Melanie Griffith Is Fighting Antonio Banderas For Custody Of Their Three Dogs

We’re only ten days into the divorce of Melanie Griffith and Antonio Banderas, and already things are getting Lifetime-levels of dramatic. TMZ says that we’re not too far away from watching the courtroom scene of ‘Not Without My Dogger: The Melanie Griffith Story’, because the exquisite sun-kissed half-melted collagen candle plans to pull her best Tess McGill suit out of storage and fight for the custody of her and Antonio’s three dogs. “Aww, but I wanted to go with the Nasonex Bee” – that dog’s face.

Regardless of when the papers are filed, a divorce between two Hollywood types isn’t official until it turns trashy and they start publicly fighting over shit. Sadly, Melanie and Antonio’s daughter Stella turns 18 in September, so they can’t really fight over her. Thank goodness they have dogs! I was afraid they’d be forced into a messy custody battle for the most important asset accumulated during the course of their marriage: the Antonio tattoo. Watching Melanie and Antonio fight over the future Shroud of Turin on Melanie’s shoulder would have the intensity of 10 Kramer vs. Kramers.

A source (one of the dogs after receiving a Costco-sized bag of Beggin’ Strips from Melanie) tells TMZ that Melanie is the better dog owner and that her fur babies mean the world to her. Personally, I don’t think we need to bring in Judge Toler to decide the fate of Melanie and Antonio’s dogs, because it’s obvious they should stay with Melanie. Any dog that is constantly tempted by Melanie’s glistening canned vienna sausage lips and doesn’t hungrily lunge at them shows they have the utmost respect for their pack leader. Not to mention that Antonio seems like he’s really more of a pussy person.

Melanie Griffith And Antonio Banderas Are Getting A Divorce After 18 Years Of Marriage

Well, here’s some sad, tragic news for those of you who thought that the eternal love between the Nasonex bee and the Botox puppet formerly known as Tess McGill would last as long as the chemicals in her face (read: FOREVER). TMZ says that Melanie Griffith recently filed divorce papers to legally and officially make Antonio Banderas her third ex-husband. Let the river of Botoxed tears RUN!

According to TMZ, Melanie hired divorce attorney to the STAHS Laura Wasser (Side note: TMZ always calls Laura Wasser the “disso-queen” and I always read that as disco queen and I get a little tingle thinking of a divorce attorney arguing in front of a judge while wearing a velvet jumpsuit, gold platform heels and a fro). Melanie threw up the words “irreconcilable differences” next to “reason for quitting that bitch” on the documents. Melanie is asking for spousal support, child support and full custody of their almost 18-year-old daughter Stella. Melanie didn’t list their official break up date. Melanie has been married three times before (twice to Don Johnson) and Antonio was married to that hot bitch Madge was jealous of in Truth or Dare.

Melanie and Antonio got married in May 1996 after she left Don Johnson and he left his wife. Melanie birthed out their daughter a few months later. A couple of years ago, there was a rumor that Melanie and Antonio’s marriage was on its death bed because of her issues with pills and the sweet nectar and his issues with wanting to stick his chorizo in any chocha that didn’t belong to Melanie Griffith. At the time, Melanie and Antonio denied those rumors and here we are now.

A couple of weeks ago, a Spanish tabloid posted pictures of Antonio putting his lips near another trick at Cannes.

I’m guessing that Melanie blamed “irreconcilable differences” as the reason for her married dying like the nerves in her face, because “my husband is a slut and I’m sick of it” wasn’t an option. The L.A. County court system should really add that option.

We can all learn something from this. If you really want to tattoo your piece’s name into your flesh because you think your love is going to last forever, do it at your own risk. It usually ends with you and your wallet screaming in pain as you get laser tattoo removal. But luckily for Melanie, she can get a tattoo artist to easily turn that heart into a slice of pizza and turn “Antonio” into “Totino’s.” That would be a smart move, because the love between a human and frozen pizza never dies.

And here’s Melanie looking as happy and fresh as a wax Madame puppet while posing with Eva Longoria and Rosanna Arquette at AFI’s tribute to Jane Fonda in L.A. last night.

Pics: Wenn.com, Getty

Antonio & Melanie Aren’t Getting A Divorce, So Says People

Depending on who you ask, Melanie Griffith is either throwing a “Pendejo, wipe the skank stank from your chorizo, because I can smell it here from here!” side-eye at Antonio or she’s making a “No, I’m not throwing a side-eye at Antonio, I just made the mistake of Botoxing my eyeballs because they looked wrinkly and now they’re stuck like this for a while” face.

Radar says that Antonio Banderas is thisclose to biting on a black rose, arching his back and salsa walking directly to a divorce lawyer’s office. A source says that Antonio and Melanie’s 15 year marriage is about to crumble into a pile of dusty memories and they’ve been in counseling to try to save it. There’s been rumors that Antonio’s wandering peen is the reason for all their problems, but the source says that their problems started a long time ago. The source went on to say this shit:

“Melanie is absolutely distraught. This was her fairytale and it’s falling apart. They’ve been through rough spots before, so there’s always hope that they’ll get it together and fix this, but right now that is definitely not looking like that is the case. There’s still a lot of love there though, that’s for sure.

It’s not a case of them hating each other but it’s a very hard time for everyone right now. No one really wants to accept that it’s happening, that’s why they’re still keeping it all under wraps.”

But wait! A difference source (aka Melanie and Antonio’s rep calling from a pay phone while wearing a disguise) tells People that Melanie and Antonio are fine and their marriage is not dying like most of the feeling in her face. Antonio is just in Hungary shooting a movie and they’ll be together again soon. “They’re really happy, they’re fine and blah barf blah,” said that source.

Usually, when a source tells People that everything is heart-shaped, rose-scented queefs and that Antonio is not dicking every trick in a 4-mile radius, it’s not a good sign for a marriage. That could just be a PR fart in your eyes. If it is, then hopefully Melanie Griffith will pull herself together, take the Staten Island ferry to Manhattan and start her new life as a serious business woman. Leeeeeeeeeeet the river ruuuuuuuun!