Category: BABIES!!!

Break Out The Baby Bronzer And Newborn Spanx! Xtina Gave Birth To A Daughter!

August 17, 2014 / Posted by:

It is a great day for the makers of fake eyelashes for babies and for gold diggers who need some inspiration, because yesterday in a luxurious birthing suite in a hospital in L.A. somewhere, a baby was pulled out of Xtina’s body as her fiancé Matt Rutler did the Morristown, New Jersey “Happy” lottery winner dance and nurses prepared the rhinestone-covered staples that her doctor used to close up her C-section slit. Both People and UsWeekly say that 33-year-old Xtina gave birth to her second kid and Matt Rutler’s first. What a proud moment for Matt Rutler. I’d love to see his face beam with several layers of pride as he carefully held the membership card he got from The Gold Diggers Club for producing his first adorable ATM.

UsWeekly says that Xtina gave birth to her first daughter via C-section at Cedars-Sinai in L.A. That’s the only detail we have. The only detail any of us really care about (THAT KID’S NAME) is not known. I’m sure we’ll learn Xtina’s kid’s name when the Photoshopped-into-another-dimension pictures of her and her daughter getting their first spray-tan together come out in People in a couple of weeks. Xtina played it safe with her first kid, who’s now 6, by naming him Max. So hopefully she won’t disappoint us all again and she’ll really reach to new levels of baby name fuckery while naming her second kid.

I really hope Xtina pays tribute to her real love by naming her daughter Red Lipstick Aguilera. Better yet, I really hope Xtina throws my favorite name ever, “Concepción,” somewhere into her baby’s full name, because every time a famous whore gives birth, I always scream, “Please name it Concepción!” The world definitely needs more Concepcións in it.

I also can’t wait to see Bronzer Concepción Aguilera Rutler’s nursery, because it’s going to be a mess. This is what Max’s nursery looked like:

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To this day, Max can’t look at a banana or a crescent moon without screaming in terror, because he spent so many of his first nights praying to God to not let that terrifying, dark-sided, busted brow-having banana moon eat his innocent soul whole.

Pics: People, V Magazine

Savannah Guthrie Had A Baby

August 14, 2014 / Posted by:

Every morning, I watch Today, because staring at Matt Lauer’s smug face and Carson Daly’s unsettling wooden head and ventriloquist dummy eyeballs is the best way to start my day. On Monday, Savannah Guthrie, the grown up All American Girl Doll with the personality of a plastic spoon full of wet baking soda, checked out of Today to start her maternity leave and two days later, a human baby was pulled out of her body. 42-year-old Savannah and her husband Michael Feldman, whose age I don’t know and who in that picture is touching me weird with his eyes, are parents to a bundle of cheeks with eyes and lips. Savannah birthed out a baby girl yesterday and this morning she announced the birth of her kid on Twitter (via People). Savannah and Michael have named her Vale Guthrie Feldman. Are they Batman fans or skiers or did they just want to give future playground bullies a leg up by naming their kid a name that rhymes with “fail.”

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Vale, welcome to a world where your mom hashtags your name on Twitter three seconds after you were pulled out of her womb. Vale Guthrie Feldman sounds like the name of a white suite-wearing, greedy, fat southern billionaire villain in an 80s cartoon like Richie Rich.Vale Guthrie, I do declare!” Tbe name works for me!

Congratulations to Savannah! Congratulations to her husband! Congratulations to Al Roker, because he now has someone else to blame when he sharts on set. And condolences to Vale Guthrie Feldman, because soon she’ll have to breathe in the smugness wafting off of Matt Lauer’s face.

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Sherri Shepherd’s Surrogate Gave Birth To The Baby She Reportedly Doesn’t Want

August 5, 2014 / Posted by:

Before Sherri Shepherd’s marriage to Lamar Sally exploded (like her brain when she learned the Earth was in fact round), they agreed to hire a surrogate to bake a baby using his sperm and a donor’s egg. They tried to use one of  Sherri’s eggs but that didn’t work. When Sherri and Lamar broke up, she reportedly wrote off the unborn baby in her surrogate’s womb and made it clear she wants nothing to do with the kid. Sherri believes that Lamar is a scheming gold digger and he only wanted the baby so that he could get child support after divorcing her. Well, that precious baby is here and once the kid learns that his dad is using him as an ATM and his mom is Sherri Shepherd, he’s going to crawl back up that surrogate’s body and stay there until he turns 18. I hope that surrogate has enough room in there.

