Someone is fucking with me! It’s been weekend after weekend of goddamn baby announcements. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate babies (I do), but could these famous people try and push one out or announce the arrival on a weekday? Michael K and Allison aren’t plagued with the baby talk so why should I be?! Anyway, at least this baby takes us back to one of the eras I enjoy the most, 2006. Audrina “Ceiling Eyes” Patridge of The Hills, the scripted soap opera about the lives of pieces of cardboard, has given birth to a baby girl.
Audrina and her fiancé, Corey Bohan – which sounds like the French version of Cody Lohan to me – announced back in December that there was a lil’ ol’ fetus in her uterus. And now they have welcomed their first child, Kirra Max Bohan. Reps for Audrina (she still has reps? what?) confirmed to People that Kirra made her first appearance yesterday morning. They went on to say, “she’s perfectly healthy and Mom is doing great.”
Audrina made the announcement of being knocked up on Instagram with a post sponsored by Clearblue, because that is the world we live in. Last week she used Instagram again to talk about how she’ll miss having a baby growing in her:
It’s going to be weird not having a belly soon or feeling little kicks punches and hiccups allll the time, I’m so used to it now and am loving it. I’ve had a pretty good pregnancy so I’m very thankful for that and also for good genes…. Just gotta get her to flip!! I’ll post a prego update blog for all my fellow prego girls out there:)! (thanks @enviedefraise for my cute dress)
She managed to get in a plug for her dress, but I really feel like she missed an opportunity for a bigger catch with the phrase “prego girls“. There’s money to be made in pasta sauce, Audrina!
By Hollywood baby name standards, Kirra is pretty normal and isn’t even a conversation piece. But Audrina has always been the most basic of the bunch and that has paid off for little Kirra. I mean, at least she doesn’t have a name like Saylor. So congrats, Kirra!
But unlike the Judd Apatow movie she starred in almost ten years ago, this knocked up experience won’t end with Katherine Heigl publicly shitting all over the people she worked on it with. It will end with a baby!
37-year-old Katherine and her 34-year-old husband Josh Kelley released a statement to People magazine confirming the news. If you thought Katherine Heigl was bad, just wait for raging pregnancy hormones Katherine Heigl!
The Kelley clan is thrilled to announce that we are expecting a third addition to our family. This is an incredibly exciting time for us filled with hope, anticipation, and hormones. Well, only I’m filled with hormones, but everyone in the family gets to enjoy them. We couldn’t be more excited to be able to finally share this news with our fans and are looking forward to continuing to share the journey with you all.
As mentioned above in their statement, Katherine and Josh already have two daughters. Back in 2009, Katherine and Josh adopted a little girl from Korea they named Naleigh Moon. Three years later they adopted another little girl from Louisiana they named Adelaide Marie Hope.
Katherine and Josh tell People that this new baby will be a boy and he’s due in January. Now let’s guess Baby Heigl-Kelly’s name, shall we? Katherine explained long ago that “Naleigh” was a name her older sister Margaret created by mashing together their mom’s name (Nancy) with her middle name (Leigh). Maybe they’ll combine Katherine and Josh’s first names, like Jorine or Kash. Personally I like Kash. It will make for a funny joke the next time her agent books her another kitty litter commercial. “I’ll do it, but not for the money. I already have all the Kash I need. Lolololol but seriously, how much does that litter commercial pay.”
Here are some pictures of the Kitty Litter Kween eating a granola bar and wearing a baggy bump-hiding shirt at LAX last month.
And not the kind of breeders who dim the lights and get two dogs to make puppies. At least, I don’t think Blake Lively has gotten into the purebred puppy game. Unless she registered a new breed of dog called a Teacup Wellidoodleclare that I wasn’t aware of.
According to Blake Lively, she and Ryan Reynolds are on their way to becoming the next Duggars. Cross-border Barbie and Ken currently have a one-and-a-half year old daughter named James and another one inside of Blake’s breedin’ parlor (I’m guessing that’s what she calls her uterus). Blake said that they’re not stopping at two and joked yesterday on the Today show that she and Ryan are fixin’ to have a million youngins’ because breeding is in their blood.
