Immediately after I read those words in Mindy Kaling’s Vogue interview, I ran around my house collecting all the candles I could, assembled a makeshift shrine out of a picture of Indigo from Rainbow Brite, an old DVD containing 6 burned episodes of The Office, a half-empty can of Diet Coke, a very empty bag of Doritos, and prayed that Anna Wintour hasn’t yet read the part of her interview where she dares to speak the six most offensive words one could ever say in the pages of Vogue. Bravery, thy name is Mindy Kaling:
“There’s a whole list of things I would probably change about myself. For example, I’m always trying to lose fifteen pounds. But I never need to be skinny. I don’t want to be skinny. I’m constantly in a state of self-improvement.”
Or maybe Anna has read it, but hasn’t yet had time to mark Mindy for death because she’s been too busy hanging out with Remus and Romulus. Then again, maybe reading the words “lose fifteen pounds” was enough to keep Mindy in her good graces. After all, Anna Wintour’s definition of ‘skinny’ is probably a picture of a sick science class skeleton (which would define “thin” as a healthy 80-90lbs, and “slim” as teetering on the edge of obese). There’s a good chance she read ‘I don’t want to be skinny’ and lovingly hissed: “Of course not, my dear! The goal isn’t skinny; it’s slenderly gaunt.”
Regardless, just to be safe, I’ll be thumbing a rosary for her all night (ew, not like that).
And they would have had all 4, but Kris Jenner wasn’t able to reschedule her appointment with Satan (it’s tax time and he’s suuuuper busy). So it was just a greasum threesome between frightening lifelike praying mantis Anna Wintour, human basket of kittens Kanye West, and the heavily-sedated slow-roasted turkey leg know as Kim Kardashian. Anna, Kanye, and Kim all went out to celebrate successfully pulling off the world’s most elaborate and rotten April Fool’s prank by going out for dinner and bathing in the blood of a sacrificial ram slaughtered beneath the pits of Hell. I’m just speculating, of course; I didn’t actually see them eating dinner.
Some of you may be looking at Kim and wondering what in the name of The Sock One would posses someone to go out for a fancy dinner in nothing but her underwear and a dining room table runner. It’s just Kim’s way of reminding everyone that just because her kurdled milk ass has graced the cover of a high-class magazine like Vogue, she’s still the same old hooker-looking call girl you know and love. For more information regarding pricing and services, please contact Pimp Mama Kris at 1-800-KIMPIMP.
Here’s more of the Triad of Terror out for dinner last night. I’m having trouble trying to figure out exactly what color Kim’s sausage casing is, because it’s not quite green and it’s not quite brown. Hideous taupe? Is hideous taupe a color? Rotten tuna caught in a net of trash? Hold on, let me get out my 64 box of Crayolas…
Supermodel, proud mega bitch and gold medal-winning BlackBerry-thrower Naomi Campbell was on Australia’s The Morning Show today and since she’s been on the cover of US Vogue before, she was asked for her thoughts on the cover that will soon grace the bottom of thousands of birds cages. If you’re Nan from American Horror Story: Coven and can read minds, you’d probably hear a tornado of fuck words forming in Naomi’s head as she turns on her filter. You can see the words, “Fuck Kanye! Fuck Kim! Fuck Anna! Fuck Vogue!,” form in Naomi’s brain and after they pass through her filter, she says, “I do not want to comment.” And then she let out a blood-freezing, bitchified villainess cackle that’d even make Lucifer’s fluffer Pimp Mama Kris run for cover. Here’s Kylie and Naomi’s little conversation about the “Nail in the Coffin” issue of Vogue.
Kylie: What do you think of Kim and Kanye’s US Vogue cover, given that you have been on the cover yourself countless times?
Naomi: I do not want to comment.
Naomi: Bahahahahahahahhahaaa…. Because I am a fashion model and I’ve been working for 28 years. When you get a Vogue cover, it’s a build in your career, it’s a stepping stone to achieve that. I’m a fashion model, so what more can I say?
Kylie: So you think that Kim and Kanye haven’t earned the right to be on the cover of Vogue?
