Praise be! What a glorious day! For today we have word from the holiest of holy places! No, Moses has not come with ten more commandments. And no, Jesus has not sent us a message with his actual re-arrival date. No, something much more holy. St. Angie has blessed us with talk about the educational developments of her disciples and/or children. To get a glimpse into their golden minds is nothing short of a miracle.
The saint of saints decided to grace BBC Radio 4’s show Woman’s Hour with her divine presence and she let us mere mortals know what’s up with her child army. If you didn’t think they were planning total world domination, you will now (via UsWeekly):
All the kids are learning different languages. I asked them what languages they wanted to learn and Shi is learning Khmai, which is the Cambodian language, Pax is focusing on Vietnamese, Mad has taken to German and Russian, Z is speaking French, Vivienne really wanted to learn Arabic, and Knox is learning sign language.
Sign. Language. Sign language! That is commitment to covering all the bases and making sure that at least one kid speaks the language of whatever country they decide to take next. But you know when the kids all presented their dossiers on what language they’d like to learn the others were pissed when Knox went last and pulled that move. I think we can also be pretty sure that Zahara shot him her classic side eye and gave him a sign that is universally understood, deaf or not – the middle finger.
Here’s St. Angie arriving in NYC with Knox, Maddox and her brother with whom she has a totally normal family relationship, James Haven:
Somewhere between running a child army, saving the world and making HIGH ART movies , Angelina Jolie has somehow found the time to educate the peasants at London School of Economics next year. No, she’s not teaching a master class in home wrecking. If LSE offered up that course, I’m sure they’d get a more masterful and seasoned home wrecker like Sienna Miller to teach it.
The Guardian says that St. Angie will be a visiting professor at LSE and will teach a course on how war impacts women. The course is the first of its kind in the world. St. Angie has been a UN Goodwill Ambassador for 15 years and in 2012, she became part of a Special Envoy that focuses on helping refugees. Professor Dame St. Angie said in a statement to The Guardian that she hopes more schools and universities will pick up the course and teach it.
“It is vital we broaden the discussion on how to advance women’s rights and end impunity for crimes that disproportionately affect women, such as sexual violence in conflict.
I am looking forward to teaching and to learning from the students, as well as to sharing my own experiences of working alongside governments and the United Nations.”
St. Angie is working on the course with William Hague, the United Kingdom’s former First Secretary of State. The course will last one year and start at the beginning of the academic year in 2017. Both Professor Dame St. Angie and William Hague will teach at least once a year, “as often as their schedules, and their commitment as agreed with the centre director, will allow.”
Students can start applying for Professor Dame St. Angie’s course in the fall. In my last post about St. Angie, I wondered if the Brangeloonies still exist. I’ll get my answer if this fall it’s reported that several crazed middle-aged American women in stained, faded, old Team Jolie t-shirts were seen throwing money at the admissions office while saying, “PUT ME IN THAT ANGELINA CLASS, YOU LOOSERS.” Yes, in my head, they talk in all-caps too.
Almost 6 years ago, Chelsea Handler ended up at the top of the Brangeloonies’ enemy list and they vowed to destroy her as soon as they tricked the doctors into thinking they were sane enough to be released from the mental hospital. (Side question: Do the Brangeloonies still exist?) Chelsea declared war with God when she called his prized creation Angelina Jolie a “home wrecker,” a “cunt,” and a “fucking bitch” during a show in Newark, NJ. Throughout the years, Jennifer Aniston’s main partner in tanning and boozing continued to slap at St. Angie by calling her everything from a “demon” to a “non-girl’s girl.”
2016 has sharted up many surprises and it seems like Chelsea’s naranja leather ass has softened up a bit, so if you’re wondering if she still hates St. Angie more than she hates the words “last call,” she answered that question recently. In the first episode of Chelsea’s Netflix show titled, wait for it…Chelsea, she talks to Drew Barrymore and this happened. via The Washington Post
While talking to her friend Drew Barrymore during the show’s premiere, Handler — who is also known to be good friends with Jennifer Aniston — said “I think most women support women. If you’re a girl you should kind of like other girls and if you don’t, your name’s Angelina Jolie.”
Um, is Chelsea forgetting that St. Angie’s holy ‘gina has bumped it with Jenny Shimizu before. Angie does like some girls. But you know, it’s a little comforting knowing that no matter how much this world changes, one thing will stay the same: Chelsea will forever hate St. Angie. And that’s probably the secret to Chelsea’s tan. Every time she talks shit about St. Angie, a lightning bolt from heaven hits her and crisps up her skin!
While looking like she’s wearing an ensemble from the Darth Vadar Collection for Chico’s (I’m surprised Disney’s marketing team didn’t do that, honestly), St. Angie Jolie went through LAX last night with three members of the child army, Pax, Shiloh and Zahara. The Daily Mail says that St. Angie was in Cambodia filming her new movie and before she got to L.A. last night, she made a short stop in London to get a quickie serving of dick cheese and armpit syrup (she hooked up with Brad Pitt who’s there filming something).
