The twink-on-college daddy love story Call Me By Your Name takes place in the 1980s, so it would be a crime if the makers didn’t include one of the oh-so-many musical jewels from that time. They did, and Sony Pictures Classics released a clip of Armie Hammer feeling every part of the beat while dancing to Love My Way by the The Psychedelic Furs. Armie is dancing like a frat boy whose coke buzz hasn’t ended even though the party is over and the lights have turned on. Dancing like nobody’s watching: Armie is.
Even though Armie Hammer has the rhythm of an actual hammer, the curly-topped twink (played by Timothée Chalamet) is feeling the awkward moves that he’s laying down. Armie’s dancing has also inspired someone to create an Armie Dancing To Twitter account, which is basically this scene paired with a bunch of different songs. But to me, the real master of dance in this clip is the girl with the Ogilvie home perm and polka dot body suit who slides into the shot at the 0:26 mark and steals our gazes. Now that is someone who knows how to translate the music of The Psychedelic Furs through dance!
I haven’t read the book or the seen the movie, so I have no idea if this dance scene goes down before or after the peach fucking scene. Armie is into it, so if this dance scene happens after the peach fucking scene, then I guess eating the combination of peach and jizz gives you tons of energy.
Here’s Timothée and Armie at the BFI London Film Festival premiere of Call Me By Your Name the other night.
By now, everybody has probably heard about the peaches and twink cream scene in the gay love story Call Me By Your Name. But since hearing about a peach fucking scene never gets old, I’ll give you the peach cream details again. In the novel by André Aciman, Elio the American twink fucks a peach while thinking about sexing on Oliver the American graduate student. Oliver walks into Elio’s room a little later, finds the peach and eats it. Oliver is so that bitch who permanently stays next to the peaches and brie plate at a brunch party.
The peach scene made it into the movie version of Call Me By Your Name, but director Luca Guadagnino was going back and forth on whether or not they should shoot it. Luca decided to go for it after finding out first-hand (or first-peen in this case) that ass fucking the peach guts out of a peach is possible.
There used to be a real Crankasaurus Rex on my floor in college who spent his Fridays pregaming with scotch and Fox News and basically screaming about how the country was going to shit because the rest of us were drinking cheap beer and sleeping around and, well, I kind of forget the rest because, well, cheap beer. It was always him face planted outside the dining hall at 3AM because he was too drunk to make it into the chicken finger line, and I’m pretty sure that just about sums up how James Woods works.
James showed he was a Hungry, Hungry Hypocrite the other day for getting all high and mighty about how the love fest between a 24-year-old and a 17-year-old in Call Me By Your Name is icky because he claimed it promoted pedophilia. Armie Hammer, who stars in the movie, pointed out James was 64 when he was porking a teenager, and all of gay Twitter did a giant snap in Z formation at the shade of it all. Because these things always snowball, Joan of Arcadia Amber Tamblyn came out of the woodwork to show God is always watching, especially when James tried to pick her up and take her to Vegas when she was sixteen. James has since denied that shit happened, but Amber is back to show not only is God always watching, he’s keeping a logbook, too. Amber screenshot a text exchange with a friend who backed her side of things, and she also warned James that she’s not putting down her shank anytime soon and went in on him in an open letter. Continue reading
Angry hemorrhoid James Woods loves Twitter more than anything. Yesterday James #tooktotwitter to share his outrage about the upcoming movie Call Me By Your Name starring Armie Hammer. It’s about a love affair set in Italy in the 1980’s between a 24-year-old and a 17-year-old (per Entertainment Tonight, the age of consent there is 14).
Now, you’d think that James would be On. Board. given his well documented career as a geriatric connoisseur of very young women, but for some reason this particular story set him off. What could it be that has him all up in his feelings? Oh, it’s about two men? I see.
I’m sorry, Armie, but you’re much too old and not enough of a lingerie model for Leo.
