According to Wikipedia, China is currently the King of Population, but if they want to hold onto their crown, they better lift that one-child law and get to bareback boning, because the Duggars are coming for their title hard.
Just two weeks after Jill Duggar spent 70 hours giving birth to Duggar #345,598,999, another one of the Duggar girls is contributing to the Duggar’s plan to overtake the world. I get all the Duggar kids confused, so when I read the headline, “Jessa (Duggar) Seewald Is Pregnant” at People, I thought the one who just popped out a baby was knocked up with another one and I shrugged, because those Duggars do not waste any time. There’s always a “no vacancy” sign hanging on their uteruses.
Yesterday, Justin Timberlake did the least Justin Timberlake-y thing noted attention enthusiast Justin Timberlake has ever done: he introduced the world to Silas Randall Timberlake, the week-old baby he made with Jessica Biel, by throwing up a picture on Instagram.
That’s right – Instagram. No 80-foot tall billboard in Times Square teasing the release of said picture on an upcoming pay-per-view website called TimberBabyPics.com followed by a secret midnight iTunes release of an album titled Songz 4 Silas? “What is the world coming to when an attention-humper like Justin Timberlake is casually releasing the first picture of his offspring FOR FREE on Instagram?” thought People, as they threw their HERE’S MY BABAAAAY!!! mock-up cover template into the trash.
Not only that, but Justin he couldn’t even be bothered to pay tribute to his greatest look ever by debuting Baby Silas in a custom-made denim infant ensemble like I was hoping he would? Rude.
Baby Silas is barely over a week old, and I know that’s a little early to tell whether he looks like mommy or daddy, because all babies look like Mr. Burns at that age, but I don’t see much of Justin in Justin’s new baby. Where’s the tiny newborn-sized patch of crunch ramen noodle hair? Where’s the smug look of self-satisfaction? Where’s the video of him crying in dog whistle falsetto? Actually, now that I think of it, that open hungry mouth, just-woke-up-from-a-nap look in his eyes, and sweatpants/jersey look is more Unky Joey Fatone than anything. Joey Fatone, NO! How could you?!?
When the world found out that Chris Brown actually procreated, some people didn’t really believe it and refused to believe it until Child Protective Services announced their plans to build an office right next to his house. But it’s really true and Chris Brown confirmed that he’s a father to a 10-month-old girl by posting a picture of them together on Instagram. The Difficult Brown made the tiny human with Instagram model Nia Guzman and she named their daughter Royalty. Inside sources (“inside” as in “inside of my head“) tell me that Nia named their daughter after Royalty Check Cashing on Van Nuys Blvd., the place where she’ll cash her child support checks from Fist Brown every month.
Along with the picture, Chris Brown added a note where he said that his adorable daughter is the “twin” who “God blessed” him with. It’s obvious that Chris Brown has vision problems (see: the pictures below of his hair looking like a My Little Pony scooted all over it after taking a wet shit), but I didn’t know his vision problems were that bad!
Some parents say that having kids really changed their lives and made them a different person. Usually, what they mean by that is, raising a baby turned them into a frazzled zombie and they have to end each night by silently screaming in the bathroom in between taking giant gulps from a bottle of $4 wine. But sometimes they mean that having kids made them more responsible, more mature and less selfish. Whenever a parent tells me that, I tell them that they’re doing the opposite of selling me on parenthood, because I don’t want to stop being irresponsible, immature and selfish.
What I’m trying to say is that maybe fatherhood will change The Difficult Brown’s violent piece of asshole douche trash ways (HAHAHAHA!). If that happens, then Baby Royalty is a miracle-working wizard and she needs to continue to work her magic on Justin Bieber, Lindsay Lohan, Charlie Sheen, etc… etc….
Go ahead and yank me off stage with a Vaudeville hook for that headline.
People says that after what feels like YEARS of talking about it, Jessica Biel finally gave birth to Justin Timberlake’s tiny Top Ramen-haired fetus that was growing in her baby maker. Reps for both Justin and Jessica have confirmed that they’re the parents of a little boy named Silas Randall Timberlake. Both Jessica and Silas are doing a-ok and Justin is “ecstatic”.
Nothing else is known about the birth, but I’m sure after it happened, Justin Timberlake started running around the hospital screaming “I’m a dad, I’m a dad, I’m a daAaAAaAaAaaAaAaAd!!!” in that falsetto dog whistle voice of his while Unky Joey Fatone sat there in the waiting room, paws-deep in a bag of vending machine Fritos, thinking “I wonder if he wants someone to sing the bass on that? Eh, he’s fine.”
I’m completely shocked that Justin Timblerlake didn’t name his son Justin Timberlake Jr., but then again, we don’t know if he tried and Jessica stopped him before he could submit the baby’s birth certificate. Instead, they paid tribute to Justin’s Tennessee roots by giving him the name of an old tymey moonshiner from the Appalachian mountains. Do y’all need something special for your next hootenanny? Just holler on over to Silas Timberlake, he’ll be happy to hook you up with some top-shelf jug whiskey for 2 squirrels and a slice of corn pone.
