Category: Angelina Jolie

Behold, St. Angie Jolie’s Wedding Dress Which Is Now The Most Important Religious Artifact Of All-Time

September 1, 2014 / Posted by:

Before pictures of St. Angie Jolie and Brad Pitt’s holy wedding grace the first pages of the Holy Bible, they were gracious enough to lease the pictures to People and Hello! for their final issues. I say “final issues,” because People and Hello! are going out of business since they spent all their money on this shit.

Because St. Angie Jolie and Brad Pitt are HIGHLY protective of their personal lives and are the epitome of private, they sold their wedding pictures to People and Hello! and spit out details about the dress that has surpassed Jan Crouch’s soft-serve cotton candy dump hair as history’s greatest religious artifact. St. Angie Jolie tells People that her wedding dress was designed by family friend Luigi Massi, the head tailor at Atelier Versace. If St. Angie wanted a dress that looked like it was marked “irregular” and came from the “take it, just take it for free” bin at a David’s Bridal, then it’s absolutely perfect. To make the dress even more personal, Luigi sewed drawings made by the child army into the dress and veil.

“Luigi is like family to me and I couldn’t imagine anyone else making this dress,” says Jolie. “He knows and cares for the children and it was great fun putting it together.”

She looks like she’s wearing a tablecloth from Romano’s Macaroni Grill after a bunch of kids doodled all over it with crayons. I just want to pull up a chair next to her dress and order some house wine and fettuccine alfredo. With that being said, I’m sure workers are currently removing Michelangelo’s The Creation of Adam from the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel, because they’re going to replace it with St. Angie’s dress.

And here’s Brad and St. Angie sucking face on Hello!

ange-real--z

All I see is HAAAAAAAAAAAND.

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But What About James Haven????!???

August 28, 2014 / Posted by:

Every religion issued a joint statement today saying that August 23rd is now the holiest holiday of the year (Sorry, Christmas! Sorry, Yom Kippur! Sorry, Eid al-Fitr! Sorry, Bea Arthur’s birthday!), because the holiest couple in history became husband and wife in the holiest union of the century and everybody who witnessed that blessed event has been declared a saint (“Um, but I was declared a saint as soon as I was pulled out of my mom’s bony snatch.” – Shiloh). But one trick who wasn’t declared a saint was Jon Voight, because Jon Voight wasn’t there and he found out about it when we all did. Jon Voight was being interviewed by Inside Edition this morning and the reporter talking to him told him the news that his daughter married her third husband and the only thing he had to say was, “That’s nice.” You know your daughter hates you more than she hates wearing a color that’s not black or beige when you find out about her wedding from an Inside Edition reporter. Not even Entertainment Tonight! Inside Edition!

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St. Angie Jolie And Brad Pitt Got Married In France On Saturday

August 28, 2014 / Posted by:

If you were praying to God on Saturday for whatever reason and wondering why it felt like nobody was on the other line, it’s because God was doing better things. God was busy giving away his successor at her wedding. AP spit this out on Twitter this morning:

brangelnamarried1

Okay, God and all the saints didn’t walk St. Angie down the aisle, but Maddox and Pax did, which is the next best thing. Here’s the only details we know so far. I’m sure new details will be printed into the newest edition of the Bible and the pictures will appear in stained glass form on the windows of Notre-Dame Cathedral:

Jolie and Pitt wed Saturday in a small chapel in a private ceremony attended by family and friends. In advance of the nondenominational civil ceremony, Pitt and Jolie also obtained a marriage license from a local California judge. The judge also conducted the ceremony in France.

The couple’s children took part in the wedding. Jolie walked the aisle with her eldest sons Maddox and Pax. Zahara and Vivienne threw petals. Shiloh and Knox served as ring bearers, the spokesman says.

Brad Pitt said a million years ago that he and St. Angie wouldn’t get married until everyone could get married. This means that gay marriage must be legal EVERYWHERE. Thank you, Brangelina!  Thank you!

St. Angie Jolie And Brad Pitt Write Handwritten Love Letters To Each Other

July 31, 2014 / Posted by:

While Brad Pitt was shooting Fury in England and polluting the skies above Britain with musky clouds of foreskin butter and butt jelly fumes , St. Angie Jolie was all the way in Australia directing the Louis Zamperini biopic Unbroken. You’d think that if Brad Pitt wanted to communicate with St. Angie’s ass, he’d just go to the nearest church, put his hands together and ask her assistant God to patch her through. But St. Angie tells Australia’s TV Week Magazine (via E!) that her and Brad’s love is an old-fashioned, timeless kind of love and they didn’t talk through sext messages or Skype or emails. They’d write love letters to each other and they’d role play while doing so. Angie would dip her bony finger in an inkwell and scribble out a letter to Brad as though she was an old-timey actress in the Pacific theater and he was an old-timey actor in the European theater and they weren’t modern-day famous millionaires who could make a private jet appear just by saying “I want a private jet to appear.” St. Angie is telling us this, because she wants to remind us all that they’re Romeo and Juliet if Romeo was a greasy billy goat whose potent weed farts could get a hippo stoned and if Juliet was a vampire saint who stored the youth of babies in her forehead vein. Angie spit this out by her and Brad’s ~romantic~ letter writing:

