For the last 2 months, I’d say a little prayer on my E.T. doll every time I saw a picture of Drew Barrymore because it felt like she had been pregnant for-ev-er and I was starting to get worried she was the victim of some weird gypsy curse that made her permanently pregnant (which is a punk move, even for the most vengeful of curse-throwing gypsies). Thankfully there was no curse (or Drew broke the curse, will update with details as soon as they’re released from www.gypsycurses.net) because People says that on Tuesday, Drew and her husband Will Kopelman became the parents of another little girl, who they’ve named Frankie Barrymore Kopelman. Drew and Will are already the parents of 19-month-old Olive Kopelman.
For someone who always struck me as a bit spacey and new age-y, Drew has managed to give her kids some pretty normal names. I was certain that after playing it safe with Olive she’d pull a 180 with the second baby and pick something bonkers like Moon Glow or Peaceful, but Frankie is cute. I especially like Frankie and Olive together; it sounds like a mid-range Italian chain restaurant. Frankie and Olive is where you go when there’s too long of a wait at Olive Garden. “2 hours? Oh forget it, I’m not waiting 2 hours. We’ll go to Frankie and Olive. I think I got a 2-for-1 coupon somewhere in my purse.”
Mike Myers (aka “Wayne Campbell” if you’re in your 40s, “Austin Powers” if you’re in your 30s, “Shrek” if you’re in your 20s, and “Some dude who might be wearing John Travolta’s hair” to anyone currently studying for SATs) shagged a baby into his wife Kelly Tisdale 9 months ago, and Us Weekly says that a tiny baby girl popped out of Kelly earlier today. Mike and Kelly already have a 2-year-old son that they named Spike Myers (which is what you get if you put “Mike Myers” into an Ed Hardy name generator), so I was crossing my fingers that they’d name Baby #2 something equally SoCal, like Blaze or Flayme, but they named her Sunday Molly Myers. Personally, I like the name Sunday Molly, because it sounds like something written on Miley Cyrus’s drug to-do list.
Friday: Freon, Weed
Plus with a name like “Sunday Molly”, she’d make a killing in college selling drugs (you gotta make it easy for the dumb ones to remember who they buy from). Then again, I’m talking about 20 years in the future, so molly will probably be replaced by “future coke” or “robot speed” or something called “bleep-blorp”. Either way, mazel to you both, Mike and Kelly.
And a single tear was wiped away from the collective faces of obsessive internet fanboys everywhere (in case you’re wondering, that tear smells like generic brand Mountain Dew and basement). But they also didn’t name their babies Turkmenistan Daffodil and Uzbekistan Amaryllis (FYI: Michael K’s tears smell like Flaming Hot Cheetos, lube, and the giant novelty jug of vodka from BevMo). No, Elsa Pataky announced on Instagram that she and Thor Hemsworth named their 4-day-old twin boys Tristan and Sasha. No middle names? Quickly nerds! Start an online petition! There’s still a chance we could get Thor and Loki!
So Chris and Elsa’s three kids are named India, Tristan, and Sasha, which means they’re either huge fans of melodramatic CW shows about affluent Malibu teens, porn stars not named Nikki, or unisex haircuts from 1998. Either way, if they ever decided to open a fancy faux-boho clothing store that sells $400 spirit beads to rich bitches to wear at Coachella, they should have no problem registering Tristan & Sasha India as the business name.
And if you’re asking yourself “Who?”, let me be the first to congratulate you on having a job. But for those of you who are unemployed and still asking “Who?” then I need to know what you’re doing with your day. Doesn’t everybody bookend Maury with The View and The Chew? I know; never has a sentence so accurately described the feeling of giving up into a pair of sweatpants.
Us Weekly says that Daphne Oz, host of The Chew and daughter of poo-obsessed Diet Coke hater Dr. Oz, appeared on The Chew via Skype today to announce the name of the baby girl she gave birth to a little less than a week ago. The baby’s full name is Philomena Bijou Jovanovic, but Daphne and her husband have already started calling her “Philo” and “PBJ”.
I can’t get behind Philo because that flaky phyllo shit is too fancy for my trashy tastes; I’m more of an exploding can of nearly-expired Pillsbury crescent dough kind of girl myself. But as someone who considers dessert 6 out of 7 nights a week to be a jar of Kraft and a long-handled spoon, I happily give them two greasy thumbs up for PBJ. Again, I just described the feeling of sweatpants.
