Serena Williams and her adorable little morsel of a baby Alexis Olympia Ohanian Jr are on the cover of February’s Vogue, and inside she tells some cute stories about life with baby (Alexis has a little baby gym with dumb-bell shaped rattles) but most interestingly, she gives a harrowing account of how giving birth almost took her out.
A little over three long months ago, the loyal disciples of Chip and Joanna Gaines’ giant clocks cult cried magnolia scented tears into their Magnolia Market brand fake eucalyptus wreaths after the two announced that they were quitting their really fucking popular HGTV show Fixer Upper after 5 seasons. At the time, Chip and Joanna burped up an explanation saying that they’ve decided to end their show to focus more on their family. I took “focus more on their family” to mean that they’re going to focus on getting more $$$$ from a different network that will pay up to see them renovate a house the same damn way over and over again. But yesterday, the Gaines’ announced that she is carrying the newest member of their barn door army.
Jessica Alba and her husband Cash Warren rang in the New Year to the ear-piercing sound of crying and screaming. But unlike you or I, those sounds didn’t come from the biggest drunk at a New Year’s Eve party after they stepped in a puddle of unknown origin. Theirs was the sound of their third baby being born. People says that Jessica and Cash announced the arrival of their first son on Instagram. Hayes Alba Warren was born on December 31st.
Hayes joins Jessica and Cash’s two other kids, Honor Marie (9) and Haven Garner (6). So just like I predicted back when she announced her third pregnancy, Jessica and Cash kept the H theme going. Hayes Warren sounds like a brand of boat shoes sold exclusively at a yacht dealership. Plus it could always be worse: Jessica and Cash could have fallen victim to Hollywood baby naming conventions and spelled it wacky, like Haiyzze. But not Haze. I think we can all agree that the world only needs one Hollywood spawn named Haze.
People says that Nicky Hilton gave birth to her and her husband James Rothschild’s second daughter on Wednesday in New York City. She also confirmed the news on Twitter, and let everyone know what the new baby’s name is.
Christmas came early! On December 20th James and I welcomed a baby girl, Teddy Rothschild into the world. Feeling very blessed this holiday season.
— Nicky Rothschild (@NickyHilton) December 22, 2017
People says that her full name is Teddy Marilyn Rothschild. Nicky’s family all flew in to New York for the birth, and that Nicky and James are “so happy” to give their 17-month old daughter Lily-Grace a baby sister.
I thought Nicky’s first daughter had a fancy name, but Lily-Grace Victoria is nothing. That’s your standard rich person name. Teddy Marilyn is next-level rich. That’s the name of an old money socialite who owns most of 5th Avenue between 64th and 65th, drinks lunch every day with Buffy and Bitsy, and guesses that a loaf of bread costs $80. A quick glance at Nicky’s Instagram shows she and her husband are cat people. She and James better get New Baby Teddy used to dogs, and quick. Because there’s no way a person named Teddy Rothschild doesn’t grow up to leave all her billions to a spoiled white poodle named Madame Scrumptious.
After dragging out the suspense for three long months, Khloe Kardashian has officially announced she’s pregnant with her NBA player boyfriend Tristan Thompson’s baby. Khloe, don’t you EVER pull a stunt like that again! Every day not spent shamelessly exploiting your pregnancy for attention must have had your poor mother doubting the existence of a fame whore god.