Go ahead and yank me off stage with a Vaudeville hook for that headline.
People says that after what feels like YEARS of talking about it, Jessica Biel finally gave birth to Justin Timberlake’s tiny Top Ramen-haired fetus that was growing in her baby maker. Reps for both Justin and Jessica have confirmed that they’re the parents of a little boy named Silas Randall Timberlake. Both Jessica and Silas are doing a-ok and Justin is “ecstatic”.
Nothing else is known about the birth, but I’m sure after it happened, Justin Timberlake started running around the hospital screaming “I’m a dad, I’m a dad, I’m a daAaAAaAaAaaAaAaAd!!!” in that falsetto dog whistle voice of his while Unky Joey Fatone sat there in the waiting room, paws-deep in a bag of vending machine Fritos, thinking “I wonder if he wants someone to sing the bass on that? Eh, he’s fine.”
I’m completely shocked that Justin Timblerlake didn’t name his son Justin Timberlake Jr., but then again, we don’t know if he tried and Jessica stopped him before he could submit the baby’s birth certificate. Instead, they paid tribute to Justin’s Tennessee roots by giving him the name of an old tymey moonshiner from the Appalachian mountains. Do y’all need something special for your next hootenanny? Just holler on over to Silas Timberlake, he’ll be happy to hook you up with some top-shelf jug whiskey for 2 squirrels and a slice of corn pone.
Seen above wearing a headband with her name on it so her parents can easily remember which one of their 200 children she is, Jill Duggar was officially christened as the newest Duggar-brand baby machine on Easter Monday when her first child was pulled out of her body. Jill is a student midwife so she wanted to have her first of 10,000 kids at home, but since her baby was around 2 weeks overdue (Dude did not want to come out. Do you blame him?) she had to have him in a hospital. I don’t whether or not that baby is already over it or he’s saying “naaaaah” after opening his little eyes for a second and seeing his grown mom’s monogrammed headband.
People says that Jill Duggar’s husband of a year Derick Dillard, who kind of looks like a Shrinky Dink Aaron Rodgers to me, was nice enough to take a break from trying to run over cats with his sled to be with his wife in the hospital. In case you couldn’t tell by his t-shirt, they’re really into Israel and they’re so into Israel that they named their son Israel. The entire Middle East just joined together for the first time in centuries to collectively throw a look of judgement at these messes. via People
Not one year after being the first of the Duggar girls to tie the knot, Jill and husband Derick Dillard welcomed baby Israel David on April 6.
Weighing in at 9 lbs., 10 oz., Jill and Derick’s first child arrived at 11:49 p.m. Monday night.
Condolences to those of you with I names. That Josh Duggar dude has already claimed the letter M for his future child army, so I feel your pain. The Duggars have already wrapped their hands around the letter J, they’ve almost claimed the letter M and now they’re coming for I. They’re going to make the entire English alphabet their bitch. It won’t be long before Jill Duggar births out little Ireland, Indiana, Igor, Inga, Ichabod, Isis, Icant, Intolerancia, IcantcomeupwithanymoreInames and on and on and on….
Pilot Inspektor, Moxie Crimefighter, Zuma Nesta Rock, Bronx Mowgli, Jermajesty Jackson, Kal-El Cage, Diva Thin Muffin Pigeen Zappa, Blue Ivy Carter, Buddy Bear Maurice, Audio Science and Bluebell Madonna better welcome the newest edition to the Bashit Crazy Celebrity Baby Names Club. Sam Worthington, that Australian action star dude who isn’t Chris Hemsworth, and his wife of less than a year Lara Bingle became parents last week and they have kept their lips shut about what they named their kid. But Page Six claims to know what name Sam and Lara wrote on the birth certificate and if birth certificates had eyes, that one would’ve side-eyed those messes to Hell and back. Sam and Lara gave their son a name he’ll probably love until he’s about 8 and realizes he has a name that sounds like something Astro Boy would name his dog. via P6
“Avatar” actor Sam Worthington and model Lara Bingle gave birth to a baby boy in Los Angeles last week, but have kept mum on his name.
But sources tell us the little guy is heroically named Rocket Zot Worthington.
“Zot” is the nickname of Sam’s father, Ronald Worthington.
ROCKET ZOT WORTHINGTON!
Sam Worthington’s last name is Worthington, so he missed a wonderful opportunity to pay tribute to Cal Worthington (that name will only mean something to you if you lived on the West Coast in the 70s and 80s) by naming his son Spot Worthington.
Rocket Zot sounds like the name of a rejected Flash Gordon character. It sounds like a raver name from the 90s. When I first saw the name, I read it as “Pocket THOT“ for a split second and “Pocket THOT” sounds like the name of a pocket-sized doll from the makers of Bratz. On that note, I think I love that name. And when Rocket Zot gets older, he and Pilot Inspektor can start a space-themed music duo called Mission: The Fuck Is Our Names.
