After much initial secrecy, a dramatic live TV pregnancy reveal, and a half-naked Rolling Stone cover, the day has finally come. Cardi B and her not-so-secret husband Offset are parents of a baby girl. TMZ says it happened last night at an Atlanta, Georgia hospital. They don’t say what the birth was like, so it’s up to me to interpret what happened. And of course I’m picturing the hospital halls being filled with the sounds Cardi busting out some Lamaze-style breathing techniques mixed with vocal trills, while Offset shouts random ad-libs like “Baby,” “Crowning,” and “That’s a lotta goo.”
This is 25-year-old Cardi’s first child, while 26-year-old Offset also has two sons, Jordan and Kody, and a daughter Kalea from previous relationships. Cardi confirmed the news herself on Instagram with picture from what appears to be Beyoncé’s pregnancy photo shoot (minus the clothing budget), and let everyone know the baby’s birth date and the baby’s name. Please welcome to the world, little Kulture Kiari Cephus.
To decode that name a little, Kiari is is Offset’s first name and Cephus is his last name (Kiari Kendrell Cephus). Kulture is…who even knows. It could be Cardi’s way of paying homage to Offset’s rap group Migos, whose second and third album were titled Culture and Culture II. Or maybe it’s not even pronounced like culture, but Koal-tyure, like couture. Nope, it’s probably just straight-up Kulture. Whatever the reason or pronunciation behind it, you know the Kardashians are mad as hell and have already spoken to their lawyers. There goes the perfect name for a yogurt brand launch, and just think of the tasteless, semen-y looking ad campaign that could have been.
It seems like with some pregnant celebrities after they give birth, you think, “Huh? Didn’t they just get knocked up?” Eva Longoria is not that type of pregnant celebrity. Every time I saw a picture of her, she looked like she was about to hit up Home Depot to see what kind of steel supports it would take to stabilize her lower back. She doesn’t have to worry about that anymore, because at long last, 43-year-old Eva has given birth.
According to People, Eva’s 6-pound baby son was born yesterday at Cedars-Sinai Hospital in Los Angeles. This is the first baby for Eva, and the fourth child for her husband of two years, 50-year-old José “Pepe” Bastón (he has three children from a previous marriage). They confirmed the news by releasing the first picture of their new baby Santiago Enrique Bastón to HOLA! USA. On the same day she gave birth? Don’t ever doubt the work ethic of Eva’s publicist.
WORLD EXCLUSIVE! Say hola to #EvaLongoria’s son Santiago Enrique Bastón! ? ¡Eva Longoria ya es mamá! ?? En exclusiva mundial para #HOLAUSA Eva comparte la primera foto de su bebé. Todos los detalles en nuestra web. Link en bio y stories. #itsaboy #congrats #babynews #socute #PepeBastón Foto: @usahola
Santiago was born just five days after Eva said goodbye to her 15-year-old first baby, her dog Jinxy. I never thought Eva would honor the memory of her doggy by naming her new son Jinxy, if only because I’m pretty sure a name like that pigeonholes you into a life of clip-in hair sales. And Eva already has the biggest clip-in hair expert in her life.
Here’s some more of Eva just three days before she gave birth.
There was talk that the name of Prince William and Duchess Kate’s third child was accidentally revealed by a glitch on the royal website. That talk came from The Daily Mail. The name that was accidentally revealed was “Albert,” as in PRINCE ALBERT. I pictured Prince Hot Ginge and THE QUEEN whispering to each other, “Do you think we should tell those bland squares what a Prince Albert is or just let them name their son after a dick piercing and a messy bareback slut prince?“, before cackling and doing another gin shot. But I guess what really happened is that Prince George took crash courses in coding on DeVry University online and decided to mess with the media by “accidentally” revealing his brother’s name on the royal website. Because Prince William and Duchess Kate announced the name of their 4-day-old baby and it’s not Prince Albert.
It looks like the only true thing that Khloe Kartrashian will ever get out of Tristan Thompson is a living Instagram pic accessory (that’s Kartrashian for “child“.)
Because Khlozilla is so “hood,” I fully expected her to name her 4-day-old daughter Kompton Kardashian. But instead of doing that, she brought on endless jokes by naming her poor baby True Thompson. I guess ISwearTristanThompsonIsntCheatingTrash Thompson didn’t fit on the birth certificate. The baby’s name might be True, but baby’s daddy is far fucking from it. The kid’s nickname should be “Wishful Thinking,” because True is something that Tristan will never be to Khlozilla.
Tru Davies better call a lawyer.
Not only is Khloe’s baby the only True thing between her and her wandering dick-having cheating slut of a man, but that baby is also the only True thing in the Kartrashian family.
When all the shit came out about Tristan Thompson’s dick paying a visit to every cooch that wasn’t attached to his latest pregnant girlfriend, I thought it was all part of Pimp Mama Kris’ diabolical plan to oust him from the family so that her newest little cooing ATM would get the last name Kardashian. But I was wrong. Besides, Khloe couldn’t name her daughter True if she gave True the last name Kardashian. It would be impossible. I mean, every time you type the words “True” and “Kardashian” next to each other, it automatically auto-corrects to False Kardashian since there’s nothing true about the koven.
UPDATE: Pimp Mama Kris claims that “True” is a family name, but since it came from the mouth of PMK, I’m going to say that this fun fact is a false fact!
I’m so excited to welcome my precious little granddaughter True!!! FUN FACT… my Grandfather’s name on my Dad’s side was True Otis Houghton….my real Dad’s name was Robert True Houghton…so i am so excited Khloe named her daughter True!!! #lovebug #familytradition #family pic.twitter.com/MFheCTYnb6
— Kris Jenner (@KrisJenner) April 16, 2018
Because we as humans always focus on things that are highly importantly in this world, many have been spending their time on trying to figure out what Kylie Jenner named her new daughter. Kylie and her man Travis Scott (government name: Jacques Webster) are really into butterflies (he’s got a song called Butterfly Effect and they’ve got matching butterfly tattoos), so some figured that they’d give their child a butterfly name. Like Butterfly or Monarch or Mariposa (Spanish for butterfly). But instead of going that route, Kylie and Travis gave their daughter the name of a stripper who’s got a butterfly tattoo on her lower back.
We may have to wait another two months to see the first pictures of Kim Kardashian and Kanye West’s third baby, but Kim and Kanye clearly know the only thing people really care about is what beyond-ridiculous name they went with. After a four day wait, Kim revealed on her website today that she and Kanye decided to name their daughter – a human child, I remind you – Chicago West. On the bright side, if they want to buy little Chicago a monogrammed t-shirt or mug, they don’t have to look much farther than the The CW’s online store.