In my mind, traveling to Italy and consumption of peaches has skyrocketed since Call Me By Your Name, the movie where Armie Hammer and Timothée Chalamet spent a summer frolicking around an Italian mansion while wet humping and demonstrating how dancing was not taught in the Hammer household. Director Luca Guadagnino indicated he was looking into doing a line of sequels. Even André Aciman, the author of the novel of the same name, said he was down with more movies and was even writing a sequel to book. But now Armie is all, “Nah.” I guess he’s still waiting to make another go at The Man From U.N.C.L.E.
Poor Armie Hammer just can’t seem to catch a break (outside of being born rich, blond, and beautiful). It was recently reported that he was in “final talks” to play the role he was practically born to play, a billionaire scion with an impressive collection of rubber suits. The comic book fansite, Revenge of The Fans, reported that Armie was as good as cast as The Batman, taking over for Ben Affleck in the upcoming Matt Reeves reboot. However, faster than you can shout “eat that peach bitch!”, The Wrap pumped the brakes and announced that nothing has been decided yet, and that at 32, Armie is probably too old. I mean, I get how Ben’s 46-year-old dad-bod Batman left room for improvement, but 32 isn’t that old. For a dude. Are they (fingers crossed!) doing a Muppet Babies version or something?
Just because Armie Hammer may SEEM like the guy from a really wealthy family (he is), it doesn’t mean he’s talking their money. What a moron, right? Armie is 32, but he sure sounds 92 sometimes. In a recent interview with British GQ, Armie says he’s not a normal millennial, he’s a cool millennial who gets the dry heaves when he sees avocado toast on a menu. He didn’t say that, but he may as well have since it’s about the only thing he didn’t bitch about. He walked back an apology and maintains people were tacky with their Stan Lee tributes on social media AND wants to remind you he doesn’t take a red cent from his wealthy family.
Earlier this week, Armie Hammer had the internet thinking: “Damn, you were a lot more fun when you were eating peaches and dancing to The Psychedelic Furs” after he came for celebrities posting memorial selfies with the late Stan Lee. Armie held firm that if you posted a picture of yourself with Stan Lee, you were tacky and self-absorbed, and he was above all that. Enough people must have called him by his new nickname (aka Asshat, which we’ll get to in a moment), because he’s now very sorry.
Yesterday the news broke that comic book legend Stan Lee had passed, and many famous people paid their digital respects. I was expecting many tweets playing off his catchphrase “Excelsior!“, but I saw a lot more pictures go up of famous people posing with Stan himself. This didn’t bother me, but it bothered Armie Hammer.
Note that I left out the word “mess,” as there’s no question that the messiest part of the red carpet was most likely the three square feet of space occupied by Ryan Seacrest.
If there was an award for red carpet fashion that makes you question a stylist’s sanity, Nicole Kidman would be that category’s Meryl Streep. Nicole arrived in an Armani Prive gown that does double duty. From the waist-up she’s very mascot of a sexy frozen fish company, and from the waist down I’m getting a reminder to please separate my plastic recyclables from my paper.