It feels like everyone has had a baby this summer. But especially people who were big in the early-to-mid 2000s. Nicky Hilton had a baby. Audrina Patridge had a baby. Norah Jones had a baby. And now we can add Liv Tyler’s name to that list. Yes, technically Empire Records and the music video for “Crazy” qualify her for A+ list status in every decade for the rest of time. But I’m adding her to that group above solely because I think we can all remember the years between 2001 and 2003 when everyone with a long brown wig dressed up as Arwen from Lord of the Rings for Halloween.
But back to that baby. 39-year-old Liv announced on Instagram yesterday that she had recently given birth to the baby put inside her by her fiancé, David Gardner.
Lula Rose is Liv’s third kid. She and David already have a 17-month-old son named Sailor Gene. Liv also has an 11-year-old son named Milo that she made with her ex-husband Royston Langdon.
Liv seems relatively normal for a famous person. But she was made when a groupie-model mated with Steven Tyler, which kind of explains those baby names. Milo, Sailor, and Lula all sound like people you meet backstage at an Aerosmith concert. Milo is the guy who makes sure Steven’s scarves are tied properly to his microphone stand and that he has enough calcium chews in his dressing room. Sailor is the roadie who tunes the guitars and takes quick 10-minute naps on the toilet. Lula is in charge of making sure the venue has provided everything on Steven’s diva dogs’ rider. “Beggin Strips? Steven’s dogs specifically asked for Snausages.”
Which means Paris Hilton is an aunt now. Ah, the wisdom and guidance she’ll pass down to her little niece. “Always remember: you’ll take many mug shots, but the first one is always the most special, so make sure it’s a hot one. Also, never ingest the bubbles at a foam party. Just trust me, don’t do it.”
As mentioned above, Nicky Hilton – sorry, Nicky Rothschild – finally gave birth to the baby she was pregnant with, and Entertainment Tonight says it’s a little girl. A source tells ET that 32-year-old Nicky gave birth this morning while “surrounded by family” (that sounds…fun). She and her rich British husband James Rothschild named their new baby Lily Grace Victoria Rothschild.
That name doesn’t surprise me much; it’s pretty much what I’d expect two rich people to name their kid. Lily Grace Victoria sounds like a child whose bedroom walls are covered with horse jumping ribbons and sleeps in a queen-sized canopy bed. Lily Grace Victoria Rothschild is only hours old, but I feel like she’s already sent a Mason Pearson hairbrush to Eloise at The Plaza with hand-written message on personalized stationary that says “Tell your nanny to use this, you look positively dreadful.”
What I’m more interested in is what Lily Grace Victoria will call Paris Hilton. Auntie Paris? Aunt Paris? Auntie Pee Pee? No, that’s more of a nickname for Paris’ old assistant. Maybe she’ll let her call her Winky. I like that one.
Here’s Nicky Hilton strolling around New York yesterday. Literally 24 hours later, she was giving birth. I’m going to keep that in mind the next time I eat too much at Taco Bell and am too lazy to get off the couch to throw out the wrappers. “If a 9-months knocked up Nicky Hilton can cruise around New York in 87 degree heat, you sure as hell can get your ass up and walk to the garbage.”
This is one that will either elicit a “The lady from The Mentalist had a kid?” or “OMG Sarah Bailey from The Craft had a kid!” I’m in the latter category, so excuse me while I get excited for Sarah Bailey’s big news.
Robin Tunney, aka Sarah from The Craft and Debra from Empire Records, is a first-time mom. 44-year-old Robin announced the news yesterday on Instagram that she had recently given birth to a baby boy that was put inside her by her fiancé Nicky Marmet. The photographer who took her baby’s picture confirmed that her baby’s birthday happened around two weeks ago. Oooh, do I smell another secret baby? Actually, this seems more like an “I was waiting to find the right baby basket for his first newborn photoshoot” situation.
Robin isn’t kidding. She kept very hush about being pregnant; someone else actually announced her pregnancy for her. Which is sad, really, because I believe legend has it that every time a famous person gets knocked up and doesn’t Instagram a picture of the piss stick with the hashtag #ClearblueConfirmed, a celebrity angel loses its private cloud booth in Heaven’s equivalent of The Nice Guy.
Onto that baby’s name! As you can see above, Robin didn’t pay tribute to the two greatest credits on her IMDB page by naming her baby Manon or Shockmi. Robin and Nicky named their new baby Oscar Holly. Oscar is pretty normal. But Holly? That’s an odd choice. And you know it’s bound to be something little Oscar gets real tired of quickly around the holidays. “Oh look, you brought me a sprig of holly…because my middle name is Holly. You know, I think I mention this every year, but I’m really more of a mistletoe person.”
