Aretha Franklin did all us pupils at the Skewl of Camp a favor earlier this year when it came out that she faxed over her true thoughts to Dionne Warwick over some lingering beef from Whitney Houston’s funeral. The throwback use of communication would normally deter a normal soul from lobbying any jabs, but no-no, henny. Ms. Patti LaBelle is no normal being, and she’s regretting that gel manicure she got on Monday because it’s Wednesday, and she’s ready to (subtly) sink her claws in to Miss A-Screech-a Franklin. Continue reading
When it comes to icons, there is no one more bad ass or legendary than the Queen of Soul (and shade) Aretha Franklin. Unfortunately, some health concerns have limited her ability to perform since last year and earlier this year she revealed that after 2017 she’ll be hanging up her sparkly titty dresses and no longer touring. So what does an icon do to celebrate her last year killing the game? She loses a ton of weight to remind you hoes that she always comes to slay.
Sometimes a shady queen has so many rivalries to deal with that it takes her a while to blast ’em. It took five years, but Aretha Franklin finally got around to letting the world know that her one (of many) longtime arch rivals Dionne Warwick spit out slanderous lies about her at Whitney Houston’s funeral in 2012. And Queen Aretha slapped at Cousin Dionne in a statement to the AP that she sent via fax machine! An e-mail takes about 1 millisecond to send. As does a text. So you know that you’re really mad at a trick when you go through the trouble of using a fax machine to slam them. And yes, I believe that Queen Aretha sent that fax herself, because she wanted to say, “Take that, bitch!“, when the word “sent” popped up on the machine’s screen.
Last night was the White House Correspondents’ Dinner. President Obama actually made the room, and me, laugh. Larry Wilmore didn’t. Donald Trump was a no show. And there were tons, TONS, of celebrities (and celebrity-adjacents) there. Celebrities love nothing more than being invited to fancy political things because, I imagine, they feel it makes them legitimate. “Well! Mr President Barack Obama thought I was worth his time,” I see some TV actress saying when doors get shut in her face at auditions for shows at about teens played by people in their late-30s. So let’s get down to who was there and what they wore.
After Michael Jackson died, we learned that his sister La Toya Jackson is a skilled private investigator and has the spirit of Sherlock Holmes running through her veins. La Toya became Detective La Toya when she correctly smelled something suspicious about her brother’s death and vowed to get to the bottom of it. Today’s Mt. Everest-sized mountain of sadness has also brought out some new information I never knew before. Aretha Franklin is obviously a board certified physician. Because during an interview about Prince’s death today, she offered up her opinion on what she thinks may have taken him away from us.
“Chile, why is Aretha Franklin buying her lace front wigs from Ali Express,” asked every Black woman in America.
Now before we get into the hilarity, I know what you’re thinking: “Is Michael moonlighting as a Black woman today?” And the answer is no, my love. Instead he’s hired an actual Black woman. My name is Carla and like Michael and fellow owner of a vagina, Allison we’re cut from the same cloth—i.e., we pretty much binge eat every aspect of pop culture for you so you don’t have to. Unlike everyone here, I like my pop culture with a big messy factor and I’m so hoping you’re into some petty shiznit (that and outdated slang that reeks of an older millennial). I just live for the petty and it doesn’t get messier than covering the lives of our modern day soaps in the form of celebrity culture. I’m also heavily into BBC, using words such as “nookie” to refer to any vagina and making arbitrary references. I’m looking forward to underwhelming you with the power of my nookie, so let’s begin and get back to Aretha.