Sleepy-voiced grandpa Tom Brokaw must have some pull with God, because he was recently given the honor of sitting down with Heaven’s Ambassador to Earth Dame St. Angelina Jolie for an interview for the TODAY show. No, it’s actually because he’s making a documentary with her about the making of her film Unbroken (working title: Unbroken: The Story of St. Angie’s Twig-Like Arms).
And speaking of grandpas, Tom opens the interview by asking Angie a point-blank question about her marriage to human drug rug Brad Pitt, specifically if anything has changed since they made it legal. This is where I thought DSt.A was going to hiss “Well, we’ve started having more smoke-filled fights on a fancy balconies, for one thing” but she says the only thing that’s really changed is that she’s still trying to get used to being a wife.
“I think we have more moments where I say, ‘I’m going to be a better wife! I’m going to learn to cook,’ and he says, ‘Oh honey, know what you’re good at, know what you’re not.’ He knows my limitations and where I’m a good wife and a good mom.”
Oh, how sweet of Dame St. Angie to pretend she’s bad at something! That’s really very kind of her to act like she doesn’t wake up every morning on a bed of baby angel wings, float down the stairs of Château du Cheekbones, perform a series of breakfast miracles like turning water into freshly-squeezed orange juice and poaching eggs with the warmth of her heart, then chuckling a lighthearted laugh when Brad shuffles into the kitchen, bypasses the beautiful spread she’s created, and pours milk directly into a box of Lucky Charms.
And here’s Dame St. Angie of the People at the UK premiere of Unbroken looking like a skinny alien clone of Kate Middleton.
A few hours before this picture of Dame St. Angie Jolie saying to Brad Pitt, “Bitch, wipe that smirk off of your face and take your bitch ass outside in 5, because I’m not done with you,” was taken, a paparazzo took pictures of the Jesus and Mary of our time having a fight on the balcony of their hotel in Sydney. Please, we all know those two are perfect messiahs who only know how to spread love and peace. That fight was obviously staged to make them look human. What’s next? Leaked pictures of the supposed turd St. Angie dropped in a public toilet to make us think she actually shits?
The Australian tabloid Woman’s Day (via ONTD) put the pictures in a riveting video set to some weird song they bought for cheap. Woman’s Day says that St. Angie and Brad busted out a balcony tussle just hours after they reunited in Sydney. They obviously weren’t over their fight, because some source says that at the Unbroken premiere that night, they were as stiff as the chonies Brad Pitt hasn’t taken off for 3 weeks.
Brad, 50, downed a Crown Lager at the early hour of 10am and the pair were both seen clutching cigarettes as their intense discussion raged on. Industry insiders tell Woman’s Day that the tensions could be down to Ange’s hectic workload in the past year.
By 6pm that same day, Brad and Ange had pasted on happy smiles for the cameras as their first red-carpet event as a married couple and greeted a throng of fans on the way to Sydney’s State Theatre.
Despite arriving together in a black Land Rover, they barely looked at each other at the event –Brad busied himself signing autographs, while Ange focused on speaking to the assembled media on the other side of the road.
The video with the pictures in it is here. Because Brad has his arms wide open, it sort of looks like they’re playing a really boring 2-ho game of charades and he’s trying to describe Kim Kartrashian’s ass on Paper Magazine. The pictures are pretty suspect, though. I mean, did the pap wear a gas mask, because it’s weird that they didn’t drop their camera and pass out on the ground after Brad Pitt released a toxic BO smoke monster by lifting up his arms. And of course that’s not nicotine St. Angie’s inhaling. It’s the dried blood of virgins. She smokes it to recharges her powers.
I can’t wait to see these pictures on the cover of Star over the words, “Brangelina Have NUCLEAR Fight After Brad Gets Caught Texting A Heart Emoji To Jen!”
Here’s St. Angie taking Zahara and Shiloh to buy art supplies in NYC over the weekend.
Dame. St Angie Jolie has already directed 3 movies and she’ll soon start production on her 4th directorial project Africa. St. Angie is a serious director now! So since she’s a serious director, she’s joined the club of actors who are bored of doing acting shit and want to be full-time serious directors. While talking to DuJour Magazine about that Unbroken movie, St. Angie says that she’s definitely done with acting once she finishes up a few acting projects including Cleopatra (Side note: Can she retire before then, because the world doesn’t need her as Cleopatra).
