While looking like she’s wearing an ensemble from the Darth Vadar Collection for Chico’s (I’m surprised Disney’s marketing team didn’t do that, honestly), St. Angie Jolie went through LAX last night with three members of the child army, Pax, Shiloh and Zahara. The Daily Mail says that St. Angie was in Cambodia filming her new movie and before she got to L.A. last night, she made a short stop in London to get a quickie serving of dick cheese and armpit syrup (she hooked up with Brad Pitt who’s there filming something).
After I looked at these pictures, a membership to AARP popped up in my inbox, I had to call Apple support to ask them how to respond to that email from AARP, I could feel hairs growing out of my ears and I suddenly got the urge to stand outside my door and watch my neighbors to see if they’ll do anything I can snitch on them for. Seeing Pax as an almost teenager pushed me into the “strawberry hard candies in my pockets” phase of life. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go to Target to yell at people in the aisles. I do that anyway, but since I’m an old now, I’m hoping they’ll let me yell a few minutes longer before they call security.
The air in Cambodia is filled a whole lot more holiness…and weed smoke, because St. Angie Jolie, Brad Pitt and their child army are there while she directs First They Killed My Father, another light feel-good movie from her. (It’s about the Cambodian genocide.) While talking to the Associated Press about the movie, St. Angie said that Cambodia completely changed her life. The first time she went to Cambodia was 16 years ago to do the first Tomb Raider movie. Before then, she didn’t think she’d ever be the mother of a zillion children and probably thought she’d continue to make blood jewelry with Billy Bob Thornton for a while. But that trip made her want to be a UN ambassador, and she says that while playing with a bunch of Cambodian children, she realized she wanted to adopt a child from there. AND THE REST IS HOLY HISTORY!
“When I first came to Cambodia, it changed me. It changed my perspective. I realized there was so much about history that I had not been taught in school, and so much about life that I needed to understand, and I was very humbled by it. That trip triggered my realization of how little I knew and the beginning of my search for that knowledge.
It’s strange, I never wanted to have a baby. I never wanted to be pregnant. I never babysat. I never thought of myself as a mother. It was suddenly very clear to me that my son was in the country, somewhere.”
Every toy store owner, McDonald’s executive and makers of black clothes for children really need to give a zillion thanks to Cambodia, because if it wasn’t for Cambodia, the child army wouldn’t exist and they’d all have giant CLOSED signs on their businesses. The truth!
“Okay, so I’ve had my assistants, St. Francis of Assisi and Jesus, mark the spot where my friend God will be parting the clouds and sending down a soft beam of heavenly light to illuminate my halo. So if you can let all the photographers know that they should shoot me from over there, that would be great.”
In case you’re wondering why there was recently a dramatic increase in reported miracles and little old ladies claiming to have seen the image of a pair of severe cheekbones in their toast, it was because Angelina Jolie and her flock of SITs (saints-in-training) walked among us regulars yesterday. St. Angie brought 5 of her wingless angels (Maddox stayed home with Daddy Brad) to the Los Angeles premiere for Kung Fu Panda 3. They didn’t stroll down the red carpet with Angie – us mere humans can only handle so much blessing. But they did leave the theater together, which I’m sure is Heaven’s equivalent to seeing pictures of the Royal Family on the Buckingham Palace balcony.
The appearance of St. Angie at the Kung Fu Panda 3 premiere isn’t that surprising (bitch has a movie to pimp); I am, however, surprised her kids found the time. According to the Daily Mail, Shilo and Zahara have been busy sponsoring a Cambodian family. Apparently they were approached by a 16-year-old girl while they were getting ice cream in Siem Reap with Daddy Brad, and were so moved by her story that they took her and her 12 brothers and sisters shopping for new clothes and bikes. That’s technically enough to earn them 8 gold stars and honorary sainthood. But I guess they had an open spot on their philanthropy schedules and wanted to put in a little extra charity work, so they swung by the premier with their mom.
Here’s more of Our Lady of Perpetual Cheekbones and five kids whose faces are probably already on prayer cards, as well as a bunch of non-holy types and their kids, like Jack Black and Kate Hudson.
And I’m sure that after they see my impeccable Photoshop work, Universal will beg me to do the special effects.
