Because we as humans always focus on things that are highly importantly in this world, many have been spending their time on trying to figure out what Kylie Jenner named her new daughter. Kylie and her man Travis Scott (government name: Jacques Webster) are really into butterflies (he’s got a song called Butterfly Effect and they’ve got matching butterfly tattoos), so some figured that they’d give their child a butterfly name. Like Butterfly or Monarch or Mariposa (Spanish for butterfly). But instead of going that route, Kylie and Travis gave their daughter the name of a stripper who’s got a butterfly tattoo on her lower back.
We may have to wait another two months to see the first pictures of Kim Kardashian and Kanye West’s third baby, but Kim and Kanye clearly know the only thing people really care about is what beyond-ridiculous name they went with. After a four day wait, Kim revealed on her website today that she and Kanye decided to name their daughter – a human child, I remind you – Chicago West. On the bright side, if they want to buy little Chicago a monogrammed t-shirt or mug, they don’t have to look much farther than the The CW’s online store.
Khloe Kardashian is a mere three months from giving birth to her first child, and I’m sure you’ve been foaming at the mouth trying to figure out what name she and her baby daddy Tristan Thompson will write on the birth certificate. Well the wait is about half over.
Khloe, looking like Princess Frostine’s tacky Calabasas cousin Lady Canned Frosting, appeared on today’s episode of Ellen. After dodging questions about Kylie Jenner’s rumored pregnancy, she broke the news about what she was going to call her baby. If it’s a boy, Khloe will pull out all the creative baby name stops by calling him Tristan Junior. She’s not so sure what she’ll call her baby if it’s a girl, but she does know that she’s either going to stick with the family’s tradition of K names, or possibly start a T theme.
Khloe will reveal the sex of her baby on Keeping Up with the Kardashians, which means she already knows what she’s having. There’s a rumor that she’s having a boy. It’s looking doubtful that she’ll pop out a girl and give her a K name that speaks to their special mommy-daughter relationship, complete with a little bogus accent on the end. So I guess whoever had Keepingmommyrelevanté can crumple up that option and throw it in the trash.
But Tristan Jr.? In a family that counts children named North, Reign, Saint, Dream, that’s got to be the most normal, basic offering. Khloe’s doing nothing to kill that conspiracy theory that she’s not a real Kardashian. A real Kardashian wouldn’t think twice about naming their kid something ridiculous like Twerk or Turnt.
Here’s a pregnant Khloe at LAX yesterday.
Jessica Alba and her husband Cash Warren rang in the New Year to the ear-piercing sound of crying and screaming. But unlike you or I, those sounds didn’t come from the biggest drunk at a New Year’s Eve party after they stepped in a puddle of unknown origin. Theirs was the sound of their third baby being born. People says that Jessica and Cash announced the arrival of their first son on Instagram. Hayes Alba Warren was born on December 31st.
Hayes joins Jessica and Cash’s two other kids, Honor Marie (9) and Haven Garner (6). So just like I predicted back when she announced her third pregnancy, Jessica and Cash kept the H theme going. Hayes Warren sounds like a brand of boat shoes sold exclusively at a yacht dealership. Plus it could always be worse: Jessica and Cash could have fallen victim to Hollywood baby naming conventions and spelled it wacky, like Haiyzze. But not Haze. I think we can all agree that the world only needs one Hollywood spawn named Haze.
People says that Nicky Hilton gave birth to her and her husband James Rothschild’s second daughter on Wednesday in New York City. She also confirmed the news on Twitter, and let everyone know what the new baby’s name is.
Christmas came early! On December 20th James and I welcomed a baby girl, Teddy Rothschild into the world. Feeling very blessed this holiday season.
— Nicky Rothschild (@NickyHilton) December 22, 2017
People says that her full name is Teddy Marilyn Rothschild. Nicky’s family all flew in to New York for the birth, and that Nicky and James are “so happy” to give their 17-month old daughter Lily-Grace a baby sister.
I thought Nicky’s first daughter had a fancy name, but Lily-Grace Victoria is nothing. That’s your standard rich person name. Teddy Marilyn is next-level rich. That’s the name of an old money socialite who owns most of 5th Avenue between 64th and 65th, drinks lunch every day with Buffy and Bitsy, and guesses that a loaf of bread costs $80. A quick glance at Nicky’s Instagram shows she and her husband are cat people. She and James better get New Baby Teddy used to dogs, and quick. Because there’s no way a person named Teddy Rothschild doesn’t grow up to leave all her billions to a spoiled white poodle named Madame Scrumptious.
Sean Combs aka P. Diddy aka Puff Daddy aka Puffy aka Stay Puffed (which clearly he do be) announced that’s he’s changing his name up once again. The artist formally known as “Biggie’s ‘Lil Friend” shall now be referred to as Love. You may also call him Brother Love. Please update your contacts lists accordingly. If you have a P. Diddy tattoo, make an appointment with the laser surgeon. Brother Love will no longer be responding to those other names so don’t even try it. You’ll only embarrass yourself.