Category: ANTM Crap

Now Old People Can Apply To Be On “America’s Top Model”

April 2, 2017 / Posted by:

Renowned media mogul, Tyra Banks, has practiced the time honored tradition of ageism for years. When her iconic skinny bitch showcase America’s Next Top Model debuted in 2003, there has always been three main simple rules: 1). I am your Queen! 2). At some point I’ma fuck your hair up. 3). Don’t be an old bitch.

Well, rules 1 and 2 are still in full effect, but Tyra has finally done away with rule number 3. She now welcomes contestants of every age to pack their bags (including the ones under their eyes) to smize away for cash prizes and reality supermodel infamy.

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America’s Next Top Model Is Over After 22 Seasons

October 14, 2015 / Posted by:

Never forget the Jane Magazine judge (the dude in the tie) from season 2.

What’s the opposite of smizing? Frowzing? I’m frowzing today, because as someone who has watched every single episode of every single season, this news gives me the sads. It gives me the sads, because it’s the end of a train wreck era and I’m sad because I just reminded myself that I watched every single episode of every single season of America’s Next Top Model. What am I doing with my life?

Somewhere in the offices of The CW recently, an executive stood in front of Tyra Banks and the producers of Beauty and the Beast and said, “I have two of our shows standing before me, but I only have one renewal contract in my hand and this renewal contract represents the show that is going on to next season… Just kidding, you’re both canceled!” The CW announced that they have canceled Beauty and the Beast after four seasons and ANTM after 22 (mostly) foolery-filled seasons. Tyra will no longer have a platform to torture future catalog models (if they’re lucky) by making them do jacked-up photo shoots and by ruining their hair. Before this tragic news was announced, Tyra went on Instagram and tried to act like it was her decision. Oh, typical TyTy Baby!

TYRA MAIL!

Thinking #ANTM #cycle22 should be our last cycle. Yeah, I truly believe it’s time. Our diehard fans know we’ve expanded the definition of beauty, presented what Flawsome is, tooched and booched and boom boom boomed, shown the world how to show their neck, rocked couture/catalogue/commercial poses, have found our (and your) light, strutted countless runways, gone on tons of go-sees, added guys to the girls mix, and have traveled around the globe and back again. Yeah, it’s time. It really is.
Wow, I am SO proud of what Top Model has done.

The final season of ANTM is on right now and the final episode will air on December 4, 12 years after this beautiful trashy mess of a show first premiered on the UPN.

Farewell, ANTM, thank you for giving us the return of Janice Dickinson, Natasha’s truth talk, Nyle’s body, Rebecca’s fainting spell, Tyra’s ultra dramatic “We were all rooting for you!” monologue, the musical masterpiece “Shake Your Body,a busted beard weave and of course the bi-racial butterfly Jade.

Pic: Getty

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Angelea From ANTM Is Suing Tyra Banks For $3 Million

December 11, 2014 / Posted by:

During the finale of America’s Next Top Model: All-Stars in 2011, Tyra Banks announced that one of the three finalists, my favorite Angelea Preston, had been kicked off of the show and wasn’t eligible to win the grand prize of a spread in a Sears circular and an all-expenses paid trip to Paris (TX that is) to walk in a Rue 21 fashion show. No, the prize was a spread in Vogue Italia and a $100,00 contract with Covergirl. Angelea’s disqualification became a greater mystery than “What the hell kind of drugs is Tyra on?” The show never said why Angelea was booted and Angela herself didn’t talk about it for a while. We later found out that Angelea got ejected from the show for being an escort and now she’s getting revenge by suing the shit out of Tyra.

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I Hit It First: The Video

April 29, 2013 / Posted by:

After watching Ray J’s trolltastic video for his musical love letter to Kanye West called “I Hit It First” and after looking at pictures from the Kartrashian’s big fat fame whore holiday in Greece, I don’t know who’s trashier and more desperate for attention?

Ray J makes a case for himself by making a video that is devoted to reminding all of us that his horse shoe dick made Kim Kartrashian the highest paid fame whore on the ho stroll. Ray J should’ve spent less of the video’s $500 budget on luxury car rentals and more on getting a better Kim klone, because that Kim look-alike is lacking. I mean, look at how the Kim klone moves around on that bed. The real Kim has never moved that much in her life. If the Kim klone really wanted to do an authentic Kim K impersonation, she should’ve laid lifeless on that bed like a garden slug that’s just been tasered. And really, nothing is more desperate than using a desperate Kartrashian for attention.

Then there’s the Kartrashian’s vacation in Greece. All of the Kartrashians (sans Kanye and Lamar) are currently terrorizing Mykonos while filming their shit show there. We should never forgive Mother Nature for this, because she had the chance to create a giant whirlpool to hell underneath the Kartrashians’ yacht and she didn’t do it.

