Rachel Bilson And Hayden Christensen Just Had A Baby, And Apparently They Are Huge Sleeping Beauty Fans
Since I’m a Canadian person, I’m sure some of you are expecting me to say something snarky about that Maples Leafs hat on Hayden Christensen’s head. But to be completely honest, I don’t much care for hockey. I know, I should have my citizenship revoked.
Us Weekly says that Rachel Bilson (aka Summer from The O.C.) and her boyfriend Hayden Christensen (aka NOT SETH) are now the parents of a baby girl. Cue “The Circle of Life” from The Lion King! And while neither Rachel nor Hayden have confirmed the news themselves, multiple sources claim that their new baby’s name is Briar Rose. “NOOOOOOOOOOOO” screamed Blake Lively, as she crosses the top name off her Disney Princess baby name list.
In case booze has killed your last remaining brain cell containing the memories of your childhood, or you’ve just plain forgot, Briar Rose is the alias used by that narcoleptic trick Princess Aurora when she goes to live in the woods with those hot Golden Girls fairies in Sleeping Beauty. I want to like that name, but believe it or not, I’ve known two Briars, and they were both stuck-up bitches. But I’m sure it’s just a coincidence, and Baby Briar Rose Bilson-Christensen will grow up to be cool and not a jerk who makes fun of my last-season L.A. Gears.
Or maybe Hayden wanted to pay tribute to his Canadian roots by naming his baby after what is arguably the most Canadian thing in existence, the Tim Horton’s Brier! Hayden – it’s not too late! You can still change that baby’s middle name to Céline!
Early this morning, every Cumberbitch woke up and after she used her fingers to chip away the shell of crusty tears that sealed her eyelids shut, she opened her eyes to see her loved one holding an open laptop while saying, “It’s time to face the Internet again.” The glare from her laptop screen blinded her for a second and she screamed, “I’m not ready! I’m not ready to face the truth!” Well, hopefully she ignored the Internet, went back to bed and continued to weep while clutching her otter stuffed animal (it’s the closest thing to a Benedict Cumberbatch Real Doll out there), because this totally truthful rumor will make her rip her own heart out and eat it.
As you all know, the Internet was almost buried alive under a mountain of broken hearts and shattered dreams yesterday when Bendandsnap Culomatches and his fancy theater director girlfriend Sophie Hunter announced in a newspaper that they’re getting married. The Daily Mail says that B. Cums and Sophie Hunter are moving pretty fast, because he only started rubbing his cloaca against her recently. B. Cums and Sophie have been friends for years and years, but they just started dating full-time five months ago, if that. The source says that B. Cums proposed on Monday and they told the newspaper on Tuesday.
“It has moved fast, but when something works, it works. They are very good for each other and are very much in love. They have mutual friends and mutual interests in the theatre. It just works. They have clicked. It is lovely news. They just got engaged this week. He didn’t go up to Edinburgh to ask her mum first. He asked her, I think, on Monday, then they rang to put the advert in on Tuesday.”
Because B. Cums put a ring on it so fast, some are saying that Sophie is pregnant and might hatch out a litter of alien lizard human babies in a few months. But a few Cumberbitches think this is all just a STUNT QUEEN stunt to get him more exposure before he begins his campaign for Oscar! I know, getting married is crazy in itself, but getting married to win an Oscar? Whatever happened to the old-fashioned sane ways of winning an Oscar like pushing your rival down the stairs or anonymously telling the media that your biggest competition is a racist homophobe?
I doubt B. Cums knocked up his fiancee, but if he did, we’ll all save so much money on our heating bills this winter. We’ll be able to warm our ass cheeks on the flames of fiery rage shooting out of the Cumberbitches.
Somewhere in a solid gold diamond-encrusted Illuminati pyramid playhouse on a private island you’ve never heard of, Blue Ivy Carter has started practicing her “Bitch, NO” face to be used in the future for when she forms a platinum-selling super group in her garage with Kelly Rowland’s new baby and Michelle Williams (“Michelle, here’s $50; go sing backup for my kid” – Beyonce), and Kelly’s baby has the audacity to claim they’re the second lead vocalist.
