When Eva Mendes popped out the kid she made with hunky Canadian goose Ryan Gosling, I waited in anticipation for what they would name it. Ryan has the hand-carved artisanal heart of a cabin-dwelling hipster and I was fully expecting something like Dusty Window or Moonshine Mason-Jar or Fable Braid. Unfortunately, it sounds like Ryan took a shirtless hottie nap while Eva named the baby, because their baby’s name sounds nothing like something you’d hear shouted at an organic farmer’s market in Park Slope (“Finnegan Shadows, please stop touching the free-range kale.”)
According to a birth certificate obtained by TMZ, Ryan and Eva named their baby Esmeralda Amada. Eva played a character named Amada in We Own The Night, but that’s literally the only explanation for that name. Eva and Ryan are all about the Shhhh, so who knows if they chose family names or are just big fans of Disney’s The Hunchback of Notre Dame. Regardless I love it because:
1. Amada sounds like Ramada, which as we all know is the classiest of budget hotels (actually, Ramada would be a totally hot name)
2. Esmeralda can easily turn into Mesmerize for when she goes through that inevitable sassy middle schooler phase
3. Esmeralda Mendes-Gosling sounds like the owner of a very successful high-end modeling agency from an 80s daytime soap opera set in New Mexico (Hot Sun, Hot Bodies)
But as much as I like the name Esmeralda Amada, I really wish they’d gone with something like Esmeralda Grace or Esmeralda Guadalupe, because it would have given me eternal life if Ryan Gosling’s baby’s initials had been EGG.
I bet the hospital doesn’t even require fathers to wear the mask; they just gave it to him to limit the number of toxic douche germs that exit his mouth when he talks. It is a hospital, after all. Gotta keep that shit clean.
UsWeekly says it’s time for us to pop a bottle of champagne and flash our tits for some celebratory beads, because the human drug-resistant UTI that is Joe Francis is now somebody’s daddy, and not in the gross “Who’s your daddy?” way. Joe’s bobo Amy Smart-looking girlfriend and former Girl Gone Wild Abbey Wilson gave birth to the couple’s daughters on Tuesday in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico. Joe and Abbey announced the birth of their daughters by releasing a DVD called GIRLS GONE WILD PRESENTS: TWO GIRLS DESTROYING ONE FORMER GIRLS GONE WILD GIRL’S VAGINA. No! They didn’t do that (I don’t think Joe is legally allowed to use the GGW name anymore). They announced it on Instagram.
Joe and Abbey’s new babies – or as Joe calls them “See? I’m not a predatory douchebag, I have two daughters!” – are named Alexandria Claire and Athena Olivia Francis. Which is so bizarre to me, because I was so sure they’d go with something a little more Girls Gone Wild-y, like Nikki and Tiffani. Regardless of what they names their babies, Joe’s partner-in-satan Pimp Mama Kris will no doubt change them to something more on-brand like Klaire and Kathena when she swoops in like a and starts pimping them out. It’s only a matter of time – Kendall and The Other One are getting old. PMK needs fresh meat. Watch out, Baby Alexandria and Baby Athena! If a half-melted piece of orange silly putty approaches you with a man in red pajamas with a pitchfork asking if you wanna be famous, YOU SAY NO!
And that is the traumatized look from a newborn baby who has just learned that her name is BUNNY.
Before Katie Price gave birth to the baby she made with her cheating skank of a third husband Kieran Hayler, she said that she planned to name her second daughter “Electra” after her idol Carmen Electra. Electra Hayler sounds like the name of a low-budget superhero that The Weather Channel created to be their new mascot. Electra Hayler is kind of a badass name, so of course Katie didn’t name her that. Because Katie is a pink-loving, Disney-obsessed 8 -year-old rich girl trapped in the body of an exquisite Real Doll (I think I just described Holly Madison too), she named her second daughter Bunny. I bet Bunny wishes she could hop her ass to the nearest courthouse to change her name. It could’ve been a lot worse. Katie tells Ok! Magazine that she wanted to name Harvey Price’s new sister Duchess Kate, because her first daughter’s name is Princess.
