Earthbound seraphim Angelina Jolie made her presence known at the 2015 Nickelodeon Kids Choice Awards last night. Nickelodeon’s yearly award show is known for “sliming” the celebrity presenters. Realizing that showering a demigoddess with slime would bring the world that much closer to the end times, she remained Kermit-spooge free. Cheered on by her daughters (you know them better as “the chosen ones”) Zahara and Shiloh, Angie accepted a blimp for Favorite Villain and Favorite Movie Actress for Malificent.
She had a message for all the chilluns:
“When I was a kid I was told – like Maleficent – that I was different. But then I realized something: different is good. So maybe you don’t fit in. Be yourself. And when someone tells you that you are different, just smile and hold your head up, and be proud. And as your villain, I would say, ‘Cause a little trouble. It is good for you!’”
The highly important decision not to slime Angelina might also have to do with her going through some more serious shit recently in regards to her health.
Be sure to click this link for a pic of Angie and her girls posing with that bass ass Meaghan Trainor person. Zahara’s expression reads “I’ll throw this lesser a bone and give her a pic for her scrapbook.” Shiloh’s reads “I really only listen to Sleator-Kinney, so I have no clue who this trick is.” And Angie is very “I’m always happy to gratify a seat-filler, but let’s get on with this.”
One sexy celeb who DID get a green load to the face was the show’s host, hot ass Nick Jonas! The highly untruthful Jennifer Lopez pressured him. Her lying ass didn’t get slimed either. SHE’S not a deity who recently nixed her ovaries, why does she get a pass?
All you kinky bitches into gunge can pant and pucker at the slimy screengrabs below. Nick really should have taken his shirt off first and flexed a little. While being green-jizzed upon. This is probably the wrong blog for these musings.
Check out vid of Angie’s speech below, as well as pics of her and the Chosen Ones, Nick’s green facial, and Nick and his chick Olivia Culpo on the orange carpet.
Photo credit: Splash & Zimbio
When St. Angie Jolie wrote an op-ed piece for The New York Times about how she had a double mastectomy after finding out that she has the BRCA1 gene, she said that she also planned to have her ovaries and fallopian tube taken out, because she wants to make sure she doesn’t get ovarian cancer. Well, she had them removed last week and she wrote all about it in another piece for The New York Times. Because she had her ovaries taken out, she’s got into menopause. Brad Pitt better get her some of that weed wax, because she’s going to need some potent shit to deal with menopause and all those little kids at the same time.
Angelina writes that wasn’t planning on getting her ovaries and fallopian tube removed for another few months, but a couple of weeks ago she got a call from her doctor who said that a number of her “inflammatory markers” were “elevated” and that it could be a sign of early cancer. He sent her off to a surgeon to have her ovaries checked out. Brad Pitt flew out from France to be with her. Her tumor test came back negative and her CT scan was clear. She was told there’s still a chance she has the very early stages of cancer, so she decided to take out her ovaries earlier than expected. She is not fucking around. Before her surgeries, she had an 87% chance of getting breast cancer and a 50% chance of getting ovarian cancer.
If Amy and I were playing a game of charades, I’d scream, “Me the time I was on acid and thought I could make bubbles with my hands.”
Former Sony co-chairman Amy Pascal talked with Tina Brown at the Women in the World conference in San Francisco yesterday and of course the Sony Hack was brought up. Amy said that she was shown the exit door because of the Sony Hack and then got into specific shit that came out in the emails. If you want to see the whole talk, click here for the video. Amy Pascal is giving me “Peg from Lady and the Tramp on Valium and wine” during that interview. After the cut are a few things that Amy said about the Sony Hack.
The Australian tabloid Woman’s Day says that soon Captain Maddox will give a new recruit a tour of the child army barracks in France and train the kid on how to make the most of an all-black wardrobe and how to lure dirty ass Brad Pitt to a bubble bath using a joint tied to a stick. A source (read: a first year intern who minors in Brangeloonism) tells Woman’s Day that Brad Pitt and Dame St. Angie Jolie are in the process of adopting a Syrian refugee she met in Turkey. “Hasn’t that poor child been through enough?” typed Scott Rudin whiled forwarding the Woman’s Day story to Amy Pascal.