And tune in to Dr. Oz next week when that snack-hating hater tells you the 6 hidden cancer-causing ingredients found in peanut butter.
Plastic Lucky Cat in a brown wig Megan Fox gave birth to hers and Brian Austin Green’s second kid together on February 12 and they didn’t immediately run through the streets screaming the name of their newborn child, because they are selfish bitches who only think of themselves! I figured that Megan would name her second son Einstein after who she was reincarnated from. But after that baby was pulled out of her body, Megan and BAG lit up a joint and as they were clicking through the channels on TV, they stopped at Point Break and thought, “Fuck it, let’s name him after Patrick Swayze’s character.” Then they kept clicking through and landed on that Mel Gibson and Renee Russo movie and thought, “Fuck it, let’s give him Ransom as a middle name.” They named him Bodhi Ransom Green.
TMZ got a hold of the birth certificate which has their kid’s full name listed as Bodhi Ransom Green. Megan and BAG named their first kid Noah, so they decided to go full fuckery with the second one. Bodhi I sort of get, because Teresa Palmer just named her kid Bodhi, so naming your kid Bodhi is really IN right now in Hollywood or whatever. But Ransom? How is it a good idea for two celebrities (these two are still considered celebrity-ish-ish, right?) to give their kid the middle name Ransom? The New York Post headlines write themselves. Ransom Held For Ransom. I swear…
Bodhi Ransom sounds like the name of an old-timey Buddhist robber who steals from the rich and gives to the monks. Bodhi Ransom also sounds like the name of the title character in a Disney movie about a snowboarding dog who unwittingly joins the Winter Olympics US team and wins all the gold medals.
It’s not like these two are doing anything. That had days upon days to come up with a name. They had one job to do. BODHI RANSOM?!
After the 56th variation of “Jayden” popped up on my Facebook news feed (please accept my condolences on the death of your parent’s better judgement, baby Zayden) it’s refreshing to hear about a parent breaking from the crowd and naming their baby something that sounds like a type of weed you’d buy from a guy wearing a threadbare Coexist t-shirt at a Phish concert. On Monday, Punky Brewster reminded you that you are old and death is coming for your ass when she birthed out her 3rd child, and today Soleil Moon Frye finally announced the baby’s name on her website Moonfrye (via People):
Welcome to the world Lyric Sonny Roads Goldberg! Can’t wait to share our pics and moments in the upcoming months. Thanks for all the love and support.
Lyric Sonny Roads joins two older sisters (who will probably grow up to be cosmic faeries or crystal deodorant enthusiasts) Jagger Joseph Blue and Poet Sienna Rose. It’s a good thing that name sounds not-the-worst when you say it all together, because the minute you break them off and put them into separate holding cells, they begin turning on each other:
“Lyric is how someone at Starbucks fucks up the name Eric!” - Roads
“Sonny sounds like a not-right nickname your creepy uncle gives you!” – Lyric
“Roads is the name of a guy who sells you bath salts in Orlando!” – Sonny
And I look forward to 15 years in the future when Lyric Sonny Roads starts pissing off his parents by rebelliously trying to legally change his name to Brad.
Here’s Rachel “Chupacabra” Zoe and her husband Rodger Berman looking like two 1960s hippies who stole a child out of a suburban house and drove to Northern California to raise it with their cult. That baby is either weirded out by just being born or he doesn’t know where to look since to the right is Rodger’s Partridge Family hair part and to the left is Chupa!
On Sunday, Chupa’s weight dropped back down to 5 pounds and 3 ounces when she birthed out a 7 pound boy. Thank GOD Chupa didn’t give her hair person and her mortician the holiday off, because they were there to paint her face and get her chupacabra beautiful for this picture with Rodger and her new son. Chupa tweeted this little note with the picture:
Meet the newest member of our family, Kaius Jagger
They plan on calling him Kai. I Googled to see if Kaius means anything and apparently it means: “Rachel Zoe made that shit up.” This is why you should never watch Pacific Rim while you’re knocked up and looking for baby names. You might end up naming your kid Kaius Jagger. Chupa and Roger’s oldest son is named Skyler and they call him Sky. Sky and Kai! That sounds like the name of twin Asian DJs who are the second most popular DJs in Ibiza during off-season. Sky and Kai also sounds like the name of the best friends of the protagonist in a Young Adult sci-fi novel that takes place in a world made entirely of water.
