Chris Pratt And Katherine Schwarzenegger Probably Won’t Take Anna Faris Up On Her Offer To Officiate Their Wedding
Chris Pratt and Anna Faris had one of the politest and most efficient divorces in recent memory (even if it seemed to have lasted an eternity), so it’s not surprising that they maintain a warm and supportive relationship. Both have moved on, Anna’s got her cinematographer boyfriend, and Chris just got engaged to Jesus by way of Katherine Schwarzenegger. Anna recently addressed the engagement on her podcast Unqualified and said that Chris texted her the news the very next morning. She was so happy for them, she hinted she would be willing to officiate the wedding herself! But it’s unlikely they’d accept. According to People, they will probably want Jesus to handle it.
Brandi Glanville is a like a blonde jack-in-the-box who just can’t stop popping up with dumbshit stunts every couple of months. Friday night the former Real Housewives of Beverly Hills hustler got her name back in the papers by popping a low-down squat over a statue of Sweet Baby J in a nativity scene. She posted the photo (seen above) on social media with the caption, “Never forget the reason for the season.”
You’ll probably recall that Brandi has gotten herself into trouble before with her teen-level trolling. Almost a year ago, fellow housewife Joanna Krupa slapped a lawsuit at Brandi for implying that her coot was less than fresh. Then in June, Bravo gave the Glanvillain an official demotion because even though they’re in the business of contrived friendships and their various cat fights, Brandi was just not likeable enough. And we don’t need to even get into her diaper rash of a love life.
Supposedly the photo is showing Brandi pretending to give birth, or she’s sitting on Baby J’s face. I don’t know….
As you can imagine, a ton of people were not showing up for her joke and plenty of them were OUTRAGED and shouting “sacrilege!” at her and her unfortunate root situation. The Daily Mail reports that she has deleted the post from Instagram, but not from Facebook. What she needs to do is delete her internet service. Someone please just give Brandi one of those fake smart phones for babies this Christmas. She’ll never know the difference.
Pic: Facebook via TMZ
Speaking of feeling like I’m getting really close to the “change my chonies 3 times a day because I keep pissing on myself” stage of life, Punky Brewster is now a 39-year-old mother of four. The child star and fashion icon of the 80s turned mommy blogger posted this picture on Instagram of her snuggling with her fresh-outta-the-womb newborn baby and her 43-year-old husband Jason Goldberg who looks like he can’t wait for the picture to be taken so he can run to the toilet. Soleil Moon Frye posted this caption with the pic:
Welcome to the world our sweet baby boy Story…
Yeah, Story! And Punky and Jason really want everyone to know that they love words, because they also have a 10-year-old daughter named Poet Sienna Rose and a 2-year-old son named Lyric Sonny Roads. Their 8-year-old daughter dodged the “things found in a Barnes & Noble” theme, because her name is Jagger Joseph Blue. All those names together look like the word magnets on a hippie’s refrigerator.
I am mad that Punky has 4 kids and not one of them is named Cherie, Margaux or Brandon. It’s always a sad day when someone forgets where they came from!
And I’m guessing that if Punky and Jason have another kid, that child’s name will either be Haiku, Novel, Tweet, Blog Post, Text or Emoji. But if they really want to pay tribute to literature and the art of true storytelling, they’ll have one more kid just so they can name him or her Jackie Collins Frye Goldberg.
Here’s a knocked up Punky and her husband at some event last November:
I didn’t know that all you had to do to get upgrades to your body was to slap your hands together, mumble something that sounds like ‘Now I lay me down to sleep’ and wish for it. I’d super appreciate having clear skin; could one of you do me a favor and bust out a prayer on my behalf? I’d do it myself, but I have a feeling God won’t be pleased with the supercut of my life and would send my ass to voicemail.
In an article that falls somewhere between hard-hitting journalistic integrity and interviewing Grumpy Cat, GQ (via Us Weekly) sat down with Katy Perry to talk about Darfur, climate change, NSA leaks, aaaaand I’m bullshitting you; they talked about her tits:
On how God let your sick hamster die in 3rd grade because he was too busy granting Katy’s wish for massive chichis:
“I lay on my back one night and looked down at my feet, and I prayed to God. I said, ‘God, will you please let me have boobs so big that I can’t see my feet when I’m lying down?'” she tells GQ of wanting big breasts early in life. At age 11, “God answered my prayers,” she said. “I had no clue they would fall into my armpits eventually.”
On how Katy’s learned to embrace her conventionally-beautiful face and body:
“I’ve never had any plastic surgery,” she reveals. “Not a nose, not a chin, not a cheek, not a tit. So my messages of self-empowerment are truly coming from an au natural product.”
On how she’s not quite ready to make John Mayer Husband No. 2:
“I think that I needed to grow up,” she says of moving on. “I’m just having a wonderful experience with a wonderful guy. There’s no rush.”
On how losing her virginity was like a scene from a shitty CW teen drama:
Perry isn’t shy about expressing her love — or opening up about her sex life. She admitted to GQ that she lost her virginity at the age of 16 while listening to Jeff Buckley’s album Grace in the front seat of a Volvo sedan. “Love that record so much,” she quips.
Wow, if you switched out Volvo sedan for partially-rusted Pontiac Sunfire, and Jeff Buckley’s Grace with Guns N’ Roses’s November Rain on a CD that keeps skipping, she could be talking about my first time! Meeeeeeemorieeeeesssss…
Here’s more of Katy showing off her God Presents in the February 2014 issue of GQ:
(Pics via GQ)
At a club in NYC on Thursday night, 52-year-old Madge was seen sucking the precious life out of 33-year-old Barhim Rachiki, a choreographer on her Dry & Itchy tour, and Baby Jesus was nowhere in sight. Seriously, the source checked under the banquettes for Baby Jesus since toddlers like to play hide & seek everywhere, but he wasn’t there. They checked the bathroom to see if Baby Jesus’ night nanny was giving him a quick bath in the sink, but nope. So it looks like Madge might have dropped Baby Jesus back into the stork’s mouth and replaced him with a new piece.
The source tells Page Six about Madge and Barhim’s night together, “They came in together and were holding hands in a private area. Madonna got up and was dancing for an hour straight before going back to her man. They immediately started making out in front of other guests.”
One would think that Madge would go even younger after Baby Jesus. You know, maybe she’d take Jaden Smith out for a date in the bouncy balls at Bullwinkle’s, or even slip her number into the snatch of a woman who is pregnant with a boy. But no, Madge has turned everything upside down by scratching her vag on a 33-year-old! Even bitch’s coochie is into reinventing itself.
The nickname Vadge is temporarily on hiatus, because lately Madge has been keeping her crotch tomb of souls covered with layers upon layers of clothes found in the Salvation Army donation bin. Seriously, there’s Baby Jesus airing his armpits out in London while Madge is bundled up like she’s got the old people chills. And she’s wearing pajama bottoms!
Bitch looks like the crazy lady down the street who feeds the alley cats frozen fish sticks and keeps her porch light on at Halloween even though not one kid dares knocks on her front door. On the other side, those corn rows make Baby Jesus look like a street hustler who shakes his ass in a jock strap at an after hours Latino gay club.
These two are getting weirder and weirder by the second. I like where this mess is going.