After being pregnant for what felt like 4 years (I could have sworn her knocked-up announcement came out the same day Britney’s “Till The World Ends” was released), UsWeekly says that model/actress/semi-professional Alice from Resident Evil cosplayer Milla Jovovich gave birth to the baby growing inside of her earlier today. Milla and her husband Paul “Not the Boogie Nights one” Anderson are now the parents of a 7lb. 10oz. baby girl. I was crossing my fingers Milla made the smart decision and named her new baby Rouge Pulp, but UsWeekly says her name is Dashiel Eden. They already have a 7-year-old daughter named Ever Gabo.
Milla and Paul have chosen the most random names for their kids. Dashiel Eden sounds like the name of the summer cottage the Crawley family escapes to when Downton Abbey is being fumigated for bugs, while Ever and Dashiel sounds like the fancy Beverly Hills bedding store where Snobby Saleswoman #2′s sister works. Not to mention that Dashiel will probably get shortened down to Dash, which is truly tragic, because as we all know DASH is the name of the Kardashian’s jank clothing store. See, these are the things you have to consider before you name a baby.
And if you want to see what Milla looked like before she gave birth, here’s a very knocked-up Milla and her husband and their dogs going for a hike a few weeks ago. I can totally relate to those tiny poochies getting carried back to the car by Paul (hiking makes me tie-tie too).
Pics: Splash, Wenn.com
The muscled-up sensitive chanteuse became a third-time daddy last week when his girlfriend Paloma Jimenez birthed out their daughter. They already have a 6-year-old daughter named Hania and a 4-year-old son named Vincent together. Vin didn’t immediately slip out his third kid’s name, but while promoting Fast and Furious I Lost Track Of What Number They’re On during an interview with Natalie Morales for Today, he told her his daughter’s name.
I was secretly hoping that Vin (born name: Mark Vincent Sinclair) would pay tribute to himself with his daughter’s name by naming her Vinilla Diesel. (Note: I’m pretty sure Vinilla Diesel is the name of a Sativa strain that my local weed shop sells.) Vin didn’t name his daughter Vinilla Diesel, because he named her after his late soul brother and friend Paul Walker. Vin said this to Natalie:
“I’m telling you this, because I love you, Natalie. You know I really do. I know you’re a good soul and I know that this is in good hands. But while I was in the hospital… The name that I will give you is… I named her Pauline. There’s no other person that I was thinking about as I was cutting the umbilical cord. I knew he was there and it felt like a way to keep his memory a part of my family, a part of my world.”
So Vin is holding his newborn baby in front of Paloma who was probably spread-eagle and huffing and puffing because she just gave birth to a human, and he thinks of Paul Walker? What is Paloma? The chopped liver who just carried his kid for 9 months and gave birth to her! No, I know what Vin meant and naming his daughter after Paul is sweet and touching. Paul is probably always with Vin, which is why Paloma didn’t think it was weird when he shouted, “This one’s for you, brotha,” as he shot the load of baby batter that knocked her up.
And today I learned that Jessica Paré’s baby daddy John Kastner sort of looks like what you’d get if that sneaky snake Pete Campbell got Don Draper hooked on peyote and abandoned him at a spiritual retreat in the desert during a SCDP business trip. Oh shit, did I just spoil the ending to Man Men for myself?
But back to Megan from Mad Men. For those of you thinking “Wait, Megan from Mad Men was pregnant?” – yes she was, and yesterday her boyfriend posted a picture of his 8-year-old daughter holding the baby they made together to Instagram with the caption:
“Please meet Blues Anthony Paré Kastner…“
This is Jessica’s first kid and John’s second.
Jessica and John (born name: Jean-Guy) are both French Canadian, so I’m personally shocked that they didn’t name their new baby something ultra-Québécois. I’m barely 1/16th French Canadian, but every time I think about naming something like a fish or a plant, my mind immediately goes to Céline or Étienne or Jean-Luc Guy de la Guy. But Blues is fine, I guess. Also if you switch his names around, you get Tony Blues, which sounds like the name of a street tough in a movie about 1950s denim gangs, and let’s be honest – that’s a pretty cool nickname.
And maybe if Baby Blues is lucky, his first stop on his way home from the hospital will be to visit mommy’s hot pretend husband Jon Hamm. Is it weird that I just wished I could pull a Freaky Friday with a baby?
And no, it’s not “Not Chris Brown’s Baby“, which is what it probably wishes it could legally change it to. According to TMZ, the 9-month-old baby that Chris Brown made with a model named Nia is called Royalty. Raise your hand if you too just got a craving for some Royal Milk Tea. TMZ doesn’t say whether or not the baby has her daddy’s last name, but I hope she does, because Royalty Brown kind of sounds like the name of a fancy British drag queen, and I can get behind that 100%.
