Category: Ansel Elgort

Ansel Elgort’s Bulge Got Him Trending On Twitter

March 31, 2020 / Posted by:

One possible anagram of Ansel Elgort is Enlarge Slot, which may actually be quite fitting. According to The Internet, anyone finding themselves with the opportunity to receive Ansel’s Elgort, may need to do just that. We are getting reports that Baby Driver’s gear shift is a baby’s arm. I know these are dry and flaccid times we are living in, and as such, I’m horrified to report that The Internet has decided that inspecting Ansel’s bulge with such scrutiny that he would up trending on Twitter, was a good use of its time. And the consensus is that DJ Adolescent Jared Kushner is packing meat.

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Open Post: Hosted By Rita Moreno In Steven Spielberg’s “West Side Story”

March 16, 2020 / Posted by:

Steven Spielberg’s take on West Side Story (which is obviously something we’ve ALL been asking for) is scheduled to hit theaters on December 20, 2020, and well, by then, we may not be able to see it since we’ll all be too busy fighting other dirty-assed bitches over the last bottle of life elixir (aka booze). But there’s a chance that coronavirus won’t bring on the end of times, so 20th Century Fox is keeping the promo train running and has given Vanity Fair several stills and set pics from Spielberg’s WSS including a couple of ageless Puerto Rican blossom Rita Moreno, who won an Oscar for playing Anita in the original 1961 movie. Sadly in this one, Rita doesn’t play an abuelita-aged Anita, who has spent decades fight training and preparing for the moment when she’ll return to NYC to get back at the pepaw-aged Jets for raping her. This ain’t WSS 2: Anita’s Revenge, unfortunately.

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Ansel Elgort Fans Called His “West Side Story” Co-Star Rachel Zegler A Homewrecker

October 4, 2019 / Posted by:

Despite being an actor/DJ/model/”singer and his inability to grow a mustache, Ansel Elgort has his own rabid fandom. And surprise, surprise, they’re lunatics. Ansel will be starring as Tony in Steven Spielberg’s upcoming film remake of West Side Story. His co-star, the Maria to his Tony, is 18-year-old Rachel Zegler, an unknown who won the role in an open casting call. So at least one of them can sing. This should be a huge moment for Rachel, but it’s been sullied by the Elgort hive. After Ansel’s recent announcement that he is interested in pursuing platonic relationships with women who aren’t his girlfriend (aka friendships, you dummy), the nation of Elgortstan jumped in to call Rachel a homewrecker after she tweeted innocuous praise for her co-star. According to The Daily Mail, it was bad enough that Rachel decided to take a break from Twitter. All of which begs the question, him?

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Ansel Elgort Is Looking For An Open Relationship Without The Sex

October 1, 2019 / Posted by:

Are you a lady who dreams of butterflies in your stomach as you stare into Ansel Elgort’s eyes, but without the risk of it leading to a sweaty Ansel asking “Yo girl, pass me a kleenex?” from the left side of a floor-based mattress? Well are you ever in luck, because Ansel Elgort is looking for non-sexual love. The only thing is, he’s also currently in love with his high school sweetheart, Violetta Komyshan. But Ansel has a solution, and it involves non-sexual polyamory.

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Who Will Play Elvis Presley In Baz Luhrmann’s Biopic?

July 2, 2019 / Posted by:

A biopic about the late Elvis Presley is currently in the works, courtesy of Baz Luhrmann and Warner Bros., because there haven’t been nearly enough movies and TV shows about Elvis. Deadline and The Hollywood Reporter say that Baz and Warner Bros. are currently testing several actors for the part of Elvis, and they have a list of the five actors who could potentially shake their hips and mumble “Thunkyuh vurry mush” over the deafening sound of teen girl screams.

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Ansel Elgort Exposed His Selfie On Instagram

May 29, 2019 / Posted by:

Actor. Artist. DJ. Thirst trap? Those are all words that now come to mind when I think of Ansel Elgort (in addition to the apt anagram Legal Stoner). Ansel was apparently feeling himself in all his Muppet Babies Val Kilmer Real Genius era realness and #IgnitedInstagram with a series of topless selfies for reasons unknown to anybody other than Alsel Elgort. Fellow actor. Artist. Artist. DJ. Thirst Trap Idris Elba please take note and follow suit!

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