And today I learned that Jessica Paré’s baby daddy John Kastner sort of looks like what you’d get if that sneaky snake Pete Campbell got Don Draper hooked on peyote and abandoned him at a spiritual retreat in the desert during a SCDP business trip. Oh shit, did I just spoil the ending to Man Men for myself?
But back to Megan from Mad Men. For those of you thinking “Wait, Megan from Mad Men was pregnant?” – yes she was, and yesterday her boyfriend posted a picture of his 8-year-old daughter holding the baby they made together to Instagram with the caption:
“Please meet Blues Anthony Paré Kastner…“
This is Jessica’s first kid and John’s second.
Jessica and John (born name: Jean-Guy) are both French Canadian, so I’m personally shocked that they didn’t name their new baby something ultra-Québécois. I’m barely 1/16th French Canadian, but every time I think about naming something like a fish or a plant, my mind immediately goes to Céline or Étienne or Jean-Luc Guy de la Guy. But Blues is fine, I guess. Also if you switch his names around, you get Tony Blues, which sounds like the name of a street tough in a movie about 1950s denim gangs, and let’s be honest – that’s a pretty cool nickname.
And maybe if Baby Blues is lucky, his first stop on his way home from the hospital will be to visit mommy’s hot pretend husband Jon Hamm. Is it weird that I just wished I could pull a Freaky Friday with a baby?
Jude Law can now show people with his whole hand how many he children he has. Ironically, that hand gesture also doubles as a warning, as in – Jude Law, stop fathering so many damn kids, five is enough. Back in October, news rang out that virile daddy Jude Law had knocked up his one-time piece Catherine Harding with his fifth kid, and now People says that baby is finally here. Jude’s rep released a statement to People yesterday about Jude’s newest kid, a little girl, and it sounds like someone clearly didn’t complete their six-week PR correspondence course, because she never mentions whether or not her client is “over the moon” about her:
“I can confirm the arrival of Jude Law and Catherine Harding’s daughter. Both are delighted and continue to ask that their privacy and that of their child be respected.”
No word on what the baby’s name is, but if the names of Jude’s other four kids (Rafferty, Iris, Rudy, Sophia) are any indication, baby number 5 has an 75% chance of being named something very fancy and British-sounding. My guess is either Imogen or Cressida or Tea Biscuit Poppy Petal, but that last one only counts if Jude has access to a copy of The Bob Geldof Book of Baby Names.
Now let’s start the countdown to the next announcement from Jude Law’s PR person that Jude Law has knocked up another random one-night-stand. “Yeah, they might want to just start using a form letter” agreed his overactive sperm.
A few weeks ago, I was at the authentic Chinese gourmet emporium P.F. Chang’s and a dad was complaining to the server about how there’s nowhere in the men’s bathroom for him to change his baby. Dude was ranting about how he had to change his kid’s diaper on the dirty floor and if he did it on a table out in the open, he’d probably be arrested. So dramatic! Nobody would’ve called the cops. They wouldn’t have had time to call the cops, because the entire restaurant would have had to be evacuated after all of us puked up our insides from watching him change his baby’s dirty diaper while trying to enjoy some Beef á la Sichuan.
Well, new dad Ashton Kutcher feels that dude’s plight and is using his celebrity to bring on change and demand that every men’s bathroom have a place to clean up his kid’s piss and shit.
Ashton is sick of strolling into a bathroom with his baby daughter Wyatt and saying, “Dude, where’s the changing station?” Ashton doesn’t understand why women’s and family bathrooms have places to change diapers, but men’s bathrooms don’t. (Side note: I once went into a men’s bathroom and the diaper changing station was being used as a place for dudes to keep their drinks as they pissed. A changing station and a bar!) Ashton went on Facebook to announce his new mission and said that he will fart up a shout to the first men’s restroom he goes into that has a place to change diapers. The challenge has been thrown down!
I’m not sure how one Facebook shout out from Ashton will lead to worldwide change, but whatever, he’s fighting the good fight. I’m sure Justin Bieber will soon join the fight with Ashton, because it’s always a drag when he’s out partying with his bros and there’s no place for them to change his diaper after he gets the coke shits.
And here’s Ashton taking his kid for a hike in L.A. yesterday.
Earlier today, a picture from Twitter of Cate Blanchett holding a baby at Sydney Airport made the rounds. I really didn’t think anything of it, because that baby could’ve been the kid of a friend or relative, or maybe Cate rented that child so she could be the first person in First Class to get on that plane. But after Women’s Weekly said that 45-year-old Cate and her 49-year-old husband of 17 years, Andrew Upton, adopted a baby girl, her rep confirmed that they added another kid to their family 5. You’re going to need to take the rest of the day off to read the statement from Cate’s publicist, because it is longer than a Kanye rant and is filled with too many details:
She and her husband, Andrew Upton, have adopted a girl, E! News confirms. A rep for Blanchett tells E! News, “The Upton family [Cate Blanchett and Andrew Upton] have adopted a baby girl. No further details will be provided.”
