To some, Alexa and Carlos PenaVega are known as “WHO?” and “WHO?” To others, they’re known as the little girl from Spy Kids and the dude from that Nickelodeon boy band who competed against each other on Dancing with the Has-Beens. But now, they should only be known as the messes who came up with a baby name that is filled with more WTF than the name that serial jacked-up baby name-giver Jamie Oliver gave to his latest child.
When Hugh Hefner’s former denture scrubber Holly Madison announced that she had finally given birth to her second baby, all I wanted to know was what she named him. He could have blasted out of her uterus screaming “Panama” by Van Halen, or cut his own umbilical cord by shooting lasers out of his tiny baby eyes, and I’d still only care about his name. Holly and her husband Pasquale Rotella named their three-year-old daughter Rainbow Aurora. I crossed my fingers for another name that sounded like a brand of holographic vinyl car wraps. Well, it’s not as bonkers as I was hoping for, but it’s pretty good.
Brian Austin Green has two reasons to celebrate today. Dude is a father for the fourth time, and Megan Fox’s womb is free for him to wet hump another ATM baby into during make-up sex after she threatens him with divorce again. David Silver has truly come along way.
Megan and BAG were planning to get a divorce last year, but they never stopped living together and eventually made another baby. The divorce is now off. E! News says that Megan birthed out their third baby last Thursday. Megan had another boy, and she and BAG did not disappoint when it came to naming him.
It feels like everyone has had a baby this summer. But especially people who were big in the early-to-mid 2000s. Nicky Hilton had a baby. Audrina Patridge had a baby. Norah Jones had a baby. And now we can add Liv Tyler’s name to that list. Yes, technically Empire Records and the music video for “Crazy” qualify her for A+ list status in every decade for the rest of time. But I’m adding her to that group above solely because I think we can all remember the years between 2001 and 2003 when everyone with a long brown wig dressed up as Arwen from Lord of the Rings for Halloween.
But back to that baby. 39-year-old Liv announced on Instagram yesterday that she had recently given birth to the baby put inside her by her fiancé, David Gardner.
Lula Rose is Liv’s third kid. She and David already have a 17-month-old son named Sailor Gene. Liv also has an 11-year-old son named Milo that she made with her ex-husband Royston Langdon.
Liv seems relatively normal for a famous person. But she was made when a groupie-model mated with Steven Tyler, which kind of explains those baby names. Milo, Sailor, and Lula all sound like people you meet backstage at an Aerosmith concert. Milo is the guy who makes sure Steven’s scarves are tied properly to his microphone stand and that he has enough calcium chews in his dressing room. Sailor is the roadie who tunes the guitars and takes quick 10-minute naps on the toilet. Lula is in charge of making sure the venue has provided everything on Steven’s diva dogs’ rider. “Beggin Strips? Steven’s dogs specifically asked for Snausages.”
Which means Paris Hilton is an aunt now. Ah, the wisdom and guidance she’ll pass down to her little niece. “Always remember: you’ll take many mug shots, but the first one is always the most special, so make sure it’s a hot one. Also, never ingest the bubbles at a foam party. Just trust me, don’t do it.”
As mentioned above, Nicky Hilton – sorry, Nicky Rothschild – finally gave birth to the baby she was pregnant with, and Entertainment Tonight says it’s a little girl. A source tells ET that 32-year-old Nicky gave birth this morning while “surrounded by family” (that sounds…fun). She and her rich British husband James Rothschild named their new baby Lily Grace Victoria Rothschild.
That name doesn’t surprise me much; it’s pretty much what I’d expect two rich people to name their kid. Lily Grace Victoria sounds like a child whose bedroom walls are covered with horse jumping ribbons and sleeps in a queen-sized canopy bed. Lily Grace Victoria Rothschild is only hours old, but I feel like she’s already sent a Mason Pearson hairbrush to Eloise at The Plaza with hand-written message on personalized stationary that says “Tell your nanny to use this, you look positively dreadful.”
What I’m more interested in is what Lily Grace Victoria will call Paris Hilton. Auntie Paris? Aunt Paris? Auntie Pee Pee? No, that’s more of a nickname for Paris’ old assistant. Maybe she’ll let her call her Winky. I like that one.
Here’s Nicky Hilton strolling around New York yesterday. Literally 24 hours later, she was giving birth. I’m going to keep that in mind the next time I eat too much at Taco Bell and am too lazy to get off the couch to throw out the wrappers. “If a 9-months knocked up Nicky Hilton can cruise around New York in 87 degree heat, you sure as hell can get your ass up and walk to the garbage.”
This is one that will either elicit a “The lady from The Mentalist had a kid?” or “OMG Sarah Bailey from The Craft had a kid!” I’m in the latter category, so excuse me while I get excited for Sarah Bailey’s big news.
Robin Tunney, aka Sarah from The Craft and Debra from Empire Records, is a first-time mom. 44-year-old Robin announced the news yesterday on Instagram that she had recently given birth to a baby boy that was put inside her by her fiancé Nicky Marmet. The photographer who took her baby’s picture confirmed that her baby’s birthday happened around two weeks ago. Oooh, do I smell another secret baby? Actually, this seems more like an “I was waiting to find the right baby basket for his first newborn photoshoot” situation.
Robin isn’t kidding. She kept very hush about being pregnant; someone else actually announced her pregnancy for her. Which is sad, really, because I believe legend has it that every time a famous person gets knocked up and doesn’t Instagram a picture of the piss stick with the hashtag #ClearblueConfirmed, a celebrity angel loses its private cloud booth in Heaven’s equivalent of The Nice Guy.
Onto that baby’s name! As you can see above, Robin didn’t pay tribute to the two greatest credits on her IMDB page by naming her baby Manon or Shockmi. Robin and Nicky named their new baby Oscar Holly. Oscar is pretty normal. But Holly? That’s an odd choice. And you know it’s bound to be something little Oscar gets real tired of quickly around the holidays. “Oh look, you brought me a sprig of holly…because my middle name is Holly. You know, I think I mention this every year, but I’m really more of a mistletoe person.”