Category: Angelina Jolie

Hugh Jackman’s Wife Will Never Let Him Work With Homewrecking Legend St. Angie Jolie

July 6, 2015 / Posted by:

During an interview on the Australian morning show TODAY to talk about their charity Adopt Change, Hugh Jackmeoff and his wife Deborra-Lee Furness briefly talked about how they’ve managed to stay married for almost 20 years when other famous hos are pressing the stop button on their marriages left and right. Jackmeoff and Deborra-Lee say that they’re never apart for more than 2 weeks and they don’t want to be. Deborra-Lee also joked that she let Hugh Jackmeoff’s agent know that her 100% pussy-loving heterosexual husband is not allowed to do any movies with Dame St. Angie Jolie:

Turning to conversation to their relationship, Lisa probed them on how they cope with having to see each other kiss other people as part of their job.

“I’ve told his agent he’s not allowed to work with Angelina, I’m sure she’s lovely,” Furness joked, before highlighting the work Jolie has done for adoption and world aid.

“That’s the deal with this business. If you get it right, if you pick the right partner, then, you traverse all those travails and challenges

I know that Deborra-Lee said that in her “joking” voice, but I bet she wasn’t joking. The hypnotizing powers of St. Angie Jolie’s hypnotic vagina are no joke and they know no bounds! St. Angie’s hypnotic vagina can lure in any straight man, straight woman, gay man, gay woman, bi woman, bi man, gay genderqueer, bi genderqueer, inanimate object, animal and on and on and on… In fact I heard that the snake St. Angie worked with in Alexander the Great can still be seen slithering across the front gate of her chateau in France. Even it is still whipped on her. St. Angie’s powers are that good.

When Brangelina Met KatWilli….

June 27, 2015 / Posted by:

I was going to title this “American royalty” meets “British royalty,” but that would be a lie wrapped in a heavy layer of NO. Because this post is not about how Shauna Sand and her boy toy had high tea at a Hooters in Nottingham with Jodie Marsh and whoever she’s boning at the moment.

Years from now, history teachers will extensively cover June 26, 2015 and not because it’s the day that the Supreme Court made the dreams come true of every aspiring gay gold digger in every state. They will cover that day, because it’s the day that Dame St. Angie Jolie, Brad Pitt, Duchess Kate and Prince William drank tea together. CNN should really close up and give it up, because instead of covering a highly historical event like this, they spent hours reporting on those prison escapees last night.

Unlike CNN, UsWeekly knows what journalism is, because they exclusively reported about how Brangelina had tea with the royals at Kensington Palace yesterday afternoon. Brangelina are in London for charity stuff and while there, they drank tea (but was it Tension Tamer tea?) with Duchess Kate and Prince William and they also brought a gift for Princess Charlotte. A rep for Kensington Palace said they talked about illegal wildlife shit.

After months of coordinating, the two power couples met for the first time at a private Kensington Palace meeting. “The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge met with Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie Pitt at Kensington Palace on Friday afternoon,” a Kensington Palace spokesman tells Us Weekly exclusively. “They discussed their shared interest in combatting the illegal wildlife trade.”

“Everyone got on splendidly,” says the source of their afternoon tea. “Brad and Angelina spent much longer with the Duke and Duchess than planned. They ended up staying for almost a few hours.”

They drank tea and talked about illegal animals for “almost a few hours” (whatever the hell that means)? I call bullshit on that. They probably spent those “almost a few hours” smoking weed out of a blueberry scone Brad Pitt turned into a bong before swapping partners. But I’m sure we’ll soon find out what really went on during those “almost a few hours” when the History Channel airs a 6-part series about the most historical meeting of our time.

The Bi-Curious Case Of Brad Pitt

May 21, 2015 / Posted by:

Actually, more like, “The Bi-Curious Case Of Benjamin Buttfuckme,” amirite?

Hollywood insider,” socialite and friend of the Porn Iguana Hesham “Sham” Ibrahim (I know, his nickname is “Sham.” Too easy.) EXCLUSIVELY tells Star Magazine that it’s been known in certain circles for a decade that Brad Pitt also gets hungry for peen and regularly leases dick from hustler sites like Rentboy.com. Sham said that he’s not going to define Brad’s sexuality, but he knows that Brad fucks dudes from time to time. But Sham says that Brad is a picky eater, so to speak, and has sent a hooker away for not being up to his standards.

Sham says that ten years ago, Brad picked out the late porn star Cameron Fox on RentBoy and made plans to meet him at a hotel in Monterey, CA. I guess Brad wasn’t into the goods that Cameron served up, because Sham claims that he sent the dude away. Picky ass Pitt!

