This is why we’re losing to China. As a Bostonian, I don’t necessarily get how New Yorkers have heart palpitations if their bagels aren’t from the corner deli, or if their pizza isn’t from some hole-in-the-wall place that likely has failed every health inspection for the last fifty years. I have class, which is why Chili’s is my idea of fine dining. Cough. Anyway, when Apple released a sneak peak of its latest batch of emojis, there was a bagel, which is great because it gives sickos like me another option when trying to signal butt stuff. It looked like a regular, plain bagel you get in the bread aisle at the grocery store, which didn’t phase most of us, but New Yorkers lost it. Apple has since done a do-si-backstep and changed the lewk.
In 2016, Dr. Dre decided to make a semi-autobiographical TV series called Vital Signs, proving that if anything, he’s definitely making a life-long commitment to the whole “doctor” thing. Vital Signs was snatched up by Apple, but CEO Tim Cook has discovered that the show has too much sex, drugs, and violence for his gentle eyes, and he’s no longer interested.
If you have an older iPhone, you might have spent a lot of time recently staring at the screen for extended periods of time. But unlike Derek Hough above, you probably weren’t glued to your phone in a never-ending quest to find the best spray tan salon. Your time would be spent wondering why in the fuck your iPhone got so slow after a software update. Apple recently confessed that they had been intentionally slowing down older iPhones on purpose. Except it totally wasn’t a shady move to get you to upgrade to the latest iPhone, oh no. Apple claims the slow down was to offset problems with an aging lithium battery. Basically, your phone wants to run like a granny smith, but the battery is forcing it to run like a red delicious (aka the worst kind of apple).
It may look like Drake is practicing for the first time he lights the vanilla candles and lets Taylor Swift get familiar with his emergency brake. Get your head out of the gutter! But if anything, he’s probably practicing his moves for when Taylor turns to him and whispers “Let’s get hyper on extra-syrup Shirley Temples and make up a dance routine to S Club 7.”
During the AMAs last night, Apple premiered Drake’s latest grasp for attention in his ongoing maybe-relationship with Taylor Swift. Just like Taylor, Drake shot a sooo goofy commercial for Apple Music. Taylor’s was called Taylor vs. Treadmill, and Drake’s is Drake vs. Bench Press. While attempting to get Australian outback-levels of buff, Drake lip-syncs to Taylor’s Bad Blood.
Taylor held up her end of the PR bargain by posting Drake’s commercial on Instagram with the caption: “Yes @champagnepapi #drakevsbenchpress“. This commercial may be Drake and Taylor’s way of confirming there actually is something between the two of them (poor Doris). Or it’s just a stunt to get Drake, Taylor, and Apple some attention. I guess we’ll never really know!
That commercial is a bit of a reach though. I know Drake loves to cosplay as hard, but popping to Bad Blood was a bit much. If the video for Hotline Bling has taught us anything, it’s that Drake is definitely more of the Zumba-to-Shake It Off type.
Anti-thinking advocate Kanye West is impatient for Apple to hurry up and buy his pal Jay-Z’s music streaming service Tidal. Apple and Beyonce’s husband have reportedly been going back and forth about the potential purchase since last month, according to the Wall Street Journal. Kummy Kakes’ koat karrier feels that by taking their time to think about it (he’s not big on thought process), Apple is withholding music from “the kids.” He might also secretly feel that Tidal is a sinking ship and Apple might be the life raft in which he can join Kathy Bates and Rose’s stuck-up mom to escape watery business death.
The Tidal that we know and a small handful of people love has been around for a little over a year, and it’s kind of been a never-ending mess for Jay Z. Beyonce’s husband tried really hard to convince people his music streaming service wasn’t a total failure, but it’s hard when a bunch of people are getting fired and sued and nosy-ass bitches are showing everyone the receipts. Jay Z has never he wanted to sell Tidal. After all, his wife is still releasing music on it. But it sounds like someone is interested in buying, and that person is Apple.
According to The Wall Street Journal (via New York Post), Apple is reportedly in talks to purchase Tidal. And not because it’s a groundbreaking platform or whatever reason you’d buy Tidal. No, they want Tidal for their big-name artists, like Kanye West and Madonna, and also to chafe at Spotify’s ass a little. Who knew Apple were such bitter bitches? Apple is currently fighting with Spotify over subscribers, and I guess they’re hoping that buying Tidal will make them the more popular table in the lunchroom or something.
So far, the talks are just in the preliminary stages, and nothing serious has happened. Jay Z reportedly purchased Tidal for $56 million, so it’s anyone’s guess as to what Apple will pay. Of course, Tidal wants you to know that Apple isn’t kicking Tidal’s tires and checking the list price online. A spokesperson for Tidal denies that Apple and Tidal are talking.
Apple is the 12 richest company in the world. If they really wanted to buy Tidal, I doubt Jay Z would stop them. After all, mama could always use a new collection of custom-made bodysuits. But if they do buy Tidal, everyone at Apple better have some earplugs handy for when their cheer squad captain Taylor Swift finds out her on-again/off-again frenemy Kanye West has been assigned to the same homeroom as her.