It felt like forever ago that former porn star-turned-disaster Jenna Jameson announced her fiancé Lior Bitton had knocked her up with her third child. Both Jenna and Lior announced the news on Instagram that she had given birth to an 8lb daughter yesterday that they named Batel Lu Bitton.
I am so proud to introduce everyone to my newborn daughter! Her name is Batel Lu Bitton. She was born at 8lbs exactly and 21 inches long. She is so calm and graceful it's hard to look at her not feel overwhelmed. I had a very long labor (12 hours) and pushed for an intense 22 minutes. We are head over heels in love with her 💫 welcome to the world little star, Mommy loves you ⭐️
This is 42-year-old Jenna’s first kid with 42-year-old Lior. She has 8-year-old twin boys named Jesse and Journey with Tito Ortiz. Tito has full custody of their boys.
Jenna’s fiancé is from Israel and is Jewish (Jenna converted), which would explain Baby Batel’s name.
Jenna Jameson and a new baby makes me feel a teensy bit nervous, because I keep having flashbacks to the first time Jenna tried to be a mom. But I’m going to stay positive. Well, let’s see. Oh, I’ve got something – a new baby means Jenna will be too busy wiping up baby dookie and milk barfs to go on four-hour long racist Twitter rants. Damn, this glass is a hard one to fill up half-way.
Finally, a story about a famous person and their spawn that doesn’t involve a custody fight or pulling the curtain back on their absentee ways. This one is actually nice. Back in October, we found out that David Arquette was going to be a daddy for the third time. Yesterday, David announced on Instagram that his wife Christina Arquette spent International Women’s Day doing an extremely woman-ish thing, which was giving birth to a baby.
Tori Spelling and Dean McDermott are now the parents of five children. It’s the ciiiiiiircle of liiiiiiife!…if the circle of life involved two questionably-employed people who pop out kids like bill-evading rabbits. Tori and The Deaner’s rep tells People that their new baby, Beau Dean McDermott, was born at 1:48pm yesterday, weighed 5lbs, 10oz, and measured 18
dollar signs inches long. Tori also announced the news on Twitter later in the evening with the typical black-and-white baby hands photo.
We are so excited to announce the birth of the newest member of the McDermott family! Please join us in welcoming Beau Dean McDermott. pic.twitter.com/xPCK25cBHV
— Tori Spelling (@Tori_Spelling) March 3, 2017
Baby Beau joins Tori and Dean’s other kids, Liam (9), Stella (8), Hattie (5), and Finn (4). Dean also has an 18-year-old son from his ex-wife Mary Jo Eustace, who is currently chasing him down for child support payments.
Obviously, the thing I wish the most about this situation is that The Deaner had released his own birth announcement. Why he didn’t, well – my guess is he couldn’t be reached for comment because he was out roaming the hospital hallways trying to bum a celebratory cigarette. At the very least, I hope he was the one to inform Candy Spelling of her newest grandchild.
“What’s crappening, Cotton Candy? It’s your favorite son-in-law coming at you with some good-ass news mama. No, I didn’t get a job. We had another kid! His name is Beau. And just like his name, lemme tell ya – going from four to five checks every month is gonna be b-e-a-utiful. But really, when can we expect that first check? Daddy needs brewskis!”
Nick Cannon became a father for the third time yesterday when his one-time piece, former Miss Arizona USA Brittany Bell, gave birth to their baby boy. Nick’s twins with Mariah Carey are named Moroccan and Monroe, so I thought that maybe he’d keep with the “Mo” theme and name his third child MONAY. Nick didn’t do that, but he did name his son after a currency, sort of.
When 53-year-old David Cross and 33-year-old Amber Tamblyn first announced that they were expecting a baby, they did it in a serious way. Amber slipped the news into a super-serious, pro-Hillary Clinton essay she wrote for Glamour magazine. Amber recently had their baby and instead of getting serious, they announced the news in a funnier way. Specifically by making a joke about their daughter’s “name.”
That name is obviously fake, because Amber is best friends with Blake Lively. At least four of those eight random words are on Blake’s fancy-sounding future baby names list, and Amber would never steal that many names from her friend. Sure, maybe Mustard was changed from the more elegant Moutarde, but the general idea is still there. Members of the sisterhood of the traveling pants would never.
Although, this is a Hollywood baby born to two wacky hipster parents, which means there is a chance that baby is actually named Dauphinoise Petunia Brittany Scheherazade Von Funkinstein Mustard Witch RBG Cross Tamblyn-Bey Jr. (“Noisey for short!“). If so, the nurse on duty probably didn’t even bat an eye when she filled out their birth certificate. Nurses for famous people have seen it all.
Which of course means it’s only a matter of time before the dramatic custody battle begins. But for now let’s just enjoy this simple moment in between when nothing dramatic or awful is happening. Keshia Knight Pulliam announced yesterday on Instagram that she gave birth to the baby girl she made with her soon-to-be ex-husband Ed Hartwell. Keshia named her new baby the same thing that 98% of your friends from Facebook named their daughter, which is Ella Grace.
Ed Hartwell has remained social media silent on the birth of his daughter. Although that’s not a huge shock. A week after Keshia announced she was knocked up, Ed filed for divorce and demanded a paternity test. Keshia responded by swearing to Entertainment Tonight that the only person who cheated during their six-month marriage was Ed. She then accused Ed of plotting against her baby and attempting to trigger a miscarriage (something Ed denied while also calling Keshia a money-grabbing stunt queen).
That’s a whole lot of MESS to pack into nine months. I can only imagine what Keshia and Ed will be able to do with eighteen years. Ed will start by demanding a second opinion on that paternity test as his family and ex-wife continue to hiss at Keshia on social media. Keshia will respond by running to the media and accusing Ed of something diabolical, like attempting to make his child support payments in pennies. And while they’re doing that, Baby Ella Grace will be flipping through pictures of people from Keshia’s past with the hope that one of them might temporarily adopt her until her parents figure their shit out. “Hmmm…definitely not that creepy old guy, not that lady either. I’m thinking Lisa Bonet. She seems cool.”