The source says that St. Angie first met the 2-year-old kid named Moussa at the Altinozu refugee camp in Turkey and it was love at first sight. St Angie and Brad’s team confirmed that Moussa is an orphan and have been working on the adoption for the last few months. Meanwhile, Moussa is still at the refugee camp taking in “I see you’re going Hollywood” looks from the other orphans. The source spit out this stream of fanfic:
“Angelina heard about him from a translator and she was obviously upset, but Moussa was just beaming from ear to ear and when he saw she was wiping tears from her eyes he toddled up to her and gave her a hug and it was a very emotional moment and everyone was suddenly laughing and smiling. She kissed him on the top of his head and then they were basically inseparable for the rest of the visit.”
What kind of plot line for a sappy Super Bowl commercial? I’m surprised the “source” didn’t also say that the boy was blind but as soon as St. Angie Jolie’s angelic tears landed on his face, he could see again.
In other St. Angie news, there’s a rumor that Marvel wants St. Angie to direct the Captain Marvel movie. In other other St. Angie news, she and William Hague announced that they’re opening a Centre for Women, Peace and Security in London. I see what’s really going on here. St. Angie is going to use the Captain Marvel shoot as a front to train her child army. When you see pictures of St. Angie shooting a scene with tanks, the members of the child army will be driving those tanks. And in the basement of that new Centre will be the new child army training facility. The child army is growing and they’ll soon take over the world.
But seriously, Woman’s Day is about as reliable as Brian Williams, so that story probably isn’t true. I won’t believe it until St. Angie and Brad announce that they’ve adopted a 2-year-old boy from Syria that they’ve named Fax, Rolex, Mueslix or some other name that ends with an x.
Jennifer Aniston and St. Angie Jolie were in the same room last night (TMZ has riveting picture proof of it) and surprisingly they didn’t Vaseline up their faces, take off their jewelry, pull their hair back and scratch at each other while Maddox and Justin Theroux shouted, “Whoop that trick!” They didn’t run into each other and nothing happened, but hos (this ho included) made a big deal about it and Jennifer Aniston thinks we all need to move on. Jennifer told Entertainment Tonight that after 10 years, 10 million tabloid covers and 35 million blog posts (half of which probably came from this blog), it’s time for us to let go of the “Aniston vs. Brangelina” saga for once and for all. What Angelina did was very uncool, but Jennifer is long over it and wants everyone to join her.
“I think that’s slowly coming to an end. I really do. I mean, [Unbroken] is so beautiful and wonderful and she did such a gorgeous job. I think that it’s time people stop with that petty B.S. and just start celebrating great work and stop with the petty kind of silliness. It’s just tiresome and old. It’s like an old leather shoe. Let’s buy a new pair of shiny shoes.”
So if this shit is over, what are we supposed to talk about then? What are we supposed to fight about? Are we supposed to talk about the weather? Are we supposed to talk about our own boring lives? Doesn’t Jennifer Aniston know that if the feud that the media won’t let die truly dies, tabloids will crumble, people will lose their jobs and we’ll all aimlessly wander around in this new, confused world?
I see what Jennifer is really doing here. She’s trying to drop St. Angie’s guard. After those two go out for a cordial lunch, they’ll go shopping for those new shiny shoes and as St. Angie goes to try them on, Jennifer will grab that home wrecking hussy harlot whore’s hair and drag her across the floor while screaming, “Gotcha, bitch!” Yeah, that’s what’s going on and I can wait to read all about it in InTouch Weekly’s cover story titled: “Jennifer To Angelina: ‘You’re petty and tiresome!’“
The Critics’ Choice Awards were tonight and you’d think St. Angie Jolie would be busy sneaking into the houses of Oscar voters to suck out their souls and steal their children’s dreams for not throwing her a Best Director nomination, but she didn’t do that shit. She’ll save it for tomorrow night. Instead, she told Brad Pitt to stay his ass home with his bong and she threw on some shit she borrowed from the Dynasty wing of the Smithsonian (there’s a Dynasty wing at the Smithsonian, right?) and gave us some Alexis Carrington. I know, if you were next to me, you’d put on all of your rings and slap me back and forth for comparing anyone to the incomparable Alexis Carrington.
