Beyonce and that wet look…. It’s like parsley on an entree. Nobody wants it or asks for it, but she’s going to keep giving it to you.
Beyonce took one of her wigs, ran it under the faucet, flopped it on her head and said to Mario Testino, “Take my picture like this, bitch, and watch Anna Wintour STILL put it on the September cover even though I look like I just got out of the shower.” Now every hopelessly devoted member of the BeyHive is going to dip their hands into the jar of cooking grease their abuelita keeps under the kitchen sink and smear it all over their hair so they too can look like a wet Lhasa Apso is lounging on their head.
Never mind that Beyonce looks uncomfortable on that cover and like she’s got itchy butt and can’t wait to soothe it by rubbing up against that chair, Vogue released quotes from her cover profile and none of them came from her mouth. Who knows if she was even interviewed? I’d like to think that she wasn’t. Why would Beyonce strain her jaw muscles by talking about herself when some of her disciples can do the talking for her? They laid it on thicker than that leave-in conditioner on Beyonce’s hair:
“The word diva is used for so many female performers, and it often means they have reputations for being difficult, but she exudes charm and a lovable quality.” – Marc Jacobs
Beyoncé is a powerhouse. She can sneer. She can out-strut and stare down any man in the film frame. Call her, in the songs, She Who Must Be Obeyed—in the palace, in the bedroom, in the hood, on the road, and on the runway.
“Her appeal crosses art forms, genders, and generations.” — Stella McCartney
Beyonce’s going to save a lot of money on lotion made out of blended unicorn placenta, because Vogue kept her ass moisturized by licking every inch of it several times.
Vogue also released a HIGH ART video from the shoot that looks like the kind of warped VHS tape footage that plays during an episode of 48 Hours about a high-profile murder case:
Beyonce IS killing the BumbleBeys with this shoot, I’m sure, so that video is fitting.
Almost three years ago, human jewel Tim Curry had a major stroke that left him in a bad way. Since then, humanity has been asking “Where the hell is Tim Curry to show these bitches how it’s really done?” and I think I asked that question out loud while watching Christopher Walken in NBC’s Peter Pan Live! Tim Curry has been laying low and recovering with the help of physical therapy. At last night’s Actors Fund Tony Awards Viewing Party in Los Angeles, Tim Curry rolled onto the red carpet to receive a lifetime achievement award for his contributions to making ass lips pucker by swishing, swaying and serving pure talent in Rocky Horror Picture Show, The Worst Witch, etc… etc…
Tim, who’s my favorite age (69), still has to use a wheelchair to get around, but he told Los Angeles Magazine during an interview about his lifetime achievement award from the Actors Fund that he’s doing okay.
Since your stroke you have made limited public appearances. How are you doing and are you looking forward to the Actors Fund event?
I’m doing well and I’m looking forward to it. I’ve done a few benefits for the Actors Fund and I think it’s a marvelous organization. I hope not to have to use it.
How important is your sense of humor to you?
Vital. Absolutely vital. It’s not tough to maintain. It is just part of my DNA.
When I woke up this morning, I saw all these headlines about how Tim Curry was honored at the Tonys. I drunkenly watched every single second of the Tonys (because as a gay dude who once lived in NYC I like to play a game of “Oh Shit, My Friend Totally Blew That One Chorus Boy In A Gay Bar Bathroom” while watching it) and I didn’t remember Tim Curry showing up at all. I almost looked up information for the nearest AA group, because I obviously have a problem if booze ate my memory of seeing a legend like Tim Curry at the Tonys. But after injecting coffee directly into my brain, I realized he was at a Tony viewing party. Tim should’ve been at the actual Tonys, though. They should’ve cut that ship wreck of a Finding Neverland performance and let Tim sing a Rocky Horror/Annie/The Worst Witch/Spamalot medley as he descended from above in his wheelchair. That’s what the Tonys needed.
Here’s a few more pictures of Tim Curry at the Actors Fund Tony Viewing Party. I also threw in a million pictures from the actual Tonys of Bernadette Peters, Chita Rivera and other Broadway legends like Gigi Hadid, Ashley Greene and that model who got naked in a Robin Thicke video.
