Today is the 34th anniversary of Justin Timberlake’s born day and he thanked everyone for throwing happy birthday wishes at him by Instagramming that picture with this caption:
Thank you EVERYONE for the Bday wishes! This year, I’m getting the GREATEST GIFT EVER. CAN’T WAIT. #BoyOrGirl #YouNeverKnow #WeDontEvenKnow #WeAreTakingBets
When I first saw that picture, for about a second I thought JT was kissing on someone’s ass cheeks. I thought he was really happy about getting some ass to kiss on his for his birthday and this picture was his way of coming out as a lover of salad tossing. I expected him to announce a collaboration with Drake next. But then my one brain cell (I’m being generous) started working and I realized that it’s not a pair of nalgas he has his lips on, it’s a belly full of baby. Anyone who cares about the goings on in Jessica Biel’s womb has known for a while that she’s knocked up with a TimberFetus that will hopefully inherit its dad’s natural Ramen noodle curls. Today, Justin finally confirmed that he’s going to be a dad. If you look down at your pubes, you’ll see that one of them has turned white. That’s from finding out that Justin Timberlake is going to be a dad. We’re all old.
Poor Jessica Biel. Justin hijacked her wedding cover of People Magazine and now he leaves her face out of his baby announcement picture. Are we sure that’s even Jessica? Are we sure that’s not a bewigged Joey Fatone after a belly wax?
Shakira Pulled A Beyonce And Rented Out The Entire Floor Of A Hospital For The Birth Of Her Second Son
I’m sure some of you read the words “pulled a Beyonce” and your brain immediately pictured Shakira shopping for a Publicity’s Choice™ 3rd trimester pillow, but no – that baby bump actually has a baby in it. Well, at least it did at one time; according to The Mirror (via NY Daily News), that baby is now living on the outside and has been since about 11pm Thursday night. Congratulations, Shakira – you’re one baby closer to that all-baby football team you wanted!
Shakira and her low-budget Scott Disick-looking professional football-kicking baby daddy Gerard Piqué already have a 2-year-old son named Milan, and last night another baby boy was pulled from her body via c-section at the Quiron Teknon Hospital in Barcelona. The Mirror says Shakira’s new baby is called Sacha, but Shakira hasn’t really confirmed that yet, so it could be Sacha or it could be Santa or it could be Shakira Jr. (but it’s probably Sacha). Also, if Baby Sacha ever wants to do drag, Sacha Piqué is a super hot name.
And Baby Sacha apparently didn’t have to compete with any other babies for the title of Cutest Baby Thing on the birthing floor, because Billboard says Shakira rented out the whole floor for privacy. That, or it was because Gerard didn’t want any of those other babies looking at his his lady. Either way, congratulations on your new baby Shakira, and enjoy your empty-ass hospital! Sleep in all the beds, pee in all the toilets – really get your money’s worth.
About two weeks after I moved to NYC, I went out with some dude I met on the Internet. We went to a bar and sometime during the date, we were talking about movies and he asked me what my favorite was. I told him the usual, Showgirls and Angel. I asked him what his was and he spit out some movie called Monkey Shines. I had never heard of that shit before and he went on to tell me that it’s his favorite, because there’s a scene where Stanley Tucci is wearing nothing but a towel. I think his tip got extra moist when he said that. That opened up a can of Tucci. He went on to tell me that Stanley Tucci is his dream dude and he once dated a German guy who looked like a taller Stanley Tucci. The Tucci-a-like barely spoke English and my date barely spoke German. They had a hard time talking to each other, but they dated for over a year, because but my date just couldn’t break up with him since he looked like Stanley Tucci so much. He probably talked about Stanley Tucci for a good 20 minutes. I get it, Stanley Tucci is hot. I’d hit it until we both needed medical attention. But maybe you should want until date 2 to let me know you’re a Tuccihead. So when I read this news about Stanley Tucci being a dad again, I pictured my date from 14 years ago screaming, “It should’ve been meeeeee,” while sliding against his bedroom wall covered in shirtless Tucci pictures.
Stanley Tucci and his wife of about two years Felicity Blunt, who is a literary agent and Emily Blunt’s sister, are now parents to a boy. The Tucci Blunt baby was born on Sunday in London. This kid is Felicity Blunt’s first and Stanley’s fourth (he has 14-year-old twins and a 12-year-old daughter with his late wife Kate who died from breast cancer in 2009). Stanley’s rep gave this jokey statement to People:
“I believe he is mine. We are all thrilled to welcome him to this cold, cruel world. We are all thrilled that he is here and healthy.”
Stanley and Felicity named their son Matteo Oliver. Matteo Oliver is a normal and not-at-all crazy name, but if I was him I wouldn’t go by Matteo Oliver. I’d go by my parents’ last names, because Tucci Blunt is a way better and more glamorous name. It sounds like the name of a drag queen rapper.
And here’s Matteo Oliver’s auntie and uncle, Emily Blunt and John Kransinski, with their baby at the farmer’s market in L.A. over the weekend.