Since St. Angie Jolie did herself up like Alexis Carrington, I was hoping that Jennifer Aniston would serve up some Krystle Carrington and halfway through the show a fountain would be rolled out into the middle of the stage and the two would cat fight in it. Jennifer Aniston didn’t go Krystle Carrington, but she did wear an actual color and wore necklaces that made it look like she bedazzled her tits. Never mind that Jennifer Aniston is so damn orange that she has the complexion of a baked Dorito, I’m into this look. It’s very Prince if Prince was a Mary Kay saleswoman.
Pics: Splash, Getty
If Billy Bob Thornton’s creepy “Yes, I stole a pair of dirty panties from your laundry basket and I sniff them while staring at the wall collage I made using the pictures I took of you leaving your house ” eyes make you want to blow a whistle and run into the arms of the nearest adult, you’re not alone. I’m holding onto my dog with one hand right now. He’s 61 in dog years. He counts as an adult.
After winning the Best Actor in a mini-series or TV movie Golden Globe for the acting stuff he’s done in Fargo, Billy Bob Thornton played a little game with reanimated Howdy Doody puppet, Billy Bush, and the unsettlingly peppy Kit Hoover of Access Hollywood. Billy and Kit copied Tina Fey and Amy Poehler by asking St. Angie Jolie’s second husband if he’d rather fuck Laura Jeanne Poon (Hollywood name: Reese Witherspoon) or Jennifer Aniston? Now, I’d go with Laura Jeanne Poon, because you know she’s a hardcore dom. She probably gets crazy, curses at you, spits at your face and says shit like, “Suck on this American citizen clit, bitch!” Jennifer Aniston probably stops halfway through to turn her Care Bear the other way because she doesn’t want it to see her getting down. Billy Bob went with ANISTON and said it’s one of his “lifelong goals.”
Billy and Kit then asked Billy Bob if he’d rather get with Keira Knightley or Jennifer Aniston. Billy Bob spit this out:
“Jennifer Aniston. How many times does it take to get this through your head?”
Billy Bob was definitely doing some grade A trolling, because Billy and Kit said that he kept saying Jennifer Aniston’s name after every single question they asked no matter what the question was. Billy and Kit also claim that they completely forgot that Billy Bob was once bonded in blood with St. Angie Jolie. Please. I know that NBC replaced Billy and Kit’s brains with a machine that only produces happy, peppy thoughts, but they knew what they were doing. Meanwhile, Jennifer Aniston is using her Smart Water money to have a time machine built so she can go back to the year 2000 and bone Billy Bob before screaming at Angie, “I fucked your husband first, tramp!”
Here’s Billy Bob working those plugs while doing the Golden Globes party circuit with his partner Connie Angland.
As expected, Pope Fracis met one of his bosses and God’s second-in-command at his palace in Vatican City. It was reported yesterday that Brad Pitt was supposed to tag along, but he wasn’t there for the most important religious moment in history, because Shiloh and Zahara went with St. Angie Jolie and the Vatican can only hold in so much holiness.
Dame St. Angie Jolie was at the Vatican to screen Unbroken and after the screening, she was summoned to the throne room in The Pope’s house to meet Pope Franny. E! News says that the meeting didn’t last that long. They gossiped about that saint-hating trick Scott Rudin and Pope Francis told St. Angie that he always sees her in pictures with a greasy hobo and she truly is a saint for helping the homeless. They touched hands for a second and afterward Pope Francis shook like a fangirl and was overheard saying, “Girl, I’m never washing this hand again.” The Pope should’ve paid proper respect to St. Angie by literally kissing her ass, but since she’s humble and gracious, she kissed his ring instead. That ring has since been protected in a vacuum-sealed bag and The Pope will cuddle with it every night. After the Catholic kiki with Pope Francis, St. Angie released this statement:
“To be invited to screen Unbroken at The Vatican is an honor and a tribute to Louie’s legacy as a man of faith and someone who exemplified the power of forgiveness and the strength of the human spirit. These are universal themes at the heart of the human experience everywhere.”
