby together, and they’ve named him Rhodes Emilio Gilbert Perry. Sara also has two kids from a previous relationship, a 10-year-old son named Levi and a 7-year-old daughter named Sawyer.
I don’t know if Linda and Sara will refer to their baby as Rhodes or Rhodes Emilio, but I hope they go formal and refer to him as Rhodes Gilbert Perry. Rhodes Gilbert Perry sounds like the name of an old money character from a movie about a messy party slob son who inherits his father’s snobby country club. Rhodes Gilbert Perry’s best friend is Franklin Franklinton III, and they don’t understand what pizza is.
Then again, I’m sure he’s nothing like this Rhodes Gilbert Perry character I’ve invented. Baby Rhodes no doubt spent his 9 months on the inside absorbing as much cool from Mommy Linda as possible. I wouldn’t doubt you if you told me slid out of Sara’s womb wearing an infant-sized necklace out of a set of vintage bronze keys and a knit beanie while riffing on a tiny Les Paul guitar. I don’t know how he got it up there, but leave it to a cool baby to find a way.
And if you want to see what it would look like if Darlene from Roseanne tried to steal a basketball for David, here’s Sara a couple weeks ago before she gave birth:
Stop whatever it is you’re doing, because this is EXTRA EXTRA BREAKING NEWS. Surgeons, put down your scalpels – that liver transplant will have to wait a moment, because this is very important. Because Blake Lively is still searching for the perfect Civil War-era Chantilly lace baby bonnet and an 18th century daguerreotype photographer, she has yet to introduce the world to the 2-month-old baby girl she made with Ryan Reynolds. So far, Bland’s baby is a mystery, right down to the name.
Some people thought her name was Violet, but Ryan said that was a lie. But according to E!, everyone can stop guessing the names of random flowers and field herbs, because a source has told them that the Lively-Reynolds baby is named James. Is it just me, or does Blake, Ryan, and James sound like the names of three dudes who got kicked out of their frat house for digging a home-made swimming pool into the front yard?
Bland and Van Wilder haven’t commented on whether or not that’s what they named their baby, and until someone from the new baby name office releases a picture of themselves holding up a birth certificate that says JAMES LIVELY REYNOLDS in one hand and a newspaper with today’s date on it in the other, we can’t be sure what the hell they named their baby. So don’t count yourself out if you had $20 on Apothecary Milkthistle in your office’s Blake Lively Baby Name Pool.
I know that manicured hand being gripped on to by that baby is that of Vanessa Minnillo, but it’s more fun to pretend it belongs to Nick Lachey (he seems like the sporty squoval type). I, like I’m sure many of you, forgot that Vanessa Mint Milano Cookies was knocked up with one of Nick Lachey’s white turtleneck-wearing bobo Channing Tatum sperms. But she was, and now she’s not anymore, because she gave birth to the baby living inside her yesterday. Vanessa announced the arrival of said baby by posting a picture to Instagram earlier today with the following caption that will no doubt make Michael K fly into a fit of rage and whip his Beverly Hills Teens pencil holder at the wall (thankfully I always keep a spare under my desk):
“Baby girl Lachey is finally HERE and we couldn’t be happier!!! All her sweet little details are on VanessaLachey.com. Thank you for all of the love and support, we are over the moon! Xx“
I got really excited thinking they had actually named their baby “Baby Girl Lachey”, but UsWeekly – who is clearly in thew business of crushing dreams – says her name is actually Brooklyn Elisabeth. She joins their other kid, 2-year-old Camden John. Brooklyn and Camden? It sounds like Nick and Vanessa have been choosing their kids’ names by throwing a dart at a map of the greater New York/New Jersey area. If that’s true, then I sincerely look forward to the possibility of a third baby named Schenectady Lachey. Unless there’s already a drag queen from upstate New York with that name, in which case, hands off Vanessa and Nick – that’s a hot name, and it doesn’t belong to you.
While most of us were celebrating New Years Eve cleaning someone else’s vomit off our shirts (dear everyone I threw up on Wednesday night: I’m sorry, your muffin basket is in the mail), Zoe Saldana was doing the same thing, except she knew where the vomit was coming from and it probably didn’t smell like champagne mixed with Swiss Chalet dipping sauce (again, sorry everyone). Back in December, there were whispers that Zoe Saldana had finally pushed out the twin babies living inside her, but Zoe had no comment, which either meant the whisper was a lie and they were still living inside her, or she just didn’t want to talk about it. Either way, she’s finally ready to talk about the babies she made with her hot human vintage store of a husband Marco Perego.
This morning, Zoe introduced us to her babies (sort of) by Instagramming a picture of her “first meal of 2015″, followed by a close-up of the baby bottles that accompanied her cheese plate with the caption:
“Our boys CY and BOWIE are finally here. #marcoperego and I wanted to thank you for your beautiful wishes and for your patience.“
She doesn’t specify when they were born, but she did tell us what she named them, and that’s all that matters to me. I had a feeling they were going to go with some thing from the Hipster Guide to Too-Cool Baby Names, and I see they didn’t let me down: Cy Perego sounds like an old-timey blacksmith from Brooklyn who makes custom metal moustache twirlers, and Bowie Perego sounds like a back-up melodica player for Arcade Fire. And when you put them together, they sound like a small-batch local kombucha bottling company. Good job, you two!
