“Okay, NOW you can announce it” said Anne Hathaway to her blabbermouth brother.
So apparently Anne Hathaway’s current favorite way to have her eggs prepared is fertilized (I truly deserved every last groan I got for that one). E! says two sources have confirmed that Anne’s husband Adam Shulman put a baby in her, and she’s in her second trimester and “feeling great“. Anne hasn’t said if she’s knocked up, but E! has a couple pictures of her looking swole in the babymaker area while strolling around Beverly Hills last week, so I’m sure it’s only a matter of time.
Other than that she’s “feeling great“, we really don’t know much else about Anne or her baby. But it’s probably safe to assume that Anne’s baby will be born belting out a Broadway showstopper instead of crying, followed by a melodramatic acceptance speech given to the delivery room nurses that its been practicing in a reflective puddle of amniotic fluid for 4 weeks leading up to its birth.
Really though, let’s be honest – the only thing we care about is what Anne Hathaway will name her baby. If it’s a boy, I’m going to guess she will pay tribute to the love of her life by naming him Oscar. If it’s a girl, then she’ll name it Oscarina. If she decides to go a little more gender neutral, then I’m thinking Academy or Withanee.
Here’s more of Anne Hathaway looking a little knocked up a few weeks ago at LAX. Today I learned: Anne Hathaway’s “a little knocked up” is my “an hour after a Taco Bell Five Buck Box binge.”
And now for another entry into the “What year is it? When did I get so old?” diary of our lives, Soleil Moon Frye, aka Punky Brewster (or Roxie King from Sabrina the Teenage Witch, if that’s what does it for you) is knocked-up with her fourth kid. Soleil confirmed her pregnancy yesterday by Tweeting a picture of herself holding a positive piss stick with the caption: “Excited to share some big news. Feeling beyond blessed. #ClearblueConfirmed #growingfamily @Clearblue #ad #grateful.”
Shortly after, she confirmed it in person by stuffing her baby business into a Herve Leger bandage dress and strolling onto the red carpet of the Baby2Baby Gala. Soleil told People that she’s thirteen or fourteen weeks along and feels “fantastic.” She also added that she and her husband Jason Goldberg weren’t exactly planning on adding a fourth kid to their collection:
“We were so surprised by this amazing, little miracle, that I think, now, we’re just like, let’s keep the surprises going. We had a 20- month-old at home, and we have a ten-year-old, and a seven-year-old. So this was definitely a really happy surprise. It was not something we were planning on, and yet, we could not be more excited and thrilled.”
I will tell you what I’m excited and thrilled about: Baby No. 4’s name! Soleil’s kids are named Jagger Joseph Blue, Poet Sienna Rose, and Lyric Sonny Roads (a name I’m still tripping out to), so I’m fully expecting some far-out flower child fuckery on Baby No. 4’s birth certificate. My guesses are: Painter Burning Sage Strum, Composer Tempeh Path, or (fingers crossed) Clearblue Glomer Grateful.
Here’s more of Soleil with her I can’t believe it’s a baby! bump, as well as the dude who knocked her up for a fourth time (aka her husband) at that Baby2Baby thing last night.
Vincent Kartheiser (aka Pete Campbell from Mad Men) and Alexis Bledel (aka Rory Gilmore from The Gilmore Girls) got secret married last year and I haven’t been keeping up with my Pete Campbell and Rory Gilmore news, but I don’t think they really ever talked about their marriage to the press or whatever. So don’t expect to see their faces on the cover of InTouch Weekly under the words “Yes, It’s Confirmed, You’re Living In A World Where Pete Campbell Bareback Boned A Baby Into Rory Gilmore.”
A source tells Celebuzz that at the premiere of the National Geographic Channel movie, Saints & Sinners, in Los Angeles last night (pictures below), Vincent told people that he’s going to be a father soon, because his wife’s got a Campbell/Gilmore baby growing in her body. Don’t tell anyone, though, because they want to keep it on the shush.
“They are expecting but they don’t want a lot of people to know. Only close friends and family know about the baby. He’s trying to keep it quiet. But he’s very happy about the news.”
I wonder if these two have ever done an Ancestry.com DNA test, because they look like they can be brother and sister for real. And since these two are all about keeping secrets (rude, I know), I doubt we’ll ever see a picture of their baby friend, but I’m sure that baby will be an adorable giant blue eyeball.
UPDATE: Thanks to everyone who reminded me that Vincent K once said he’s basically an anti-Duggar and doesn’t want kids for environmental reasons. So either Rory’s powerful love and coochie changed his mind or Celebuzz’s story is a lie.
And here’s more of Vincent K no longer looking like “Friar Tuck as a serial killer” since he can grow his hairline out now that Mad Men is over.
