Angelina Jolie recently popped up at the live-action Dumbo premiere with a good amount of her and Brad Pitt’s children on display. This inspired a “source” to reach out to Us Weekly to claim that Angie taking the kids out of the house and into the sunlight displeased Brad. One would think he’d be too busy debating whether or not to try and get ex-wife Jennifer Aniston back in his hemp-smelling clutches seeing as they’ve been seen in the same room lately. But you know, kids are important and stuff or whatever, bro.
For the Jolie-Pitts, nothing puts the “f”s in “family fun” quite like “forced foto-ops” on the red carpet for a kids movie with mom. Angelina Jolie unplugged the X-Box mid-Fortnite Battle Royale and told all them kids to go put on their outside clothes for the Hollywood premiere of Tim Burton’s Dumbo. Here’s the twist: They had fun.
Divorce attorneys don’t pay themselves, so Angelina Jolie has once again paired her sainthood and goodwill work with a big-ass budget feature film to keep her children fed and pay those publicists, er, sources who blab bad shit about Brad Pitt to TMZ. The sequel to 2014’s Maleficent, has already finished shooting and Disney has announced when it’s coming out. Since the first one did so well, Maleficent 2 was scheduled for Memorial Day 2020 – but now that’s been moved up to Halloween season this year! I guess Angie needs that back-end deal to kick in sooner than later!
Make the most of your regrets; never smother your sorrow, but tend and cherish it till it comes to have a separate and integral interest. To regret deeply is to live afresh.
– Henry David Thoreau. Or maybe Justin Theroux. I don’t know, what do I look like, a fucking nerd!?
Either way, they are words to live by for William Bradley Pitt. Brad probably has so many regrets he would sign on to do Cool World 2, at scale, for the chance to live afresh. And this year seems to be his year of reckoning for all the mistakes he’s made since a certain Long Tall Sally made his dick drip.
The petty and ugly (pegly?) custody battle between Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt finally came to an end, for now, last month. But before the pile of broken glass from the fallen Brangelina crystal kingdom gets swept into the dust bin forever (aka their divorce is finalized), they have to figure out other shit, like money. It was rumored that Angie, whose net worth is $160 million according to the internet, wanted money from Brad, whose net worth is $240 million according to the internet, because she’s having cash issues. Team Brad and everyone else laughed at Angie smearing dirt on her face and shaking wooden coins out of her Louis Vuitton change purse, but maybe she really is broke. I mean, she was spotted trying to make ends meet by selling dog treats at a dog park! Okay, her kids were selling the treats, and it was for a dog charity, but let’s go with it anyway.
Ain’t nobody got time to air side pieces during a normal divorce proceeding because that just screams, “Discretionary cash! Gimme half!”
There were tabloid murmurs that Brad Pitt and Charlize Theron were casually doing it after meeting on the set of a shoot for Breitling watches (see: above) six months ago. But some people took that with a grain of salt since Brad is friends with Charlize’s ex, Sean Penn. Brad seems lucid enough these days to know so much as a sneeze in front of Sean can set him off, so I’d imagine he’d steer clear of boinking the lady Sean used to be boinking. Alas, we’re now at an impasse: some people say they’re definitely NOT a thing while others say they definitely ARE – but don’t want to make a deal out of it until he and Angelina Jolie are no longer legally bound.