I see the truth now… That emergency meeting at Buckingham Palace that THE QUEEN called at the last minute wasn’t about Prince Philip retiring his ribbon-cutting hand. That was just a cover-up. THE QUEEN summoned all of her staff to her throne room to warn them about a visit from a member of the Death Eaters.
Every year, there’s always a giant chunk of celebrities at the Met Gala who completely wet fart on the theme and go with their own, which is usually: Rejected Dresses Leftover From Awards Season. Even Anna Wintour showed up to this year’s Met Gala in some dusty dress that Carol Channing definitely wore a million times better in the 1960s (see: Anna Wintour in the gallery below looking like a sad lamp from Liberace’s least favorite guest room). While watching the Vogue live feed of the Met Gala last night, some bland, I forgot who, said something about how she wanted to be comfortable. Bitch, if you want to be comfortable, stay at home in your sweats and t-shirt and watch the live feed while sitting on your futon like the rest of us do! You’re doing the Met Gala completely wrong if it doesn’t take six assistants, a registered nurse, a long plastic hose, a thing of KY and a janitor with a mop to help you piss.
But in last night’s sea of basic (see: the sea of basic in the gallery after the cut), there were a few bright spots of fuckery who actually paid attention in class when the theme was given. Enter: RiRi!
Everyone has been saying for years and years that the print magazine industry is dying a slow, painful death and will one day be completely extinct. But today, it’s the trees who are shaking with fear, because Goopy Paltrow is here to save the entire print magazine industry!
Women’s Wear Daily says that Goopy and Anna Wintour have joined evil forces to steam queef out Goop the Magazine. Since the High Priestess of Pretentiousness and the Death Eater Queen of Fashion are working on a magazine together, expect articles about how to tell if the virgin blood you’re about to drink directly from the vein is sugar-free, fat-free, preservatives-free, gluten-free, corn-free, soy-free and organic. I also can’t wait to read Tracy Anderson’s article on the 5 easy stretches you should do to make sure your legs don’t cramp while kneeling during a really long sacrificial ritual ceremony to Satan.
Fresh off from mistaking a TLC song for a Destiny’s Child song, Karlie Kloss has fucked up again and managed to outdo herself. Karlie went all Shirley MacLaine in My Geisha for a spread in American Vogue.
Kanye West wasn’t the only PR prop who was paraded in front of reporters at Trump Tower yesterday. Anna Wintour, whose magazine Vogue endorsed Hillary Clinton and who helped HRC choose some of those pantsuits, also paid a visit to the gold tower to kiss the ring. If you didn’t think we were doomed before, then you must think that now since it looks like Donald Trump is using the dark powers of the Illuminati and the Death Eaters to take control over America, and then the world! Kunty Karl is probably sitting in the waiting room at Trump Tower as I type this….
Glamour’s annual Women of the Year award happened last night in Hollywood and the dress code must’ve been: MESS! Because most of them were.
Gwen Stefani (in the gallery) looked like an off-brand quinceañera Barbie and Zendaya (also in the gallery) wore some floral glove things that made it look like she just double fisted a flower fairy. And then there was Amber Heard whose dress looks like it was made out of the dusty curtains, crib skirt and pillow trim from an old-timey rich baby girl’s nursery. That dress is what Miss Havisham would wear if she was finally evicted from Satis House and had to make coins by selling ass at a brothel.
Amber hasn’t worked many red carpets ever since she settled her divorce from the angry scarf rack, so maybe she purposefully wore something busted. That way reporters wouldn’t ask her about Johnny Depp, because they’d be too busy wondering who and what the hell she’s wearing. Well played!
And here’s a zillion more pictures from last night including Lena Dunham who worked baby bangs and a constipated face.