Aretha Franklin’s funeral will be held next week, but before that happens, the family must gather around a television set in some opulent, wood paneled, Detroit Deco office somewhere and wait patiently as her lawyer walks in with a video tape and pops it in the VCR to play a very dramatic special message Aretha recorded days prior to her passing. He hits play, everyone is riveted. Who will get the fur collection? But it’s nothing but static.
If y’all were hoping to see an Aretha Franklin tribute last night at the VMAs, erm, Madonna gave a long-ass speech in front of a photo of Aretha about her own career and how she once sang “(You Make Me Feel Like) A Natural Woman.” People got ripshit because Madge was Madge and made it all about her and not really at all about Aretha, but now Madonna has clapped back. Madge said that she wasn’t doing an Aretha tribute – if you want a real tribute, she needs at least a half-hour of cultural appropriation and self-promotion to really do the memorial justice!
Ariana Grande Joked She’d Marry Pete Davidson The Moment They Met, Sang A Tribute To Aretha Franklin
Ariana Grande continues to thrive. Her album just dropped, she’s in love and just last night, she appeared on The Tonight Show With Jimmy Fallon and performed a tribute to Aretha Franklin. Of The Queen of Soul, Ariana said (via People Magazine) “she was so cute”, and now all I want to do is scream into the void. Hello? Is anybody out there?
Ariana also talked about having a crush on her fiance (they haven’t yet earned the grave accent) Pete Davidson, well before they started dating. When you’re young and in love, sometimes you just know it. Much like Pete knew it when he first met Ariana. Oh, and by the way, Aretha Franklin died and Ariana Grande sang the Tonight Show tribute.
If you’re wondering why Amazon has a five-month wait for mourning veils, and flights to Detroit on Kayak are suddenly $20,000 one-way on Southwest, let me tell you why. Aretha Franklin left us on Wednesday night and her family has announced that her funeral will be a four-day (!) affair, including two days of lying in state – open casket! Somewhere in heaven, Evita is fuming “Bitch stole my look.”
Just a few days after Aretha Franklin’s family and publicist confirmed the soul-breaking news that she was getting ready to travel to the heavens to fill the ears of the angels with her legendary voice and legendary charisma (and legendary shade skills), her publicist says she died at her home from advanced pancreatic cancer in Detroit last night.
“In one of the darkest moments of our lives, we are not able to find the appropriate words to express the pain in our heart. We have lost the matriarch and rock of our family. The love she had for her children, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, and cousins knew no bounds.”
Aretha was surrounded by her friends and family at the time. She was 76.
We knew this awful news was coming, but I was still hoping that Queen Aretha would miraculously pop up out of bed, and say, “Get me a pen, some paper, and a carrier pigeon, because I need to let Dionne Warwick how I really feel this time,” before booking a world tour. So my heart free fell and is living in my foot now.
When I woke up to the shitty awful news that Queen Aretha Franklin is quite possibly lying on her death bed and is about to make earth a much worse place (and heaven a much better place), I nearly pulled the sheets over my head and put in an Instacart order to deliver the biggest bottle of vodka available at Costco directly to my bed. Because there’s not a day when I can deal with the news that Aretha Franklin is “gravely ill.” But it’s true and Queen Aretha’s family is asking for prayers, so jump out of bed, slap on the no-budget version of Aretha’s Obama inauguration hat you made with felt and old Barbie earrings, and grab your neighbor’s hand to form the largest prayer circle the planet can take. Don’t say a little prayer, say a lot of prayer.
Showbiz411 says that the Queen of Soul, Shade, Glamour and everything else is in a bad, bad, bad way in Detroit. Evrod Cassimy, an anchor for Detroit’s WDIV TV confirmed the awful news through her family and he says they’ve asked the people to pray for her.