It felt like Mila Kunis was doing it Jessica Simpson style and was entering her 9th trimester, because it feels like I spent a piece of my 2013 and all of my 2014 looking at pictures of her carrying around a huge bundle of baby while looking absolutely miserable. I figured that her baby was stalling, because kid wasn’t ready to fully deal with the fact that their biological father wears outfits like that on a day that isn’t October 31st. But yesterday, baby said “fuck it” and came out.
TMZ says that early yesterday morning, Mila and Ashton Kutcher checked into Cedars-Sinai in L.A. Mila gave birth to a girl sometime yesterday Even though it felt like we were days away from seeing a 2-year-old’s leg hanging out of Mila’s cooch, TMZ says she delivered right on schedule. TMZ didn’t tell us anymore details like what their daughter’s name is (I’m going with Jacqueline Kelso Kunis Kutcher, JKKK for short), how much does their baby weigh (because this is REALLY important) and how many nurses did Ashton eye fuck.
Meanwhile, as Ashton’s brand new baby barfed on him for the first time as he rocked her to sleep, Demi Moore was in Costa Rica somewhere wiping vomit off of her dress after her barely legal boy toy drunkenly yacked on her while she gave him a lap dance to a Pitbull song at a club. United in baby barf. And I really hope Mila teaches her daughter Russian. Because if she does, that kid will sound really badass when she curses her daddy out in Russian after catching him sucking the nanny’s face in the laundry room.
You may file this news under “Oh my god I’m so old grab my Werthers and run me an epsom salt bath” or simply just shed a tear that Socks the Cat didn’t live long enough to be an uncle (Unky Socks sends his love from Kitty Heaven, I’m sure). Shortly after midnight last night, former first daughter and owner of legendary teen girl hair Chelsea Clinton announced on Twitter that she had finally evicted the baby who had been renting a room in her womb for the past 9 months, and now her and her husband Marc Mezvinsky are the parents of a baby girl named Charlotte Clinton Mezvinsky. Which also means it’s time to crack open a bottle of sparkling moonshine, cause BUBBA IS A PEPAW NOW!
Marc and I are full of love, awe and gratitude as we celebrate the birth of our daughter, Charlotte Clinton Mezvinsky.
— Chelsea Clinton (@ChelseaClinton) September 27, 2014
Charlotte Clinton Mezvinsky sounds like the name of a high-powered Upper West Side real estate agent who always wears Christian Dior Poison, goes by “Char-Char” when she’s drunk, and won’t show you anything under $4.8 million. I love it! 30 years from now, she could star in a reality show about the cutthroat world of lady condo brokers. It could be called Billion Dollar Bitche$ (I assume condos will be a billion dollars in the future).
And I know Chelsea is only one-half hee-haw, but I was sort of hoping she might pay tribute to Bill Clinton’s Arkansas upbringing by at least giving her baby a southern-fried gravy-slathered middle name, like Britnee or Amber or Bobbi-Jo. Charlotte Bobbi-Jo Mezvinsky has a nice ring to it!
(via Page Six)
For the second time in our lifetimes, a weird thing that we never thought would happen happened: a baby came fist pumping out of Snooki’s mammaloid cooka. The hybrid of a miniature dragon and an Ewok birthed out her and Jionni LaValle’s second adorable guidoling this morning. Ten seconds after a baby was pulled out of Snooki’s body, she jumped on Twitter to announced her kid’s name. Snooki gave her daughter a name that honors her Italian upbringing and that’s nice and everything but I really wish she would’ve honored her reality shit show roots by naming her kid after the duck phone. When will one of those Jersey Shore whores do right by naming one of their spawn after the duck phone?
So happy to let you know we had our beautiful daughter this morning Giovanna Marie LaValle. 6.7 lbs, full head of black hair & perfect
— Nicole Polizzi (@snooki) September 26, 2014
Snooki and Jionni’s first kid, Lorenzo Dominic, is already 2 years old.
It really feels like it was only a second ago when Snooki was pissing on the club floor and trying to stuff Vinny’s watermelon peen into her pinhole poon. And now she’s traded barfing in the jacuzzi for getting barfed on by babies, and is coordinating ovulation cycles with JWoww so they can give birth to babies around the same time and guarantee themselves a season renewal. Our reality show fame whores grow up so fast.
Seen above wearing a ring on his hitchin’ finger at a screening for his movie Kill The Messenger in DC last night, Grumpy Cat’s human twin Jeremy Renner confirmed to Capitol File Magazine that he’s married to the model and actress type he knocked up a couple of years ago. Cue up the blind items that say that Kelly Preston has proudly welcomed a newest member to the Beard Wife Hall of Fame Club!