It’s been five months since Christina Aguilera asked a delivery room nurse to lube up her down lows with a silicone-based tinted foundation primer (“I want my baby’s first make-up experience to be special” she said, as she prepared the adhesive on a set of infant-sized false eyelashes) and pushed out her future Disney Channel star Summer Rain, and we finally have a picture of her. Sort of. Earlier today, Xtina introduced us to her baby with fiancé Matt Rutler by tweeting a photo of her laying on a rug. At least I assume it’s a rug: she could be scaling the side of the Shaggin’ Wagon from Dumb and Dumber or laying on the skinned corpse of the Snuggle Bear for all we know.
Since Xtina didn’t post a photo of her face, there’s not much we know about Summer Rain. But according to her embroidered diaper cover, she’s a lil’ diva (awwww, just like her mommy). She also has hair, two hands, and a foot. Maybe Xtina chose not to post a picture of her face for privacy reasons, but if I know Xtina, it’s because Summer Rain hasn’t quite mastered the art of subtle contouring and foundation application. Or maybe Summer Rain wasn’t happy with the way her mommy drew on her eyebrows and she was crawling away to find some baby wipes.
Then again, if I were Summer Rain (and I’m not, because life truly isn’t fair), I’d be hiding my face in shame if I knew I had the words Lil’ Diva written in Curlz (CURLZ!) emblazoned across my butt.
We’ll all remember where we were the moment we learned that Zooey Deschanel’s boyfriend was not, in fact, a charming come-to-life vintage scarecrow from an Etsy store called Wish & Sawdust. People says that after dating for about half a year, Zooey Deschanel and her producer boyfriend Jacob Pechenik are expecting a baby. Zooey confirmed the news by embroidering the word BABY onto a handmade bunting made from 1950s aprons and tying it to a dozen pastel balloons, which she released into the air while playing “Be My Baby” by The Ronettes on a child’s ukelele. No! She just released this statement to People:
“Jacob and I are over the moon. We are so excited to meet our little one.”
You’d think that the moon wouldn’t be quirky enough for Zooey. Then again, she didn’t specify what moon she was over. “Jacob and I over Tethys, the third moon of Saturn. It’s cool, you probably haven’t heard of it.”
Zooey says she’s expecting some time this summer, which means we’re but 6 or so months away from some next-level whimsical fuckery in the baby name department. Of course Zooey could blow our minds and name the baby something like Jenny or Steve, but survey says it will probably be verrrrryyyyy precious. If it’s a girl, my guesses are: Sugar Ribbon, Eyelash Giggles, Bluebird Bicyclette, or Waffles. And if it’s a boy, my guesses are Skipper Jones, Jooey Canoe, Peter Pan, or Tooter. Or just the sound of Zooey singing Christmas songs.
Grand master STUNT QUEEN Beyonce squirted up this picture on Instagram today and it’s got a lot of hos wondering if in a few months, the ground of the planet will once again be blessed by the toes of another deity. Beyonce didn’t put up a caption with this picture, because if threw up something like #JustStuntinAsUsual, her sand baby bump wouldn’t become a #1 trending topic on Twitter in all countries and every major news outlet wouldn’t break into their regularly scheduled programming to discuss this very important global news!
What does it all mean?! Is Beyonce letting everyone know that she really is the troll of all trolls by giving birth to a giant, sandy stunt on Instagram? Or are we about to get a second performance from her Tempur-Pedic pillow bump and months and months of surrogate rumors? Who knows! But if this is Beyonce’s way of announcing that she’s got a CASE OF THE BABIES, then I guess she’s also announcing that she’s got one tit and elephantitis of the shoulder.
Personally, I think Beyonce is just taking the attention away from Jesus on his day and is giving the Beyhive something to rabidly buzz over. I don’t think Beyonce would announce that she’s knocked up the same way your old high school friend would announce their pregnancy on Facebook. I refuse to believe that Beyonce would announce that she’s knocked up without a full crew, a team of choreographers, costume changes and a six figure budget.
If she and Jay-Z really are expecting another baby that they’ll probably name Fuchsia Fern Carter, then we’ll really know. When they’re about to announce the winner of the last award at the Golden Globes tonight, the lights will flicker, the room will shake, the ceiling will open up and Beyonce will descend from the sky with a gold-painted bump while dancers dressed like gold storks spell out the words “It’s A BeyBy” with letter sparklers. No, the Golden Globes is ONLY watched by 20 million people. She’ll do it at the Oscars.
And I kind of love that she’s giving us a look that says “I’m attached to the dude from Dude Where’s My Car, aren’t I?”
Ever since Mila Kunis pushed out the baby she made with Ashton Kutcher, they’ve both sort of kept a low profile and generally avoided the whole pimping-out-their-baby-for-publicity thing (“Ew, then what’s the point of a baby?” thought Kim Kardashian, as she prepared for her weekly pap walk with North). Even when Baby Wyatt was born, there was no UsWeekly MEET OUR MIRACLE!!! cover; they just released a bunch of pictures of newborn types and let people guess what she looked like.
