Category: Baby Names

Billy Corgan Is Somebody’s Father Now

December 22, 2015 / Posted by:

People says that noted pussy lover and Tila Tequila’s one-time piece (2009 was a weird time) Billy Corgan made a baby with his girlfriend of 2 years Chloe Mendel, who is a singer-songwriter type and daughter of fashion designer Gilles Mendel. 48-year-old Billy and 22-year-old Chloe live in Chicago together and both work at his tea shop/art studio Madame ZuZu’s. (Fun fact: Chloe was born two years after Smashing Pumpkins’ first album came out. We’re all old and I can feel my pubes turning white.) Chloe birthed out a baby pumpkin prince on November 16 and Billy’s rep just got around to telling everyone it happened. And sadly, Billy didn’t name his son, Stay Away From Rose McGowan Corgan.

The singer-songwriter and Chloe Mendel welcomed their first child, son Augustus Juppiter Corgan, on Monday, Nov. 16, his rep confirms to PEOPLE.

They should’ve went with “Augustus Gloop,” because I speak for all of us when I say that every time we see the name “Augustus” we automatically see “Gloop” after it. I don’t even know what a “Juppiter” is. Did Billy and Chloe just throw that extra p in there to up the fuckery factor? I Googled “Juppiter” and the only thing that came up was a page saying that “juppiteris an alternative form of “luppiter” and “luppiter” is Latin for Jupiter. There’s nothing more hipster than naming your baby after the alternative form of a Latin name for a Roman God. Well, when Augustus Juppiter gets older, he can start a space-themed electro band with Rocket Zot and Pilot Inspektor.

And I really hope that Kim Gordon sends Billy a note that reads: “Congrats on your newborn, but you’re still the biggest fucking crybaby in your house.”

Pic: Getty

Yeezus Christ: Kanye West And Kim Kartrashian Named Their Son “Saint”

December 7, 2015 / Posted by:

In news that’ll probably make God’s administrative offices file a copyright infringement lawsuit against Kim Kartrashian and Kanye West, the two throbbing ego-filled pimples confirmed today that giving their kid a name that will get them as much attention as possible is more important than giving their kid a name that won’t make him cringe.

There was a rumor that Kim and Kanye were going to name their brand new son Robert” after her dad, but ho please. The day they give their kid a normal, boring name like “Robert West” is the day that Pimp Mama Kris stops re-energizing her evil by feeding on the blood of her victims. We all figured they’d bring the foolery with their baby’s name, but I was hoping they’d go with something like “Go West” or “Wild Wild West” or the more honest “Why Me West.” But they decided to name him Saint West, which sounds like the name of the third most busiest hospital in the Seattle area. It sounds like the name of a hospital that Shonda Rhimes would write a show about.

Kim burped up the announcement with emojis, of kourse, on her site today:

Screen-Shot-2015-12-07-at-12.18.32-PM

Well, if you were a newborn baby and found out your parents are Kanye and Kim, your first words would probably be, “SANTO DIOS,” so I guess that name is pretty fitting. But what’s even more dreadful is that the name Saint West isn’t even original. Pete Wentz named his son Saint Laszlo Wentz last year. So Kanye basically copied a member of Fall Out Boy.

Believe it or not, but naming one of their own Saint West isn’t the most ridiculous thing the Kartrashians have done today. That achievement goes to St. West’s pimp lovey who made crucifixes turn upside down and genitals shrivel up and die with this dark-sided video of her swimming in a pool of Caitlyn Jenner and Lamar Odom’s tears for Love Magazine’s advent calendar. This is the real war on Christmas.

Pic: Getty

Bristol Palin Is Naming Her Kid “Sailor” Too

November 24, 2015 / Posted by:

Misshapen raffia bow Kristin Cavallari announced yesterday that she and her broken light bulb of a husband Jay Cutler gave their third child, a girl, the name “Saylor James.” While many of us ran over to that “Taylee-McKarty-Lakynn” picture to double check to see if “Saylor” was on it, the Princess of Alaska Bristol Palin let everyone know on Instagram (via UsWeekly) that she’s naming her baby after a sea man. Bristol said that she came up with the name before hearing that the chick from Laguna Beach named her daughter “Saylor.” Sailor Moon is side-eyeing both of those messes.

when you find out @kristincavallari named her baby the exact name you are naming yours what a weird coincidence .. congrats on your new bundle, and I do love her name.. Still naming my baby girl Sailor!

