I know that manicured hand being gripped on to by that baby is that of Vanessa Minnillo, but it’s more fun to pretend it belongs to Nick Lachey (he seems like the sporty squoval type). I, like I’m sure many of you, forgot that Vanessa Mint Milano Cookies was knocked up with one of Nick Lachey’s white turtleneck-wearing bobo Channing Tatum sperms. But she was, and now she’s not anymore, because she gave birth to the baby living inside her yesterday. Vanessa announced the arrival of said baby by posting a picture to Instagram earlier today with the following caption that will no doubt make Michael K fly into a fit of rage and whip his Beverly Hills Teens pencil holder at the wall (thankfully I always keep a spare under my desk):
“Baby girl Lachey is finally HERE and we couldn’t be happier!!! All her sweet little details are on VanessaLachey.com. Thank you for all of the love and support, we are over the moon! Xx“
I got really excited thinking they had actually named their baby “Baby Girl Lachey”, but UsWeekly – who is clearly in thew business of crushing dreams – says her name is actually Brooklyn Elisabeth. She joins their other kid, 2-year-old Camden John. Brooklyn and Camden? It sounds like Nick and Vanessa have been choosing their kids’ names by throwing a dart at a map of the greater New York/New Jersey area. If that’s true, then I sincerely look forward to the possibility of a third baby named Schenectady Lachey. Unless there’s already a drag queen from upstate New York with that name, in which case, hands off Vanessa and Nick – that’s a hot name, and it doesn’t belong to you.
While most of us were celebrating New Years Eve cleaning someone else’s vomit off our shirts (dear everyone I threw up on Wednesday night: I’m sorry, your muffin basket is in the mail), Zoe Saldana was doing the same thing, except she knew where the vomit was coming from and it probably didn’t smell like champagne mixed with Swiss Chalet dipping sauce (again, sorry everyone). Back in December, there were whispers that Zoe Saldana had finally pushed out the twin babies living inside her, but Zoe had no comment, which either meant the whisper was a lie and they were still living inside her, or she just didn’t want to talk about it. Either way, she’s finally ready to talk about the babies she made with her hot human vintage store of a husband Marco Perego.
This morning, Zoe introduced us to her babies (sort of) by Instagramming a picture of her “first meal of 2015″, followed by a close-up of the baby bottles that accompanied her cheese plate with the caption:
“Our boys CY and BOWIE are finally here. #marcoperego and I wanted to thank you for your beautiful wishes and for your patience.“
She doesn’t specify when they were born, but she did tell us what she named them, and that’s all that matters to me. I had a feeling they were going to go with some thing from the Hipster Guide to Too-Cool Baby Names, and I see they didn’t let me down: Cy Perego sounds like an old-timey blacksmith from Brooklyn who makes custom metal moustache twirlers, and Bowie Perego sounds like a back-up melodica player for Arcade Fire. And when you put them together, they sound like a small-batch local kombucha bottling company. Good job, you two!
According to UsWeekly, Alicia Keys and her husband Swizz Beatz (a man whose name will always make me think of Planters Cheez Balls) became the parents of their second kid yesterday when she pushed out a baby boy. Alicia and Swizz announced the arrival of their new baby and little brother of 4-year-old Egypt by throwing up what looks like a birth certificate from Buttons the Clown Memorial Hospital on Instagram earlier today:
So Alicia and Swizz Cheese’s new baby is named Genesis Ali Dean. I’m just going to go ahead and assume they chose those names because they’re huge fans of both Sega Genesis and Ali Larter. Then again, their kids are Egypt and Genesis, so it’s probably because they’re really into The Bible or something. Either way, I’m sure Phil Collins and Peter Gabriel are thrilled. Congrats, Baby Genesis! I think you just earned free tickets to every Genesis reunion tour for the rest of your life!
The newest cast member of Krapping Up with the Kardashians and Pimp Mama Kris’ latest human ATM was pulled out of The Slow One’s body about a week ago and they just got around to burping up the poor child’s name. I’m guessing it took them so long to announce their son’s name because Pimp Mama Kris was busy trying to find a corporation who will pay top dollar for her grandson to be named after one of their brands. The CW came through, I see.
Kourtney Kardashian threw up this picture of her holding hands with her third kid on Instagram today. Those Kartrashians are getting better at Photoshop, because you can barely tell that they Photoshopped out the words “SAVE ME” that the littlest Kardashian wrote in baby drool on his fingers.
