Today’s theme is turning out to be: Sex and Tennis. Please let the theme continue! I really hope a locker room sex tape starring Feliciano Lopez and Fernando Verdasco leaks. (Yes, I had no idea who those two were until four seconds ago after Googling, “Who are the hottest tennis pieces?“)
Not that the possibility of being a child support check provider to an Instagram model was on his mind, but now it’s really not on Drake’s mind. Because Drake is too busy taking a crash-course training in how to be a birth coach and nanny now that his one-time boo is knocked up. As Beyonce grows the newest holy messiahs in her womb, Serena Williams is growing the future ruler of tennis in her body.
For the past couple of years, it’s been no secret that Tori Spelling and Dean McDermott’s marriage has been messy. Constant financial woes, The Deaner’s wandering peener, etc… Then Tori got pregnant with their fifth kid, and it seemed like everything was roses and rainbows again. Well, Tori recently spoke to People magazine about lil’ baby Beau Dean and it sounds like he’s doing a good job of keeping Tori and Dean stuck together.
More like, “Another UsWeekly Cover At Last!”
Ceiling Eyes, Kristin Cavallari, Holly Montag and Stacie the Bartender already have kids. Lauren Conrad currently has a baby in her womb. So does the unseasoned sliver of soggy celery stalk who worked at Teen Vogue. And now it’s Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag’s turn to spawn! The Hills are alive with the sound of pregnancy farts. It’s as if MTV paid them all to have children around the same time, because in 20 years, all of those kids can be cast members on The Hills reboot called The Flats. MTV will have to call it The Flats since erosion will eat the Hollywood Hills by then.
Bradley Cooper and his piece of 2 years Irina Shayk never publicly admitted that a Cooper-Shayk fetus was growing in her womb, but she let that fact be known at the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show last year. Irina sashayed down the runway while working a slightly covered-up teeny tiny bump that on a skinny lingerie model says, “I’m 5 months knocked up,” but on us regulars says, “I’ve been on the Master Cleanse for 10 days, I just had two enemas in a row and I’m sucking in so hard that I’ve got two broken rib bones now.” That baby is apparently here now and everyone is reporting that the kid was pulled out of Irina’s body two weeks ago. I know, if a celebrity baby is born and a black and white picture of the child’s hand clutching onto one of his parents’ fingers doesn’t show up on Instagram immediately, was the celebrity baby ever born? That is the eternal question.
It felt like forever ago that former porn star-turned-disaster Jenna Jameson announced her fiancé Lior Bitton had knocked her up with her third child. Both Jenna and Lior announced the news on Instagram that she had given birth to an 8lb daughter yesterday that they named Batel Lu Bitton.
I am so proud to introduce everyone to my newborn daughter! Her name is Batel Lu Bitton. She was born at 8lbs exactly and 21 inches long. She is so calm and graceful it's hard to look at her not feel overwhelmed. I had a very long labor (12 hours) and pushed for an intense 22 minutes. We are head over heels in love with her 💫 welcome to the world little star, Mommy loves you ⭐️
This is 42-year-old Jenna’s first kid with 42-year-old Lior. She has 8-year-old twin boys named Jesse and Journey with Tito Ortiz. Tito has full custody of their boys.
Jenna’s fiancé is from Israel and is Jewish (Jenna converted), which would explain Baby Batel’s name.
Jenna Jameson and a new baby makes me feel a teensy bit nervous, because I keep having flashbacks to the first time Jenna tried to be a mom. But I’m going to stay positive. Well, let’s see. Oh, I’ve got something – a new baby means Jenna will be too busy wiping up baby dookie and milk barfs to go on four-hour long racist Twitter rants. Damn, this glass is a hard one to fill up half-way.
Jason Biggs and Jenny Mollen announced today that they’re expecting a second child. The Spike TV version of Dax Shepard and Kristen Bell already have a three-year-old son named Sid Biggs. Since Jason and Jenny are a combination of so extra and not-right, I assumed they would have announced their baby news through a series of Instagram stories in which Jason reminds us of his love of urine by pretending to play Jenny’s piss stick like a flute. They actually kept it somewhat normal. Well, normal for them.
In case you don’t know, a NoseFrida is a device you use to suck snot out of a baby’s nose. A sponsored Instagram pregnancy announcement involving an actor who was super famous in the 2000s that wasn’t for Clearblue? I bet the social media team at Clearblue just gasped in shock.
I hope Jenny and Jason remember to Instagram a second, less gross announcement tomorrow for everyone. I’ve been dry heaving for the past 10 minutes at the thought of Jason Biggs getting sucked off in any way, and I have a feeling the lack of air to my brain is going to affect my memory.