Just in time to make us all think twice this Friday before we grab a glass bottle of vodka to pregame a night at the bar, more details are coming out about Robin Thicke’s upcoming baby with girlfriend April Love Geary. Everyone was a little confused the other day when April announced just six months after giving birth that she was expecting again. I’m still not healed from the last time I did a leg workout six months ago (coincidentally, the last time I went to the gym). Well, we’re finding out the new Thicke baby wasn’t exactly planned – April was on birth control when she got knocked up.
Us Weekly is reporting that April announced on Instagram (she is a millennial, after all) Wednesday, “I started birth control and then one morning I woke up nauseous.” I guess they weren’t fucking around when they try to scare you in middle school by saying you can still get STDs and pregnant (honestly, some might argue pregnancy is an STD…ok, I’ll let myself out) even if you wear condoms and take birth control. The medical experts Us Weekly keeps on retainer Googled their way to the Association of Reproductive Health Professionals’ website and reminded us all that only 0.1% of women properly taking the pill still get pregnant.
People reports April also revealed some sad news during the Instagram Q&A. She suffered a miscarriage before giving birth to her and Robin’s first child, Mia. She says she wasn’t scared or stressed out and that “life happens.” Good attitude to have when a drunk stork later ignores that “Do Not Disturb” sign on your front door in the form of birth control and still delivers a baby.
Ali Wong has a bit in her Netflix special Hard Knock Wife about how women who have had human babies pulled out of their bodies should get a lot of time off from work and everything else, because it takes a while for their insides and outsides to go from “a traumatized me after watching Hereditary while sober” to a “pretty calm me after watching Hereditary while stoned.” But either Robin Thicke’s girlfriend April Geary is not like Ali Wong, or she said, “fuck it till a baby’s made,” because six months after she birthed out her porny-named daughter Mia Love Thicke, she has announced that a new fetus has moved into her baby-baking area.
Aspiring weed farmer Robin Thicke’s girlfriend April Love Geary, 22, gave birth to an unfortunate future custody battle on February 22. As expected, they named their daughter Mia Love Thicke on Feb 22, according to Instagram (and People). Something’s off about that name and it’s probably why the Michael Hunts of the world have already sent Mia sympathy bouquets. And then they sent her some more when they saw her mom’s tacky ass Valentine’s Day photo celebration on IG. In April’s defense, at least she wasn’t posing atop a hooptie inexplicably stuffed with flowers.
Repugnant papa Robin Thicke is about to be a parent again. Robin’s been out of the headlines for a minute after grossing us all out for months during his divorce and extra messy custody battle with Paula Patton. During those early, heady days of 2017, Robin and Paula had all their business up in our grills. Allegations of child abuse, spousal abuse, drug abuse and abuses against common decency were all flung in Robin’s direction, yet his girlfriend April Love Geary still thought it would be a good idea to seal the deal with Robin by putting a Thicke fetus up in her.
You can always count on Frances McDormand to show up in the background and make a face that fully expresses your thoughts.
It’s been a little over a year since Robin Thicke devoted an entire album to trying to get his then-wife Paula Patton back. The album flopped and Paula responded to his pathetic acts of begging by filing for divorce in October 2014. Robin and Paula’s divorce became official in March of this year. 38-year-old Robin started dating his new piece, 20-year-old model type April Love Geary, in October and it seems like he’s moved on, but I’m not sure I would call dating the Nick Jr. version of your ex-wife “moving on.” But whatever, Robin’s douche heart is supposedly wrapped all the way around April and he wants to make her his wife #2.
Life & Style claims that Robin proposed to April and she said yes, because DUH$$$. A source says that Robin knows they haven’t been together for that long, but he doesn’t want to lose her. They also have so much in common. Robin plagiarized Marvin Gaye and she plagiarized Paula Patton’s looks. The source said this:
“Robin’s moving really quick with the relationship. Both his parents have told him to take some time and not rush into marriage again so soon,” the source shares. But he’s not listening to those pleas. “They go almost everywhere together. He’s totally obsessed with her.”
Robin’s rep tells Billboard that it’s not true and he’s not engaged. But I don’t know, Robin seems like the type to have a premature mid-life crisis.
If this turns out to be true, then I hope April convinces Robin to marry without a prenup. Because think of all the torture she’ll have to go through while being married to Robin Thicke. Robin will probably call her Paula, make her wear outfits that Paula wore and tell her to give him a lap dance as Paula while he sings songs from his album Paula. Not to mention that April can’t even legally have a drink when Robin gets on her nerves out in public. The definition of “how dreadful.”
And here’s Robin and April in NYC last June.