Bye, Ashy, and hello, baby! Since it seems like WIG aka Kim Zolciak, Sheree Whitfield, and Kenya Moore are no more on Real Housewives of Atlanta, I was wondering how in hell they are going to fill the show since there are only so many hours one can take of NeNe Leakes saying “Bloop!” I guess Porsha Williams decided to be benevolent (and try to up her check) because she announced today she’s expecting her first baby.
There’s a lot of ways to feel like time has just ripped by you like an asshole in a Ferrari. Like realizing we’re coming up on the 20th anniversary of She’s All That (yes it’s true). My recent “How long has it been?” moment came from E! News’s announcement that Benedict Cumberbatch and his wife Sophie Hunter are expecting baby number 3. Three?! Didn’t they just have their first one? No, that was over three years ago, although I’ll admit – they work fast.
Last night, Benedict and Sophie arrived at the Emmys and Sophie was working one of her signature “Bump? What bump?” gowns. According to E!, Sophie is pregnant. Congratulations on the newest otter pup, Benedict! E! doesn’t say how far long she is, or when the baby is due.
This latest baby could definitely kill the conspiracy theory that Benedict and his wife are nothing more than a PR relationship. Come on, Cumberbitches – there’s no way that dealing with three under-5 tantrums at the same time is worth any amount of publicity.
Benedict and Sophie already have a 3-year-old son named Christopher “Kit” Carlton, and a 1-year-old son named Hal Auden. Kit and Hal are the names of famous talking robots that help humans get from A to B. If that’s their criteria for name-picking, I hope this next one is named Garmin. Damn it, someone’s got to pay tribute to that helpful GPS robot.
Finally, Claire Danes isn’t the ugliest crier in her household. According to the Associated Press, she and husband Hugh Dancy welcomed a new sobbing mess in the form of a baby boy on August 21. I think I read somewhere that newborns don’t actually produce tears and snot when they cry, but I have seen them get all red and rude, so sorry Claire, you must pass the mantle.
Claire announced her recently concluded pregnancy on The Howard Stern Show back in April. This is the couple’s second child, they have a 5-year-old son with three first names, Cyrus Michael Christopher. At the rate they’re going, the world’s supply of common European male Christian names is in peril. If you want to use the names John, William or James anytime in the near future, you better call dibs on them now before the Danes-Dancys do.
I hope Claire makes Jared Leto the Godfather of this baby and he sends her all sorts of over-the=top Gucci onesies, Dolce & Gabbana satin diapers, and a solid gold pacifier. If they make Mandy Patinkin the Godfather, I hope he gives the baby the complete works of Sondheim and a beard grooming kit. And if Hugh’s Hannibal costar Mads Mikkelsen gets the honor, then I hope he gives me his number because I just really need to talk to him. Privately. About some sex things. Sorry if I made this birth announcement weird and about me, but I have needs.
If you woke up this morning moaning, biting your pillow and holding onto your dream about being the vessel for Idris Elba‘s future children, your psychic antennas were probably tuned to the fact that the “other” James Bond, Daniel Craig, and his wife Rachel Weisz have just announced that she has given birth to a baby girl.
Just in time to make us all think twice this Friday before we grab a glass bottle of vodka to pregame a night at the bar, more details are coming out about Robin Thicke’s upcoming baby with girlfriend April Love Geary. Everyone was a little confused the other day when April announced just six months after giving birth that she was expecting again. I’m still not healed from the last time I did a leg workout six months ago (coincidentally, the last time I went to the gym). Well, we’re finding out the new Thicke baby wasn’t exactly planned – April was on birth control when she got knocked up.
Us Weekly is reporting that April announced on Instagram (she is a millennial, after all) Wednesday, “I started birth control and then one morning I woke up nauseous.” I guess they weren’t fucking around when they try to scare you in middle school by saying you can still get STDs and pregnant (honestly, some might argue pregnancy is an STD…ok, I’ll let myself out) even if you wear condoms and take birth control. The medical experts Us Weekly keeps on retainer Googled their way to the Association of Reproductive Health Professionals’ website and reminded us all that only 0.1% of women properly taking the pill still get pregnant.
People reports April also revealed some sad news during the Instagram Q&A. She suffered a miscarriage before giving birth to her and Robin’s first child, Mia. She says she wasn’t scared or stressed out and that “life happens.” Good attitude to have when a drunk stork later ignores that “Do Not Disturb” sign on your front door in the form of birth control and still delivers a baby.
Ali Wong has a bit in her Netflix special Hard Knock Wife about how women who have had human babies pulled out of their bodies should get a lot of time off from work and everything else, because it takes a while for their insides and outsides to go from “a traumatized me after watching Hereditary while sober” to a “pretty calm me after watching Hereditary while stoned.” But either Robin Thicke’s girlfriend April Geary is not like Ali Wong, or she said, “fuck it till a baby’s made,” because six months after she birthed out her porny-named daughter Mia Love Thicke, she has announced that a new fetus has moved into her baby-baking area.