Why do I have a feeling that during Brad Pitt’s first meeting with his divorce lawyer, his lawyer said, “Okay, champ, I just want to make it clear that by ‘joint custody’ we’re not talking about custody of your joints and blunts. I’m sure you’ll get full custody of those in the divorce. We’re talking about the children.” And yes, in my mind, every dude divorce lawyer calls his client “champ.”
It was rumored that Brad Pitt was not going to just let Angelina Jolie have full physical custody of their 6 children. Brad reportedly wants 50/50 physical custody, and isn’t going to settle for “visitation rights.” USA Today says that Brad Pitt has hired big Hollywood divorce lawyer Lance Spiegel to fight for him and go up against Angelina Jolie’s lawyer, the Legal Queen of Hollywood Divorces Laura Wasser. TMZ says that Brad will 100% fight for joint physical custody and sources say that he will argue that he is not a threat to the child army in any way.
Brad Pitt hasn’t released any kind of statement about the accusation that he went all Daddie Dearest on a private jet and he may not anytime soon. Lainey is hearing that he’s afraid that anything he says may come back to kick him in the b-hole, because there may be other stories and receipts coming out. But Brad doesn’t have to talk since a source close to him is talking to People, and I refuse to believe the source is Jacques Jolie-Pitt.
And It’s Getting A Lot Messier: Brad Pitt Is Being Investigated For Child Abuse (UPDATE: The FBI Reportedly Has The Case)
Well, now the Brangelina divorce drama has gone from rumors about Brad Pitt being a mean stoner and passing his wandering fondue-covered peen to Marion Cotillard and Russian whores, and has made sharp turn into the muddy, shit-covered roads of Johnny Depp/Amber Heard territory. But instead of Brad being accused of abusing Angelina Jolie, he’s being accused of verbally and physically abusing his children.
I didn’t think she would, but Marion Cotillard has decided to drop a farté (that’s French for fart, right?) on the rumors that she boned Brad Pitt while shooting Allied and that she’s got a Pitt baby growing in her womb. Marion did confirm in an Instagram post that she’s knocked up, but said that the father of her second baby is her piece of 9 years Guillaume Canet. The Daily Mail said that Marion was “distressed” about the rumor, but she says she really doesn’t give one fuck and left a special note for the “haters.” Yes, today I learned that Oscar-winner Marion Cotillard uses the word “haters” and is serious when she uses it.
Yesterday, my thoughts and prayers were with the president of the West Coast chapter of the Brangeloonies, Chelsea Hander, because I know that Brangelina is her favorite couple in the history of love. Chelsea has said time and time again that Angelina Jolie has a wonderful soul, a kind spirit, is a girl’s girl and she wishes they were best friends. So I just knew that all day yesterday, Chelsea was probably crying out hot vodka tears while she lay in the fetal position on her bathroom floor and punched at the sky as she screamed, “Why, God, why?!” (Side note: I’m jealous of Chelsea’s dog, because I wish I could get drunk for free by licking up her vodka tears.)
I thought that Chelsea would need to take a lengthy sad-bbatical to deal with the break-up of Brangelina, but she somehow pulled her emotions together and was able to shoot an episode of her Netflix show. As her dried and chapped tear ducts quivered (since she already cried out all the liquid in her body), Chelsea gave a heartfelt eulogy for Brangelina. And of course, I mean the opposite of all of that since Chelsea hates St. Angie more than she’d hate getting eaten out by a piranha with an overbite.
Nearly right after TMZ reported that Angelina Jolie took a machete to Brangelina because the demon weed turns Brad Pitt into a mean daddy, Page Six shook their head NO to that claim. Page Six said that St. Angie hired a private investigator to follow Brad around while he shot the movie Allied in London earlier this year, and when the PI put a magnifying glass over his dick, they found poonaise sauce that came from the chocha of his co-star Marion Cotillard! Page Six’s source that Brad humping on Marion is what broke Brangie. But everyone from TMZ to People and beyond said that wasn’t so and Angie doesn’t have to awkwardly welcome her husband’s side piece to the IHA (International Homewreckers Association) because her divorce filing wasn’t brought on by cheating. The Daily Mail spoke to some source who says that it’s not true and Marion is probably devastated over being wrongly dragged into that messy situation and mislabeled as a maison dépanneuse (that’s Google French for “home wrecker.”)