During the interview, the reporter from Capitol File probably noticed the ring he’s been wearing and straight up asked his 43-year-old ass if he’s married to his 22-year-old baby mother Sonni Pacheco. Jeremy dribbled out a “yes” and went on to say that he hasn’t come out as a married man, because he cares about the privacy of his wife and their 17-month-old daughter Ava Berlin (who, thanks to that name, is destined to become a gay club cabaret singer in Germany):
I have tried to protect my family’s privacy, my wife’s privacy. I don’t need her to get hammered with my life. Privacy issues are important because I want her to go about her day without being bothered. Yeah… Paps follow me, [and] that’s fine. But it’s annoying being followed when I’m with my family. It’s not just me—everyone [in Hollywood] has to deal with that. I’ve been talked about a whole lot, because the less I put out there, the less people know, and it makes it interesting, I assume.
When he said, “need her to get hammered with,” I expected him to go in a completely different direction than where he went. I think what he means by “protect my family’s privacy” is “Eh, I’ve gotta a movie to sell, so why not drop that little headline maker?”
According to Us Weekly, those high-pitched tear-soaked screams you’re hearing just now are coming from the thousands of Gal-slings (lady Ryan Gosling fans) after they received the news that Eva Mendes was actually for-real pregnant with Ryan’s baby, and it wasn’t, in fact, just a cruel prank being played on them by that dark-sided man-stealing hussy. Multiple sources have confirmed to Us Weekly that Eva gave birth to a baby girl on Friday. Nothing else about the baby is known, so for now we shall call it BABY GOOSE.
Eva tried to keep Baby Goose a secret for most of her pregnancy; she never really admitted that she was knocked-up (Ellen did that for her) and the last time she was seen in public was more than three months ago. But now she can’t really hide Baby Goose that well (unless she finds a way to MacGyver a Baby Bjorn under her clothes). Or maybe Ryan will take care of it; don’t ducks carry their babies by hiding them under their wings? Either way, I doubt we’re about to see a People cover of Eva Mendes posing with a wrinkly confused-looking 5-day-old Baby Goose with the headline “MEET MY AVIAN MIRACLE!” (You’re right – she’s probably holding out for 10-page spread in Wildfowl).
But the only thing I really care about is whether or not the doctors handed Ryan Baby Goose and he greeted her for the first time by saying “Hey girl.“
The good thing about being with someone with letters tattooed on their fingers is that you can easily tell them which finger you want during finger fuck times. Give me just the A! Now slowly bring in that N! Okay, shove the whole ANT in me. It just makes things easier and kind of educational. Now on to Sara Gilbert and Linda Perry’s BABY!!! news…..
Sara Gilbert casually announced on her show The Talk today that she’s got a womb full of her first kid with her wife Linda Perry. People says that during the show’s “Facing Your Fears” segment, Sara said that she couldn’t do her dare of lying on a bed of nails with a cinder block on her stomach, because doing so would be an act of fetus abuse since she’s pregnant.
“I actually can’t do it, because I’m pregnant,” she revealed, tearing up. “I feel good, I feel really good … at first I was really tired.”
This kid will be Sara’s third and Linda Perry’s first.
Sara didn’t say who jacked off into a donor cup for her and the cholita Steven Tyler. I’m guessing that Johnny Galecki did the honors. It has to be Johnny Galecki. I mean, Sara Gilbert wouldn’t be with Linda Perry if Johnny didn’t “turn her into a lesbian” by putting his mouth on hers a million years ago, so it’s only fitting.
In case you couldn’t tell by the sound of Morrissey squealing with joy, Duchess Kate’s got another royal growing in her uterus. We all better start building up our endurance and training to not blink for hours on end, because soon we’ll all be spending every moment of our day staring at that damn fucking door while watching St. Mary’s Hospital live feed.
Clarence House announced this morning that Prince William busted a raw royal nut all over Duchess Kate’s royal ovaries and one stuck. Duchess Kate is knocked up with the fourth in line to the throne and more importantly, she’s knocked up with another kid who gets to learn from the master, Prince Hot Ginge, how to butt chug vodka in the Buckingham Palace powder room so THE QUEEN won’t be able to smell booze on their breath. Just like the last time, Duchess Kate has got the morning barfs in a major way so she had to call in sick to her job today and she’s not even at the 12-week mark yet.
Their Royal Highnesses The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge are very pleased to announce that The Duchess of Cambridge is expecting their second child.
The Queen and members of both families are delighted with the news.
As with her first pregnancy, The Duchess is suffering from Hyperemesis Gravidarum. Her Royal Highness will no longer accompany The Duke of Cambridge on their planned engagement in Oxford today. The Duchess of Cambridge is being treated by doctors at Kensington Palace.