All of these pictures are the definition of shameless from Kourtney Kartrashian thinking it’s okay to wear this outfit in public to Kim K acting like she knows how to operate a camera to Pimp Mama Kris openly dancing with the tortured creature she turned into a bumbling wax Chucky Doll.

And to answer my own question in the first paragraph, I don’t know.  I’m not going to try to answer that one. Instead, I’ll stare at this picture and try to figure out who’s winning the battle to the biggest, Kim’s bump or ass?

“Remember When You Almost Killed My Ass In That Lamborghini? Ahahahahaha…”

December 26, 2012 / Posted by:

RiRi was in Barbados a couple of days ago, but I guess that wasn’t getting her enough attention, so she flew to L.A. to be a dumb whore with fellow dumb whore Chris Brown at the Lakers vs. Knicks game at the Staples Center. These STUNT QUEEN ass bitches… My thoughts and prayers are with the poor whores who waited a million hours at the concession stand to buy a foot long hot dog, were all excited about swallowing it and then lost their appetite when they sat down and watched RiRi slobber all over Fist Brown’s foot long. RiRi and Chris Brown ruined a whole lot of Christmases last night.

Chronic dickmatization is a real thing when RiRi is still getting horny over a nasty motherfucker who looks like a zombi Sisquo. Chris Brown’s  outside now matches his inside: dead as shit. Douchebag looks like he should be hooked up to an IV drip full of Ensure. As my favorite philosopher Khia would say, “He looks like he got dat thunda lightning.

And RiRi just had to act all EXTRA for the cameras. Why couldn’t a basketball go rogue and hit Fist Brown in the face? Fuck you, basketball for not doing that.

Lindsay Lohan Punched A Woman Over This

November 29, 2012 / Posted by:

TMZ, Radar and UsWeekly all have different stories for why Lindsay Lohan punched Tiffany Eve Mitchell (Side note: I just knew her name was going to be Tiffany or Crystal.) at Avenue in NYC early this morning.

UsWeekly says that LiLo bopped a bitch in the face, because she wanted to sit in the VIP section and Tiffany’s purse and coat were in the way. They got into a fight after Tiffany refused to move her stuff. The old LiLo would’ve stolen that purse and coat and traded them in for a baggie of the bad shit, but since she’s trying to be a different kind of mess, she punched Tiffany in the face instead.

Radar says that LiLo not only had the sweet nectar running through her veins, but she was also filling her nostrils with coke. We all know that LiLo turns on the “cunt” when she’s high on coke, so she snapped when Tiffany asked to take a picture with her. LiLo refused to pose with Tiffany, so Tiffany shrugged and kept dancing with her friends. LiLo wouldn’t let it go and later on, she shoved Tiffany before throwing a fist. LiLo kicked, screamed and spit at Tiffany until the fight was broken up.

And TMZ has the best and most pathetic reason for why LiLo kissed probation goodbye by attacking someone. Their source says that LiLo has had her brown eye, crack eye and all her eyes on Max from The Wanted for a while now. (The Wanted is that British boy band who isn’t One Direction.) The Wanted opened for Justin Bieber at Madison Square Garden last night and so LiLo went there to try to get a piece of Max. After she was denied from going backstage, she met up with Max and the other dudes from The Wanted at a bar. They partied at the bar and then all went to Avenue. As the morning went on, LiLo’s drunk ass got sloppier and sloppier, and Max wasn’t exactly looking for a ho to barf on his dick during sex times. So Max started hitting on Tiffany, which made LiLo ragey and we all know what happened next. Max ended up leaving the club with a piece who wasn’t LiLo or Tiffany.

This is how dumb LiLo is. Scrappin’ over some dick that she’s never even had. How are you going to fight for some dick if you don’t even know whether or not the dick is good? The dick might not even be worth getting into a Rock-Paper-Scissors fight over, let alone a fist fight. Any self-respecting slut would’ve asked to taste test the dick before slapping a trick over it. Getting done in by dick is tragic on its own, but getting done in by dick that you haven’t even done is extra tragic. And yes, you high school theater students can use that last tongue twisting sentence for your vocal warm-ups.

Also, the Santa Monica City attorney just hit LiLo with 3 charges for lying to the cops after crashing her Porsche into an 18-wheeler. Add that to her assault charge from this morning and that’s 4 criminal charges on the same day. White Oprah, please take a bow, because you have raised a true winner!

Here’s Tiffany Eve Mitchell looks Jerseylicious chic while leaving the police station this morning.

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