After I looked at these pictures, a membership to AARP popped up in my inbox, I had to call Apple support to ask them how to respond to that email from AARP, I could feel hairs growing out of my ears and I suddenly got the urge to stand outside my door and watch my neighbors to see if they’ll do anything I can snitch on them for. Seeing Pax as an almost teenager pushed me into the “strawberry hard candies in my pockets” phase of life. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go to Target to yell at people in the aisles. I do that anyway, but since I’m an old now, I’m hoping they’ll let me yell a few minutes longer before they call security.
The air in Cambodia is filled a whole lot more holiness…and weed smoke, because St. Angie Jolie, Brad Pitt and their child army are there while she directs First They Killed My Father, another light feel-good movie from her. (It’s about the Cambodian genocide.) While talking to the Associated Press about the movie, St. Angie said that Cambodia completely changed her life. The first time she went to Cambodia was 16 years ago to do the first Tomb Raider movie. Before then, she didn’t think she’d ever be the mother of a zillion children and probably thought she’d continue to make blood jewelry with Billy Bob Thornton for a while. But that trip made her want to be a UN ambassador, and she says that while playing with a bunch of Cambodian children, she realized she wanted to adopt a child from there. AND THE REST IS HOLY HISTORY!
“When I first came to Cambodia, it changed me. It changed my perspective. I realized there was so much about history that I had not been taught in school, and so much about life that I needed to understand, and I was very humbled by it. That trip triggered my realization of how little I knew and the beginning of my search for that knowledge.
It’s strange, I never wanted to have a baby. I never wanted to be pregnant. I never babysat. I never thought of myself as a mother. It was suddenly very clear to me that my son was in the country, somewhere.”
Every toy store owner, McDonald’s executive and makers of black clothes for children really need to give a zillion thanks to Cambodia, because if it wasn’t for Cambodia, the child army wouldn’t exist and they’d all have giant CLOSED signs on their businesses. The truth!
“Okay, so I’ve had my assistants, St. Francis of Assisi and Jesus, mark the spot where my friend God will be parting the clouds and sending down a soft beam of heavenly light to illuminate my halo. So if you can let all the photographers know that they should shoot me from over there, that would be great.”
In case you’re wondering why there was recently a dramatic increase in reported miracles and little old ladies claiming to have seen the image of a pair of severe cheekbones in their toast, it was because Angelina Jolie and her flock of SITs (saints-in-training) walked among us regulars yesterday. St. Angie brought 5 of her wingless angels (Maddox stayed home with Daddy Brad) to the Los Angeles premiere for Kung Fu Panda 3. They didn’t stroll down the red carpet with Angie – us mere humans can only handle so much blessing. But they did leave the theater together, which I’m sure is Heaven’s equivalent to seeing pictures of the Royal Family on the Buckingham Palace balcony.
The appearance of St. Angie at the Kung Fu Panda 3 premiere isn’t that surprising (bitch has a movie to pimp); I am, however, surprised her kids found the time. According to the Daily Mail, Shilo and Zahara have been busy sponsoring a Cambodian family. Apparently they were approached by a 16-year-old girl while they were getting ice cream in Siem Reap with Daddy Brad, and were so moved by her story that they took her and her 12 brothers and sisters shopping for new clothes and bikes. That’s technically enough to earn them 8 gold stars and honorary sainthood. But I guess they had an open spot on their philanthropy schedules and wanted to put in a little extra charity work, so they swung by the premier with their mom.
Here’s more of Our Lady of Perpetual Cheekbones and five kids whose faces are probably already on prayer cards, as well as a bunch of non-holy types and their kids, like Jack Black and Kate Hudson.
And I’m sure that after they see my impeccable Photoshop work, Universal will beg me to do the special effects.
The critics pretty much declared St. Angie Jolie’s HIGH ART 70s perfume commercial By The Sea an Ambien-laced turd and it also bombed at the box office. The Brangeloonies should be ashamed of themselves for not selling their house, their cars, their internal organs and their kids to buy every ticket available! If you’re a Brangeloonie and you’re not homeless and eating dirt pies because you sold everything to support your God’s movie, then you can’t call yourself a Brangeloonie. Shameful! But anyway…
By The Zzz has been out in limited-release for two weeks and so far it’s only made around $321,000 domestically. The Hollywood Reporter says that Universal put up all the money. The budget was $25 million (Universal claims the budget was $10 million) and another $15 million was spent on marketing. Universal is probably going to eat most of that money, but they don’t care. A source tells THR that Universal is hoping that since they gave St. Angie some play money for her little movie, she will return the favor by starring in one of their big-budget movies. Universal probably figures that since Maleficent made a zillion dollars, they’ll also make a mountain of money from St. Angie playing another monster: The Bride of Frankenstein.