TMZ says that the surrogate carrying Sherri and Lamar’s baby gave birth to a boy in Pennsylvania today. Sherri wasn’t there, because she was too busy telling her future ex co-workers on The View that she’s about to ruin Broadway. Lamar was there during the birth of his son and a source (read: Lamar using a hospital pay phone because Sherri cut off his cell phone) says that he’s excited about getting those monthly checks being a father.

Lamar wants to raise his son by himself, but he’s still hitting Sherri up for child support. Sherri is going to fight him in court, because again, she thinks he defrauded her ass.

Well, it’s a good thing that Lamar is raising that kid. Yes, Lamar is probably a shameless grifter who might’ve tricked a lint-for-brains moron, but think of all the gold digging knowledge he’ll pass onto his son. Lamar could teach a master class in gold digging, because he overcame the odds. Dude gold diggers have to work extra hard, because it’s not like they can get knocked up with a blank check baby. Lamar had to come up with a real scheme to try to get a monthly child support check. And Lamar’s kid is going to get that knowledge for free (actually, he probably won’t, because a professional gold digger doesn’t give anything away for free).

And I wonder what Jesus, who predates everything, would say to that kid. He’d probably say, “May I be with you, because DAMN your parents are trash.”

Olivia Wilde’s Baby Peed On Her Fancy Dress While She Was Feeding Him During A Magazine Photo Shoot

August 5, 2014 / Posted by:

During a photo shoot for the September issue of Glamour magazine (via UsWeekly) Olivia Wilde’s baby son Otis Sudeikis (“I CAN’T!” – my lisp, weeping in the fetal position) started to get a case of the hungries, so she reached into her Roberto Cavalli dress, whipped out one of her leche-filled chichis, and let Otis slurp away. Because no baby book is complete without a photo of baby’s first feeding in a dirty diner booth while mommy is wearing a $2000 couture gown, she gave photographer Patrick Demarchelier the thumbs up to go ahead and take a picture, adding that they should use it in the magazine because she’s basically Olivia Wilde: Actress/Mom now:

“Being shot with Otis is so perfect because any portrait of me right now isn’t complete without my identity as a mother being a part of that. Breastfeeding is the most natural thing.”

“I don’t know, now it feels like Otis should always be on my breast. It felt like we were capturing that multifaceted woman we’ve been discussing—that we know we can be. You can be someone who is at once maternal and professional and sexy and self-possessed. [But] I mean, I certainly don’t really look like that when I’m [typically] breastfeeding. And there’s usually a diaper involved.”

Unfortunately, Otis was too busy guzzling down titty cream and daydreaming about Pat the Bunny to give a flying baby powder-scented fuck about their precious breastfeeding moment, and he pissed on her dress.

At first I was like “Oh SICK, rugrat piss!!!”, but then I realized that there’s a lot worse that can happen to couture during a photo shoot. I’m sure some designers have gotten dresses returned from photo shoots that are covered in piss, shit, coke farts, crotch butter, hair, smegma, cigarette burns, booze stains, barf, and sadness. And that’s assuming they get returned at all (*cough* LiLo *cough*).

And no word on what happened to the pissed-on dress, but last I heard Kris Jenner has offered to be its manager.

Here’s more of Olivia and Otis in Glamour. Wait, is that a full profile shot of Otis? Calling all Xander Jones truthers!

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Katie Price Is Somebody’s Mother For The Fifth Time

August 5, 2014 / Posted by:

Alternate title: Another Lucky Human Gets To Call Earth Angel Harvey Price Her “Brother.”

Katie Price’s fifth baby friend and her second daughter wasn’t supposed to check out of her Botoxed uterus (yes, she botoxed her uterus, because wrinkly wombs are gross) for another 11 days and the c-section was scheduled for August 15, but I guess that child just couldn’t wait to gaze at her mother’s exquisite “sculpted from a block of plastic” face, because she arrived early. Katie’s publicist announced through Twatter last night that she gave birth to the next bundle of adorableness that she’ll pimp out on the cover of OK! and in reality shows. Katie’s second daughter is her second kid with her cheating slut bag husband Kieran Hayler.

Katie’s spokeswhore’s tweet is under 25 words, but I still managed to scream, “JUST TELL US THE NAME,” at least 20 times while reading it. The names of Katie’s four kids are: Harvey Price, Junior Savva Andreas Andre, Princess Tiaammi Crystal Esther Andre and Jett Riviera Hayler. There’s a mixture of normal names and fucked-up names in there, and I have a feeling that she’s really going to bring the baby name fuckery with this kid. Metro says that Katie recently said that she wants to name her daughter “Electra” after Carmen Electra. Only a British orchid like Katie Price would name her kid after American orchid Carmen Electra. Personally, I hope she names her daughter Harveylina Electra Price (HEP!).