“I’m one of five kids. My husband is one of four, so we’re officially breeders. You can go on our website and we will give you some of our children.”
Blake’s going to have to be a little more specific about that website. I know she’s not talking about Preserve.us, because that will direct you to a 404 error. Wherever website they decide, I’m sure each child will come wrapped in a hand-woven muslin dish towel and delivered by a horse-drawn carriage in an antique white-washed wicker basket with a freshly-baked pullman loaf and mason jar of small-batch buttermilk.
Blake also talked about the one kid she already has, and apparently she’s putting Ryan’s LOL-making ass out of a job.
“She’s always doing something fun and exciting. She’s the most fun, funny human being I’ve ever been around in my life.”
I wonder what kind of stuff James is doing that is so fun and exciting? “My goodness, Ryan! You’ll never guess what Miss James did today. She put on a cotillion ball for her stuffed animals, and forgot to provide refreshments! Then she stepped on the hem of her petticoat and fell into the divan! Ah must say, I was positively in stitches.”
Here’s more of Breeder Lively looking like Cocktail Waitress Smurf while leaving her hotel in New York yesterday.
Another day, another baby! Yep! Another baby! I fucking told you this would happen and it’s worse than I thought it would be! Yesterday, Chelsea Clinton and her truck stop killer-looking husband, Marc Mezvinsky, said “hi” to their new son, Aidan. And today, on Father’s Day, English grand thespian, Eddie Redmayne, has upped the stakes in this game of improv we call life by saying “yes” to a baby. His wife, Hannah Bagshawe, gave birth to their daughter, Iris May Redmayne, earlier this week but they released a statement about it today.
They made the statement through the The Times UK, reports E!. There were reports that Hannah was carrying a wee one inside her baby making parts back in December and the couple confirmed in January. Speaking to the Daily Mail, the couple’s rep said, “I can confirm that Eddie and Hannah Redmayne have welcomed their first child.” Eddie and Hannah have been together since 2012 and got hitched in December 2014. Celebitchy got a scan of the announcement:
— celebitchy (@celebitchy) June 18, 2016
God, it’s all so proper. A normal dating and engagement period, baby after a year and a half of marriage. Very polite. Very British. Don’t they know that nowadays to be a real Hollywood couple you’ve got to cross promote and synergise and have possible questionable work done? Like, Blake and Gwen! And to wait a little while to announce the birth? Come on! Where was the live stream?! Where was the part where you enter your card details?! These two clearly have a lot to learn… In the meantime, I’m sure they’ll be getting very close with a baby’s two best friends – shit and throw up. Congrats!
What did I tell you? I told you this was coming. Spring and summer bring nothing but allergies, sweaty pits and news of babies. Ok and wine coolers. But mostly the baby stuff. And now another baby! But at least this one is semi-presidential so it has some relevance to the current political climate and debates and all that CNN talk. Former first daughter Chelsea Clinton and her husband, who totally doesn’t look like he kills drifters, Marc Mezvinsky, have welcomed their second child, Aidan Clinton Mezvinsky, into the world.
Chelsea tweeted the announcement of his birth early this morning:
Marc and I are overwhelmed with gratitude and love as we celebrate the birth of our son, Aidan Clinton Mezvinsky.
— Chelsea Clinton (@ChelseaClinton) June 18, 2016
Chelsea and Marc have one other child together, 20-month-old Charlotte. Chelsea’s parents, Hillary and Bill Clinton, are, let’s say… excited for the arrival of their second grandchild. But those are my words. Their statement uses language that only Michael K will truly appreciate (via People):
We are overjoyed to be grandparents again with the arrival of our grandson, Aidan Clinton Mezvinsky, born on Saturday, June 18, 2016. We are all over the moon as Chelsea and Marc welcome Charlotte’s little brother to the world and grateful for our many blessings. Chelsea and Aidan are both doing well and enjoying this very special time together.