Back in March, Angelina Jolie had her ovaries and fallopian tubes removed to make sure she didn’t get ovarian cancer. In doing so, she started going through menopause. Now, from what I know about menopause (ie. what I learned from that episode of The Golden Girls where Blanche thinks she’s pregnant), it’s that menopause is a Hell of hot flashes and night sweats and just generally feeling like crap. But don’t expect to see Angelina airing out her pits in front of an open freezer door any time soon, because she recently admitted to The Daily Telegraph that saints don’t experience menopause in the same way that mere mortals do.
“I actually love being in menopause. I haven’t had a terrible reaction to it, so I’m very fortunate. I feel older, and I feel settled being older. I feel happy that I’ve grown up. I don’t want to be young again.”
To which Young Angelina Jolie replied: “Aw, come on – the blood necklace Billy Bob dragon tattoo kissing your brother at the Oscars years weren’t THAT bad.”
Of course St. Angie isn’t experiencing the crappy parts of menopause; that was probably part of the contract she signed when she agreed be Heaven’s official ambassador to Earth. I don’t blame her! If I was negotiating with God, I too would make sure there was a section stating that when I go through menopause (aka the Angel Change), I wouldn’t get any hot flashes. I’m sure there’s also a part in there about not getting hungover after a night of hard drinking, and a request to alter her sense of smell so that Brad Pitt’s stale weed stink is recognized in her brain as fresh-cut flowers.
What’s the point of getting old if you’re not going to fully embrace your “get off my lawn” phase of life and retire from giving a fuck? Robert De Niro obviously gets it, because he’s been on a cranky roll lately and is reading bitches left and right.
Robert De Niro recently quit an interview, because he didn’t like the interviewer’s “negative questions” and told her, “I’m not doing this, darling.” And at the WSJ. Innovator Awards in NYC on Wednesday night, he verbally took a chancleta to a tech dude who made a joke. Page Six says that Stewart Butterfield (yes, that’s the name of a real person and not the name of a rejected Bond villain from the 70s), who co-founded Flickr and the app Slack, won an award and during his speech, he joked that he was a “long way from San Francisco” after pointing out all the famous people in the room. Stewart Butterfield then pointed out De Niro in the audience and said:
“I watched ‘Godfather II’ on the plane . . . when you killed Don Fanucci, I liked that.”
Well, Robert De Niro didn’t like that. De Niro got up to the mic to present St. Angie Jolie with an award, and before he did that, he spanked a bitch:
“Whoever the last speaker was . . . I thought you were a bit condescending to us actors . . . celebrities. I’m gonna go on record with you just to say that. And I don’t give a fuck who you are.”
Stewart Butterfield missed a good opportunity to really twist up De Niro’s chonies by saying “You talkin’ to me?” from the audience. But Stewart Butterfield did tweet that he loved getting trash talked by De Niro.
Yeah, Robert De Niro needs to get all the way over himself since actors aren’t untouchable jewels who shouldn’t be joked about, but at the same time I love a delusional old crotchety coot. I just want to follow him around for 5 minutes, because in that 5 minutes I’m sure he’d verbally abuse a pigeon for looking at him wrong and he’d try to fist fight his shadow for standing too close to him.
With that being said, his “give us precious actors the respect we deserve” slap down would’ve been 100% perfect if he added a “darling” to the end of it.
At WSJ. Magazine’s Innovator Awards the other night, St. Angie Jolie and Brad Pitt posed like two constipated stone pillars on Ambien. Well, they may have switched up their weed strain when they got to California, because at the AFI Festival screening of By The Zzzzz in Hollywood last night, they looked alive and Brad Pitt’s seven layers of bronzer nearly melted off of his mug as he stared at St. Angie Jolie’s holy beaded chichis. While Brad gave us “cruise ship restaurant maitre d’,” St. Angie Jolie wore a dress made from the curtains that used to hang in Liberace’s formal dining room. Brad must’ve been smoking up some serious shit in the car, because he’s doing the same, “Me? Stoned? Naw,” squint that I do after my fourth or fifth bowl.
The reviews for By The Sea are dribbling in and so far on Rotten Tomatoes there’s 5 shitty reviews and 1 good review, giving it only 17%. I skimmed some of the reviews and the ones I read said that it’s really beige (in more ways than one) and that it’s too damn boring to be campy. Here’s a quotes from RT:
If “By the Sea” weren’t so aggressively humorless, it might almost qualify as camp, so unsuccessful is its pursuit of weighty drama. Unintentional laughs are hard to come by here; instead, there are yawns aplenty. – The Wrap
An unabashed vanity project that struggles to turn its own beautiful inertia into a virtue. – Variety
Met with a tepid response at the opening night of this year’s AFI Film Festival, this languid piece of would-be art cinema will prove once again that even the biggest names in the world won’t draw an audience to something that, in and of itself, has no reason for being. – The Hollywood Reporter
I think all of that is fancy movie critic speak for: IT SUCKS.
We all better stock our end-of-the-world barracks with the good shit, booze, pork rinds and flip book porn, because I don’t need Opal Covey to tell me that God will wreak havoc on civilization if critics keep calling By The Sea a comatose turkey. God is obviously biased, because he should’ve destroyed this bitch when Hollywood ruined Jem.