“I’ve never been comfortable as an actor; I’ve never loved being in front of the camera,” Jolie says. “I didn’t ever think I could direct, but I hope I’m able to have a career at it because I’m much happier.”
Is the plan to give up acting entirely?
She smiles. “Absolutely.”
I know, this is some wall slide-inducing sad news for the zero of you who have been aching for a sequel to The Tourist.
But St. Angie tells Entertainment Weekly that she’ll retire from acting one day, but it’s not happening anytime soon.
“I see myself moving into directing more and doing much less as an actor. I have a few more in me, ones I have been developing for some time, so I will do those before I step away.”
How many times has she hinted at retiring? The first time she did it, the world continued to spin and surprisingly, Hollywood executives didn’t burn down their studios before setting themselves on fire, because what’s the point of going on when the greatest movie actress of every generation is done with acting in movies? So she hinted at it again. The world didn’t stop and the Hollywood sign didn’t crumble and slide down the hill. It didn’t happen this time either. If St. Angie really retired from acting to devote all of her time to directing, we’d know it. The world would stop and every Hollywood director would QUIT THAT BITCH, because there’s no way they could compete with the brilliance of St. Angie! So, she’s not retiring from acting and she’s definitely not retiring from saying she’s retiring from acting.
Here’s the not retired actress at the Paley Center in NYC today.
At the premiere of Unbroken (which again, is not a RobstenIsUnbroken propaganda documentary about Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart) in Sydney tonight, Dame St. Angie Jolie showed up looking like a beef bone that my abuelita wrapped in a black lace napkin to take home to her dog Tosco. St. Angie wore a strapless, boring, nothing-to-it dress to that made up Hollywood Film Awards and tonight she wore a strapless, boring, nothing-to-it dress. I have a feeling that’s going to be her thing this awards season. Designers are just going to wrap a napkin around her body, push her out onto the carpet and call it a day. Although, I think I just described every single dress that St. Angie has worn to every single premiere and awards show for the past 10 years.
Because I grew up Catholic and went to a few funerals as a kid, St. Angie’s dress reminds me of a black lace veil that an abuelita would wear while throwing herself on a casket as it goes into the ground at a burial. As I went through these pictures, I kept waiting to come across a picture of an abuelita asking St. Angie Jolie if she can have her black lace face veil dress in exchange for a giant thermos full of menudo. She’d probably give St. Angie the thermos full of menudo anyway.
Here’s more of St. Angie Jolie looking like the severe mom of an Ever After High doll at the Unbroken premiere with Brad Pitt and Jack O’Connell.
“You Know, The Guy I Usually Bring To These Things Always Leaves The Red Carpet Smelling Like Funyuns”
Because she’s always looking for any opportunity to clock a few extra hours of charity work, Dame St. Angie made an appearance at the Hollywood Film Awards last night. And since she’s got that movie she directed to pimp out, she also brought along the star of Unbroken (and owner of the pube-covered neck in Cara Delevingne’s stomach-churning hickey pic) Jack O’Connell.
Jack received the New Hollywood Award for his work in Unbroken and spent most of his acceptance speech slobbering over how wonderful St. Angie is. Meanwhile, Dame St. Angie’s husband Brad Pitt was at home slobbering on himself after he ripped an extra-long bong hit and passed out in his beanbag chair in the garage. He finally came too when the puddle of funyun drool collecting on his shoulder began to attract rats, or as he calls them, “bitey mice”.
I’m not sure why Dame St. Angie left Brapi at home, but it probably had something to do with her dress. Yes, St. Angie has worn 1,734,256 black dresses, but has she even worn a felt dress? Felt picks up everything – it’s like a hoarder in fabric form. So I can only imagine the hassle it would have been to try to keep that felt dress clean. All she’d have to do is lightly brush against Hobo Brad, and that thing would have been covered in Taco Bell crumbs and errant beard hairs and weed stems.