“We really struggled to decide on a name. I wanted to call her Duchess Kate or just Duchess, but Kieran didn’t like that, so we’ve chosen Bunny, which we both like. It’s really cute, isn’t it? I considered it being spelt Bunni with a heart above the i, but I don’t think that’s really a part of the English language. I love Duchess Kate, though, so I’ve told Kieran that if we have another daughter that will be her name! I think it goes well with Princess. She would have been Duchess Kate of Brighton.”
Princess and Bunny. Katie realizes she’s naming humans and not white teacup Bichons, right? Katie says that they also tossed around the names Disney, Lady, Precious, Bambi and Peggy. THE FUCK? Somebody stop Katie Price before she gives birth to a third daughter and names the poor child Rapunzella Tiara (Actually, that’s kind of a hot name).
But seriously, I sort of kind of like the name Bunny, because it sounds like the name of an Upper East Side socialite who eats a bowl of Xanax for breakfast, brushes her teeth with champagne, sleeps in a Chanel suit and is the inspiration for nearly every character that Christine Baranski has ever played. Bunny is also a good name, because it’s the name of gold-digging trophy wife icon Bunny Lebowski!
So if somebody ever gives Bunny Hayler a look that says “I’m so sorry” after she tells them her name is Bunny Hayler, she should turn that look of pity into a look of jealousy by saying, “I was named after Bunny Lebowski, bitch.“
Us Weekly says that Alyssa Milano, star of Who’s The Boss?, Charmed, and one of the greatest made-for-TV movies ever made, Casualties of Love: The Long Island Lolita Story, has given birth to her second child. A rep for Alyssa Milano (every time I write that I get a craving for a delicious Pepperidge Farms sandwich cookie) confirmed that earlier today she pushed out a little girl that her and her husband David Bugliari have named Elizabella Dylan Bugliari. They already have a 3-year-old son named Milo Thomas.
Alyssa Mint Milano Cookies named her first kid something pretty normal and safe, so I’m glad she went a little more dramatic with the second one. “Elizabella Bugliari” sounds like an Italian supermodel-turned-professional ruthless gold digger from a 1980′s Primetime TV drama about high-stakes finance. I love it! Elizabella is barely an hour old and already I’m terrified of her; she sounds so glamorous and calculating. I bet she came out of her Alyssa Milano’s uterus wearing patent leather pumps. You can’t trust Elizabella Bugliari – she’ll steal your goldfish crackers AND your man!
“Elizabella Bugliari” also sounds like the name Samantha Micelli would pick for her fake ID. I can just picture Tony confronting her in the kitchen after finding the fake ID in the pocket of her Jordache jeans. “Come on Suh-man-thuh, I thought I raised you bettuh than this!“
“Hmmm, I really want to give my baby a name that sounds like the name of a scented body glitter marketed exclusively to aspiring strippers and was later pulled off of the shelves after the 2 people who bought it for 50 cents at a T.J. Maxx got a serious rash after using it” is what Xtina said to herself while thinking up names for her first daughter.
Last night, Xtina tweeted the name of her second kid and she didn’t disappoint. Xtina gave her first kid the boring ass, generic name Max, so I was really hoping she’d give her daughter a name that makes everyone say, “Did you name her after the scent of Febreze you were huffing while brainstorming baby names?” Xtina and Matt Rutler gave their kid (ha, I’m acting like he had a say!) the first name “Summer,” which isn’t weird at all. We’ve all known a Summer and every Summer I knew in school said “kewl beanz” way too much, only wore scoop neck t-shirts and brought her lunch in a small Victoria’s Secret shopping bag. The name “Summer” is normal, but throw in “Rain” after it and it suddenly becomes a work of elegance:
SUMMER RAIN! That’s one way for Xtina to out herself as a fan of the Phoenix kids.
The beauty of “Summer Rain” is that it sounds like so many things. It sounds like the name of a discount vagina spray that The Dollar Tree produced itself to compete with Summer’s Eve. It sounds like the name of a third-rate young adult romance novel that was written by Nicholas Sparks’ gardener and was turned into a movie starring Zendaya Coleman and one of the Sprouse twins. It sounds like the name of a Whitesnake rock ballad from the 80s that a Tampa, FL stripper named herself after. It’s perfect!