In the picture’s caption, she wrote what she and Scott Disick decided to name Penelope and Mason’s little brother:
Madly in love with my little Reign Aston Disick.
REIGN ASTON DISICK????? Just call him Baby RAD.
If you’re going to name your kid after a show on The CW, you should try to be a little more original and not name them after a show that Lil Kim named her kid after. Reign Aston Disick sounds like it came from the mind of Lord Disick and the mind of Lord Disick alone. It sounds like the name of the snobbiest character on Beverly Hills Teens. You know, I shouldn’t say that the name Reign Aston Disick is all Scott’s doing, because the name “Reign” could be a tribute to the Kardashian family motto, which is, “Make it rain all day, every day, hos!”
And if you cross your eyes while reading “Aston Disick,” it’ll look like “ass ton dicks.” Now that I think about it, I bet Kim came up with the name.
Look at Robert Duvall’s crotchety old face behind them. I know it’s just a poster, but it looks like he’s about to bark: “Oh, knock it off, you two – movie premieres aren’t THAT much fun.”
After many months – nine, to be exact – Kristen Bell has evicted the tiny freeloader living rent-free in her womb, and now she and her husband
Frito Pendejo Dax Shepard are the parents to their second baby girl. Kristen and Dax already have a 21-month-old daughter named Lincoln Bell Shepard, and I was hoping they might stick with the American History theme and this new baby would be called Washington or Liberty Bell or something. But they didn’t do that; instead, they did something MUCH better. Kristen announced the arrival of baby no. 2 on Twitter last night, and I’m going to take this as a sign that their favorite Designing Woman was Suzanne Sugarbaker:
Delta Bell Shepard! That’s only 3 letters off from being named Delta Burke, aka one of the most prolific and important fashion designers of our time. The only way that name could be better is if they changed Delta to Julia and legally changed the baby’s last name from Shepard to Sugarbaker.
Or maybe they chose Delta because they really love air travel, but American Airlines Shepard was just too awkward and United Shepard sounds like a weird cult. Or maybe it was an on-purpose mistake by a hospital nurse who couldn’t bear to see another baby named Elsa this year. “Elsa? Oh, hell no…change that S to a T, and throw a D in front. There. You’re welcome, baby.” I don’t know. Regardless, congratulations to them both!
I like to imagine that’s also the face he’ll make the first time the baby spits up on him. “Aw hell, this dashiki is dry clean only. I’m getting too old for this shit!” Luckily, Stevie Wonder only has to deal with one type of baby barf. Remember last month when there was a rumor going around that 64-year-old Stevie had knocked a set of triplets into his girlfriend Tomeeka Robyn Bracy, thus guaranteeing his induction into the Fertile Pepaw Hall of Fame? Well, it turns out the three babies were just one, and it’s here now.
Stevie’s rep has confirmed to UsWeekly that Stevie became a father for the 9th time when Tomeeka birthed a baby girl named Nia. This is his second baby with Tomeeka. Stevie’s rep says they chose the name Nia because it means ‘purpose’, and that it’s one of the seven principles of Kwanzaa. But I’m pretending they named her after high-waisted jeans inspiration Nia Long.
I know 64 is technically pretty old to be dealing with a newborn, but there’s got to be a couple silver linings. For instance, you never have to worry about the baby not letting you sleep in, since you’re already waking up at 4am every morning. You both have a mutual respect for the other when it comes to having a difficult time going to the bathroom, and you’re both always taking naps. Plus, whenever you want to leave a party early, you can blame it on the baby. Frankly, I can’t see any problems! What’s that you say? Being constantly tired? Oh…right.
When Eva Mendes was knocked up with the Internet’s boyfriend’s baby, she did everything to hide her growing fetus dome including comically covering it with everything in her fucking closet. I expected her to hire two dudes to carry a giant armoire in front of her at all times so nobody would see that she had a CASE OF THE BABIES! She was a walking “privacy please” sign and I don’t think she ever confirmed she had a baby. But now that she’s birthed out her and Ryan Gosling’s daughter Esmerelda Amada, she’s talking about everything from not having nannies to confirming that they named their kid after what you thought they named her after.
Rachel Bilson And Hayden Christensen Just Had A Baby, And Apparently They Are Huge Sleeping Beauty Fans
Since I’m a Canadian person, I’m sure some of you are expecting me to say something snarky about that Maples Leafs hat on Hayden Christensen’s head. But to be completely honest, I don’t much care for hockey. I know, I should have my citizenship revoked.
