There’s been so much shitty and depressing news around here that we really needed some uplifting news that will give us hope for our future, and leave it to CoCo and Ice-T to give us that. The undisputed Empress of the Camel Toe has announced that growing in her pink rhinestone-encrusted womb is the heir to her and Ice-T’s kingdom of demure elegance. 36-year-old CoCo is pregnant with the baby she made with her 57-year-old husband of 14 years Ice-T. This will be CoCo’s first child and Ice-T already has two grown kids and a 20-year-old grandson (who is currently facing manslaughter charges). It is a good day when we find out that CoCo will teach another human her ways.
While taping her new talk show with Ice-T on Friday, CoCo told the audience that in a few months, her crown jewel of a vagina will release a bundle of preciousness that is more valuable than the cloud of diamond dust she usually queefs out. For those of us who weren’t lucky enough to be at her show’s taping on Friday, CoCo tweeted the news this morning while pushing the premiere date of her new show.
I'm pregnant!!! Yah!! Ice & I are so excited! I announced it Friday on our new talkshow which airs Aug 3rd. pic.twitter.com/CYVHKD5yud
— Coco (@cocosworld) July 27, 2015
With this pregnancy, CoCo is going to clench her title as the undisputed camel toe champion. When she steps out in maternity Spandex leggings, her crotch is going to look like an entire nail salon for camels. CoCo’s pregnant camel toe is going to shut down all camel toes.
And as for the baby’s name…..
Since CoCo and Ice-T both have names that can be found on a Starbucks menu, I’m hoping that they name their little baby friend Chai Latte T.
In California, it’s illegal to use newborns younger than 15 days old for any kind of TV or movie shoot. Babies who are between the ages of 16 days and 6 months can be used but only for 20 minutes a day. If there wasn’t a law, Michelle Duggar would have moved to California a long time ago and opened up a newborn acting agency in her twat. But in South Africa, where Sean Penn is directing a movie, there are no laws like that and a newborn baby can go directly from the womb to the makeup chair on a film set.
Deadline says that the hairy Craisin is currently in Cape Town doing reshoots for a movie called The Last Face (Side note: That face above might’ve been the last face you’ve seen, because there’s a good chance his piping hot skin burned your retinas). In the movie, Sean’s ex-piece Charlize Theron and Javier Bardem play doctors who are doing humanitarian relief work amidst a political/social revolution in Africa. Adèle Exarchopoulos and Jean Reno also star, and soon a 10-second-old baby will also join the cast.
Production recently put out a casting call for a pregnant black woman who is due to give birth any second now. If you’re a pregnant black woman in Cape Town who wants her newborn to be in a Sean Penn movie, but you’re going into labor right now, you better cross your legs tight and keep that baby up in there for another day. (Tip: Keep a picture of Jim Bob Duggar at the foot of your cooch and your baby will crawl up the other way real fast.) Production needs a baby that is coming into this world on either Saturday or Sunday. The baby will make $120 a day and may have to work for 2 days. Here’s the WTF notice they put out:
They should pay that baby more than $120 a day. That child is going to need some extra money to pay for all the therapy they’ll have to get from staring at Sean Penn’s George Hamilton nutsack face during the first few days of their life. I was going to say that Sean should rewrite the role and get Clint Eastwood to send him over the American Sniper fake baby, but that won’t work. The American Sniper fake baby is more famous than everyone in that movie and there’s no way Sean can afford its day rate.
Here’s Charlize working Heidi braids at the L.A. premiere of the straight-to-DirecTV movie Dark Places.
Kandi Burruss, one of the only ones on The Real Housewives of Atlanta who has at least an ounce of reason in her brain, is growing a fetus in her kandi-koated uterus. Kandi and her gold digging husband Todd Tucker (copyright: Mama Joyce) announced that she’s pregnant with their first baby together. I’m sure that as soon as Todd’s elf nut knocked Kandi up, Andy Cohen magically appeared in a cloud of smoke and in his hand was a contract for their now show, “Kandi’s Having A Baby.”
Kandi has a 12-year-old daughter named Riley and Todd has an 18-year-old-ish daughter named Kaela. Kandi and Todd gave the news to E! News:
“We’re so thrilled to announce the news of our bundle of joy, it’s a dream come true. Our daughters, Kaela and Riley, couldn’t be happier about becoming big sisters.”
But what does Mama Joyce have to say? That’s what I want to know. I can already see Mama Joyce throwing that baby a, “Kandi could’ve bought me a new toaster oven instead of buying you that toy,” look while watching them play. That baby better learn how to behave real fast, because anybody who watches that show knows that Mama Joyce is an abuelita who doesn’t play around and has a black belt in
chancleta shoe wielding.
