It wasn’t that long ago when Jennifer Love Hewitt was the human Miss Prissy and was so desperate for a husband that she’d bring an officiant, a wedding planner, a florist, an engagement ring and a wedding ring with her to a first date just in case. But then ole square bitches herself met her now husband Brian Hallisay while doing The Client List and she popped out their first kid, a daughter named Autumn James, in 2013. Well, 18 months after Autumn James (if that isn’t a Nicholas Sparks character name, I don’t know what is) checked out of her womb, JLove and her husband are parents again. The former Jennifer Aniston of basic cable and current stretch mark cream hawker gave birth to a son yesterday. JLove and Brian made it clear that they really love the letter A and really, really love James as a middle name. via People
Actress Jennifer Love Hewitt has welcomed her second child with her husband, actor Brian Hallisay.
Son Atticus James Hallisay arrived Wednesday, the actress’ rep confirms to PEOPLE.
Atticus James sounds like a line of antique bronze monocles sold exclusively at Preserve.us. It also sounds like the name of a craft beer sommelier at Brooklyn’s most popular animal-to-table (farm-to-table is so out) restaurant.
I don’t mind the name Atticus. It could be a lot, lot worse. But if JLove named her kid after a book she loved, I’m surprised she didn’t name him TheRules James Hallisay since I’m sure she read that mess a million times during her OHMYGAWDINEEDAMAN phase.
Pic: Palmer’s Cocoa Butter
Pop Smash a bottle of sparkling wine and scream an expletive-filled message of congratulations, because anti-anger management’s unofficial mascot Alec Baldwin is a daddy again! Earlier today, Alec’s beyond-thirsty wife Hilaria Baldwin confirmed that she had successfully doubled-down on her 18-year investment by posting a picture of the baby she popped out of her body (well, she posted his hand at least) to Instagram with the caption: “We are happy to announce the birth of Rafael Thomas Baldwin.”
Then, once she realized that was far too subtle an announcement, she rented out a digital billboard in Times Square and played a video of her doing a series of upside-down yoga poses in the maternity ward while she writes the name BALDWIN on the birth certificate. I’m joking – Hilaria Baldwin would never be so tacky.
Of course, we don’t really know how Alec feels about Baby Rafael, whose name is giving me a major craving for some coconut almond Christmastime chocolates, on account of him quitting Twitter. But if I had to guess, I’d say that when he held his son for the first time, he was so overcome with emotion, he leaned in and whispered “What a not-rude opposite-of-thoughtless little pig you are.” I’m sure he would have said something nicer, but the language center in Alec Baldwin’s brain has been conditioned to speak solely in insults.
I’m pulling out my pitchfork now, because Duchess Kate and Prince William had ONE JOB to do (Side note: Seriously, naming their baby princess was their only job this week, because I’m sure they’ll get a few weeks off before they have to go back to their main job of waving and smiling at their subjects during a ribbon-cutting ceremony.) and they screwed it up. They didn’t name the new baby princess Princess Jodie Katie. They didn’t even name her my second choice: Princess Harryetta Concepcion Fuckyoumorrissey. It’s May Fourth, so they could’ve gotten on the good side of the nerds by naming her Princess Leia Organa of Cambridge. But they didn’t go with any of those. They went the predictable royal name route. Duchess Kate and Prince William decided to name their baby princess after his dad, memaw and mom. Kensington Palace tweeted this today:
The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge are delighted to announce that they have named their daughter Charlotte Elizabeth Diana.
All hail Princess Charlie! Charlotte is also Pippa Middleton’s middle name and Elizabeth is also Kate’s mother’s middle name. Kensington Palace said she’ll go by the super casual title of: Her Royal Highness Princess Charlotte of Cambridge. I’m going to tell myself that they really named her Charlotte after Charlotte Rae.
The name Charlotte Elizabeth Diana is every layer of posh. Charlotte Elizabeth sounds like the name of the floral bedding company that is Laura Ashley’s main rival. Charlotte, Elizabeth and Diana also sound like the names of the three rich sorority girls who headed a campaign to get Lilly Pulitzer to pull the line they did for Target, because they can’t stand and watch their beloved rich girl brand cheapen itself by collaborating with a store where the poors shop. The name of the baby princess should make you want to curtsy and bow your head like a commoner when you say it, so Charlotte Diana Elizabeth is perfect.
And it’s going to be a little awkward for Princess Charlotte when she takes the “Which Sex And The City Character Are You?” quiz on Buzzfeed and gets “You’re a Miranda.“
Go ahead and yank me off stage with a Vaudeville hook for that headline.
People says that after what feels like YEARS of talking about it, Jessica Biel finally gave birth to Justin Timberlake’s tiny Top Ramen-haired fetus that was growing in her baby maker. Reps for both Justin and Jessica have confirmed that they’re the parents of a little boy named Silas Randall Timberlake. Both Jessica and Silas are doing a-ok and Justin is “ecstatic”.
