Jennifer Aniston and St. Angie Jolie were in the same room last night (TMZ has riveting picture proof of it) and surprisingly they didn’t Vaseline up their faces, take off their jewelry, pull their hair back and scratch at each other while Maddox and Justin Theroux shouted, “Whoop that trick!” They didn’t run into each other and nothing happened, but hos (this ho included) made a big deal about it and Jennifer Aniston thinks we all need to move on. Jennifer told Entertainment Tonight that after 10 years, 10 million tabloid covers and 35 million blog posts (half of which probably came from this blog), it’s time for us to let go of the “Aniston vs. Brangelina” saga for once and for all. What Angelina did was very uncool, but Jennifer is long over it and wants everyone to join her.
“I think that’s slowly coming to an end. I really do. I mean, [Unbroken] is so beautiful and wonderful and she did such a gorgeous job. I think that it’s time people stop with that petty B.S. and just start celebrating great work and stop with the petty kind of silliness. It’s just tiresome and old. It’s like an old leather shoe. Let’s buy a new pair of shiny shoes.”
So if this shit is over, what are we supposed to talk about then? What are we supposed to fight about? Are we supposed to talk about the weather? Are we supposed to talk about our own boring lives? Doesn’t Jennifer Aniston know that if the feud that the media won’t let die truly dies, tabloids will crumble, people will lose their jobs and we’ll all aimlessly wander around in this new, confused world?
I see what Jennifer is really doing here. She’s trying to drop St. Angie’s guard. After those two go out for a cordial lunch, they’ll go shopping for those new shiny shoes and as St. Angie goes to try them on, Jennifer will grab that home wrecking hussy harlot whore’s hair and drag her across the floor while screaming, “Gotcha, bitch!” Yeah, that’s what’s going on and I can wait to read all about it in InTouch Weekly’s cover story titled: “Jennifer To Angelina: ‘You’re petty and tiresome!’“
The Critics’ Choice Awards were tonight and you’d think St. Angie Jolie would be busy sneaking into the houses of Oscar voters to suck out their souls and steal their children’s dreams for not throwing her a Best Director nomination, but she didn’t do that shit. She’ll save it for tomorrow night. Instead, she told Brad Pitt to stay his ass home with his bong and she threw on some shit she borrowed from the Dynasty wing of the Smithsonian (there’s a Dynasty wing at the Smithsonian, right?) and gave us some Alexis Carrington. I know, if you were next to me, you’d put on all of your rings and slap me back and forth for comparing anyone to the incomparable Alexis Carrington.
Since St. Angie Jolie did herself up like Alexis Carrington, I was hoping that Jennifer Aniston would serve up some Krystle Carrington and halfway through the show a fountain would be rolled out into the middle of the stage and the two would cat fight in it. Jennifer Aniston didn’t go Krystle Carrington, but she did wear an actual color and wore necklaces that made it look like she bedazzled her tits. Never mind that Jennifer Aniston is so damn orange that she has the complexion of a baked Dorito, I’m into this look. It’s very Prince if Prince was a Mary Kay saleswoman.
Pics: Splash, Getty
If Billy Bob Thornton’s creepy “Yes, I stole a pair of dirty panties from your laundry basket and I sniff them while staring at the wall collage I made using the pictures I took of you leaving your house ” eyes make you want to blow a whistle and run into the arms of the nearest adult, you’re not alone. I’m holding onto my dog with one hand right now. He’s 61 in dog years. He counts as an adult.
After winning the Best Actor in a mini-series or TV movie Golden Globe for the acting stuff he’s done in Fargo, Billy Bob Thornton played a little game with reanimated Howdy Doody puppet, Billy Bush, and the unsettlingly peppy Kit Hoover of Access Hollywood. Billy and Kit copied Tina Fey and Amy Poehler by asking St. Angie Jolie’s second husband if he’d rather fuck Laura Jeanne Poon (Hollywood name: Reese Witherspoon) or Jennifer Aniston? Now, I’d go with Laura Jeanne Poon, because you know she’s a hardcore dom. She probably gets crazy, curses at you, spits at your face and says shit like, “Suck on this American citizen clit, bitch!” Jennifer Aniston probably stops halfway through to turn her Care Bear the other way because she doesn’t want it to see her getting down. Billy Bob went with ANISTON and said it’s one of his “lifelong goals.”
