There are two things that will always make Chelsea Handler’s heart skip a beat: hearing the words “Can I top up your drink ma’am?” and being given an opportunity to publicly drag Angelina Jolie. And that’s just what she did during an appearance last night’s Watch What Happens Live! in Los Angeles.
An audience member named Eric, or as Chelsea knows him – “blessed angel sent from petty bitch heaven” – asked her what she would say to Angelina if they were stuck in an elevator. Chelsea probably had the FCC nervous that she was about to release two full minutes worth of expletives. But Chelsea said that she wouldn’t say a thing.
“I would just…I would just look up. Exactly what people do in elevators, you know when you fake look at the number because you just don’t want to make eye contact? That would be exactly the elevator ride. And then I’d go, ‘Hey!’ as I walked out.”
If Hell freezes over and Chelsea does one day find herself riding an elevator with her favorite “fucking lunatic,” I hope she’s prepared in the event her plan backfires. I can only imagine how many drinks she’ll need if Angelina chases after her and offers an autograph. “I know you were too nervous to ask. Now, who should I make this out to?”
Here’s Chelsea at the Netflix Comedy Panel For Your Consideration event in Beverly Hills on Tuesday.
Earlier this month, Brad Pitt opened up to GQ Style about his new life as a sober single dad and his initially messy custody battle with Angelina Jolie. Brad was so thorough, publishers could have taken that interview, bound it in book form, and attached a cover that read Brad Pitt’s Current Life for Dummies. There must have been some people who were in a deep coma when his GQ interview was released, because the Associated Press talked to Brad about his upcoming Netflix movie War Machine and he talked about being a changed man again.
Angelina Jolie and her daddy Jon Voight have had a messy on-again off-again relationship for so long, that I’m never really sure where they’re at at any given time. Remember how Papa Jon found out about Angie’s 2014 wedding like the rest of us, aka through the press? Naturally I just figured she was still sending most of his calls directly to voicemail. However, it looks like Angelina decided to do some charity work this week.
E! News says that on Wednesday night, Angelina was seen leaving a sushi restaurant in Beverly Hills with Jon Voight. Because nothing says “We honestly don’t hate each other!” like hanging out with one of Brad Pitt’s biggest fans.
— E! News (@enews) May 11, 2017
They were also joined by Zahara, Pax, Vivienne, and Knox. Or as Jon knows them: Shakira, Backpack, Vaseline, and Socks.
Earlier in the week, at the King Arthur premiere in Los Angeles, Jon Voight told E! News that “Angie’s doing good.” Okay Jon, if you want to keep getting invited to sushi dinners with the inner circle, you might want to cool it with any more comments. Angelina and Brad have worked very hard on their post-split image of being all Zen-like and down-to-earth, and Angelina really doesn’t need any conflicting statements coming from her blabbermouth daddy. I know Angelina and Jon were getting sushi, but were they really? Or did Don Angelina and her crew bring Jon to the sushi restaurant to deliver a message that unless he wants to sleep with the fishes, he should stick to the script. “Good? Excuse me, I’m doing better than I have in years. Get it straight.”
Brad Pitt let it be known during his interview with GQ Style that he’s turned a corner in his life, and he’s done with booze and is about his feelings now. Brad talked a lot about how he’s playing nice with Angelina Jolie for the sake of their six kids. He’s gone from being the human version of a slamming screen door to the sound of sea shell wind chimes. There’s another reminder that he and Angie have stopped dragging each other for now.
E! News says that Brad told Angelina about his GQ Style interview before it was published. A source claims Brad is “committed to having a healthy relationship with her” and didn’t want there to be any surprises. The source adds that Brad and Angelina are continuing to “co-parent successfully.”
It’s not known exactly how Brad gave Angelina a heads up about his interview, so it’s all up for speculation at this point. Maybe he called her. Maybe he pinned a note to one of the kids during their weekly hand-off that said “Yo, gonna be in a magazine – Big B.” Whatever happened, it seems like long gone are the days in which this story would include a quote from a source claiming that Brad purposely hid his interview from Angelina because he gets his jollies from picturing her cheekbones vibrate with rage.
When St Angie Jolie said words about the fall of Brangelina in Cambodia in February, she kept it pretty short and let us know that her most private thoughts are still locked in her bulging forehead vein of protection. It’s now Brad Pitt’s turn to say words about everything that’s happened and the human form of Rodin’s The Thinker really spilled out all of his thoughts.
To promote his new movie War Machine for Netflix, Brad did a photo shoot for GQ Style at “America’s Greatest National Parks,” the Everglades, White Sands and Carlsbad Caverns. All of the pictures are here and they look like pictures that an art student would take if they were really inspired by Terrence Malick and wanted to artistically show all the stages of sadness. (In the pictures, Brad Pitt also looks like a fetus who just watched all of Terrence Malick’s movies in a row while totally sober.) They are that emotionally raw. And during the interview, Brad talks about breaking up with Angie, quitting boozing, making HIGH ART, and his kids. My favorite Jolie-Pitt, Jacques Jolie-Pitt, was hanging out during Brad’s interview so I’m sure that many shady bulldog side-eyes were thrown.
Chelsea Handler is talking about Jennifer Aniston’s life again. Chelsea has turned cheering for Team Aniston into a full-time job. The next time Jenny swings by Chelsea’s for a wine night, she better think about bringing a W-4 and a vacation request form.
After Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s marriage imploded, Chelsea slapped at anyone who dragged Jennifer Aniston into the drama. According to Chelsea, Jennifer didn’t have a single fuck to give about Brangelina’s demise. Chelsea recently decided to say it one more time for the people in the back who might not have heard it the first time. Chelsea was asked by UK’s You magazine (via UsWeekly) about leaping to Jennifer’s defense after the news broke of her ex-husband’s divorce. Chelsea doesn’t have to defend her friend, because there’s nothing to defend against.
“I don’t think Jen cares about what’s going on and it’s crazy that people think she does. As if she’s sitting around caring about [Angelina Jolie]. I know I don’t.”
Regardless of whether or not she cares about Brad and Angelina, she does have shit to say about them. Chelsea can’t help it; she’s the people’s mouth.
“I just say what most people are thinking.”
But of course Jennifer Aniston isn’t sitting around thinking about Angelina Jolie. She’s got better things to do, like selling body yogurt. Chelsea, on the other hand. A 98-year-old Chelsea is going to be in a Hollywood nursing home hooked up to an oxygen tank hissing “Listen, Jennifer doesn’t care that Angelina Jolie donated her mashed peas at lunch this afternoon, and neither do I.”
Here’s Jennifer Aniston in leather and her husband Justin Theroux in – prepare to be shocked – a skinny tie at the Season 3 premiere of The Leftovers in Los Angeles last night.