Category: Angelyne

Wonks VS. Angelyne (Is There Really Any Competition?)

February 6, 2014 / Posted by:

Right above “wearing UGGs with coochie cutters,” “driving a pink car when your government name is not Angelyne or you’re not one of Mary Kay’s top associates” should be against the law in L.A. THIS IS ILLEGAL!

The permanent oozing herp sore on humanity’s peen tip that is Parasite Hilton drove up to Barney’s yesterday in one of the only cars big enough to hold her hooves. While dressed like a vapid piece of spoiled trash who’s daddy made her get a job in his real estate firm as a junior agent, Wonks got out of her pink slime Bentley in Beverly Hills. Angelyne doesn’t only have a gift for showing civilization what true glamour is, but she also has a gift for impeccable timing. Because while Wonky was doing that, Angelyne was in front of a newsstand in Hollywood showing basic bland whores like Wonky how a true goddess gets out of a pink chariot.

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Face up, tits out, legs crossed. GAME POINT!

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

Please Welcome Dlisted’s New Interns!

October 21, 2013 / Posted by:

Pictured: One of Dlisted’s new interns making a beef jerky and MD 20/20 run for the office this morning.

You already know that Dlisted is a first-class corporation (read: the opposite of that) that operates out of a first-class office building (read: the same room where I sleep and watch marathons of HGTV’s first ever soft-core gay porn show Cousins Undercover while eating Bisquick powder out of the box with a spoon) and now it’s even more professional thanks to my two new interns. I got a Cocosbuttload of amazing responses to my post, so I brought on two interns instead of just one.

So welcome Megan (better known to commenters as ISprainedMyUvula) and Allison. Starting today, Megan and Allison will drop in a post or three here and there in between doing behind-the-scenes important company stuff like organizing our offices’ move to Dildo Island. Don’t worry, I’ve already hazed them both by making them stare into the terrifying and hypnotizing eyes of Phoebe Price while cropping a dozen pictures of her and by searching Google for any new topless pictures of Carrot Top.

And I’ll let you decide which one of them looks exactly like Angelyne. (SPOILER ALERT: Neither of them. They wish!)

Pics: Splash

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Angelyne Takes A Tumble

April 22, 2013 / Posted by:

The inventor of cement, the makers of wedge flip-flops, Sir Isaac Newton’s estate, the paparazzo who shot this, Los Angeles County and who ever built that curb should all face felony charges for their role in the crime against natural beauty that happened in Beverly Hills the other day.

While sashaying into a building in Beverly Hills, Hollywood’s very own hot pink unicorn Angelyne tripped on the curb and nearly fell on her exquisitely crafted porcelain face. God would’ve been so damn mad if something happened to his greatest creation. You can say that it’s Angelyne’s fault since she was covering her face Amanda Bynes-style. But Angelyne has to cover her gorgeous face or everyone around her will go into shock from being that close to her beauty. So Angelyne was doing humanity a favor and this is what she gets for it?!

And you know, I have a feeling this was all staged by Angelyne to make all of us think that she’s a mere mortal. Because we all know that Angelyne could’ve easily sprouted her pink angel wings and flown her face to safety.

Bless Your Eyes With Some Angelyne

October 7, 2012 / Posted by:

The sole reason for why I’m moving back to Los Angeles put the taste of strawberry Pop Rocks and half-melted watermelon Jolly Ranchers in mouths of those lucky to be around her when she spread her legs and poured out the glamour for an EXCLUSIVE cover photo shoot that I’m assuming is for French Vogue (or Harper’s Bazaar Fraggle Rock, or a special edition of the Pennysaver marketed only to raver Gremlins, or for a billboard that will be seen on the highway to Heaven). Angelyne really is an expert multi-tasker and serious business woman, because when she wasn’t posting her exquisitely drawn brows off in the parking lot of a Coffee Bean, she sold autographed t-shirts from the trunk of her Corvette to her loyal fan.

The paps also managed to capture the magical and enchanting moment when Lil’ Miss Magic Hair’s grandma gave us an accidental crotch shot, and no, she’s not wearing pantyhose. Angelyne just naturally has the crotch of a pantyhose doll. Oh, and you can’t tell from these pictures, but both Courtney Stodden and Shauna Sand were off camera worshiping at the sight of the foremother of exquisite glamour.

No One Stops Traffic Like Angelyne

August 12, 2012 / Posted by:

Because when her osteoporosis causes her to slightly toot her booty out, grilles get wrecked! She should come with orange cones and a detour sign she’s so fiery hot.

Los Angeles makes me uneasy. I’m pale and kinda pudgy and every time I’ve been there, I’ve felt like a glowing orb of dough. Here in Boston, everyone’s fat and drinks a lot. It’s comforting. Also, we don’t have earthquakes. We do, however, have faulty air conditioning on the T this summer. My apologies to everyone that I have showered in my sweat in the past three months while riding to work. A visual aid: It’s like that scene in Flashdance when Jennifer Beals‘ stand-in dumps the water all over herself and twerks it wet. Because I was wearing a g-string and pasties, too.

I’d feel so much better about LA if I’d ever had the intense luck to have an Angelyne sighting. She’s like finding a crumpled $20 in a pair of clean jeans or living in Mobile, Alabama and spotting the leprechaun!

When an individual who looks like Mrs. Slocombe from Are You Being Served’s mentally ill daughter gently alights onto the LA streets wearing Jan Crouch’s pink weekend merkin on her head and every piece of make-up in her vintage Caboodles on her face, you bow down. You help her pump her gas, and you buy a t-shirt from the trunk of her signature pink corvette.

And if you’re really enterprising, you sneak yourself into that trunk when she drives away. Because you know this gem is a hoarder and she must hoard some AMAZING shit at her assuredly sparkly yet depressing condo. Wigs, cut-outs of herself, costume jewelry, inflatable furniture, all of her deceased pets taxidermied and dyed pink, and every deep, dark, and dastardly secret Hollywood ever had. Why would you not go?

Improve your day by checking our more pics of Angelyne in the gallery.

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Today’s Dose Of Glamoooooooooooor Brought To You By Angelyne

October 27, 2011 / Posted by:

And imagine if you saw this vision live and in person…..

The lucky soul who did probably had the day’s shit covering his retinas and it all melted onto the 1-ply carpet as soon as he swung open the doors to the Kinko’s (please don’t make me call it FedEx Office) in Hollywood and gazed upon the Garbage Pail Goddess gracefully waiting for the photocopies of her glamour shots that she sells in the back of her trunk (true story). When Angelyne’s Whatever Happened to Baby Jane? meets Popples weave swung around, he stared deep into her beautiful Japanese Chin on acid face and suddenly a shot of Pixie Stix syrup hit the back of his throat. Angelyne grabbed her copies, fluffed her vintage Limited Too! jacket and disappeared into the sunlight in a cloud of cotton candy powder.

As soon as he got home, he fell back onto his bed to recover from the beauty he witnessed today and suddenly he felt something poking him in the back. He rolled over and found two Strawberry Skittles and a pink ecstasy tab waiting for him. Of course, he made a Strawberry Skittles and ecstasy sandwich, and then popped it into his mouth. He fell back onto his bed for a second time, stared at the glittery popcorn ceiling above him and allowed his insides to dance to the imaginary music in his head as all of the glittery popcorn ceiling fell around him like gay snow. That’s when he knew that if his eyes were never blessed by the vision of the Fraggle Rock Queen none of this would be happening.

What I’m getting at is that Angelyne is magic. What I’m also getting at is that Angelyne makes people temporarily high, which explains this fucking post.

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