Brad Pitt is going to be spending a lot more time with his children now that a judge (who I’m guessing has since been swallowed up by Hell for fucking with St. Angie Jolie) ordered St. Angie to stop keeping their kids from him. But sadly, the child army isn’t going to get laughs from watching daddy’s brain slowly melt out of his ear holes as his architect/MIT professor girlfriend Neri Oxman says hard words like “chair” and “table” while talking about architecture. Because Page Six says that Brad has lost out on his very own Amal Clooney. Neri has decided to stick with her hedge fund billionaire boyfriend.
Brad Pitt may be Brad Pitt, but he’s also got six kids and is in the middle of a chunky shit storm of a divorce fight with a controlling ex. Listening to your boyfriend scream at his ex over the phone as the child army covers you with shaving cream and toilet paper as a joke < sucking on champagne-covered diamonds out of a crystal flute on a private jet to some island you’ve never heard of as your billionaire boyfriend makes big money deals on the phone. That bitch Brad didn’t stand a chance.
A Judge Dared To Tell St. Angie Jolie That She’ll Lose Primary Custody Of Kids If She Doesn’t Let Them See Brad Pitt
St. Angie Jolie and Brad Pitt’s divorce battle royale has lasted longer than By The Sea (which was only 2 hours and 12 minutes, but felt like a 20-year coma which you pray you stay in so you don’t have to wake up to their overacting), and one of the major things they’re fighting over is the custody arrangement of their child army. Apparently, Angie has been “err” about sharing custody with the child army because she doesn’t trust Brad to not bust out another drunk dad meltdown. Recently, there was a rumor that Angie was pissed that she couldn’t move her kids to London where she’s filming Maleficent 2 because Brad didn’t want to leave Los Angeles. UsWeekly says that a new temporary custody agreement has been reached, and what the judge in the case said to Angie may cause horns to sprout out of her head before she wreaks havoc on the American judicial system. The judge spit at her for keeping the kids from their father, and threatened to rip primary physical custody out of her claws if she doesn’t play nice. As one of my favorite philosophers of 2010 said: Oh here go hell come!
While Angelina Jolie may be all about that art house director life, I think she must have realized ain’t nobody want to see that gore…and she has 900 mouths to feed! Since Angie starred in Maleficent and learned just how many zeroes a Disney check can add to a bank account, it appears she’s ready for more, more, more! Coming soon: Angie as Peter Pan! Angie as Captain Hook! Angie as Minnie Mouse!
After she wraps up Maleficent 2, she’s potentially joining forces with David Oyelowo to do a movie that’s supposed to be a prequel to Alice In Wonderland. Continue reading
According to Page Six, if Angelina Jolie had her druthers, the child army would be grabbing their Europe summer bags (they probably have pre-packed luggage for every season and continent at the ready) and headed to London to be with her while she films Maleficent 2. But no matter how many withering sighs (band name alert!) she utters, Angie can’t get around the rules of her ongoing custody battle with William Bradley Pitt. Us Weekly reports that Brad purposefully chose projects filming in Los Angeles and rearranged his summer schedule just so he can spend time with the kids.
According to People Queen Elizabeth loves trees. Angelina Jolie also loves trees. No reason why the two shouldn’t hook up and enjoy some trees together. I bet Lizzy’s got some sweet emerald encrusted bongs in her Crown Jewels drawer. Angie will be appearing in an ITV documentary called The Queen’s Green Planet and as I’m typing this I’m realizing my mistake. I think People is referring to actual trees not, you know, “trees”. So much for that fantasy. That was always more Brad’s bag anyway.
Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt’s divorce has been dragging along for close to 19 months. The Sun now claims it might soon be all over. Sources say that Angelina and Brad are currently putting the final touches on their divorce. One source says that the terms of the divorce have been agreed upon, and that things are ending amicably. Since everything before that was messy, I’m going to assume that in this case amicably is actually an acronym that stands for: Avoiding a Mess by Isolating and Corralling Angelina & Brad in separate rooms to prevent proLonged bouts of Yelling.