“When [Cameron] got there, an assistant met him in the lobby and took him to a room. Sure enough, there was Brad Pitt. Brad took one look at him, gave him a thousand dollars and asked him to leave. Cameron wasn’t as attractive as he appeared to be in his pictures. I guess Brad has picky taste.”

Since Cameron Fox is not with us anymore, he’s obviously not available to say if Sham’s story is lies covered in lies or not. Sham has heard that it’s kind of common for Brad to turn away rented ass, but when he finds a piece he’s into, he has a “routine” he busts out.

“They said he seemed to have the whole scenario pretty much worked out.”

As for Dame. St. Angie Jolie, Sham, who personally knows Brangelina as well as the nose pimple I just popped does, doesn’t think she’d mind since she’s into peen and poon herself.

Okay, but where are the only details any of us care about? I mean, is Brad Pitt a sloppy bossy pig bottom, a flip flop fucker, a BDSM power top or what? When Brad Pitt hires two rent boys, does he say to them, “I want you to Pitt roast me!” Does Brad Pitt’s greasy, cheesy ass get a discount since he’s pre-lubed? I cannot take this story seriously until I get these highly important details. Oh, Star Magazine, to think, I thought I knew you as a highly-esteemed literary journal that cared about uncovering important details like that.

Slime Angelina Jolie? I Think Not.

March 29, 2015 / Posted by:

Earthbound seraphim Angelina Jolie made her presence known at the 2015 Nickelodeon Kids Choice Awards last night. Nickelodeon’s yearly award show is known for “sliming” the celebrity presenters. Realizing that showering a demigoddess with slime would bring the world that much closer to the end times, she remained Kermit-spooge free. Cheered on by her daughters (you know them better as “the chosen ones”) Zahara and Shiloh, Angie accepted a blimp for Favorite Villain and Favorite Movie Actress for Malificent.

She had a message for all the chilluns:

“When I was a kid I was told – like Maleficent – that I was different. But then I realized something: different is good. So maybe you don’t fit in. Be yourself. And when someone tells you that you are different, just smile and hold your head up, and be proud. And as your villain, I would say, ‘Cause a little trouble. It is good for you!'”

The highly important decision not to slime Angelina might also have to do with her going through some more serious shit recently in regards to her health.

Be sure to click this link for a pic of Angie and her girls posing with that bass ass Meaghan Trainor person. Zahara’s expression reads “I’ll throw this lesser a bone and give her a pic for her scrapbook.” Shiloh’s reads “I really only listen to Sleator-Kinney, so I have no clue who this trick is.” And Angie is very “I’m always happy to gratify a seat-filler, but let’s get on with this.”

One sexy celeb who DID get a green load to the face was the show’s host, hot ass Nick Jonas! The highly untruthful Jennifer Lopez pressured him. Her lying ass didn’t get slimed either. SHE’S not a deity who recently nixed her ovaries, why does she get a pass?

All you kinky bitches into gunge can pant and pucker at the slimy screengrabs below. Nick really should have taken his shirt off first and flexed a little. While being green-jizzed upon. This is probably the wrong blog for these musings.

Check out vid of Angie’s speech below, as well as pics of her and the Chosen Ones, Nick’s green facial, and Nick and his chick Olivia Culpo on the orange carpet.

Photo credit: Splash & Zimbio

Angelina Jolie Had Her Ovaries And Fallopian Tubes Removed

March 23, 2015 / Posted by:

When St. Angie Jolie wrote an op-ed piece for The New York Times about how she had a double mastectomy after finding out that she has the BRCA1 gene, she said that she also planned to have her ovaries and fallopian tube taken out, because she wants to make sure she doesn’t get ovarian cancer. Well, she had them removed last week and she wrote all about it in another piece for The New York Times. Because she had her ovaries taken out, she’s got into menopause. Brad Pitt better get her some of that weed wax, because she’s going to need some potent shit to deal with menopause and all those little kids at the same time.

Angelina writes that wasn’t planning on getting her ovaries and fallopian tube removed for another few months, but a couple of weeks ago she got a call from her doctor who said that a number of her “inflammatory markers” were “elevated” and that it could be a sign of early cancer. He sent her off to a surgeon to have her ovaries checked out. Brad Pitt flew out from France to be with her. Her tumor test came back negative and her CT scan was clear. She was told there’s still a chance she has the very early stages of cancer, so she decided to take out her ovaries earlier than expected. She is not fucking around. Before her surgeries, she had an 87% chance of getting breast cancer and a 50% chance of getting ovarian cancer.