Kinky bitch Armie Hammer (who I always want to call “Arm & Hammer” because I’m sure he hasn’t heard that before) appeared on Watch What Happens Live. Host Andy Cohen asked him a series of questions about the movie J. Edgar. Armie played Clyde Tolson in the film, who was famed FBI director and glass closet inventor J. Edgar Hoover’s secret lover. Leonardo DiCaprio played J. Edgar Hoover, and they make out in the movie. (You can watch a really poor version of that scene here.) Of course, that’s what all of Andy’s questions were about.
Andy gave us the Real Housewives franchise, so he has little to no shame. He asked Armie whether he popped wood when he and Leo were making out. Despite the absence of rope or ball-gags, the answer was a nod and a definite “yes!” We need more upfront celebs like Armie. He’s into BDSM and possibly bisexual and doesn’t care if you know about it. Although, when it comes to the kinky stuff, I’m not sure he realized people can see what you “like” on Twitter.
You can watch that part of the interview here:
Armie Hammer’s publicist and whoever is in charge of marketing that Lone Ranger disaster should really rub their taint something extra for a job well done, because I haven’t read this much about his vanilla ass since EVER. Here I am thinking that Armie Hammer has the personality of a headless Ken Doll and his publicist is trying to prove me wrong. Armie already told Playboy that when he was single, he liked to get a little rough while boning, but he doesn’t do that anymore now that he’s married, because he respects his feminist wife too much. I look like Andy Cohen today, because my eyeballs are still stuck to the side from all the rolling they did while reading that crap that came out of Armie’s mouth.
Well, Armie is back and is still trying to shed several layers on his “bland as a piece of dehydrated Iceberg lettuce” image. Armie tells Elle (via UsWeekly) that for some reason, people like to pull knives on him. Armie said that when he was in Australia one time, a homeless dude mistook him for someone else and tried to shank up his ass. Armie punched the homeless guy out and stole the knife. Then during Armie’s slut days in L.A., some chick he was boning pulled a knife on him and no, the chick wasn’t Catherine Tramell.
“One chick tried to stab me when we were having sex. I should so not be telling this story. She was like, ‘True love leaves scars. You don’t have any.’ And then she tried to stab me with a butcher knife. Of course I promptly broke up with her. . .seven months later.”
I didn’t know Amanda Bynes and Armie Hammer dated? I wonder if Armie’s wife pulls a knife on him when she tells him to yank her hair during sex and he refuses to, because he respects her too much as a feminist and wife. Speaking of his wife…
Armie comes from old money and his family has gold coins pouring out of all of their orifices. Right after he married his wife Elizabeth, he refused to take money from his family and so they lived on what they made. Armie said that they liked being broke:
“”For a while in our marriage, it was pretty tight and we liked that. We like living sort of hand-to-mouth. It makes you appreciate the time when you don’t have to live like that. We didn’t want to go to my parents and tuck our tails between our legs and be like, ‘Can you help us?’ We wanted to be our own adults. Also, there was once another Hammer, by the name of MC, who spent all of his money really quickly, and I would like to avoid that.”
So I guess Armie went from living hand-to-mouth to living with his foot-in-mouth. I’ve heard people say crap like that before. A rich former boss of mine said to me once something like, “Sometimes I wish I was broke, because it will teach me to appreciate the simpler things in life.” Bitch, shut it. Learn to appreciate your top lip touching your bottom lip. It’s easy for Armie Hammer to say, because living hand-to-mouth for him probably meant he had to buy Grey Poupon instead of eating mustard freshly made by his chefs from a mustard seed plant that grows in the greenhouse. It’s also easy for him to say, because his ass knew he wouldn’t have to live hand-to-mouth forever.
You know what living hand-to-mouth teaches you? That living hand-to-mouth sucks. But you know, I can see this becoming a major trend among the rich. I can see the rich living like the poors for a week to find themselves. Coming Soon: The Hand-To-Mouth Experience by GOOP Travel!