Congratulations to Duchess Kate, because now she’s really done her job to the fullest by giving the royal family an heir AND a spare. Congratulations to Prince Hot Ginge, because now he’s even further away from the throne. And congratulations to Baby Prince George, because soon he’ll have a little brother or sister to slap around and steal toys from.
And condolences to all you Brits, because now you’ll have to get a second or third job to pay for that baby.
While some of us were in the middle of watching Joan Rivers clips on You Tube (like the clip of her cursing out that heckler who got mad at her for making fun of Helen Keller in her documentaryand my favorite clip of her and Melissa dragging POKAH PLAYA Annie Duke on Celebrity Apprentice, etc…….), ScarJo’s baby just had to interrupt everything and make it all about her by being born today. So selfish! Couldn’t her baby have waited one more day and come out tomorrow?!
ScarJo’s rep tells People that she and her French hipster fiancé Romain Dauriac are parents to a daughter. If you’re a horny Marvel fanboy, you probably didn’t read any of those words, because the only thought in your head is: BLACK WIDOW’S TITS ARE GOING TO GET BIGGER NOW THAT THEY MAKE MILK!!!! While Marvel fanboys slobber over that thought, the rest of you can read what ScarJo and Romain named their kid:
Daughter Rose Dorothy was born in New York City. The baby’s middle name is an homage to Johansson’s grandmother, whom she called “the first Francophone in my family” while accepting her honorary César in Paris last February.
“Mother and daughter are doing well,” publicist Marcel Pariseau tells the Associated Press in a statement.
Rose Dorothy. I love every piece of that name for very, very obvious reasons. If they have another kid and name that kid Blanche Sophia, I will have a really good reason to actually like ScarJo.
But really, Scarlett and Rose… They’re obviously going with a red theme. They’re going to name their second kid Rouge, their third kid Ruby, their fourth kid Wine and their fifth kid Crimson. If they have a sixth kid, my thoughts and prayers are with that child, because they’re going to run out of shades of red and will have to name it Menstrual.
Us Weekly says that Alyssa Milano, star of Who’s The Boss?, Charmed, and one of the greatest made-for-TV movies ever made, Casualties of Love: The Long Island Lolita Story, has given birth to her second child. A rep for Alyssa Milano (every time I write that I get a craving for a delicious Pepperidge Farms sandwich cookie) confirmed that earlier today she pushed out a little girl that her and her husband David Bugliari have named Elizabella Dylan Bugliari. They already have a 3-year-old son named Milo Thomas.
Alyssa Mint Milano Cookies named her first kid something pretty normal and safe, so I’m glad she went a little more dramatic with the second one. “Elizabella Bugliari” sounds like an Italian supermodel-turned-professional ruthless gold digger from a 1980′s Primetime TV drama about high-stakes finance. I love it! Elizabella is barely an hour old and already I’m terrified of her; she sounds so glamorous and calculating. I bet she came out of her Alyssa Milano’s uterus wearing patent leather pumps. You can’t trust Elizabella Bugliari – she’ll steal your goldfish crackers AND your man!
“Elizabella Bugliari” also sounds like the name Samantha Micelli would pick for her fake ID. I can just picture Tony confronting her in the kitchen after finding the fake ID in the pocket of her Jordache jeans. “Come on Suh-man-thuh, I thought I raised you bettuh than this!“
Carrie Underwood used Labor Day to announce that in a few months she’ll be going into labor, because a fetus has moved into her womb. I tried to laugh at the cheesiness of her announcement, but I couldn’t, because up until I was 6 or 7 I really thought that Labor Day was a day to celebrate women birthing out babies. It’s a good thing I was totally wrong, because if I was right, we’d all be spending Labor Day making soap for the world’s labor queen Michelle Duggar. Oh, and by “6 or 7″ I mean “a month ago.”
Carrie Underwears posted the above pic on Instagram today with this little note:
In honor of “Labor” Day, Ace & Penny would like to make an announcement. Their parents couldn’t be happier…
No, Carrie isn’t announcing that she’s getting another dog. Carrie’s husband Mike Fisher tweeted this:
We haven’t picked names yet but it’s looking like Fly is gonna fly. #boyorgirl #flyfisherf
That’s nice and everything, but something tells me that Fly Underwears Fisher is going to be an only child. Because after Carrie threw that picture up on Instagram, Ace and Penny snuck out of the house and caught a Peter Pan bus to the farthest nudist dog colony where they can freely live without having to worry about hos forcing them to wear embarrassing t-shirts like that. You can see the shame in their body language.
via CBS Sports