Category: Anna Farris

PEARLS! ALL THE PEARLS!

February 23, 2015 / Posted by:

A wise ho once told me “You can be classy, sassy, or assy” (truly wise words to live by), and since we’ve already covered sassy and assy, here’s Lupita Nyong’o working some classy. Lupita is the definition of class to begin with, but she could have shown up wearing a pearl-covered coochie shield and I still would have thrown her into the classy pile, because pearls are classy as hell. You could throw the trashiest, dirtiest skank in a pearl necklace (not THAT kind), and you’d be all “Excuse me, madame – may I offer you a glass of Champale and a cigarette that I didn’t roll myself just now in the bathroom?

But really, what more is there to say about Lupita Nyong’o’s amazing pearl-encrusted Oscar dress than: PEARLS. So many pearls. Every pearl. Sorry, oysters, all your pearls are belong to us. And by us, I mean Lupita; she has all your pearls now. Your job here is done, oysters; all you have now is being delicious when shucked raw and topped with mignonette sauce. And to Lupita’s stylist (who I assume is Pearl Van Oyster from The Waterville Gang), good job on the diamond earrings; I think pearls would have been too on-the-nose.

Here’s more of Lupita looking like the Atlantis entry into the Miss Universe pageant, as well as just about every other fancy dressed type at the Oscars last night, including Julianne Moore, JLo looking like the textbook definition of JLo, and the ghost of my last duvet Marion Cotillard:

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

American Treasure Betty White Won A People’s Choice Award And Was Escorted To The Stage By Captain America

January 8, 2015 / Posted by:

I’m sure my 94-year-old neighbor Mrs. Lee saw this tender moment between Betty White and Chris Evans at the 2015 People’s Choice Awards and was like “Oh, that Spider Man – such a gentleman” (because everyone is Spider Man to grandma types).

Because I stopped giving my brain exercise a long time ago, I watched the People’s Choice Awards last night. Or at least as much as my brain could handle, till it began screaming “ENOUGH!!!” and made me change the channel to something more mentally stimulating, like Pick A Puppy. But what I did see was 93-year-old life legend and sassy lil’ slice of lemon meringue pie Betty White accepting the award for Favorite TV Icon (how kind of Bruce Jenner to decline the award and give it to the next in line). Of course, an icon like Betty should never walk anywhere without a hot entourage, so hot hottie Chris Evans popped out of his seat and escorted her to the stage. Not shown: what I assume was at least 50 other dudes behind him fighting over the privilege of offering their arm to one of the Golden Girls.

But it wasn’t all about Betty. How rude, I know. Other people took home awards too, including 2014’s version of Jenna Elfman Kaley Cuoco-Sweeting for Favorite Comedic TV Actress, The Big Bang Theory for Favorite TV Show and Favorite Network TV Comedy, Melissa & Joey for Favorite Cable TV Comedy (wait, WHAT?), Tay Tay Swift and her BFF Ed Sheeran as Favorite Female and Male Artist, and Maleficent for Favorite Movie. Unfortunately, Angelina Jolie couldn’t be there in person to accept her award, because she was too busy working miracles for the Pope in Italy. You can see the whole list of winners is here, if you need that in your life.

Sadly, Betty didn’t walk the red carpet before or after the show (probably because a true icon gives the poor 2s and 3s of the world a moment in the spotlight every once in a while), but everyone else did, so here’s all the famous types from the People’s Choice awards, including Kaley Cuoco-Sweeting wearing some kind of sheer-paneled classy/slutty jumpsuit culottes thing, Anna Faris looking like a fancy Vegas bride, and Kat Dennings working that A+ goth brothel madame game:

Pics: Wenn.com

Zoe Saldana Wore Some Kind Of Backwards White Thong To The Premiere Of “Guardians Of The Galaxy”

July 22, 2014 / Posted by:

Last night was the Hollywood premiere of Guardians of the Galaxy, and for some reason Zoe Saldana showed up wearing one of Jane Fonda’s old high-waisted workout thongs over a sequinned skirt. I’m so confused. Doesn’t she know that if you’re going to wear a rib-grazing throwback thong, you need to give it the attention it deserves? Maybe you wear it over a pair of thick brown Hooters girl tights, but that’s it. Besides, a pair of high-waisted coochie-stranglers aren’t a fashion statement; they’re a symbol. A symbol that represents the Van Halen groupies and Daytona Beach strippers and the 90s beer commercial girls and all the other glamorous raunchy sluts across this great nation. Show some respect for your foreskanks, Zoe! Even Miley Cyrus knows that a front wedgie (NSFW-ish) is an honor and a privilege.

But I will say this – I do enjoy that if you cover the top half of her body and her legs, it looks like a t-bone steak that Liberace would order (“Extra glitter with a side of pizzazz, please”).

