Kate Upton‘s magnificent chichis are about to become even more magnificent, because she’s pregnant with her first child. The Sports Illustrated Swimsuit model and person I always confuse for that hot messy mess Estella Warren, has confirmed via Instagram that she is indeed knocked up.
Kate’s husband of eight months, Houston Astro pitcher Justin Verlander will be the chosen man hitting a Jack In The Box at 3AM for disgusting Monster Tacos cravings, which will serve as a good test run for future 3AM zombie crawls down their mansion’s hallways to change the baby’s diaper and beg, cry and plead for it to go back to sleep.
E! News offers this opposite of juicy tidbit on said timing of the future chichi sucker’s arrival:
Upton and Verlander got married got married in Italy last November, days after his team won the 2017 MLB World Series.
Upton may have hinted at her pregnancy back in April, when she posted on Instagram a shadowy photo of herself posing in the desert on a trip to Israel, writing, “You’ll find out soon enough.”
I’m no mathematician, but my finger counting puts the little cry machine here around the end of this year. Kate and Jason strike me as one shade of bland beyond boring of a couple, so unless Kate decides to call out any more skeezy old men for being perverts, we sadly probably can’t expect much more salacious news until junior arrives. Until then, I’m sure everyone will be on Titty Watch 2018.
After much initial secrecy, a dramatic live TV pregnancy reveal, and a half-naked Rolling Stone cover, the day has finally come. Cardi B and her not-so-secret husband Offset are parents of a baby girl. TMZ says it happened last night at an Atlanta, Georgia hospital. They don’t say what the birth was like, so it’s up to me to interpret what happened. And of course I’m picturing the hospital halls being filled with the sounds Cardi busting out some Lamaze-style breathing techniques mixed with vocal trills, while Offset shouts random ad-libs like “Baby,” “Crowning,” and “That’s a lotta goo.”
This is 25-year-old Cardi’s first child, while 26-year-old Offset also has two sons, Jordan and Kody, and a daughter Kalea from previous relationships. Cardi confirmed the news herself on Instagram with picture from what appears to be Beyoncé’s pregnancy photo shoot (minus the clothing budget), and let everyone know the baby’s birth date and the baby’s name. Please welcome to the world, little Kulture Kiari Cephus.
To decode that name a little, Kiari is is Offset’s first name and Cephus is his last name (Kiari Kendrell Cephus). Kulture is…who even knows. It could be Cardi’s way of paying homage to Offset’s rap group Migos, whose second and third album were titled Culture and Culture II. Or maybe it’s not even pronounced like culture, but Koal-tyure, like couture. Nope, it’s probably just straight-up Kulture. Whatever the reason or pronunciation behind it, you know the Kardashians are mad as hell and have already spoken to their lawyers. There goes the perfect name for a yogurt brand launch, and just think of the tasteless, semen-y looking ad campaign that could have been.
Serena Williams is called the G.O.A.T. for a reason, and it wouldn’t shock me at all to see her fifty years from now beating someone half her age on the court from the comfort of her Jazzy scooter. That might not happen, and not because scooters will be replaced in the future by a robot called the GRANN-E that carries the elderly around. Serena revealed to InStyle that she gets pregnant again, there’s a possibility she’ll retire from tennis.
Approximately five seconds ago, it was reported here that Glamazon Dominatrix Goddess of the 1980’s to infinity Brigette Nielsen was pregnant with her fifth child at age 54. Well, bless her golden heart, Gitte is one celebrity that did not make us wait 10 months for a birth announcement, because baby Frida is here!
People.com reports that Gitte and her spunky Italian husband of 12 years, 39-year-old Mattia Dessi, welcomed their 5 pound 9 ounce baby girl on Friday in Los Angeles. Gitte’s first daughter joins her hot four adult sons. One of her sons is the half-brother of Brittny Gastineau. Oh, Brittny without an “E“, you were so close to being the Kim Kartrashian of our time.
It seems like with some pregnant celebrities after they give birth, you think, “Huh? Didn’t they just get knocked up?” Eva Longoria is not that type of pregnant celebrity. Every time I saw a picture of her, she looked like she was about to hit up Home Depot to see what kind of steel supports it would take to stabilize her lower back. She doesn’t have to worry about that anymore, because at long last, 43-year-old Eva has given birth.
According to People, Eva’s 6-pound baby son was born yesterday at Cedars-Sinai Hospital in Los Angeles. This is the first baby for Eva, and the fourth child for her husband of two years, 50-year-old José “Pepe” Bastón (he has three children from a previous marriage). They confirmed the news by releasing the first picture of their new baby Santiago Enrique Bastón to HOLA! USA. On the same day she gave birth? Don’t ever doubt the work ethic of Eva’s publicist.
WORLD EXCLUSIVE! Say hola to #EvaLongoria’s son Santiago Enrique Bastón! 💙 ¡Eva Longoria ya es mamá! 🙌🏻 En exclusiva mundial para #HOLAUSA Eva comparte la primera foto de su bebé. Todos los detalles en nuestra web. Link en bio y stories. #itsaboy #congrats #babynews #socute #PepeBastón Foto: @usahola
Santiago was born just five days after Eva said goodbye to her 15-year-old first baby, her dog Jinxy. I never thought Eva would honor the memory of her doggy by naming her new son Jinxy, if only because I’m pretty sure a name like that pigeonholes you into a life of clip-in hair sales. And Eva already has the biggest clip-in hair expert in her life.
Here’s some more of Eva just three days before she gave birth.
A new Tucci has arrived! Stanley Tucci and his wife Felicity Blunt, welcomed their second child together a couple of months ago. They had a girl named Emilia Giovanna, born April 19th. Stanley has three other kids from a previous marriage (he was widowed in 2009). Felicity is a literary agent and Emily Blunt‘s sister. Stanley actually has a lot in common with babies. He’s short, bald, and a lot of women would probably let him stick his head in their vagina.
The last time Stanley and Felicity made a baby together, they had jokes for People magazine. When their son Matteo Oliver was born in 2015, Tucci said “I believe he is mine. We are all thrilled to welcome him to this cold, cruel world.” In keeping with family tradition, Stanley came up with a new wisecrack for People to mark Emilia’s arrival.
“Hopefully she will have the looks and brains of her mother and one of my better personalities,” Tucci, 57, jokes to PEOPLE of his new baby girl.
I like it. If you are going to live in the rarefied air of a celebrity family, you might as well have a little fun with it. In fact, he should retroactively give his other kids People birth announcement jokes. He’s got 18-year-old twins, he could call People and be all “I am proud to finally announce the arrival of Nicolo and Isabel. I guess they took a wrong turn at the fallopian tube because these babies are huge! One of them even has a beard”. Ok, that was pretty sweaty. God, I hope Felicity, doesn’t read this post. Otherwise I can kiss my dreams of a book deal goodbye. I should really leave making babies, and making jokes about making babies, to the professionals.