If I were Hillary, I’d get Aidan and Charlotte out on the campaign trail ASAP. As we all know, this election is getting tougher and tougher, closer and closer. Every vote counts! Aidan and Charlotte can definitely help Hillary with getting more of the youth vote. Give them some funky hats and have someone write a rap for them to perform at malls. If anything, it’ll be better or on par with the current output of the music industry. Right, Tony?
In any case, rapping or not, congrats to Chelsea and Marc and may there be many moons for you to be over.
James Corden’s Carpool Karaoke segment on The Late Late Show has given us so much more than just watching famous people fulfill an obligation to their publicist. It’s where we learned that Leonardo DiCaprio calls people “boo boo” and that Adele would probably be into replacing both Posh and Sporty in that upcoming Spice Girls reunion tour. And now we can add “saving babies” to the list of things Carpool Karaoke is responsible for.
The latest edition of Carpool Karaoke aired on Monday night and featured the Red Hot Chili Peppers. According to an interview Anthony Keidis recently gave to UK’s Radio X (via Page Six), things got really dramatic on the day they filmed it. Shortly after they finished karaoke-ing, they all decided to pull the car over and get some Mexican food. That’s when they saw a panicked woman coming out of a house across the street with a baby saying “My baby, my baby can’t breathe.” And I’m sure the most terrifying thing they thought they were going to hear that day was the words “I’m going to tape this mic to your bare skin.”
All the Peppers ran across the street, and Anthony says the woman shoved the baby into his arms. Anthony immediately shifted into hero mode and tried CPR. Unfortunately, the baby’s mouth was locked shut, so he couldn’t breath in any air. So he started rubbing the baby’s tummy instead. Eventually bubbles started coming out of baby’s mouth and their eyes rolled back into place. An ambulance showed up, and he passed the baby off to paramedics.
I don’t know if Anthony learned those life-saving skills during his trip to the hospital last month or what, but damn. If someone handed me an unconscious baby while I was eating tacos, I would be freaking out and screaming and knocking over hot sauces and shit. Anthony deserves some kind of award or medal for his quick thinking. I would be ok if he received that medal shirtless and the city pinned it to a gym sock. Just a suggestion!
Apparently the only part of Ashton Kutcher that’s worn rubber recently has been his nose. Ew, I’ll stop. That innocent red rubber nose doesn’t deserve to be dragged into a joke about Ashton’s penis. A rep for Mila Kunis has confirmed to People that she’s currently pregnant with Kelso’s baby for a second time. Mila and Ashton, who got secret married almost a year ago, already have a 20-month-old daughter named Wyatt Isabelle.
Mila’s rep didn’t get into specifics, like when she’s due or if it’s a boy or a girl or if they’re (brace yourself, Michael K) “over the moon.” But a source tells People that Ashton is really excited about being a dad again.
“Ashton genuinely lights up when talking about Wyatt and the little one on the way. Everything about being a father is natural to him.”
Since we know nothing about Jackie and Kelso’s second baby, the only thing we can do is wildly speculate about what they might name it. Their first baby sounds like a brand of old-timey saloon cocktail onions, and Ashton did make a show for Netflix called The Ranch. So I’m guessing a vaguely Western-sounding name is in that baby’s future. If it’s a boy, I’m thinking Shooter Mustache or (jangly sound of spurs) McWhiskey. If it’s a girl, then maybe Miss Kitty or Pleasewatch Theranch, because I’m not sure anyone is doing that and it could probably use all the help it can get.
Here’s Mila and Ashton and Wyatt at a farmer’s market last month. You know, that source claims Ashton loves being a dad, but does he really? Look at those cut-off sweat shorts. A real out-and-proud dad would have made the transition to Kirkland Signature hemmed-at-the-knee stonewashed jean shorts already.
I’m sure all of you have been tossing and turning all night long wondering if Janet Jackson is actually carrying the baby that is currently growing inside her 50-year-old body. Janet didn’t get into specifics when she confirmed that she was having a baby with her billionaire husband Wissam Al Mana; only that she was hitting the snooze button on her Unbreakable tour because they were “planning a family.” Well, you can finally sleep again, because it sounds like Janet’s big brother Tito Jackson has kind-of confirmed that their “planning” didn’t involve searching for a surrogate.