“He was supportive from a distance and it was quite romantic in a way. We decided to be of that time when we could imagine he was in the European theatre and I was in the Pacific theater and we wrote hand-written letters to each other that were very connecting for us, thinking of the people that were separated for months if not years at a time back then.”

What’s surprising is that Brad’s letters from England got to St. Angie in Australia. Brad’s 100% THC sweat probably dripped all over that letter and it’s weird that a postal worker didn’t think that something in the envelope was the good shit when their dog’s nose exploded while sniffing it. Brad can easily send a weed-soaked letter in the mail and yet I get in trouble when I try to FedEx a bag of the good shit from California to whatever hotel I’m staying at in a different state (No, I have never done that, yet).

If for whatever reason, Brangie loses their zillions, they can always get it back and then some by selling those letters. Every Brangeloonie would do and sell anything to get their hands and other parts around those letters. A rolled-up letter handwritten by St. Angie would replace that W Magazine cover as the only paper dildo they need in their life.

St. Angie Jolie Threatens To Sue The Daily Mail Over A 15-Year-Old Video Of Her “Strung Out On Heroin”

July 11, 2014 / Posted by:

St. Angie Jolie is joining George Clooney behind the handball court on the playground where they’ll both wait for The Daily Mail to walk on by so they can jump that bitch’s ass for talking shit about them. This week, The National Enquirer published stills from a 15-year-old video of a BS (before sainthood) Angelina Jolie looking like a malnourished, drowned, beat down subway rat while talking on the phone in her NYC apartment. The National Enquirer claimed that Angie Jo was “strung out” on heroin and coke and was pacing around her “drug den.” The Daily Mail posted the story and the video, and now St. Angie is reportedly coming after them for doing so. St. Angie is probably going after The Daily Mail instead of the Enquirer, because it’s easier to sue for crap like that in the UK and now that she’s a Dame she can ask THE QUEEN to destroy The Daily Mail and feed them to her Corgis.

Former NYC drug dealer Franklin Meyer sold the video to the Enquirer and he claims he shot it during one of his many visits to her apartment. Franklin says he delivered heroin and coke to her apartment three times a week and sometimes he’d watch her snort it up. During one drop off, Franklin filmed her having a riveting conversation about thrilling topics like mortgages with her dad Jon Voight. Everyone knows that before St. Angie put together her child army and became the God that God looks to for inspiration, she loved the bad shit and regularly chased the tail of a dragon. So even if the video showed her injecting heroin into her ass lips, it would still  be as shocking as a newly surfaced video of Kim Kardashian lazily sucking a black dick. But the boring video is nothing but a jacked up St. Angie pacing back and forth while having a boring conversation with her dad.

Even though the video is nothing and not really worth suing over, St. Angie is thinking about getting her lawyers to throw a lawsuit at The Daily Mail. That’s what the Times of London claims anyway. via HuffPo UK:

Angelina Jolie has reportedly begun legal action against the Daily Mail for publishing a video it claims showed her while she was addicted to heroin in the 1990s.

The newspaper suggested the footage, taken from the National Enquirer, featured a conversation between Jolie and her father Jon Voight about her brother James and late mother Marcheline Bertrand.

The Times writes Jolie is believed to regard the publication of the video as a gross violation of her privacy.

In case you missed it and care, here’s the video of a Sun-In-haired Angie in her sleazy drug den, which looks a million times nicer than most of the NYC apartments I lived in.

At first I thought that maybe St. Angie Jolie has a case, because The Daily Mail said she was strung out on heroin in the video and yes she’s got heroin hair, eyes and arms, but there’s no concrete proof. But then I got to the 1:34 mark in the video and found their concrete proof. St. Angie was obviously strung out on heroin and others kind of bad shit when this video was filmed, because nobody in their right mind would ignore a movie starring Winnie Cooper and Jonathan Brandis!

And I forgot how big cordless phones were back then. I’m surprised I never used a cordless phone antenna as a starter dildo.

“Calm Down Everyone, There’s Enough Messiah Blessings To Go Around!”

June 21, 2014 / Posted by:

St. Angie and the child army have landed in Tokyo for the Japanese premiere of Maleficent, but I get the feeling they’ll end up cancelling the whole thing, since no 90-minute movie can compete with watching the twin messiahs walk through the airport. How do you say “This is the happiest day of my life” in Japanese? I bet they heard that 89,000 times from the arrival gate to baggage claim.

