Chelsea Handler is talking about Jennifer Aniston’s life again. Chelsea has turned cheering for Team Aniston into a full-time job. The next time Jenny swings by Chelsea’s for a wine night, she better think about bringing a W-4 and a vacation request form.
After Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie’s marriage imploded, Chelsea slapped at anyone who dragged Jennifer Aniston into the drama. According to Chelsea, Jennifer didn’t have a single fuck to give about Brangelina’s demise. Chelsea recently decided to say it one more time for the people in the back who might not have heard it the first time. Chelsea was asked by UK’s You magazine (via UsWeekly) about leaping to Jennifer’s defense after the news broke of her ex-husband’s divorce. Chelsea doesn’t have to defend her friend, because there’s nothing to defend against.
“I don’t think Jen cares about what’s going on and it’s crazy that people think she does. As if she’s sitting around caring about [Angelina Jolie]. I know I don’t.”
Regardless of whether or not she cares about Brad and Angelina, she does have shit to say about them. Chelsea can’t help it; she’s the people’s mouth.
“I just say what most people are thinking.”
But of course Jennifer Aniston isn’t sitting around thinking about Angelina Jolie. She’s got better things to do, like selling body yogurt. Chelsea, on the other hand. A 98-year-old Chelsea is going to be in a Hollywood nursing home hooked up to an oxygen tank hissing “Listen, Jennifer doesn’t care that Angelina Jolie donated her mashed peas at lunch this afternoon, and neither do I.”
Here’s Jennifer Aniston in leather and her husband Justin Theroux in – prepare to be shocked – a skinny tie at the Season 3 premiere of The Leftovers in Los Angeles last night.
In “Riveting News From 2001” News, The Hollywood Reporter posted excerpts from a biography about Sherry Lansing where she talks about how much the saint formerly known as just Angelina Jolie wanted to star in the movie version of Tomb Raider. Sherry was CEO of Paramount Pictures at the time that Tomb Raider was being made and says that the producers and other executives were worried that Angie would fuck the movie up. Angie wanted it so badly that she offered to be drug tested every single day. “Oh so THAT’S where her ass got the idea from,” said Brad Pitt as he softly stroked his trusty former friend, his bong, while remembering the good times they had together.
Angelina Jolie recently did an interview with Hello (via People) to talk about her perfume gig with Guerlain. Angelina told Hello more of what we already knew: that she wasn’t taking any money from Guerlain (she’s donating it to charity), and that she had a connection to Guerlain because that’s what her late mother Marcheline Bertrand wore.
Two months ago, I’d make a joke that St. Angie Jolie is using her holy finger to point at Brad Pitt and say, “Ha, I’m with stupid.” But now, she’s using her holy finger to point at him and say, “Yeah, I’m still with stupid, but he’s stupid AND nice now.”
Up until early January, Brad and Angie were shanking at each other and trying to drag each other’s pristine reputations through a puddle of diarrhea. One was accusing the other of fucking up their children by making their custody battle so public. The other was accusing the other one of not wanting the public to learn the terrifying truth! They finally decided to take their ugliness behind closed doors. And now, sources are telling both People and E! News that Brad and Angie have gone from communicating through slam pieces on TMZ to actually talking to each other directly.
As Professor Dame St. Angie Jolie graced the brains of the peons with her knowledge at the London School of Economics, and her holy hard nipples graced the eyes of the Archbishop of Canterbury during a meeting, a sad Brad Pitt was making sad art while listening to sad songs. Future art historians will look to this period in time as the rich douche renaissance led by the masters James Franco, Shia LaBeouf and Brad Pitt!
Angelina Jolie And Brad Pitt Got Matching “Binding” Tattoos Just Months Before The Fall Of Brangelina
When a marriage is ten seconds away from sucking divorce’s dick, some couple’s try to save their relationship by renewing their vows and others grit their teeth and fuck their way to a Band-Aid baby. And then there’s St. Angie Jolie and Brad Pitt, who got matching tattoos to bind them together. Hopefully the tattoo artiste tattooed warranty information on their bodies, because they should probably get their money back.