Here’s more of Dame St. Angie working some sexy couch fabric realness, as well as all the other famous hos at the Hollywood Film Awards last night:
St. Angie’s Wedding Present To Brad Pitt Was Going To Be A $250,000 Typewriter Once Owned By Ernest Hemingway
Yes, because that’s what Brad Pitt wants for a wedding present – a $250,000 typewriter. Come on, Dame St. Angie, everybody knows that stoners are the easiest people to buy for! I once had a major stoner for a roommate and you know what I gave her for her birthday? A pizza. A pizza, and she fucking lost her shit over it. I know St. Angie is rich as shit, but come on – $250,000 on a typewriter? Not worth it unless it’s stuffed with cheese and smells like pepperoni! That would truly be a beautiful and thoughtful present.
Regardless, Dame St. Angie never bought her formerly-hot husband said expensive typewriter, but TMZ says she came very close. $11,000 close, in fact! TMZ says that earlier this summer, Our Lady of Eternally Skinny Arms, Dame St. Angie, called up Steve Soboroff, President of the Los Angeles Police Commission and vintage typewriter collector. Steve Soboroff apparently has a huge collection of famous people’s typewriters, like Truman Capote and Marilyn Monroe. Basically if a famous person touched a typewriter, he now owns it. Angie was initially interested in buying Tennessee Williams’ typewriter, but he didn’t want to sell it. So she settled on the last typewriter Ernest Hemingway owned before he died.
St. Angie agreed on the price of the typewriter – $250,000 – and sent an angel over to Steve Soboroff’s house with a deposit check for $11,000. However, something happened and Angie decided to cancel the deal. A source claims she never asked for the $11,000 deposit back, but they sent it anyway. And that’s the story of how St. Angie almost blew a quarter of a million dollars on a typewriter that was fingered by a famous dude!
Angie can spend her Maleficent money on whatever she wants, but $250,000 for Hemingway’s typewriter? Angie, you got hoodwinked! There’s only one typewriter that’s worth $250,000, and it’s this one:
Well, close up the polls, cancel election day and send everyone home, because what’s the point of voting now that benevolent high priestess of the universe Dame St. Angie Jolie has told Vanity Fair that in addition to saving the world, keeping the busted wig industry alive, training her child army for their eventual takeover of the planet and making room in her trophy vault for dozens of Best Director Oscar statues, she may cause the collapse of democracy by getting into the politics game. St. Angie running for political office would cause the death of democracy, because every single candidate would drop out and when we’d go to vote, the only category on the ballot would be for Dictator of YOUR LIFE and the only voting option would be Dame St. Angie Jolie. You’d have to vote in blood, of course.
During an interview about Unbroken, Vanity Fair’s Janine di Giovanni asked St. Angie if she’s interested in being a politician one day. The former president of the International Home Wreckers League tells Vanity Fair that she isn’t totally shitting on the idea of running for office:
“When you work as a humanitarian, you are conscious that politics have to be considered,” she tells di Giovanni. “Because if you really want to make an extreme change, then you have a responsibility.” Jolie then catches herself. “But I honestly don’t know in what role I would be more useful—I am conscious of what I do for a living, and that [could] make it less possible.”
In di Giovanni’s last meeting with Jolie, however, Jolie’s opinion seems to have shifted. When directly asked if she sees herself pursuing a life in politics, diplomacy, or public service, Jolie says, “I am open.”
“I am open” is the only thing every politician and wannabe politician needed to hear. George Clooney just divorced Amal Clooney, because his political dreams are over now that St. Angie is “open” to running and he doesn’t need the picture perfect politician’s wife anymore. Hillary Clinton just shredded the presidential acceptance speech she’s had on file for years and is going to make her way to Scrunchies ‘R Us to ask for an application. Chris Christie just resigned and got a job working in a bridge toll booth.
And everyone’s moving out of the White House to make way for President Dame St. Angie Jolie and her family. But Joe Biden can stay, because First Husband Brad Pitt needs a tokin’ partner.
Dame St. Angie Jolie and Brad Pitt (no titles) are still in Malta shooting their own Eyes Wide Shut titled By The Sea and the other day a guest star made an appearance on her head. It’s nice to know that the dehydrated, thirsty, Pedialyte-needing creature that was on Beyonce’s head a little while ago grew outs its bangs, reinvented itself as a strawberry blond and found a new job on St. Angie’s head.