As of yesterday, it was still sort of up in the air as to the DNA status of Chris Brown’s alleged baby. But the mystery is solved! TMZ says that Chris and Nia both took paternity tests last week, and in the immortal words of Maury Povich, he IS the father (sorry Royalty). They’re also saying that Royalty lives with her mommy in Texas, so Chris has agreed to fly out there on the regular and help raise her (again, sorry Royalty) and has arranged some sort of child support agreement. Wait, is Chris Brown even allowed to cross state lines? I know he’s not allowed to cross the border. Someone better call his probation officer and ask.
But when he does book his ticket on the baby daddy express to Texas, he should just buy one, since it looks like he won’t need a second boarding pass for his former piece Karrueche Tran. I know it’s only been 24 hours since they broke up, but in Karreuche Tran/Chris Brown break-up time, that’s like 16 months. Here’s a single-and-ready-to-mingle Karrueche hitting the club and looking for her next Chris Brown last night:
After what felt like a 16-month pregnancy, Carrie Underwood has finally given birth to the baby put inside her by her Canadian hockey husband Mike Fisher. Carrie announced the news that she gave birth to a baby boy on Instagram by posting a picture of a tiny baby hand with the caption: “Tiny hands and tiny feet…God has blessed us with an amazing gift! Isaiah Michael Fisher – born on February 27. Welcome to the world, sweet angel!”
I’m guessing she’s saving a real picture of her baby for whatever magazine cover she lands on proclaiming MY BABY JOY or MEET MY MIRACLE as her baby makes a confused “what is happening?” face.
Carrie is both a famous type and a country girl, and Mike is a famous type hockey dude, so I even though I didn’t really care one way or another, I just assumed they’d name their baby something like Waylon Windchimes Gordie. But they went with Isaiah Michael, which is surprisingly normal and boring for two famous types. Eh, good for them – I suppose not every baby that falls out of a famous vagina has to be a Sporaticus Alphonsé or a Parsley Williamsburg Turntable.
If Linda Perry asked the question “What’s going on?” anytime last Saturday, the answer shouted back at her was probably “Your wife’s cervix is 4 centimeters dilated.” According to The Daily Mail, Sara Gilbert spent her Saturday birthing out the baby boy that was chilling out inside her for the past 9 months. This is Sara and Linda’s first baby together, and they’ve named him Rhodes Emilio Gilbert Perry. Sara also has two kids from a previous relationship, a 10-year-old son named Levi and a 7-year-old daughter named Sawyer.
I don’t know if Linda and Sara will refer to their baby as Rhodes or Rhodes Emilio, but I hope they go formal and refer to him as Rhodes Gilbert Perry. Rhodes Gilbert Perry sounds like the name of an old money character from a movie about a messy party slob son who inherits his father’s snobby country club. Rhodes Gilbert Perry’s best friend is Franklin Franklinton III, and they don’t understand what pizza is.
Then again, I’m sure he’s nothing like this Rhodes Gilbert Perry character I’ve invented. Baby Rhodes no doubt spent his 9 months on the inside absorbing as much cool from Mommy Linda as possible. I wouldn’t doubt you if you told me slid out of Sara’s womb wearing an infant-sized necklace out of a set of vintage bronze keys and a knit beanie while riffing on a tiny Les Paul guitar. I don’t know how he got it up there, but leave it to a cool baby to find a way.
And if you want to see what it would look like if Darlene from Roseanne tried to steal a basketball for David, here’s Sara a couple weeks ago before she gave birth:
Stop whatever it is you’re doing, because this is EXTRA EXTRA BREAKING NEWS. Surgeons, put down your scalpels – that liver transplant will have to wait a moment, because this is very important. Because Blake Lively is still searching for the perfect Civil War-era Chantilly lace baby bonnet and an 18th century daguerreotype photographer, she has yet to introduce the world to the 2-month-old baby girl she made with Ryan Reynolds. So far, Bland’s baby is a mystery, right down to the name.
Some people thought her name was Violet, but Ryan said that was a lie. But according to E!, everyone can stop guessing the names of random flowers and field herbs, because a source has told them that the Lively-Reynolds baby is named James. Is it just me, or does Blake, Ryan, and James sound like the names of three dudes who got kicked out of their frat house for digging a home-made swimming pool into the front yard?
Bland and Van Wilder haven’t commented on whether or not that’s what they named their baby, and until someone from the new baby name office releases a picture of themselves holding up a birth certificate that says JAMES LIVELY REYNOLDS in one hand and a newspaper with today’s date on it in the other, we can’t be sure what the hell they named their baby. So don’t count yourself out if you had $20 on Apothecary Milkthistle in your office’s Blake Lively Baby Name Pool.