Angelina Jolie And Her Prosthetic Cheekbones Are Back In The Teaser Trailer For “Maleficent: Mistress of Evil”
Angelina Jolie’s vindictive demon hell-bent on revenge is back! “Pfft, some might say she never left” scoffed Brad Pitt to himself, I’m sure. Disney released the first official teaser trailer for Maleficent 2 yesterday. As we already knew, it’s actually called Maleficent: Mistress of Evil, which still sounds like a less-interesting, lawsuit-dodging rip-off of Elvira: Mistress of the Dark. Now we get to see Angelina’s Maleficent in action once again. Careful you don’t cut yourself on those cheekbones, they’re just as sharp as you remember.
You’re not going to have Angelina Jolie-Pitt to kick around anymore! You’re going to have to save your petty scorn for somebody else (I’m looking at you, Chelsea), because that woman no longer exists. Us Weekly reports that Angie’s legally rid herself of the Pitt name. This is probably the closest she’ll come to erasing the whole sordid affair short of commissioning an enormous wicker basket and leaving all of her children on the steps of a church.
In the knowing words of internet disciple Antoine Dodson, who prophesized this moment a decade ago, “Hide yo’ kids, hide yo’ wife and hide yo’ husband” because Angeline Jolie and Brad Pitt are officially single. That’s right, the pink construction paper heart that once read “Brangelina” has been ripped down the middle, and “Bra” and “Ngelina” stand alone, slightly altered versions of their pre-coupled selves. But you can stop jumping for joy thinking that this is the last you will be hearing from these mofos until they start publicly banging new people. Although the law has declared them officially single, Angelina and Brad are still hammering out the never-ending terms of their divorce (and probably because she wants him back!!!). If they could only take a pair of ripple edge children’s scissors and cut down the middle of their bank account and kids, we’d all be over this already.
Following In Melissa Etheridge’s Footsteps, Chelsea Handler Is Done Publicly Hating On Angelina Jolie
It’s a brave new world when Chelsea Handler reveals that she will no longer be air-kissing the c-word over at Angelina Jolie anymore. Life seems so strange and unfamiliar now that Chelsea Handler is wishing Angelina Jolie good luck on talk shows! ET reports that Chelsea told yappy celebrity ass-licker Andy Cohen on Watch What Happens Live this week that she’s through publicly shitting on her arch-nemesis Angelina Jolie. Meanwhile, in some refugee camp somewhere, Angelina Jolie overheard the name “Chelsea Handler” in relation to hers on Radio Free Europe or whatever and asked aloud, “who?”
Here’s some “news” that will make you seriously consider packing everything up and moving to Borneo to become a humble rubber tree farmer with no internet or TV. According to The Sun (anyone seen my salt shaker?), the reason Angelina Jolie has been dragging out her divorce from William Bradey Pitt, is because she wants him back. I solemnly swear that if Brad and Angelina ever dare get back together after all they’ve put us through, I will jump off the nearest cliff. It’s not fair that I should be the one to die, but it’s the only way to ensure I don’t suffer.
Silicon Valley star and anthropologist specializing in gaping assholes (Exhibit A and Exhibit B) Kumail Nanjiani is in talks to join the cast of Marvel Studios’ The Eternals, according to The Hollywood Reporter. The Eternals are kind of lower-tier Marvel Comics characters but every one of their properties is probably going to get a flick eventually, right? Before you know it, the Fantastic Four’s mailman will have a film trilogy and the shit will still make bank. (Personally, I’m hoping for an eventual Iceman/Northstar team-up with plenty of sex scenes now that Disney owns The X-Men. Make that happen, Marvel. Representation – with plenty of sex scenes – is important.)