Category: Angelina Jolie

The “Angie Jolie Look-Alike” Who Forced A Cabbie To Have Sex With Her At Knifepoint Got Four Years In Jail

April 11, 2014 / Posted by:

And that’s called taking your Angelina Jolie impersonation to ILLEGAL levels of wrong.

The messy story of the Angelina Jolie look-alike (more like a melting Pete Burns wax figure look-alike) went viral two years ago, but the case recently went to trial where new fucked-up details came out. In 2012, 31-year-old Luminita Perijoc of Tulcea in Romania was arrested after a cab driver accused her of pulling a knife on him and forcing him to have sex with her twice before she stabbed him for not giving it to her a third time. The 35-year-old cab driver Nicolae Stan says that he was called to her apartment to deliver wine (Side question: Cab drivers bring you wine in Romania?!) and when he got to her apartment the crazy bitch grabbed him, pulled him inside and forced him to take his clothes off. After she forced him to have sex with her while holding a knife to his froat, she forced him to perform oral sex on her. When she wanted sex a third time, he turned her down and so she stabbed him six times. Nicolae somehow managed to run into a bathroom where he locked himself in and called the police.

When Luminita, who calls herself an Angelina Jolie look-alike, was arrested, she told the cops she was the victim. The NYDN says that the court found her guilty and she was originally sentenced to 5 years in prison, but when she claimed she was on “strong medication” at the time she attacked Nicolae, they reduced her sentence to 4 years. Nicolae told the court that he would’ve tried to overpower her, but he was afraid people would think he raped her. He tried to get out of there without hurting her. The married father of two told reporters that his life is ruined, because dumb shits are laughing at him for turning down an “Angelina Jolie look-alike“:

“They don’t understand why I refused her, but they do not know what it is like to have a mad woman yelling at you at knifepoint. They look at her, then look at me and laugh. But I think anyone would find it impossible to perform with a knife at their throat even if they were with Miss Romania.”

So she rapes him more than once, stabs him six times and he gets shit while she only gets 4 years in the clink? Is there a Romanian Nancy Grace, because if there is I need to hear her thoughts about this.

Meanwhile, a Jennifer Aniston look-alike was cited for trespassing in Latvia after she broke into a toy store to cuddle with the baby dolls.

That’s A Fancy Looking Undone Straitjacket That St. Angie Jolie’s Wearing…

March 26, 2014 / Posted by:

Sin City temporarily became the Holy City yesterday afternoon when the deity that God prays to every night graced CinemaCon in Las Vegas with her ethereal presence to preview her new movie Unbroken, or as Goopy Paltrow would title it if she directed it, Consciously Coupling. Universal is releasing Unbroken in December during Oscar-bait season, and St. Angie Jolie told the audience why she wanted to make a movie about the life of World War II hero Louis Zamperini.

“I wanted to make this film because in the end, its message is one we all need now more than ever. It’s the journey of a man finding his way through the darkness and into the light. It is about an imperfect person — one who we and our children can relate to.”

Hmmm… Why does that sound like the synopsis of Consciously Uncoupling: The Chris Martin Story? A man finds his way through the darkness (aka the insane hunger, vision loss and stomach pains one goes through on day 25 of the kumquat water and seaweed extract cleanse) and into the light (aka In-N-Out whatever the hell wants it). Anyway, St. Angie was also at CinemaCon to let any possible Oscar voters in the audience know that Unbroken isn’t only a movie about a man’s journey into the light side, it’s also a faith test for Oscar votes. Do they want to earn a place in the light side (aka AngieLand aka Heaven) by voting for Unbroken for Best Picture and Best Director? Or do they want their UNGODLY souls condemned to the fiery depths of HALE by voting against Unbroken? A vote against Unbroken is a vote against God. When Oscar voters get their ballots, there will be two choices under Best Picture: “Unbroken” and “I Am Okay With Charring In Lucifer’s Den For Eternity.

But you know, a lot of people in the audience at CinemaCon probably didn’t hear a damn thing St. Angie said, because they were too busy thinking to themselves, “How and why in the fuck is she wearing the pajamas that I bought my nana at May Company in 1983?

Here’s more St. Angie looking like Annie Hall’s memaw at CinemaCon and also pictures of her at LAX with Zahara and Maddox.

Pics: AP, Wenn.com

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Vivienne Jolie-Pitt Had To Be In Maleficent Because She Was The Only Kid Who Wasn’t Scared Of St. Angie’s Ass

March 5, 2014 / Posted by:

At the Oscars next year, Jared Leto will stroll out onto the stage, flip his luscious mane and he won’t have to open the envelope to announce the winner of Best Supporting Actress, because he’ll know and we’ll all know it will be Vivienne Jolie-Pitt. She’ll crawl onto the stage, burp, scratch her head and drag her trophy away while everyone gives her a standing ovation and loses their minds. And Vivi didn’t even have to try to get that role. All she had to do was be born out of the right chocha and not scream for her Godfather (who is actually God) when seeing her mom in full costume.

