Things That Exist: Anna Nicole The Opera

Anna Nicole, the opera based on the rise and fall of TrimSpa Baby, opened at the Royal Opera House of London last night and it’s getting mixed reviews. Some are calling it a “weirdly inspired work” while others are saying it’s “overwhelmed by incident, and made the more congested by an over-rich libretto.” But I’m calling it a work of COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT! The first few lyrics Anna Nicole hollers out in the clip above are the exact same ones I’ve been yodeling out at every bar I go to for years! And I’m also calling this work incomplete if it doesn’t include arias sung by Sugar Pie, Kimmie, Bobby Trendy and Cousin Shelly.

via L.A. Times

Howard K. Stern Is Going To Jail (No, He’s Not)!

And you’re all probably making the same “not this shit again” face as old girl in the back after reading Howard K. Stern’s name. Three years after Anna Nicole Smith went off to heaven where every angel is a sugar daddy, her former life stalker and bad shit supplier Howard K. Stern was found guilty of two counts of conspiracy for delivering pills to her on a silver platter even though he knew she was an addict. The jury did acquit his ass of 7 other felony charges.

One of Anna Nicole’s doctors, Khristine Eroshevich was also convicted of four charges, but her other doctor Sandeep Kapoor got a not guilty stamped on all of his charges and he’s free to go.

The D.A. says that Howard K. and Khristine both face up to 3 years of scrubbing their assholes with government soap in prison. But a legal expert type tells E! Online that there’s no way Howard K. Stern will face the booty bandits in prison. They say he will get probation since he’s got a clean record. Sentencing has been scheduled for January 6th.

And in the dusty community center of a mobile home park somewhere, Cousin Shelly, Sugar Pie and Kimmie are all toasting to this news with Dixie cups filled with Cisco and Hill Country soda! Happy America (copyright: Mama Lynn)!

It’s A Sad Day For Gold Diggers Everywhere

The planet shifted off its axis again this afternoon, because Howard K. Stern, Dannilynn Hope, Cousin Shelly, Sugar Pie and Larry Birkhead all fell out of their chairs simultaneously after a court ruled that Anna Nicole Smith’s estate won’t get a penny from her late billionaire husband’s fortune.

At the time of her death, Anna Nicole was battling J. Howard Marshall’s family over the $300 million she claims he promised her before he passed. A lawyer for Anna’s estate said he will appeal this latest decision and take this mess back to the Supreme Court.

That means Anna Nicole licked on J. Howard Marshall’s curdled pepaw chowder and rubbed her bits on his moth balls for NOTHING! FOR NOTHING! Oh well. Dannilynn will still be fine. Bobby Trendy will take her under his sequined wing and teach her how to make a fortune super-gluing boas to pillows from the Z Gallerie outlet.

Anna Nicole Smith Investigated Over Murder Plot

After Anna Nicole Smith’s sugar pepaw, J. Howard Marshall II, passed away, his son tried to keep millions of dollars out of her checking account. Anna and J. Howard’s son, E. Pierce Marshall, went to battle for a big piece of his multi-million dollar fortune. But would Anna actually try to knock E. Pierce off so that she could have all the money to herself?! A gold digger’s gotta do…..

According to newly released FBI documents, authorities had reason to believe that Anna Nicole was involved in a plot to murder E. Pierce Marshall.

The Associated Press says that they investigated the murder-for-hire-plot in 2000 and 2001. When the FBI confronted Anna, she immediately broke down in tears and denied being involved. One of the agents wrote, “Smith adamantly denied ever contemplating such a crime.” As part of their investigation, they confiscated a Wesson revolver, a knife and a Dr. Seuss hat from Anna’s home. The FBI didn’t explain why they took that stuff. All three items were returned to Anna seven months later.

In 2001, the FBI decided there was not enough information to go ahead with the investigation, so they closed the case and determined that Anna was not a mastermind murderess after all.

E. Pierce Marhsall died 3 years ago from natural causes.

Anna Nicole could never hurt a flea on a fluffy white dog’s ass, so I doubt she tried to kill her sponsor’s son. Besides, if Anna wanted to murder someone, she wouldn’t use a knife or a Dr. Seuss hat. She’d simply send them nekkid pictures of Bobby Trendy.

Drugging Me With His Eyes

As expected, Howard K (is for Kreepy) Stern put his slimy claws into handcuffs and was arrested for “conspiring to furnish drugs” to Anna Nicole Smith. And here’s his glamour shot!

Last night I said that Howard K’s pictures always make me feel like I’ve just been molested, but this shit goes beyond that. That picture handed me a little dolly, took me to the corner and made me drink a funny-tasting milkshake while stroking my hair. That is a face only a back alley pharmacist could love.

Better Late Than Never?

Don’t color me surprised, because I’m not, but this is still some shit out of left field (and from 2 years ago). Creepy McCreepster aka Howard K. Stern is expected to turn himself into custody tonight after being charged with making a pill popper even pill poppier (yes, I made up that word). Howard K and two doctors have been accused of conspiring to provide prescription pills to Anna Nicole Smith from 2004 to 2007 even though they knew she was straight-up addicted.

In case you smoked away the memory cells which contain shit from ’07, Anna died from an accidental overdose on February 8, 2007 in Hollywood, FL.

Specifically, Howard K, Dr. Sandeep Kapoor and Khristine Eroshevich were charged with 8 felonies. The charges include “unlawfully prescribing a controlled substance,” “obtaining a prescription by fraud, deceit or misrepresentation” and “prescribing, administering or dispensing a controlled substance to an addict.”

TMZ says each whore’s bail has been set at $20,000. Dr. Sandeep is already in custody in Whittier, CA. Oh shit. Maybe OctoMommy can drive down there and entertain his ass with a belly dance. And by “entertain,” I mean torture.

You know, I didn’t know a ho could be charged with giving a bitch too many drugs? My weedman better not eff with me or the party is over. But seriously, Howard K. Stern should go to prison for just being a fucking creepy skeezer. I feel molested in a wrong way every time I look at his pictures. Bitch better be liberal with the Crisco on his asshole, because it’s going to be a long night.

And somewhere in the world, Sugar Pie, Cousin Shelly and Kimmie are celebrating with a round of Night Train. Speaking of Cousin Shelly, let’s witness her methness again in this WTF clip from a few years ago.

Okay, after watching that, the L.A. County District Attorney’s Office need to also charge Howard K. Stern with whatever he did to this bitch at that time!