Not pictured: Kunty Karl barking at his human to take as many pictures as possible so he can run back to the Death Eaters’ lair and cackle about this with his kind.
At the Valentino show in Paris yesterday, Anna Wintour, who normally makes a question mark with her face when you say the words, “second row,” or, “larger than a size double zero,” sat behind the first row. I didn’t think that moment would ever happen in real-life. Seeing Anna Wintour sitting in a row other than the first row tells me that anything in life is possible. Maybe I will actually publish a post that doesn’t have at least 2 fucks up in it! Maybe Lindsay Lohan will actually cut the bullshit! Maybe John Travolta will actually say Idina Menzel’s name right and wear a wig that doesn’t look like roadkill! Anything is possible!
But in a shocking twist, Anna wanted to sit in the second row. Christina Binkley of the Wall Street Journal, who Instagrammed that picture, says that Anna took her ass to the second row when the first row got too crowded. BryanBoy (via The Cut) added that Anna let Vogue’s editors sit in the front row and she gladly sat in the second. Anna’s editors took her up on her offer, to which I say, IDIOTS! It’s kind of like if you went to Outback with Jessica Simpson and she ordered 3 bloomin’ onions to start for the table (there’s only two of you at the table, by the way) and after you’ve eaten 2 together, she tells you to go ahead and have the 3rd one by yourself. She doesn’t want any of it. She’s fine! Whatever she says, don’t do it. IT’S A TRAP! She’ll eventually end up eating it right out of your stomach. So yeah, those Vogue editors are totally going to get it.
Since Anna Wintour sitting in the front row is something that will never happen again, I hope the lady sitting directly in front of her took full advantage of the opportunity by dropping a huge fart. Because when Anna Wintour sits behind you, it’s your duty to lift up your ass cheeks and let a good one go.
And here’s Anna Wintour showing up to Chanel’s messy Supermarket Sweep show yesterday. She sat in the first row, so the world can keep spinning again.
“Why? WHHYYYY? She knew I worked so hard on turning Kim into a fashion icon. I took a lumpy goblin-tramp, power washed off 4 of her 8 layers of skank, and created a sophisticated beauty that makes Grace Kelly look like an damp pile of used diapers. Ricardo, why would she do this to me??” Then Riccardo Tisci softly stroked his head (no comment) and whispered: “There, there. Shhh, don’t cry. It’s not worth crying about, Kanye. There’s always Elle; maybe she’ll get on the cover of Elle?”
Things will no doubt be very awkward at the Kardashian-Jenner dinner table this evening after Kendall Jenner (the nipples one, not the Marla Hooch one) uploaded this picture of her sitting in the front row of the Topshop Unique show with Anna Wintour to Instagram yesterday. Sitting beside Anna Wintour at a fashion show either means you’re going to be on the cover of Vogue, she wanted a snack and chose to eat your soul, or both. But everyone knows that Kendall’s soul was sold to Satan seven years ago, and that if Anna was going to put any of the tacky Kardashian-Jenners on the cover of Vogue, it would be Khloe (to troll the shit out of Kim and Kanye). So let’s just assume it was because the spot beside Anna was reserved for the Death Eater of her choice, but Satan got held up in a meeting, and sent one of his least-offensive minions in his place.
Here’s more of Kendall Jenner and Anna Wintour leaving the Topshop show yesterday, and they each get a Say Something Nice. For a girl who comes from a family with a chronic addiction to too-tight clothes, Kendall looks very nice. And Anna…um…barely looks like a praying mantis? Yeah, that works.
Good news today for all the dentist’s waiting rooms in Hell; according to Jezebel, a “well-placed source” informed them that Vogue was in L.A. yesterday with their widest-angle lenses to shoot Kim Kardashian for a possible magazine cover. Before you get too excited, when I say ‘shoot’, I mean with a camera: not shot with a gun, shot with a load of jizz (“Been there, done that, made a million from it” – Kris Jenner), or shot into space. I know, I’m sorry; take off your party hats and save the noise makers for another day. But keep those fingers crossed!
This is great news for Kanye West, who’s been pestering Anna Wintour to give his My First Dumpy Stepford Ho Doll a Vogue cover for what seems like years now, because Kanye is smart and knows Kim isn’t capable of anything greater than simply letting someone take her picture. And even then, we’re not exactly dealing with a genius. I don’t know who the photographer was, but I have a feeling he spent most of the day saying: “Kim, stay awake honey. You gotta look alive. Kim, can you open your eyes a little more? Kim? You asleep? You need a nap, Kim? Can someone inject Kim with a syringe full of methamphetamine? We need her to look…how do I say this…not like a Botoxed sloth.” And someone should have told the people at Vogue that a photo shoot was completely unnecessary; they could have just Photoshopped a too-tight beige Margiela dress onto a picture of Jen from The Dark Crystal and saved themselves the agony.