Billy and Kit then asked Billy Bob if he’d rather get with Keira Knightley or Jennifer Aniston. Billy Bob spit this out:
“Jennifer Aniston. How many times does it take to get this through your head?”
Billy Bob was definitely doing some grade A trolling, because Billy and Kit said that he kept saying Jennifer Aniston’s name after every single question they asked no matter what the question was. Billy and Kit also claim that they completely forgot that Billy Bob was once bonded in blood with St. Angie Jolie. Please. I know that NBC replaced Billy and Kit’s brains with a machine that only produces happy, peppy thoughts, but they knew what they were doing. Meanwhile, Jennifer Aniston is using her Smart Water money to have a time machine built so she can go back to the year 2000 and bone Billy Bob before screaming at Angie, “I fucked your husband first, tramp!”
Here’s Billy Bob working those plugs while doing the Golden Globes party circuit with his partner Connie Angland.
As expected, Pope Fracis met one of his bosses and God’s second-in-command at his palace in Vatican City. It was reported yesterday that Brad Pitt was supposed to tag along, but he wasn’t there for the most important religious moment in history, because Shiloh and Zahara went with St. Angie Jolie and the Vatican can only hold in so much holiness.
Dame St. Angie Jolie was at the Vatican to screen Unbroken and after the screening, she was summoned to the throne room in The Pope’s house to meet Pope Franny. E! News says that the meeting didn’t last that long. They gossiped about that saint-hating trick Scott Rudin and Pope Francis told St. Angie that he always sees her in pictures with a greasy hobo and she truly is a saint for helping the homeless. They touched hands for a second and afterward Pope Francis shook like a fangirl and was overheard saying, “Girl, I’m never washing this hand again.” The Pope should’ve paid proper respect to St. Angie by literally kissing her ass, but since she’s humble and gracious, she kissed his ring instead. That ring has since been protected in a vacuum-sealed bag and The Pope will cuddle with it every night. After the Catholic kiki with Pope Francis, St. Angie released this statement:
“To be invited to screen Unbroken at The Vatican is an honor and a tribute to Louie’s legacy as a man of faith and someone who exemplified the power of forgiveness and the strength of the human spirit. These are universal themes at the heart of the human experience everywhere.”
St. Angie, Zahara and Shiloh (who is giving me “hipster going to a job interview”) also took this group picture in front of a portrait of a dove getting ready to attack The Pope’s face.
Well, Pope Francis hasn’t even been Pope for a year, but he had a good run. Now that he’s met St. Angie, he’s going to resign as Pope, turn in his white chichi hat, replace his wardrobe with all-black clothes and convert to Brangeloonieism.
According to UsWeekly, preparations are currently underway at Pope Castle (is that the name of the Pope’s house? I really should have paid more attention to my Catholic cousins) to receive the most important guests this side of Jesus: St. Angelina Jolie and her greasy glass of dirty bong water husband Brad Pitt. An insider says that St. Angie and The Funyun King have planned a trip to Italy for a “VIP meet-and-greet” at the Vatican with Pope Francis. I didn’t know the Vatican had a VIP package? I bet it comes with a Bible wrapped in Rolexes or something.
It might seem weird that Brad and Angie want to meet Pope Francis, considering Brad has admitted before that he flip-flops between agnosticism and atheism, but according to this insider, they both admire Pope Francis and “like the Pope’s message”. No word on whether or not St. Angie’s angel babies are going with them, but I’m going to guess probably not, because, really, what use would they have for the Pope? They’ve already been gifted with a lifetime of blessings (ie. staring into St. Angie’s miraculous cheese knife cheekbones every morning when they wake up, hearing her heavenly voice scream at Brad to “open a damn window and turn down COPS” every night as they drift off to sleep).
