Nick Cannon became a father for the third time yesterday when his one-time piece, former Miss Arizona USA Brittany Bell, gave birth to their baby boy. Nick’s twins with Mariah Carey are named Moroccan and Monroe, so I thought that maybe he’d keep with the “Mo” theme and name his third child MONAY. Nick didn’t do that, but he did name his son after a currency, sort of.
When 53-year-old David Cross and 33-year-old Amber Tamblyn first announced that they were expecting a baby, they did it in a serious way. Amber slipped the news into a super-serious, pro-Hillary Clinton essay she wrote for Glamour magazine. Amber recently had their baby and instead of getting serious, they announced the news in a funnier way. Specifically by making a joke about their daughter’s “name.”
That name is obviously fake, because Amber is best friends with Blake Lively. At least four of those eight random words are on Blake’s fancy-sounding future baby names list, and Amber would never steal that many names from her friend. Sure, maybe Mustard was changed from the more elegant Moutarde, but the general idea is still there. Members of the sisterhood of the traveling pants would never.
Although, this is a Hollywood baby born to two wacky hipster parents, which means there is a chance that baby is actually named Dauphinoise Petunia Brittany Scheherazade Von Funkinstein Mustard Witch RBG Cross Tamblyn-Bey Jr. (“Noisey for short!“). If so, the nurse on duty probably didn’t even bat an eye when she filled out their birth certificate. Nurses for famous people have seen it all.
I’ve admitted this several times, but I watch all four hours of Today every weekday, because I am grandma. I may be your grandma, but don’t expect me to mail you a crisp $5 bill for your birthday every year.
Anyway, Hoda Kotb hosts the fourth hour with drunk Christian nightingale Kathie Lee Gifford, but for a little while now, she’s been MIA. When it was reported that Megyn Kelly is joining Today and Tamron Hall is leaving, there was a rumor that NBC is trying to become the next Fox News. So I prepared myself for the moment when the fourth hour would open with Kathie Mess Gifford saying, “Please say goodbye to Hoda Woman and welcome my new co-host…Elisabeth Hasselbeck!” But thankfully, Hoda is taking time off because she’s a new mom.
And in the bathroom at People magazine’s offices, a bunch of editors and publicists are all sitting on the floor and sharing a giant bowl of uncooked cookie dough while silently weeping over the fact that George and Amal Clooney have completely rejected them and gave the news of their unborn twins to somebody else. I am 2,700 miles away from People’s headquarters, but if I listen closely, I can hear the song All By Myself blaring from their office speakers. Scooped by The Fucking Talk!
Last month, a Lebanese newspaper reported that family sources told them that growing in Amal’s womb are a double set of Clooneys. They got it right and on today’s episode of The Talk, Julie Chen confirmed it. All of us should make sure that our end-of-the-world bunkers are fully stocked with the three essential Ps (porn, Pinot and pork rinds), because 55-year-old George Clooney is going to be a father to twins. 39-year-old Amal is due this June.
— The Talk (@TheTalkCBS) February 9, 2017
Beyonce is having twins. Madonna adopted twins. Pharrell Williams’ wife gave birth to triplets. Multiples are so NOW. There must be something in the water (and that something may be IVF.) Every hospital nursery in the Calabasas area better go on high alert. Because Pimp Mama Kris may try to outdo everyone and will troll nurseries for four newborns who can fit up into one of her hos.
And here’s pictures from late last month of Amal throwing a “Get ready for bump watch, bitches” look at the paparazzi while leaving LAX.
Well what do you know. It turns out Madonna was actually snooping around Malawi for a new set of kids to bring into her life.
Reuters reports that this morning, Malawi’s high court approved Madonna’s request to adopt four-year-old twin girls, Esther and Stella Mwalea. A spokesperson for Malawi’s judiciary says that Madonna was in the courtroom Tuesday when the decision was made. Esther and Stella have reportedly been living together in a Malawi orphanage for two years. The Daily Mail seems to think Madonna and Esther and Stella will all leave for New York within the next 24 hours on a private jet.
On Saturday, 38-year-old Chelsea Peretti (Gina Linetti from Brooklyn Nine-Nine) announced that she’s pregnant in a pretty obvious way. Chelsea Instagrammed a picture of herself looking several months knocked up with a baby she made with her 37-year-old husband Jordan Peele. She captioned the photo: “beyonce schmonce.” It was very kind of Chelsea to give Beyonce many days worth of baby announcement attention before yanking the spotlight away like that.
Chelsea has also been hiding her pregnancy for the past couple months and probably because she’s private like that. When Chelsea and Jordan got married earlier last year, they did it in secret and their only witness was their dog.
This will be both Chelsea and Jordan’s first kid. The pun-loving middle-aged mom in me really wants to make a joke about how they should totally name their baby Orange. But really, Orange Peele sounds like a perfect name for a Florida drag queen, and that automatically classifies it as a good name.
Chelsea Peretti’s pregnancy announcement does more than just let people know she’s knocked up; it also shows that she’s absolutely nothing like her character on Brooklyn Nine-Nine. If Gina Linetti wanted to let everyone know she was pregnant, she too would have referenced Beyonce. But it wouldn’t have been via a two-word selfie caption. She would have recreated Beyonce’s pregnancy shoot by having Scully and Hitchcock take a red car from the impound lot and stuff it full of parking tickets folded into flowers.