Nick Cannon became a father for the third time yesterday when his one-time piece, former Miss Arizona USA Brittany Bell, gave birth to their baby boy. Nick’s twins with Mariah Carey are named Moroccan and Monroe, so I thought that maybe he’d keep with the “Mo” theme and name his third child MONAY. Nick didn’t do that, but he did name his son after a currency, sort of.
When 53-year-old David Cross and 33-year-old Amber Tamblyn first announced that they were expecting a baby, they did it in a serious way. Amber slipped the news into a super-serious, pro-Hillary Clinton essay she wrote for Glamour magazine. Amber recently had their baby and instead of getting serious, they announced the news in a funnier way. Specifically by making a joke about their daughter’s “name.”
That name is obviously fake, because Amber is best friends with Blake Lively. At least four of those eight random words are on Blake’s fancy-sounding future baby names list, and Amber would never steal that many names from her friend. Sure, maybe Mustard was changed from the more elegant Moutarde, but the general idea is still there. Members of the sisterhood of the traveling pants would never.
Although, this is a Hollywood baby born to two wacky hipster parents, which means there is a chance that baby is actually named Dauphinoise Petunia Brittany Scheherazade Von Funkinstein Mustard Witch RBG Cross Tamblyn-Bey Jr. (“Noisey for short!“). If so, the nurse on duty probably didn’t even bat an eye when she filled out their birth certificate. Nurses for famous people have seen it all.
Which of course means it’s only a matter of time before the dramatic custody battle begins. But for now let’s just enjoy this simple moment in between when nothing dramatic or awful is happening. Keshia Knight Pulliam announced yesterday on Instagram that she gave birth to the baby girl she made with her soon-to-be ex-husband Ed Hartwell. Keshia named her new baby the same thing that 98% of your friends from Facebook named their daughter, which is Ella Grace.
Ed Hartwell has remained social media silent on the birth of his daughter. Although that’s not a huge shock. A week after Keshia announced she was knocked up, Ed filed for divorce and demanded a paternity test. Keshia responded by swearing to Entertainment Tonight that the only person who cheated during their six-month marriage was Ed. She then accused Ed of plotting against her baby and attempting to trigger a miscarriage (something Ed denied while also calling Keshia a money-grabbing stunt queen).
That’s a whole lot of MESS to pack into nine months. I can only imagine what Keshia and Ed will be able to do with eighteen years. Ed will start by demanding a second opinion on that paternity test as his family and ex-wife continue to hiss at Keshia on social media. Keshia will respond by running to the media and accusing Ed of something diabolical, like attempting to make his child support payments in pennies. And while they’re doing that, Baby Ella Grace will be flipping through pictures of people from Keshia’s past with the hope that one of them might temporarily adopt her until her parents figure their shit out. “Hmmm…definitely not that creepy old guy, not that lady either. I’m thinking Lisa Bonet. She seems cool.”
January 21st was Baby Spice’s birthday, and it was also the day that Ginger Spice gave birth to her second child, a son she made with her husband Christian Horner. Since Ginger birthed out a baby on Baby’s birthday, she should’ve paid tribute to Emma Bunton by naming her son Blond Pigtails Horner or Platform Sneakers Horner. But instead, Ginger and Christian got all Shakespearean with their kid’s name.
It felt like Katherine Heigl was pregnant for way longer than the average woman is pregnant. Now we know that she did give birth, it just happened last month. Oh well, that extra time was probably appreciated by Katherine’s biggest fan Shonda Rhimes, who used that additional month to put together a really nice gift basket to go with the card she sent that says: “Good luck kid, xoxo Aunty Shondie.”
A rep for Katherine and her husband Josh Kelley confirmed the news to People that she gave birth to their third child on December 20th. She had a little boy that they named Joshua Bishop Kelley Jr. Josh Jr. joins a group of celebrity kids who I hope one day write a tell-all, which includes Katherine and Josh’s adopted daughters, 8-year-old Naleigh Moon and 4-year-old Adelaide Marie Hope.
I have no idea why Katherine decided to keep the birth of Josh Jr. a secret for so long. I know Katherine Heigl isn’t getting those front-page People covers anymore, but she does have a blog. I guess I just assumed she would have announced Baby Josh Jr.s birth there (she only talked about the baby shower, which sort of looked like a fancy retirement party for a rich lady florist). Maybe she’s waiting to debut Baby Josh Jr. in her next kitty litter commercial. It would be the purrrrfect tie-in for a litter designed specifically for kittens.
Just when I thought that today’s “news” day was going to be drier than a cooch after seeing that shot of Joseph Fiennes as Michael Jackson, I came across some red alarm-worthy news about The Fat Jew (Google him, you dumb fuck) and Wendy Williams.