Cate’s rep didn’t spit up the name of her new baby friend, but Women’s Weekly says the little girl’s name is Vivienne. I don’t know if I believe that Cate and her husband named their new kid Vivienne. Their sons’ names are: Dashiell (he’s 13), Roman (he’s 10) and Ignatius (he’s 6). Those sound like the names of fancy characters in fancy literary masterpieces. So I’m guessing that Cate and Andrew kept with that theme by naming their daughter either Bella Swan or Lucky Santangelo.
UPDATE: Cate’s publicist tells E! that they’ve named their daughter Edith Vivian Patricia Upton. That sounds like the name of a Downton Abbey character, so it totally fits in with the names of Cate’s other kids.
Here’s Cate doing an impersonation of Renee Zellweger’s old face outside of Jimmy Kimmel Live! earlier this week.
After what felt like a 16-month pregnancy, Carrie Underwood has finally given birth to the baby put inside her by her Canadian hockey husband Mike Fisher. Carrie announced the news that she gave birth to a baby boy on Instagram by posting a picture of a tiny baby hand with the caption: “Tiny hands and tiny feet…God has blessed us with an amazing gift! Isaiah Michael Fisher – born on February 27. Welcome to the world, sweet angel!”
I’m guessing she’s saving a real picture of her baby for whatever magazine cover she lands on proclaiming MY BABY JOY or MEET MY MIRACLE as her baby makes a confused “what is happening?” face.
Carrie is both a famous type and a country girl, and Mike is a famous type hockey dude, so I even though I didn’t really care one way or another, I just assumed they’d name their baby something like Waylon Windchimes Gordie. But they went with Isaiah Michael, which is surprisingly normal and boring for two famous types. Eh, good for them – I suppose not every baby that falls out of a famous vagina has to be a Sporaticus Alphonsé or a Parsley Williamsburg Turntable.
If Linda Perry asked the question “What’s going on?” anytime last Saturday, the answer shouted back at her was probably “Your wife’s cervix is 4 centimeters dilated.” According to The Daily Mail, Sara Gilbert spent her Saturday birthing out the baby boy that was chilling out inside her for the past 9 months. This is Sara and Linda’s first baby together, and they’ve named him Rhodes Emilio Gilbert Perry. Sara also has two kids from a previous relationship, a 10-year-old son named Levi and a 7-year-old daughter named Sawyer.
I don’t know if Linda and Sara will refer to their baby as Rhodes or Rhodes Emilio, but I hope they go formal and refer to him as Rhodes Gilbert Perry. Rhodes Gilbert Perry sounds like the name of an old money character from a movie about a messy party slob son who inherits his father’s snobby country club. Rhodes Gilbert Perry’s best friend is Franklin Franklinton III, and they don’t understand what pizza is.
Then again, I’m sure he’s nothing like this Rhodes Gilbert Perry character I’ve invented. Baby Rhodes no doubt spent his 9 months on the inside absorbing as much cool from Mommy Linda as possible. I wouldn’t doubt you if you told me slid out of Sara’s womb wearing an infant-sized necklace out of a set of vintage bronze keys and a knit beanie while riffing on a tiny Les Paul guitar. I don’t know how he got it up there, but leave it to a cool baby to find a way.
And if you want to see what it would look like if Darlene from Roseanne tried to steal a basketball for David, here’s Sara a couple weeks ago before she gave birth:
Groot gonna be a daddy! People says that humanoid sweatpants bulge Vin Diesel busted a NOS-boosted fast and furious nut up inside his girlfriend Paloma Jiménez and now she’s knocked up with their third child. Vin and Paloma (whose name is making me hungy for a delicious honey pomelo right now) already have a 6-year-old daughter named Hania and a 4-year-old son named Vincent. Today I learned: Vin Diesel’s kids aren’t named Riptide and Turbo, like I always assumed they would be.
I don’t often get jealous of babies, since they’re always peeing their pants and I’m only sometimes peeing my pants, but I’m very very jealous of Vin’s future baby. Why? Two reasons:
1. Vin’s body is roughly 108% muscle (his body has muscles normal humans don’t have yet), which means he’ll be strong enough to carry that baby to bed well into its adult years. I am jealous of this because getting carried to bed is fun as hell.
2. After it’s carried to bed, Vin will no doubt sing his baby to sleep with that peanut butter smooth voice of his. Imagine the caliber of dreams you’d have if your lullabies were sung by a buff angel like Vin Diesel? Exactly – nothing but top-shelf dreams. God, that baby is SO lucky.
