Step off, JWoww’s fetus! If anyone is going to fuck up her clinically-cultivated body, it’s a strip-mall surgeon named Dr. Rad Plastixxx with $199.99 worth of injectable Silicone-Style® liquid vinyl and a rudimentary understanding of shapes.
The long-lost half-sister of SNL’s former porn stars was just starting to perfect her Fun House mirror reflection before she became knocked up, and now the most tragic thing has happened: JWoww’s growing fetus is fucking around with her finely-cultivated hotness. I know – the tragedy. JWoww told Us Weekly that she’s currently knocked up with a selfish seamonkey-looking hotness hater and, while you can’t really tell (because her eyebrows no longer move freely enough to indicate displeasure) she’s not happy about it:
“She loves being pregnant right now and I fucking hate it,” Farley told Us exclusively about herself and Snooki. “I’m not a fan of pregnancy right now with my thighs touching and my boobs changing, but I know it will be worth it and hopefully I get back to that really quickly.”
This is why someone needs to publish an updated edition of What To Expect When You’re Expecting called What To Expect When You’re A Jennifer Coolidge Wax Figure. Then again, it might not be the growing fetus that’s fucking around with her body; it could be the result of all that discount silicone starting to rot and decompose after reaching its expiry date.
Here’s more of alagance and saphistication defined at the MTV Movie Awards on Sunday night wearing a dress that would be deemed “too cheap looking” by the costume department of Dancing with the Polish Stars:
Mike Myers (aka “Wayne Campbell” if you’re in your 40s, “Austin Powers” if you’re in your 30s, “Shrek” if you’re in your 20s, and “Some dude who might be wearing John Travolta’s hair” to anyone currently studying for SATs) shagged a baby into his wife Kelly Tisdale 9 months ago, and Us Weekly says that a tiny baby girl popped out of Kelly earlier today. Mike and Kelly already have a 2-year-old son that they named Spike Myers (which is what you get if you put “Mike Myers” into an Ed Hardy name generator), so I was crossing my fingers that they’d name Baby #2 something equally SoCal, like Blaze or Flayme, but they named her Sunday Molly Myers. Personally, I like the name Sunday Molly, because it sounds like something written on Miley Cyrus’s drug to-do list.
Friday: Freon, Weed
Plus with a name like “Sunday Molly”, she’d make a killing in college selling drugs (you gotta make it easy for the dumb ones to remember who they buy from). Then again, I’m talking about 20 years in the future, so molly will probably be replaced by “future coke” or “robot speed” or something called “bleep-blorp”. Either way, mazel to you both, Mike and Kelly.
“Why do all of a sudden I feel like I’m pregnant??” – the lady sitting directly in front of Kevin Federline. And she should know better! Legend has it that just being in the same area as K-Fed can get a girl knocked up (he’s that good). It’s like they always say: the only part of K-Fed that works is his sperm.
Kevin Federline, professional baby daddy and one-half of the gift to the universe that was Britney and Kevin: Chaotic, announced yesterday on Instagram that his wife, Victoria Prince, gave birth to their second baby girl this weekend. Baby #6 joins a growing collection of children that includes Kevin and Victoria’s 2-year-old daughter Jordan, his sons with Britney Spears, Sean and Jaden, and his children with Shar Jackson, Kori and Kaleb. As someone who has 0 kids, I just clutched by birth control pills a little tighter.
But now that he’s met his two-baby limit with Victoria, does this mean it’s time for K-Fed to mosey on down the ol’ dusty baby daddy trail and find a new lucky lady to bust a bareback nut into? Or will he stick with Victoria to create more soldiers for the lazy dirtbag’s version of the Brangelina child army (their motto: “Semper Sweatpants”). Or maybe, just maybe, someone with a kind heart and an extra $50 will drive him to the vet and finally get him neutered (fingers. fucking. crossed).
After much speculation (ie. me inspecting a picture of her stomach with a magnifying glass for 0.4 seconds before announcing “Meh, who cares”) the party rat formerly known as Snooki has confirmed to Us Weekly that she and her fiancé Jionni LaValle rubbed their spaghetti and meatballs together hard enough to knock her up. So blast an air horn and slam a Jägerbomb in honor of Baby Smush-Smush #2 (what do you mean it’s too early? Stop being a pussy, bro – chug that shit!)
The little orange Tic Tac in a busted Ariel wig told Us Weeky that her and Jionni have been trying for their second Ewok pup since November and she’s due in the fall, right around the time of Snooki’s wedding on Endor. They don’t plan on moving the wedding up or postponing it till after the baby is born, so stay tuned for 7 months from now when I bring you the headline: Snooki Says “Fuck It” And Gives Birth In The Middle Of Her Wedding.