Naomi: Those are YOUR words. I’m being politically correct. That’s Anna Wintour’s choice to put them on the cover of her magazine. Who’s to question it?
Kylie: Well, I just did.
Naomi’s only response should’ve been this:
Yes, Naomi, snatch the stubble off of Kanye’s bald head with that cackle. Yes, Naomi, yank Kim’s hair until her hairline is on a missing poster next to your hairline. That GIF should really be filed as the official response to that cover.
And in case you didn’t hear it the first time or the second time, Naomi is A. FASHION. MODEL. A. FASHION. MODEL. So she knows!
Anna Wintour took a little time away from editing the May issue of Vogue with Courtney Stodden on the cover (I WISH!!!) to release her editor’s note explaining why she decided to put a soulless, hallowed out, talentless wax mannequin with the personality of popped bubble wrap on the April cover. Anna could’ve just said, “Um, I put Blake NotSoLively on the cover of Vogue TWICE, so putting soulless mannequins on the cover is sort of my thing as of late,” and we’d all be like, okay, okay, you’re right. But instead, the head madam of the Death Eaters spewed out some lukewarm shit about how Kim Kartrashian and Kanye West are currently the sheer definition of influential. Methinks Anna hasn’t been getting her usual supply of virgin’s blood and her brain isn’t operating at its fullest, because I’m pretty sure she’s mixing up “influential” and “influenza.” Here’s a piece of her note:
“Part of the pleasure of editing Vogue, one that lies in a long tradition of this magazine, is being able to feature those who define the culture at any given moment, who stir things up, whose presence in the world shapes the way it looks and influences the way we see it. I think we can all agree on the fact that that role is currently being played by Kim and Kanye to a T. (Or perhaps that should be to a K?)
As for the cover, my opinion is that it is both charming and touching, and it was, I should add, entirely our idea to do it; you may have read that Kanye begged me to put his fiancee on Vogue’s cover. He did nothing of the sort. The gossip might make better reading, but the simple fact of the matter is that it isn’t true.”
Death Eater, please. Here are the 4 reasons why Anna Wintour did it:
1. Every time she’d open her closet to pull out another $3,000 dress to wear, Kanye would pop out and scream, “PUTKIMONVOGUE!” Every time she opened up the door to the basement that’s full of the blood slaves she feeds from, Kanye would pop out and scream, “PUTKIMONVOGUE!” It screwed with her appetite, so she finally gave in.
2. Even though she’s a die-hard Death Eater, putting Kim on the cover gives her bonus points with the Illuminati.
3. Anna is a future-seer and knew that Buffy the Vampire Slayer would hate this. Buffy has killed a few of Anna’s kind, so this is payback.
4. She knows that shit will sell. Pimp Mama Kris will buy at least 200,000 copies to wallpaper the outside of her whore house headquarters with. And every medical professional will use the cover to treat patients with constipation. One look at Kim on the cover of Vogue and BOOM the runs.
Here’s Vogue’s newest
darling dingle going camera shopping while wearing a dress that a Midwestern, pregnant high school senior wore to her prom in 1968. The hell is she doing with her hands? Did someone ask her how wide her vag is or is she trying to make the Illuminati sign. Bitch can’t even make the Illuminati sign right.
And now Anna Wintour has officially officially entered the “fuck it” phase of her reign at Vogue. It really happened. Lazy amateur porn star turned fame whore of all fame whores Kim Kartrashian is on the cover the magazine that Pimp Mama Kris is going to roll up, lube up and fuck herself with until the end of time. I guess Kanye West threatened to release incriminating pictures of Anna Wintour buying fake UGGs from Walmart (or swallowing something other than virgin’s blood), because that’s the only reason I can come up with for this happening. That cover looks like the cover of a catalog from a David’s Bridal franchise in the 9th Circle of HELL. But I do love how Kanye’s hands are keeping a safe distance from Kim’s kooch. Of course, Kim is never going to stop barfing and queefing at the mouth about this and she immediately twatted about it. Newsflash, whore, you haven’t breathed for at least a couple of years since your body has been suffocating in a cocoon of Spanx.
