If Linda Perry asked the question “What’s going on?” anytime last Saturday, the answer shouted back at her was probably “Your wife’s cervix is 4 centimeters dilated.” According to The Daily Mail, Sara Gilbert spent her Saturday birthing out the baby boy that was chilling out inside her for the past 9 months. This is Sara and Linda’s first baby together, and they’ve named him Rhodes Emilio Gilbert Perry. Sara also has two kids from a previous relationship, a 10-year-old son named Levi and a 7-year-old daughter named Sawyer.
I don’t know if Linda and Sara will refer to their baby as Rhodes or Rhodes Emilio, but I hope they go formal and refer to him as Rhodes Gilbert Perry. Rhodes Gilbert Perry sounds like the name of an old money character from a movie about a messy party slob son who inherits his father’s snobby country club. Rhodes Gilbert Perry’s best friend is Franklin Franklinton III, and they don’t understand what pizza is.
Then again, I’m sure he’s nothing like this Rhodes Gilbert Perry character I’ve invented. Baby Rhodes no doubt spent his 9 months on the inside absorbing as much cool from Mommy Linda as possible. I wouldn’t doubt you if you told me slid out of Sara’s womb wearing an infant-sized necklace out of a set of vintage bronze keys and a knit beanie while riffing on a tiny Les Paul guitar. I don’t know how he got it up there, but leave it to a cool baby to find a way.
And if you want to see what it would look like if Darlene from Roseanne tried to steal a basketball for David, here’s Sara a couple weeks ago before she gave birth:
Groot gonna be a daddy! People says that humanoid sweatpants bulge Vin Diesel busted a NOS-boosted fast and furious nut up inside his girlfriend Paloma Jiménez and now she’s knocked up with their third child. Vin and Paloma (whose name is making me hungy for a delicious honey pomelo right now) already have a 6-year-old daughter named Hania and a 4-year-old son named Vincent. Today I learned: Vin Diesel’s kids aren’t named Riptide and Turbo, like I always assumed they would be.
I don’t often get jealous of babies, since they’re always peeing their pants and I’m only sometimes peeing my pants, but I’m very very jealous of Vin’s future baby. Why? Two reasons:
1. Vin’s body is roughly 108% muscle (his body has muscles normal humans don’t have yet), which means he’ll be strong enough to carry that baby to bed well into its adult years. I am jealous of this because getting carried to bed is fun as hell.
2. After it’s carried to bed, Vin will no doubt sing his baby to sleep with that peanut butter smooth voice of his. Imagine the caliber of dreams you’d have if your lullabies were sung by a buff angel like Vin Diesel? Exactly – nothing but top-shelf dreams. God, that baby is SO lucky.
Here’s more of that lucky baby’s father at Vanity Fair’s post-Oscar party on Sunday night. I know that your eyes already got a taste of him on Monday, but here’s more, because who couldn’t use a couple more pictures of that Growly Adonis:
“Aw girl, no – you’re supposed to be hanging out on me drinking wine and watching House Hunters International!” cried Sophie B. Hawkin’s couch. Sorry couch, but it looks like you’re going to have to take a rain check. UsWeekly says that 50-year-old Sophie – singer of such super-90s songs as “As I Lay Me Down” and “Damn I Wish I Was Your Lover” (aka the song I belt out every time I see a picture of Jon Hamm going for a stroll with the Hammaconda) is going to be busy for the next 18 years because she’s currently knocked up with a baby girl. Sophie B. Pregnant!
Sophie already has a 6-year-old son named Dashiell, so the whole late-in-life mom thing isn’t exactly new to her. Plus, she’s been preparing for it – Sophie’s new baby was conceived using eggs she froze when she was 31-years-old. And according to Sophie, it’s really not going to be a big deal that she might end up getting her first hot flash in the middle of a diaper change:
“Being 50 is actually an amazing age to have a second child because I am more wise, calm, humorous, appreciative, simple and clear. I’m not running around looking for love and validation. I live each day full of gratitude, and that’s good for my children. I’ve built a community and I keep refining it.”
