He looks like if Damien from The Omen got a job at Jiffy Lube. That’s current Hollywood slobber object Timothee Chalamat holding his statue for Best Male Lead for his part as a teenage twink in love with a much older dude in Call Me By Your Name. The Independent Spirit Awards were held yesterday. Variety reports that Jordan Peele’s “white people really ARE evil!” horror/comedy/satire Get Out won for Best Feature and Best Director, and honestly, why is Timothee dressed like a gas station attendant? Surely choosing an outfit for these things isn’t that much of a stressor that you say “eff it” and go with coveralls?
Based on some very in-depth research (ie. me staring at pictures of his extra-ripped action figure body for ten minutes), I have estimated that Zac Efron’s body is approximately 106% muscle. I know that technically the most muscle a human body could be made up of is 100%, but look at him. He’s clearly storing a whole bunch of extra muscles behind his other muscles. However, don’t think this jacked-up version of Zac Efron will be around forever. There is the possibility that one day you will see a shirtless picture of Zac Efron, and his body will be missing a matching set of bulgy biceps, a pair of plump titties, a washboard upper-crotch area, and whatever those weird muscles are on the side of your body that look like a litter of sleeping puppies.
While walking the red carpet for his latest movie, Mike and Dave Need Wedding Dates, earlier today, Zac Efron confessed to UsWeekly that he’d be willing to say goodbye to his rock-hard body and get heavy for the right role.
“I would love to gain 30 pounds and play an aging rock star. That’d be an awesome transformation.”
Somewhere, Axl Rose heard the words “gain pounds” and “aging rock star” and whispered: “He better not be talking about me.”
I would love to see science figure out a way to make Zac Efron gain weight. I don’t think it’s possible. I’m pretty sure that any calories that go in are instantly burned up the second they attempt to make their way through the Spartan Race that is his abs.
Here are some picture of Zac Efron from the premiere of Mike and Dave with most of his body covered up by a suit. I see he’s still working that Mark McGrath-circa 1997 hair. Also included are some pictures of Adam DeVine riding Zac (not like that), as well as Aubrey Plaza and Anna Kendrick.
Andy Samberg’s tiny-voiced wife Joanna Newsom is sort of known for having a “fuck it, I wear what I want” attitude when it comes to red carpet clothes. Which is great, because, fuck it – wear what you want. And last night was no exception. Obviously the WTF Award went to Heidi Klum and whatever the hell she was wearing, but Joanna came pretty close.
Joanna’s look is sort of a mix between “accident at the Mattel factory involving a Pink n’ Pretty dining room set” and “fancy new money jellyfish“, and I don’t hate it. She looks like what I imagine Miss Piggy’s powder room looks like; just tons of random fabric and shit covered in gems. Also, if you squint a little, her dress sort of looks like a penis with a wart on the tip. Just me? Okay.
Other than Joanna, not many other famous types brought the messy eleganza. Probably because they knew it was going to be so hot, and they just couldn’t be bothered. That, or they knew no matter how foolish they tried to look, they’d be no match for Alan Cumming and his dress CROCS.
Regardless, here’s a bunch of other dresses from last night. And pants! A bunch of ladies wore pants. I don’t really blame them; it’s a lot easier to run back and forth to the bar during commercials if you don’t have to pull 30 lbs of fabric along with you.
As Will Ferrell accepted his Comedic Genius Golden Popcorn Award at last night’s MTV Movie Awards, Aubrey Plaza from Parks & Recreation pulled a lukewarm Kanye West when she crashed the stage and awkwardly tried to snatch away Will’s golden dingle trophy. Will didn’t give it up, so she went back to her seat, sat down and dropped her plastic cup of the sweet nectar on the floor. The only good thing to come out of this totally staged stunt is the “Why the fuck did I agree to this stupid shit, I could be at home watching myself on TV” side-eye that Peter Dinklage threw.
MTV News says that Aubrey’s awkward stage crash wasn’t planned and the producers of the show asked her to leave right afterward. Will co-signed MTV News’ statement backstage and said that he really had no idea what was going on.
“I think she wanted to tell me something important, but there was no message. It was just a lot of hot liquor breath. And, then, and a little bit of sweat. And then she ran away. But the ship sailed on.”
MTV needs to pull all of our dicks harder, because there’s no way that mess wasn’t completely choreographed from beginning to end. First of all, they put Aubrey Plaza in the front row. Second of all, she wrote the name of her new movie on her chest. Third of all, everyone is saying that Aubrey Plaza looked ten sheets to the wind, but ho didn’t look drunk to me. She looked like she was faking the drunkness. A true drunk bitch would never spill the sweet nectar like that. A true drunk bitch holds onto their cup of the sweet nectar for dear life.
Even though this shit was a sad excuse for a publicity stunt, it worked!
But then again, maybe MTV was telling the truth when they said this wasn’t rehearsed. Because I don’t think any part of that shitty awards show was rehearsed.
Margaret Thatcher (seen above wearing a gorgeous yarn spaghetti side weave) is somewhere in the after world spooning with Ronald Reagan, because she died of a stroke at the age of 87 this morning. Because I only get my highly important international news from the esteemed literary journal The Sun, here’s a piece from their article about the death of the UK’s longest-serving prime minister:
Baroness Thatcher is understood to have died at the Ritz Hotel in London while recuperating after after a minor operation.
Current Prime Minister David Cameron today said: “It was with great sadness that l learned of Lady Thatcher’s death.
“We’ve lost a great leader, a great Prime Minister and a great Briton”.
Buckingham Palace said the Queen was “sad to hear the news”.
The Baroness will receive a ceremonial funeral with military honours at St Paul’s Cathedral followed by a private cremation.
Pour one out for Margaret Thatcher and by “one” I mean a gallon of milk. And if you were born before 1990, pour a morning cocktail into your mouth hole, because you’ll need it to deal with all the young hos who think that Meryl Streep, a Harry Potter character and Cher died today.