When Zooey Deschanel got knocked up two years ago, I naturally assumed she would give it an extremely precious name, and she didn’t disappoint. Zooey and her husband Jacob Pechenik named their daughter Elsie Otter.
Zooey got pregnant again and her rep confirmed to People that she gave birth to her second child in Los Angeles last week. Zooey went full-Zooey with this new baby’s name too. I’m starting to think Zooey might be taking her baby naming inspiration from the first three letters of her name. Because just like her first baby, this new baby is also named after a zoo animal.
Zooey gave birth to a baby boy that she and Jacob named Charlie Wolf Pechenik.
If Zooey was trying to relaunch The Get Along Gang, she’s going the right way for it. Elsie Otter and Charlie Wolf sound like two scrappy problem-solving critters who end every day with a hug and a song about a moral. When explaining Elsie’s middle name, she claimed she picked it because otters are sweet and smart. I wonder why they chose wolf? Maybe Baby Charlie came out howling instead of crying or got weird the night of the first full moon.
All I know is that now Zooey and Jacob are pretty much locked into this whole Pacific Northwest animal middle name theme. Hopefully if there’s a next time, she thinks about naming her third baby after one of the Pacific Northwest’s less-popular residents: the Banana Slug. Poor ol’ banana slug gets no love.
Before we get to Alaskan Abstinence Queen Bristol Palin’s third child, let’s quickly remind ourselves of some of the hunting store employee-sounding names that will be greeting it on the Palin Family Tree.
Oh that’s all just terrific. 26-year-old Bristol Palin and her 28-year-old husband of almost a year Dakota Meyer became parents again. Bristol had a girl. This is their second baby together. They have a 1-year-old daughter named Sailor Grace, and Bristol has 9-year-old Tripp Easton with Levi Johnston. Bristol announced her new baby on Instagram yesterday. And what did they name their baby?
“Welcome to the world Atlee Bay“
Sarah Palin congratulated Bristol on her latest baby with a statement released via The Daily Mail saying: “Babies are the best ingredient in our world, and we’re blessed to help welcome Atlee Bay to it. The whole family couldn’t be more thrilled!”
The only thing that matters here is that name. Atlee Bay Meyer. First name Atlee, middle name Bay. That name sounds like something thought up by the Taylee/McKarty lady after driving past an insurance company. Atlee Bay is Bristol’s kid, but it could also be the most highly discounted area rug brand on Overstock.com. It looks like a Google translate mistake. It’s a perfect name for a Palin.
Yes, finally; I’m sure there’s at least one person out there who was anxiously bouncing their legs in anticipation. Good news, that person – we’ve got a name! Cheryl and the One Directioner Liam Payne made a baby boy who was born five weeks ago. At the time, Cheryl and Liam both made it known in their social media birth announcements that they didn’t have a name for their kid yet. Yesterday, The Daily Mail claimed that Cheryl and Liam named their baby Bear Payne. That news was confirmed by Liam after he was congratulated on Twitter by urine-drinking wilderness person Bear Grylls.
— Liam (@LiamPayne) May 2, 2017
The Daily Mail says that both Cheryl and Liam know Bear Grylls and he may have been the inspiration for their kid’s name. Well, that or Cheryl and Liam threw a dart at a list of Quirky-ish Famous Baby Names and hit Alicia Silverstone, Jamie Oliver, Kate Winslet’s favorite.
But back to that name. Bear Payne doesn’t even sound like the name of a baby; it sounds like a home-made alcoholic energy drink for lumberjacks. If Yogi trained Boo Boo as an MMA fighter, his Octagon name would be Bear Payne. All I really know is that if Bear and his mom were to get into Britain’s Motherboy circuit, Cher & Bear would be a great team name.
It felt like forever ago that former porn star-turned-disaster Jenna Jameson announced her fiancé Lior Bitton had knocked her up with her third child. Both Jenna and Lior announced the news on Instagram that she had given birth to an 8lb daughter yesterday that they named Batel Lu Bitton.
I am so proud to introduce everyone to my newborn daughter! Her name is Batel Lu Bitton. She was born at 8lbs exactly and 21 inches long. She is so calm and graceful it's hard to look at her not feel overwhelmed. I had a very long labor (12 hours) and pushed for an intense 22 minutes. We are head over heels in love with her 💫 welcome to the world little star, Mommy loves you ⭐️
This is 42-year-old Jenna’s first kid with 42-year-old Lior. She has 8-year-old twin boys named Jesse and Journey with Tito Ortiz. Tito has full custody of their boys.
Jenna’s fiancé is from Israel and is Jewish (Jenna converted), which would explain Baby Batel’s name.
Jenna Jameson and a new baby makes me feel a teensy bit nervous, because I keep having flashbacks to the first time Jenna tried to be a mom. But I’m going to stay positive. Well, let’s see. Oh, I’ve got something – a new baby means Jenna will be too busy wiping up baby dookie and milk barfs to go on four-hour long racist Twitter rants. Damn, this glass is a hard one to fill up half-way.
Finally, a story about a famous person and their spawn that doesn’t involve a custody fight or pulling the curtain back on their absentee ways. This one is actually nice. Back in October, we found out that David Arquette was going to be a daddy for the third time. Yesterday, David announced on Instagram that his wife Christina Arquette spent International Women’s Day doing an extremely woman-ish thing, which was giving birth to a baby.
Tori Spelling and Dean McDermott are now the parents of five children. It’s the ciiiiiiircle of liiiiiiife!…if the circle of life involved two questionably-employed people who pop out kids like bill-evading rabbits. Tori and The Deaner’s rep tells People that their new baby, Beau Dean McDermott, was born at 1:48pm yesterday, weighed 5lbs, 10oz, and measured 18
dollar signs inches long. Tori also announced the news on Twitter later in the evening with the typical black-and-white baby hands photo.
We are so excited to announce the birth of the newest member of the McDermott family! Please join us in welcoming Beau Dean McDermott. pic.twitter.com/xPCK25cBHV
— Tori Spelling (@Tori_Spelling) March 3, 2017
Baby Beau joins Tori and Dean’s other kids, Liam (9), Stella (8), Hattie (5), and Finn (4). Dean also has an 18-year-old son from his ex-wife Mary Jo Eustace, who is currently chasing him down for child support payments.
Obviously, the thing I wish the most about this situation is that The Deaner had released his own birth announcement. Why he didn’t, well – my guess is he couldn’t be reached for comment because he was out roaming the hospital hallways trying to bum a celebratory cigarette. At the very least, I hope he was the one to inform Candy Spelling of her newest grandchild.
“What’s crappening, Cotton Candy? It’s your favorite son-in-law coming at you with some good-ass news mama. No, I didn’t get a job. We had another kid! His name is Beau. And just like his name, lemme tell ya – going from four to five checks every month is gonna be b-e-a-utiful. But really, when can we expect that first check? Daddy needs brewskis!”