And you’ll hear it 5,678,954 times before you die and leave a cruel world that will most likely be 85% Duggar.
Jessa Duggar Seewald, the fifth oldest member of Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar’s cult of tater tot casserole insanity, gave birth to her inaugural child yesterday. I was going to say that this may be the first time in decades that a Duggar doesn’t have a human in her womb, but I’m sure that as soon as Jessa’s first of 500 kids checked out of her baby-growing bag, he passed the baton to a tiny fetus who in 9 months will be the newest cast member of her TLC specials.
Jessa gave birth to a son in Arkansas yesterday and keeping with her beliefs, she and her husband Ben Seewald immediately pimped out the news to People Magazine. Jessa tried to birth out her baby at home, but there were complications, so she had to go to the hospital. Their son weighed in at 9 lbs. 11 oz. and is 21 ½ inches long. They haven’t released their son’s name yet, because I’m sure they’re saving that special announcement for next week’s cover of People. Jim Bob and Michelle have already beat the life out of the letter “J,” Jill claimed the letter “I” and the rotting pedo potato that is Josh Duggar has begun terrorizing the letter “M.” So I’m going to guess that Jessa and Ben are going to take the letter “P” by naming their son People Magazine TLC Duggar-Seewald. If you need to see what Jessa’s first baby looks like, People has a picture. (SPOILER ALERT: He looks like a newborn.)
I bet that right after Jessa’s son opened his eyes, he looked up at his mom and said “Oh shit!” after realizing that he’s a Duggar. Then he looked down, realized he’s a boy and said “Phew!” while wiping his brow.
Here I was going on and on about the baby-making bareback daddy skills of Hugh Grant, Lil’ Wayne, Jim Bob Duggar and Mel Gibson, and I have failed to give credit to Eddie Murphy’s fertile jizz fishes. It’s been more than 8 years since 54-year-old Eddie has made another kid and since then, his jizz fishes have been hitting the treadmill, doing sit-ups and eating lots of protein (does this mean they’re cannibals?) while waiting for the day they’d get another chance to knock a trick up. They recently got that chance and didn’t disappoint. Eddie’s girlfriend of around 4 years, 36-year-old Paige Butcher, is carrying their first kid together and his 9th total. That news made the California Department Of Child Support Services hire more staff.
Eddie’s rep didn’t say much. They only said this to Page Six about Eddie’s latest baby:
The couple “are pleased to announce that they are expecting a child in May,” Murphy’s rep told Page Six.
Right now, Eddie has 8 kids with 4 baby mothers including Scary Spice (remember that messiness?). I would list all of their names, but I doubt even Eddie knows them by heart. He just calls them, “Kid #1, kid #2, etc…” Eddie’s eldest is 26 and his youngest is 8. He’s also a father to two 25-year-olds and yes, they have different mothers. So back in the day, when Eddie Murphy wasn’t giving rides to transgender hookers, he was shooting bare nuts into ovaries.
And the nutsacks of Stevie Wonder and Mel Gibson are probably filled with major action right now, because their jizz fishes are hyped up and don’t want Eddie Murphy’s baby batter showing them up like this.
Seen above looking like she’s pondering the meaning of life while taking a post-shower caca (and yes, if she recorded her post-shower caca noises, it’d go straight to #1 on all the charts), Adele did a cover interview with Rolling Stone where she talks about being a mom, squads, her love of RiRi and how she regrets working with Damon Albarn of Blur after he publicly called her ass “insecure” and said her new stuff is “middle of the road.” I’ve thrown up some choice quotes after the cut, but you can read the entire thing here. It’s pretty charming, so if you’re an Adeleloonie, you’ll want to marry it and then heartlessly break up with it the next day so you can squirt out tears while listening to that “Hello” song for the billionth time.
What in the hell kind of GD celebrity is Tom Hardy? When Tom Hardy got married to Charlotte Riley, he didn’t release a statement and didn’t show off their wedding pictures in a 15-page spread in OK! Magazine. He let the news “slip” by referring to Charlotte as his “missus” at some PETA event. When Tom Hardy’s jizz fish kicked its way into one of Charlotte’s ovary eggs and made a baby, he didn’t announce it with a cover story on Life & Style. Charlotte just showed up to one of his premieres last month with a visible gut full of fetus. And when Charlotte birthed out their kid recently, Tom didn’t post a mysterious Instagram picture of his newborn baby’s hand with a note that read: “Guess what came yesterday?” Somebody teach Tom Hardy how to celebrity!
