Jim Marchese Of “The Real Housewives Of New Jersey” Refuses To Pay For His Gay Son’s College 

Former Real Housewives of New Jersey douche/villian Jim Marchese has found new ways to be a douch(er) and angrier villian since leaving the show. This time he decided not to pay for his son’s college because he found out his son is gay. Looks like Satan and trash have a new evil piece of garbage to look up to (no offense to Satan and garbage).

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Kylie Jenner’s Deal With Puma Hurt Kanye West’s Feelings

Kanye West took a break from throwing darts at his Lil’ Chatty Narcissist™ phrase wall and tweeting whatever words he landed on to catch a plane out of LAX yesterday. I’m not sure why, but it could be because he finally got a meeting with two rich investors named Scrooge McDuck and Rich Uncle Pennybags. And from what Mr. Peanut told him, they’re very interested.

While walking though the airport, TMZ asked him what he thought about Kylie Jenner’s million-dollar deal with Puma. Remember when Kanye said that the deal would never ever happen because she would never go against the family like that? Well, Kanye knows that Kanye sort of fucked up on that one. According to Kanye, his tweets couldn’t have had any influence on Kylie’s decision because he wrote them after she had signed a contract with Puma. Kanye says he “was mad for a little bit” (I wonder if he called her a “fake ass” when he found out?), but that he’s “really happy for her now.”

Kanye also told the paps at LAX that he’s ok with everyone laughing at him while he begs billionaires for money because we can “feel his energy” and know where he’ll be in the future. I wonder if Kanye’s future includes all those people who bought The Life of Pablo actually getting a finished copy of it.

Then Kanye kiki’d with another pap who asked him how he felt about when Taylor Swift (“…fake ass“) swatted at him during her Album of the Year acceptance speech.

“It’s like, I want the best for that person, but there’s people going through real issues out here. There’s people out of work. There’s people in debt that can’t make it out of the debt. There’s people that’s in debt that don’t have a shoe.”

“If they’re looking for a shoe, they could always check the dumpster behind my brother’s house” giggled Tay Tay.

Here’s Kanye’s sister-in-law all kleaned up for a fashion show yesterday. You know, I almost didn’t recognize her. But then I saw the contrast in color between her face and hands and everything clicked into place.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

The Difficult Brown Is Getting Sued For Millions

Dear staff at the receiving anger management rehab center: hide yo chairs, pad yo walls and hope that Chris Brown has learned something in group therapy because the old, ragey asshole Chris will lose his shit over Frank Ocean’s cousin suing him for over $3 million.

TMZ says that Sha’Keir Duarte has filed papers in his lawsuit against Chris, asking for millions in damages stemming from a fight between Fist, Frank and their respective groups of hangers on and bodyguards. The breakdown is $1 million for pain, suffering and inconvenience, $1 million for emotional distress, $1 million for punitive damages and $60k for medical expenses. Chris had already countersued Duarte, falling back on the super-mature argument of toddlers everywhere- “he started it!“.

$60,000 in medical bills?? What kind of fight are we talking here because unless they all took lessons from the queen of the motherfucking throw down, that sounds a bit excessive. Maybe a hospital stay was required after Sha’Keir exhausted himself circling around Chris’s posse for twenty minutes before anybody even threw a punch. Straight thuggin’.

If we’re just going to throw lawsuits at Chris for pain and suffering, I’d like to sue him for a millions just for the emotional distress resulting from going to six fucking weddings where the bride and groom insisted on doing the “Forever” entrance, unless he wants to settle it the old fashioned way. He’d better watch his back, because Chris wouldn’t stand a chance against my sweet windmill arm moves and my expert sparring training. COME AT ME, BREEZY!

(Pic: Wenn)

Sean Penn Threatens To Play ‘Here Comes The Airplane’ With A Fan’s Cellphone

Does anyone have Robin Wright’s contact information? I’m asking because I just started eating healthy (I have such bad cheeseburger shakes, you have no idea) and I need some advice on how to stick with it. Drinking shitty kale juice 14 days in a row is nothing compared to being married to Sean Penn for 14 years; her tenacity for putting up with non-stop bullshit is inspiring. So yeah, I’d like to email her and ask if she has some kind of secret way to convince your brain not to give up and stick with something that goes against your better judgement.