So Snooki has one baby already and one on the way, JWoww is having a baby, Pauly D is a dad. What the fuck is going on?? I always thought the Jersey Shore roaches would be fist pumping and slamming body shots well into their 40s, and instead they’re building tree houses and cracking tins of Beefaroni for lunch. What’s next, The Situation knocking up his Ab Rocket? No, that’s impossible; steroids have surely killed any life down there. The Duck Phone has a better chance at announcing his bid for governor of New Jersey than The Situation does of getting something pregnant (thank god).
A little over a month ago, Matt Rutler’s (seen above making the douche facial expression of a wallet miner who is living the KFed dream) gold digging destiny was fulfilled when his sugar mama Xtina announced that she can stop eating nothing but vapors and lettuce edges to stay skinny, because she’s knocked up again. Now People is saying that the fetus growing in Xtina’s womb is a girl. Well, I hope that baby girl doesn’t like the feeling of air touching her skin, because six seconds after she’s pulled out of her mom’s body, she’s going to be dipped in orange paint and rolled in metal powder.
People says that during a show in Malaysia today, Xtina told the audience that Matt Rutler’s ticket to NeverWorkAgainVille is growing in her body and then she told everyone she’s having a girl. Max, Xtina’s son with Bat Boy, is already 6 years old. We’re all old.
As soon as Xtina announced that she’s having a girl, the headquarters of Spanx, MAC, Coppertone and Sally Beauty all popped the champagne and busted out a scene straight out of Wolf of Wall Street. Glitter cannons went, money fell from the ceiling and they partied as though their penny stock just closed at $48! But you know, they would’ve had a reason to celebrate even if she was having a boy. Because no matter if she’s having a boy a girl, Xtina’s going to wrap that baby in a Spanx onesie and paint it up with so much orange and red that it’s going to look like the inside of an adorable calzone.
You know, I bet Baby Orangina Rouge Aguilera is going to grow up to be a tomboy who hates makeup. Oh shit. Saying that Xtina’s daughter is probably going to hate make-up is definitely the meanest thing I’ve ever said about Xtina. Xtina would rather her baby be homely than hate make-up, because at least she can pretty her up with make-up!
And a single tear was wiped away from the collective faces of obsessive internet fanboys everywhere (in case you’re wondering, that tear smells like generic brand Mountain Dew and basement). But they also didn’t name their babies Turkmenistan Daffodil and Uzbekistan Amaryllis (FYI: Michael K’s tears smell like Flaming Hot Cheetos, lube, and the giant novelty jug of vodka from BevMo). No, Elsa Pataky announced on Instagram that she and Thor Hemsworth named their 4-day-old twin boys Tristan and Sasha. No middle names? Quickly nerds! Start an online petition! There’s still a chance we could get Thor and Loki!
So Chris and Elsa’s three kids are named India, Tristan, and Sasha, which means they’re either huge fans of melodramatic CW shows about affluent Malibu teens, porn stars not named Nikki, or unisex haircuts from 1998. Either way, if they ever decided to open a fancy faux-boho clothing store that sells $400 spirit beads to rich bitches to wear at Coachella, they should have no problem registering Tristan & Sasha India as the business name.
Carson Daly, host of The Voice and The Today Show (or if you grew up in a country without MTV like me, ‘that guy who got into a fight with Fred Durst over a Christina Aguilera blow-j’) announced last night on The Tonight Show that he and his fiancé Siri Pinter are praaag with with third child. The already have a 5-year-old named Jack and a 19-month-old named Etta, so I’m guessing they’ll follow the Rule of Threes and name Kid #3 something equally boring and inoffensive, like Maddie or Charlie. And speaking of the Rule of Threes, how spooky is this?
SUNDAY: A baby signs a 9-month lease on Mila Kunis’s womb
MONDAY: Stacy Keibler uses a delicious-looking onion bun to announce she is with child
TUESDAY: Carson Daly gets his fiancé pregnant for the 3rd time
Well, if you’ve ever wanted to confess that you accidentally dropped a lit joint in your mom’s Windstar and burned a hole through the seat and that’s why it always smelled like a burnt wig, now is the time because clearly the END OF DAYS is upon us. Okay, maybe not the end of days. But at least the end of vacation days at every diaper factory in existence, because they’re going to have to work triple-overtime to make enough doo doo catchers for the impending Baby Apocalypse that will happen sometime in September 2014.
But congratulations to Carson Daly and Surly Painter. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to fantasize about an alternate reality where Carson Daly had stayed with Tara Reid and knocked her up with three bug-eyed, sunbleached tanorexic tequila-chugging toddlers.