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Amy Pascal Had Some Words To Say About The Sony Hack

February 12, 2015 / Posted by:

If Amy and I were playing a game of charades, I’d scream, “Me the time I was on acid and thought I could make bubbles with my hands.

Former Sony co-chairman Amy Pascal talked with Tina Brown at the Women in the World conference in San Francisco yesterday and of course the Sony Hack was brought up. Amy said that she was shown the exit door because of the Sony Hack and then got into specific shit that came out in the emails. If you want to see the whole talk, click here for the video. Amy Pascal is giving me “Peg from Lady and the Tramp on Valium and wine” during that interview. After the cut are a few things that Amy said about the Sony Hack.

Brad Pitt And St. Angie Jolie Might Add A New Member To Their Child Army

February 10, 2015 / Posted by:

The Australian tabloid Woman’s Day says that soon Captain Maddox will give a new recruit a tour of the child army barracks in France and train the kid on how to make the most of an all-black wardrobe and how to lure dirty ass Brad Pitt to a bubble bath using a joint tied to a stick. A source (read: a first year intern who minors in Brangeloonism) tells Woman’s Day that Brad Pitt and Dame St. Angie Jolie are in the process of adopting a Syrian refugee she met in Turkey. “Hasn’t that poor child been through enough?” typed Scott Rudin whiled forwarding the Woman’s Day story to Amy Pascal.

The source says that St. Angie first met the 2-year-old kid named Moussa at the Altinozu refugee camp in Turkey and it was love at first sight. St Angie and Brad’s team confirmed that Moussa is an orphan and have been working on the adoption for the last few months. Meanwhile, Moussa is still at the refugee camp taking in “I see you’re going Hollywood” looks from the other orphans. The source spit out this stream of fanfic:

“Angelina heard about him from a translator and she was obviously upset, but Moussa was just beaming from ear to ear and when he saw she was wiping tears from her eyes he toddled up to her and gave her a hug and it was a very emotional moment and everyone was suddenly laughing and smiling. She kissed him on the top of his head and then they were basically inseparable for the rest of the visit.”

What kind of plot line for a sappy Super Bowl commercial? I’m surprised the “source” didn’t also say that the boy was blind but as soon as St. Angie Jolie’s angelic tears landed on his face, he could see again.

In other St. Angie news, there’s a rumor that Marvel wants St. Angie to direct the Captain Marvel movie. In other other St. Angie news, she and William Hague announced that they’re opening a Centre for Women, Peace and Security in London. I see what’s really going on here. St. Angie is going to use the Captain Marvel shoot as a front to train her child army. When you see pictures of St. Angie shooting a scene with tanks, the members of the child army will be driving those tanks. And in the basement of that new Centre will be the new child army training facility. The child army is growing and they’ll soon take over the world.

But seriously, Woman’s Day is about as reliable as Brian Williams, so that story probably isn’t true. I won’t believe it until St. Angie and Brad announce that they’ve adopted a 2-year-old boy from Syria that they’ve named Fax, Rolex, Mueslix or some other name that ends with an x.

Jennifer Aniston Loved Unbroken And Thinks Everybody Needs To Get Over “The Feud”

January 16, 2015 / Posted by:

Jennifer Aniston and St. Angie Jolie were in the same room last night (TMZ has riveting picture proof of it) and surprisingly they didn’t Vaseline up their faces, take off their jewelry, pull their hair back and scratch at each other while Maddox and Justin Theroux shouted, “Whoop that trick!” They didn’t run into each other and nothing happened, but hos (this ho included) made a big deal about it and Jennifer Aniston thinks we all need to move on. Jennifer told Entertainment Tonight that after 10 years, 10 million tabloid covers and 35 million blog posts (half of which probably came from this blog), it’s time for us to let go of the “Aniston vs. Brangelina” saga for once and for all. What Angelina did was very uncool, but Jennifer is long over it and wants everyone to join her.

“I think that’s slowly coming to an end. I really do. I mean, [Unbroken] is so beautiful and wonderful and she did such a gorgeous job. I think that it’s time people stop with that petty B.S. and just start celebrating great work and stop with the petty kind of silliness. It’s just tiresome and old. It’s like an old leather shoe. Let’s buy a new pair of shiny shoes.”