Katie let her third husband Keiran Hayler be in the delivery room with her, because she’s trying to make their marriage work. Katie was going to shove divorce papers between Keiran’s ass cheeks after she found out that he cheated on her with two of her friends. In this week’s OK! Magazine (via The Daily Mail), Katie says that Keiran is a sex addict and she’s helping him work through his addiction to puss. Katie knows that Keiran is a sex addict who will bone anything, because he cheated on her with old, ugly easy slut cows instead of with gorgeous, young, stunning, chaste flowers like her. The licensed psychologist put it like this:

“A lot of people would say he’s just a young guy who wants to sleep around, but I’ve learnt a lot through his therapy. I mean, if he’d gone for someone younger, fit body, big tits or pretty, you could at least see he cared who he was with. But two older women who are rank? But it’s because it was easy and just fed his addiction.”

Katie says she’s obsessed with knowing about the adventures of Keiran’s wandering peen and she has video of him fucking her friend in her barn on New Year’s Eve.

“I want to know every detail – when he had sex, how he had it… On New Year’s Eve I had a party here and him and Jane had sex in the barn. I’ve got it on camera because of the CCTV footage. [Kieran]’s broken down over this. And I was glad about that. I found him in the shower curled up in a little ball. He was crying his eyes out.”

Katie is so brave and so courageous for staying with Kieran. She’s an inspiration to us all. The sanctity of marriage is obviously really important to  Katie and she’s not staying with Kieran because she knows she can milk at least 5 more covers of OK! Magazine out of their shitty marriage before dumping him for husband #4. Katie and Keiran staying together is also good news for Harvey, Junior and Princess YTuMamaTambien, because they won’t have to learn ANOTHER stepfather’s first name anytime soon.

Alicia Keys Is Knocked Up Again

July 31, 2014 / Posted by:

Professional Alexis Mateo impersonator Alicia Keys posted this picture of her and her husband Swizz Beatz looking like Restoration Hardware’s version of The Heart Family to Instagram last night (via UsWeekly) to announce that he’d pumped her full of jizz beatz and she caught a case of fetus fever. Alicia captioned the photo:

What in the hell is that joorey he’s wearing around his neck? He looks like a damn Dracula.

NO! She said this:

Happy Anniversary to the love of my life @therealswizzz!! And to make it even sweeter we’ve been blessed with another angel on the way!! You make me happier than I have ever known! Here’s to many many more years of the best parts of life!

Alicia Keys and Swizz Cheese have been married for four years now and already have a 3-year-old son named Egypt Daoud Dean, so I fully expect them to bring the fuckery when it comes to naming baby number two. They picked an African country for the first name and a weird spelling of a common name for the middle, so currently my money is on Libya Maolissa if it’s a girl and Djibouti Kevoin for a boy. Or maybe they’ll stick with the Egypt theme, in which case I hope they name the baby Sphinx Ankh [symbol of a guy doing this] Mummy Dean (“Oh please oh please oh please let me help you design the nursery???”Katy Perry).

Pic: Instagram

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Kelsey Grammer Is Now The Father To Six Kids

July 24, 2014 / Posted by:

Even though Kelsey Grammer is technically old enough to start picking out lanais to which to retire to with a cold glass of unsweetened sun tea and scratching his balls all day, he’s once again putting it on hold for finding soggy Cheerios mashed into the carpet and making plastic poo sausages in the Diaper Genie. Kelsey confirmed to ET that his 34-year-old wife Kayte gave birth to his sixth child on Tuesday, a little boy they’ve named Kelsey Gabriel Elias Grammer, adding:

“Our son will be called Gabriel as there is a tradition in our family of going by our middle names. We are blessed and excited to have this lovely young man join our family — he is magnificent!”

Hands up if you read the words “he is magnificent” in the smooth baritone voice of Sideshow Bob.

Even though Kelsey has six kids, he’s really only an honorary member of the K-Fed Club. Kelsey didn’t just start popping off pepaw nuts in the past couple of years à la Kevin Federline: Kelsey also has a 2-year-old daughter with Kayte, two children with elegant Beverly Hills freesia blossom Camille Grammer, as well as two adult daughters from two previous relationships.

Congrats to virile pepaw Kelsey Grammer, congrats to his wife Kayte, and congrats to lucky baby Gabriel, who gets to hear Goodnight Moon read to him every night by the relaxing, hypnotic voice of Dr. Frasier Crane.