Bristol’s son’s name is Tripp and “The Tripp And Sailor” sounds like a dance that was really popular at weddings in the late 80s. If naming your daughter “Sailor” becomes a thing, there’s going to be a nation full of girls who will become experts at eye-rolling, because they’ll hear the phrase, “Hey there, Sailor,” at least three times a day.

If Bristol thinks she came up with that name first, she needs to stop, because before she could even spell “sailor” (although, she probably only learned how to spell it correctly last week), Christie Brinkley named her daughter that! Trick needs to give credit where credit is due. And since we’re on the subject of Christie and need a palate cleanser (because Bristol), here she is busting out a “Bitch, you know I still got it,” pose while on vacation.

Pic: Instagram

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Kristin Cavallari Named Her New Baby After A Dog She Met

November 23, 2015 / Posted by:

Former reality trick, current clip-on bangs entrepreneur and star of Gawker’s 500 Days of Kristin, Kristin Cavallari, birthed out the third baby she made with her husband Jay Cutler of the Chicago Bears. Kristin and Jay already have a 3-year-old son named Camden Jack and an 18-month-old son named Jaxon Wyatt. They obviously love giving their kids names that sound like a cross between the name of a whisky and the name of the villain’s sidekick in an old-timey western movie. Well, they kept with that theme when naming their brand new daughter who was born today. Kristin burped up this note on Instagram:

Saylor James Cutler was born today at 132pm!!

It’s official: Kristin Cavallari is the generic brand version of Blake NotSoLively who is the generic brand version of Goopy Paltrow.

Since Kristin is a serious business woman, I figured she picked the name “Saylor James,” because it sounds like the name of a nautical-themed line of children’s clothes sold exclusively at Kohl’s. And if she ever gets a children’s clothing line at Kohl’s, she’ll already have the name picked out. But a couple of months ago, Kristin told People that she got the name for her daughter from some lady’s dog:

“We picked out this baby girl’s name when I was pregnant with our first. I met a woman and her dog, and I loved her dog’s name. Funny enough, it was the name she had picked out if she had a girl, but she had boys, so she used it for her dog instead.”

When Saylor gets old enough, she’s going to track down Saylor the Dog and curse that pooch out for being the reason why her name is Saylor. No, Saylor isn’t that bad, and besides, her mom follows the wisdom of Jenny McCarthy, so being named Saylor is the very, very least of her problems.

Pic: Splash

Jessa Duggar Truly Outdid Her Parents In The Baby Name Department

November 11, 2015 / Posted by:

If you’re in Arkansas and see a brand new baby crawling toward the Name Changing Office, pick him up and help him fill out the forms, because he needs your damn help in a major way. Jessa Duggar and her husband Ben Seewald became parents to a baby boy a few days ago and they said it took them a while to pick out their kid’s name. During that time, they both must have gotten a concussion and jacked up their brains, because the name they chose is made of 100% potent WTF. They named him:

SPURGEON ELLIOT SEEWALD

For once, that is not a typo made by me. That is what they really named the human child who they are supposed to love. As if having Jim Bob as a grandpa isn’t bad enough. Now that kid’s gotta go through life with the first name Spurgeon. The 11th commandment should be Thou Shalt Not Name Your Kid Spurgeon.

SpurGeon SeeWald sounds like the name of SpongeBob SquarePants’ arch rival who lives in a coconut under the sea. Spuregon also sounds like the name of a surgeon who only operates on sperm.

