Angelina Jolie Decided To Fulfill Someone’s Feathered 60s Fantasy Last Night (And Other Looks From The Golden Globes)
Almost everyone who walked the Golden Globes red carpet this year wore black to protest Hollywood’s sexual misconduct problem. One thing that wasn’t being protested was good taste. There were a lot of black velvet outfits on that red carpet. Sure, it’s a bit of an obvious choice, but a choice I was absolutely here for, because anything that makes my brain start blasting “Black Velvet” by Alannah Myles gets two thumbs up from me.
But some people went a little more experimental with their all-black interpretation. Like Angelina Jolie, who showed up to the Golden Globes in some goth Lawrence Welk Show realness by Atelier Versace. It’s a little Barbra Streisand at the 1969 Oscars, with a splash of 60s televangelist, all poured onto a fainting couch and garnished with, “But detective, I swear my husband was dead when I found him!”
Actors hungry for that Oscar prepared for hustling season last night by Spanx-ing up their bodies, saying goodbye to real food for a couple of months and gargling with lemon-infused hot water so their voices are moistened up enough for them to talk, talk and talk about how much they suffered while playing the role they should win all the awards for. Of course I’m not lumping Laurie Metcalf with those actors. She doesn’t have to do all that shit, because she’s Laurie Fucking Metcalf and if she wants respect, all she has to do is say, “I played Aunt Jackie in Roseanne.”
Awards season officially started last night with the opening of The Palm Springs International Film Festival, where Jessica Chastain (Chairman’s Awards), everyone involved with The Shape of Water (Vanguard Award), Allison Janney (Spotlight Award), Gary Oldman (Desert Palm Achievement Award, Actor), Mary J. Blige (Breakthrough Performance Award), Holly Hunter (Career Achievement Award), Timothée Chalamet (Rising Star Award), Willem Dafoe (Icon Award) and more were honored.
Laurie Metcalf was there to honor her Lady Bird co-star Saoirse Ronan with the Desert Palm Achievement Award, Actress. We already knew this, but Aunt Jackie is a saint. I mean, she showed up to an award show to give someone else a trophy instead of getting one. A 20-year-old model is probably trapped under a passed out Leonardo DiCaprio right now, because he fainted over the thought of that.
Not only did Laurie Metcalf show up to honor someone else, but she brought the glamour too by wearing what a 90s Taco Bell would wear if it was turned into a human and became the leader of a new age cult.
Here’s more from last night, and you can stop after Suzanne Somers, because the star power and glamour does downhill from there.
In a recent cover story with The Hollywood Reporter, should-be-down-on-his-knees-thanking-the-Hollywood-gods-for-this-unexpected-career-resurgence actor Armie Hammer had some thoughts about the current “Outing Celebrity Pervs Initiative 2017.” Armie appeared in 2016’s Birth of a Nation, a film that was seen by some as on a fast track to an Oscar nom. That was until it was revealed that writer/director/star Nate Parker had been acquitted of rape charges in 2001, with the victim committing suicide in 2012. And that was the last you saw of Birth of a Nation being feted by Hollywood. In the interview, Armie questioned why Nate Parker is now in “director jail” due to the incident resurfacing while Casey Affleck won an Oscar last year. Casey Affleck’s Oscar win was despite the revelation that he had been sued for sexual harassment by two crew members on his 2010 mockumentary I’m Still Here. Brie Larson must have nodded approvingly while reading that story. Continue reading
I guess this is just the week for messes getting drunk and making everything about themselves! After yesterday’s maddening tale of The Unwanted Wedding Guest, today’s offering comes courtesy of Fergie and it’s a doozy! Please put on your protective anti-cringe goggles before proceeding.
Why do I get the feeling that someone on the internet is rushing to edit together a video of Armie Hammer dancing to Britney Spears’ “Toxic” at this very moment.
Armie Hammer deleted his Twitter account earlier this week after a BuzzFeed post made him feel bad feelings. It was a dark day for fans of Armie Hammer’s devastating social media burns. Armie spoke to TheWrap during a screening of Call Me By Your Name in Los Angeles on Tuesday night and was asked why he deleted his Twitter account.
Gays around the country are already clutching their pearls over how that peach fucking scene from Call Me By Your Name is going to play out, but the pearls got a little tighter when the press tour (certainly not camped up to boost those ticket sales from us kweenz) revealed that Armie Hammer’s gonads were too big for those Italian coochie cutters and had to get edited out in post-production. Continue reading