I’ll wait here as you sprinkle ice water on your piping hot b-hole which is probably throbbing after looking at those frosted tips in Jeremy Renner’s hair.
Hawkeye and his wife of approximately forty five seconds (10 months to be exact) Sonni Pacheco can put their earrings back on, take off all their rings and wipe the Vaseline off of their mugs, because their custody throw down is over. Jeremy and Sonni’s custody tussle never got to Halle Berry and Gabriel Aubry levels of crazy, but his “roommate” did accuse her of being a drunk, shitty mom who did coke on vacation once (“Once? What is she a nun?” – White Oprah) and she said Jeremy’s house was a baby death trap of horrors because he didn’t lock up his guns and didn’t have a gate around his pool. Jeremy’s “roommate” (Side note: Every time I type “Jeremy’s roommate,” I picture myself whispering it into the ear of a gossiping old lady during church service in the 50s) also claimed in court papers that Sonni threatened to expose “intimate videos” of Jeremy if he didn’t give her what she wants.
Those “intimate videos” won’t grace our eyeballs anytime soon, because those wrecks have settled their fight. People says that Jeremy must pay her $13,000 a month in child support. Their daughter Ava will spend half of the time at her mom’s house and the other half at Hawkeye’s lair. Sonni and Jeremy signed a prenup when they got married so she gets a whole lot of nothing in spousal support. Sonni wanted the prenup voided due to “fraud,” but that didn’t happen.
TMZ says that during the hearing yesterday, Sonni’s lawyer Mark Vincent Kaplan said they had more issues to settle, to which Jeremy’s lawyer Laura Wasser rolled her eyes at before the judge dismissed the case completely.
The extremely reliable and totally accurate accounting website called Celebrity Net Worth says that Jeremy Renner’s net worth is $35 million and he’s probably going to make another mountain of money from Avengers: Age of Ultron. So I’m disgusted that he’s only giving Sonni a measly $156,000 a year for child support! $156,000 won’t even get her an entry application into the Gold Digger Hall of Fame. Sonni deserved a lot more, because I’m sure she had to put up with a lot of shit like Tom Cruise calling at all hours of the day and night pretending to be a laundromat clerk and asking her to send him bags of Jeremy’s dirty chonies.
And I’m sure the “intimate video” that Sonni had was of Hawkeye making out and cuddling with a silicone mold of JLo’s tits, because he’s that heterosexual and he loves JLo tits that much.
After being pregnant for what felt like 4 years (I could have sworn her knocked-up announcement came out the same day Britney’s “Till The World Ends” was released), UsWeekly says that model/actress/semi-professional Alice from Resident Evil cosplayer Milla Jovovich gave birth to the baby growing inside of her earlier today. Milla and her husband Paul “Not the Boogie Nights one” Anderson are now the parents of a 7lb. 10oz. baby girl. I was crossing my fingers Milla made the smart decision and named her new baby Rouge Pulp, but UsWeekly says her name is Dashiel Eden. They already have a 7-year-old daughter named Ever Gabo.
Milla and Paul have chosen the most random names for their kids. Dashiel Eden sounds like the name of the summer cottage the Crawley family escapes to when Downton Abbey is being fumigated for bugs, while Ever and Dashiel sounds like the fancy Beverly Hills bedding store where Snobby Saleswoman #2′s sister works. Not to mention that Dashiel will probably get shortened down to Dash, which is truly tragic, because as we all know DASH is the name of the Kardashian’s jank clothing store. See, these are the things you have to consider before you name a baby.
And if you want to see what Milla looked like before she gave birth, here’s a very knocked-up Milla and her husband and their dogs going for a hike a few weeks ago. I can totally relate to those tiny poochies getting carried back to the car by Paul (hiking makes me tie-tie too).
Pics: Splash, Wenn.com
And today I learned that Jessica Paré’s baby daddy John Kastner sort of looks like what you’d get if that sneaky snake Pete Campbell got Don Draper hooked on peyote and abandoned him at a spiritual retreat in the desert during a SCDP business trip. Oh shit, did I just spoil the ending to Man Men for myself?
But back to Megan from Mad Men. For those of you thinking “Wait, Megan from Mad Men was pregnant?” – yes she was, and yesterday her boyfriend posted a picture of his 8-year-old daughter holding the baby they made together to Instagram with the caption:
“Please meet Blues Anthony Paré Kastner…“
This is Jessica’s first kid and John’s second.
Jessica and John (born name: Jean-Guy) are both French Canadian, so I’m personally shocked that they didn’t name their new baby something ultra-Québécois. I’m barely 1/16th French Canadian, but every time I think about naming something like a fish or a plant, my mind immediately goes to Céline or Étienne or Jean-Luc Guy de la Guy. But Blues is fine, I guess. Also if you switch his names around, you get Tony Blues, which sounds like the name of a street tough in a movie about 1950s denim gangs, and let’s be honest – that’s a pretty cool nickname.
