Ain’t nobody got time to air side pieces during a normal divorce proceeding because that just screams, “Discretionary cash! Gimme half!”
There were tabloid murmurs that Brad Pitt and Charlize Theron were casually doing it after meeting on the set of a shoot for Breitling watches (see: above) six months ago. But some people took that with a grain of salt since Brad is friends with Charlize’s ex, Sean Penn. Brad seems lucid enough these days to know so much as a sneeze in front of Sean can set him off, so I’d imagine he’d steer clear of boinking the lady Sean used to be boinking. Alas, we’re now at an impasse: some people say they’re definitely NOT a thing while others say they definitely ARE – but don’t want to make a deal out of it until he and Angelina Jolie are no longer legally bound.
Yeah, it’s The Sun but it’s Sunday, so let’s run with it, shall we? Charlize Theron and Brad Pitt are reportedly a thing now, after “kindling their romance over the Christmas period.” And they were supposedly introduced by Charlize’s craggy and cranky ex Sean Penn! Sure, you’re slightly shaking your head at how this one is total bullshit by my, wouldn’t it make the veins in Angie’s forehead pop with rage if it was true? Charlize doesn’t waste time trying to cultivate a saintly image at the UN! She shills perfume in beautifully shot television ads, makes movies, and lives her damn life. We like that in a screen goddess!
Now that her divorce with Brad Pitt has moved past the custody phase (I think? Like I don’t want to jinx her), Angelina Jolie is starting the follow-up struggle: recovering her tattered public persona. It’s hard to come out of a malicious divorce without looking like an evil bitch, and considering how many “sources” were popping up to spill some tea, Angie definitely didn’t. But here she is talking about her kids, so how can she be a bitch?
Oprah hinted and the people said “Noprah”. The Rock announced and the people said “nah bruh”. We told Kid Rock to kick rocks, and accused Oscar De La Hoya of having rocks in his head when he announced he wanted to run for President of The United States. But now, a new potential candidate has emerged. One whom The Telegraph claims is “cited as one of the most influential and powerful people in the American entertainment industry.” A saintly figure whose inability to compromise or close a deal would surely lead us to the brink of disaster. But she does come with her own army so maybe we could save some money there. Of course I’m talking about Angelina Jolie, who recently hinted on BBC Radio Four’s Today that she might consider running for president.
Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt may be stitching up the gaping wounds they gave each other during their wreck of a custody fight, which has wrapped up (for now), but those damn sources are still talking and adding more layers of messiness to this tragic saga that already has more messy layers than me walking to my mailbox in 60 degree weather (moving back to California gave me lizard veins and skin, okay?). A source tells UsWeekly (via The Daily Mail) that Brad thinks his relationship with two of his sons, 17-year-old Maddox and 15-year-old Pax, is broken, and that could be from something Angie said to Pax. The source claims that Angie told Pax that Brad never wanted to adopt him. “Aaaah, I always knew that halo was a knock-off bought at a pawn shop and you were secretly one of us,” said Satan proudly to his fellow fallen angel Angie.
Brad and Angelina were fighting tooth, nail, and sharp cheekbone over a custody arrangement for their six kids. The alleged gist of which was that Brad wanted a reasonable amount of custody and Angelina didn’t want to give it to him. Brad and Angelina came to a decision, but it’s only temporary, and it states that Brad will gain more visitation over time. Sources tell The Blast that as of right now, Brad gets less than 50% custody of the kids. Even though Brad is currently sitting on less than 50% custody, a source tells UsWeekly that Brad got exactly what he wanted.
However, that increase in visitation is likely to happen after Brad and Angelina finalize all the financial parts of their divorce. There are hundreds of millions of dollars worth of property and money that need to be sorted out before everything is 100% wrapped up.
Brad and Angelina seemed to really enjoy yanking each other’s chains during this whole custody process. So of course it feels a little strange that the custody part it would end (for now) on such a smooth note. The custody agreement was just…filed? Like, filed normally? Dropped off on someone’s desk, without any yelling or tearing of the folder it was filed in? If I were the person responsible for accepting those papers, I would have opened them with an old priest and a young priest standing close by. Because if it’s too good to be true, then it probably is, and those papers are cursed.