The “the steak doesn’t fall far from the beef jerky-faced tree” jokes are too easy.
Sean Penn has two children with Robin Wright: 25-year-old Dylan Frances and 22-year-old Hopper Jack. According to Hopper, the name written on his birth certificate wasn’t his father’s first choice. Hopper tells Interview magazine that if the decision had been left up to Sean Penn, his name would be Steak Penn. Yes, steak like the food. Why? Because Sean Penn apparently really loves steak.
“My dad wanted to name me Steak, the food, because he loves it so much. But my mom was never going to go for it.”
I never really pictured Sean Penn as being a steak kind of guy. I guess I just always assumed that Sean Penn survived on a diet that consists solely of Carolina Reaper hot peppers and popcorn. Peppers to maintain his high levels of white-hot rage, and popcorn to keep him in a constant state of being perpetually agitated. Nothing is more agitating that trying to always feeling like you’ve got a popcorn kernel stuck in between your teeth.
I can’t really shit on Sean Penn for wanting to name his kid after a type of food. When I was a kid, there was a brand of lactose-free milk called Lactancia, and I thought that was just about the most glamorous name I had ever heard and swore I was going to name a child Lactancia. So, I get it, Sean. I don’t condone it, but I understand.
As for why they chose Hopper instead, Hopper says it was because his dad “idolized” Dennis Hopper, and that his mother claims he hopped in her stomach rather than kicked. He didn’t kick? Really? Are we sure he’s actually Sean Penn’s son?
I wasn’t even aware that Jena Malone was pregnant. Or maybe I did know that, but I can only remember a certain amount of famous knocked-up people news and I decided to reserve it all for Courtney Stodden’s pregnancy. 31-year-old Jena Malone announced today on Instagram that she has given birth to her first child, a son, she made with artist/photographer boyfriend Ethan DeLorenzo.
“The best weekend of our lives!!! What an incredible blessing to be chosen by this amazing, kind, gentle and beautiful soul to be his parents. Humbled and in complete awe that we get to experience the most ancient and transcendent love that exists.
Thank you Ode Mountain DeLorenzo Malone.”
“Ancient and transcendent love“? That sounds like a birth announcement written by someone who presses their own turmeric milk because they can’t be guaranteed that the bottled stuff at the co-op hasn’t come into contact with a yuppie’s filthy normie hands. With that being said, that completely explains that name. Let’s forget for a second that “Ode Mountain” sounds like how Nicole Kidman would pronounce Cold Mountain if she had some leftover Botox freezing in her sinuses. Ode Mountain sounds like a company started by two guys from Colorado who met at a Phish concert that makes 100% organic cruelty-free camping tarps and sleeping bags (cruelty free because they’re sewn in a way that doesn’t traumatize the ground when you sleep on it).
I do feel sort of bad though. Soleil Moon Frye was probably going to name a future child Ode Mountain, and now she has to cross that name off her list.
Here’s a pregnant Jenna and her boyfriend Ethan DeLorean at a fashion show back in February.
Speaking of feeling like I’m getting really close to the “change my chonies 3 times a day because I keep pissing on myself” stage of life, Punky Brewster is now a 39-year-old mother of four. The child star and fashion icon of the 80s turned mommy blogger posted this picture on Instagram of her snuggling with her fresh-outta-the-womb newborn baby and her 43-year-old husband Jason Goldberg who looks like he can’t wait for the picture to be taken so he can run to the toilet. Soleil Moon Frye posted this caption with the pic:
Welcome to the world our sweet baby boy Story…
Yeah, Story! And Punky and Jason really want everyone to know that they love words, because they also have a 10-year-old daughter named Poet Sienna Rose and a 2-year-old son named Lyric Sonny Roads. Their 8-year-old daughter dodged the “things found in a Barnes & Noble” theme, because her name is Jagger Joseph Blue. All those names together look like the word magnets on a hippie’s refrigerator.
I am mad that Punky has 4 kids and not one of them is named Cherie, Margaux or Brandon. It’s always a sad day when someone forgets where they came from!