And maybe if Baby Blues is lucky, his first stop on his way home from the hospital will be to visit mommy’s hot pretend husband Jon Hamm. Is it weird that I just wished I could pull a Freaky Friday with a baby?
Jude Law can now show people with his whole hand how many he children he has. Ironically, that hand gesture also doubles as a warning, as in – Jude Law, stop fathering so many damn kids, five is enough. Back in October, news rang out that virile daddy Jude Law had knocked up his one-time piece Catherine Harding with his fifth kid, and now People says that baby is finally here. Jude’s rep released a statement to People yesterday about Jude’s newest kid, a little girl, and it sounds like someone clearly didn’t complete their six-week PR correspondence course, because she never mentions whether or not her client is “over the moon” about her:
“I can confirm the arrival of Jude Law and Catherine Harding’s daughter. Both are delighted and continue to ask that their privacy and that of their child be respected.”
No word on what the baby’s name is, but if the names of Jude’s other four kids (Rafferty, Iris, Rudy, Sophia) are any indication, baby number 5 has an 75% chance of being named something very fancy and British-sounding. My guess is either Imogen or Cressida or Tea Biscuit Poppy Petal, but that last one only counts if Jude has access to a copy of The Bob Geldof Book of Baby Names.
Now let’s start the countdown to the next announcement from Jude Law’s PR person that Jude Law has knocked up another random one-night-stand. “Yeah, they might want to just start using a form letter” agreed his overactive sperm.
A few weeks ago, I was at the authentic Chinese gourmet emporium P.F. Chang’s and a dad was complaining to the server about how there’s nowhere in the men’s bathroom for him to change his baby. Dude was ranting about how he had to change his kid’s diaper on the dirty floor and if he did it on a table out in the open, he’d probably be arrested. So dramatic! Nobody would’ve called the cops. They wouldn’t have had time to call the cops, because the entire restaurant would have had to be evacuated after all of us puked up our insides from watching him change his baby’s dirty diaper while trying to enjoy some Beef á la Sichuan.
Well, new dad Ashton Kutcher feels that dude’s plight and is using his celebrity to bring on change and demand that every men’s bathroom have a place to clean up his kid’s piss and shit.
Ashton is sick of strolling into a bathroom with his baby daughter Wyatt and saying, “Dude, where’s the changing station?” Ashton doesn’t understand why women’s and family bathrooms have places to change diapers, but men’s bathrooms don’t. (Side note: I once went into a men’s bathroom and the diaper changing station was being used as a place for dudes to keep their drinks as they pissed. A changing station and a bar!) Ashton went on Facebook to announce his new mission and said that he will fart up a shout to the first men’s restroom he goes into that has a place to change diapers. The challenge has been thrown down!
I’m not sure how one Facebook shout out from Ashton will lead to worldwide change, but whatever, he’s fighting the good fight. I’m sure Justin Bieber will soon join the fight with Ashton, because it’s always a drag when he’s out partying with his bros and there’s no place for them to change his diaper after he gets the coke shits.
And here’s Ashton taking his kid for a hike in L.A. yesterday.
Earlier today, a picture from Twitter of Cate Blanchett holding a baby at Sydney Airport made the rounds. I really didn’t think anything of it, because that baby could’ve been the kid of a friend or relative, or maybe Cate rented that child so she could be the first person in First Class to get on that plane. But after Women’s Weekly said that 45-year-old Cate and her 49-year-old husband of 17 years, Andrew Upton, adopted a baby girl, her rep confirmed that they added another kid to their family 5. You’re going to need to take the rest of the day off to read the statement from Cate’s publicist, because it is longer than a Kanye rant and is filled with too many details:
She and her husband, Andrew Upton, have adopted a girl, E! News confirms. A rep for Blanchett tells E! News, “The Upton family [Cate Blanchett and Andrew Upton] have adopted a baby girl. No further details will be provided.”
Cate’s rep didn’t spit up the name of her new baby friend, but Women’s Weekly says the little girl’s name is Vivienne. I don’t know if I believe that Cate and her husband named their new kid Vivienne. Their sons’ names are: Dashiell (he’s 13), Roman (he’s 10) and Ignatius (he’s 6). Those sound like the names of fancy characters in fancy literary masterpieces. So I’m guessing that Cate and Andrew kept with that theme by naming their daughter either Bella Swan or Lucky Santangelo.
UPDATE: Cate’s publicist tells E! that they’ve named their daughter Edith Vivian Patricia Upton. That sounds like the name of a Downton Abbey character, so it totally fits in with the names of Cate’s other kids.
Here’s Cate doing an impersonation of Renee Zellweger’s old face outside of Jimmy Kimmel Live! earlier this week.