There used to be a real Crankasaurus Rex on my floor in college who spent his Fridays pregaming with scotch and Fox News and basically screaming about how the country was going to shit because the rest of us were drinking cheap beer and sleeping around and, well, I kind of forget the rest because, well, cheap beer. It was always him face planted outside the dining hall at 3AM because he was too drunk to make it into the chicken finger line, and I’m pretty sure that just about sums up how James Woods works.
James showed he was a Hungry, Hungry Hypocrite the other day for getting all high and mighty about how the love fest between a 24-year-old and a 17-year-old in Call Me By Your Name is icky because he claimed it promoted pedophilia. Armie Hammer, who stars in the movie, pointed out James was 64 when he was porking a teenager, and all of gay Twitter did a giant snap in Z formation at the shade of it all. Because these things always snowball, Joan of Arcadia Amber Tamblyn came out of the woodwork to show God is always watching, especially when James tried to pick her up and take her to Vegas when she was sixteen. James has since denied that shit happened, but Amber is back to show not only is God always watching, he’s keeping a logbook, too. Amber screenshot a text exchange with a friend who backed her side of things, and she also warned James that she’s not putting down her shank anytime soon and went in on him in an open letter. Continue reading
Angry hemorrhoid James Woods loves Twitter more than anything. Yesterday James #tooktotwitter to share his outrage about the upcoming movie Call Me By Your Name starring Armie Hammer. It’s about a love affair set in Italy in the 1980’s between a 24-year-old and a 17-year-old (per Entertainment Tonight, the age of consent there is 14).
Now, you’d think that James would be On. Board. given his well documented career as a geriatric connoisseur of very young women, but for some reason this particular story set him off. What could it be that has him all up in his feelings? Oh, it’s about two men? I see.
I’m sorry, Armie, but you’re much too old and not enough of a lingerie model for Leo.
Kinky bitch Armie Hammer (who I always want to call “Arm & Hammer” because I’m sure he hasn’t heard that before) appeared on Watch What Happens Live. Host Andy Cohen asked him a series of questions about the movie J. Edgar. Armie played Clyde Tolson in the film, who was famed FBI director and glass closet inventor J. Edgar Hoover’s secret lover. Leonardo DiCaprio played J. Edgar Hoover, and they make out in the movie. (You can watch a really poor version of that scene here.) Of course, that’s what all of Andy’s questions were about.
Andy gave us the Real Housewives franchise, so he has little to no shame. He asked Armie whether he popped wood when he and Leo were making out. Despite the absence of rope or ball-gags, the answer was a nod and a definite “yes!” We need more upfront celebs like Armie. He’s into BDSM and possibly bisexual and doesn’t care if you know about it. Although, when it comes to the kinky stuff, I’m not sure he realized people can see what you “like” on Twitter.
You can watch that part of the interview here:
Armie Hammer’s publicist and whoever is in charge of marketing that Lone Ranger disaster should really rub their taint something extra for a job well done, because I haven’t read this much about his vanilla ass since EVER. Here I am thinking that Armie Hammer has the personality of a headless Ken Doll and his publicist is trying to prove me wrong. Armie already told Playboy that when he was single, he liked to get a little rough while boning, but he doesn’t do that anymore now that he’s married, because he respects his feminist wife too much. I look like Andy Cohen today, because my eyeballs are still stuck to the side from all the rolling they did while reading that crap that came out of Armie’s mouth.
Well, Armie is back and is still trying to shed several layers on his “bland as a piece of dehydrated Iceberg lettuce” image. Armie tells Elle (via UsWeekly) that for some reason, people like to pull knives on him. Armie said that when he was in Australia one time, a homeless dude mistook him for someone else and tried to shank up his ass. Armie punched the homeless guy out and stole the knife. Then during Armie’s slut days in L.A., some chick he was boning pulled a knife on him and no, the chick wasn’t Catherine Tramell.
“One chick tried to stab me when we were having sex. I should so not be telling this story. She was like, ‘True love leaves scars. You don’t have any.’ And then she tried to stab me with a butcher knife. Of course I promptly broke up with her. . .seven months later.”