I’ve never been pregnant and I’ve never been 50, so I don’t know if being pregnant at 50 is a good idea or a bad idea. But if that hot bitch Sally O’Malley has taught me anything, it’s that 50-year-olds can still kick-stretch-kick and do everything a young type can. So if Sophie can still kick, stretch, kick, then it’s probably safe to assume she can also stretch, push, scream.
I didn’t know Anne Geddes was a People Magazine photographer.
Christina Aguilera is an old-fashioned kind of famous trick. She’s not going to put pictures of her new baby’s face on Instagram for free, because that’s bougie and doesn’t make sense IN THIS ECONOMY. Xtina has makeup artist bills and allowances (read: her fiance’s) to pay, so she put her baby to work and is going to get that $$$. Xtina’s second child was pulled out of her bronzer-covered womb all the way back in August, but she’s promoting the new season of The Voice so right now is the best time for her to get some promo.
Summer Rain is making a Reddit Hawk face. Either she’s really excited to learn all the details about Johnny & Amber’s island wedding or this is the exact moment when her mother whispered the words, “Your government name really is Summer Rain,” into her ear and she said “WUT?” to herself before crying over the foolery of it all.
People not only got pictures from Xtina (you can see another not as ‘Shopped picture here), but they also got words from her too:
On meeting Summer Rain for the first time: “I was speechless. She was literally like an angel … We had an immediate calm bond, and I felt unexplainably connected to her and her spirit.”
On how she’s saving money on electricity bills because Summer Rain’s smile is like a light bulb: “Her smile lights up a room and I know it melts mama and daddy’s hearts. She laughs a ton and is easy to make smile. She just wants to be where the action is!”
On doing The Voice and being a mom at the same time: “It’s definitely not easy juggling work and motherhood, as being a parent is a full-time job within itself. You just have to make it work for you. My life has so many different moving parts, but my kids are the center focal piece, and everything else shifts around them.”
I get that Xtina is one of the vanguards of the Photoshop movement and is usually Photoshopped into another dimension, but Photoshopping a baby? They Photoshopped that child so much that it almost looks like Summer Rain couldn’t make the shoot so they used the most famous star in Hollywood, the American Sniper baby, instead. What’s next? Celebrities Photoshopping the ultrasound pics of their fetus before posting it on Instagram? (“Why didn’t I think of that?!” – Kim Kartrashian)
Today is the 34th anniversary of Justin Timberlake’s born day and he thanked everyone for throwing happy birthday wishes at him by Instagramming that picture with this caption:
Thank you EVERYONE for the Bday wishes! This year, I’m getting the GREATEST GIFT EVER. CAN’T WAIT. #BoyOrGirl #YouNeverKnow #WeDontEvenKnow #WeAreTakingBets
When I first saw that picture, for about a second I thought JT was kissing on someone’s ass cheeks. I thought he was really happy about getting some ass to kiss on his for his birthday and this picture was his way of coming out as a lover of salad tossing. I expected him to announce a collaboration with Drake next. But then my one brain cell (I’m being generous) started working and I realized that it’s not a pair of nalgas he has his lips on, it’s a belly full of baby. Anyone who cares about the goings on in Jessica Biel’s womb has known for a while that she’s knocked up with a TimberFetus that will hopefully inherit its dad’s natural Ramen noodle curls. Today, Justin finally confirmed that he’s going to be a dad. If you look down at your pubes, you’ll see that one of them has turned white. That’s from finding out that Justin Timberlake is going to be a dad. We’re all old.
Poor Jessica Biel. Justin hijacked her wedding cover of People Magazine and now he leaves her face out of his baby announcement picture. Are we sure that’s even Jessica? Are we sure that’s not a bewigged Joey Fatone after a belly wax?