Vogue also shat up a behind-the-scenes video which North West makes a cameo in. This is probably the fourth time (I’m being genius) that North has seen her parents in person. If that isn’t a “Harpo, who deez people?” look, I don’t know what is.
And Posh Beckham was just put on suicide watch.
Not pictured: Kunty Karl barking at his human to take as many pictures as possible so he can run back to the Death Eaters’ lair and cackle about this with his kind.
At the Valentino show in Paris yesterday, Anna Wintour, who normally makes a question mark with her face when you say the words, “second row,” or, “larger than a size double zero,” sat behind the first row. I didn’t think that moment would ever happen in real-life. Seeing Anna Wintour sitting in a row other than the first row tells me that anything in life is possible. Maybe I will actually publish a post that doesn’t have at least 2 fucks up in it! Maybe Lindsay Lohan will actually cut the bullshit! Maybe John Travolta will actually say Idina Menzel’s name right and wear a wig that doesn’t look like roadkill! Anything is possible!
But in a shocking twist, Anna wanted to sit in the second row. Christina Binkley of the Wall Street Journal, who Instagrammed that picture, says that Anna took her ass to the second row when the first row got too crowded. BryanBoy (via The Cut) added that Anna let Vogue’s editors sit in the front row and she gladly sat in the second. Anna’s editors took her up on her offer, to which I say, IDIOTS! It’s kind of like if you went to Outback with Jessica Simpson and she ordered 3 bloomin’ onions to start for the table (there’s only two of you at the table, by the way) and after you’ve eaten 2 together, she tells you to go ahead and have the 3rd one by yourself. She doesn’t want any of it. She’s fine! Whatever she says, don’t do it. IT’S A TRAP! She’ll eventually end up eating it right out of your stomach. So yeah, those Vogue editors are totally going to get it.
Since Anna Wintour sitting in the front row is something that will never happen again, I hope the lady sitting directly in front of her took full advantage of the opportunity by dropping a huge fart. Because when Anna Wintour sits behind you, it’s your duty to lift up your ass cheeks and let a good one go.
And here’s Anna Wintour showing up to Chanel’s messy Supermarket Sweep show yesterday. She sat in the first row, so the world can keep spinning again.
“Why? WHHYYYY? She knew I worked so hard on turning Kim into a fashion icon. I took a lumpy goblin-tramp, power washed off 4 of her 8 layers of skank, and created a sophisticated beauty that makes Grace Kelly look like an damp pile of used diapers. Ricardo, why would she do this to me??” Then Riccardo Tisci softly stroked his head (no comment) and whispered: “There, there. Shhh, don’t cry. It’s not worth crying about, Kanye. There’s always Elle; maybe she’ll get on the cover of Elle?”
Things will no doubt be very awkward at the Kardashian-Jenner dinner table this evening after Kendall Jenner (the nipples one, not the Marla Hooch one) uploaded this picture of her sitting in the front row of the Topshop Unique show with Anna Wintour to Instagram yesterday. Sitting beside Anna Wintour at a fashion show either means you’re going to be on the cover of Vogue, she wanted a snack and chose to eat your soul, or both. But everyone knows that Kendall’s soul was sold to Satan seven years ago, and that if Anna was going to put any of the tacky Kardashian-Jenners on the cover of Vogue, it would be Khloe (to troll the shit out of Kim and Kanye). So let’s just assume it was because the spot beside Anna was reserved for the Death Eater of her choice, but Satan got held up in a meeting, and sent one of his least-offensive minions in his place.
Here’s more of Kendall Jenner and Anna Wintour leaving the Topshop show yesterday, and they each get a Say Something Nice. For a girl who comes from a family with a chronic addiction to too-tight clothes, Kendall looks very nice. And Anna…um…barely looks like a praying mantis? Yeah, that works.
Good news today for all the dentist’s waiting rooms in Hell; according to Jezebel, a “well-placed source” informed them that Vogue was in L.A. yesterday with their widest-angle lenses to shoot Kim Kardashian for a possible magazine cover. Before you get too excited, when I say ‘shoot’, I mean with a camera: not shot with a gun, shot with a load of jizz (“Been there, done that, made a million from it” – Kris Jenner), or shot into space. I know, I’m sorry; take off your party hats and save the noise makers for another day. But keep those fingers crossed!
