For the past week or so, 46-year-old Julia Roberts has been wearing dresses from Pea in the Pod’s Hide The Bump collection and baggy shirts, so of course, some hos have been screaming that there’s a fetus hiding in her body. They can see it! But while promoting August: Osage County on Letterman last night, the Jennifer Lawrence of the 90s spit out a solid NO when he asked her if she and that Danny Moder dude are going to add another baby to their family.
Letterman: You have the twins who are about 9 years old now?
Julia: They turned 9 in November.
Letterman: Oh man, that’s exciting. And then the other one is a 6 year old?
Julia: He turned 6 over the summer. Henry. Or the “other one” we sometimes call him.
Letterman: Have you thought about adding more to the group?
Julia: Oh sure.
Letterman: Any chance?
Can’t a bitch go through the trials and tribulations of menopause without a ho calling their bloat bubble a baby? No, I have no idea if Julia’s got a fetus growing in there, but if she does, I hope she sticks with the cartoon mice theme when naming it. Julia’s twins are named Phinnaeus and Hazel, so I hope if there’s a fourth one she names it Fievel or Gussie. The world needs more kids whose names make you want to sing, “There are no cats in America!”
Julia also told Letterman that she tries not to curse in front of her kids. Not cursing in front of kids. Where’s the fun in that?
“In the nine years of being a mother, I’ve only done that one time, and it brought all of us to a screeching halt. Everyone was like, ‘What just happened?’ It was horrible! I still think about it now, and I still can’t believe I did that. The children just stopped, and I said, ‘I am very sorry!’”
This reminds me, I have this tia who curses way more than I do. Her mouth is a Scorsese movie. A few months ago, we were at a family thing with a bunch of kids and I kept the curse words in my mouth, because for some strange reason parents get all mad when I teach their kids the “cunt” word. Parents are so weird. I can censor myself, but my tia can’t do it. So she taught the kids a trick. Every time a curse word is about to fly out of her mouth, she screams “EARMUFFS!” and that’s their cue to cover their ears with their hands. So when she talks to us in front of the kids, it goes something like this, “Can you believe that – EARMUFFS, KIDS, EARMUFFS – bitch would say that to me? What a – I SAID EARMUFFS, GODDAMMIT – fucking asshole, right? And her husband’s - EARMUFFS! EARMUFFS! - a fucking piece of shit too!”
I think she said, “earmuffs,” more than actual curse words. I kept waiting for one of the kids to say, “We know, we know, she’s a fucking bitch. Can I put my hands down now, my arms are getting tired.”
Here’s Julia and some of the cast of August: Osage County at the NYC premiere last night. I really wish Julia would’ve used those glorious teefs of hers to chew off the dying animal on Dermot Mulroney’s head.
I know I shouldn’t be using keystrokes to write about KFed in the year 2013, but since I’m nostalgic and gross, I am really into the comings and going of his super sperm. Mostly coming… Actually, all comings. While KFed hasn’t worked a job for real since before Obama was in office, his unstoppable jizz fish are working overtime. KFed has knocked up his wife Victoria Prince for a second time. KFed’s sperm: It won’t stop, it can’t stop and in a few years the gene pool will be 50% Duggar, 49% KFed and 1% everything else.
TMZ has a vomit-inducing picture of Victoria wearing a shirt that reads “Juan Moore Federline” and a video of them saying that the sixth Federline is growing in her womb.
KFed has 2 kids with Shar Jackson, 2 kids with Brit Brit and he’ll soon have 2 kids with Victoria. 6 kids with 3 different chicks. What would the “Kate Winslet is a morality-killing whore harlot for having 3 kids with 3 husbands” bitches say?
I’m actually surprised that this is only Victoria and KFed’s second kid together. I mean, what do they do all day? I’m guessing they feed their kids, bareback fuck, play with their kids, bareback fuck, watch 5 hours of the History Channel, bareback fuck, go to the check cashing place to cash their latest check from Brit Brit and bareback fuck some more. I’m surprised that every time Victoria pulls her tampon out, another baby doesn’t come out with it. So good for them for only having 2! And I’m sure TLC will give them their own show called How To Stretch Your Child Support Checks From Britney Spears To Feed Another Ten Dozen Kids.