Nothing else is known about the birth, but I’m sure after it happened, Justin Timberlake started running around the hospital screaming “I’m a dad, I’m a dad, I’m a daAaAAaAaAaaAaAaAd!!!” in that falsetto dog whistle voice of his while Unky Joey Fatone sat there in the waiting room, paws-deep in a bag of vending machine Fritos, thinking “I wonder if he wants someone to sing the bass on that? Eh, he’s fine.”
I’m completely shocked that Justin Timblerlake didn’t name his son Justin Timberlake Jr., but then again, we don’t know if he tried and Jessica stopped him before he could submit the baby’s birth certificate. Instead, they paid tribute to Justin’s Tennessee roots by giving him the name of an old tymey moonshiner from the Appalachian mountains. Do y’all need something special for your next hootenanny? Just holler on over to Silas Timberlake, he’ll be happy to hook you up with some top-shelf jug whiskey for 2 squirrels and a slice of corn pone.
Seen above wearing a headband with her name on it so her parents can easily remember which one of their 200 children she is, Jill Duggar was officially christened as the newest Duggar-brand baby machine on Easter Monday when her first child was pulled out of her body. Jill is a student midwife so she wanted to have her first of 10,000 kids at home, but since her baby was around 2 weeks overdue (Dude did not want to come out. Do you blame him?) she had to have him in a hospital. I don’t whether or not that baby is already over it or he’s saying “naaaaah” after opening his little eyes for a second and seeing his grown mom’s monogrammed headband.
People says that Jill Duggar’s husband of a year Derick Dillard, who kind of looks like a Shrinky Dink Aaron Rodgers to me, was nice enough to take a break from trying to run over cats with his sled to be with his wife in the hospital. In case you couldn’t tell by his t-shirt, they’re really into Israel and they’re so into Israel that they named their son Israel. The entire Middle East just joined together for the first time in centuries to collectively throw a look of judgement at these messes. via People
Not one year after being the first of the Duggar girls to tie the knot, Jill and husband Derick Dillard welcomed baby Israel David on April 6.
Weighing in at 9 lbs., 10 oz., Jill and Derick’s first child arrived at 11:49 p.m. Monday night.
Condolences to those of you with I names. That Josh Duggar dude has already claimed the letter M for his future child army, so I feel your pain. The Duggars have already wrapped their hands around the letter J, they’ve almost claimed the letter M and now they’re coming for I. They’re going to make the entire English alphabet their bitch. It won’t be long before Jill Duggar births out little Ireland, Indiana, Igor, Inga, Ichabod, Isis, Icant, Intolerancia, IcantcomeupwithanymoreInames and on and on and on….
Pilot Inspektor, Moxie Crimefighter, Zuma Nesta Rock, Bronx Mowgli, Jermajesty Jackson, Kal-El Cage, Diva Thin Muffin Pigeen Zappa, Blue Ivy Carter, Buddy Bear Maurice, Audio Science and Bluebell Madonna better welcome the newest edition to the Bashit Crazy Celebrity Baby Names Club. Sam Worthington, that Australian action star dude who isn’t Chris Hemsworth, and his wife of less than a year Lara Bingle became parents last week and they have kept their lips shut about what they named their kid. But Page Six claims to know what name Sam and Lara wrote on the birth certificate and if birth certificates had eyes, that one would’ve side-eyed those messes to Hell and back. Sam and Lara gave their son a name he’ll probably love until he’s about 8 and realizes he has a name that sounds like something Astro Boy would name his dog. via P6
“Avatar” actor Sam Worthington and model Lara Bingle gave birth to a baby boy in Los Angeles last week, but have kept mum on his name.
But sources tell us the little guy is heroically named Rocket Zot Worthington.
“Zot” is the nickname of Sam’s father, Ronald Worthington.
ROCKET ZOT WORTHINGTON!
Sam Worthington’s last name is Worthington, so he missed a wonderful opportunity to pay tribute to Cal Worthington (that name will only mean something to you if you lived on the West Coast in the 70s and 80s) by naming his son Spot Worthington.
Rocket Zot sounds like the name of a rejected Flash Gordon character. It sounds like a raver name from the 90s. When I first saw the name, I read it as “Pocket THOT“ for a split second and “Pocket THOT” sounds like the name of a pocket-sized doll from the makers of Bratz. On that note, I think I love that name. And when Rocket Zot gets older, he and Pilot Inspektor can start a space-themed music duo called Mission: The Fuck Is Our Names.
After being pregnant for what felt like 4 years (I could have sworn her knocked-up announcement came out the same day Britney’s “Till The World Ends” was released), UsWeekly says that model/actress/semi-professional Alice from Resident Evil cosplayer Milla Jovovich gave birth to the baby growing inside of her earlier today. Milla and her husband Paul “Not the Boogie Nights one” Anderson are now the parents of a 7lb. 10oz. baby girl. I was crossing my fingers Milla made the smart decision and named her new baby Rouge Pulp, but UsWeekly says her name is Dashiel Eden. They already have a 7-year-old daughter named Ever Gabo.