In a video on TLC.com, Jessa and Ben said that they named their kid after Charles Spurgeon, who was a famous British preacher in the 1800s. Sure, they could’ve named their baby “Charles,” but then they probably wouldn’t have gotten a whole lot of attention and that would be a waste. This is what Charles Spurgeon looked like:

spurgeon2015g

Dude looks like he plays the banjo in a hipster folk band from Brooklyn and I’d definitely hump on him at a bear bar, but I would not name my kid after him.

Oh well, at least Spurgeon Seewald will be homeschooled so he won’t have to deal with kids calling him “Spooge.” So, there’s that.

Zooey Deschanel Gave Her Baby A Very Zooey Deschanel Name

October 20, 2015 / Posted by:

Ukelette Doily, Sassafras Anjou, Winnifred Clementine and Dew Drop Paper Rose are just a few of the names I guessed Etsy yarn doll Zooey Deschanel would name the bundle of baby she gave birth to in Austin, TX a few months ago. Sadly, Zooey and her hipster husband Jacob Pechenik didn’t go with any of those names, but they gave their baby daughter a name that puts the twee in twee. These two are otter their minds (the gong is in the shop so you can’t GONG me this time), because they named their daughter the adorkable name of Elsie Otter. Elsie. Otter.

Naya Rivera Had A Baby

September 30, 2015 / Posted by:

Naya Rivera (aka Santana from Glee) and her husband of a year Ryan Dorsey (aka a dude whose claim to fame is that he bareback boned and married Santana from Glee) became first-time parents on September 17th and I guess it took them a couple of weeks to try to sell the info to absolutely anybody before nobody bit and they said, fuckit, we’ll release it for free.

Naya’s rep tells People that she had a baby boy in Los Angeles. Since Naya paid plastic surgeons to Kardashian-ize her mug using rubber and soil jelly, I figured she’d take her Kim Kardashian impersonation to the next level by naming her kid something like South Dorsey Rivera or Mik Naihsadrak Dorsey Rivera. But TMZ dug up her kid’s birth certificate and this is what she and Ryan named their baby boy:

Naya and the “Justified” star just had their first kid — a boy born on September 17 — and according to the birth certificate … named him Josey.

Josey Hollis Dorsey … in full, came into the world at the ever popular celeb birth spot — Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in L.A.

JOSEY DORSEY. JOSEY DORSEY. JOSEY DORSEY.

I guess Naya and Ryan are really big fans of Clint Eastwood or they’re really big fans of a certain buff gay country singer. I kind of like the name actually, because it sounds like a tongue twister you’d say 10 times before performing a monologue during high school drama class and it also reminds me of Josie Grosey from Never Been Kissed. If Naya’s kid ever decides to legally change his name, he’s going to scream, “I’m not JOSEY DORSEY anymore!”, afterward.

Here’s a knocked up Naya and Ryan doing stuff in L.A. a couple of months ago.

Pics: Wenn.com

The Daily Mail Claims They Know What Benedict Cumberbatch And Sophie Hunter Named Their Baby

August 30, 2015 / Posted by:

It’s been eleven weeks since Benedict Cumberbatch’s chosen human bride gave birth to the future king of lizards, and now it looks like we might know what name Benedict Cumberbatch and Sophie Hunter bestowed upon their spawn. Finally, we can all sleep at night!

Benedict and Sophie haven’t said shit about their new baby, because they sort of like privacy (or maybe they’re just waiting for a $2 million check from Lizard People magazine for the ~exclusive~ reveal). But the Daily Mail says they know what Benedict wrote on Baby Cumberbatch’s birth certificate. And that name is: Christopher Carlton Cumberbatch.

“Christopher was the name of the character Benedict played in Sir Tom Stoppard’s TV adaptation of Parade’s End, while Carlton is a family middle name shared by Benedict and his actor father Timothy.”

Again, no one knows for sure if that’s Baby Cumberbatch’s real name, since Benedict and Sophie haven’t confirmed it. So it could be Christopher Carlton Cumberbatch. Or it could be Jaiden Jaxon Camdyn Cumberbatch. Until we see the receipts, let’s just go with Christopher Carlton.