People says Tito spilled the beans about Damita Jo’s uterus during an interview with Andy Cohen for SiriusXM’s Andy Cohen Live on Monday. When asked how his sister’s pregnancy was going, Tito answered that Janet is “very well pregnant“, adding that she is “doing very well” and “taking it easy.” Andy then brought up the internet talk about whether or not Janet might have contracted out her pregnancy to a professional. But I guess Tito’s comment about Janet being “very well pregnant” was enough for him to stamp SOLVED on that mystery, and he quickly moved on to asking when she’s due. Tito doesn’t know when she’s due or what she’s having, but he does know that Janet is hoping for a “healthy baby.”
Tito’s remark about her being “very well pregnant” was so damn confusing that I’m not sure we can technically classify what he said as a legitimate confirmation. Who describes someone as “very well pregnant“? That would be like today’s Hot Slut describing herself as “very well successful.” It’s like he’s tip-toeing around the truth by using existentialist jargon. “She could very well be pregnant, who is to say? What is life, even?” Tito, stop speaking in riddles!
“And unto Earth there shall be an angel. An angel mostly made of silicone and prescription drugs. This angel shall be raised as the child bride of a loathsome toad wart and together they shall procreate and humanity will come to a close.” I’m sure you all remember that from the Good Book. It speaks of the pregnancy of Courtney Stodden. And now Courtney brings us more, umm, news on her upcoming parenting.
Courtney and her truck stop killer-looking captor, I mean husband, Doug Hutchison announced they were going to have a baby back in May. Courtney claims she is 8 weeks along and she’s keeping that press train going. She spoke to People about her predictions on her child’s sexuality:
If it’s a boy I am going to dress him up in tutus. I know I am going to spoil my baby rotten. I’m going to be a fun mom. I always say I am going to have a girl regardless, and if it’s a boy he’ll be gay!
I’m glad to see that pregnancy hasn’t affected her brain’s main function: getting attention. Yes, Courtney’s possible gayby will have her and Doug as parents, but at least he’ll have his mother’s good taste. We could be talking about the next Bobby Trendy!
And thanks to this People article, we have Michael K’s two favorite things in one place: an elegant rose and the phrase “over-the-moon“! Yes! Congratulations Michael K! Courtney said, “My husband has been my rock. He is over-the-moon excited! And he’s so connected to me that he’s basically having morning sickness.” Well, I too must be connected to Courtney because the thought of Doug procreating makes me throw up constantly.
I wasn’t even aware that Jena Malone was pregnant. Or maybe I did know that, but I can only remember a certain amount of famous knocked-up people news and I decided to reserve it all for Courtney Stodden’s pregnancy. 31-year-old Jena Malone announced today on Instagram that she has given birth to her first child, a son, she made with artist/photographer boyfriend Ethan DeLorenzo.
“The best weekend of our lives!!! What an incredible blessing to be chosen by this amazing, kind, gentle and beautiful soul to be his parents. Humbled and in complete awe that we get to experience the most ancient and transcendent love that exists.
Thank you Ode Mountain DeLorenzo Malone.”
“Ancient and transcendent love“? That sounds like a birth announcement written by someone who presses their own turmeric milk because they can’t be guaranteed that the bottled stuff at the co-op hasn’t come into contact with a yuppie’s filthy normie hands. With that being said, that completely explains that name. Let’s forget for a second that “Ode Mountain” sounds like how Nicole Kidman would pronounce Cold Mountain if she had some leftover Botox freezing in her sinuses. Ode Mountain sounds like a company started by two guys from Colorado who met at a Phish concert that makes 100% organic cruelty-free camping tarps and sleeping bags (cruelty free because they’re sewn in a way that doesn’t traumatize the ground when you sleep on it).
I do feel sort of bad though. Soleil Moon Frye was probably going to name a future child Ode Mountain, and now she has to cross that name off her list.
Here’s a pregnant Jenna and her boyfriend Ethan DeLorean at a fashion show back in February.