The critics pretty much declared St. Angie Jolie’s HIGH ART 70s perfume commercial By The Sea an Ambien-laced turd and it also bombed at the box office. The Brangeloonies should be ashamed of themselves for not selling their house, their cars, their internal organs and their kids to buy every ticket available! If you’re a Brangeloonie and you’re not homeless and eating dirt pies because you sold everything to support your God’s movie, then you can’t call yourself a Brangeloonie. Shameful! But anyway…
By The Zzz has been out in limited-release for two weeks and so far it’s only made around $321,000 domestically. The Hollywood Reporter says that Universal put up all the money. The budget was $25 million (Universal claims the budget was $10 million) and another $15 million was spent on marketing. Universal is probably going to eat most of that money, but they don’t care. A source tells THR that Universal is hoping that since they gave St. Angie some play money for her little movie, she will return the favor by starring in one of their big-budget movies. Universal probably figures that since Maleficent made a zillion dollars, they’ll also make a mountain of money from St. Angie playing another monster: The Bride of Frankenstein.
Back in March, Angelina Jolie had her ovaries and fallopian tubes removed to make sure she didn’t get ovarian cancer. In doing so, she started going through menopause. Now, from what I know about menopause (ie. what I learned from that episode of The Golden Girls where Blanche thinks she’s pregnant), it’s that menopause is a Hell of hot flashes and night sweats and just generally feeling like crap. But don’t expect to see Angelina airing out her pits in front of an open freezer door any time soon, because she recently admitted to The Daily Telegraph that saints don’t experience menopause in the same way that mere mortals do.
“I actually love being in menopause. I haven’t had a terrible reaction to it, so I’m very fortunate. I feel older, and I feel settled being older. I feel happy that I’ve grown up. I don’t want to be young again.”
To which Young Angelina Jolie replied: “Aw, come on – the blood necklace Billy Bob dragon tattoo kissing your brother at the Oscars years weren’t THAT bad.”
Of course St. Angie isn’t experiencing the crappy parts of menopause; that was probably part of the contract she signed when she agreed be Heaven’s official ambassador to Earth. I don’t blame her! If I was negotiating with God, I too would make sure there was a section stating that when I go through menopause (aka the Angel Change), I wouldn’t get any hot flashes. I’m sure there’s also a part in there about not getting hungover after a night of hard drinking, and a request to alter her sense of smell so that Brad Pitt’s stale weed stink is recognized in her brain as fresh-cut flowers.
What’s the point of getting old if you’re not going to fully embrace your “get off my lawn” phase of life and retire from giving a fuck? Robert De Niro obviously gets it, because he’s been on a cranky roll lately and is reading bitches left and right.
Robert De Niro recently quit an interview, because he didn’t like the interviewer’s “negative questions” and told her, “I’m not doing this, darling.” And at the WSJ. Innovator Awards in NYC on Wednesday night, he verbally took a chancleta to a tech dude who made a joke. Page Six says that Stewart Butterfield (yes, that’s the name of a real person and not the name of a rejected Bond villain from the 70s), who co-founded Flickr and the app Slack, won an award and during his speech, he joked that he was a “long way from San Francisco” after pointing out all the famous people in the room. Stewart Butterfield then pointed out De Niro in the audience and said:
“I watched ‘Godfather II’ on the plane . . . when you killed Don Fanucci, I liked that.”
Well, Robert De Niro didn’t like that. De Niro got up to the mic to present St. Angie Jolie with an award, and before he did that, he spanked a bitch:
“Whoever the last speaker was . . . I thought you were a bit condescending to us actors . . . celebrities. I’m gonna go on record with you just to say that. And I don’t give a fuck who you are.”
Stewart Butterfield missed a good opportunity to really twist up De Niro’s chonies by saying “You talkin’ to me?” from the audience. But Stewart Butterfield did tweet that he loved getting trash talked by De Niro.
Yeah, Robert De Niro needs to get all the way over himself since actors aren’t untouchable jewels who shouldn’t be joked about, but at the same time I love a delusional old crotchety coot. I just want to follow him around for 5 minutes, because in that 5 minutes I’m sure he’d verbally abuse a pigeon for looking at him wrong and he’d try to fist fight his shadow for standing too close to him.
With that being said, his “give us precious actors the respect we deserve” slap down would’ve been 100% perfect if he added a “darling” to the end of it.
At WSJ. Magazine’s Innovator Awards the other night, St. Angie Jolie and Brad Pitt posed like two constipated stone pillars on Ambien. Well, they may have switched up their weed strain when they got to California, because at the AFI Festival screening of By The Zzzzz in Hollywood last night, they looked alive and Brad Pitt’s seven layers of bronzer nearly melted off of his mug as he stared at St. Angie Jolie’s holy beaded chichis. While Brad gave us “cruise ship restaurant maitre d’,” St. Angie Jolie wore a dress made from the curtains that used to hang in Liberace’s formal dining room. Brad must’ve been smoking up some serious shit in the car, because he’s doing the same, “Me? Stoned? Naw,” squint that I do after my fourth or fifth bowl.