I know they’re trying to spin this visit like it’s some kind of celebrity Pope visit, but we all know what it really is; the first staff meeting of 2015 for Heaven’s on-Earth reps. If you hear of Bruce Jenner making a surprise trip to Italy sometime in the next couple of days, you’ll know why (he’s an angel to me). And I’m sure Angie has a lot to talk about this year too: famine, floods, poverty, but most importantly – Scott Rudin taking the Lord’s name in vain by referring to God’s favorite savior St. Angie as a spoiled brat.
And it looks like the angel St. Angie rode to Italy flew at the speed of light, because here she is arriving in Rome today:
I should certainly hope so; it’s only been a damn decade. Although imagine if she was still like “OMG such sad, please don’t ask – wound is still too new“? She’d basically be my friend’s melodramatic aunt who opens every conversation by reminding you that she just got divorced, even though her divorce papers have been tucked inside an old TV Guide with Steve Urkel on the cover since 1997. And yes, she makes the same crazy-eyed face Jennifer Aniston is making above every time she brings it up.
But Jennifer Aniston isn’t my friend’s divorce-obsessed aunt, apparently. During an interview with CBS Sunday Morning, Jenny was asked about all the BS tabloids who still want to talk about the drama surrounding her 2005 divorce from Brad Pitt, specifically if it bothers her that people are still bringing that shit up 10 years later. According to Jenny, Jenny don’t care:
“I don’t find it painful. I think it’s a narrative that follows you because it’s an interesting headline. It’s more of a media-driven topic.”
Meanwhile in a haunted castle high atop a dark mountain, a scheming St. Angie Jolie is plotting how to the spotlight away from Jennifer Aniston at the Golden Globes this Sunday night, just like how she thoughtlessly stole her husband years before – is a sentence that is probably being typed out right now by an intern at a tabloid somewhere.
I wish Jennifer would teach a class in how to be so zen about your exes. I have a couple exes who I’m on good terms with (aka I don’t curse the ground they walk on), but I also have 2 or 3 that did me dirty, and the mere mention of their names still makes my right eye twitch. I don’t know what Jennifer Aniston would suggest, but I hope it’s either booze or snuggling into a soft, pillowy Justin Theroux-sized pants bulge.
St. Angie Jolie Has No Comment About Being Called A “Minimally Talented Spoiled Brat” In Hacked Sony Emails
By the way, that screen shot is the moment when Al Roker sharted during their interview.
When Amy Adams made it clear that she didn’t want to talk about the Sony hacking scandal and eventually said she’d spit out a “no comment” if asked about it, the Today show producers canceled her interview and showed her ass the exit door. But the saintly ass-kissing producers know not to do that to the most powerful deity in the world, St. Angie Jolie, because if they pulled that shit with her, Today would be canceled and the producers would be lucky to get a job on a public access morning show in Lost Springs, Wyoming.
Angie spent a piece of her New Year’s doing an interview with Today’s Al Roker and when he asked her about being bashed by Scott Rudin in those hacked emails, she had zero comment. I guess she figured that she doesn’t need to talk about it since she’s already punished Scott Rudin by banishing him to the middle of the desert Sarah-style. But St. Angie did talk about other HIGHLY IMPORTANT shit like being pox’d and her cooking skills:
On her cooking skills: I would love to think of myself as the classic mom at home. I’m one of those people that I’ll learn some random, exotic meal from… I can do a really interesting Afghan dish with eggplant, but I don’t know how to make basic spaghetti. I’m just that person.
On directing Brad Pitt in their own Eyes Wide Shut called By The Sea: It was great. You get nervous because you love somebody and you want to help them. As a director, you want to help your actor. As a wife, you really want to help your husband. You want everything to be right for them. But if you work with the person you love and trust most in this world, it’s pretty great.
On getting chickenpox: It was so absurd. What was even stranger, during the day before, I was doing interviews and I was like, “What is happening?!” It was really fun that my kids took the mantle. They took it very seriously when I said, “You’ve got to represent mom.”