With that being said, I am 100% on board with the name Christopher Carlton Cumberbatch. First, because you can shorten it down to C.C. Cumberbatch, which reminds me of peroxide hair metal legend C.C. DeVille from Poison, and that’s never a bad thing. Second, because he can pretend his parents named him after Carlton Banks from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. Third, because Chris Cumberbatch totally sounds like the name of a rich jock from a 1970s slobs vs. snobs college comedy (possible title: Barf Academy II). It really covers all the bases.

Here’s Chris Cumberbatch’s daddy getting mobbed by a rabid army of Cumberbitches after a performance of Hamlet in London last week:

Pics: Wenn.com

Coco And Ice-T Are Giving Their Baby A Name As Luxurious And Elegant As Them

August 3, 2015 / Posted by:

Last week, we all breathed a sigh of relief after finding out that the future of sophistication is looking bright thanks to Coco being pregnant with her first child. Coco and Ice-T announced on their talk show that the heir to their kingdom of elegance is currently growing in her body. Well, Coco and Ice-T are continuing to get those ratings by dropping details of their unborn baby on their show. On today’s show, Coco and Ice-T told everyone that their first child together is a girl and they even announced her name.

I was really, really hoping that Coco (born name: Nicole Natalie Austin) and Ice-T (born name: Tracy Lauren Marrow) would stick with their family’s beverage name theme by naming their bundle of baby Bacardi Breezer T or Pearl Milk T. But they’re not doing that. Coco and Ice-T have decided that their family needs to completely pay homage to Coco Chanel so they are naming their daughter CHANEL. Most of the Chanels I have met are white Pomeranians, but I once knew a woman whose name was Chanel and she only sang Spice Girls songs at karaoke and I never saw her without a Swarovski stick-on crystal tattoo on her arm. So Chanel T is in good company.

Here’s the clip of Coco and Ice-T announcing that she’s pregnant with a Chanel:

If you watched the rest of that clip then you saw Coco show off her stomach while asking everyone to guess how far along she is. Coco is 21 weeks, so that’s everyone’s cue to scream, “OHMYGAWD NO WAY!” But please, we all know that Coco’s fetus isn’t growing in her stomach area. Her fetus is obviously growing in her ass cheeks. I mean, why live in a studio apartment (read: Coco’s womb) for 9 months when you can live in a sprawling, 8,000 square foot mansion with cathedral ceilings (read: her ass)?

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Ashlee Simpson’s New Baby Has A Name

August 2, 2015 / Posted by:

Ashlee Simpson, the former Limited Too version of Avril Lavigne and current person with one too many Es in their first name who is married to Evan Ross, gave birth to her second baby a couple days ago. At the time, Michael K guessed that the name written on Baby Ross’ birth certificate was “Queens Rikki-Tikki Ross“, which was both 100% absurd and 100% totally plausible, because  = Ashlee Simpson’s past history of naming children. And I’m pleased to announce that yes, Ashlee and Evan brought eight layers of baby name nonsense to their baby’s birth certificate.

UsWeekly says that Ashlee announced the name of Diana Ross’ newest grandbaby on Instagram yesterday. Wait, on Instagram? For free? Ashlee, girl, are you feeling OK? Ashlee and Evan must be huge Rolling Stones fans, because how else do you explain this:

A photo posted by @ashleesimpsonross on

Jagger Snow Ross. I…am not sure. For one thing, poor Jagger is in for a lifetime of “Jagger? I hardly know ‘er!” jokes. Secondly, that middle name is going to require a lot of explanation. Is it Snow because it snowing on the day she was born? No, because she was born in July. Is it Snow because Evan wanted to pay tribute to the man responsible for “Informer“? No, because that would be an instant trigger for neurologists everywhere to call up Ashlee Simpson and inform her that her husband has clearly lost his damn mind.

Maybe it’s because I’m from Canada, but Jagger, Snow, & Ross totally sounds like a personal injury lawyer who specializes in snowmobile accidents. “Side-swiped a moose? Ran over a hidden mailbox? Call Jagger, Snow, & Ross at 1-888-SORRY-EH.

Pic: Wenn.com

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