But now the guessing game is over, because this is Jackie and Kelso’s baby. A couple of days ago, a fan snapped a pic of Ashton and Mila running errands with Wyatt, who appears to be dressed as Smithers dressed as Bobo the Bear, and she’s very cute. She’s got one of those faces where you probably wouldn’t mind at all if she threw up on you. And if you want a closer look at Baby Wyatt, someone recently threw up what appears to be a holiday card from The Kutcher-Kunises on Twitter:
Even with a second and third picture, I’m still having trouble trying to decide who the baby looks more like. In that first pic, she’s making the same confused face her daddy probably made when he read the reviews of Jobs, but in the second pic, she’s serving up true so over this nonsense realness like her mom during an interview. It’s too close to call!
13 months after the birth of her first baby and 13 months after becoming married to someone, People says Jennifer Love Hewitt is knocked up with her second baby. Damn, bitch is motivated! In a little over a year, she’s managed to rent her womb out twice and get hitched. Meanwhile, I’m sitting here still trying to decide what to have for lunch yesterday.
A rep for Jennifer (Max Conners, I wish) says Jennifer and her husband Brian Hallisay are “thrilled” to be expecting a second baby. That’s it, just thrilled. Frankly, I’m shocked; Jennifer Love Hewitt always struck me as an “over the moon” type. She also totally strikes me as the type to post a picture of her Clearblue pregnancy piss stick to Instagram or vajazzle the words “WE’RE EXPECTING!” over her c-section scar, but that didn’t happen either. Jennifer Love Hewitt, are you ok?
Jennifer and her husband gave their 13-month-old daughter a name soaking in 70s glamour – Autumn James – so I’m really hoping that 9 months from now, they give us glamour pt. 2 by naming their baby something like Tuesday St. Cloud or Julie Stevens or Vicki LaCroix. And if it’s a boy, it should be just a whole mess of abbreviations, like T.J. Hallisay or B.J. Hallisay or R.J.J.R. Hallisay. Then again, having two kids named after seasons is cool too. Autumn and Summer? That actually sounds like a long-lost track from Let’s Go Bang. It’s perfect!
So it begins… It was the Mayans who said (they didn’t say this) that in the year 2014, a human will mate with an alien lizard king visiting from another planet and months later she will give birth to an all-powerful baby who will take over the world and capture us all. They were right. Soon, we’re all going to be Cumberbtiches whether we like it or not.
Benedict Cumberbatch’s rep tells E! News that his fiancee of two months Sophie Hunter is carrying a cumberbaby in her womb. When asked for a comment, Oscar rival Eddie Redmayne said, “Oh yeah, oh yeah, well my WIFE is pregnant with quadruplets and we’ve already named them Oscarella, Oscarina, Oscartina and Oscarola.” Even though I’m obsessed with the Cumberbitches (does that mean I’m a Cumberbitchbitch?), I haven’t been to Tumblr yet, so I have no idea if it’s crumbled from the weight of 10,000 word posts written by his hardcore fans who think it’s sad that their God’s team is making him get engaged and make a baby just to win a trophy. Or maybe they haven’t written any posts like that, because they were too busy using their fingers to poke out their eyes after reading the worst thing they’ve ever read.
Here’s the statement from B. Cums’ rep:
“I am delighted to confirm that Benedict Cumberbatch and Sophie Hunter are expecting their first child. They are both over the moon.”
Yes, they said “over the moon,” but it doesn’t bother me. They probably went over the moon literally while traveling to his home planet to share the happy news with his subjects.
In case you missed them, here’s pictures of Sophie’s “bump” at the Palm Springs International Film Festival over the weekend.
When it was announced back in June that former child star and current Adam’s crazy hipster sister on Girls Gaby Hoffmann was knocked up with a tiny kombucha-scented vegan cronut, I knew right away that we were but months away from some potential hipster-sounding birth story foolery. Sadly, when she did finally give birth to a baby girl on November 19th, there didn’t seem to be any. No hand-carved reclaimed barn wood birthing pools filled with organic rainwater. No small-batch epidurals made from steeped sage leaves and raw honey. Even the baby’s name – Rosemary – was pretty normal.
However, she didn’t totally let me down. During the Girls Season 4 premiere on Monday, Gaby disclosed her post-baby secret to People, and just like January Jones before her, that secret is eating her placenta:
“Placenta, placenta, placenta. Just eat that shit up, and it does a girl good! I made smoothies out of it for three weeks. I had a home birth, so my midwife and my doula took it and cut it up into 20 pieces and froze it, and every day, I put it in a blender with strawberries and blueberries and guava juice and a banana, and I drank that shit up.”
I wish I was half as enthusiastic about anything as Gaby Hoffmann is about eating her placenta. I picture her in a little party hat throwing herself a placenta fiesta every morning as she dances into the kitchen and throws on the Vitamix.
I feel like I’m in no place to throw any kind of shade at Gaby for eating her birth extras, because I’ve put worse shit in my mouth. And when I say shit, I mean, literal garbage. One time I made a sandwich that was just Doritos between two slices of white bread. “One time? LOL, that’s cute” just hissed my stomach. I’ve also been known to replace milk with melted ice cream in my cereal. I’m literally at the point in my life where eating my placenta would be considered a positive lifestyle change.