I know you’re dyyyying to see what Kim’s Vogue pictures look like, but nothing will be released until Anna Wintour speaks with Kim’s agent, Satan J. Jackal. So until then, here are picture of Kim filming Keeping Up With Kows You Kould Give A Krap About with Khloe, who – I’ll say it – looks great (if you need me, I’ll be getting a CATscan, since I clearly have a brain tumor), and their little sister Marla Hooch (What a hitter!):
On the list of things that can slowly destroy Anna Wintour, go ahead and add “Christmas trees” between “models fatter than a size zero” and “Grace Coddington’s side-eye.” And on the list of things that can quickly destroy a Christmas tree, add Anna Wintour’s name above “deranged pussies.” On Christmas Day, Anna’s daughter Bee Schaffer Instagrammed a picture of a bunch of presents lying by themselves on the floor and on a bench, because Anna banished it to the dumpster for being messy. “NO MORE PINE NEEEEDLES!” is the new “NO MORE WIRE HANGERS!”
It’s not surprising that Anna Wintour ruined Christmas by trashing her tree for being a mess, because you know when her kids were young she threw them down the trash chute every time they made a mess. But what’s really surprising is that Anna Wintour celebrates Christmas. Like a huge jizz load coming out of a dude with small nuts, that’s a shocking twist I didn’t see coming.
But I still refuse to believe that Anna Wintour celebrates the birth of the baby Jesus. Bee just Instagrammed that shit to throw us off her mother’s trail. Every December 25th, Andre Leon Talley comes over and they bathe in the blood of their rivals before dancing on the bones of the teenage models they destroyed with their gaze while pledging their allegiance to Lucifer. Then they prank Kunty Karl by sending two dozen Double Sensation Pizzas from Pizza Hut to his lair.
There’s no Christmas tree in that picture, because there was no Christmas Tree there to begin with. Nice try, Bee!
Anna Wintour might never be able to show her ghoul face in the House of the Death Eaters again, because she shamed them all on Saturday when her frozen bitch face cracked and let out a small smile while spending time with Harper Seven Beckham. The evil bitch queen is actually smiling at the young, innocent maiden? This is like something out of the weirdest Brothers Grimm fairy tale.
Harper Seven and her DILF of a daddy David Beckham sat front row at Posh Beckham’s NYFW show on Saturday, and next to them was Anna Wintour who actually seemed to be charmed by a child. That smile Anna’s throwing isn’t even a condescending “awwww, bless her for wearing a dress that totally gives her body the wrong silhouette” smile or a “she MIGHT be able to get catalog work if she loses 10 pounds” smile. That seems like an actual genuine smile. When Anna Wintour cracks a smile and the mound of frozen souls in her chest feels warmth, the walls of Hell come crashing down. Lucifer doesn’t know what to think anymore.
I see what Posh did here. Posh is getting back at that bitch Anna for never putting her on the cover of Vogue by melting her black heart. Well played, Posh.
Here’s more of Harper killing Anna with her innocence and also some pictures of Posh with her family at Balthazar after the show.
While getting their anuses bleached next to each other a few months ago, Kanye West begged the house mother of the Death Eaters, Anna Wintour, to put Kim Kartrashian on the cover of Vogue and she said in so many words that the only way that will happen is if Lucifer rises up to Earth, buys Conde Nast and makes Pimp Mama Kris president (this could happen). So Kanye West is trying something else. Because Botox takes twice as long to settle in a newborn baby’s face, North West hasn’t made her public debut yet and Kanye is hoping she’ll make it on the cover of Vogue. Kanye asked Anna if she’d be into putting Kim, North West and him on the cover of Vogue and she wasn’t amused enough to take her mouth off of the living, breathing baby swan she was feeding on. Some source tells Radar:
“It’s no secret that Kanye is a huge fan of fashion, Vogue and especially Anna Wintour. “But it’s also pretty well-known that Anna is NO fan of Kim or any reality star appearing in the pages of the magazine. Kanye is determined to make sure baby North isn’t photographed by paparazzi then splashed across the world. He knows what he wants — a professional photographer and the cover of Vogue – nothing else. But clearly, trying to persuade Anna is going to be an uphill battle.”
When Kanye’s overinflated, pus-filled ego gets a dent in it, he goes even harder and so he’s gathering a bunch of statistics together to show Anna that putting Kim on the cover sells magazines. In his presentation to Anna, Kanye should also make sure he lets her know that Kim’s magazine covers were mostly bought by the owners of constipated birds who used it as cage lining so their pets would really be inspired to shit and piss.
I doubt North West is going to make her debut on the cover of Vogue and I doubt her first portrait is going to replace the Mona Lisa at the Louvre (that’s Kanye’s first plan). I bet that the paparazzo who fucked with Kanye will get the first picture and he’ll make a bunch of money off of it. That’ll make Kanye the speechless one for once.