It hasn’t even been a full day since the Duke and Duchess of Country (Billy Ray Cyrus and his Taco Party Pack will always be the King and Queen of Country to me) got divorced and a wave of stories about their break-up has already flooded the Internet. (“So you mean to tell me that I didn’t have to do that stupid photo-op with that damn mutt, because everybody is busy talking about Blake and Miranda? Dammit Jen!” – Ben Affleck) So far, the stories are conflicting as shit and some say Miranda Lambert wanted babies, others say she didn’t want babies and another says that she was Ashley Madison-ing through her marriage by cheating on her husband. Meanwhile, Blake Shelton is a monogamous angel whose dick only has eye for his wife’s punane. Of course.
36-year-old Jaime King, the sometime actress and full-time den mother to Taylor Swift’s sugar cookie girl gang of teenagers and 20-something fetuses, gave birth to a baby boy who will probably be known as “OHMYGODYOURETAYLORSWIFTSGODCHILD” for a while. Jaime’s second kid was pulled out of her body on July 16th, but she announced the birth of Taylor’s godson on Instagram today. Jaime posted that weird picture along with this caption:
We are SO happy to welcome to the world our new baby boy! Born Thursday, July 16th! Xx
Yup, they all look pretty happy about it. Jaime gazes at her 39-year-old husband Kyle Newman while he plays a thrilling game of Candy Crush and her other son James pretends like his world is riveted by whatever he’s holding because he really doesn’t want to hear his mom go on about how perfect of a person Taylor is again. That bizarre picture is also some Where’s Waldo shit, because I had to squint my eyes and rotate my head to find her new kid in that picture. I still don’t know. Is baby suckling on her tete or is hiding under that pile of blankets while holding his ears because he too is afraid his mom is going to go on about how perfect of a person Taylor is again.
Jaime and Kyle haven’t said what they named their son, because you can’t give it all away in one Instagram post. But it’s not hard to figure out. It’s either going to be Taylor, Taylor Jr., Tay, Rolyat, 1989 or TIG (short for Taylor Is God). Speaking of, if there is a God and that God’s drug is watching Taylor Swift scream internally, then her godson’s first words will be, “I love Katy Perry.”
Seen above with one of his One Direction bandmates (I think that one is Niall, but I’m not sure), Louis Tomlinson has shocked the world by proving that not only is he old enough to make baby batter, but he actually used that baby batter to make a fetus. Those pop yodeling toddlers grow up so fast!
The Directioners are still numb and on edge from the pretty-faced one leaving the group and now they have to deal with Louis putting a fetus in a body that doesn’t belong to them. One Direction’s management must secretly own stock in the company that makes Valium, because the Directioners are probably shoveling that shit into their mouths to deal with all the madness. People EXCLUSIVELY tells us that 23-year-old Louis and his 23-year-old L.A.-based stylist “friend” Briana Jungwirth are having a baby together. They dated for a little while, but they’re not together anymore. A source says they’re very, very close. So close that he busted a fetus-making nut into her.
“Louis is happy and very excited about becoming a dad and he thinks Briana will be an amazing mother. It was a surprise at first, but he and Briana are very, very close friends and this has brought them even closer.”
The source says that the first One Direction baby is coming next year. Louis, who broke up with his girlfriend Eleanor Calder in March, plans to buy a house in L.A. so he can be close to his kid. If you’re wondering with this Briana chick looks like, here you go:
— People magazine (@people) July 14, 2015
Of course some of the Directioners (see: People’s comments) are already calling her a scheming gold digging harlot whore who obviously tricked Louis into knocking her up. A rep for One Direction hasn’t commented about this yet and probably because they’re too busy consoling a confused Louis who keeps saying, “But I thought babies came from the stork,” over and over again.
And I guess this means it’s the end of Larry Stylinson. Unless…Briana is merely Larry’s surrogate and Larry is more alive than ever. Yeah, that’s it!
46-year-old Bobby Brown became a father again yesterday when his wife of 3 years Alicia Etheridge (seen above looking like a skinny Queen Latifah while wearing a day-shift saloon girl outfit to a costume party) birthed out their second child, a daughter, at Cedars-Sinai in Los Angeles. Bobby B’s publicist tells Entertainment Tonight that Alicia checked into Cedars on Friday and was induced yesterday. Bobby and Alicia already have a 5-year-old son named Cassius. Bobby’s newest daughter is his sixth child. Well, if you’re a New Edition fan, you may get a new reunion tour in a few years when Bobby is faced with more child support woes and has to make some quick cash.
The news is a little bittersweet for Bobby since Bobbi Kristina Brown is still in hospice care and things are still as messy and sad as always. Bobby’s family has been banned from Bobbi Kristina’s room, because security at the hospice care facility believe that one of them took a picture of her and tried selling it to a tabloid or website. Bobby’s very vocal and CAPS LOCK KEY-loving sister Leolah PrayerWorks denied a Brown took the picture.
As for the name of Bobby’s daughter, his publicist didn’t tell us, which is very rude since that’s all of us care about. Bobby Brown has 5 other kids, so he should name the youngest one #6 or HeyYou since it’s probably hard remembering all those names.
