The difference between goddesses and us peasants is that when peasants like myself wake up with a giant purple ruffled wart on our shoulder, we go down to the free clinic with a list of our past fuck partners while trying to remember which one of them rubbed their dirty dick on our shoulder. But when goddesses wake up with a giant purple ruffed wart on their shoulder, they work it to the core at an event and bring the people to their knees.
Iman put the glamour in Glamour’s Women of the Year Awards in NYC last night when she slid along the red carpet in a Christian Siriano gown that made her look like that ultra glamorous Jurassic Park dinosaur if that ultra glamorous Jurassic Park dinosaur got a fairy godmother to turn them into a human goddess. Iman also looks like the most gorgeous venus fly trap that ever sprouted from the earth, and if they ever do that Little Shop of Horrors remake, she can play Audrey II. But instead of eating humans, she causes them to pass out from the power of her pose skills.
Here’s more from last night’s Women of the Year Awards. Nobody can touch Iman and her ruffled fortune cookie, but I am into Nicole Kidman’s tits beneath my wings dress.
As if Madonna needed to physically show us how thirsty she is. We know, girl!
Every year, Madonna descends upon the Met Gala with more excitement than a clown who just snorted a line of crushed espresso beans. Last night was no different. Madonna showed up in Duck Dy-Nasty camo couture, swigging something from a canteen. Who cares what the theme was; Madonna wanted to do drunk Bass Pro Shops beauty pageant queen, and so that’s what Madonna is gonna do.
Of course, Madonna did disappoint a teeny tiny bit. I’m of course talking about the fact that her ass – arguably the Met Gala’s most frequent guest – was nowhere to be seen last night. Given the theme of her ensemble, she could have taken it further by letting her ass cheeks flop around behind her like two plucked mallards. Madonna’s look was done by Jeremy Scott for Moschino, so I blame him for that.
Actually, that’s not true. Time magazine seems a bit too stuffy and uptight to partner with such a sexy retailer. But that didn’t stop model Ashley Graham from slinking onto the red carpet of the annual Time 100 Gala in New York City last night in a silk nightie and robe combo. Oh, and a corset belt and jeweled choker, because Ashley clearly knows the difference between a proper formal lingerie look and looking like you just woke up from an afternoon catnap in your sugar daddy’s mansion.
The cover of Vogue’s March issue features “Fashion’s Fearless Females.” That’s their words. Most notable among the skinny Vogue regulars, like the Bitches of the Moment Kendall Jenner and Gigi Hadid, is Cheryl Tiegs’ favorite model, Ashley Graham. Ashley has appeared on the cover of British Vogue, but this is her first time on the cover of American Vogue.
Anna Wintour probably thought she was going to be greeted with a wall of applause for putting a non-skinny like Ashley on the cover with the rest of the low-BMI club. Except that her nomination for 2017’s biggest humanitarian award was replaced with people accusing Vogue of trying to make Ashley look skinnier. After people screamed and made the sign of the cross at Gigi’s extra long demon alien hand, they wondered why all the other models got to pose with their arms bent like 1980s Barbies while Ashley had to rest hers on her leg. Ashley Graham has an explanation about that arm situation.
Glamour’s annual Women of the Year award happened last night in Hollywood and the dress code must’ve been: MESS! Because most of them were.
Gwen Stefani (in the gallery) looked like an off-brand quinceañera Barbie and Zendaya (also in the gallery) wore some floral glove things that made it look like she just double fisted a flower fairy. And then there was Amber Heard whose dress looks like it was made out of the dusty curtains, crib skirt and pillow trim from an old-timey rich baby girl’s nursery. That dress is what Miss Havisham would wear if she was finally evicted from Satis House and had to make coins by selling ass at a brothel.
Amber hasn’t worked many red carpets ever since she settled her divorce from the angry scarf rack, so maybe she purposefully wore something busted. That way reporters wouldn’t ask her about Johnny Depp, because they’d be too busy wondering who and what the hell she’s wearing. Well played!
And here’s a zillion more pictures from last night including Lena Dunham who worked baby bangs and a constipated face.
The SI: Swimsuit Issue former cover girl vs. non-skinny current cover girl cage match continues. Even though Ashley Graham recently let Cheryl Tiegs know that she truly doesn’t care what she or any other concerned person thinks about her non-skinny body on the cover of this year’s Sports Illustrated: Swimsuit Issue, Cheryl Tiegs has more to say to Ashley.
Cheryl wrote an open letter to Ashley on The Huffington Post in an attempt to clarify the comments she made last week about how irresponsible it is for Sports Illustrated to glamorize Ashley’s obviously unhealthy body. (I say “obviously” because Dr. Oz told Cheryl so.) Cheryl wants Ashley to know that the original question wasn’t specifically about her and that the media has “manufactured” a feud between the two of them. Um, is now a bad time to remind Cheryl that technically she’s the one who manufactured the feud with that backhanded compliment about Ashley’s “beautiful, beautiful” face?
Cheryl goes on to say that she wasn’t equating beauty to weight, but that she was just trying to school the fatties of America on their “lack of education” about healthy choices and increased obesity-related health issues, like diabetes and heart disease. In regards to what qualifies Cheryl as such an expert on health, she wants you to know she got her facts from the Center for Disease Control, Harvard, and the American Diabetes Association in addition to what she learned watching Dr. Oz from the comfort of her couch.
As for her comment about having one foot in the grave if your waist is larger than 35 inches (FYI: Ashley says hers is 29.5), Cheryl admits that hers is 37 inches. So I guess Cheryl’s next open letter will be to herself?
She closed it by apologizing to Ashley if her words offended her (aka sorry-not-sorry’s formal cousin) and congratulating her on influencing women to love their bodies. Which is so lazy of her. If you’re going to commit to a Facebook-style passive aggressive open letter, everyone knows you wrap it up with the words “I mean, I’m just sayin…’“.
Here’s Ashley, who probably took Cheryl’s unopened open letter and slipped it directly into the trash, on GMA this morning.