The Daily Mail says that Charlotte recently gave birth to their first baby together. Tom Hardy has a 7-year-old son Louis with his ex Rachel Speed. Tom’s rep hasn’t confirmed or denied the birthing news yet. That’s all we know. We don’t know if it’s a boy or a girl. We don’t know what it’s name is. What don’t know how much that baby weighed in at (and I know that bit of information is HIGHLY important to all of us). I guess we’ll have to wait until Tom “accidentally” slips out the name of his kid at some event. I’m hoping they named their kid MySpace Hardy as a tribute to Tom’s best days, his cam whore days.
And since there’s barely any info in this post, I have to give you something, so here’s pictures of Tom Hardy with dog friends.
Two strange things have happened: 1. Terry Richardson jizzed up into someone’s body instead of all over their face while taking their picture. 2. The ovary of that someone he jizzed up into didn’t immediately pull down its security gate and slap a “WE HAVED MOVED! NO FORWARDING ADDRESS!” sign on it as soon as it saw Uncle Terry’s nasty sperm fishes swimming toward it. I thought all women were born with that protective gene. I guess not. Because Page Six says that soon, the humanized skid mark on a pair of crunchy American Apparel chonies is going to be a father to an actual human being. SANTO DIOS!
These pictures of Hugh Grant and his baby mother #2 Anna Eberstein at Wimbledon were taken in July, so in the next few weeks, I fully expect to hear about how he’s going to be a daddy for the fifth, sixth and seventh time. Because while that picture was taken, he knocked up the dude in front of him, the memaw clapping and the “older Nicole Kidman” without Botox on the right. Fertile bitch can put a baby in you just by standing too close. We’ve all been warned.
Eddie Murphy, KFed, Jude Law and the other famous and famous-ish fertile dudes out there better start busting raw nuts up into tricks, because Hugh Grant may be coming for their record. The Daily Mail posted pictures of the mother of Hugh Grant’s second child, Swedish TV producer Anna Eberstein, walking around London with what looks like a belly full of baby. Hugh’s rep refused to open their lips about this news, but a source tells The Sun that 55-year-old Hugh is telling his friends that Anna does have a CASE OF THE BABIES and he’s happy to have another baby friend to visit with every now and again.
“He told friends it’s a baby girl and he is very happy. He loves being a father and is getting used to it now. He’s still been able to keep a lot of time for himself and manage to see the two women and his kids. I wouldn’t be surprised if he wanted more children.”
The other woman the source is talking about is Tinglan Hong. Tinglan Hong gave birth to Hugh’s first kid, Tabitha, in 2011 and she popped out their son, Felix, in December 2012. Just a few months before Tinglan gave birth to Felix, Anna Eberstein gave birth to Hugh’s second child, a son named John. Hugh has reportedly bought both Tinglan and Anna houses close to his home, so he can easily visit all of them.
So it sounds to me like Tinglan and Anna take turns catching Hugh Grant’s unwrapped dick and whatever neighborhood they live in is turning into the Utah of London. Hugh and his pieces are like the international and classy version of Sister Wives but without all that marriage and Mormon shit.
(Side note: A few months ago, Minions crap was absolutely everywhere and I couldn’t escape it. Everything at the grocery store was covered with their ugly faces and that trailer would play all the time. I couldn’t wait for the movie to come out so I wouldn’t have to see their Twinkie dick looking asses anymore. Today, while looking for a picture for this post, I scrolled through ten pages on the photo agency’s website and automatically picked this one without thinking. Those evil Minions have obviously infiltrated my brain. I can rid them from my brain by smoking more weed, right? Right. I’m sure that’s what WebMD says.)
Sandra Bullock must have read about Charlize Theron adopting another kid and said, “Oh no you didn’t, bitch. I better adopt another one too.” That’s exactly what happened. Radar says that Sandra recently made her 5-year-old son Louis a brother by adopting a baby girl. Sandra finalized the adoption and has already brought her daughter home to L.A. Apparently, Sandra’s dog shit vigilante/photographer boyfriend of less than a year Bryan Randall has already moved in with her. A source tells Radar that Bryan is going to help raise Sandra’s new baby:
“Sandra’s made it quite clear to Bryan from the start that she’s looking for a husband to raise kids with. She had the paperwork ready to adopt another child but really wanted to do it with the right man, and Bryan’s been checking every box so far. Everyone knows how terrified she is of giving her heart away again, but Bryan’s incredibly supportive, loving and a brilliant father figure. Sandra says he’s perfect.”
Perfect? Hmmm… We all know how Bryan feels about dog caca. I wonder how he feels about baby caca. It’s going to be really awkward and strange when Sandra’s daughter accidentally gets a little poop on the floor and Bryan picks it up and smears it all over that child’s crib while screaming, “Pick up your fucking baby shit!” That may make Sandra say, “Err, you know that heart I gave away to you, can I have it back?“