But let’s be honest, I already posted the trailer for the REAL Captain America: Civil War in today’s Hot Slut of the Day post. The King of Black Friday Jarvis Johnson is the real Captain America and this country’s real Civil War is the Black Friday battle. But anyway, Chris Evans and giant bag of money with a goatee Robert Downey Jr. were on Jimmy Kimmel Live! last night to make nerds shoot chunky cum loads of excitement by presenting the trailer for that Civil War movie. If you’ve got a nerd in your life and they’re hosting Thanksgiving this year, you better sniff the gravy before pouring it on your mashed potatoes, because who knows what they shot in there while watching this:
I saw explosions, I saw Chris Evans’ huge arms looking like pantyhose stuffed with melons, I saw the Black Panther looking a little wonky-eyed (he may be part Siamese Cat) and I saw ScarJo saying something along the lines of, “Do you really want to do this?” A lot of times in action and superhero movies, there’s a trick saying, “Do you really want to do this?” to the main hero. Stupid ass! Of course they want to do this! If they don’t, there will be no movie, which means there will be no money, which means you’ll have to fly commercial with the peasants, because you won’t be able to afford a private jet. Don’t ask that shit!
But what I mostly saw while watching that trailer is a team of workers building a 50,000 square foot addition next to RDJ’s money vault, because he’s going to need a whole lot more room to store all the cash he’s going to make from this.
On last night’s episode of that lip-synching show that’s not RuPaul’s Drag Race, two magical things happened:
1. Anthony Mackie stripped down to a Spandex onesie while mouthing his lips to MC Hammer’s 2 Legit 2 Quit and his calzone titties quickly stole the show by bouncing up and down as he served up some hot moves. Those jumping chest dumplings hypnotized me into motorboating the screen.
2. Joseph Gordon-Levitt nailed his Rhythm Nation Janet Jackson impersonation right down to the rouge that made it look like heavenly angels scooted across his cheeks right after they went caca. JGL gave it like he’s been waiting for this day since his 8-year-old self danced to Rhythm Nation in front of his bedroom mirror.
LL Cool J is probably stunned, because his tip got moist from seeing JGL as Janet Jackson and he doesn’t know how to process that.
By “it,” I’m not talking about that poster. I’m also not talking about Billy Bob Thornton’s sixth wife Connie Angland. I’m also also not talking about that ball of lit-up dildos in the background. (Although, I’d totally hit every piece of that.) I’m talking about Billy Bob Thornton himself.
Last night was the Hollywood premiere of Our Brand Is Oscar Bait and Billy Bob Thornton really overdressed for it. It’s just a damn stupid premiere for a stupid movie. He didn’t have to go all out like that. I’m sure the other dudes there shrank into a pile of inadequacy when they saw BBT looking like he was about to have caviar and champagne with THE QUEEN. USA Today asked Billy Bob why he showed up dressed like a hip old dude trying to fit in with the youngins’ at a small town gay bar and he said that it’s simple. He’s all out of two things: Shirts with sleeves and fucks to give.
“Every time I try to dress up, I get there and go ‘Why did I dress up?’. I don’t think it matters. And this is kinda the way I dress, so I figure, come as myself.”
Billy Bob’s look is a little bit “lazy Linda Perry cosplay” and equal parts “truck stop ladies bathroom peeping tom” and “Florida meth dealer who also sings the lead in a Buckcherry cover band.” Usually, I’d be into those looks, but no, I would not hit it. I have furniture in my bedroom that was made before the 1950s, and I would not move it just so Billy Bob could bust a nut instead of busting a panic attack.
Here’s a million more pictures from last night’s premiere including some of Sandra Bullock, her dog shit vigilante man and George and Amal Clooney.
Fresh off of his “joke” about how he’s definitely drinking Donald Trump’s Kool-Aid, Anthony Mackie is back to give us more drops of wisdom from his mind. While promoting Our Brand Is Crisis (aka The Lady From The Blind Side Goes To Bolivia), Anthony did an interview with The Daily Beast where he said that democracy isn’t for every country and some people just need a dictator. Um, how Anthony Mackie hasn’t been added to the cast of The View is beyond me! Anthony didn’t stop there. He gave his thoughts about who should direct the Black Panther movie.
In case you’re not a Marvel nerd, Black Panther is a superhero who used to be the king of a fictional African nation. Chadwick Boseman is playing the title role in the Black Panther movie and Ava DuVernay, the director of Selma, was rumored to be in talks to direct it. She denied that shit and said she isn’t going to direct it. Anthony, who plays The Falcon in the Marvel movies and begged to be Black Panther, tells The Daily Beast that he doesn’t think the movie necessarily needs a black director. And then he gave an analogy that truly made me laugh out loud:
“I don’t think it’s important at all. As a director your job is to tell a story. You know, they didn’t get a horse to direct Seabiscuit! The thing is I don’t think the race of the director has to do with their ability to tell a story. I think it’s all about the director’s ability to be able to relate to that story and do it justice. I think men can direct women, and two of my greatest work experiences were with female directors. So I think it all depends. May the best man—or woman—win.”
I laughed, but Anthony did make me think. I mean, Seabiscuit should’ve been directed by a horse. Damn us humans for taking jobs away from horses! I thought Seabiscuit was awful, but I’m sure I would’ve loved it if a horse directed it. If anything, I would’ve loved the behind-the-scenes footage showing Martin Horsese directing Tobey Maguire. Thank you, Anthony Mackie, for giving me this image.
And now that Anthony mentions it, the Black Panther movie should be directed by an actual panther.
Yes, Anthony Mackie is one of those who wants his girlfriend to call him “daddy.”
Anthony Mackie’s mouth is on a roll! Anthony Mackie’s mouth got him into some shit the other day when he said in an interview with theGrio that Selma got snubbed at the Oscars, because people are tired of being bombarded with race. Anthony also said that black guys with dreadlocks shouldn’t be surprised when the police think they’re up to no good and they’re part of the police violence problem. Anthony cried that he was lied to and he was promised that his words were off the record, but theGrio delivered the receipts in the form of video of the interview that proved otherwise. And well, his mouth is back!
Anthony was on Wendy Williams and she brought up his thoughts on gender roles. Anthony, who has been with his girlfriend since the 2nd grade, told Wendy that he’s Southern so he believes that if a dude mows the lawn and opens up her car door, his woman better make him a goddamn sandwich and she better call him daddy. Even Wendy said that she’s grossed out by chicks who call their man “daddy.” But Anthony kept on and kept on and said that men want to be called daddy and they want that sandwich! The daddy and sandwich talks starts at around the 5:25 mark:
Kaley Cuoco just fell in love for real.
Never mind that you’re probably looking at me like, “Michael, stop playing and don’t act like you’ve never called a dude daddy before, you nasty, gross slut,” what is it with these “make me sammy” types always wanting a simple sandwich. It is 2015 and they should go harder. I mean, if they’re going to be doing hard labor like open a car door and push a lawn mower, they should except more than a simple sandwich. They should expect their woman to make the bread herself, slaughter the pig for the ham, grow her own lettuce, whip a bunch of eggs into mayo and while she’s doing that, she better iron his chonies before stitching the words “my daddy” into them. All he wants is a simple sandwich? Come on, Anthony!
And when Wendy asked Anthony what kind of sandwich his woman makes for daddy, he said, “Ham usually, but she adds this delicious spread that’s pretty slimy and green. Daddy loves it!“