Behold, the one person who might actually envy Michelle Duggar’s perpetual motion machine vagina. Amanda Seyfried recently admitted to Marie Claire UK that she wants a baby inside her RIGHT NOW. Amanda’s womb is ready for a visitor and her ovaries are furiously swiping right on every sperm they see on Fertilizer (aka Tinder for eggs). Amanda, who is currently dating Justin Long, is only 29 years old, but apparently her reproductive parts are screaming at her to get sperminated before they turn into a mummified pile of dust.
“I keep feeling like my eggs are dying off. Once you’ve turned 30, you might only have a 20 per cent of getting pregnant [each cycle]. And that’s if everything is working well. Isn’t that crazy? I need to get on it. I want a child, badly. I’ve been feeling it it for like, two years. I’m not ready, but nobody is ready.”
She goes on to say that she’s also ready for marriage, but don’t expect to see her posing for Vogue in a wedding gown. According to Amanda: “I do premieres and dress up all the time. I do that for a fucking living.”
Amanda doesn’t have to worry that much about her chances of finding a fetus in her babymaker. If a 65-year-old grandma can get knocked up, I’m sure science will be able to find a way for 29-year-old Amanda. What I’d be more concerned about is just how bad it would be for your babymaker if the excessive amount of canned nacho cheese residue traveling through your body every day around 7pm were to seep through your intestines and collect on your uterus. For real, is that a thing that can happen? I’m asking for “friend“.
But Amanda’s not totally without a cuddly snuggle baby in her life. Here she is with her dog Finn in New York last week.
Permanent resident of the soap box Bristol Palin must have been too busy whooping bitches at snowmobiles parties and judging tricks left and right to learn about condoms, birth control pills, Mirena and the “finish on my thigh” method, because another unexpected visitor moved into her uterus recently. A month after canceling her wedding to that Dakota Meyer dude, 24-year-old Bristol announced on her blog today that soon she’ll be holding another baby in one arm while drunkenly beating a bitch at a party with the other arm. Bristol seems really happy about it too!
Unlike your friends on Facebook who cream out of every orifice about being knocked up, Bristol doesn’t seem that into it and she also didn’t say who the father is. Since she practices abstinence, she probably tripped and fell on a raw dick. Bristol says that she’s keeping her chin implant up, she doesn’t want any lectures (says the full-time lecturer) and knows she can handle anything with dignity and grace (HA!).
(I’m announcing this news a lot sooner than I ever expected due to the constant trolls who have nothing better to talk about!!!)
I wanted you guys to be the first to know that I am pregnant.
Honestly, I’ve been trying my hardest to keep my chin up on this one.
At the end of the day there’s nothing I can’t do with God by my side, and I know I am fully capable of handling anything that is put in front of me with dignity and grace.
Life moves on no matter what. So no matter how you feel, you get up, get dressed, show up, and never give up.
When life gets tough, there is no other option but to get tougher.
Bristol goes on to ask for privacy even though we all know she doesn’t mean that.
I know this has been, and will be, a huge disappointment to my family, to my close friends, and to many of you.
But please respect Tripp’s and my privacy during this time. I do not want any lectures and I do not want any sympathy.
My little family always has, and always will come first.
Tripp, this new baby, and I will all be fine, because God is merciful.
Sarah Palin hasn’t said anything about this yet. She’ll probably just release the same statement she released the first time Bristol got pregnant 6 years ago.
I know it’s too early to talk about names, but I really hope she names this one Fall. And well, Bristol’s new baby can look forward to having a grandma who will teach them about style and sophistication. Here’s some pictures I totally missed from January of Sarah Palin delivering massive amounts of “country star circa 1991″ glamour at some event with Ted Nugent in Las Vegas.
It wasn’t that long ago when Jennifer Love Hewitt was the human Miss Prissy and was so desperate for a husband that she’d bring an officiant, a wedding planner, a florist, an engagement ring and a wedding ring with her to a first date just in case. But then ole square bitches herself met her now husband Brian Hallisay while doing The Client List and she popped out their first kid, a daughter named Autumn James, in 2013. Well, 18 months after Autumn James (if that isn’t a Nicholas Sparks character name, I don’t know what is) checked out of her womb, JLove and her husband are parents again. The former Jennifer Aniston of basic cable and current stretch mark cream hawker gave birth to a son yesterday. JLove and Brian made it clear that they really love the letter A and really, really love James as a middle name. via People
Actress Jennifer Love Hewitt has welcomed her second child with her husband, actor Brian Hallisay.
Son Atticus James Hallisay arrived Wednesday, the actress’ rep confirms to PEOPLE.
Atticus James sounds like a line of antique bronze monocles sold exclusively at Preserve.us. It also sounds like the name of a craft beer sommelier at Brooklyn’s most popular animal-to-table (farm-to-table is so out) restaurant.
I don’t mind the name Atticus. It could be a lot, lot worse. But if JLove named her kid after a book she loved, I’m surprised she didn’t name him TheRules James Hallisay since I’m sure she read that mess a million times during her OHMYGAWDINEEDAMAN phase.
Pic: Palmer’s Cocoa Butter