Michael already gave you a breakdown of Masterdouche Theatre: The First Act featuring Drake and Kanye West as headliners. Intermission is now over. Wipe that popcorn butter off your greasy hands, hang up that phone call and get back from the bathroom before the lights go out.
Kanye West was not finished with Drake last night, even after Drake called him on the cellphone to apologize. What did Kanye West do about it? What he does worst. Tweet.
Kanye West’s new friend, that talking tree, needs to come and get him because he’s getting messy again.
Kanye’s Fern Gully moment of zen didn’t last long. Kanye added some oil to the pan and reheated his cold, dried-out, rotten beef with Drake. This time Kanye’s b-hole got twisted over Drake’s team asking for clearance to sample his song Say What’s Real. Drake remixed it in 2009. Kanye got mad because he says he’s been trying to talk to Drake for months but Drake has been avoiding him like Kanye avoids a sense of reason. Kanye could’ve, I don’t know, used his finger to open up the Messages app and text Drake, but that wouldn’t have made him trend on Twitter. And if it doesn’t get Kanye attention, it didn’t happen. Cut to Azalea Banks screaming: THE GIRLS ARE FIGHTING!
There was a time when Thomas Markle was begging his other messy family members to keep their mouths shut about Duchess Meghan and the royal family, and was worried that the royals would get mad over him refusing to keep quiet about them. Well, just like my undies whenever I see a new hot pic of Prince Hot Ginge, Daddy Thomas has ripped that thought out of his brain and has gone full messy family member of a celebrity. Thomas thinks it’s really hilarious that he has the power to shut the royal family up. That cracking sound that Thomas hears outside of his Rosarito Beach house isn’t from the paparazzi he called checking their camera before shooting not-staged pics of him holding a tabloid with the royals on the cover and laughing at it. It’s Daniel Craig as James Bond cracking his knuckles while preparing to handle a bitch for THE QUEEN.
So let’s see, when I send InTouch Weekly a batshit insane handwritten open letter to Prince Hot Ginge, beseeching him to please not making the biggest royal wedding mistake since Duchess Camilla wore a wheat field on her dome to her own wedding, I get my letter returned along with the business card of a psychiatrist in my town. But when the estranged half-brother of Meghan Markle sends InTouch a batshit insane handwritten open letter to PHG, they give him a check and publish it. I see how it is, InTouch Weekly!
We’re a little over two weeks away from the day when my neighbors call animal control after hearing a traumatized drunk hyena sing Where Do Broken Hearts Go, and so all of the estranged members of Meghan Markle’s family are stepping up their crazy. Samantha Markle isn’t the only estranged half-sibling of Meghan’s who can slag her off for a check, Thomas Markle Jr. can do that too. Thomas Jr., who hasn’t seen Meghan since 2011, slammed her in an open letter to PHG and accuses her of coldly using their father Thomas Markle for his money and then not even inviting him to the wedding. Err, Tom Jr. should probably double check with daddy, because People says that he is going.
File this under: Information Your Brain Really Needed Today.
Kelly Osbourne marched in NYC’s Pride Parade yesterday and sometime during the afternoon, she had a Detrol commercial moment and had to go, had to go, had to go right then. So Kelly went into a Starbucks to piss and she says the rude ass employees wouldn’t let her use their toilet, so she had no choice but to make like she was Ray J and her shoes were Kim Kartrashian’s ass. She busted a golden showers show and got piss in her shoes.
Sure, you might be thinking that Kelly could’ve just bought a fucking cookie to use the bathroom, but then she wouldn’t have pissed on herself and gotten attention for it by tweeting. And even if she did buy a fucking cookie, she still wouldn’t be able to use the bathroom since that Starbucks doesn’t have one!
Here I was thinking that Pimp Mama Kris was the komedian of the koven (see: PMK saying that everyone can relate to at least one member of her stable of fame whores), but Caitlyn Jenner proved that she’s got fresher and edgier jokes!