Six months have passed since Miranda Kerr married Snapchat billionaire Evan Spiegel in a shamefully understated ceremony for a billionaire. Miranda and Evan admitted they were waiting to have sex with each other until after they were hitched. For anyone who needed confirmation that it actually happened, here you go: Miranda is pregnant.
Kim Kardashian has a lot of balls in the air right now. She’s got a smell coming out (KKW Crystal Gardenia), she’s got a shopping app in the works and on top of all that she’s got a human child growing in a surrogate that’s about to be born! Kim says they used a surrogate for their third, because she had medical issues with her first two, and she told Entertainment Tonight that deciding to use a surrogate for her latest product launch has turned out to be harder than she thought it would be.
Hot on the heels of the birth of his surrogate-carried twins, Cristiano Ronaldo’s fourth child has been born. I’m sure Cristiano was thrilled to be where the action was on the day of his latest child’s birth. But you know just a tiny part of his soul withered and died when they asked him to cover up his Ken doll hair situation with that deeply unsexy paper shower cap.
32-year-old Cristiano announced on Twitter that his 22-year-old girlfriend Georgina Rodriguez gave birth to a baby girl they named Alana Martina Ronaldo. Cristiano tweeted that mama and baby are doing well, and they’re all very happy. Yeah, especially Georgina. Cristiano isn’t just football rich; he’s got hush money money. In the event Georgina and Cristiano ever break up, she’s set for life. When she deposits her first child support check, the ATM will start flashing and shout: “GOAAAALLLLL.”
Baby Alana Martina joins Cristiano’s other kids, surrogate-carried 7-year-old son Cristiano Jr., and 5-month-old twins Eva and Mateo. Now Cristiano is but seven players away from his own football team. If he keeps at it, he’s going to have a whole team, plus substitutes, referees, and several ball boys by 2021.
Hollywood is currently in the middle of a big, uncomfortable, but completely necessary, conversation about workplace sexual harassment and assault. Alec Baldwin was honored at the Paley Center for Media last night, and he did a little talking of his own by coming straight out and exposing his own sexist skeletons. I don’t know if he was trying to get ahead of any possible accusations or what. But I’m sure your publicist thanks you for being so open, Alec.
I will do everything in my power not to make a My Name is Exhausted joke. People magazine says that 40-year-old Jaime Pressly is now the mother of two twin boys. Jaime announced her pregnancy in the summer and said that she and her 39-year-old boyfriend Hamzi Hijazi were expecting twins, but she didn’t do IVF to get pregnant. Well, surprise, sperm and eggs work in magical ways, and now she’s got two new babies that were born last week.
Billy Joel’s 68-year-old sperm should be retired and spending their days rocking on a wooden chair on the porch inside his balls, but they’re working just as hard as ever. Billy casually spilled the new baby beans during a recent interview with the Belfast Telegraph. While chilling in Billy’s vintage bike shop, his very-pregnant 35-year-old fourth wife Alexis Roderick walked in with their 2-year-old daughter Della Rose.
Billy announced their arrival by saying, “That’s my wife. We are due next month.” This will be Billy Joel’s third kid after Della and Alexa Ray Joel, his 31-year-old daughter with Christie Brinkley.
But what if Billy wants to take a seniors nap at the same time as his new baby? Babies can be fussy about falling asleep. Luckily Billy already has that covered. I recently rented a car that had SiriusXM (fancy) and the person before me had it programmed to the Billy Joel channel. The channel is just Billy muttering about whatever while tooling around at the piano. It’s like liquid Ambien for the ears. I had to turn it off before I rear-ended a car. Whenever his new baby gets restless, he can just close the blinds and flip on his Sirius channel, and they’ll both be out like a light.