In Entertainment Weekly’s cover story about Maleficent, St. Angie Jolie says that one of the chosen ones had to play Young Aurora, because all of the little girls they auditioned ran away after seeing her looking like the evil ghost of a malnourished ram. Even Pax wanted to hold a crucifix up to her when he saw her:

“When Pax saw me for the first time, he ran away and got upset — and I thought he was kidding, so I was pretending to chase him until I actually found him crying. I had to take off pieces [of the makeup] in front of him to show him it was all fake and not freak out so much.

We think it’s fun for our kids to have cameos and join us on set, but not to be actors. That’s not our goal for Brad and I at all. But the other 3- and 4-year-old [performers] wouldn’t come near me. It had to be a child that liked me and wasn’t afraid of my horns and my eyes and my claws. So it had to be Viv.”

In the wise words of The Mighty O, let’s cut the bullshit, St. Angie. There are many 3-year-olds who will run toward St. Angie, because they’d want her ass to adopt them so they can shop at every toy store in the damn world, eat McDonald’s all the time and inhale the weed-induced breath that comes out of Brad Pitt’s mouth. St. Angie made the producers cast Vivi, because she wanted the extra check (not really). Dragging 10,000 kids around the world ain’t cheap.

And of course Brad and St. Angie don’t want their kids to go into acting. That ruins their plan of raising a child army who will one day take over the world and make all of us their slaves. We should just surrender now and get it over with.

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The Multiple Selfie That Broke Twitter

March 2, 2014 / Posted by:

If you woke up after a long coma and saw all those Veneers and soul-sucking eyes looking at you, you’d probably fall back into a coma and be happy about it. During the 52-hour-long circle jerk extravaganza that is the Oscars, Ellen DeGeneres took a group selfie with Jennifer Lawrence, Meryl Streep, Channing Tater (I think), Julia Roberts, Kevin Spacey, Brad Pitt, Bradley Cooper, Lupita Nyong’o, St. Angie Jolie, Lupita’s brother and some other hos. Ellen asked everyone to re-tweet it and apparently it broke Twitter for a second. And seeing Kevin Spacey make the O face he’d make if he was hitting it from the back broke my soul for a minute.

The Look Or Not The Look: Brad Pitt’s Greasy, Messy, Hipster Mop

March 2, 2014 / Posted by:

Well, I guess Maddox is the head hair stylist of the holy family now and I also guess that Brad Pitt let his son style his mop yesterday and told him, “Give me strung out punk anarchist chic!”

At the Independent Spirit Awards yesterday, Brad Pitt (who’s a producer on 12 Years a Slave, which won Best Picture) showed up looking like he spent the last 12 hours barfing up his internal organs and his will to live in a toilet in a non-air conditioned and not-at-all-well-ventilated crack house bathroom after smoking the wrong kind of crack. Those are the crack sweats! It’s very Trainspotting: The Golden Years. Brad Pitt looks like Robert DeNiro’s Taxi Driver character fell on really, really hard times and got a job as a roadie for Guttermouth.

With all that being said, this IS the look. But only because those wrinkles, that blotchy redness, the greasiness and those white hairs remind me of Anderson Cooper’s nustack and I’m so into that.

Here’s more of Brad’s fucked up hair and St. Angie Jolie wearing Endora’s favorite funeral dress yesterday. St. Angie should do Brad a favor and use her razor ass jaw bone to shave that memaw muff off of his chin.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

FYI: The Holy Family Are Back In L.A.

February 18, 2014 / Posted by:

Doesn’t it seem like it was only yesterday when the year was 2008 and we were all 6 years younger and my bloated gut was 3 inches smaller and Maddox was just a 7-year-old boy who was really into knives and faux hawks? And now here’s 12-year-old Maddox walking through LAX with Brad Pitt and St. Angie Jolie while wearing a Slipknot hoody and a look that says, “Don’t EVEN fucking…” That’s just regular old 12-year-old face. I know that face. I’ve made that face and I’ve seen that face at family gatherings. I have this 12 or 13 or 14-year-old cousin who never talks to anyone and if you’re not an app in her iPhone, she doesn’t want to have anything to do with you. I’ll see her at family things and when I say hi to her, she’ll just roll both of her eyes at me. Since I’m a 12-year-old bitchy mean girl trapped in the body of a skinny fat gay, I can play that game and I roll my eyes back at her. Then she rolls her eyes back at me and then I roll my eyes back at her and we keep doing that until my tia calls for an am-boo-lance, because she thinks we’re both having a stroke. We look like we’re rolling on ecstasy at a no-dance rave.

So, anyway, here’s Maddox, St. Angie and Brad Pitt (wearing the only daytime casual outfit he owns) walking through LAX yesterday. I don’t know where the rest of the child army is, but I’m guessing they’re hiding in St. Angie’s huge ass bag.

Pics: Splash

St. Angie Jolie Serves Up Some Off-Duty Chauffeur Shit At The BAFTAs

February 16, 2014 / Posted by:

At the BAFTA Awards (or “The First And Only Annual American Hustle Appreciation Awards” as we should call it since that mess is winning everything) in London tonight, the crowd parted as the holiest couple since Mary and Joseph sashayed through in matching tuxedos.  Just like a power bottom’s b-hole after a busy weekend, I’m sort of torn about St. Angie Jolie’s look.

On one hand, I’m into it, because it gave me lukewarm shades of the greatest cinematic event of 1986 My Chauffeur and Shiloh probably styled her and at least she gave her fame whoring leg the night off. But on the other hand, she kind of looks like a malnourished and parched lemur lounge singer and the part of me that didn’t get My Chauffeur vibes got zombie Lady CaCa in Born This Way vibes and I never want to think about zombie Lady CaCa in Born This Way.

But on a more positive note, I am starting to sort of kind of like the bow-tie shaped grandma pube patch on Brad’s chin.

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash

St. Angie And Brad Pitt Greet Their Loyal Subjects While Going To Dinner In Australia

February 4, 2014 / Posted by:

SAINTS: They’re not just like us!

When you and your piece go to Red Lobster for a romantic surf, turf and Cheddar Bay Biscuits dinner, dozens of your adoring fans are not waiting for you outside to take your picture, shake your hand and breathe in the blessed air you breathe out.

When St. Angie Jolie and Brad Pitt go to Shipwreck Bar and Grill in Airlie Beach, Queensland, their devoted disciples wait for them to arrive and cheer for them like it’s a goddamn red carpet premiere or some shit.

St. Angie is still directing that Unbroken movie in Australia and on Tuesday night she and Brad Pitt left the child army at home to eat seafood at a restaurant. (Well, he ate seafood and she sniffed the fish bones and licked on a bowl of popped fish eyeballs.) Worshipers of the Australian branch of the Church of Brangelina must’ve followed the beam of light from St. Angie’s halo to the Shipwreck Bar and Grill, because they were there when St. Angie and Brad arrived. St. Angie and Brad shook hands and waved at their fans. The last time I saw a Sméagol stretch his arm out like that, he was reaching for the One Ring and it wasn’t a pretty scene. But this time, a saintly Sméagol reached out her arm to bless a young child. When St. Angie (aka the real Supreme) touched that girl’s hand, she sucked out that girl’s youth and innocence and stored it in her signature forehead vein. That girl doesn’t care, because she was touched by true holy greatness.

Pics: Splash

And Here’s The Newest Trailer For “St. Angie’s Silly Putty Cheekbones: The Movie”

January 27, 2014 / Posted by:

The last trailer for Disney’s Maleficent was a pile of shit and it made it look like that mess of a movie was pasted together using leftover scenes from Slow White and the Huntsman and that CGI bukkake called Alice in Wonderalnd. The newest trailer, which was shat up during the Grammys last night, still looks Slow White’s CGI backwash, but it doesn’t look as much of a piece of trash as it did before. It’s obvious that St. Angie Jolie’s serious cheekbones steal the movie and they should get top billing. Those cheekbones could cut a whore up. Either they vacuum sealed St. Angie’s face some more so her natural cheekbones really popped or they made a rubber replica of Phoebe Price’s chicken cutlet cheeks and pasted them on St. Angie’s face. If Maleficent wanted to toss your salad, you’d have to wear armored panties with a hole cut out over your no-no or she’d slice your nalgas right up with those shankified cheekbones of her. In this version, Aurora probably pricks her finger on Maleficent’s cheekbones instead of on a spinning wheel’s spindle.

The new trailer also has Lana Del Rey’s cover of “Once Upon a Dream.” It’s typical Lana. She sounds like she’s singing it while lying in a hot bath after downing a bottle of red wine and a couple Lunestas. Maleficent probably skips the whole spindle thing and puts that Aurora trick to sleep by playing her this song.

I Guess They Took Money From The CGI Budget To Pay St. Angie’s Salary

January 18, 2014 / Posted by:

If your ears can take the sound of Elle Fanning’s butchered-slaughtered-disemboweled-and-drowned-in-water British accent, then watch the newest trailer for the St. Angie Jolie biopic called Maleficent. Part of my already charred soul shriveled up a little while watching this, because it looks like a shitty, mid-budget trailer for a failed ABC pilot called Once Upon A Time In St. Angie’s Cheekbones. The other part of my already charred soul shriveled all the way up while watching this, because I don’t want to see the softer side of Maleficent. Fuck that all the way. I like my Maleficent straight up cunty with zero drops of niceness. I should’ve known this trailer wasn’t going to sit on my soul right when St. Angie popped up wearing Lady CaCa’s leftover face horns from the Born This Way “era.” 

And here’s Brad Pitt working Maddox’s old haircut and wearing a vintage Oak Tree black linen suit while strolling through LAX.


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