Attention enthusiasts know that the Emmys are a tasteful affair; you’ve got to balance out your ass with some class. Thankfully, Ariel Winter showed everyone last night how to do it. Ariel came in a dress by Steven Khalil featuring not one, but two crotch-high leg slits. Angelina, who? I’m sure her dress was very expensive, so for those of you hoping to find the look for less, I would probably suggest Craigslist the day after the next AVN awards.
Natalie Portman is currently knocked up with her second kid, so I can see why she’d want to show up to the Critics’ Choice Awards last night wearing your auntie’s two best tablecloths as a dress. When you’re shuffling down a red carpet for two, your number one priority is comfort. Your legs are tired, your arms are tired, your stomach looks like the overstuffed backpack of an airplane passenger that refuses to check a bag. Sometimes you just want to wear a cape-thing and call it a night.
Natalie took home the Critics’ Choice Award for Best Actress for her Jackie. I like to think Natalie kept with the throwback theme and her ensemble was an homage to 1960s maternity wear. Based on years of research (Joan and Betty’s pregnancies on Mad Men), I believe if you got knocked up in the 1960s you were legally required to dress like a deflated shower gel pouf.
It wasn’t all floaty-fabric capes. There were also floaty-fabric robes too.
My Girl is probably going to get dragged to the edge of the earth and back for wearing my mom’s bedding set from the 90s (I’m not joking, that looks exactly like my mom’s bedding set from the 90s) to the Emmys tonight, but I, for one, love it and want to curl up in it and drink ro-zay out of the bottle while watching a Flip or Flop marathon.
Anna Chlumsky had a baby pulled out of her body about two months ago, so I can’t hate on her for saying to herself, “You know, I don’t want to get out of bed, so I’m going to bring the bed with me.” She wore a bedspread, a pillow case and a damn bedskirt.
Anna had the right idea, though. She’s been to this shit before. She knows it’s more boring than a second season episode of Bloodline and longer than the Hammaconda, so she came prepared. While all of the other fools sit uncomfortably in their seat while wearing some tight ass dress, she can wrap that long bedspread train around her body and go mimi times. Well played, My Girl!