Milla and Paul have chosen the most random names for their kids. Dashiel Eden sounds like the name of the summer cottage the Crawley family escapes to when Downton Abbey is being fumigated for bugs, while Ever and Dashiel sounds like the fancy Beverly Hills bedding store where Snobby Saleswoman #2’s sister works. Not to mention that Dashiel will probably get shortened down to Dash, which is truly tragic, because as we all know DASH is the name of the Kardashian’s jank clothing store. See, these are the things you have to consider before you name a baby.
And if you want to see what Milla looked like before she gave birth, here’s a very knocked-up Milla and her husband and their dogs going for a hike a few weeks ago. I can totally relate to those tiny poochies getting carried back to the car by Paul (hiking makes me tie-tie too).
Pics: Splash, Wenn.com
The muscled-up sensitive chanteuse became a third-time daddy last week when his girlfriend Paloma Jimenez birthed out their daughter. They already have a 6-year-old daughter named Hania and a 4-year-old son named Vincent together. Vin didn’t immediately slip out his third kid’s name, but while promoting Fast and Furious I Lost Track Of What Number They’re On during an interview with Natalie Morales for Today, he told her his daughter’s name.
I was secretly hoping that Vin (born name: Mark Vincent Sinclair) would pay tribute to himself with his daughter’s name by naming her Vinilla Diesel. (Note: I’m pretty sure Vinilla Diesel is the name of a Sativa strain that my local weed shop sells.) Vin didn’t name his daughter Vinilla Diesel, because he named her after his late soul brother and friend Paul Walker. Vin said this to Natalie:
“I’m telling you this, because I love you, Natalie. You know I really do. I know you’re a good soul and I know that this is in good hands. But while I was in the hospital… The name that I will give you is… I named her Pauline. There’s no other person that I was thinking about as I was cutting the umbilical cord. I knew he was there and it felt like a way to keep his memory a part of my family, a part of my world.”
So Vin is holding his newborn baby in front of Paloma who was probably spread-eagle and huffing and puffing because she just gave birth to a human, and he thinks of Paul Walker? What is Paloma? The chopped liver who just carried his kid for 9 months and gave birth to her! No, I know what Vin meant and naming his daughter after Paul is sweet and touching. Paul is probably always with Vin, which is why Paloma didn’t think it was weird when he shouted, “This one’s for you, brotha,” as he shot the load of baby batter that knocked her up.
And today I learned that Jessica Paré’s baby daddy John Kastner sort of looks like what you’d get if that sneaky snake Pete Campbell got Don Draper hooked on peyote and abandoned him at a spiritual retreat in the desert during a SCDP business trip. Oh shit, did I just spoil the ending to Man Men for myself?
But back to Megan from Mad Men. For those of you thinking “Wait, Megan from Mad Men was pregnant?” – yes she was, and yesterday her boyfriend posted a picture of his 8-year-old daughter holding the baby they made together to Instagram with the caption:
“Please meet Blues Anthony Paré Kastner…“
This is Jessica’s first kid and John’s second.
Jessica and John (born name: Jean-Guy) are both French Canadian, so I’m personally shocked that they didn’t name their new baby something ultra-Québécois. I’m barely 1/16th French Canadian, but every time I think about naming something like a fish or a plant, my mind immediately goes to Céline or Étienne or Jean-Luc Guy de la Guy. But Blues is fine, I guess. Also if you switch his names around, you get Tony Blues, which sounds like the name of a street tough in a movie about 1950s denim gangs, and let’s be honest – that’s a pretty cool nickname.
And maybe if Baby Blues is lucky, his first stop on his way home from the hospital will be to visit mommy’s hot pretend husband Jon Hamm. Is it weird that I just wished I could pull a Freaky Friday with a baby?
And no, it’s not “Not Chris Brown’s Baby“, which is what it probably wishes it could legally change it to. According to TMZ, the 9-month-old baby that Chris Brown made with a model named Nia is called Royalty. Raise your hand if you too just got a craving for some Royal Milk Tea. TMZ doesn’t say whether or not the baby has her daddy’s last name, but I hope she does, because Royalty Brown kind of sounds like the name of a fancy British drag queen, and I can get behind that 100%.
As of yesterday, it was still sort of up in the air as to the DNA status of Chris Brown’s alleged baby. But the mystery is solved! TMZ says that Chris and Nia both took paternity tests last week, and in the immortal words of Maury Povich, he IS the father (sorry Royalty). They’re also saying that Royalty lives with her mommy in Texas, so Chris has agreed to fly out there on the regular and help raise her (again, sorry Royalty) and has arranged some sort of child support agreement. Wait, is Chris Brown even allowed to cross state lines? I know he’s not allowed to cross the border. Someone better call his probation officer and ask.
But when he does book his ticket on the baby daddy express to Texas, he should just buy one, since it looks like he won’t need a second boarding pass for his former piece Karrueche Tran. I know it’s only been 24 hours since they broke up, but in Karreuche Tran/Chris Brown break-up time, that’s like 16 months. Here’s a single-and-ready-to-mingle Karrueche hitting the club and looking for her next Chris Brown last night: