Category: Animal Stories

Open Post: Hosted By A Model Getting Attacked By Pigs On The Beach

February 13, 2019 / Posted by:

HAHAHAHAHA!! Ok, now that that’s out of the way. I think when Venezuelan fitness model Michelle Lewin watched the Fyre Festival documentary she paid no attention to the lies, scandal and infamy surrounding that cautionary tale of fuckery. Her attention span decreased to zero after the scene where the models frolicked with the pigs and probably thought, “Ooooh, look at the little piggies! We must shoot there at once!” Flash forward to embarrassment and red pig bites on your ass and now she’s probably wishing for a do-over.

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Open Post: Hosted By The Seal Who Just Wants To Be Friends With A Butterfly

August 31, 2018 / Posted by:

Sometimes you just have odd couples that make you wonder how they got together in the first place…like Sonny and Cher, peanut butter and bananas, and that time Paris HiltonLindsay Lohan, and Britney Spears all hung out (yes, I know that is technically a throuple, but cut me some slack: it’s Friday!). Well, if you happened to find yourself at the Oregon Zoo in Portland recently, you may have seen a new odd couple: Kaya, a baby harbor seal, saw a butterfly on the other side of the glass to her tank and decided she just wants to be where the people, er, butterflies are!

Like all good flirts in the club, Kaya just kinda wanders alongside the butterfly and stares it dead in the eyes like the creepiest of stalkers. Then, it turns into some light hovering and chasing before you see Kaya start to wave and do flips to charm her new friend. I mean, Kaya totally wants to eat the damn thing like it’s a good mid-morning snack, but, thanks to that glass, we can all tell ourselves it’s a magical moment of friendship. Plus, the next round of acid trip Lisa Frank folders can include butterflies and seals skipping through a hologram forest!

Pic: YouTube


Rose McGowan Got Sued For Millions After Her Dog Left A Woman Brain-Damaged

March 17, 2016 / Posted by:

Rose McGowan must already be feeling the effects of that big ass lawsuit. Rose is trying to save money by not buying clothes and is going out wearing shirts made of napkins and crib skirts.

Rose’s rep confirms to People that she’s been hit with a multi-million dollar lawsuit from a woman who has apparently been in a bad way and it’s thanks to one of her dogs. TMZ was first to report the sad, shitty news. An 85-year-old woman named Elna Ebner (who may or may not be named after a silent movie star) is suffering from extreme brain damage and has been lying in a bed with 24/7 care after Rose’s dog Mrs. Noodle jumped on her, causing her to fall and crack her head on the cement. Elna says that she and her daughter were on a walk in the Hollywood Hills when Rose’s dog walker approached with Mrs. Noodle and a smaller dog friend.

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A Bunch Of Endangered Bird Nests Almost Got Trampled During A Taylor Swift Video Shoot In New Zealand

November 27, 2015 / Posted by:

Because Taylor Swift has made it her life goal to be the closest thing we have to a real-life Disney princess, I naturally assumed that meant she was BFFs with the world’s most adorable animals. Yes, only the adorable ones; just like her sugar cookie squad, you have to be cute to get a membership card. (Sorry spiders and that disgusting fish that looks like Ziggy).

But apparently that’s not true! According to BBC News, a bunch of tiny adorable endangered birds in New Zealand almost found themselves homeless this week after Tay Tay decided to film a music video on the beach where they nest. “I can relate” said Ian McKellen. New Zealand conservationists are claiming that birdie homes belonging to the New Zealand dottorel (also known as the New Zealand plover) were at risk of being destroyed after the crew responsible for working on Tay Tay’s new video, Cherokee Films, drove too many trucks onto Bethells Beach during filming. Apparently they had a permit for two, but witnesses claim there were at least a dozen ripping through the tiny bird-sized streets of Plover Place.

ONE News New Zealand got a picture during Taylor’s video shoot, and I don’t see any trucks. Then again, I don’t see any birds, either, so who knows? Maybe the birds and the trucks are having a rumble behind the honey wagon.

Cherokee Films has since released a statement saying that Tay Tay and her management team aren’t at fault for this mess, and had no involvement in planning where on the beach the video would be shot. They also claim they didn’t hurt any birdies or violate any permits.

Even though none of the plover nests got crushed during filming, Cherokee Films announced they were going to make a donation to the dottorel/plover breeding program. Too late, Cherokee Films! I’m sure Tay Tay has already started planning how to “please welcome…” all those birds to the stage to help her drag your ass through song.

Pic: Splash

Boo And Pistol Depp Have Been Saved!

May 15, 2015 / Posted by:

Johnny Depp and Amber Heard’s Yorkies, Boo and Pistol, will not be put down and turned into weave pieces for Queen Gina of The Real Housewives of Melbourne to wear. Australia’s Minister of Agriculture, Barnaby Joyce, threatened Boo and Pistol with a date with the Grim Reaper if they didn’t leave the country. Boo and Pistol escaped death and are now on a private jet headed back to the US.

This highly important international incident all started when Johnny Depp brought Boo and Pistol into Australia without following the country’s quarantine laws. Boo and Pistol were supposed to spend 10 days in a government quarantine facility. They didn’t. So Barnaby Joyce signed their deportation papers. Australia gave Johnny and Amber 50 hours to send their Yorkies back to the US. Johnny and Amber had until Saturday to put their Yorkies on a plane and they did just that on Friday night (Australia time).

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Paging Cesar Milan! Paging Cesar Milan!

May 1, 2015 / Posted by:

Pictured here is a pampered princess with a rhinestone-encrusted asshole who will bite for blood if you touch her with your peasant hand. Next to her is a dog named Samantha who will also bite for blood if you touch her with your peasant hand.

One of my pet peeves (I am not proud of that pun) is handsy, rude strangers who think the world is their own personal petting zoo and they can touch my dog without asking. Trick, you don’t know my dog’s life! My dog has never snapped at a stranger who creeps into his personal space and that may or may not having something to do with me whispering the words, “If you snap at someone, you’ll have to go live with Cesar Milan,” into his ear every time we watch The Dog Whisperer together. Whenever a stranger pets my dog without asking, I want to bite their hand. It’s not like he’s wearing a sign that reads “Touch Me If You Want To.” I’m the one wearing that sign on my forehead, not him. But anyway, the flight attendant in this story learned the hard way that sometimes petting a stranger’s dog without asking can put you in the ER.

Page Six says that on Tuesday, Barbra Streisand and her luxurious pooch Samantha were flying from NYC to DC on a private jet owned by billionaire Ron Perelman. Samantha was luxuriously lounging on a chair when a flight attendant decided to come over and pet the 12-year-old Coton de Tulear. (Side note: That breed’s name is so fancy that my pinky finger went up while typing it.) The flight attendant didn’t do that thing where you let the dog sniff the back of your hand before petting them. When she put her hand on Samantha, that fancy ball of white fluff responded by biting her. That is the international sign for “Look, Don’t Touch, Bitch.” And you thought Heather Cho was the most dangerous bitch on a plane.

The bite was so deep that the flight attendant needed stitches in her hand. I’m surprised Babs didn’t feel that cut with liquid buttah by serenading the flight attendant’s hand with a song. Barbra immediately apologized to both Ron and the flight attendant. Her rep gave this statement:

“This never happened before and Barbra apologized profusely to the flight attendant.”

I smell a lawsuit…or maybe my dog farted again.

A source also said (no, they didn’t) that once they landed, Barbra immediately took Samantha to a vet. No, Barbra didn’t have Samantha put to sleep. She had her teeth replaced with porcelain veneers because they got tainted with the blood of a peasant!

Pic: Animal Fair

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