This is great news for Kanye West, who’s been pestering Anna Wintour to give his My First Dumpy Stepford Ho Doll a Vogue cover for what seems like years now, because Kanye is smart and knows Kim isn’t capable of anything greater than simply letting someone take her picture. And even then, we’re not exactly dealing with a genius. I don’t know who the photographer was, but I have a feeling he spent most of the day saying: “Kim, stay awake honey. You gotta look alive. Kim, can you open your eyes a little more? Kim? You asleep? You need a nap, Kim? Can someone inject Kim with a syringe full of methamphetamine? We need her to look…how do I say this…not like a Botoxed sloth.” And someone should have told the people at Vogue that a photo shoot was completely unnecessary; they could have just Photoshopped a too-tight beige Margiela dress onto a picture of Jen from The Dark Crystal and saved themselves the agony.
I know you’re dyyyying to see what Kim’s Vogue pictures look like, but nothing will be released until Anna Wintour speaks with Kim’s agent, Satan J. Jackal. So until then, here are picture of Kim filming Keeping Up With Kows You Kould Give A Krap About with Khloe, who – I’ll say it – looks great (if you need me, I’ll be getting a CATscan, since I clearly have a brain tumor), and their little sister Marla Hooch (What a hitter!):
On the list of things that can slowly destroy Anna Wintour, go ahead and add “Christmas trees” between “models fatter than a size zero” and “Grace Coddington’s side-eye.” And on the list of things that can quickly destroy a Christmas tree, add Anna Wintour’s name above “deranged pussies.” On Christmas Day, Anna’s daughter Bee Schaffer Instagrammed a picture of a bunch of presents lying by themselves on the floor and on a bench, because Anna banished it to the dumpster for being messy. “NO MORE PINE NEEEEDLES!” is the new “NO MORE WIRE HANGERS!”
It’s not surprising that Anna Wintour ruined Christmas by trashing her tree for being a mess, because you know when her kids were young she threw them down the trash chute every time they made a mess. But what’s really surprising is that Anna Wintour celebrates Christmas. Like a huge jizz load coming out of a dude with small nuts, that’s a shocking twist I didn’t see coming.
But I still refuse to believe that Anna Wintour celebrates the birth of the baby Jesus. Bee just Instagrammed that shit to throw us off her mother’s trail. Every December 25th, Andre Leon Talley comes over and they bathe in the blood of their rivals before dancing on the bones of the teenage models they destroyed with their gaze while pledging their allegiance to Lucifer. Then they prank Kunty Karl by sending two dozen Double Sensation Pizzas from Pizza Hut to his lair.
There’s no Christmas tree in that picture, because there was no Christmas Tree there to begin with. Nice try, Bee!
Anna Wintour might never be able to show her ghoul face in the House of the Death Eaters again, because she shamed them all on Saturday when her frozen bitch face cracked and let out a small smile while spending time with Harper Seven Beckham. The evil bitch queen is actually smiling at the young, innocent maiden? This is like something out of the weirdest Brothers Grimm fairy tale.
Harper Seven and her DILF of a daddy David Beckham sat front row at Posh Beckham’s NYFW show on Saturday, and next to them was Anna Wintour who actually seemed to be charmed by a child. That smile Anna’s throwing isn’t even a condescending “awwww, bless her for wearing a dress that totally gives her body the wrong silhouette” smile or a “she MIGHT be able to get catalog work if she loses 10 pounds” smile. That seems like an actual genuine smile. When Anna Wintour cracks a smile and the mound of frozen souls in her chest feels warmth, the walls of Hell come crashing down. Lucifer doesn’t know what to think anymore.
I see what Posh did here. Posh is getting back at that bitch Anna for never putting her on the cover of Vogue by melting her black heart. Well played, Posh.
Here’s more of Harper killing Anna with her innocence and also some pictures of Posh with her family at Balthazar after the show.