People says that on Tuesday afternoon, Kelly Rowland gave birth to the Destiny’s Child growing in her fetus hatch, and now she and her husband/manager Tim Witherspoon are the parents of a baby boy named Titan Jewell. Kelly told People back in July that her husband had picked out the name for their baby and that it had something to do with family, so I’m guessing Tim’s dad is either the alien mayor of one of Saturn’s moons or the dude who released the Kraken. And Jewell is a great middle name, because babies are expensive as hell and should be named after the expensive stuff you’ll no longer be able to afford once you give birth to one.
And you should probably go ahead and prepare for a Stage-10 internet meltdown now, because it will be only a matter of seconds until that shady bitch Beyonce bumps the release of that second surprise album she was working on from next week to today in an attempt to yank the spotlight away from Kelly. First rule of Beyonce: nobody outshines Beyonce!
After being pregnant for what felt like a hot second (I swear the announcement came out last week), Robert Downey Jr.’s wife Susan has evicted the baby living rent-free in her body for the past 9 months. Those babies – such freeloaders! People says that Susan and Iron Man are now the parents to a baby girl who was born in Los Angeles. Baby Downey Jr. joins Susan and DRJ’s two-and-a-half year old son Exton Elias and RDJ’s 21-year-old son Indio.
So far, RDJ hasn’t said anything about his new baby friend on Twitter or Facebook, but when he does, it will no doubt be very Robert Downey Jr.-y. However, the thing I’m looking most forward to is that baby’s name! When RDJ first confirmed that he’d busted another bareback Iron Man nut into his wife, he joked: “Yo. Susan. Me. Baby. Girl. November. Scorpio?“, and I really hope he meant he planned on naming that baby Scorpio. Look, I know it has everything to do with the fact that her due date was between October 24th and November 22nd, but just let me believe! Scorpio Downey is a hot name! It sounds like an alias used by a devastatingly glamorous aspiring soap opera star-turned-British spy. Scorpio Downey knows all your secrets, but Scorpio Downey will never talk. NEVAH!!!
Not to mention it works perfectly with the other two kids’ names. Indio, Exton, and Scorpio – how dramatic! It sounds like the most successful law firm in Hell, which is always what you should be going for when you name your kids, right?
UPDATE: Pour one out for Scorpio Downey, the hot name that was never meant to be. RDJ just tweeted that the name of his new baby girl is Avri Roel Downey, and she was born yesterday morning. Avri Roel? It’s no Scorpio, but it kind of sounds like a drunk chick trying to pronounce Axl Rose, and I can get behind that.
Yup, 9 months after this picture of Stevie Wonder pressing his fertile dick wand against that keytar was taken, it gave birth to his babies. Tickling the ivories, indeed.
I always praise KFed and Lil Wayne as the fertile, baby-making jizz gods of the celebrity world and I’ve been wrong this whole time. Because all of the praise needs to go to Stevie “The 8th World” Wonder and his army of potent, ovary egg-busting sperm fishes. If you bareback bone Stevie Wonder, there’s a 100% chance that your doctor will call you a few weeks later to say, “I just caaaaaaaaalled to saaaaaay YOU PREGNANT.” Stevie already has 8 kids with 5 different women and Page Six says that he’s about to be a father to triplets.
Some source says that 64-year-old Stevie’s 40-year-old girlfriend of a year Tomeeka Robyn Bracy is knocked up with a trio of fetuses. The source doesn’t say whether or not Stevie overjizzed his girlfriend naturally or if it was an IVF situation and he fapped into a plastic cup. If it’s the latter, that plastic cup is also pregnant. The only thing the source said is that Tomeeka’s got a gut full of Wonder babies and making babies makes him happy:
“It’s Stevie’s mechanism for his happiness. I don’t know that he set out to have 11 children, including triplets at his age, but it’s not like he isn’t happy about it or he can’t afford children.”
Tomeeka birthed out Stevie’s 8th child just last year. Stevie’s eldest kid, singer Aisha Morris, is 39. Stevie’s rep didn’t have shit to say about this.
Sitting at a high school graduation is hell, but sitting at a high school graduation when you’re 80-something years old sounds like hell’s hell. Who wants to suffer through that? But if Pepaw Stevie wants to spend his “vodka and prune juice on the lanai at 3pm” phase of life getting slobbered on by a baby, then good for him. I’m sure the workers in the child support check payment processing industry thank for him the job security. And before you slut shame Stevie Wonder for having 11 kids with 5 baby mothers, did you ever stop to think that maybe he thought he was busting raw nuts up into the same trick all these years?