According to UsWeekly, Alicia Keys and her husband Swizz Beatz (a man whose name will always make me think of Planters Cheez Balls) became the parents of their second kid yesterday when she pushed out a baby boy. Alicia and Swizz announced the arrival of their new baby and little brother of 4-year-old Egypt by throwing up what looks like a birth certificate from Buttons the Clown Memorial Hospital on Instagram earlier today:
So Alicia and Swizz Cheese’s new baby is named Genesis Ali Dean. I’m just going to go ahead and assume they chose those names because they’re huge fans of both Sega Genesis and Ali Larter. Then again, their kids are Egypt and Genesis, so it’s probably because they’re really into The Bible or something. Either way, I’m sure Phil Collins and Peter Gabriel are thrilled. Congrats, Baby Genesis! I think you just earned free tickets to every Genesis reunion tour for the rest of your life!
The newest cast member of Krapping Up with the Kardashians and Pimp Mama Kris’ latest human ATM was pulled out of The Slow One’s body about a week ago and they just got around to burping up the poor child’s name. I’m guessing it took them so long to announce their son’s name because Pimp Mama Kris was busy trying to find a corporation who will pay top dollar for her grandson to be named after one of their brands. The CW came through, I see.
Kourtney Kardashian threw up this picture of her holding hands with her third kid on Instagram today. Those Kartrashians are getting better at Photoshop, because you can barely tell that they Photoshopped out the words “SAVE ME” that the littlest Kardashian wrote in baby drool on his fingers.
In the picture’s caption, she wrote what she and Scott Disick decided to name Penelope and Mason’s little brother:
Madly in love with my little Reign Aston Disick.
REIGN ASTON DISICK????? Just call him Baby RAD.
If you’re going to name your kid after a show on The CW, you should try to be a little more original and not name them after a show that Lil Kim named her kid after. Reign Aston Disick sounds like it came from the mind of Lord Disick and the mind of Lord Disick alone. It sounds like the name of the snobbiest character on Beverly Hills Teens. You know, I shouldn’t say that the name Reign Aston Disick is all Scott’s doing, because the name “Reign” could be a tribute to the Kardashian family motto, which is, “Make it rain all day, every day, hos!”
And if you cross your eyes while reading “Aston Disick,” it’ll look like “ass ton dicks.” Now that I think about it, I bet Kim came up with the name.
Look at Robert Duvall’s crotchety old face behind them. I know it’s just a poster, but it looks like he’s about to bark: “Oh, knock it off, you two – movie premieres aren’t THAT much fun.”
After many months – nine, to be exact – Kristen Bell has evicted the tiny freeloader living rent-free in her womb, and now she and her husband
Frito Pendejo Dax Shepard are the parents to their second baby girl. Kristen and Dax already have a 21-month-old daughter named Lincoln Bell Shepard, and I was hoping they might stick with the American History theme and this new baby would be called Washington or Liberty Bell or something. But they didn’t do that; instead, they did something MUCH better. Kristen announced the arrival of baby no. 2 on Twitter last night, and I’m going to take this as a sign that their favorite Designing Woman was Suzanne Sugarbaker:
Delta Bell Shepard! That’s only 3 letters off from being named Delta Burke, aka one of the most prolific and important fashion designers of our time. The only way that name could be better is if they changed Delta to Julia and legally changed the baby’s last name from Shepard to Sugarbaker.
Or maybe they chose Delta because they really love air travel, but American Airlines Shepard was just too awkward and United Shepard sounds like a weird cult. Or maybe it was an on-purpose mistake by a hospital nurse who couldn’t bear to see another baby named Elsa this year. “Elsa? Oh, hell no…change that S to a T, and throw a D in front. There. You’re welcome, baby.” I don’t know. Regardless, congratulations to them both!
I like to imagine that’s also the face he’ll make the first time the baby spits up on him. “Aw hell, this dashiki is dry clean only. I’m getting too old for this shit!” Luckily, Stevie Wonder only has to deal with one type of baby barf. Remember last month when there was a rumor going around that 64-year-old Stevie had knocked a set of triplets into his girlfriend Tomeeka Robyn Bracy, thus guaranteeing his induction into the Fertile Pepaw Hall of Fame? Well, it turns out the three babies were just one, and it’s here now.
Stevie’s rep has confirmed to UsWeekly that Stevie became a father for the 9th time when Tomeeka birthed a baby girl named Nia. This is his second baby with Tomeeka. Stevie’s rep says they chose the name Nia because it means ‘purpose’, and that it’s one of the seven principles of Kwanzaa. But I’m pretending they named her after high-waisted jeans inspiration Nia Long.
I know 64 is technically pretty old to be dealing with a newborn, but there’s got to be a couple silver linings. For instance, you never have to worry about the baby not letting you sleep in, since you’re already waking up at 4am every morning. You both have a mutual respect for the other when it comes to having a difficult time going to the bathroom, and you’re both always taking naps. Plus, whenever you want to leave a party early, you can blame it on the baby. Frankly, I can’t see any problems! What’s that you say? Being constantly tired? Oh…right.