During a recent interview with TIME, bottled water’s closest living relative Blake Lively admitted that maybe she doesn’t love her artisanal faded online shopping website Preserve.us as much as she could. It’s probably a good thing clothing can’t express human emotions, otherwise that dress Blake is wearing above (that she “co-designed” for Preserve) might realize how disappointed she is in it and start bawling its seams off.
According to Blake, Anna Wintour wanted the launch of Preserve to coincide with the August 2014 issue of Vogue. And since Blake wants to appear on the cover of Vogue 7,392 more times, she sort of rushed to make sure Anna got what Anna wanted.
“The things that keep me up are things I look at on the site and I know could be better. I knew this was supposed to be better. Time and money, time and money. What I wanted Preserve to be at launch was not what it is at all. It’s just impossible! We found ourselves at launch and we had a Vogue cover set up, so I couldn’t call Anna Wintour and say ‘I need six more months’—people hacked into our site a week and a half before it was meant to launch, so the site leaked. The site’s not close to what I want it to be. I hope by the time it’s what I want it to be, my standards will be raised infinitely more.”
She also added: “If I had my dream, I’d put it on hold for six months or a year and then relaunch it.” Somewhere in the gold-plated offices of GOOP.com, Gwyneth Paltrow just popped a bottle of organic sparkling pressed French air and hollered at everyone to “Get in here in celebrate with me – Goopy’s in a good mood today.”
How rude of Anna Wintour to rush the launch of Preserve. Doesn’t she realize the time it takes to source the perfect hand-carved Antebellum-era decorative walking sticks, partially-rusted vintage typewriter keys, and hand-picked sun-faded lavender sprigs for a casually imperfect harvest table floral arrangement? I mean, a curated collection of repurposed saddle leather hair ties don’t photograph and Instagram filter themselves, you know.
I can only imagine the disappointed thoughts Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen are telepathically communicating to each other as they watch people walk the Met Gala red carpet. If had to guess, it was probably something along these lines:
“So much nude illusion fabric. And the sequins – so many sequins. I think I’m going to be sick.”
“I too am feeling ill, sister. Fetch me a fainting squirrel, I shall need to lie down.”
The Met Gala really isn’t the Met Gala until fashion’s creepiest pocket goths make an appearance. I was excited to see if they would wear something in keeping with the theme, but of course they didn’t. DUH! Mary Kate and Ashley showed up in the same floor-length body-swallowing black sadness sacks they always wear. I’m sure there’s a high-fashion word for whatever they’re wearing, but I’m scared I can’t afford to even look it up online. Whatever they’re wearing, I’m sure it’s very expensive and was made from the finest of endangered spider hairs and antique mourning lace.
Or maybe they’re dressed all in black as a not-so-subtle “You are DEAD to us” message to John Stamos.
And here’s what feels like everyone else from last night, but is really just 1/98th of the people there. Fucking everyone went to that Met Gala. I bet the rats behind Guy Fieri’s restaurant got dressed up in little rat-sized tuxedos and went too. Anyway, most were pretty boring, but some people brought it. AnnE Hathaway looked like a shimmery tapeworm, Dakota Johnson looked like the backsplash tile model from a home improvement show, and Anna Wintour looked like a street corner sign waver mascot for an opium den (don’t worry, I barely know what that means either).
Sorry, but I’m not referring to Anna Wintour or that roided-up right arm of hers (seriously, she looks like she was cobbled together using the spare parts from a He-Man doll, and I am concerned). I’m talking about Harper Seven Beckham, who dragged her family to something called the Burberry ‘London in Los Angeles’ event last night. I know Harper is barely able to count to 20, but she’s already more sophistimacated than I’ll ever be. People says that during the show, an “insider” tells them Harper used her platform as the unofficial queen of the front row (sorry, Kanye) to school all those déclassé tricks on how to pick your nose like a lady:
“David doted on her the entire time, stroking her hair and chatting back and forth as she pointed things out on the runway. She would even clap along when everyone else did. At one point, she (I assume) told him she needed to pick her nose because he held up his hand to cover her face while she did so, then laughed after she was done and was wiping her nose.”