I hope Pope Francis doesn’t have any long-term plans for Castle Jesus like building a moat or remodelling the kitchen, because it looks like his time in Vatican City is limited now that Knox Jolie-Pitt is old enough to walk, smile, wave, and beam rays of pure blessed light. Fortunately, Pope Francis only has to worry about losing his job to one of the messiahs; Vivienne Jolie-Pitt has no time for waving and smiling or blessing people. Besides, she’s more interested in taking over the family business by becoming a Saint, like her mother.

And for those of you questioning whether or not the chosen ones are getting a bit old to be carrying around baby blankies, those aren’t actually blankies. They’re detachable angel wings (it just makes things easier when you’re going through security).

Here’s more of the holy family gracing the lucky people of Tokyo with their flawless perfection this morning. If you live in Japan and you see everyone dumping maneki-nekos into the trash, it’s because they’re being replaced with ceramic figures of Knox waving.

Pics: Splash

The Child Army Is Obsessed With St. Angie’s Tattoos

June 14, 2014 / Posted by:

Before St. Angie puts the child army to bed after a long day of jet-setting across the globe and shopping at toy stores, she summons them all 6 of her precious angels into her bedroom, wrapping each one in a warm blanket of pure light, and gathering together on the bed for a story. And according to Us Weekly, the child army has no time for basic shit like Babar or Hop on Pop; they beg to hear the tale of how St. Angie turned her luminous skin into a magnificent inked tapestry:

“They are obsessed with her tattoos and always ask what they mean,” the insider tells Us, adding that Jolie is “happy to explain her tats to the kids.” (Among the 13 designs is an etching of the birth coordinates for each of her children, who were born all over the world, in Cambodia, Vietnam, Ethiopia, Namibia, and France.)

The source notes that Shiloh is especially fascinated by her mom’s ink. And Pax is already eager to get his own. “Angie tells him he has plenty of time,” the insider says.

The source then went on to explain that the child army aren’t as obsessed with the random assortment of messy tattoos that live on their father (the following quote may or may not have been made up by myself while staring at this picture of Brad Pitt):

Whenever the child army showers St. Angie with attention by marvelling at her tattoos, Brad will put down his bong, suck the Funyuns residue off his fingers, and pull off the sweat-stained henley he’s been wearing for 4 days to remind the kids that “Mama ain’t the only one with some sick tats, right kids?”

Typically Zahara will be the first to shout at him to put his shirt back on, followed by Shiloh demanding he take a shower (“With soap this time!”), and Pax asking his mother: “Is that really a tattoo of a mummy??? Oh my god, you truly are a saint for sticking with this guy.”

Pic: Splash

The Saint Got Dame’d

June 13, 2014 / Posted by:

Not only did St. Angie Jolie meet fellow home wrecking legend Duchess Camilla in London today (Side note: What in Little House on the Prairie cosplay HELL is Camilla wearing?), but she also got honored by THE QUEEN! St. Angie’s in London to co-host the week-long Global Summit to End Sexual Violence in Conflict and since she was there, THE QUEEN figured that she might as well throw an honor her way since God, Jesus, all the apostles, the Academy, and pretty much everybody else on Earth has already honored her. I don’t know if there was a ceremony or anything, but I doubt, because THE QUEEN would rather spend her time doing other things like watching screeners of the upcoming season of TOWIE while eating melted ice cream in her underwear.

After St. Angie was named an honorary Dame by THE QUEEN for services to UK foreign policy and campaigning to end sexual violence in war zones, she released this statement:

“To receive an honour related to foreign policy means a great deal to me, as it is what I wish to dedicate my working life to. Working on PVSI and with survivors of rape is an honour in itself. I know that succeeding in our goals will take a lifetime, and I am dedicated to it for all of mine.”

St. Angie’s not a British citizen, so she can’t be called a Dame, but like she gives a shit. She’s already got the title of SAINT!

Daniel Day-Lewis is now Sir Daniel Day-Lewis, because he was knighted. Maggie Smith and Damian Lewis were also honored.

St. Angie is already Queen of the Saints and the Moon and the Stars, so it was only a matter of time before she became a Dame (in spirit at least). But what I want to know is, where are the priorities of the people who chooses the next Dames and Sirs? I mean, how is it possible that Maggie Smith, Daniel Day-Lewis, St. Angie Jolie and dozens of others are honored by THE QUEEN and England’s greatest treasure and finest rose Jodie Marsh isn’t? Jodie Marsh should be a three-time Dame for her contribution to British elegance and grace. People should be rioting in the streets over that shit.