Since Chupa calls Sky “Sky Sky” all the time, I’m sure she’ll call Kai “Kai Kai.” And if you’re fluent in draganese, you know “kai kai” means ”two drag queens bumping taints.” I take back all the bitter, bitchy things I said about the name Kaius Jagger. Kai Kai is a brilliant baby name!
Over the weekend, Halle Berry birthed out the adorable ball of human that she’ll eventually use as a pawn in a messy custody battle when her relationship with Olivier Martinez crumbles into a million pieces because they’re both crazy bitches. They kept their mouths shut about details. They didn’t burp out their son’s name and they didn’t say whether or not Halle tore Olivier’s throat out since crazy bitches + labor usually equals somebody getting viciously murdered. But TMZ claims they know the kid’s name.
Halle and Olivier only had one job to do. All they had to do was name their kid Simba and we’d all be happy. But since they both have to ruin everything, they didn’t name him Simba. They supposedly named him Maceo Robert Martinez. Maceo means “gift of God” in Spanish and in a couple years when Halle and Olivier are throwing dishes at each other during dinner, he’ll think to himself, “Um, did this God person give you crazies a gift receipt?”
I thought Maceo was pronounced MACE-EH-OH, which would’ve been sort of fitting since Halle will probably mace Olivier a few times before they break up. But my mom says it’s pronounced MAH-SAY-OH. It’s a cute name, but I’m sure Maceo will one day be pissed that they didn’t name him Simba.
Here’s Olivier, looking not as zombie-ish, and Nahla at the pumpkin patch today.
After being knocked up for what felt like 9 years, Stacy Ferguson from Kids Incorporated checked into a hospital in L.A. this morning and gave birth to a baby. A spokeswhore for Fergie and Josh Duhamel tell People that she had a son via C-section this morning. Their newborn son is only five seconds old, but I bet he’s already mastered the art of eye rolling since I’m sure some doctor made a “lady lumps” joke in the delivery room.
Fergie and Josh’s son weighed in at 7lbs and 10 oz. No, they didn’t pay tribute to meth by naming him Walter White Duhamel. They named him Axl Jack Duhamel instead.
Axl Jack isn’t the worst name. Yes, he’ll never stop hearing “Sweet Child ‘O Mine” jokes and Axl Jack sounds like something straight out of a frat boy nickname generator, but it could’ve been worse. There are worse things that Axl Jack will have to deal with besides his name like listening to Black Eyed Peas songs all the time and having will.i.cant for an uncle.
A baby joined the Luckiest Humans In The World Club last Wednesday when he was pulled out of Katie Price’s body and can now call England’s most prized national treasure Harvey Price his brother and can call this delicate flower his mother. The Sun (via HuffPo) says that Katie Price gave birth to her fourth kid, and her first kid with her stripper husband Kieran Hayler, in some foreign land last week.
Katie and Kieran’s son was born 8 weeks early and he weighed in at only 5lbs 2oz. Katie tells The Sun that the experience of giving birth to him was extra traumatic since she was on holiday with her family in Europe somewhere and developed a life-threatening infection (no comment, too easy). Katie was taken to the hospital and told that they had to deliver her son early via C-Section. Kieran wasn’t allowed in the delivery room with Katie and the nurses and doctors barely spoke English. I don’t see a problem with the last part since Katie barely speaks English herself. Katie said this to The Sun about the whole traumatic experience:
“I went through a nightmare. The baby’s heart rate was also really low. The next thing I know, a nurse is in my room saying: ‘Get ready now. You have five minutes to shower. You are having C-section soon.’ I started panicking. I have a terrible fear of needles and I was dreading the epidural. I got in the shower in shock. I kept thinking ‘This will be my last shower before I have my fourth child.’”
“I have a terrible fear of needles,” says the inanimate object made out of Botox who gets pricked with a filler needle every hour on the hour.
Katie was released from the hospital, but her son is still in there and they’re allowed to visit him every day. Katie told The Sun that her and Kieran have decided to name their son JETT RIVIERA. Jett Riviera joins Harvey Price, Princess YTuMamaTambien and Junior as one of Katie’s kids.
Yes, Jett Riviera. Would you expect anything less from one of the most classy and refined ladies in the world? Duchess Kate is slapping her head for not coming up with the name Jett Riviera. Jett Riviera sounds like the name of a cast member on Gigolos and it also sounds like the name of a jet ski rental place in Laughlin, NV. Pure class. One hundred percent.
Here’s Jett Riviera’s mother wearing an outfit modeled after her own coochie lips (actual size) while posing during her a photo call for one of her products last month.