Here’s more of that lucky baby’s father at Vanity Fair’s post-Oscar party on Sunday night. I know that your eyes already got a taste of him on Monday, but here’s more, because who couldn’t use a couple more pictures of that Growly Adonis:
“Aw girl, no – you’re supposed to be hanging out on me drinking wine and watching House Hunters International!” cried Sophie B. Hawkin’s couch. Sorry couch, but it looks like you’re going to have to take a rain check. UsWeekly says that 50-year-old Sophie – singer of such super-90s songs as “As I Lay Me Down” and “Damn I Wish I Was Your Lover” (aka the song I belt out every time I see a picture of Jon Hamm going for a stroll with the Hammaconda) is going to be busy for the next 18 years because she’s currently knocked up with a baby girl. Sophie B. Pregnant!
Sophie already has a 6-year-old son named Dashiell, so the whole late-in-life mom thing isn’t exactly new to her. Plus, she’s been preparing for it – Sophie’s new baby was conceived using eggs she froze when she was 31-years-old. And according to Sophie, it’s really not going to be a big deal that she might end up getting her first hot flash in the middle of a diaper change:
“Being 50 is actually an amazing age to have a second child because I am more wise, calm, humorous, appreciative, simple and clear. I’m not running around looking for love and validation. I live each day full of gratitude, and that’s good for my children. I’ve built a community and I keep refining it.”
I’ve never been pregnant and I’ve never been 50, so I don’t know if being pregnant at 50 is a good idea or a bad idea. But if that hot bitch Sally O’Malley has taught me anything, it’s that 50-year-olds can still kick-stretch-kick and do everything a young type can. So if Sophie can still kick, stretch, kick, then it’s probably safe to assume she can also stretch, push, scream.
I didn’t know Anne Geddes was a People Magazine photographer.
Christina Aguilera is an old-fashioned kind of famous trick. She’s not going to put pictures of her new baby’s face on Instagram for free, because that’s bougie and doesn’t make sense IN THIS ECONOMY. Xtina has makeup artist bills and allowances (read: her fiance’s) to pay, so she put her baby to work and is going to get that $$$. Xtina’s second child was pulled out of her bronzer-covered womb all the way back in August, but she’s promoting the new season of The Voice so right now is the best time for her to get some promo.
Summer Rain is making a Reddit Hawk face. Either she’s really excited to learn all the details about Johnny & Amber’s island wedding or this is the exact moment when her mother whispered the words, “Your government name really is Summer Rain,” into her ear and she said “WUT?” to herself before crying over the foolery of it all.
People not only got pictures from Xtina (you can see another not as ‘Shopped picture here), but they also got words from her too:
On meeting Summer Rain for the first time: “I was speechless. She was literally like an angel … We had an immediate calm bond, and I felt unexplainably connected to her and her spirit.”
On how she’s saving money on electricity bills because Summer Rain’s smile is like a light bulb: “Her smile lights up a room and I know it melts mama and daddy’s hearts. She laughs a ton and is easy to make smile. She just wants to be where the action is!”
On doing The Voice and being a mom at the same time: “It’s definitely not easy juggling work and motherhood, as being a parent is a full-time job within itself. You just have to make it work for you. My life has so many different moving parts, but my kids are the center focal piece, and everything else shifts around them.”
I get that Xtina is one of the vanguards of the Photoshop movement and is usually Photoshopped into another dimension, but Photoshopping a baby? They Photoshopped that child so much that it almost looks like Summer Rain couldn’t make the shoot so they used the most famous star in Hollywood, the American Sniper baby, instead. What’s next? Celebrities Photoshopping the ultrasound pics of their fetus before posting it on Instagram? (“Why didn’t I think of that?!” – Kim Kartrashian)
Today is the 34th anniversary of Justin Timberlake’s born day and he thanked everyone for throwing happy birthday wishes at him by Instagramming that picture with this caption:
Thank you EVERYONE for the Bday wishes! This year, I’m getting the GREATEST GIFT EVER. CAN’T WAIT. #BoyOrGirl #YouNeverKnow #WeDontEvenKnow #WeAreTakingBets
When I first saw that picture, for about a second I thought JT was kissing on someone’s ass cheeks. I thought he was really happy about getting some ass to kiss on his for his birthday and this picture was his way of coming out as a lover of salad tossing. I expected him to announce a collaboration with Drake next. But then my one brain cell (I’m being generous) started working and I realized that it’s not a pair of nalgas he has his lips on, it’s a belly full of baby. Anyone who cares about the goings on in Jessica Biel’s womb has known for a while that she’s knocked up with a TimberFetus that will hopefully inherit its dad’s natural Ramen noodle curls. Today, Justin finally confirmed that he’s going to be a dad. If you look down at your pubes, you’ll see that one of them has turned white. That’s from finding out that Justin Timberlake is going to be a dad. We’re all old.
Poor Jessica Biel. Justin hijacked her wedding cover of People Magazine and now he leaves her face out of his baby announcement picture. Are we sure that’s even Jessica? Are we sure that’s not a bewigged Joey Fatone after a belly wax?