Warning: Do not stare at that picture too long. DMX is so damn fertile that if you keep your eyes on that pic long enough, you may find yourself squirting out the latest member of his ever-growing child army, and no, you won’t get a child support check out of it
Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar have 19 kids and that might be it for them. But it looks like DMX’s weapon of mass procreation isn’t done shooting raw nuts at ovaries just yet and he may beat Jim Bob and Michelle’s record. 45-year-old DMX became somebody’s father for the 15th time (that he knows of) last Friday after his girlfriend Desiree Lindstrom gave birth to her first child and his latest in NYC. TMZ says that DMX and Desiree named their son Exodus Simmons (or as DMX is going to call him, “Um, which one are you again?“).
In “this has happened before and it will happen again and again and again and again” news, the Duggars are adding another member to the family tree whose branches need to be reinforced with steel beams to hold all of them up. The expression “the sky is blue” needs to be permanently replaced by “a Duggar is pregnant,” because sometimes the sky isn’t blue, but a Duggar is almost always growing a baby in her body.
Orlando Bloom and Katy Perry have been a thing since they were seen “flirting” and vaping at a Golden Globes afterparty back in January, which means they’ve been together for seven months. If regular people have the seven-year itch, then famous people have the seven-month itch. According to a statistic made up by me, seven months is usually how long it takes for a famous person to get the itch to sell their exclusive wedding pics to People or post a positive Clearblue pee stick on Instagram. It sounds like one of them has the seven-month itch, and it’s Orlando. Katy? Errr….not so much.
When Hugh Hefner’s former denture scrubber Holly Madison announced that she had finally given birth to her second baby, all I wanted to know was what she named him. He could have blasted out of her uterus screaming “Panama” by Van Halen, or cut his own umbilical cord by shooting lasers out of his tiny baby eyes, and I’d still only care about his name. Holly and her husband Pasquale Rotella named their three-year-old daughter Rainbow Aurora. I crossed my fingers for another name that sounded like a brand of holographic vinyl car wraps. Well, it’s not as bonkers as I was hoping for, but it’s pretty good.
Last night, Michael linked to some pictures of former Playboy Mansion clean-up girl Holly Madison looking beyond pregnant. It was as if she fell into some time hole and her baby instantly aged 3 years inside of her. I was starting to get worried that Holly was going to have to start shoving some early learning books up there so that her kid knows how to read when it finally emerges from her body as an adult. But I can stop worrying about such an insane situation, because Holly finally gave birth.
Jenna Jameson really needs to learn that if you want people to look at your baby bump, you really need to choose a less-distracting room to take your pregnancy selfie in. That picture is like an I Spy book page on steroids. I spy…an unmade bed…a glittery stripper heel perched on a tower of sunglasses….an arbitrary window…an electronic scale…a cow skull that looks as though it’s thinking “Jesus Jenna, would it kill you to tidy up first?”