And “Summer Rain Rutler” sounds like something Scooby-Doo would say on an August day after he left his doghouse without an umbrella and a raindrop fell on his nose. “Summer rain, ruh roh!”
Lil Kim really set the fucked-up celebrity baby names of 2014 bar high when she named her kid Royal Reign, but Omarion kicked the bar down and set it higher than Lolo Jones’ seat at the Beyonce-Jay-Z show. Omarion (that’s “that one kid from B2K” for those of you who remember B2K and “Never heard of him” to those of you don’t remember B2K) is now somebody’s father and he already proved that he should definitely be in charge of another human being by giving his son a name that “THE FUCK?” coughed up. Omarion (born name: Omari Ishmael Grandberry) and his girlfriend, singer type Apryl Jones, are now parents to a little baby boy and yesterday he introduced his kid on Instagram and also let us know that he’s a major contender in the fucked-up celebrity baby name game.
World. Allow me to introduce. MEGAA OMARI GRANDBERRY. He is 7 pounds. 4oz & 20 inches long. My son I’ve been waiting on you. God is the realist!! I witnessed a miracle. My soul mate @aprylsjones is so strong! Not only did she have a un medicated birth (no drugs) she did it at home. Naturally. Just like my mom had me. I love you. thank you for having my legacy. I’ll forever belong to you & you will forever be tied to me. Creating a child takes no love or skill but being a parent requires lots of both. Thanks for watching me grow. #MEGAAhome #OmarionsonMEGAA #donthateonmysonsnameillkillya #Nolol #royalObloodline #blasain #mysongotgoodhair #freshpitthewombhandsom alright. I love y’all
Apryl might’ve had an all-natural, drug-free birth, but I have a feeling that she and Omorion (typo and it ain’t moving) dropped acid before writing their baby’s name on the birth certificate. I mean:
MEGAA OMARI GRANDBERRY????? MEGAA with two As.
Here are 4 things that should be named Megaa Omari Grandberry:
1. A berry in the Pokemon universe that restores 30 HP, but will also give your Pokemon a serious case of the sugar shakes and a migraine. Your Pokemon may or may not combust after eating this berry.
2. A canned protein shake that Whole Foods sells for $19.99 and is later pulled off of the shelves after the FDA finds out that it contains a chemical that causes heart palpitations and diarrhea.
3. A Harry Potter spell that turns regular water into Vitamin Water.
4. A cereal from the 80s that your parents thought was healthy but later found out that each serving has 30 grams of sugar in it. MegaMan was the face of that cereal.
And here is 1 thing that shouldn’t be named Megaa Omari Grandberry:
1. A human baby who will one day realize that his parents named him Megaa Omari Grandberry.
Even though Kelsey Grammer is technically old enough to start picking out lanais to which to retire to with a cold glass of unsweetened sun tea and scratching his balls all day, he’s once again putting it on hold for finding soggy Cheerios mashed into the carpet and making plastic poo sausages in the Diaper Genie. Kelsey confirmed to ET that his 34-year-old wife Kayte gave birth to his sixth child on Tuesday, a little boy they’ve named Kelsey Gabriel Elias Grammer, adding:
“Our son will be called Gabriel as there is a tradition in our family of going by our middle names. We are blessed and excited to have this lovely young man join our family — he is magnificent!”
Hands up if you read the words “he is magnificent” in the smooth baritone voice of Sideshow Bob.
Even though Kelsey has six kids, he’s really only an honorary member of the K-Fed Club. Kelsey didn’t just start popping off pepaw nuts in the past couple of years à la Kevin Federline: Kelsey also has a 2-year-old daughter with Kayte, two children with elegant Beverly Hills freesia blossom Camille Grammer, as well as two adult daughters from two previous relationships.
Congrats to virile pepaw Kelsey Grammer, congrats to his wife Kayte, and congrats to lucky baby Gabriel, who gets to hear Goodnight Moon read to him every night by the relaxing, hypnotic voice of Dr. Frasier Crane.
