I’m not completely fluent in side-eye reading, but I’m going to guess that Brit Brit Spears’ awkward side-eye in that picture is saying: “Oops! ….I fawted again and that one’s going to leave a skiddy.”
Brit Brit was at the ESPY Awards yesterday and some thought that she was there to announce that she’s headlining the Super Bowl halftime show next year, but I hoped that she was there to announce that her alter ego Cheetopatra will lead the new cast of the rebooted GLOW. But Brit was just there to present an award and that’s it.
It took me a few blinks to realize this isn’t Kesha reporting for her cocktail waitress job at an Ice Pirates-themed bar. Brit Brit’s stylists really outdid themselves this time. Her makeup artiste went full “sneaky raccoon wax figure” on her face and her stylist put her in something that looks like a Star Wars Ice Capades costume designed by someone who doesn’t know what a Star Wars character looks like. The producers of the off-strip Las Vegas show her stylist stole that costume from are probably going to press charges against her for accessory to theft, but that’s a teeny-tiny price to pay. Because this IS the look.
In other highly important Britney news, Buzzfeed recently posted pictures of the grocery lists that were allegedly scribbled out by Brit. Someone (today “someone” is spelled S-A-M-L-U-T-F-I) somehow (today “somehow” is spelled T-R-A-S-H-D-I-V-I-N-G) got a hold of the lists and sold them on eBay. The lists prove that Brit is an authentic foodie and gourmet aficionado who enjoys the finer things in the grocery store like Velveeta, gritz, I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter, fat-free bacon, mayenaise, Cinamin Toast Crunch, Wonder Bread, Captain Crunch and Dr. Pepper. Behold, one of the lists.
Any expert will tell you that these grocery lists are extremely suspect, because it doesn’t look like there’s self-tanner stains on them AND they’re missing the sparkle on the tip of Britney’s food pyramid: CHEETOS! Therefore, this list cannot be verified. But I guess if she really did write these lists, I’ll let go of 2006 and swallow the hard fact that she’s moved on from those puffy pieces of cheese heaven. I’ll change her nickname from Our Lady of Cheetos to Our Lady of Spegettios.
I’m surprised there’s not a fat billow of steam rising up off of them. Isn’t that what happens when an extra hot human flat iron touches an ice cube?
Last night, something that happens every single night happened: awards were handed out to country stars. All of the oxygen on this planet will be sucked out into the universe and vengeance will come if a day goes by where a country music star doesn’t thank the lord for the trophy in their hand. So last night, the CMT Music Awards went down at the Bridgestone Arena in Nashville. Since they’re at every country music awards show, the frozen porcelain vase and the fresh-outta-the-kiln ceramic pot in a Suze Orman wig were at the CMT Music Awards last night.
Nicole Kidman looked stunning in matador pants, a rich old lady’s lunchin’ shoes, a face by DuPont and a fur-trimmed top that was a gaudy toddler dress in a past life. I don’t know if it’s the makeup or lighting or what (“It’s the ‘what.'” – you), but the Botox Baroness looks like she strolled into her plastic surgeon’s office and pondered between the Madame brand cheek cutlets and the Phoebe Price brand cheek cutlets before going with the latter. But on a more important note, I need to know which brand of SPF: Infinity And Beyond Nicole uses, because I burn easily and it’s amazing that she doesn’t get even a little bit tan while standing next to that humanized UV ray.
Here’s more pictures from the CMT Music Awards including a couple of Billy Ray Cyrus outdoing Keith Urban in the flat iron game.
American Treasure Betty White Won A People’s Choice Award And Was Escorted To The Stage By Captain America
I’m sure my 94-year-old neighbor Mrs. Lee saw this tender moment between Betty White and Chris Evans at the 2015 People’s Choice Awards and was like “Oh, that Spider Man – such a gentleman” (because everyone is Spider Man to grandma types).
Because I stopped giving my brain exercise a long time ago, I watched the People’s Choice Awards last night. Or at least as much as my brain could handle, till it began screaming “ENOUGH!!!” and made me change the channel to something more mentally stimulating, like Pick A Puppy. But what I did see was 93-year-old life legend and sassy lil’ slice of lemon meringue pie Betty White accepting the award for Favorite TV Icon (how kind of Bruce Jenner to decline the award and give it to the next in line). Of course, an icon like Betty should never walk anywhere without a hot entourage, so hot hottie Chris Evans popped out of his seat and escorted her to the stage. Not shown: what I assume was at least 50 other dudes behind him fighting over the privilege of offering their arm to one of the Golden Girls.
But it wasn’t all about Betty. How rude, I know. Other people took home awards too, including 2014’s version of Jenna Elfman Kaley Cuoco-Sweeting for Favorite Comedic TV Actress, The Big Bang Theory for Favorite TV Show and Favorite Network TV Comedy, Melissa & Joey for Favorite Cable TV Comedy (wait, WHAT?), Tay Tay Swift and her BFF Ed Sheeran as Favorite Female and Male Artist, and Maleficent for Favorite Movie. Unfortunately, Angelina Jolie couldn’t be there in person to accept her award, because she was too busy working miracles for the Pope in Italy. You can see the whole list of winners is here, if you need that in your life.