So if this shit is over, what are we supposed to talk about then? What are we supposed to fight about? Are we supposed to talk about the weather? Are we supposed to talk about our own boring lives? Doesn’t Jennifer Aniston know that if the feud that the media won’t let die truly dies, tabloids will crumble, people will lose their jobs and we’ll all aimlessly wander around in this new, confused world?

I see what Jennifer is really doing here. She’s trying to drop St. Angie’s guard. After those two go out for a cordial lunch, they’ll go shopping for those new shiny shoes and as St. Angie goes to try them on, Jennifer will grab that home wrecking hussy harlot whore’s hair and drag her across the floor while screaming, “Gotcha, bitch!” Yeah, that’s what’s going on and I can wait to read all about it in InTouch Weekly’s  cover story titled: “Jennifer To Angelina: ‘You’re petty and tiresome!’

It Was Charitable Of Alexis Carrington To Let St. Angie Jolie Wear One Of Her Old Ones

January 15, 2015 / Posted by:

The Critics’ Choice Awards were tonight and you’d think St. Angie Jolie would be busy sneaking into the houses of Oscar voters to suck out their souls and steal their children’s dreams for not throwing her a Best Director nomination, but she didn’t do that shit. She’ll save it for tomorrow night. Instead, she told Brad Pitt to stay his ass home with his bong and she threw on some shit she borrowed from the Dynasty wing of the Smithsonian (there’s a Dynasty wing at the Smithsonian, right?) and gave us some Alexis Carrington. I know, if you were next to me, you’d put on all of your rings and slap me back and forth for comparing anyone to the incomparable Alexis Carrington.

Since St. Angie Jolie did herself up like Alexis Carrington, I was hoping that Jennifer Aniston would serve up some Krystle Carrington and halfway through the show a fountain would be rolled out into the middle of the stage and the two would cat fight in it. Jennifer Aniston didn’t go Krystle Carrington, but she did wear an actual color and wore necklaces that made it look like she bedazzled her tits. Never mind that Jennifer Aniston is so damn orange that she has the complexion of a baked Dorito, I’m into this look. It’s very Prince if Prince was a Mary Kay saleswoman.

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So far there’s no reports of Jennifer Aniston and St. Angie having a dance-off to Meeting In The Ladies Room, but I’ll keep you posted. And click here if you want to see the winners from tonight.

Pics: Splash, Getty

Billy Bob Thornton Wants To Go All The Places That Brad Pitt’s Peen Has Been, Basically

January 13, 2015 / Posted by:

If Billy Bob Thornton’s creepy “Yes, I stole a pair of dirty panties from your laundry basket and I sniff them while staring at the wall collage I made using the pictures I took of you leaving your house ” eyes make you want to blow a whistle and run into the arms of the nearest adult, you’re not alone. I’m holding onto my dog with one hand right now. He’s 61 in dog years. He counts as an adult.

After winning the Best Actor in a mini-series or TV movie Golden Globe for the acting stuff he’s done in Fargo, Billy Bob Thornton played a little game with reanimated Howdy Doody puppet, Billy Bush, and the unsettlingly peppy Kit Hoover of Access Hollywood. Billy and Kit copied Tina Fey and Amy Poehler by asking St. Angie Jolie’s second husband if he’d rather fuck Laura Jeanne Poon (Hollywood name: Reese Witherspoon) or Jennifer Aniston? Now, I’d go with Laura Jeanne Poon, because you know she’s a hardcore dom. She probably gets crazy, curses at you, spits at your face and says shit like, “Suck on this American citizen clit, bitch!” Jennifer Aniston probably stops halfway through to turn her Care Bear the other way because she doesn’t want it to see her getting down. Billy Bob went with ANISTON and said it’s one of his “lifelong goals.”

Billy and Kit then asked Billy Bob if he’d rather get with Keira Knightley or Jennifer Aniston. Billy Bob spit this out:

“Jennifer Aniston. How many times does it take to get this through your head?”

Billy Bob was definitely doing some grade A trolling, because Billy and Kit said that he kept saying Jennifer Aniston’s name after every single question they asked no matter what the question was. Billy and Kit also claim that they completely forgot that Billy Bob was once bonded in blood with St. Angie Jolie. Please. I know that NBC replaced Billy and Kit’s brains with a machine that only produces happy, peppy thoughts, but they knew what they were doing. Meanwhile, Jennifer Aniston is using her Smart Water money to have a time machine built so she can go back to the year 2000 and bone Billy Bob before screaming at Angie, “I fucked your husband first, tramp!”

Here’s Billy Bob working those plugs while doing the Golden Globes party circuit with his partner Connie Angland.

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash

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