Shakira Pulled A Beyonce And Rented Out The Entire Floor Of A Hospital For The Birth Of Her Second Son
I’m sure some of you read the words “pulled a Beyonce” and your brain immediately pictured Shakira shopping for a Publicity’s Choice™ 3rd trimester pillow, but no – that baby bump actually has a baby in it. Well, at least it did at one time; according to The Mirror (via NY Daily News), that baby is now living on the outside and has been since about 11pm Thursday night. Congratulations, Shakira – you’re one baby closer to that all-baby football team you wanted!
Shakira and her low-budget Scott Disick-looking professional football-kicking baby daddy Gerard Piqué already have a 2-year-old son named Milan, and last night another baby boy was pulled from her body via c-section at the Quiron Teknon Hospital in Barcelona. The Mirror says Shakira’s new baby is called Sacha, but Shakira hasn’t really confirmed that yet, so it could be Sacha or it could be Santa or it could be Shakira Jr. (but it’s probably Sacha). Also, if Baby Sacha ever wants to do drag, Sacha Piqué is a super hot name.
And Baby Sacha apparently didn’t have to compete with any other babies for the title of Cutest Baby Thing on the birthing floor, because Billboard says Shakira rented out the whole floor for privacy. That, or it was because Gerard didn’t want any of those other babies looking at his his lady. Either way, congratulations on your new baby Shakira, and enjoy your empty-ass hospital! Sleep in all the beds, pee in all the toilets – really get your money’s worth.
About two weeks after I moved to NYC, I went out with some dude I met on the Internet. We went to a bar and sometime during the date, we were talking about movies and he asked me what my favorite was. I told him the usual, Showgirls and Angel. I asked him what his was and he spit out some movie called Monkey Shines. I had never heard of that shit before and he went on to tell me that it’s his favorite, because there’s a scene where Stanley Tucci is wearing nothing but a towel. I think his tip got extra moist when he said that. That opened up a can of Tucci. He went on to tell me that Stanley Tucci is his dream dude and he once dated a German guy who looked like a taller Stanley Tucci. The Tucci-a-like barely spoke English and my date barely spoke German. They had a hard time talking to each other, but they dated for over a year, because but my date just couldn’t break up with him since he looked like Stanley Tucci so much. He probably talked about Stanley Tucci for a good 20 minutes. I get it, Stanley Tucci is hot. I’d hit it until we both needed medical attention. But maybe you should want until date 2 to let me know you’re a Tuccihead. So when I read this news about Stanley Tucci being a dad again, I pictured my date from 14 years ago screaming, “It should’ve been meeeeee,” while sliding against his bedroom wall covered in shirtless Tucci pictures.
Stanley Tucci and his wife of about two years Felicity Blunt, who is a literary agent and Emily Blunt’s sister, are now parents to a boy. The Tucci Blunt baby was born on Sunday in London. This kid is Felicity Blunt’s first and Stanley’s fourth (he has 14-year-old twins and a 12-year-old daughter with his late wife Kate who died from breast cancer in 2009). Stanley’s rep gave this jokey statement to People:
“I believe he is mine. We are all thrilled to welcome him to this cold, cruel world. We are all thrilled that he is here and healthy.”
Stanley and Felicity named their son Matteo Oliver. Matteo Oliver is a normal and not-at-all crazy name, but if I was him I wouldn’t go by Matteo Oliver. I’d go by my parents’ last names, because Tucci Blunt is a way better and more glamorous name. It sounds like the name of a drag queen rapper.
And here’s Matteo Oliver’s auntie and uncle, Emily Blunt and John Kransinski, with their baby at the farmer’s market in L.A. over the weekend.
It’s been five months since Christina Aguilera asked a delivery room nurse to lube up her down lows with a silicone-based tinted foundation primer (“I want my baby’s first make-up experience to be special” she said, as she prepared the adhesive on a set of infant-sized false eyelashes) and pushed out her future Disney Channel star Summer Rain, and we finally have a picture of her. Sort of. Earlier today, Xtina introduced us to her baby with fiancé Matt Rutler by tweeting a photo of her laying on a rug. At least I assume it’s a rug: she could be scaling the side of the Shaggin’ Wagon from Dumb and Dumber or laying on the skinned corpse of the Snuggle Bear for all we know.