Ah, Magic Middles. Nothing takes you back to the food fuckery of the 90s like a fudge-packed cookie baked by tree-dwelling elves. But that’s not what’s important here (wrong; fudge-filled foods are always the most important). What matters is that former show pony of George Clooney Stables, Stacy Keibler, is knocked up with a bebeh!!! Do you hear that? That’s the sound the WWE firing off their celebratory t-shirt cannons to congratulate one of their own.
After rushing to the altar to marry her piece of 7 months, Jared Pobre, and making sure her best angle was anything but her baby maker in her wedding photos, it was pretty obvious that something in the titty leche wasn’t clean. So Stacy didn’t exactly surprise anyone when she uploaded a picture of a bun in an oven to Instragram and announced that she’s pargnunt. But the food-obsessed golden retriever in me could give a shit about the baby news, because I’m too busy trying to figure out what kind of bun that is. Is it an onion bun? It looks like it could also be a raisin brioche. Ugh, it’s too hard to tell because it’s so small! Stacy, I need a better picture of the bun. Please send it to firstname.lastname@example.org, and if you can, please also send the bun.
It seems like 2014 is turning into the Year of the Diaper, so let’s all place bets on who will be next to join Stacy Keibler, Mila Kunis, ScarJo, and Xtina in the VIP section of Club Le Fetus. My money is on a Duggar (duh – always put your money on the Duggar).
You’re probably not even reading this, because as soon as this picture came up, you dimmed the lights, put on some Sade, lubed up your eyeballs and laid them on that ass. I’m not talking about the ass in the cap either….
So, Mila Kunis did what every high school teacher tells their students not to do during the STD section of the sex ed talk: don’t ever let Ashton Kutcher bust raw nuts up in you. E! News says that growing inside of Mila Kunis’ womb is the spawn of Ashton Kutcher who will most likely inherit the dysfunctional gene that causes one to want to wear trucker caps. Expect the second coming of Von Dutch when Ashton’s spawn turns 15. There’s been rumors that Mila has two fetuses growing in her, but E! says that there’s only one Little Kelso in there.
Kunis is pregnant with the couple’s first child, a source confirms exclusively to E! News just weeks after being first to report that the former That ’70s Show co-stars were planning to tie the knot.
The Ted star was even recently spotted attending a prenatal yoga class in Hollywood.
It feels like every damn trick in Hollywood just got a fetus in her womb and a ring on her finger. Everyone’s got a damn CASE OF THE BABIES!!!
I know that lately Mila Kunis has been looking like she’s got the pregnant swoles, but I really thought she would realize that tying herself to a living, breathing Summer’s Eve bottle for the rest of her life probably isn’t the best idea. But she did it. I know everyone’s saying that Demi Moore is going to throw herself into oncoming traffic once she finds out Mila’s knocked up, but I think she’s going to shrug, pop another molly and then throw her naked cougar body on a pile of barely legal boy toys.
Here’s Mila and Asshole Kutcher kissing on that gross ass kiss cam at the Pistons-Clippers game last night.
Mila is probably wondering what that weird rumbling in her stomach area is. Oh, it’s just her fetus dry heaving over Jackie kissing Kelso on the kiss cam at a basketball game. You and me both, fetus. You and me both.
Brace your ovaries (and if you don’t have ovaries, get ready to grow some), because we might soon get pictures of a topless Chris Hemsworth cradling two twin newborns who are half the size of one of his “snake swallowing an alligator” biceps. Because TMZ said yesterday that his Elsa Pataky, wife and the mama je’e (it’s been TOO long since I’ve typed that) of their 2-year-old daughter India Rose, was in the middle of getting two twins pulled out of her body at Cedars Sinai in L.A. yesterday. I’m picturing Chris Hemsworth in his Thor drag pulling each baby out with one hand before biting the umbilical cords off with his teeth and shushing their cries by softly singing a Nordic lullaby into their little baby ears. There’s not many details except for this riveting detail from TMZ:
It’s ultra-high security in their hospital suite … we’re told 2 security guards are standing at the door. Chris is strolling the hallway and is being escorted with a guard.
Chris Hemsworth’s contract with Marvel probably states that he must name his second and third born Thor and Loki (I hope), but if it doesn’t and they’re sticking with the countries in Asia and flower theme, I hope they name their twins Turkmenistan Daffodil and Uzbekistan Amaryllis. Or if that Fashion Police dude was right about Elsa’s beer belly, then she totally gave birth to a keg and a 12-pack.
UPDATE: Thor’s rep tells UsWeekly that Elsa gave birth to twin boys. I’m still pulling for the names Turkmenistan Daffodil and Uzbekistan Amaryllis.