On this Halloween weekend, one of America’s scariest families, the Duggars, cackled into the night sky, because a new uterus has joined their army of uteruses and their plan to take over the world is one step closer to coming true. A new Duggar baby-making machine was christened yesterday when 21-year-old Jessa Duggar married her 19-year-old fiancé of two and a half months Ben Seewald in front of 1,000 people at First Baptist Church in Bentonville, AR. Why do I have a feeling that Jessa is holding her bouquet over her stomach, because just like Jill Duggar, five seconds after she front-hugged her husband for the first time she came down with a CASE OF THE BABIES!!!!
People says that Jessa and Ben’s wedding was filmed for 19 Kids and Counting (DUH) and will air on TLC next season. As everyone pretty much knows, the Duggars are only allowed to Christian side hug the piece they’re dating during “courtship” and they have to save all that dark-sided slutty stuff like kissing and front hugging until after they’re married. Jessa’s older sister Jill shared her first kiss with her husband in front of everyone at her wedding, so People says that Jessa and Ben’s guests were “eagerly” waiting for their first kiss. Those sucio guests. If they really want to watch two kissing virgins pop each other’s kissing cherries by awkwardly mouth fuck for the first time, they should just watch a mama bird barf food into her baby’s beak, because that’s what it looks like. But Jessa and Ben disappointed everyone, because they chose to kiss for the first time in private. Since the crowd of sickos really wanted to see two Duggars kiss, Michelle and Jim Bob got up and touched lips for the crowd, which isn’t weird at all.
The couple, who wrote their own wedding vows, were saving their very first kiss until after they were married. But they had a surprise for the crowd eagerly waiting to see them lock lips on stage after Pastor Mike Schadt introduced them as Mr. and Mrs. Seewald.
“They wanted their very first kiss ever to be in private,” Schadt tells PEOPLE. “It was important to the both of them.”
He then spoke to the crowd for several minutes about the couple’s decision and asked Jessa’s parents Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar to show the wedding crowd a kiss. “So, now you’ve seen a Duggar kiss,” Schadt said.
Michelle and Jim Bob are horny freaks, so I’m sure that kiss was all tongue and slobber and she didn’t definitely got poked by his eager baby-making wand.
I love a Duggar SCANDAL, so I’m going to say that Jessa didn’t wear white and didn’t kiss at her wedding, because she already lost her kissing virginity with her piece and she didn’t want lie in front of God. Or Jessa and Ben figured that kissing is boring so they might as well skip that shit and go straight to marital oral and rimming. Yeah, that’s probably it.
Kensington Palace Says That Duchess Kate Will Birth Out Her Second Fancy Royal Baby Sometime In April
I’m not sure what Prince Harry, Duchess Kate, and Prince William are looking at in this picture, but whatever it is, it’s giving them the same glazed-over look in their eyes I get when I look at a picture of the Royal Family that doesn’t include Baby Prince George or The Queen’s loyal army of corgis, aka the REAL STAHS of that family. Maybe I’ll Photoshop a corgi perching on Prince William’s shoulder (like a pirate with a parrot) later.
Speaking of Baby Prince George, he only has about 5 months left of struttin’ around the house like he owns the place (even though he technically owns the place). The Telegraph says that Kensington Palace has confirmed that Duchess Kate’s second FRF (fancy royal fetus) is due sometime in April. They also said she still has a case of the sicks, but she’s hurling a lot less than she was in the beginning of her pregnancy. Less hurling? Party on, Kate!
The arrival of Duchess Kate’s FRF in April means there’s a 1 in 30 chance it could be born on either The Queen’s 89th birthday (April 21st) or Kate and William’s 4th wedding anniversary (April 29th). Sorry, did I say 1 in 30? I meant a snowball’s chance in hell, cause ain’t no fancy royal baby stealing The Queen’s thunder on her own birthday! I bet The Queen has instructed her thuggiest corgi to make sure Kate doesn’t go into labor anywhere near April 21st by crawling up the royal cooch and telling that baby to stay put or else. But if by some unholy miracle the baby is born on The Queen’s birthday, she can always use her Queenly powers to change the hour of the baby’s birth into a new day, like April 21.5 or April-ish. Problem solved!
I don’t know if that’s his jizz face or if that’s the face he makes every time he finds out he’ll have to write another child support check every month.
