(Side note: A few months ago, Minions crap was absolutely everywhere and I couldn’t escape it. Everything at the grocery store was covered with their ugly faces and that trailer would play all the time. I couldn’t wait for the movie to come out so I wouldn’t have to see their Twinkie dick looking asses anymore. Today, while looking for a picture for this post, I scrolled through ten pages on the photo agency’s website and automatically picked this one without thinking. Those evil Minions have obviously infiltrated my brain. I can rid them from my brain by smoking more weed, right? Right. I’m sure that’s what WebMD says.)
Sandra Bullock must have read about Charlize Theron adopting another kid and said, “Oh no you didn’t, bitch. I better adopt another one too.” That’s exactly what happened. Radar says that Sandra recently made her 5-year-old son Louis a brother by adopting a baby girl. Sandra finalized the adoption and has already brought her daughter home to L.A. Apparently, Sandra’s dog shit vigilante/photographer boyfriend of less than a year Bryan Randall has already moved in with her. A source tells Radar that Bryan is going to help raise Sandra’s new baby:
“Sandra’s made it quite clear to Bryan from the start that she’s looking for a husband to raise kids with. She had the paperwork ready to adopt another child but really wanted to do it with the right man, and Bryan’s been checking every box so far. Everyone knows how terrified she is of giving her heart away again, but Bryan’s incredibly supportive, loving and a brilliant father figure. Sandra says he’s perfect.”
Perfect? Hmmm… We all know how Bryan feels about dog caca. I wonder how he feels about baby caca. It’s going to be really awkward and strange when Sandra’s daughter accidentally gets a little poop on the floor and Bryan picks it up and smears it all over that child’s crib while screaming, “Pick up your fucking baby shit!” That may make Sandra say, “Err, you know that heart I gave away to you, can I have it back?“
Naya Rivera (aka Santana from Glee) and her husband of a year Ryan Dorsey (aka a dude whose claim to fame is that he bareback boned and married Santana from Glee) became first-time parents on September 17th and I guess it took them a couple of weeks to try to sell the info to absolutely anybody before nobody bit and they said, fuckit, we’ll release it for free.
Naya’s rep tells People that she had a baby boy in Los Angeles. Since Naya paid plastic surgeons to Kardashian-ize her mug using rubber and soil jelly, I figured she’d take her Kim Kardashian impersonation to the next level by naming her kid something like South Dorsey Rivera or Mik Naihsadrak Dorsey Rivera. But TMZ dug up her kid’s birth certificate and this is what she and Ryan named their baby boy:
Naya and the “Justified” star just had their first kid — a boy born on September 17 — and according to the birth certificate … named him Josey.
Josey Hollis Dorsey … in full, came into the world at the ever popular celeb birth spot — Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in L.A.
JOSEY DORSEY. JOSEY DORSEY. JOSEY DORSEY.
I guess Naya and Ryan are really big fans of Clint Eastwood or they’re really big fans of a certain buff gay country singer. I kind of like the name actually, because it sounds like a tongue twister you’d say 10 times before performing a monologue during high school drama class and it also reminds me of Josie Grosey from Never Been Kissed. If Naya’s kid ever decides to legally change his name, he’s going to scream, “I’m not JOSEY DORSEY anymore!”, afterward.
Here’s a knocked up Naya and Ryan doing stuff in L.A. a couple of months ago.
The last time we checked in on Ryan from The O.C. (aka Benjamin McKenzie, aka Officer Ben Sherman if you were into Southland), he had knocked-up his still-technically-married Gotham costar Morena Baccarin. Morena and her husband Austin Chick called it quits on their marriage shortly after she let Ben’s baby move into her womb, and now it sounds like Morena is going to chase that divorce with another marriage.
According to ET (yes I just pictured a wrinkly brown alien sipping out of a mug that says I LOVE GOSSIP), Morena wrote in court documents that were filed on September 11th that she’s “planning to re-marry” and that she’s three-and-a-half months pregnant. And apparently Morena and Ben haven’t exactly been hiding on the down low; sources tell ET that Ben came to visit Morena on the set of Deadpool in Vancouver a bunch of times between March and May and stayed at her condo. She also claimed she told First Husband Austin back in March that things weren’t working out and that she was slowly inching her way towards the door.
Of course, TMZ says First Husband Austin is pissed about the whole situation. Austin spilled the tea in some legal documents last week, and he got all kinds of dramatic. Austin claims that his son is in a “confusing, unhealthy environment” with Morena and Ben, and points to an incident back in August where he came home to pick up some of his stuff and saw a freshly-showered Ben playing with his 1-year-old son. He also threw her a bit of “you a ho” shade by saying they were “still sharing a bed” and trying to work on their marriage when Morena got sperminated in June. Unfortunately, his hysterics didn’t help, and Morena recently got split joint custody of their kid.
