Somewhere there’s a bunch of high-strung worried moms that are thinking: “See? I just knew cigarettes were a gateway to hard drugs!”
The Sun says that back in September, Madonna’s 16-year-old son Rocco Ritchie was arrested for possession of marijuana about two miles from his father Guy Ritchie’s home. I’m not sure why we’re just hearing about this almost two months later. You know, considering we were practically given unsolicited up-to-the-minute updates from Madonna regarding her last situation with Rocco and Rocco’s daddy.
I’m not even going to make you guess what it was for, because I’m 99.9% sure that everyone who read that headline just said “For fighting someone, right?“. Although to be honest, guessing that Katt Williams got arrested for fighting is right up there with answering “Yes” to the question “Is cheese delicious?” on the list of Questions With Truly Obvious Answers.
TMZ says that Katt Williams, seen above working The Nolte for the latest mugshot in his collection, was arrested for battery of a female employee at the Sportsman’s Lodge restaurant in Sherman Oaks, CA on Sunday morning. This marks the second time this year that Katt Williams was arrested for beating down an employee at a restaurant, was accused of whooping a woman, and the second time this month that he’s gotten into trouble. Does Katt Williams have a Times I’ve Fucked Up punch card he’s trying to fill?
The details of the fight are kind of murky. All TMZ really knows is that a female employee alleged that Katt Williams attacked her. According to police, the employee had visible minor injuries and was pretty adamant that they arrest Katt for battery. How the alleged fight started, no one can really say. But since it’s Katt Williams we’re talking about, do we really even need a reason why? I’m sure Katt Williams himself doesn’t require a reason to go full-Katt Williams on someone.
Katt was taken into custody around 2:40pm and was released around 6:30pm after posting $20,000 bail. And before Katt walked out the door of the police station, he turned to the booking officer and started belting out “We’ll Meet Again.” That didn’t actually happen, but I like to think that one of these days it will.
Pic: Los Angeles County Sheriff
Don’t panic. Members of congress didn’t unanimously vote to criminalize swearing in the United States while you were busy couch napping this weekend. And thank god, because if swearing was illegal, I’d probably end up serving 16 consecutive life sentences for the nastiness that comes out of my toilet mouth. This actually happened at an event in St. Kitts in the Caribbean, and it was all because 50 Cent said the word “motherfucker.”
According to TMZ, 50 Cent was booked to host an event in St. Kitts on Saturday night. 50 Cent’s rep claims he was only scheduled to host, but he ended up performing “P.I.M.P.” Sources say he was warned ahead of time not to cuss, because certain swear words are illegal there (Ned Flanders is totally booking his next vacation in St. Kitts). But as you can see, 50 Cent clearly forgot about that whole “no swearing” thing.
One of the 40,000 people in attendance must not have appreciated 50 Cent’s repeated use of the word “motherfucker“, because the police were waiting for him after the show. 50 was arrested, taken to the police station, and booked for using profanity in public. He has since paid a fine and has returned home. His rep released a statement saying that the concert was a success, and adds that the next time 50 Cent goes to St. Kitts, he’ll “leave the motherfuckers in the United States.”
50 Cent is as good at staying out of legal trouble as he is at not being an asshole, apparently. Honestly, how difficult would it have been to not say motherfucker? Motherfucker turns into anything. Mother father. Muppet fluffer. Mustard brother. Macaroni. Monday Friday. Obviously none of those make any mother fucking sense. But if it came down to saying “motherfucker” or spending time in a Caribbean jail cell, my vote is singing about a mustard brother.
A little more than a month after being released early from jail for good behavior, Dustin Diamond, aka Screech from Saved By The Bell, is back in again. The fuck-up is truly strong with this one. Page Six says that Screech was arrested in Wisconsin on Wednesday after violating the terms of his parole.
An official wouldn’t say how he violated the terms. Maybe he showed the terms a clip of his sex tape? But they did confirm that he was in custody due to a probation whoopsie. Screech was put away for pulling a switchblade on a guy in a bar and stabbing him, so the obvious guess would be that his probation officer caught within 100 feet of a bar or a switchblade or the guy or something. However, sources tells TMZ that Screech’s arrest is drug related. Goddamn it, Screech, didn’t you learn anything from that PSA you made with Brandon Tartikoff? There’s no hope with dope!