And I’m guessing that if Punky and Jason have another kid, that child’s name will either be Haiku, Novel, Tweet, Blog Post, Text or Emoji. But if they really want to pay tribute to literature and the art of true storytelling, they’ll have one more kid just so they can name him or her Jackie Collins Frye Goldberg.
Here’s a knocked up Punky and her husband at some event last November:
Kelly Clarkson, one-half of the greatest on-screen pairing in one of cinema’s greatest masterpieces, finally gave birth to that baby that was living inside her. It felt like Kelly had been pregnant with her second for years. When she appeared on American Idol back in February, I was sure her performance was going to end with Harry Connick Jr. slipping into his doctor costume from the Lifetime movie Living Proof and delivering her baby on stage while her husband Brandon Blackstock cheered them on from the audience. But her baby still had some time to go, and he popped out two days ago. Kelly confirmed the arrival of her baby boy, Remington Alexander Blackstock, earlier today on Twitter.
Our little baby boy has arrived!! Remington Alexander Blackstock was born 4/12/16 & he is healthy & we couldn't be happier or more in love!
— Kelly Clarkson (@kelly_clarkson) April 14, 2016
Kelly and Brandon’s new baby joins their almost 2-year-old daughter River Rose. This also means that sassy lil’ Oklahoma gingersnap Reba McEntire is an honorary memaw again. Reba was Brandon’s step-mama for 26 years, and they’re still close. So congratulations, Remington – you won the baby lottery. You’ll be able fall asleep to Saturday afternoon reruns of Reba with the star of Reba.
As for that name. Kelly is a Texas girl through and through, so it’s sort of fitting that she named her son after America’s oldest gun brand. The only thing more Texas would be if she named her son Roadhouse, or the sound of truck tires squealing. Not to mention just how much more Texas-y it sounds when you put it with his big sister’s name. River & Remington sounds like a company that sells custom-made mechanical bulls for country bars, or Tami Taylor’s favorite rhinestone-covered purse store.
Full House nostalgia is so hot right now. First Netflix gives us the sitcom reboot nobody but Comet the Dog’s desperate out-of-work ass should have been asking for (but that ended up fully satisfying our cheese tooth), Fuller House. Then Stephanie Tanner gets the opportunity to bust out her sweet Motown Philly moves on Dancing with the Stars. Now Seth Meyers and his wife Alexi Ashe have gone ahead and taken it from nostalgia to full-blown Full House obsession by naming their three-day-old son Ashe Olsen. When will it end? When Michael K sells Dlisted so he can move to Las Vegas and pursue his life-long dream of becoming Legends in Concert’s first Kimmy Gibbler impersonator? No, of course not. There can only be one Kimmy Gibbler.
Okay, so Seth didn’t actually name his baby after 1/2 of the Olsen Twins. But he does understand that his new baby’s name is basically two letters away from “Ashley Olsen.” Seth told the story of his son’s name on Late Night with Seth Meyers on Tuesday night. According to Seth, they named their baby Ashe in honor of his wife (Ashe is his wife’s last name), and Olsen, which is his mama’s maiden name. And it’s definitely not an Ashley Olsen thing, because Seth is more of a Mary-Kate. It all happens at the 5:56 mark below.
As long as Pokemon is still a thing by the time Baby Ashe goes to school, I feel like the majority of schoolyard jokes about his name will probably be about trying to catch them all. But I am confident Ashe Olsen’s name will one day work to his advantage. Imagine if Mary-Kate and Ashley decide to expand their billion-dollar empire to include $1,200 designer cigarettes? There’s a good chance they’re going to want the rights to the name Ash by Olsen, and you know they’ll pay top dollar for the naming rights to their favorite accessory.
When Jamie Oliver isn’t out there trying to be the kindler, gentler and healthier Gordon Ramsay, he’s busting fat-free raw nuts up into his wife Jools Oliver and making babies.
Jamie and Jools were at the London premiere of Eddie The Eagle tonight and it was clear that she was either trying to smuggle in bags of popcorn or another fetus has checked into womb. It’s the second one, duh. They told The Mirror that their hippie-named child army is about to get its fifth member. Jamie and Jools’ current child army is made up of 3 girls and 1 boy, and he said that he’d like another dude baby, but he’s okay with whatever they get. Jamie also said that after their fifth kid is born, Jools is going to put up a closed sign on her uterus and pull down the metal gate, because they’re going to retire from the baby making game.