St. Angie, Zahara and Shiloh (who is giving me “hipster going to a job interview”) also took this group picture in front of a portrait of a dove getting ready to attack The Pope’s face.
Well, Pope Francis hasn’t even been Pope for a year, but he had a good run. Now that he’s met St. Angie, he’s going to resign as Pope, turn in his white chichi hat, replace his wardrobe with all-black clothes and convert to Brangeloonieism.
According to UsWeekly, preparations are currently underway at Pope Castle (is that the name of the Pope’s house? I really should have paid more attention to my Catholic cousins) to receive the most important guests this side of Jesus: St. Angelina Jolie and her greasy glass of dirty bong water husband Brad Pitt. An insider says that St. Angie and The Funyun King have planned a trip to Italy for a “VIP meet-and-greet” at the Vatican with Pope Francis. I didn’t know the Vatican had a VIP package? I bet it comes with a Bible wrapped in Rolexes or something.
It might seem weird that Brad and Angie want to meet Pope Francis, considering Brad has admitted before that he flip-flops between agnosticism and atheism, but according to this insider, they both admire Pope Francis and “like the Pope’s message”. No word on whether or not St. Angie’s angel babies are going with them, but I’m going to guess probably not, because, really, what use would they have for the Pope? They’ve already been gifted with a lifetime of blessings (ie. staring into St. Angie’s miraculous cheese knife cheekbones every morning when they wake up, hearing her heavenly voice scream at Brad to “open a damn window and turn down COPS” every night as they drift off to sleep).
I know they’re trying to spin this visit like it’s some kind of celebrity Pope visit, but we all know what it really is; the first staff meeting of 2015 for Heaven’s on-Earth reps. If you hear of Bruce Jenner making a surprise trip to Italy sometime in the next couple of days, you’ll know why (he’s an angel to me). And I’m sure Angie has a lot to talk about this year too: famine, floods, poverty, but most importantly – Scott Rudin taking the Lord’s name in vain by referring to God’s favorite savior St. Angie as a spoiled brat.
And it looks like the angel St. Angie rode to Italy flew at the speed of light, because here she is arriving in Rome today:
I should certainly hope so; it’s only been a damn decade. Although imagine if she was still like “OMG such sad, please don’t ask – wound is still too new“? She’d basically be my friend’s melodramatic aunt who opens every conversation by reminding you that she just got divorced, even though her divorce papers have been tucked inside an old TV Guide with Steve Urkel on the cover since 1997. And yes, she makes the same crazy-eyed face Jennifer Aniston is making above every time she brings it up.
But Jennifer Aniston isn’t my friend’s divorce-obsessed aunt, apparently. During an interview with CBS Sunday Morning, Jenny was asked about all the BS tabloids who still want to talk about the drama surrounding her 2005 divorce from Brad Pitt, specifically if it bothers her that people are still bringing that shit up 10 years later. According to Jenny, Jenny don’t care:
“I don’t find it painful. I think it’s a narrative that follows you because it’s an interesting headline. It’s more of a media-driven topic.”
Meanwhile in a haunted castle high atop a dark mountain, a scheming St. Angie Jolie is plotting how to the spotlight away from Jennifer Aniston at the Golden Globes this Sunday night, just like how she thoughtlessly stole her husband years before – is a sentence that is probably being typed out right now by an intern at a tabloid somewhere.
I wish Jennifer would teach a class in how to be so zen about your exes. I have a couple exes who I’m on good terms with (aka I don’t curse the ground they walk on), but I also have 2 or 3 that did me dirty, and the mere mention of their names still makes my right eye twitch. I don’t know what Jennifer Aniston would suggest, but I hope it’s either booze or snuggling into a soft, pillowy Justin Theroux-sized pants bulge.