Kit From Crossroads Is Pregnant

July 23, 2014 / Posted by:

When Zoe Saldana showed up to the Guardians of the Galaxy premiere wearing a giant sanitary belt over her front of her dress, most people figured it was because:

A) Her stylist was trying to get fired.

Or

B) She was trying to distract our eyes from noticing that a fetus had moved into her womb.

But the second she turned to the side, all that crafty trompe l’oeil masking tape trickery was useless, and it was pretty obvious she had a case of the babies. Us Weekly says that Zoe Saldana, star of TWO of the greatest dramatic films since the invention of celluloid, Crossroads and Center Stageis pregnant with her first child. An insider claims that Zoe is three months pregnant, but will only announce it when she’s ready. Until then, I look forward to more awkward attempts at disguising her fetus pouch.

This will be the first baby for Zoe and her husband, Italian artist Marco Perego, and the source claims they’re both super excited. Personally, I’m excited to see if their baby pops out with a full head of luscious butter-colored Fabio hair like its father. I mean, obviously it will, since a luxurious shoulder-length male model mane is hereditary (#science).

So congrats to Zoe and her hot Italian husband Marco Polo! And to baby Saldana-Perego: you might want to schedule a Silkwood shower and a hep shot immediately after you exit your mom, because there’s a chance you were conceived between two train cars on the New York City subway.

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There’s Another Jersey Shore Baby Among Us

July 13, 2014 / Posted by:

So I guess God really did ignore us when during the first season of Jersey Shore, we asked him or her to please turn the Kamikaze shots they were downing into sterile juice and to not let any of them spawn. Because JWoww birthed out another cast member of TTV’s reboot of Jersey Shore in 2034. (Side note: In the future MTV will finally keep it real and change their name to Trash Television). E! News says that in a hospital in the Tri-state area somewhere, a living, breathing human baby is looking up at JWoww’s melting Thundercats Shrinky Dink face and realizing that yes, that rubber Lucky Cat creature is her mother. JWoww IS somebody’s mother.

JWoww gave birth to her first kid, a daughter, with her guido fiancé of two years Roger Matthews at 12:49 ET. Because JWoww is a fame whore at heart, she didn’t waste any time and four seconds after her daughter was pulled out of her body, she released a statement. JWoww’s statement probably came out before her Botox-infused placenta did.

“Jenni and Roger are so excited to welcome the newest guidette Meilani Alexandra Mathews to the world weighing 7lbs and 13 ounces. Meilani and her parents are doing great and are happy and healthy. Meilani is already looking to trade her baby bottle for barbells.”

I was hoping that JWoww would pay tribute to the Jersey Shore by naming her kid Karma-ella Duck Phone Matthews. Oh well.

I’ve said it before, but it’s still a miracle and mystery to me that Snooki, who’s growing a second baby in her Ewok uterus right now, has been in charge of another human for this long and hasn’t traded him in for a gallon jug of gin in a Costco parking lot. So maybe the silicone rose of the Jersey Shore and Roger won’t be the worst parents and if they are the worst parents, at least they’ll teach their kid one very important thing: always maintain a pristine and exquisite eyebrow situation. That’s really the only thing that matters.

And congratulations to JWoww, because now she can finally get the melting Tupperware bowls in her chest re-shapened and she can suck all the baby weight out of her legs since only the thighs of gross fatties touch. 

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Presenting Her Royal Reigness, Lil Kim’s Baby

July 11, 2014 / Posted by:

Around 40 years ago, the Asian Muppet and Wuzzle hybrid we know as Lil Kim was born and to celebrate her birthday, she posted a picture on her WhoSay page of what her nose looked like before dozens of de-licensed plastic surgeons hacked at it until it looked like a misshapen butternut squash made out of expired Play-Doh. Kim posted a picture of her one-month-old daughter Royal Reign (whose name still sounds like the name of a signature cocktail at a Prince-themed strip club) on the day she was born:

Thank U to all my fans #TeamLilKim #KillerBees #Beehive & friends for the Birthday love. I Love U guys so much and we will be together soon again. On my Birthday I want to share something special with U all…. The greatest gift I have ever received. My princess, Royal !!!!! This is her first picture on the day she was born. It was life changing and I want to share a small piece of my pride and joy with U on my special day today!!! Love U :) :) !!!! #HappyBirthdayLilKim #Royal #Reign #RoyalReign #TeamCancer

Babies usually split my nerves, especially brand new ones, but I think I like Royal Reign. But only because she’s throwing a museum-worthy side-eye that is saying a cross between, “You’re giving me a stripper name, aren’t you?” and “I see you already making plans while staring at your original nose on my face.”

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