Weddings are fun and all, but this seems like an awful lot of pressure to put on a pregnant lady. A divorce and an affair and a baby and a wedding? If I was the judge looking at Morena’s court documents, I totally would have accepted: “I’m planning on re-marrying, but honestly, don’t ask me when, because I sort of have a lot of shit on my plate right now. Cool?”
Here’s a knocked-up looking Morena and her baby daddy on the set of Gotham the other day.
While Ryan Atwood from The O.C. is getting ready to become a daddy for the first time, Seth Cohen became a daddy for the first time. Wasn’t it Alexander Graham Bell who once said, “When one O.C. baby is born, another O.C. baby is conceived.”
When Leighton Meester and Adam Brody got married, they did it on the shush. When Leighton Meester and Adam Brody made a baby, they also kept it quiet. So of course, after she gave birth, they didn’t do cartwheels down the ho stroll in front of the paps while screaming about how they’re parents now. They also kept it quiet. Leighton birthed out a daughter on August 4th in Whittier, CA (SHOUT OUT TO WHITTIER!). Leighton and Adam probably chose Whittier, because they figured that nobody there would give a shit and the highly important news wouldn’t get out. The news didn’t get out until today.
Leighton and Adam should really consult for the FBI and the CIA, because I’m sure the paps are following them at all times and yet they still managed to marry in secret, make a baby in secret and birth out a baby in secret. I don’t know how they did it!
As for what they named their daughter, TMZ got a hold of the birth certificate and they named her:
Arlo Day Brody
Well, it could’ve been worse. At least that kid’s name isn’t Jagger Snow. But you know, I actually kind of like the name Arlo Day. It sounds like the name of a hippie whose real name is something normal like “Brandon Smith,” but while high on LSD at Burning Man one day, he looked up at the sun and the sun opened its sun mouth and told him that his spiritual name is “Arlo Day.” What I’m trying to say is that Leighton and Adam were probably stoned into another dimension when they came up with that name. Either that or they’re Arlo Guthrie fans. But then again, you can’t be an Arlo Gurthrie fan without being a stoner. The two go hand-in-hand.
Do you smell what The Rock is cooking? If you smell a mixture of boiling goat milk and Muscle Milk, then you do smell what The Rock is cooking, because that’s probably what his fertile jizz smells like.
Lauren Hashian, The Rock’s girlfriend of around 9 years, is baking a bundle of muscles in her womb after one of his sperm fish body slammed into one of her ovary eggs. Some source tells UsWeekly that The Rock and Lauren are “really excited” about becoming parents to their “little pebble.” (Side note: Santo dios, they’re totally naming their kid The Pebble.) Lauren doesn’t have to worry about spending hours in labor, because whenever The Rock’s child is ready to come out, it’ll crash through her stomach skin the same way The Rock crashes through a brick wall in his house when he forgets his key.
The Rock and Lauren (who is giving me Heather from Real Housewives of New York City with a drop of Giada De Laurentiis) are already parents to a bunch of Frenchies, but this is the first human child they will raise together. The Rock also has a 14-year-old daughter with his ex-wife Dany Garcia.
When The Pebble is born, The Rock doesn’t have to worry about Instagramming pictures of his new child, because we already know what that kid is going to look like:
I know, that was offensive. Like The Rock’s kid is just going to have a six-pack. Please. That child will be nothing but a 10-pack with eyes and a mouth.
Hot piece and former cam whore Tom Hardy and his wife of a year Charlotte Riley were at the UK premiere of his new movie Legend in London today and she looked like she either has a fetus growing up inside her body or she’s on that mozzarella sticks, wine, Oreos and Hot Fries diet I’ve been on since I can remember. Well, Charlotte may be stuffing her body with mozzarella sticks and Hot Fries, but she’s also got a uterus full of Hardy baby.
Tom and Charlotte haven’t made a baby together before, so this will be their first. Tom has a 7-year-old son named Louis from his relationship with Rachel Speed. If Charlotte births out a boy, I will be extremely disappointed if Tom’s sons don’t grow up to be amateur crime solvers with their own detective agency called The Hardy Boys.
Here’s more pictures of Tom, Charlotte (someone really should’ve told her that she’s got toilet paper stuck to the back of her dress) and his dog at the Legend premiere. At first I thought that Tom’s dog was cute, but then I came across the picture of his pooch throwing an over-the-shoulder shady look that says, “Yup, I’m this close to your man, bitch. Stay jealous!”
“Now? What do you mean, now?” thought everyone who has ever uttered the words “Damn, daddy” while watching Joseph Gordon-Levitt bump and grind on SNL (shamefully raises hand).
Eight months after Tommy Solomon from 3rd Rock from the Sun got secret married to his non-famous girlfriend Tasha McCauley, UsWeekly (via Daily Mail) is saying that they’ve gone ahead and had a secret baby. Look at that! A Hollywood-ish couple who didn’t run straight to their publicist 0.3 seconds after the plus sign appeared on the piss stick. Crazy.
