It’s A Tragic Day In Gold Digging History: Anna Nicole Smith’s Estate Has Lost The Battle For J. Howard Marshall’s Millions
After almost 20 years of fighting for a piece of the Marshall family fortune, Team Anna Nicole has lost for the last time and sadly this story won’t end with Dannielynn Birkhead sitting on top of a mountain of diamonds, gold coins and bricks of cash. A gold digger-hating U.S. District judge named Judge David O. Carter put an end to Team Anna Nicole’s attempts at getting some of that Marshall money. Dannielynn Birkhead will probably never see one penny from the Marshall family, because Anna Nicole’s estate is all out of moves.
This gold digging saga started in 1995 when Anna Nicole’s 90-year-old Texas billionaire husband of one year J. Howard Marshall II died and left his entire $1.6 billion estate to his son E. Pierce Marshall and left nothing to Anna and his other son J. Howard Marshall III. Anna Nicole and J. Howard Marshall III fought to overturn the will. They lost. Anna later declared bankruptcy and a bankruptcy court awarded her $475 million. The judge ruled that she had a right to that money due to “E. Pierce Marshall’s improper interference with his father’s estate.” But E. Pierce Marshall appealed and it went all the way to the U.S. Supreme Court where the judgement from the bankruptcy court was overturned twice.
E. Pierce Marshall died in 2006 and Anna Nicole followed him a year later. But the saga continued.
After the Anna Nicole movie starring Willa Ford went straight to the back of the DVD clearance section at Walmart in 2007, everybody screamed, “We want another Anna Nicole movie! We want more!” (FYI: nobody screamed that.) So Lifetime heard our cries and hired the director of American Psycho to shoot another Anna Nicole movie starring Agnus Bruckner as Anna Nicole, Adam Goldberg as Howard K. Stern, Cary Elwes as E. Pierce Marshall, Martin Landau as J. Howard Marshall and Virginia Madsen as Virgie Arthur. Yeah, Virginia Madsen went from Electric Dreams to an Oscar nomination for Sideways to Lifetime’s Anna Nicole movie. Her career keeps climbing toward the stars!
This looks like a wreck with a clown face painted on it, but I will watch every second of it, because I trust the network that gave us the cinematic vomit puddle that was Liz & Dick. But my only questions are, where is Cousin Shelly?! (Lindsay Lohan totally could’ve played that role.) Where is Sugar Pie?! (Lindsay Lohan totally could’ve played that role too.) And where is Assistant Kimmie?! (Lindsay Lohan, sadly, isn’t hot enough to play that role.)
Almost 20 years after Anna Nicole Smith was a Guess girl, her 6-year-old daughter with Larry Birkhead, Dannielynn Birkhead, is starring in a campaign for Guess Kids. There are two things I can’t believe: 1) Dannielynn is six years old and; 2) I’m writing about Guess Jeans. It seems like it was just yesterday when I was begging my mother to buy me Guess acid wash jeans with a matching jacket. One of her co-workers told her there was a Guess store in Tijuana that sold everything for 50% off and so she dragged me one there one weekend. That shit wasn’t Guess label. It was more like GuessWhosGettingTrickedByThisKnockOff label….but I still bought acid wash jeans there.
The NYDN says that Dannielynn’s ads will be all over buses and billboards starting in January. Larry Birkhead says that Guess came to them first and that Dannielynn is really excited about modeling for the same label as her mom. Larry also said that he’s not enrolling in Pimp Mama Kris’ School Of Whoring anytime soon, because this is going to be Dannielynn’s only modeling gig for now:
“People have said she’s already stepping into her mom’s shoes, and that’s very broad. I want to be clear this was just a tribute. She’s still a kid at heart, and she’s going to stay that way as long as possible. It’s really a tribute to her mom more than anything. She’s not going to be a model.
Her mom’s history with Guess was very positive. The ads were iconic and timeless. She asked me if she was going to be on the shopping bags like her mom. She was really excited about it. She had great time on the shoot. It was really just a day at the beach, playing in the sand.”
I just hope Larry is telling the truth and we won’t see Dannielynn as the new face of Trimspa for Kids.
I’m not sure how to feel about this. Dannielynn being in the spotlight is kind of weird, but somebody has to model those clothes and since Honey Boo Boo Chile already has an exclusive contract as the face of Piggy Wiggly’s children’s clothing line, it might as well be Dannielynn.
And these ads would’ve been so much better if Sugar Pie was in them.
Anna Nicole, the opera based on the rise and fall of TrimSpa Baby, opened at the Royal Opera House of London last night and it’s getting mixed reviews. Some are calling it a “weirdly inspired work” while others are saying it’s “overwhelmed by incident, and made the more congested by an over-rich libretto.” But I’m calling it a work of COPYRIGHT INFRINGEMENT! The first few lyrics Anna Nicole hollers out in the clip above are the exact same ones I’ve been yodeling out at every bar I go to for years! And I’m also calling this work incomplete if it doesn’t include arias sung by Sugar Pie, Kimmie, Bobby Trendy and Cousin Shelly.
via L.A. Times
And you’re all probably making the same “not this shit again” face as old girl in the back after reading Howard K. Stern’s name. Three years after Anna Nicole Smith went off to heaven where every angel is a sugar daddy, her former life stalker and bad shit supplier Howard K. Stern was found guilty of two counts of conspiracy for delivering pills to her on a silver platter even though he knew she was an addict. The jury did acquit his ass of 7 other felony charges.
One of Anna Nicole’s doctors, Khristine Eroshevich was also convicted of four charges, but her other doctor Sandeep Kapoor got a not guilty stamped on all of his charges and he’s free to go.
The D.A. says that Howard K. and Khristine both face up to 3 years of scrubbing their assholes with government soap in prison. But a legal expert type tells E! Online that there’s no way Howard K. Stern will face the booty bandits in prison. They say he will get probation since he’s got a clean record. Sentencing has been scheduled for January 6th.
And in the dusty community center of a mobile home park somewhere, Cousin Shelly, Sugar Pie and Kimmie are all toasting to this news with Dixie cups filled with Cisco and Hill Country soda! Happy America (copyright: Mama Lynn)!
The planet shifted off its axis again this afternoon, because Howard K. Stern, Dannilynn Hope, Cousin Shelly, Sugar Pie and Larry Birkhead all fell out of their chairs simultaneously after a court ruled that Anna Nicole Smith’s estate won’t get a penny from her late billionaire husband’s fortune.
At the time of her death, Anna Nicole was battling J. Howard Marshall’s family over the $300 million she claims he promised her before he passed. A lawyer for Anna’s estate said he will appeal this latest decision and take this mess back to the Supreme Court.
That means Anna Nicole licked on J. Howard Marshall’s curdled pepaw chowder and rubbed her bits on his moth balls for NOTHING! FOR NOTHING! Oh well. Dannilynn will still be fine. Bobby Trendy will take her under his sequined wing and teach her how to make a fortune super-gluing boas to pillows from the Z Gallerie outlet.