Speaking of eating things (what I wouldn’t do for a Spicy McChicken right now) TMZ has a video of Sean Penn (here we go) using some pretty creative language to lose his mind on a fan. You can call Sean Penn Golden Corral, because he’s serving up an all-you-can-eat cellphone brunch buffet:

Sean Penn went nuclear on a fan in a fancy San Francisco hotel last night — threatening to jack the guy up after Sean caught him trying to sneak a cell phone pic … and TMZ has the explosive footage.

Penn was at the Lobby Bar at the St. Regis Hotel in the Financial District … when he saw a flash go off from another patron’s cell phone and realized the guy was trying to take a photo.

A witness at the bar tells TMZ … Penn bolted after the guy (who wasn’t a paparazzo) … and screamed at him, “Do we look like f**king zoo animals?”

Penn — who was in town to speak at a sales conference — also grabbed the man’s phone and slammed it to the ground.

And that’s when Sean Penn jumped into a fat suit and a pair of orange Crocs and told the fan to wash his hands for dinner, because he was going to make him “eat the phone”.

But really, that’s the best he could do? “I’ll make you eat the phone”? Sean Penn sounds like an angry dad trying not to swear as his kid goes apeshit in line at a Walmart on a Friday night. All he wants to do is scream “GET THE FUCK BACK IN THE GODDAMN SHOPPING CART, JAYDEIN” but he knows that will set in motion 12 nosy old lady types ratting him out to Walmart security. So instead, he has to settle on “Please put down that gosh-darn bag of Skittles, your actions are giving me a super-duper frowny-face.”

Alec Baldwin Apologizes For Homophobic Slur After His MSNBC Show Is Suspended

Alec Baldwin has made a hobby out of turning into a raging anger bear any time he’s within a foot of another human being. He’s the rich man version of the homeless guy I used to pass at the train station years ago who would scream at people walking past if he didn’t like the outfit they were wearing. There’s nothing like starting your day off hearing, “Ain’t nobody wearing pantyhose anymore, skinny bitch!” on your way to an agonizingly boring minimum wage job, realizing that everybody on the damn planet has better fashion sense than you do.

TMZ says that Alec has been suspended from his MSNBC show for two nights after admitting he called a pap a “cocksucking fag”, not “fathead” as he originally claimed. Alec issued a statement that reeks of eye rolls, jack off motions, and PR spin.

Baldwin released a statement saying … “I did not intend to hurt or offend anyone with my choice of words, but clearly I have – and for that I am deeply sorry.” 

Alec seems to be rationalizing his rage though, saying … “What I said and did this week, as I was trying to protect my family, was offensive and unacceptable.”

In his apology Baldwin concedes, “Words are important. I understand that, and will choose mine with great care going forward.  Behavior like this undermines hard-fought rights that I vigorously support.”

Alec pisses me off so much, I just keep focusing on those adorable puppies he has so I don’t completely lose it. Here’s a translation of his statement: “I’m only apologizing because someone told me to, I don’t really give a rat’s ass what you think and stay tuned next week when I trip over a curb in the dark and call it the n-word”. Alec has already tried to redefine what “queen” means, it’s only a matter of time before he reads a page from the Alec Baldwin Dictionary and tries to tell us racial slurs are the same thing as using the fuck word when we trip on the sidewalk.

Here is Alec in New York getting some help blocking the press. Since words are so important to him now, I hope he at least thanked them with a pat on the back and a “thoughtful little pig”. Kids today, though. Whatever happened to helping frail old ladies across the street? You don’t get good deed credit for helping someone who looks like they would throw a haymaker at the mirror if they thought their reflection was about to talk shit. Those kids are probably in it for the inevitable Vine they will milk for all it’s worth even though it will be 5.5 seconds of the ground and 0.5 seconds of Alec’s ear.

Assholes have all the luck, though. I can only hope my savior comes to me someday in the form of a kid in a hat with ear flaps who looks like he just spent the last six months bumming around European hostels.

(Photos via Splash)