“You know what, I’m always grateful for what I get, it would be nice to balance it out a bit. A bit more testosterone would probably be a good thing, but do you know what, I’m just grateful for whatever I get if it’s healthy and I mean that sincerely.
This was not expected, I can’t even believe I’m saying it. I think my own family were like ‘really?’. But we’re all tuned in to kids, it’s good, it’s carnage.”
But really, who cares about all that. The only thing that matters is what kind of Bath & Body Works lotion scent of a name are they going to give their fifth baby. Jamie and Jools have been purveyors of fuckery-infused baby names for years and they better not let us down for the first time. Jamie only told The Mirror that he’s leaving the name-picking to his wife, as he’s always done. In case you forgot, these are the names of their kids. No, I’m not high on acid and typing the things I’m hallucinating. These are their real names.
Their 14-year-old daughter’s name is Poppy Honey Rosie.
Their 12-year-old daughter’s name is Daisy Boo Pamela.
Their 6-year-old daughter’s name is Petal Blossom Rainbow.
Their 5-year-old son’s name is Buddy Bear Maurice.
So based on those names, I’m going to guess that if it’s a girl, they’re going to name her: Periwinkle Agave Anne, Pollen Bloom Cloud, Daffodil Sparkle Claire or Scootaloo Pound Cake Lotus. If they have a boy, they’re going to name him: Pal Panda Capone or Chum Camel Vito. Or maybe they’ll completely make us all prolapse out of shock by giving their kid a name like: Jane [no middle name] Oliver. God, I hope not.
People says that noted pussy lover and Tila Tequila’s one-time piece (2009 was a weird time) Billy Corgan made a baby with his girlfriend of 2 years Chloe Mendel, who is a singer-songwriter type and daughter of fashion designer Gilles Mendel. 48-year-old Billy and 22-year-old Chloe live in Chicago together and both work at his tea shop/art studio Madame ZuZu’s. (Fun fact: Chloe was born two years after Smashing Pumpkins’ first album came out. We’re all old and I can feel my pubes turning white.) Chloe birthed out a baby pumpkin prince on November 16 and Billy’s rep just got around to telling everyone it happened. And sadly, Billy didn’t name his son, Stay Away From Rose McGowan Corgan.
The singer-songwriter and Chloe Mendel welcomed their first child, son Augustus Juppiter Corgan, on Monday, Nov. 16, his rep confirms to PEOPLE.
They should’ve went with “Augustus Gloop,” because I speak for all of us when I say that every time we see the name “Augustus” we automatically see “Gloop” after it. I don’t even know what a “Juppiter” is. Did Billy and Chloe just throw that extra p in there to up the fuckery factor? I Googled “Juppiter” and the only thing that came up was a page saying that “juppiter” is an alternative form of “luppiter” and “luppiter” is Latin for Jupiter. There’s nothing more hipster than naming your baby after the alternative form of a Latin name for a Roman God. Well, when Augustus Juppiter gets older, he can start a space-themed electro band with Rocket Zot and Pilot Inspektor.
And I really hope that Kim Gordon sends Billy a note that reads: “Congrats on your newborn, but you’re still the biggest fucking crybaby in your house.”
In news that’ll probably make God’s administrative offices file a copyright infringement lawsuit against Kim Kartrashian and Kanye West, the two throbbing ego-filled pimples confirmed today that giving their kid a name that will get them as much attention as possible is more important than giving their kid a name that won’t make him cringe.
There was a rumor that Kim and Kanye were going to name their brand new son “Robert” after her dad, but ho please. The day they give their kid a normal, boring name like “Robert West” is the day that Pimp Mama Kris stops re-energizing her evil by feeding on the blood of her victims. We all figured they’d bring the foolery with their baby’s name, but I was hoping they’d go with something like “Go West” or “Wild Wild West” or the more honest “Why Me West.” But they decided to name him Saint West, which sounds like the name of the third most busiest hospital in the Seattle area. It sounds like the name of a hospital that Shonda Rhimes would write a show about.