Here’s more of Zoe making the questionable decision to wear her underwear on the outside of her clothes but her bra underneath at the GotG premiere last night. Also there was former-pudding bodied hottie Chris Pratt with his muscle-hating wife Anna Faris, a very Tom Cruise-looking Bradley Cooper, and Vin Diesel, who must have huffed the exhaust fumes from his limo on the way there, because he was serving some wasted uncle at the family reunion realness.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

Chris Pratt Says Anna Faris Would Rather See His Muscles Hidden Under 8 Layers Of Chunk

July 7, 2014 / Posted by:

In order to look convincing as a Seal Team Six super soldier in Zero Dark Thirty and super space soldier Star-Lord in the upcoming film Guardians of the Galaxy (I could have just written “Nerd nerd in comic book nerd nerd” and it would have meant the same thing, right?) Chris Pratt had to retire his voluptuous vanilla pudding body and replace it with that of a roided-up gym rat. And since the superficial whores of Hollywood get a boner for oiled-up xylophone abs, Chris confessed to Glamour UK (via Belflast Telegraph) that even though his wife, Anna Faris, likes humping a human pillow, he might keep his new super-ripped body around because it’s getting him better work:

“I think I was a little naive when I first started acting, maybe ten years ago, and didn’t quite realise the impact the way you look has on the people who are making casting decisions. I thought for a while I was going to find a career playing the fat friend, and that was totally fine – it keeps you from waiting tables.”

“But doing Zero Dark Thirty opened my eyes to the idea that I could be taken more seriously as a leading man character and so I thought I’d try that. But who knows, maybe this will be the last movie I’ll be in shape for and then I’ll get fat again. My wife would appreciate it. She likes me fat.”

And Iiiiiiii don’t blaaaame her! It’s not exactly a secret that I get the vapours for bacon-stuffed butter bodies, so “Would you hit it?” doesn’t even begin to cover the feelings I have for this picture of a pre-ripped Chris Pratt. I’d hit it (with some Sweet Baby Ray’s BBQ sauce), wrap it in a can of Pillsbury crescent dough, and cancel my plans for the next 4 days. Yes, B-cup moobs with weird Skittle-sized nipples and all. My down-lows give the thumbs up to a body that looks like a mattress stuffed with marshmallows and cookie dough. And for those of you wondering “Ew, even Jonah Hill?”, the answer is a very shameful yes (acknowledge your demons).

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Open Post: Hosted By Richard Grieco

June 11, 2014 / Posted by:

The last time I posted about Richard Grieco, he was looking like Johnny Depp if Johnny Depp was bit by a zombie, fell into a vat of boiling oil and spent his days smoking meth off of a tin spoon under the pier at the beach (“So you mean, like Johnny Depp today?” – you). Well, what a difference a year, a bottle of Bonne Bell foundation, a haircut by a speed freak with arthritic hands and some old L.A. Looks gel makes!

Richard Grieco graced the lessers with his presence at last night’s L.A. premiere of 22 Jump Street, because well, the producers promised him a couple of drink tickets and a half-carton of Reds if he showed up. While a bunch of borings showed up being boring, Richard Grieco showed them how sexy is really done. Yes, sexy IS looking like a parched turtle doing its best impersonation of Eddie Munster as a bunch of black crows attack its head. Richard Grieco still has it.

Here’s more of Richard along with pictures of others like Channing Tatum, Dave Franco and Andy Dick. I know, Richard Grieco AND Andy Dick in the same theater together. How didn’t that theater immediately fill with gallons upon gallons of crotch cream?

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash

What In The Hell Are You Doing To Your Tits?

January 9, 2014 / Posted by:

Malin Akerman brings the T, you bring the shade.

While flipping channels last night, I stopped on CBS to watch the People’s Choice Awards and as soon as Malin Akerman popped up on my screen with her tits looking like two sick kids staring sadly out the window at the healthy kids playing in the front yard, I said “nope” to myself and kept it moving. Malin Akerman’s pocket hottie husband filed papers to legally quit her ass last month and I am all for dealing with a divorce by putting your chichis out, but this is not the way to do it. Bitch’s chichis look like they had a serious fight and the right one drew a line between them and told the left one to stay on its side of the chest. Aunt Sassy does not want this for you, Juna! (That’s a The Comeback reference for the three of you who watched that masterpiece.)

It looks like she put on her dress backwards, but the back of her dress is pretty much backless except for a long strip, so she didn’t wear it backwards. But she should’ve and slapped on some pasties that matched the fabric of her dress. It would’ve been a better look and I wouldn’t have the urge to organize a march or a rally to free her imprisoned titty balls.

Here’s tons of pictures from that shit last night. A tip: Just take your eyes to Kat Dennings’ powdered dough ball chichis and keep them there. Almost everything else is a wreck.

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash

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