I know that Dustin Diamond is like a moth to a forever fucking up flame, but damn if he didn’t go back to jail sooner than I expected. It’s barely been six weeks. Not to mention that only last week he was on Extra telling Mario Lopez that he wanted to put the “tomfoolery and malarkey” behind him and focus on starting a family. Maybe he missed jail too much and wanted to go back. But why? Who misses being in jail? Were Screech and his fellow inmates keeping themselves entertained by acting out old episodes of Saved by the Bell, and his early release fucked up the production schedule? “Look, I need to get back inside. They’re doing the fake IDs episode next week, and I’m the only one who knows the blocking for the scene at The Attic!”
I’m sure your first reaction after seeing the words “shit” and “front lawn” was to assume that this happened in Florida, but no, this actually happened in Arizona. I’m pretty sure if this happened in Florida, it would be accompanied by the words “…and then a methed-up gator slipped on it.”
The poo gone wrong story begins with a 33-year-old reporter for local news station KPHO named Jonathan Lowe. Jonathan was covering a story in Goodyear, Arizona on Monday when all of a sudden, his brain received a message from his colon informing him that here was a dump in his butt than needed to come out. Around 3:30pm, a witness claims she saw a man exit the KPHO news van, pick up several papers from the street, casually stroll over to a neighbor’s front lawn, pull down his pants, and proceed to let out a freshly baked booty cake. I wonder if before he did it, he announced “Jonathan Lowe here with some late breaking poos” in his reporter voice?
Once the witness realized what was happening, she called the police. She also didn’t have any trouble ID’ing the alleged poopetrator; the witness recognized that it was the same Jonathan Lowe from television.
According to a police report obtained and published by Jonathan’s now-former employer KPHO, Jonathan greeted the cops when they arrived on the scene and told them he knew what they were there about. Jonathan explained to the cops that the reason why he “took care of business” on someone’s front lawn was because he had been feeling sick and was stuck in the van all day. Sadly, Jonathan’s turds didn’t have to be public; a neighbor told police that if he had knocked on her door, she would have let him use her bathroom.
Jonathan was arrested and charged with public defecation. He was later released with a citation. No word on what happened to the dookie, but I hope other news stations had the decency to blur it out when the inevitable media circus arrived to cover the story. That poor doo doo didn’t ask for all this attention.
It’s been a whole month since we last heard anything about Katt Williams, and I was starting to get a little worried. But there’s no need to send out a search party, because Katt is back and he’s brought an arrest, a new mugshot, and a story that involves beating a dude with a salt shaker and a hide-out at a Waffle House with him. Uh…welcome back? I guess?
TMZ and WSB-TV2 Atlanta are reporting that police were called to a seafood restaurant in Atlanta, GA on Wednesday evening after Katt Williams allegedly started a fight with the manager. Around 10:30pm, Katt and his friends entered the restaurant, refused to wait to be seated, and just took a table. TMZ says that shortly after they broke Restaurant Commandment #1 (“Thou shalt not seat thyselves wherever the fucketh you want unless we sayeth so”), the manager of the restaurant swung by their table and got into it with them for not waiting to be seated. Katt allegedly decided to take the fight to the next level by grabbing a salt shaker and whipping it at the manager’s face. Feel free to make your own “assault with a salt” jokes here.
Katt’s salt shaker caught the manager on the lip and he started bleeding. That’s when Katt bailed. When the cops arrived, Katt was no where to be found. Katt was found a short while later at a nearby Waffle House, where he was arrested and charged with battery. Katt posted bond and was back on the streets around 12:30am.
This story is all kind of crazy, but considering the circumstances, it could have been so much more. Katt had access to all manner of makeshift weapons and a salt shaker was the closest thing to him. If The Butterfly Effect has taught me anything, it’s that if Katt had arrived a few seconds earlier or later, that salt shaker could have just as easily been a lobster tail or a plate of fried clams. But I think the craziest thing about this story is that the actual fight didn’t happen at the Waffle House. Katt Williams and a Waffle House sounds like a perfect storm of messiness.
Pic: East Point Police Department via TMZ