I didn’t know Amanda Bynes and Armie Hammer dated? I wonder if Armie’s wife pulls a knife on him when she tells him to yank her hair during sex and he refuses to, because he respects her too much as a feminist and wife. Speaking of his wife…
Armie comes from old money and his family has gold coins pouring out of all of their orifices. Right after he married his wife Elizabeth, he refused to take money from his family and so they lived on what they made. Armie said that they liked being broke:
“”For a while in our marriage, it was pretty tight and we liked that. We like living sort of hand-to-mouth. It makes you appreciate the time when you don’t have to live like that. We didn’t want to go to my parents and tuck our tails between our legs and be like, ‘Can you help us?’ We wanted to be our own adults. Also, there was once another Hammer, by the name of MC, who spent all of his money really quickly, and I would like to avoid that.”
So I guess Armie went from living hand-to-mouth to living with his foot-in-mouth. I’ve heard people say crap like that before. A rich former boss of mine said to me once something like, “Sometimes I wish I was broke, because it will teach me to appreciate the simpler things in life.” Bitch, shut it. Learn to appreciate your top lip touching your bottom lip. It’s easy for Armie Hammer to say, because living hand-to-mouth for him probably meant he had to buy Grey Poupon instead of eating mustard freshly made by his chefs from a mustard seed plant that grows in the greenhouse. It’s also easy for him to say, because his ass knew he wouldn’t have to live hand-to-mouth forever.
You know what living hand-to-mouth teaches you? That living hand-to-mouth sucks. But you know, I can see this becoming a major trend among the rich. I can see the rich living like the poors for a week to find themselves. Coming Soon: The Hand-To-Mouth Experience by GOOP Travel!
Note: If you want a husband who will slap your ass around, yank at your hair, stick a finger up your b-hole, call you a sucio whore and choke you during fuck times, DO NOT EVER marry Armie Hammer. Because as soon as Armie Hammer puts that ring on your finger, he’ll go from using your hair as sex reins while hitting it from the back to softly whispering Shakespearean sonnets in your ear while doing it missionary style with the lights off. Or something like that.
Kathie Lee Gifford’s personal friend (bitch reminds us of this every other 10 minutes on Today) used to love to get into all sorts of kinky sex time add-ons when he wasn’t married, but now that he is somebody’s husband he’s poured ice water on all those urges, because he respects his wife too much. THIS BITCH. Arm & Hammer has said in other interviews that he really gets into tying knots and carries a rope with him at all times, so of course Playboy asked him he ever gets into some Fifty Shades of Grey shit with his wife and he said this:
Well, if you’re married to a feminist [journalist, restaurateur and actress Elizabeth Chambers] as I am, then it’s…. I don’t know how much we can put here without my parents being embarrassed, but I used to like to be a dominant lover. I liked the grabbing of the neck and the hair and all that. But then you get married and your sexual appetites change. And I mean that for the better—it’s not like I’m suffering in any way. But you can’t really pull your wife’s hair. It gets to a point where you say, “I respect you too much to do these things that I kind of want to do.”
So how does his wife feel about having respectful sex?
The two us will literally break out laughing in the middle of it, finish up and be like, “Well, that was oddly fun!” So it becomes a new kind of thing that’s less about “I want to dominate you” and more about both of us having a really good time. It’s just a different style.
Yeah, I don’t get the “breaking out laughing in the middle of it” thing. Usually when you laugh while boning it’s because someone farted or wet queefed, or it’s because you’re doing Jon Gosselin and realized he was serious when he said “yes” after you asked him if it’s all the way in. Some might say that it’s sweet that Armie does it with his wife vanilla-style out of respect, but not me. Can’t you respect me enough to disrespect me during sex times? I’d be pissed if I was Armie’s wife and he didn’t tell me that things would go from Basic Instinct to The Notebook after getting married. Armie should’ve said on the altar, “I promise to love, obey and respect you enough to not pull your hair and call you a dirty slut during sex.” That’s a deal breaker right there.