The reviews for By The Sea are dribbling in and so far on Rotten Tomatoes there’s 5 shitty reviews and 1 good review, giving it only 17%. I skimmed some of the reviews and the ones I read said that it’s really beige (in more ways than one) and that it’s too damn boring to be campy. Here’s a quotes from RT:
If “By the Sea” weren’t so aggressively humorless, it might almost qualify as camp, so unsuccessful is its pursuit of weighty drama. Unintentional laughs are hard to come by here; instead, there are yawns aplenty. – The Wrap
An unabashed vanity project that struggles to turn its own beautiful inertia into a virtue. – Variety
Met with a tepid response at the opening night of this year’s AFI Film Festival, this languid piece of would-be art cinema will prove once again that even the biggest names in the world won’t draw an audience to something that, in and of itself, has no reason for being. – The Hollywood Reporter
I think all of that is fancy movie critic speak for: IT SUCKS.
We all better stock our end-of-the-world barracks with the good shit, booze, pork rinds and flip book porn, because I don’t need Opal Covey to tell me that God will wreak havoc on civilization if critics keep calling By The Sea a comatose turkey. God is obviously biased, because he should’ve destroyed this bitch when Hollywood ruined Jem.
The international Brangeloonie holiday known as Brangemas continues and at WSJ Magazine’s Innovator Awards in NYC last night, Dame St. Angie Jolie did a spot-on impersonation of an oily breadstick wrapped in a black napkin and Brad Pitt did a very good impersonation of a constipated and badly made John F. Kennedy wax figure.
Black had a slight panic attack the other night when St. Morticia Jolie showed up to an event with an actual color on her body, but it can stop deep breathing into a black paper bag, because last night she and Brad Pitt once again served up funeral home gloominess. In a few of the pictures of Brad, he looks a little pained in the face, so either he’s got the farts in a bad way or the Botox is having a hard time settling or St. Angie made the child army bathe him and the unfamiliar scent of soap is weirding him out.
When Duchess Kate wore a homely dress made out of dusty old curtains to the Spectre premiere in London, I joked that not even Dame St. Angie Jolie, the reigning empress of grandma dresses, would wear that matronly mess. Well, I sit corrected, because here’s St. Angie Jolie last night wearing a dowdy ass dress that could be directly related to Duchess Kate’s dowdy ass dress.
Last night, St. Angie and Brad Pitt blessed a City Cinemas theater in NYC by doing a Q&A after a screening of By The Sea. St. Angie looks like a 1970s cult leader’s wife going to the daytime wedding of someone she doesn’t really like and Brad Pitt looks like a standby in an all-grown-ups community theater production of Newsies who is always told to lighten up on the pancake makeup. I would do a “Who Wore It Better?” between St. Angie and Duchess Kate, but doing so would go against God and THE QUEEN, so I’ll just say that Tootsie wore it better since I’m sure she wore both dresses at one point.
And in other St. Angie stuff, she did an interview with The New York Times and the subject of Scott Rudin calling her a “minimally-talented spoiled brat” in those hacked Sony emails came up. St. Angie has refused to talk about that mess before, but she talked about it a little with the Times. She claims she didn’t read the e-mails (uh huh), but someone told her about them and it didn’t bother her that Scott Rudin trashed her. Sure, she called up heaven and told them to scratch his name off of the entrance list (and heaven let her know that they scratched his name off a long time ago for remaking The Stepford Wives), but she mostly cared about how Amy Pascal felt:
“Someone told me. There are certain things that bother me and certain things that don’t. Personal attacks on me? I think I’m just so used to it. Honestly, my first instinct was that I was worried about Amy. I had someone call her and ask if she was O.K. Not because I’m a saint, but because I think we have to look at the bigger picture. She’s got kids. I knew it was going to unravel for her.”
“Not because I’m a saint” is such a saint thing to say!
Every devoted Brangeloonie took a religious holiday today, because their gods Brad Pitt and St. Angie Jolie were on the Today show this morning to promote Mr. & Mrs. Smith Get The Arty Sads. While dressed up like they were going to a job interview, they talked with Tom Brokaw about the movie and her health. (Well, St. Angie mostly talked while Brad Pitt wondered if he could make a bong out of one of those red balls on the table.)