And I made the mistake of staring at his crotch in that picture to find a peen print. Don’t do that, because I can already feeling kicking.
Kate Winslet’s rep tells People that in a hospital in Sussex County, UK on Saturday, her third baby and her first with husband Ned Rocknroll was pulled out of her body. Kate’s rep told The Daily Mail that she had a boy and he weighed in at around 9 pounds. Kate’s rep called him “Baby Boy Winslet.” I hope that his official government name is Baby Boy, but I think her rep was just trying to let us know her son is not going to have his daddy’s jacked-up last name. I don’t know if her baby is going to let out a huge sigh of relief or let out a huge sigh of disappointment, because if anybody’s going to think that the last name Rocknroll is hot, it’s going to be a baby.
Baby Boy Winslet is Kate and Ned’s first kid together and she has a 13-year-old daughter named Mia with her first husband Jim Threapleton and a 10-year-old son named Joe with her second husband Sam Mendes. I scanned the comments at People and UsWeekly thinking that I’d see some comments saying that it’s a good thing she didn’t have a girl or Leonardo DiCaprio would date that girl in 18 years. Instead, I saw a handful of comments that basically said that Kate should board the S.O.S Slut Ho (aka the official cruise line of Dlisted), walk her hussy ass to the front and hold her arms out while screaming, “I’m the Queen of the Whores!” Kate Winslet is an embarrassment to all for having three kids with three different husbands! And then I read a couple of articles from June calling Kate Winslet a tramp stain on morality.
Damn. First of all, the fuck is morality anymore? Second of all, I’m sure Kate Winslet didn’t plan to have three kids by three different husbands. Or maybe she did, maybe she just wants a variety pack. I don’t know. But it’s not like Kate Winslet’s a teenage mother of 3 who’s on welfare and is on Maury’s stage screaming “You don’t know my life like that!” at the audience while waiting to find out which one of her 8 boyfriends is the biological father of her youngest. It’s Kate Winslet. I’m sure her kids will be more than fine. (Cut to The Daily Mail 2031: Kate Winslet’s Kid Burns Down Every Chapel In The County While Declaring That Marriage Is A Sham Because His Mom Has Been Married 8 Times!)
So that is why I heard the faint sound of what I thought was Jennifer Aniston wailing out the words, “That bitch beat me to iiiiiiiiiiit,” from the West side.
The entire Vajazzle industry has collapsed into a heap of cracked rhinestones and crushed dreams, because Former Forever Aloner and professional fiancee Jennifer Love Hewitt has actually married an actual breathing, living man AND she also pushed out a baby friend today. As the makers of engagement rings silently weeped over losing their #1 customer for a while, JLove’s rep pooted out this statement to UsWeekly about her new daughter:
“Jennifer Love Hewitt and her husband Brian Hallisay are thrilled to announce the birth of their daughter. Autumn James Hallisay was born on November 26.”
Some source said that JLove and Brian got married on the down low recently. I’m actually surprised we found out about JLove getting married from her publicist, I mean, “a source.” I’m surprised that as soon as JLove and Brian signed that marriage certificate, a swarm of bedazzled locusts didn’t cover the planet and end our misery. As a bedazzled locust poked my eyes out, I’d think to myself, “Oh, I guess this means Jennifer Love Hewitt finally got married. CONGRATS!” That’s how I thought I would find out.
Brian and JLove met on that hand job show The Client List and the story goes that the show was canceled because the producers wanted to write his character off and she wanted to write her pregnancy into the show and make his part bigger. So now they’re married, have a new baby and can spend their days staring at each other’s faces since they’re both job-less for now.
And as for the name Autumn James, it sounds like a cross between the name of a 90s soft-core porn star and the sassy best friend character in a Danielle Steel book. I approve!
Sometimes you’ve got to give credit where credit’s due: Kim Zolciak makes a gorgeous pregnant woman. I can’t believe I’m starting a story with a genuine compliment. I’ve probably had a stroke. Pray for me? Or at least send a helper monkey.