And here I am blowing mine, farmer-style, into a used McDonald’s cheeseburger wrapper. Harper Seven should really consider pestering her mommy to invest some of her Spice World residual checks in a finishing school, because some of us could greatly benefit from her mentorship.
Sadly, there are no pictures of Harper and her family arriving at that Burberry event last night, but here’s everyone else. I want to say it was some kind of fancy British fashion event, but that would be a lie, because the fanciest British person I’m aware of, Hyacinth Bucket, was not in attendance. Instead, we have Naomi Campbell, Cara Della Reese, Ryan Seacrest, and a very pregnant Jaime “Not That Ja’mie King” King.
Whenever I think of people who wear sunglasses indoors, I think of two things: douchebags who love attention and Jack Nicholson at the Oscars. But since the sedated horny badger wasn’t there last night, someone had to take his place as The Person Wearing Sunglasses Indoors For No Good Goddamn Reason, and it appears that person was Anna Wintour. I don’t know what’s more confusing: that Anna Wintour is wearing a pair of gas station sunglasses indoors, or that she was invited to the Oscars. Even Harvey Weinstein is like “So, you feel cold…are you related to the statue or something?”
When the camera panned into the audience and I saw Anna Wintour sitting there looking like the unsalted soda cracker version of Cookie Lyon, all I could think of was just how distracting she must have been for everyone on stage looking down at her; she looks like the Upper West Side old money aunt of Cyclops from The X-Men. I have no idea why she’s wearing sunglasses indoors like she is, but I’m just going to assume it has something to do with not drawing suspicion when a young type would walk on stage and her eyes would get all firey red and excited from the sight of young blood.
And because up is down and nothing makes any sense with that woman, here she is posing for pictures with her daughter Bee Shaffer outside before the show without her sunglasses:
3-year-old Harper Seven Beckham sat in the front row with her daddy and brothers at her mom’s New York Fashion Week show today (click here if you care what the clothes look like), and unlike North West, she didn’t scream in pain, because she’s used to this boring fashion shit and she’s a little older. The first time Harper the Seventh sat next to the devil that is Anna Wintour at her mom’s fashion show, the Death Eaters declared it a tragic moment in history, because she actually smiled at an innocent soul. There are places down in Hell that still haven’t thawed out from Anna Wintour showing kindness to another human being. Well, the Death Eaters don’t have to be ashamed of Anna today, because she didn’t fall for Harper’s “adorable innocent child” act this time! Anna Wintour is crossing her arms and thinking to herself, “Don’t do it, Anna, or Kunty Karl will never stop cackling.”
There should be a new Fashion Week rule. If you want to bring your kid, you have to sit them next to Anna Wintour, because whenever she’s next to a child she looks about as comfortable as Mama June sitting next to a healthy salad bar. Children at fashion shows will be Anna Wintour’s demise! Harper Seven won the last round by making Anna Wintour smile and she won this round too by throwing a “How long have you been working the same look, honey?” look.
Here’s more of Harper Seven looking seven layers of bored at her mom’s show and also looking more stylish than everyone while strolling through JFK the other day.
Pics: Splash, AP, Getty
And after you look at the pictures of Kanye’s collection, you’l feel exactly the same.
Soulless fame whore mannequin Kim Kartrashian learned today that sometimes your living and breathing fashion accessory is tired of being your living and breathing fashion accessory and fights back. At the New York Fashion Week show for Kanye West’s collection for Adidas tonight, Kummy Kakes once again dragged North West out for photo-ops and that child was not having it. She did not want to be there. Beyonce, Jay-Z and Anna Wintour were totally over it and I’m surprised Anna didn’t shush that child up by sucking her soul.
Can you even blame North West? The clothes are awful, the music is probably loud and she’s sitting next to the Queen of the Death Eaters who can eat her youth at any moment. North West just wants to be at home with her mommy aka the nanny.
With that being said, North West is my new favorite fashion critic.
And here’s a million pictures of Kummy, Anna (who was not amused by these ugly clothes), North West, RiRi, Beyonce, Jay-Z, Diddy (whose head looks like a clit between two furry coochie lips) and the collection which looks like “homeless ballerina as seen through the eyes of Mugatu.”