Sadly, Betty didn’t walk the red carpet before or after the show (probably because a true icon gives the poor 2s and 3s of the world a moment in the spotlight every once in a while), but everyone else did, so here’s all the famous types from the People’s Choice awards, including Kaley Cuoco-Sweeting wearing some kind of sheer-paneled classy/slutty jumpsuit culottes thing, Anna Faris looking like a fancy Vegas bride, and Kat Dennings working that A+ goth brothel madame game:
Awww, it’s always a special relationship moment when you go from “secret husband” to “not-so-secret husband”. Take it all in, Romaine Dauriac! Last night, Scarlett Johansson attended the Gotham Independent Film Awards in NYC, and she brought her brand-new no-longer-secret secret fancy French husband Romaine Lettuce. People says that for the first time since they got secret hitched, ScarJo was introducing him as her “my husband”, as opposed to “the French dude who barebacked a bébé into me”, which is what I assume she used to introduce him as.
In case you’re anything like me (don’t ever admit that out loud, for your sake), I’m sure you’ve been dyyying to know more about ScarJo and Romaine Lettuce’s secret wedding. Thankfully, ScarJo hangs around with some Level-8 blabbermouths who have been spilling the details. According to People, ScarJo and Lettuce tied the knot on October 1st in Philipsburg, Montana. I don’t know anything about Philipsburg, but from what I can tell on Google Maps, it’s about a 2 hour drive to the closest Taco Bell (and really, that’s all I need to know).
But back to the Gotham Awards. ScarJo was nominated for Best Actress for Under the Skin, but lost out to Julianne Moore for Still Alice. Other winners included Original Recipe Batman Michael Keaton for Birdman, and Tilda Swinton, who got some kind of lifetime alien human tribute award for being Tilda Swinton, I guess.
Here’s more of ScarJo at the Gothies working some greasy teenage dirtbag boy hair, for some reason, as well as Jon Hamm looking foiiiiine as hell (“DUH!” screamed everyone with a working pair of eyes), Jakey G, and Uma Thurman looking like a fancy upper-class witch:
I know what you’re thinking: “Of course she was presented with the wrong award! The only award that should be given to Kim Kardashian is the Drowsiest Performance in an Amateur Porno at the AVN Awards”. And while I totally agree with you (except maybe for the word “amateur”, because we all know Kim is a pro when it comes to taking a dick) sadly that wasn’t the situation last night at the British GQ Awards.
Kanye West’s cheap knock-off My Size Barbie was honored with the title of “W
oman of the Year” at the GQ Men of the Year Awards last night, because I guess if Pimp Mama Kris and Satan back a dump truck full of cash into your driveway, you’ll pretty much give that hooker whatever award she wants. Kim trotted up on stage to collect her award looking like a skanky trick-turning mermaid stripper caught in a tuna net, thanked PMK and Satan and the scientist who invented Botox for making her look as slow as she actually is and the wonderful living breathing photo op that fell out of her rode-hard-put-away-never pussy. But according to The Daily Mail, it wasn’t until she zombie shuffled backstage that she realized she had been given the wrong award. As it turns out, Kim was presented with Pharrell Williams’ award for “Solo Artist of the Year”. Kim probably klued in when she saw the word solo: “This can’t be right – I’m famous for a classic male-on-female, not a solo performance. This must be meant for someone else.”
Which means that at some point last night, there was a very confused Pharrell holding a “Woman of the Year” award and thinking “How many times do I have to tell these people? I’m not Poussey from OINTB!”
And since we already know what Kim wore (trash, she wore trash) here’s everyone else who went to the GQ Men of the Year Awards in London last night, including Benedict Otterface, Cara Delevingne, Daisy Lowe’s tits, Pippa Middleton because WHY?!?, and Jessie J who, like always, was a vision of low-budget escort glamour (yes even more than Kim Kardashian).
Yes, that’s Crazy Eyes from Orange Is The New Black after winning the award for “Outstanding Guest Actress in a Comedy Series”, which means there is a God, and he too probably binge-watched the second season back in June like the rest of us (“Hi, you’ve reached God. I can’t take your prayer right now because I’m watching OITNB, but leave me a message and I’ll get back to you as soon as I’m done.”)
On Saturday night, the Creative Arts Emmys were given out at the Nokia Theatre in Los Angeles, and in case you’re not totally familiar, the Creative Arts Emmy Awards are sort of like the Cindy Brady to the Primetime Emmy Awards’s Marcia (which would make Jan the messy shit-show that is the Daytime Emmy Awards ). They air a week before the Primetime Emmys and they give out awards for technical shit like editing and…uh…editing? Maybe microphone holding? But they also give out awards for guest actors and reality show hosts and stuff. Basically, THE LEFTOVERS. On the plus side, it’s always filled with the hottest of the hot: Uzo Aduba! Allison Janney! Bob Newhart! What’s the opposite word for “basic bitches”?
Other people who took home pointy-winged gold yoga ball-holding angel statues were Jane Lynch for hosting Hollywood Game Night, Allison Janney for her guest spot on Masters of Sex, Joseph Gordon-Levitt for (inhale) “Outstanding Creative Achievement in Interactive Media in the Category of Social TV Experience” for his online show HitRecord On TV, and Harry Shearer for his voice work on The Simpsons. That’s right, the voice of Principal Skinner/Mr. Burns/Smithers/Flanders/Lenny/Otto/Reverend Lovejoy has NEVER won an Emmy before; the world truly is a fucked-up place. The complete list of winners can be found here.
And here’s everyone wearing fancy dresses and suits in million-degree weather at the Creative Arts Emmys on Saturday night, including Laverne Cox (who does Beyoncé better than Beyoncé ever has. YES I SAID IT. Come at me, Bumblebeys, I ain’t scared!), and Derek Hough looking like Earring Magic Ken all dressed up.