Kim Zolciak’s babies can finally upgrade their status from ‘tardy to the party’ to ‘arrival at party’ (who’s writing these jokes today, my mom?) because Kim popped out a set of twins this morning. Usually when you’re writing about a former Real Housewife and a set of “new twins” it’s implied you’re referring to a whack tit job. But not this time! This time it’s BABIES!!! Kim and her hot young piece Kroy Biermann announced the birth of a baby girl and a baby boy via Instagram, where she also explained the babies names:
“The twins names are:
Girl: Kaia Rose (After ‘Psychic’ Rose who is like a grandma to me and been a huge part of my life for 13 plus yrs) Also the twins were born on the Rose’s birthday!
Boy: Kane Ren (Ren After my OBGYN who has delivered 5 of the 6 kiddos, who has also been a big part of my life for 12 yrs and we simply adore him).”
One second after Kelly Clarkson married Brandon Blackstock (Note: We’re soulmates and our brains know what is important if you read Brandon’s last name as “black cock“) in a quickie wedding on October 20th, she blabbed about how she’s going to wrap her legs around her new husband and not let go until the doctor yanks her off to pull her baby out. Kelly told Valentine in the Morning last month that she’s going to board the fuck train and not get off until a fetus has moved into her womb.
“I want babies! Everybody keeps saying, ‘What do you want for Christmas?’ And I’m like, ‘I want to be pregnant. [Brandon] excited about all the practice.”
Kelly also said in other interviews that they’re sexing like rabbits, she wants two kids right away, she wants five kids total and she wants her first one to be a girl. Basically, bitch is baby crazy and all she talks about is BABIES!!! and she’ll keep barfing at the mouth about BABIES!!! because she’s got one inside her now. Kelly tweeted this today:
I'm pregnant!!! Brandon and I are so excited! Best early Christmas present ever
— Kelly Clarkson (@kelly_clarkson) November 19, 2013
Either Kelly had a case of the babies when she got married and has been aching to scream out this news or she tweeted that while her chonies were still around her ankles and the piss on the positive test hadn’t tried yet. And in another room in Kelly’s house, Brandon’s got his peen in a bucket of ice and is preparing it for another fast round of baby-making rabbit sex as soon as Kelly’s placenta pops out.
(Pic via Instagram)
Anne Hathaway (seen above with her mute husband who always looks like a robber just pressed a gun to his back and told him to act natural) might be giving her brother Tom Hathaway the dramatic silent treatment (think Helen Keller as written by Chekhov) during Thanksgiving dinner this year, because he might’ve let it slip during his stand-up act that she’s got a future EGOT winner growing in her uterus.
Star Magazine says that during his stand-up act at Tandem in Brooklyn on October 30th, Tom Hathaway let Anne’s baby news jump off of his tongue and fall into the ears of the audience. Someone in the audience told Star:
“Tom opened his act by talking about Anne’s personal life. He said, ‘My sister got married last year, and now she is about to be a new mom!’ I don’t think he realized what he had done.”
So Tom just casually broke some HIGHLY IMPORTANT news during his casual stand-up act at a casual bar in casual Bushwick in casual Brooklyn. No drama. No theatrics. No songs. No interpretive dancing. No effective mood lighting designed by a Tony-winning lighting designer. None of that!
Anne Hathaway just summoned her in-home orchestra to the 200-seat THEA-TER in her apartment. Anne laid herself on a velvet settee and as her mute husband held a spotlight tight on her face, she closed her eyes and emotionally sang out a torch song about betrayal in German. How daaaaare Tom flippantly tell everyone her baby news like it’s not a big deal. Tom didn’t tell everyone something everyone knows (examples: Anne Hathaway is the thespian of all thespians, Anne Hathaway should’ve won the Best Picture, Actor, Actress, Supporting Actor and Director Oscars for Les Miserables, because her performance WAS that movie). Tom told everyone brand new news.
Anne had been planning her baby announcement for weeks and she still had weeks of planning to do. Andrew Lloyd Webber isn’t even halfway done with the baby announcement song he’s writing for her and Valentino isn’t done making the 5 gowns she plans to wear while singing her baby announcement song.
Anne’s rep tells Gossip Cop that she’s not pregnant and Star got it wrong. Anne’s rep is obviously trying to save her baby announcement performance, but Tom already ruined it. Tom better learn the Fernand role from The Count of Monte Cristo, because he and Anne will settle this by reenacting scenes from that shit.
And here’s Anne and her husband at the Victory Fund Champagne Brunch Reception in Beverly Hills on October 20th.