By The Sea takes places in the 70s, which is obviously why she looks like the 70s spit up all over her. St. Angie looks like a frazzled housewife circa 1974 who leaves her cheating politician husband after he’s involved in a cheating scandal and joins a cult that believes only weak humans eat food and superhuman get all their nourishment from eating air. Yes, I got all that from one picture and I haven’t even hit the bong yet. Since St. Angie wanted her character to go blond, she should’ve left that dead cat wig alone and brought back her greatest look of all-time. Her Life Or Something Like It look:
That sixth-rate Dolly Parton impersonator hair… Those faded Dracula brows… Now that is glamour. That IS the look.
Jon Voight is a major Michele Bachmann fanboy and he wishes Catholics believed in reincarnation, because in the next life he wants to be a corn dog so Michele Bachmann can wrap her lips around him. The Queen of the Tea Party’s reign of terror as a member of the US House of Representatives comes to an end this year and the Washington Post (via Jezebel) did a long ass piece on what’s next for her. They talked to Michele Bachmann’s close friend Jon Voight who slobbered out nothing but a stream of praise for her. Just like Marcus Bachmann’s ass at a tea party husbands only soiree, Michele Bachmann’s future is sky high, so says Jon Voight. Jon thinks that Michele is so interesting and amazing that Hollywood should make a movie about her life and he thinks the daughter who hates him so much that she didn’t tell him about her wedding should play Michele.
Actor and close friend Jon Voight said he’d talk to his friends at Fox News on her behalf. As far as he’s concerned, Bachmann is already a star. If there were ever to be a movie about her life, he said, his daughter Angelina Jolie would be great for the part. “Actually, that was not a wise thing for me to say, because her politics are not with Michele,” he said later. “I only wish they would be.”
And Jon Voight is supposed to be one of Michele Bachmann’s biggest fans?! Jon Voight doesn’t know shit and he should shut his mouth. He obviously doesn’t know Michele Bachmann, because St. Angie Jolie does not have what it takes to play her. Michele Bachmann has crazed eye globes that can burn a new hole into your body (“Why do you think I married her?” – Marcus Bachmann) and the edges of souls have caught on fire from the glares shooting out of her irises. If any kid of Jon Voight’s has what it takes to play Michele Bachmann, it’s James Haven:
I know, I just outed myself as Mimi’s in-home Photoshop expert thanks to that professional and perfect piece of work I threw up.
Malala Yousafzai became the youngest Nobel Peace Prize winner in history today (“Malala, you’re welcome for the recommendation, by the way” – Justin Bieber) and the day should belong to her and it did belong to her until St. Angie Jolie came along and stole her glory!
Back in June, the British royals announced that they were adding the title of “Dame” to St. Angie Jolie’s mountain of other titles (e.g. Saint, The Second Coming, Great Royal Home Wrecker, Our Lady Of Condom Shoes, etc…). Today at Buckingham Palace in London, THE QUEEN made it official by dame’ing St. Angie Jolie while throwing a look that said, “Reminder to self: Fish out that jam-covered crumpet I keep in my pocketbook and give it to this malnourished child.” THE QUEEN’s Corgis were seen around Buckingham Palace with clothespins on their noses and that could only mean one thing: stinky ass Brad Pitt was in the building. Brad Pitt and the entire child army were there when THE QUEEN presented St. Angie with the insignia of an Honorary Dame Grand Cross of the Most Distinguished Order of St Michael and St George for helping to save the world, specifically for her campaign work fighting sexual violence and for services to UK foreign policy.
The Telegraph says that since St. Angie Jolie isn’t a Brit, she can’t use the title of Dame, but she can throw the initials DCMG after her name. (“Oh, does DCMG stand for Depraved Conniving Man Grabber?” – Jennifer Aniston circa 2005)
St. Angie Jolie and Brad Pitt were reportedly invited to George Clooney’s intimate, low-key wedding in Venice, but they didn’t go, because they were too busy shooting their version of Eyes Wide Shut called By The Sea in Malta. They’re still shooting that movie, so I guess St. Angie only makes time for real queens, not STUNT QUEENS.
Here’s more of St. Angie looking like Lady Tremaine in an Easter suit while getting honored by THE QUEEN.