It’s not often that the universe conspires to do us a favor but it must feel really sorry for us right now because it’s thrown us a tasty bone. I nearly plotzed (oh who am I kidding, I plotzed like a bitch) when I read in Entertainment Weekly that one of my favorite shows of all time, America’s Next Top Model was going to have a crossover episode with my absolute favorite show of all time RuPaul’s Drag Race in it’s upcoming Cycle 24. As we already know, Tyra Banks is back, and joining her will be Noted Fashion Photographer Nigel Barker, Ashley Graham, and Drew Elliott. Also, since both ANTM and Drag Race are on Vh1 now, there will be a crossover episode starring Katya, Valentina and Manila Luzon.
Renowned media mogul, Tyra Banks, has practiced the time honored tradition of ageism for years. When her iconic skinny bitch showcase America’s Next Top Model debuted in 2003, there has always been three main simple rules: 1). I am your Queen! 2). At some point I’ma fuck your hair up. 3). Don’t be an old bitch.
Well, rules 1 and 2 are still in full effect, but Tyra has finally done away with rule number 3. She now welcomes contestants of every age to pack their bags (including the ones under their eyes) to smize away for cash prizes and reality supermodel infamy.
Never forget the Jane Magazine judge (the dude in the tie) from season 2.
What’s the opposite of smizing? Frowzing? I’m frowzing today, because as someone who has watched every single episode of every single season, this news gives me the sads. It gives me the sads, because it’s the end of a train wreck era and I’m sad because I just reminded myself that I watched every single episode of every single season of America’s Next Top Model. What am I doing with my life?
Somewhere in the offices of The CW recently, an executive stood in front of Tyra Banks and the producers of Beauty and the Beast and said, “I have two of our shows standing before me, but I only have one renewal contract in my hand and this renewal contract represents the show that is going on to next season… Just kidding, you’re both canceled!” The CW announced that they have canceled Beauty and the Beast after four seasons and ANTM after 22 (mostly) foolery-filled seasons. Tyra will no longer have a platform to torture future catalog models (if they’re lucky) by making them do jacked-up photo shoots and by ruining their hair. Before this tragic news was announced, Tyra went on Instagram and tried to act like it was her decision. Oh, typical TyTy Baby!
Thinking #ANTM #cycle22 should be our last cycle. Yeah, I truly believe it’s time. Our diehard fans know we’ve expanded the definition of beauty, presented what Flawsome is, tooched and booched and boom boom boomed, shown the world how to show their neck, rocked couture/catalogue/commercial poses, have found our (and your) light, strutted countless runways, gone on tons of go-sees, added guys to the girls mix, and have traveled around the globe and back again. Yeah, it’s time. It really is.
Wow, I am SO proud of what Top Model has done.
The final season of ANTM is on right now and the final episode will air on December 4, 12 years after this beautiful trashy mess of a show first premiered on the UPN.
Farewell, ANTM, thank you for giving us the return of Janice Dickinson, Natasha’s truth talk, Nyle’s body, Rebecca’s fainting spell, Tyra’s ultra dramatic “We were all rooting for you!” monologue, the musical masterpiece “Shake Your Body,” a busted beard weave and of course the bi-racial butterfly Jade.
During the finale of America’s Next Top Model: All-Stars in 2011, Tyra Banks announced that one of the three finalists, my favorite Angelea Preston, had been kicked off of the show and wasn’t eligible to win the grand prize of a spread in a Sears circular and an all-expenses paid trip to Paris (TX that is) to walk in a Rue 21 fashion show. No, the prize was a spread in Vogue Italia and a $100,00 contract with Covergirl. Angelea’s disqualification became a greater mystery than “What the hell kind of drugs is Tyra on?” The show never said why Angelea was booted and Angela herself didn’t talk about it for a while. We later found out that Angelea got ejected from the show for being an escort and now she’s getting revenge by suing the shit out of Tyra.
After watching Ray J’s trolltastic video for his musical love letter to Kanye West called “I Hit It First” and after looking at pictures from the Kartrashian’s big fat fame whore holiday in Greece, I don’t know who’s trashier and more desperate for attention?
Ray J makes a case for himself by making a video that is devoted to reminding all of us that his horse shoe dick made Kim Kartrashian the highest paid fame whore on the ho stroll. Ray J should’ve spent less of the video’s $500 budget on luxury car rentals and more on getting a better Kim klone, because that Kim look-alike is lacking. I mean, look at how the Kim klone moves around on that bed. The real Kim has never moved that much in her life. If the Kim klone really wanted to do an authentic Kim K impersonation, she should’ve laid lifeless on that bed like a garden slug that’s just been tasered. And really, nothing is more desperate than using a desperate Kartrashian for attention.
Then there’s the Kartrashian’s vacation in Greece. All of the Kartrashians (sans Kanye and Lamar) are currently terrorizing Mykonos while filming their shit show there. We should never forgive Mother Nature for this, because she had the chance to create a giant whirlpool to hell underneath the Kartrashians’ yacht and she didn’t do it.
All of these pictures are the definition of shameless from Kourtney Kartrashian thinking it’s okay to wear this outfit in public to Kim K acting like she knows how to operate a camera to Pimp Mama Kris openly dancing with the tortured creature she turned into a bumbling wax Chucky Doll.
And to answer my own question in the first paragraph, I don’t know. I’m not going to try to answer that one. Instead, I’ll stare at this picture and try to figure out who’s winning the battle to the biggest, Kim’s bump or ass?
RiRi was in Barbados a couple of days ago, but I guess that wasn’t getting her enough attention, so she flew to L.A. to be a dumb whore with fellow dumb whore Chris Brown at the Lakers vs. Knicks game at the Staples Center. These STUNT QUEEN ass bitches… My thoughts and prayers are with the poor whores who waited a million hours at the concession stand to buy a foot long hot dog, were all excited about swallowing it and then lost their appetite when they sat down and watched RiRi slobber all over Fist Brown’s foot long. RiRi and Chris Brown ruined a whole lot of Christmases last night.
Chronic dickmatization is a real thing when RiRi is still getting horny over a nasty motherfucker who looks like a zombi Sisquo. Chris Brown’s outside now matches his inside: dead as shit. Douchebag looks like he should be hooked up to an IV drip full of Ensure. As my favorite philosopher Khia would say, “He looks like he got dat thunda lightning.“
And RiRi just had to act all EXTRA for the cameras. Why couldn’t a basketball go rogue and hit Fist Brown in the face? Fuck you, basketball for not doing that.