Because I’m a Grade-A, red-blooded, diva-loving gay gay gay, there is really no better medicine post-breakup than taking a bottle of rosé to the face, watching hours of Sex and the City, and thinking, “At least you ain’t as fucked in the head as Carrie Bradshaw,” before flopping into bed and crying myself to sleep to Danity Kane. Well, I wonder if that would be a bit too meta for Aubrey O’Day, because E! reports she is no longer riding Pauly D’s D. What?! Say it ain’t so! Who gets custody of the joint account at Sun Tan City?!?!?!
YES! You know that Slutoween has officially begun when a Z-list flower does herself up like a skankified version of a Disney cartoon character to go to some men’s magazine party. I needed something to cleanse my eyeballs of Colton Haynes’ nightmare-inducing skinny Ursula, and thankfully, Aubrey O’Day came along looking like Slutella de Vil at a Maxim Halloween party.
You know, I was going to call Maxim’s Halloween party a bootleg Playboy party, but I’d rather go to a Maxim party. Because at a Maxim party, you don’t have to feel your skin crawl as you watch Hugh Hefner pick out which plastic blondes he wants in his sad sex line of terror and you don’t have to worry about tackling a trick after seeing Bill Cosby hand her a drink. Besides, at a Playboy party, will you see this bronzer-covered rose looking like Cruella de Vil if Cruella de Vil finally went to prison for animal cruelty, got out and had to trade hand jobs for her fix (Dalmatian pelts) in the alley of a dog shelter? I think not! (No, I doubt Aubrey O’Day gets invited to Playboy parties anymore, but that’s not the point!)
Former HSOTD, “world pop artist” and the white magic sorceress of style Z La La once again used her wizard powers to bring some much-needed sparkle to the MTV VMAs
red carpet FLOR carpet. Z LaLa was a spectacular glittery flower in the middle of a field of dull weeds.
Z LaLa not only has a stage name like a Teletubby, but last night she looked like a Teletubby after getting stuck while trying to shape-shift into Lady Gaga. Z LaLa was perfection from the tippity top of her cone dildo wig to the bottom hem of her exploding Christmas ribbon dress. Someone needed to show up to that dreadful award show looking like a Conehead witch who works part-time as an emcee in a Cirque du Soleil show and thank god that Z LaLa was that someone.
Z LaLa strikes me as the kind of fashion icon who really commits to her look and goes all the way, so I’m sure the drapes match the carpet. If you lifted her dress, I’m sure you’d find a long cone of pubes hanging off of her crotch. Z LaLa is also pretty brave for wearing a long black dildo wig to an event where Kartrashians will be. I’m sure Z LaLa had security guards who kept the Kartrashians from trying to climb up her body to fuck her wig.
And one of my other favorite looks of the night came from Our Robotic Lady of Cheetos and her suffocating chichis:
Daddy Spears should give a raise to whoever is responsible for doing Brit Brit up like Double Trouble from She-Ra in the uniform she wears to serve cocktails at a 2-star casino in Reno.
And here’s 6,000 pictures from the VMAs carpet. You should just stop clicking when you get to Rebecca Black, because it doesn’t get more A-listery or relevant than her.
Your eyeballs are probably covered with a thick layer of crusty pieces of self-tanner, Diddy’s dried drool and Fashion Fair bronzer, and that could mean only one thing: it’s Aubrey O’Day! When Aubrey Ho’DayandNight was fired from Diddy’s harem of yodeling concubines, he probably thought that in 5 years she’d be giving $2 daytime lap dances in the 40oz room of an illegal strip club on the outskirts of Tampa, FL. But Diddy was more than wrong, because here’s Aubrey giving a nighttime lap dance at a casino burlesque show in Coconut Creek, FL. Diddy can smear it on Aubrey’s ass and eat it.
Here’s more of Aubrey popping her ass out in The Knockouts Burlesque Show at the Seminole Casino. I love how Aubrey usually has chichis all the way out when she’s strolling down the streets, but she covers them up with a turtleneck when she’s performing in a damn burlesque show. Aubrey’s fresh petals are always full of surprises.
While looking like the Hotmess Monster, Lochie’s skanky American cousin, human bronzer stick Aubrey O’Day posed for a paparazzo in a staged photo shoot that included a choreographed “1…2…3…NIP SLIP!” moment and some covered clam bumping with her lady friend. Aubrey is so ethereal that I’m sure even her crabs fart up pixie dust. Yes, the City of Miami Beach had to shut down this stretch of beach and keep hos from going into the ocean since Aubrey tainted it with the layers upon layers of lead-based paint she smears all over her body, but that is a small price to pay for creating natural magic like this.
The Los Angeles County Health Department opened up a file for Aubrey O’Day’s dirty anal adventures and it wasn’t for the usual dirty anal adventures they investigate her for. Aubrey HoingDayandNight (aka the most famous person on Celebrity Apprentice) took her living fashion accessories, Ginger (the Poochie wannabe on the left) & Mary Ann (the cotton candy with legs on the right) to lunch the other day at Toast and let them rub their dyed doggy assholes all over the patio table. It could’ve been worse, Aubrey could’ve been the one scooting her b-hole across the table, which she’s known to do.
The Health Department rang the alarm after they watched a video on TMZ of Ginger and Mary Ann dropping some poop dust and tapeworm saliva on the table. They paid a visit to Toast and let them off with a warning: “Pets shall not be allowed on chairs, seats, benches and tables. The Health Dept would like people to enjoy eating with their pets … but we also want people to be respectful to other people.”
Coming from a gross bitch like me who once ate a chicken salad sandwich next to the bathroom on a Chinatown bus from NYC to Boston, this doesn’t bother me as much as it should. But what does bother me is that the servers at Toast failed to see the S.O.S. in the table. I mean, Ginger and Mary Ann obviously only scooted across that table to write “HELP US” in skid marks.