On not getting any Golden Globe nominations for Unbroken: We’ve had some lovely responses and lovely accolades, but nothing beats the audience responding to it. When you make this kind of film, all the other stuff is wonderful, but it really means nothing if the audience doesn’t connect to it. Because this film is made for them. That would’ve been heartbreaking for us if we didn’t connect to the audience, so we’re over the moon.
Leave it to St. Angie Jolie to commit the first “Over the Moon” violation of 2015. She just had to drag that shit into the new year. She should be punished for that one. But then again she was already punished by getting Al Roker as her interviewer. Not Hoda, not Tamron, not Willie, not Natalie and not even Savannah. Angie got the weather guy. I guess it could’ve been worse, though. She could’ve gotten the douchebag full of lukewarm smugness that is Matt Lauer.
Jennifer Aniston reportedly hired Oscar campaign strategist Lisa Taback to change her official title from “sad and lonely™ Jennifer Aniston” to “Oscar-nominated sad and lonely™ Jennifer Aniston.” Well, Jennifer might want to get some of her deposit back, because Lisa Taback should’ve told her that if she wants to win the popularly contest known as the Oscars, she better sign as many autographs as possible.
One source tells Page Six that St. Angie Jolie is becoming the generous, selfless sweetheart of awards season while Jennifer Aniston is becoming the grouchy bitch of awards season. The source says that at a screening for Unbroken at the DGA Theater in NYC on December 5th, St. Angie Jolie spent 10 full minutes of her life signing autographs and posing with the Brangeloonies. Once the screening was over, she came out in the rain and continued to sign autographs for 10 more minutes. I’m surprised that she didn’t use her saintly powers to stop the rain and spin the Earth until the sun came out so she could sign autographs in the sunshine as the birds made flower crowns for Oscar voters and her fans. She’s probably saving that move for the week before the Oscar voting deadline.
Around the same time that Twitter turned into an ocean of #THETERRORISTHAVEWON hashtags after Sony killed and cremated The Interview, Defamer posted leaked emails between St. Angie Jolie, Amy Pascal and Hollywood’s greatest super villain Scott Rudin about the inevitable turd that is the Cleopatra movie. Up in Heaven, Elizabeth Taylor is looking down at those simpletons while thinking to herself, “Nobody ruined Cleopatra the way that I ruined Cleopatra, but nice try, bitches.”
The e-mails that Defamer threw up yesterday are follow-ups to the legendary, cuntastic, hacked e-mails where Scott Rudin called Angie a “minimally talented spoiled brat” and told Amy Pascal that Cleopatra was going to be an epic flop that would make them the laughing stock of Hollywood. Little did Scott know that the e-mail he was writing would become laugh fuel. In the new e-mails from February 2014 and beyond, the three of them fuss over the choice of director, the script, the look, the wigs and at one point they discuss filming Shakespeare’s Antony and Cleopatra instead. I wish they would’ve gone with that last idea, because Angie doing Shakespeare would be a Razzie-worthy extravaganza that would bring tears of happiness to my eyes.
I didn’t have access to a computer till I was 13-years-old, and the first thing I did when I got one was spend all day playing You Don’t Know Jack and lighting characters on fire in The Sims, so I have no idea what it’s like to be a curious kid on the internet. But it sounds like St. Angie’s is afraid her Lil’ Angels might be the curious types, because she tells People that the child army has a cyber security team who monitor their activity online. Even though Angelina is perfect in every way, she says she’s “old school” when it comes to technology, so she and Brad Pitt hired people to make sure nobody is searching “Drawing of boobs life-like” or “Make bomb using crayon wax how?“.
“It’s a scary new world,” the star says. “It’s so beyond what we understand. We wouldn’t even know what to look for.”
She also says she’s glad the kind of technology the child army has access to today wasn’t around when she was younger, saying “I got in enough trouble. It just would have been very documented.” Oh, like this?
St. Angie and Brad’s kids are still fairly young, so it makes sense to keep an eye on what they’re looking at online. The internet can be a scary place! Can you even imagine how traumatic it would be if one of them started snooping around unsupervised on the internet and found out that St. Angie is a minimally-talented spoiled brat instead of a delicate wisp of pure light sent from Heaven?