Just when I thought that today’s “news” day was going to be drier than a cooch after seeing that shot of Joseph Fiennes as Michael Jackson, I came across some red alarm-worthy news about The Fat Jew (Google him, you dumb fuck) and Wendy Williams.
You’ll find out in a moment how very fitting it is that that picture of mama and baby has been thrown under a murky brown filter. Pink announced yesterday on Instagram that the baby she has been growing inside her for the past 9 months has arrived. Pink and her husband Carey Hart both posted the same picture of Pink holding their second baby, a son, and let everyone know he was born on December 26th. And the name they wrote on the birth certificate is: Jameson Moon Hart. Well I just got a craving to pour some party juice into my morning can of ginger ale. Thanks, Pink and Carey!
It’s a slow day on the ho stroll when we look at a birth announcement from Nick Lachey and his wife Vanessa and think, “news!“. But here we are. Apparently Nick still tours (when he’s not trying to get his weed farm off the ground) and Vanessa is a “tv personality” or whatever, but as Tori Spelling can attest, nothing guarantees a tabloid cover like a new mouth to feed.
When Blake Lively and Ryan Reynolds had their first kid, they waited a loooooong time before revealing they named their daughter James. They didn’t really wait as long this time and they didn’t really bother to “announce” it. Poor second-born babies always get shafted in the attention department.
Ryan brought Blake and their two kids to his Hollywood Walk of Fame ceremony last week. He didn’t refer to either of his daughters by name, but I’m assuming that at some point one of them must have referred to the baby one as more than just “the baby“, because UsWeekly says that they can confirm what Ryan and Blake named her. Their second daughter is named Ines Reynolds.
Ryan and Blake deserve a round of applause for managing to find one of the last remaining older lady names that hasn’t yet been appropriated by hipster parents in Brooklyn. “Ines Reynolds” sounds like an 88-year-old bookkeeper at a windows and doors company who still makes out checks on a Paymaster, drinks homemade Tia Maria, and refuses to smoke her Misty Lights anywhere but right in front of the door. Although knowing Blake, I doubt she picked Ines for that reason. It probably came about during her 8th month of pregnancy as she was fanning herself from the hot summer heat with her best Chantilly-lace fan on the lanai. “Goodness gracious, I never…that’s it! Inever! What a charmin’ name.”
Unless Janet Jackson gives birth before the year is over and names her baby Concepción Cristal Alexis, Mick Jagger and his young piece of a girlfriend Melanie Hamrick will take the Celebrity Baby Naming crown for 2016.
73-year-old Mick Jagger became a father for the eighth time last week when his 29-year-old ballerina girlfriend Melanie Hamrick gave birth to their baby boy. One might think that Melanie would keep it all-the-way real by naming her baby D.S. Jagger (Dollar Sign Jagger) and that Mick would go along with it since he’s not going to remember the name anyway. I mean, he’s got the names of a thousand other kids, grandkids and a great-grandkid to remember. I’m glad they didn’t do that, because the name they gave their child is so flawless that it makes me wish that in my next life I will come back as one of Mick Jagger’s spawn so I can say that I’m directly related to someone with a magnificent name. Mick Jagger and his unstoppable sperm fish are going to live to be 1,000, so my wish may come true.
The Mirror says that Mick’s daughter Elizabeth Jagger posted a picture on Instagram of her littlest brother along with his name. (She later deleted that post). Without further ado, Mick and Melanie reportedly named their baby:
Deveraux Octavian Basil!!!!!!
The second human that Mila Kunis and Ashton Kutcher are now in charge of came into the world on Wednesday and ever since then, their 2-year-old daughter Wyatt Isabelle has probably been thinking to herself, “I hope they give that baby a worse name than me, I hope they give that baby a worse name than me.”
Mila birthed out a boy and I was hoping that they’d name him Earp. But KuKu didn’t do that and instead, they paid tribute to Dimitri Marick from All My Children and Amber Portwood from Teen Mom by naming him Dimitri Portwood! The baby name news was dropped on Ashton Kutcher’s site A Plus today:
Today, A Plus is happy to announce that Dimitri Portwood Kutcher was born at 1:21 a.m. on November 30, weighing 8 pounds and 15 ounces. Dimitri is the couple’s second child, after having their daughter Wyatt in October of 2014.
Mila was born in Ukraine and speaks fluent Russian (see: that hot video of Mila bitching out a reporter in Russian), so that explains the name Dimitri. But Demi Moore is probably looking at that name and thinking that it’s Ashton’s way of letting her know that he hasn’t let go!!!
Dimitri Portwood sounds like the name of an 80s soap opera character whose mother is a Russian socialite and whose father is a Texas oil mogul, so I love it! But poor Wyatt Isabelle didn’t get a glamorous 80s soap opera name. Somebody pass her name-changing papers so she can change her name to Ekaterina Carrington.
And here’s a stage 10 knocked up Mila in L.A. just a day before she gave birth.
Pics: Splash, ABC Daytime