Despite the fact that I know it’s physically impossible for a human woman to carry a baby for more than 9-ish months, it honestly feels like Emily Blunt was pregnant for at least two years. She was very knocked-up while promoting The Huntsman: Winter’s War, which again, feels like it happened last year, but apparently that was only back in April. Regardless of the black hole that is my memory, Emily Blunt finally gave birth to the second baby she made with John Krasinski.
Just like the first time they announced they had made a baby, Jim from The Office confirmed the news yesterday on Twitter. Apparently Emily popped out Baby Blunt two weeks ago. I don’t know if that’s technically long enough to consider this a “secret baby” situation. I’ll have to double check with the Secret Celebrity Baby Manual.
What better way to celebrate the 4th… than to announce our 4th family member!!! 2 weeks ago we met our beautiful daughter Violet #Happy4th
— John Krasinski (@johnkrasinski) July 4, 2016
New baby Violet Krasinski is Emily and John’s second daughter. They already have a 2-year-old daughter named Hazel.
Emily Blunt is going to play Mary Poppins in an upcoming movie. So it’s sort of fitting that her kids would sound like Jane and Michael Banks’even-wealthier cousins from the English countryside who look down on their city cousins for having a nanny that fell randomly from the sky and bangs the dude who cleans their chimney. However, on the Famous Baby Name scale, Hazel and Violet are pretty normal. Yes, they sound like two color options on a services list at a Tumblr-inspired salon on Melrose that only does pastel hair jobs and nose rings (free tattoo choker with every piercing). But when you’re dealing with options that include “Steak” or “Ode Mountain” or “Juppiter“, Hazel and Violet are practically Ella and Madison.
The “the steak doesn’t fall far from the beef jerky-faced tree” jokes are too easy.
Sean Penn has two children with Robin Wright: 25-year-old Dylan Frances and 22-year-old Hopper Jack. According to Hopper, the name written on his birth certificate wasn’t his father’s first choice. Hopper tells Interview magazine that if the decision had been left up to Sean Penn, his name would be Steak Penn. Yes, steak like the food. Why? Because Sean Penn apparently really loves steak.
“My dad wanted to name me Steak, the food, because he loves it so much. But my mom was never going to go for it.”
I never really pictured Sean Penn as being a steak kind of guy. I guess I just always assumed that Sean Penn survived on a diet that consists solely of Carolina Reaper hot peppers and popcorn. Peppers to maintain his high levels of white-hot rage, and popcorn to keep him in a constant state of being perpetually agitated. Nothing is more agitating that trying to always feeling like you’ve got a popcorn kernel stuck in between your teeth.
I can’t really shit on Sean Penn for wanting to name his kid after a type of food. When I was a kid, there was a brand of lactose-free milk called Lactancia, and I thought that was just about the most glamorous name I had ever heard and swore I was going to name a child Lactancia. So, I get it, Sean. I don’t condone it, but I understand.
As for why they chose Hopper instead, Hopper says it was because his dad “idolized” Dennis Hopper, and that his mother claims he hopped in her stomach rather than kicked. He didn’t kick? Really? Are we sure he’s actually Sean Penn’s son?
I wasn’t even aware that Jena Malone was pregnant. Or maybe I did know that, but I can only remember a certain amount of famous knocked-up people news and I decided to reserve it all for Courtney Stodden’s pregnancy. 31-year-old Jena Malone announced today on Instagram that she has given birth to her first child, a son, she made with artist/photographer boyfriend Ethan DeLorenzo.
“The best weekend of our lives!!! What an incredible blessing to be chosen by this amazing, kind, gentle and beautiful soul to be his parents. Humbled and in complete awe that we get to experience the most ancient and transcendent love that exists.
Thank you Ode Mountain DeLorenzo Malone.”
“Ancient and transcendent love“? That sounds like a birth announcement written by someone who presses their own turmeric milk because they can’t be guaranteed that the bottled stuff at the co-op hasn’t come into contact with a yuppie’s filthy normie hands. With that being said, that completely explains that name. Let’s forget for a second that “Ode Mountain” sounds like how Nicole Kidman would pronounce Cold Mountain if she had some leftover Botox freezing in her sinuses. Ode Mountain sounds like a company started by two guys from Colorado who met at a Phish concert that makes 100% organic cruelty-free camping tarps and sleeping bags (cruelty free because they’re sewn in a way that doesn’t traumatize the ground when you sleep on it).
I do feel sort of bad though. Soleil Moon Frye was probably going to name a future child Ode Mountain, and now she has to cross that name off her list.
Here’s a pregnant Jenna and her boyfriend Ethan DeLorean at a fashion show back in February.