JoGo and his normal person wife haven’t announced to anyone that they’re parents, because they’re sort of into that whole “having a private life” thing (“Ew gross why” hissed Kim Kardashian, who is no doubt on her 11,294th please pay attention to me pregnancy selfie of the day), But his rep claims that yes, he’s a daddy. An insider says Tasha birthed out a boy, and that “everyone’s happy and healthy.”
We’ll probably never know anything else about Baby Gordon-Levitt, but I’m still going to guess his name. Hey, we might find that out. It’s probably something totally normal, like Kevin. Just Kevin. With that being said, if they want their kid’s identity to remain a secret, then I don’t advise they ever take Baby Question Mark to one of the old Chuck E. Cheese’s that still have the creepy animatronic animal band. It doesn’t matter how many times you tell them you don’t want them to scream out your name while singing “Happy Birthday“, they’ll still do it. That shady rat is loyal to no one.
And had a baby!
Zooey Deschanel, the gingerbread lady cookie who was brought to life by a good witch who felt like the world needed more twee in it, has given birth and surprisingly she didn’t give birth to a crotchet Santa Claus doll that winks when you pull its right arm down. Zooey gave birth to a human baby. Page Six says that sometime last week, Zooey picked up her iPhone and asked, “Siri, is that rain or did my water just break?”, and after Siri let her know that her water just broke, she shuffled off to the barn to give birth amongst a family of lambs while her midwife softly hummed an old Hawaiian folksong.
Zooey’s rep says that her new baby friend is a girl and we don’t know the adorkababy’s name yet. Back in January, Allison guessed that Zooey would name her baby Sugar Ribbon, but I’m going to go with something more old-timey like Eunice Amaryllis or Swanhilde Ukelina. Zooey gave birth in Austin, Texas where her baby father and brand new husband, movie producer Jacob Pechenik, lives.
Page Six says that Zooey and Jacob also got secret married. If you’re wondering what Zooey’s wedding looked like, just search “Anthropologie weddings” on Pinterest and you’ll get your answer.
That is so like Zooey Deschanel. While everybody ends their marriage, she starts a new one. Getting divorced is so fucking mainstream right now. When all the famous hos get married in a few months, remind yourself that Zooey did it way before everybody else.
Ashlee Simpson, the former Limited Too version of Avril Lavigne and current person with one too many Es in their first name who is married to Evan Ross, gave birth to her second baby a couple days ago. At the time, Michael K guessed that the name written on Baby Ross’ birth certificate was “Queens Rikki-Tikki Ross“, which was both 100% absurd and 100% totally plausible, because = Ashlee Simpson’s past history of naming children. And I’m pleased to announce that yes, Ashlee and Evan brought eight layers of baby name nonsense to their baby’s birth certificate.
UsWeekly says that Ashlee announced the name of Diana Ross’ newest grandbaby on Instagram yesterday. Wait, on Instagram? For free? Ashlee, girl, are you feeling OK? Ashlee and Evan must be huge Rolling Stones fans, because how else do you explain this:
Jagger Snow Ross. I…am not sure. For one thing, poor Jagger is in for a lifetime of “Jagger? I hardly know ‘er!” jokes. Secondly, that middle name is going to require a lot of explanation. Is it Snow because it snowing on the day she was born? No, because she was born in July. Is it Snow because Evan wanted to pay tribute to the man responsible for “Informer“? No, because that would be an instant trigger for neurologists everywhere to call up Ashlee Simpson and inform her that her husband has clearly lost his damn mind.
Maybe it’s because I’m from Canada, but Jagger, Snow, & Ross totally sounds like a personal injury lawyer who specializes in snowmobile accidents. “Side-swiped a moose? Ran over a hidden mailbox? Call Jagger, Snow, & Ross at 1-888-SORRY-EH.”
The Simpson and Ross families are now bound together forever. This is the world we live in.
Ashlee Simpson must have been doing her latest pregnancy the Jessica Simpson way, because it felt like that baby was holed up in her womb for years. People says that baby finally decided to come out yesterday and remind Ashlee Simpson what her born nose looked like. Ashlee and her husband of almost a year Evan Ross (government name: Evan Olav Næss) are now parents to a baby girl. This baby is Ashlee’s second, Evan Ross’ first and Miss Ross’ third grandchild. There aren’t many details (and I know that gave you the frowns since you truly care about Ashlee Simpson’s life), but a source did tell People* that Ashlee was suffering from a case of acid-reflux, so she had to lip-synch all her screams and moans during labor.
We don’t know the baby’s name, because I’m sure Ashlee hasn’t found a tabloid who will pay for that news yet.
As all of us who keep up with fucked-up celebrity child names know, Ashlee and Pete Wentz named their now 6-year-old son Bronx Mowgli Wentz (BMW). So I hope Ashlee keeps with the whole “NYC borough, Rudyard Kipling character” theme by naming their daughter Queens Rikki-Tikki Ross.
Here’s Ashlee and Evan at Bed, Bath and Beyond a few days ago.
* That’s a lie.