Kim burped up the announcement with emojis, of kourse, on her site today:
Well, if you were a newborn baby and found out your parents are Kanye and Kim, your first words would probably be, “SANTO DIOS,” so I guess that name is pretty fitting. But what’s even more dreadful is that the name Saint West isn’t even original. Pete Wentz named his son Saint Laszlo Wentz last year. So Kanye basically copied a member of Fall Out Boy.
Believe it or not, but naming one of their own Saint West isn’t the most ridiculous thing the Kartrashians have done today. That achievement goes to St. West’s pimp lovey who made crucifixes turn upside down and genitals shrivel up and die with this dark-sided video of her swimming in a pool of Caitlyn Jenner and Lamar Odom’s tears for Love Magazine’s advent calendar. This is the real war on Christmas.
Misshapen raffia bow Kristin Cavallari announced yesterday that she and her broken light bulb of a husband Jay Cutler gave their third child, a girl, the name “Saylor James.” While many of us ran over to that “Taylee-McKarty-Lakynn” picture to double check to see if “Saylor” was on it, the Princess of Alaska Bristol Palin let everyone know on Instagram (via UsWeekly) that she’s naming her baby after a sea man. Bristol said that she came up with the name before hearing that the chick from Laguna Beach named her daughter “Saylor.” Sailor Moon is side-eyeing both of those messes.
when you find out @kristincavallari named her baby the exact name you are naming yours what a weird coincidence .. congrats on your new bundle, and I do love her name.. Still naming my baby girl Sailor!
Bristol’s son’s name is Tripp and “The Tripp And Sailor” sounds like a dance that was really popular at weddings in the late 80s. If naming your daughter “Sailor” becomes a thing, there’s going to be a nation full of girls who will become experts at eye-rolling, because they’ll hear the phrase, “Hey there, Sailor,” at least three times a day.
If Bristol thinks she came up with that name first, she needs to stop, because before she could even spell “sailor” (although, she probably only learned how to spell it correctly last week), Christie Brinkley named her daughter that! Trick needs to give credit where credit is due. And since we’re on the subject of Christie and need a palate cleanser (because Bristol), here she is busting out a “Bitch, you know I still got it,” pose while on vacation.
So excited to make something special with the driftwood I just found ( under my foot) I am wearing Neutrogens Wet Skin broad spectrum . And I always have a hat !! For more tips on diet,exercise, hair make up etc check out my new book Timeless Beauty now available in book stores everywhere! @brinkleybeauty #timelessbeauty
Former reality trick, current clip-on bangs entrepreneur and star of Gawker’s 500 Days of Kristin, Kristin Cavallari, birthed out the third baby she made with her husband Jay Cutler of the Chicago Bears. Kristin and Jay already have a 3-year-old son named Camden Jack and an 18-month-old son named Jaxon Wyatt. They obviously love giving their kids names that sound like a cross between the name of a whisky and the name of the villain’s sidekick in an old-timey western movie. Well, they kept with that theme when naming their brand new daughter who was born today. Kristin burped up this note on Instagram:
Saylor James Cutler was born today at 132pm!!
It’s official: Kristin Cavallari is the generic brand version of Blake NotSoLively who is the generic brand version of Goopy Paltrow.
Since Kristin is a serious business woman, I figured she picked the name “Saylor James,” because it sounds like the name of a nautical-themed line of children’s clothes sold exclusively at Kohl’s. And if she ever gets a children’s clothing line at Kohl’s, she’ll already have the name picked out. But a couple of months ago, Kristin told People that she got the name for her daughter from some lady’s dog:
“We picked out this baby girl’s name when I was pregnant with our first. I met a woman and her dog, and I loved her dog’s name. Funny enough, it was the name she had picked out if she had a girl, but she had boys, so she used it for her dog instead.”
When Saylor gets old enough, she’s going to track down Saylor the Dog and curse that pooch out for being the reason why her name is Saylor. No, Saylor isn’t that bad, and besides, her mom follows the wisdom of Jenny McCarthy, so being named Saylor is the very, very least of her problems.