Marion Cotillard’s rep has confirmed to People that she has given birth to the baby she has been pregnant with over the last several rumor-filled months. If real life was a soap opera (I wish), then this would be where the tense music would start playing and we’d dramatically zoom-in on Brad Pitt’s face to really capture the exaggerated fear in his eyes.
41-year-old Marion’s new baby is a little girl, but we don’t know its name or anything like that. It’s her second kid with her 43-year-old French actor/director partner of around 10 years Guillaume Canet. They already have a 5-year-old son named Marcel.
So obviously Marion’s pregnancy was filled with drama. Marion and Brad’s press tour for Allied became more awkward than their sex scenes after it was rumored Brad’s marriage to Angelina Jolie ended after she discovered he was cheating on her with Marion. The rumors went into overdrive after Marion announced she was knocked up. Marion denied it and both she and Guillaume told everyone to shut up about it.
Still, I’m sure there are still a whole lot of people calling up Maury Povich today and telling him to prep a paternity test. As if they need to do that! I’m willing to bet the MBTs (Marion Baby Truthers) have already come up with a comprehensive visual system to identify whether the baby was made by Guillaume or Brad. For example, if the baby is seen wearing a striped shirt and a tiny beret, has a little moustache, and is clutching a croissant stuffed with macarons, then it’s obvious who the daddy is. Duh, it’s Brad! You can’t tell the MBTs any different.
I really want to talk about how that loose off-white turtleneck makes Chad Michael Murray look like an unenthusiastic uncut penis. But not what we’re going to talk about today.
Chad Michael Murray announced earlier today on Instagram that his wife Sarah Roemer gave birth to their second child, a little girl. If this news is giving you a case of déjà vu, that might be because you’re thinking of the last time Chad talked about babies. Last month, Chad explained that he was missing from Netflix’s Gilmore Girls revival because he was too busy becoming a dad for the first time. Chad announced his latest baby news with the standard tiny-hand-holding-adult-hand pic.
Chad and Sarah have never released the name of their almost two-year-old son. So they’re probably not going to release the name of their new baby girl either. That’s probably because they’re private like that and want to keep some things a secret. Or maybe it’s because the names they picked out are just too normal for the children of a semi-famous actor. And they’re not saying anything, because Chad and his wife are scared they might get dropped by their agents and blacklisted from Hollywood if anyone found out they didn’t try super hard with their kids’ names. “What are those? Birth certificates? Those are obvious fakes. Those don’t belong to my children. I mean, who are Kevin and Stephanie? My kids are named…uh…Monstertruxx Daggyr and Soulstiss Quartz.”
It really is the era of multiples! (I’m talking about babies and sadly not talking about the return of Sandra Garratt’s Multiples clothing line.) Pharrell Williams’ wife had triplets, Madonna adopted twins, Beyonce and Amal Clooney are both having twins, and now The Sun is saying that a leased baby oven is carrying Cristiano Ronaldo’s twin boys. Congratulations to the makers of the ab roller for newborns, tanning oil for babies and brow waxing kits for kids, because they are about to get two more loyal clients.
Finally, a story about a famous person and their spawn that doesn’t involve a custody fight or pulling the curtain back on their absentee ways. This one is actually nice. Back in October, we found out that David Arquette was going to be a daddy for the third time. Yesterday, David announced on Instagram that his wife Christina Arquette spent International Women’s Day doing an extremely woman-ish thing, which was giving birth to a baby.
Tori Spelling and Dean McDermott are now the parents of five children. It’s the ciiiiiiircle of liiiiiiife!…if the circle of life involved two questionably-employed people who pop out kids like bill-evading rabbits. Tori and The Deaner’s rep tells People that their new baby, Beau Dean McDermott, was born at 1:48pm yesterday, weighed 5lbs, 10oz, and measured 18
dollar signs inches long. Tori also announced the news on Twitter later in the evening with the typical black-and-white baby hands photo.
We are so excited to announce the birth of the newest member of the McDermott family! Please join us in welcoming Beau Dean McDermott. pic.twitter.com/xPCK25cBHV
— Tori Spelling (@Tori_Spelling) March 3, 2017
Baby Beau joins Tori and Dean’s other kids, Liam (9), Stella (8), Hattie (5), and Finn (4). Dean also has an 18-year-old son from his ex-wife Mary Jo Eustace, who is currently chasing him down for child support payments.
Obviously, the thing I wish the most about this situation is that The Deaner had released his own birth announcement. Why he didn’t, well – my guess is he couldn’t be reached for comment because he was out roaming the hospital hallways trying to bum a celebratory cigarette. At the very least, I hope he was the one to inform Candy Spelling of her newest grandchild.
“What’s crappening, Cotton Candy? It’s your favorite son-in-law coming at you with some good-ass news mama. No, I didn’t get a job. We had another kid! His name is Beau. And just like his name, lemme tell ya – going from four to five checks every month is gonna be b-e-a-utiful. But really, when can we expect that first check? Daddy needs brewskis!”
Not that she needed to. I doubt anyone has been confusing her stomach situation with pizza bloat. But clearly Cheryl (formerly Cheryl Tweedy Cole Fernandez-Versini) was waiting for the right time and place to officially debut the fetus put inside her by One Direction’s Liam Payne. And that right place just so happened to be in a L’Oreal commercial.