Us Weekly says that Rachel Bilson (aka Summer from The O.C.) and her boyfriend Hayden Christensen (aka NOT SETH) are now the parents of a baby girl. Cue “The Circle of Life” from The Lion King! And while neither Rachel nor Hayden have confirmed the news themselves, multiple sources claim that their new baby’s name is Briar Rose. “NOOOOOOOOOOOO” screamed Blake Lively, as she crosses the top name off her Disney Princess baby name list.
In case booze has killed your last remaining brain cell containing the memories of your childhood, or you’ve just plain forgot, Briar Rose is the alias used by that narcoleptic trick Princess Aurora when she goes to live in the woods with those hot Golden Girls fairies in Sleeping Beauty. I want to like that name, but believe it or not, I’ve known two Briars, and they were both stuck-up bitches. But I’m sure it’s just a coincidence, and Baby Briar Rose Bilson-Christensen will grow up to be cool and not a jerk who makes fun of my last-season L.A. Gears.
Or maybe Hayden wanted to pay tribute to his Canadian roots by naming his baby after what is arguably the most Canadian thing in existence, the Tim Horton’s Brier! Hayden – it’s not too late! You can still change that baby’s middle name to Céline!
Somewhere in a solid gold diamond-encrusted Illuminati pyramid playhouse on a private island you’ve never heard of, Blue Ivy Carter has started practicing her “Bitch, NO” face to be used in the future for when she forms a platinum-selling super group in her garage with Kelly Rowland’s new baby and Michelle Williams (“Michelle, here’s $50; go sing backup for my kid” – Beyonce), and Kelly’s baby has the audacity to claim they’re the second lead vocalist.
People says that on Tuesday afternoon, Kelly Rowland gave birth to the Destiny’s Child growing in her fetus hatch, and now she and her husband/manager Tim Witherspoon are the parents of a baby boy named Titan Jewell. Kelly told People back in July that her husband had picked out the name for their baby and that it had something to do with family, so I’m guessing Tim’s dad is either the alien mayor of one of Saturn’s moons or the dude who released the Kraken. And Jewell is a great middle name, because babies are expensive as hell and should be named after the expensive stuff you’ll no longer be able to afford once you give birth to one.
And you should probably go ahead and prepare for a Stage-10 internet meltdown now, because it will be only a matter of seconds until that shady bitch Beyonce bumps the release of that second surprise album she was working on from next week to today in an attempt to yank the spotlight away from Kelly. First rule of Beyonce: nobody outshines Beyonce!
I know that a picture of Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis sitting behind a Burger King sign at a basketball game has nothing to do with Baby Wyatt and her non-existent nannies, but I just figured it’s Hump Day, and who wouldn’t want to celebrate by thinking about delicious flame-broiled Whoppers? Yarm.
Ashton was on Conan O’Brien Tuesday night, and after throwing some Charles Schulz-y shade at Charlie Sheen, he decided to talk about his new baby Ashton confessed that even though he’s an insanely rich famous dude who is rich enough to hire someone to get elbow-deep in baby caca and projectile milk-barfed on at 3am, he hasn’t hired a nanny for Baby Wyatt. Why? Because he’s an insanely rich famous dude.
“We’re really privileged that we have time and can afford to take time. So we don’t have a nanny or a night nurse of any of the stuff. It’s just the two of us.”
Ashton and Mila are lucky, because they never have to worry about being too exhausted to take care of the baby. All they have to do is throw on an episode of That 70s Show and a pair of those glasses that make you look like you’re awake, and Baby Wyatt won’t even notice the difference. Sure, she might get confused later in life when people refer to her parents as “Mila and Ashton” instead of “Jackie and Kelso”, but that’s nothing a little therapy can’t fix. And for those of you wondering how they got the name “Wyatt”, Ashton explains:
“We were going to a Lakers game and I got name Tourette’s and I just started listing off anything and everything that I saw: ‘Sign! Truck! Wall! Door!’ She [was] like, ‘Shut up!’ Then I was like, ‘I’ve got a really dumb idea. What about Wyatt?’ She goes, ‘That’s it.’”
I’m sorry, but how do you go from names like sign, truck, wall, door to Wyatt? Maybe Ashton pulled up to an intersection and saw a dude dressed like a cellphone spinning a sign that said “ASK ME WHY AT&T WANTS YOU TO SWITCH TODAY!“. Wyatt works, but did he ever consider Cellphondrea (pronounce cell-PHON-drea, obviously)? Come on, Cellphondria is a hot name!