Since Xtina didn’t post a photo of her face, there’s not much we know about Summer Rain. But according to her embroidered diaper cover, she’s a lil’ diva (awwww, just like her mommy). She also has hair, two hands, and a foot. Maybe Xtina chose not to post a picture of her face for privacy reasons, but if I know Xtina, it’s because Summer Rain hasn’t quite mastered the art of subtle contouring and foundation application. Or maybe Summer Rain wasn’t happy with the way her mommy drew on her eyebrows and she was crawling away to find some baby wipes.
Then again, if I were Summer Rain (and I’m not, because life truly isn’t fair), I’d be hiding my face in shame if I knew I had the words Lil’ Diva written in Curlz (CURLZ!) emblazoned across my butt.
We’ll all remember where we were the moment we learned that Zooey Deschanel’s boyfriend was not, in fact, a charming come-to-life vintage scarecrow from an Etsy store called Wish & Sawdust. People says that after dating for about half a year, Zooey Deschanel and her producer boyfriend Jacob Pechenik are expecting a baby. Zooey confirmed the news by embroidering the word BABY onto a handmade bunting made from 1950s aprons and tying it to a dozen pastel balloons, which she released into the air while playing “Be My Baby” by The Ronettes on a child’s ukelele. No! She just released this statement to People:
“Jacob and I are over the moon. We are so excited to meet our little one.”
You’d think that the moon wouldn’t be quirky enough for Zooey. Then again, she didn’t specify what moon she was over. “Jacob and I over Tethys, the third moon of Saturn. It’s cool, you probably haven’t heard of it.”
Zooey says she’s expecting some time this summer, which means we’re but 6 or so months away from some next-level whimsical fuckery in the baby name department. Of course Zooey could blow our minds and name the baby something like Jenny or Steve, but survey says it will probably be verrrrryyyyy precious. If it’s a girl, my guesses are: Sugar Ribbon, Eyelash Giggles, Bluebird Bicyclette, or Waffles. And if it’s a boy, my guesses are Skipper Jones, Jooey Canoe, Peter Pan, or Tooter. Or just the sound of Zooey singing Christmas songs.
Grand master STUNT QUEEN Beyonce squirted up this picture on Instagram today and it’s got a lot of hos wondering if in a few months, the ground of the planet will once again be blessed by the toes of another deity. Beyonce didn’t put up a caption with this picture, because if threw up something like #JustStuntinAsUsual, her sand baby bump wouldn’t become a #1 trending topic on Twitter in all countries and every major news outlet wouldn’t break into their regularly scheduled programming to discuss this very important global news!
What does it all mean?! Is Beyonce letting everyone know that she really is the troll of all trolls by giving birth to a giant, sandy stunt on Instagram? Or are we about to get a second performance from her Tempur-Pedic pillow bump and months and months of surrogate rumors? Who knows! But if this is Beyonce’s way of announcing that she’s got a CASE OF THE BABIES, then I guess she’s also announcing that she’s got one tit and elephantitis of the shoulder.
Personally, I think Beyonce is just taking the attention away from Jesus on his day and is giving the Beyhive something to rabidly buzz over. I don’t think Beyonce would announce that she’s knocked up the same way your old high school friend would announce their pregnancy on Facebook. I refuse to believe that Beyonce would announce that she’s knocked up without a full crew, a team of choreographers, costume changes and a six figure budget.
If she and Jay-Z really are expecting another baby that they’ll probably name Fuchsia Fern Carter, then we’ll really know. When they’re about to announce the winner of the last award at the Golden Globes tonight, the lights will flicker, the room will shake, the ceiling will open up and Beyonce will descend from the sky with a gold-painted bump while dancers dressed like gold storks spell out the words “It’s A BeyBy” with letter sparklers. No, the Golden Globes is ONLY watched by 20 million people. She’ll do it at the Oscars.