When Oprah interviewed Paula Deen for Oprah’s Next Chapter last year, she stayed in the Deen family “guest house” in Georgia and now she knows why the “guest house” was actually a shack in the backyard and why there was an Aunt Jemima costume and a dinner bell lying on her cot. The Mighty O got to know Paula Deen, so at last night’s premiere of Lee Daniels’ The Butler in NYC, everybody with a mic asked her about it. Oprah recently said no friend of hers will ever use the n-word around her, so I’m surprised she didn’t tell reporters, “Paula who? Oh, you mean the Miss Millie whose company I’m going to buy with my play money and DESTROY just for fun?” Oprah told Entertainment Tonight that Paula is not the first white woman to use the n-word and also said that she tried to call Paula’s ass.
“In the very first days I tried to reach her and then I decided to stay out of it as I saw it blowing up. In time she will be fine. For me, it all just felt kind of sad.
Nobody in their right mind is going to call me the N-word. You know, you see those fools on Twitter sometime say ridiculous things. But nobody in their right mind is going to do that to my face, because true racism is being able to have power over somebody else. So that doesn’t happen to me that way.”
That’s Oprah’s way of saying, “I’m God, bitch,” and it’s also Oprah’s way of telling Squeak to come call her a “field nigger” to her face, because she really wants to tit pound that bitch through all the layers of the Earth into Hell.
Here’s more of FroPrah and Ted Head Stedman at last night’s The Butler premiere. I also threw in a bunch of pictures of other hos there including Mimi who showed up wearing a sling that can double as a studded fisting glove.
Even though legend has it that J.K. Rowling based the Death Eaters on the Illuminati, the two organizations of dark-sided evilness hate each other and will do whatever it takes to destroy one another. Well, in the never-ending battle between the Death Eaters and the Illuminati, the Death Eaters are winning and they owe it all to their House Madam, Anna Wintour.
E! says that at a pre-Met Gala dinner at Anna Wintour’s townhouse in May, Anna told Kim Kartrashian that she likes the name North West. It’s kind of hard to believe that Anna was able to say words to Kim’s face without dry heaving before screaming at her bodyguards to remove that tacky trash from her sight, but she had ulterior motives. Anna knows that Kim cares more about getting on the cover of Vogue than keeping her allegiance to the Illuminati, so she told her that she liked the name North West. Anna didn’t think those fools would actually fall for it, but those dumb bitches did and named their poor child North West. And Kim still isn’t going to get that cover of Vogue. Ah-haha! E-hehe! The Illuminati are powerless against Anna Wintour! Anna’s assistants now know why she actually cracked a smile this morning.
E!’s source says that Anna saying she likes the name North West isn’t the reason why Kim and Kanye chose that name, but they’re happy to have her blessing. Uh huh. Don’t put a soft dick in my mouth and say that it’s hard. I see that Pimp Mama Kris is just trying to save face and trying to make it look like Anna Wintour didn’t pull one over on them. Well, she did! Game point: THE DEATH EATERS!
E! also says that Kim, Kanye and North West left the hospital last night and are now “in hiding.” Radar posted a copy of North West’s birth certificate and North (no middle name) West really is her name. Apparently, they’re going to call her Nori. So why didn’t they just name her Nori instead of North if they already knew they were going to call her Nori all the time? Well, because they wouldn’t get half of the attention they’re getting if her government name was Nori . Duh! And I was going to have a California Roll for lunch, but I’ve changed my mind.
This is what it would look like if Madame Maxime and Hagrid got really drunk and high one night and accidentally drank a potion, which turned her into a soulless, regular-sized Death Eater and him into a gay, beardless giant. What’s even more terrifying are those twin pillars of vomit on Andre Leon Talley’s hooves. ALT probably thought that he was fancying up those dark-sided Lucifer boots by monogramming his initials onto them. Nice try, Gay Hagrid, but a monogrammed pile of nut-embedded hyena shit is still a pile of nut-embedded hyena shit.
Actually, monogramming them is worse, because it’s telling the world that you’re claiming those horrifying boots made from the intestines of Satan’s slaves. If they weren’t monogrammed, ALT could say that the Illuminati kidnapped his entire family and made him spread the evil by wearing those UGGs. I might believe that story. But the fact that his initials are on them tells me that he’s actually proud to wear the Ninth Circle’s boot of choice. I barely even noticed ALT’s purple silk pajama pants and the oversized Christmas tree skirt on his body, which shows you the evil power of UGGs. And Anna Wintour is smirking, which means she’s totally in on it. Evil whores, the both of them.
You better cleanse your screen with holy water wipes as soon as you click away from this mess.
And here’s others at The Great Gatsby premiere in NYC last night. They’re all unholy bitches for not throwing holy water at ALT’s UGGs when they had the chance. In order: Leonardo DiCatchAHo, Carey Mulligan, Isla Fisher, Florence Welch, Tobey Maguire with his wife (the hell kind of toddler church outfit is she wearing?), Baz Luhrmann with Catherine Martin, Jay-Z, Anjelica Huston, Martha Stewart (wearing her favorite sequined capri leggings) and Joel Edgerton.