According to Page Six, if Angelina Jolie had her druthers, the child army would be grabbing their Europe summer bags (they probably have pre-packed luggage for every season and continent at the ready) and headed to London to be with her while she films Maleficent 2. But no matter how many withering sighs (band name alert!) she utters, Angie can’t get around the rules of her ongoing custody battle with William Bradley Pitt. Us Weekly reports that Brad purposefully chose projects filming in Los Angeles and rearranged his summer schedule just so he can spend time with the kids.
According to People Queen Elizabeth loves trees. Angelina Jolie also loves trees. No reason why the two shouldn’t hook up and enjoy some trees together. I bet Lizzy’s got some sweet emerald encrusted bongs in her Crown Jewels drawer. Angie will be appearing in an ITV documentary called The Queen’s Green Planet and as I’m typing this I’m realizing my mistake. I think People is referring to actual trees not, you know, “trees”. So much for that fantasy. That was always more Brad’s bag anyway.
Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt’s divorce has been dragging along for close to 19 months. The Sun now claims it might soon be all over. Sources say that Angelina and Brad are currently putting the final touches on their divorce. One source says that the terms of the divorce have been agreed upon, and that things are ending amicably. Since everything before that was messy, I’m going to assume that in this case amicably is actually an acronym that stands for: Avoiding a Mess by Isolating and Corralling Angelina & Brad in separate rooms to prevent proLonged bouts of Yelling.
When Brangelina announced the split, the world…kind of continued as it did before. You couldn’t stand in a grocery line without seeing Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt angrily scowling on the cover of Star, waging war over stoner parenting (guess who), being a global uppity stick in the mud (guess who!), or Dutch Oven-ing too much in bed (OK, I made that one up). But now, depending on who you ask, it seems like Angelina is moving on. Continue reading
While Brad Pitt is allegedly celibate, Angelina Jolie is rumored to be dating again. So forget what you’ve heard about Angelina spending her Friday nights alone with a crossword puzzle and a glass of wine. According to Radar, Angelina has her eyes locked on Garrett Hedlund.
Any of you gold diggers hoping for a chance to ride your way to millions about the Pitt Peen Express are going to have to be patient. Because the always truthful The Sun says that Brad Pitt is giving up sex for a year to Eat, Pray, Love or some shit and discover who he really is.
According to The Sun, Brad has made a promise to stop playing bedroom leapfrog for a solid year. What to do with all that time normally reserved for fucking the best-looking Meet Joe Black fans? It’s said he’s focusing on meditating, sculpting, and working out…yeah, ‘cuz getting a fuck-able body is the best time to stop boning! A snitch most certainly in Brad’s camp gave up some deets:
“Brad is really sorting himself out. He’s getting trim, eating healthily and has cut out booze. He has been in relationships for pretty much all of his entire adult life. Now that he’s single, he’s doing things he’s previously been unable to do.”
This comes as it is believed Brad and Angelina Jolie are putting the finishing touches on their divorce. While most Hollywood dudes close a divorce by at least screwing three production assistants, Brad isn’t following that course. He refused to so much as pose in a photo with another woman beyond his manager during Oscars week, which probably gave Mike Pence the feels down below and say, “Maybe hedonist Hollywood ain’t all that bad!”