Condoms: Jude Law still doesn’t know how they work. Because Jude’s rep tells People that he one again bareback boned a baby into a woman’s uterus. Soon a fifth child will stare up at his shiny Tetris hairline and call him daddy. The latest member of The Jude Law Baby Mother Club is a woman named Catherine Harding and she and Jude might’ve had on of those “Um, not only did you leave your toothbrush at my apartment, but you left a baby in me too,” conversations after they broke up. Because they’re no longer a thing. Jude’s spokeswhore gave this statement to People:
“I can confirm that Jude Law and Catherine Harding are expecting a child together in the spring. Whilst they are no longer in a relationship, they are both wholeheartedly committed to raising their child. They consider this a private matter and other than this confirmation no statement will be made. I ask that you respect the privacy of all parties involved and their families.”
Jude and his ex-wife Sadie Frost have three kids together: 18-year-old Rafferty, 12-year-old Rudy and 13-year-old Iris. Jude also made a daughter named Sophia with model type Samantha Burke 5 years ago. Samantha was apparently a two-night stand and Jude found out long after they stopped talking that she was knocked up. So basically, Jude Law sucks at the whole “hit it and quit it” thing.
And Hugh Grant, you’ve been challenged.
Demi Moore Met Ashton Kutcher’s Baby At A Kabbalah Blessing, Didn’t Suck The Kid’s Soul Out With Her Eyes (Yet)
Oh, to be a fly on Rumer Willis’ chin when Demi Moore pretended to play happy with her cheating ass tampon of a husband and his perfect little family while fighting the urge to stick the spigot from her wine purse into her mouth hole and guzzle until the feelings were no longer.
I guess Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher decided to share joint custody of Kabbalah, because they’re both still Kabbalists and they recently reunited for Wyatt Isabelle Kutcher’s blessing at a temple in L.A. The second most reputable and trustworthy literary journal in Britain, The Sun (via thee most reputable and trustworthy literary journal in Britain, The Daily Mail), says that Demi and two of the Tater Sisters, Rumer and Tallulah, showed up with gifts (a really practical cashmere baby blanket and an engraved picture frame) for Baby WIK (which sounds like food stamps for Kardashians). Since Baby WIK is the new Kabbalah chosen one, it was probably a lot like when the Three Kings brought gifts to the baby Jesus. But instead of being Three Kings, Demi, Rumer and Tallulah are Three Messes who are about as wise as the bottle of gin Demi finished off in the parking lot. It was probably really awkward for Mila when her baby started getting thirsty while staring at the Three Messes with their free nipples hanging out.
I bet the hospital doesn’t even require fathers to wear the mask; they just gave it to him to limit the number of toxic douche germs that exit his mouth when he talks. It is a hospital, after all. Gotta keep that shit clean.
UsWeekly says it’s time for us to pop a bottle of champagne and flash our tits for some celebratory beads, because the human drug-resistant UTI that is Joe Francis is now somebody’s daddy, and not in the gross “Who’s your daddy?” way. Joe’s bobo Amy Smart-looking girlfriend and former Girl Gone Wild Abbey Wilson gave birth to the couple’s daughters on Tuesday in Puerto Vallarta, Mexico. Joe and Abbey announced the birth of their daughters by releasing a DVD called GIRLS GONE WILD PRESENTS: TWO GIRLS DESTROYING ONE FORMER GIRLS GONE WILD GIRL’S VAGINA. No! They didn’t do that (I don’t think Joe is legally allowed to use the GGW name anymore). They announced it on Instagram.
Joe and Abbey’s new babies – or as Joe calls them “See? I’m not a predatory douchebag, I have two daughters!” – are named Alexandria Claire and Athena Olivia Francis. Which is so bizarre to me, because I was so sure they’d go with something a little more Girls Gone Wild-y, like Nikki and Tiffani. Regardless of what they names their babies, Joe’s partner-in-satan Pimp Mama Kris will no doubt change them to something more on-brand like Klaire and Kathena when she swoops in like a and starts pimping them out. It’s only a matter of time – Kendall and The Other One are getting old. PMK needs fresh meat. Watch out, Baby Alexandria and Baby Athena! If a half-melted piece of orange silly putty approaches you with a man in red pajamas with a pitchfork asking if you wanna be famous, YOU SAY NO!