The above picture is what it would look like if Drop Dead Fred and Lizzie smoked a whole lot of blue meth. Moving on…
Multiple sources (aka David’s spokeswhore, David’s spokeswhore’s assistant and David’s spokeswhore’s intern) tell People that David Arquette and his on-and-off girlfriend of 2 years
oil slick Leighton Meester Christina McLarty are going to be parents to a newborn in a few months. David kind of let this news slip last week on Howard Stern when he drunkenly called his 9-year-old daughter with Courteney Cox his “first child.”
When People asked David’s spokeswhore to comment on this, his spokeswhore said, “You dumb shits! I just told you about this! Oh wait, that was from an ‘inside source.’ Um. I do not comment on David’s personal life. Goodbye.”
At first, I kind of sort of said, “Poor kid,” to myself since the current state of David’s life is set to MESS (but isn’t it always?) and the kid will one day learn that its mother was once married to douche rash Joe Francis, but their kid will be fine. I say that after reading about Charlie and Brooke’s A+++ parenting skills.
Or as Drew Barrymore would say, “I hath a fetuth living in my womb.”
When I saw these pictures earlier of Drew Barrymore at the LACMA Art+Film Gala on Saturday, I figured that she had filled her face with the saliva of Jocelyn Wildenstein until she looked like a mash-up of Goopy Paltrow and Leslie Mann, because that’s not the Drew Barrymore face that I know. But Drew doesn’t have filler face yet. She’s got pregnancy face! Drew’s rep tells People that just a few months after her 13-month-old daughter Olive checked out of her uterus, another kid moved in and made itself comfortable. People also points to a quote that Drew spit out about how her and her husband Will Kopelman (Side note: Remember when her ass was married to TOM GREEN?!) have always wanted more than one baby friend.
“I was an only child, and it was lonely. Some people love it and thrive on the independence, but I want my kids to have other kids around. Maybe two kids so they can run around life together, roll their eyes at their parents together like Rusty and Audrey Griswold from [National Lampoon's] Vacation. So however that’s going to come about, it’s gonna happen!”
I’m the youngest of two and I’m glad I wasn’t the only child, because you can only blame the dog for so many things (examples: farts, eating all the candy and pissing on the sofa). But if I wanted a kid, I’d only have one kid. I couldn’t take two. I went to my cousin’s house a few weekends ago and she has three chirruns under the age of 8. Ten seconds after I walked into that nerve-killing den of toddler drama and Disney songs, I pulled out my iPhone and immediately looked for an app that tells you where the nearest heroin dealer is located.
Also, kids are already shifty things on their own. Add another kid and the shiftiness doubles. That’s not a good thing. The rules of parenting are a lot like the rules of street fighting: never wear earrings, always know what your quickest escape route is and never find yourself outnumbered or you’re truly fucked.
For about a minute now, hos have been looking at Kerry Washington’s ever-growing baby baking area and thinking to themselves the same thing my mom says to me whenever she sees me, “Either there’s something growing in there or you’re on the wine, Chipolte and Halloween candy diet again.” It’s the latter for me and the former for Kerry Washington. Kerry, who got secret married to 49ers cornerback Nnamdi Asomugha in June, has a fetus living in her womb and it’s coming out party is set for the Spring. A source (read: Kerry’s publicist) tells People that Kerry wouldn’t normally talk about being knocked up, but she’s hosting SNL this weekend and doesn’t want #doesoliviapopehaveafitzbabylivingupinherwomb to be a trending topic. The “source” said this to People:
“Kerry and Nnamdi are ecstatic.”
The pal adds that the private star likely wouldn’t have discussed her big news, but with a stint on Saturday Night Live this weekend, “she didn’t want the focus to be on whether or not she has a bump.”
Despite the news, “Kerry will still absolutely be keeping her private life private,” the source says.
Kerry Washington had a secret marriage and didn’t really want anyone to know that she’s knocked up, so I’m guessing that in a couple of years when she’s papped with a toddler, she’ll just shrug and say that it’s her really tiny assistant. And I hope Shonda Rhimes doesn’t write Kerry’s pregnancy into Scandal, because I really want to see Olivia Pope hide her fetus dome with giant wine glasses and oversized briefcases. Olivia Pope can be the new Amanda Woodward.
And here’s some riveting pictures of Kerry outside of her hotel in NYC yesterday.