Here’s more pictures of St. Angie meeting Camilla and also some pictures of St. Angie and Robert Evans Brad Pitt at an End Sexual Violence in Conflict event.

Pics: Wenn.com 

That Scene In Maleficent Was A Metaphor For Rape, So Says St. Angie Jolie

June 12, 2014 / Posted by:

St. Angie Jolie is in London for the Global Summit to End Sexual Violence in Conflict and during an interview with BBC Radio’s Women’s Hour (via HuffPo), the interviewer brought up that scene (SPOILER ALERT! SPOILER ALERT! SPOILER ALERT! And just because I want to type it on more time, SPOILER ALERT!) in Maleficent where she gets roofied by the one human she trusts and wakes up to find that he cut her wings off. If that scene made you want to pull out your rape whistle and call 911, it was supposed to.

St. Angie says Maleficent’s screenwriter Linda Woolverton needed a good reason for why Maleficent, a good fairy who was always dressed like she was on her way to the red faire, would want to get revenge against the humans and curse a baby. Hey, here’s an idea, maybe Maleficent is just evil for the hell of it and she cursed that baby, because cursing babies is fun! But since it’s Disney and they had to give Maleficent a heart made of daisy petals and kitten tears or else parents wouldn’t buy her action figure for their kids at The Disney Store, they gave her a tragic backstory. St. Angie put it like this:

“The question was asked: ‘What could make a woman become so dark and lose all sense of her maternity, her womanhood, and her softness?’ Something would have to be so violent and aggressive and so of course for us, we were very conscious, the writer and I, that it was a metaphor for rape. And that this would be the thing that would make her lose sight of that. And then at a certain point, the question of the story is ‘what could bring her back?’ And again it is an extreme Disney, fun version of it, but at the core it is abuse, and how the abused then have a choice of abusing others or overcoming and remaining loving, open people.”

Okay, but when is St. Angie going to explain her and Sharlto Copley’s tragic accents?

Linda Woolverton might’ve gotten the rape metaphor idea from the original Sleeping Beauty. In the original Sleeping Beauty fairytale, Sleeping Beauty gets raped by the prince while she’s in a curse coma, gets knocked up with twins and the feeling of twins coming out of her wakes her up. It’s the perfect bedtime story to read to your kids!

Since Maleficent put a mountain of money in Disney’s pockets, they’re also doing another Cruella de Vil movie and Cinderella comes out next year. So I’m guessing that in Cinderella, the evil stepmother becomes an evil bitch of a mess who hates Cinderella after she gets raped by a group of maids. And in the Cruella de Vil movie, Cruella de Vil becomes a puppy-hating demon after she gets raped by a bunch of Dalmatian puppies. Etc.. etc…

And here’s St. Angie and pimp-looking ass Brad Pitt at an exhibit at the End Sexual Violence in Conflict conference today.

 

Pics: Wenn.com

Brad Pitt Got Punched In The Face At The Maleficent Premiere Last Night

May 29, 2014 / Posted by:

And the SHOCKING TWIST is that it wasn’t Chelsea Handler during another one of her drunken, vodka-fueled rages.

Vitalii Sediuk is that 25-year-old Ukrainian “comedian” and “prankster” (see: terror of Hollywood and overall asshole mess) who’s known for pulling all sorts of acts of fuckery like trying to suck Will Smith’s face on the red carpet, crawling up Ugly Betty’s dress at Cannes, giving Bradley Cooper a dry blow job, grabbing Leonardo DiCatchAHo’s down low parts, giving everyone a Ukrainian pube show at the Met Gala and crashing the stage at the Grammys during Adele’s speech. Well, for his latest STUNT QUEEN stunt, Vitalii jumped over a barrier at the Maleficent premiere in Hollywood last night and reportedly punched the patriarch of America’s most important holy family right in the face.

Just Jared says that Brad let the spirit of Tyler Durden take over his body and he punched that bitch back. Brad’s security and the police jumped on Vitalii and he was arrested and charged with battery. He’s currently being held on $20,000 bail. It’s a good thing that Brad Pitt sucked down all those joints in the car, because his face was probably so numb that he didn’t feel a thing. He shook it off and kept signing autographs and posing with St. Angie Jolie and her gown made by Hefty.

RIP Vitalii Sediuk. Because he fucked with the wrong bitches this time. Sometime today, St. Angie’s minions will ask the LAPD to hand that motherfucker over to them. Then they’ll throw Vitalii in the child army’s playroom before saying, “May God be with you,” and locking the door. After about 2 hours of suffering through the child army’s screeches, SpongeBob blasting in the background and the Chosen Ones throwing Cheetos at him, he’ll scream for mercy and ask for a quick death. Then St. Angie will appear in a cloud of green smoke and say, “Death is too good for you, carry on, my children!” Bitch is done.

Pics: Splash

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