Pics: Reuters, Getty, Wenn.com
Anna Wintour gets a hard-on for unseasoned soggy breadsticks floating in a Styrofoam bowl full of lukewarm tap water (see: Blake NotSoLively), so it’s not shocking or a surprise that she’d put Dakota Johnson on the February cover of former fashion magazine turned celebrity month Vogue. I’m all for Vogue putting a Johnson on their cover (surprisingly, I’m not about to make a dick joke), but if they really want to bring fashion and glamour, they’d put EJ Johnson or Don Johnson in a Speedo on the cover.
Fifty Shades of Grey is less than a month away from splattering against thousands of movie screens everywhere and advance ticket sales of that mess are already beating records. Fifty Shades’ PR team has begun trying to convince us that Dakota Johnson is someone we should pay attention to and they somehow managed to get her a Vogue cover. Only the cover has leaked so far, but I’m sure as soon as the other pictures and interview comes out, doctors will use it to cure patients suffering from severe chronic insomnia.
Dakota Johnson is like your cousin’s forgettable friend who works as an office assistant for a medical supplies company and whose name you always forget so you call her Ashley whenever you see her. I get why they cast her ass in Fifty Shades. I mean, nepotism is always alive in Hollywood and that Ana chick is supposed to be fifty shades of bland. But couldn’t they have glamour’d Dakota Johnson up a bit for the cover of Vogue? I’ve seen more glamour and charisma in senior yearbook photo shoots. It kind of looks like the cover of a pamphlet for a new yeast infection medication. If the whole “movie star” thing doesn’t work out for her, she should be a model for pharmaceutical companies.
And since February’s cover of Vogue is giving us the visual definition of “meh,” I’m guessing that on March’s cover trick will either be a wet piece of cardboard or Lauren Conrad. Same thing, really.
Kendall Jenner usually has a dead look in her eyes that tells us that her soul was sucked out of her being, put in an envelope and sent to Lucifer in Hell as part of the pact her family has with him. But at last night’s British Fashion Awards in London, Kendull’s usually dead eyes lit up when she saw the Gymboree Mick Jagger, Harry Styles, at the top of the stairs. While looking like a hobo Beetlejuice, Harry got locked in an intense conversation with Cara DellaReese (Their “intense conversation” went like this: He asked her, “You got any of the bad shit?” To which she said, “I ain’t got the bloat for nothing, bitch!“) as Kendull threw him a parched look that said, “Please pay attention to me, please pay attention to me, please take a picture with me or my Satanic pimp of a mother will punish me for not meeting this month’s fame whore quota!” Harry treated Kendull the same way Kim Kartrashian treats North West when a camera isn’t around. He ignored her. Kendull is me at every party.
You probably can’t even see that picture, because it’s hard to see anything when your eyelashes are on fire. Blame the scorching flames shooting off of the dude in the background’s piping hot eyebrow situation:
That butch George Michael is obviously Cara DeliVeal’s personal brow tamer. But then again that “What have I done to deserve this kind of punishment?” look he’s making tells me that he could also be Kendull’s bodyguard.
Anyway, according to E!, Harry didn’t ignore Kendall the entire night. Even though the children on Twitter want Emma Watson and Harry Styles to be a thing, he flirted with Kendall, so says E!’s source (Hi, PMK!).
Meanwhile, the source adds that Styles caught up with his former flings, and “flirted with Kendall a bunch.” He also got up on the dance floor as well and “was the ladies man all night.”
Oh, PMK, I mean, “source,” stop being bi-phobic. Harry himself has said that he’s not only a ladies man. He’s a ladies man, a gentleman’s man, a whatever man.
And here’s more pictures of Harry Styles looking like a group of strung out guinea pigs got the meth sweats in a bad way before dying on top of his head. I also threw in pictures of others last night including RiRi, Emma Watson, Lana Del Rey, Courtney Love, Posh Beckham and Naomi Campbell. Yes, Lana, Courtney and Cara were at the same event in London last night. If you’re in London and bought coke sometime between late last night and today, you got ripped off. You bought crushed Rolaids. All of the coke in London was snorted up last night.