I just pictured Mugatu responding to this news by saying “Secret babies, so hot right now.” Actress Jenna Fischer and her husband
Jim Halpert Lee Kirk have beaten the previous record of 2 weeks set by Kerry Washington for keeping a Hollywood birth a secret by confirming to E! News that Jenna gave birth to the couple’s second baby on May 25th. I’d say it’s incredible that Jenna was able to keep her secret baby a secret for 3 weeks, but it probably has something to do with the fact that she doesn’t seem like a fame-hungry attention-whore type who would “accidentally” leak exclusive pics of her baby popping its head out of her dilated cervix to TMZ (“That’s a good idea; I’ll keep that in mind for when I have a baby” – Kim Kardashian).
As for the name, Jenna and her husband not-Jim Halpert must be big into that Six Flags old-time photo lifestyle, because they named their new baby girl Harper Marie, and they already have a 2-year-old son named Weston Lee. I hope that time travel is invented in the next 20 years, because Harper Marie and Weston Lee need to fulfill their destiny by going back in time and running a rowdy saloon in the Wild West.
Lil Kim Birthed Out A Baby Girl And Her Newborn Daughter’s First Words Will Be, “Uh, Which Way To The Name Changing Office?”
In a hospital in New Jersey somewhere, Lil Kim is trying to contort her rubber Whoopee cushion face into the look of pure happiness, because today she was reunited with her true loves: BOTOX AND COLLAGEN! Some new mothers scream for their smegma-covered newborn or a bottle of any kind of booze after giving birth, but I’m sure Lil Kim screamed for fillers and syringes full of liquid plastic. Because she’s been without them for much too long. But Lil Kim did find some time in between filling her post-pregnant face full of her life elixir of choice to name her kid. UsWeekly says that after being knocked up for what felt like 30 seconds, the plastic Nermal figurine popped out the baby she made with Mr. Papers in a New Jersey hospital this morning. The name they gave their daughter is perfect if their daughter’s goal in life is to be the headline stripper at an Atlantic City strip club/buffet restaurant that’s known for their Crown Royal-basted barbecue wings.
Lil’ Kim welcomed her daughter at 9:58 a.m. EST in New Jersey, the insider tells Us. The newborn — named Royal Reign — weighed in at 6 pounds, 5 ounces, and measured 19.5 inches in length.
Kim and Jermaine Jackson don’t only share the same back alley plastic surgeon, they also share a love for “regal” (see: fucked up) baby names.
You know, it could’ve been worse, though. Kim could’ve named her poor child something like Versace Juvéderm or PayPalla Princess. And “Royal Reign” isn’t that bad, because it sounds like the name of a Prince fragrance sold exclusively at Bath and Body Works. Besides being named “Royal Reign” is the last thing Lil Kim’s child has to worry about. The poor kid has to worry about scrunching her face when she cries, because we all know what Lil Kim does when she spots a wrinkle.
In case you’re unfamiliar with the naming conventions in Hank Baskett’s family (“Can I come live with you?” – My brain) every time a uterus pops out a baby with Baskett DNA, it’s given the name Hank. Every baby is named Hank Baskett. The name John Smith sleeps with one eye open and clutching at a shotgun to protect its title as the most common name in America, because it knows Hank Baskett is coming for it. When Hugh Hefner’s former diaper-changer Kendra Wilkinson pushed out the first baby she made with Hank Baskett in 2009, she named him Hank Baskett.
And on Monday, Kendra and Hank gave birth to their second child, a baby girl. Unfortunately, they didn’t name her Hankina or Hankette or Hank 2; Us Weekly says that they broke with tradition and named their baby Alijah Mary Baskett. Well, I guess she can always legally change it to Hankette when she gets older.
Aside from the fact that they missed the opportunity to name their second child Hank Basket (just cause she’s a girl don’t mean she don’t deserve to be part of the future army of Hanks) I do like that Kendra gave her baby the kind of name that sounds like something an old southern lady would say if Kendra ripped a hot fart in front of her. “Sweet Alijah Mary, my eyes are burning!”