Around the same time that Twitter turned into an ocean of #THETERRORISTHAVEWON hashtags after Sony killed and cremated The Interview, Defamer posted leaked emails between St. Angie Jolie, Amy Pascal and Hollywood’s greatest super villain Scott Rudin about the inevitable turd that is the Cleopatra movie. Up in Heaven, Elizabeth Taylor is looking down at those simpletons while thinking to herself, “Nobody ruined Cleopatra the way that I ruined Cleopatra, but nice try, bitches.”
The e-mails that Defamer threw up yesterday are follow-ups to the legendary, cuntastic, hacked e-mails where Scott Rudin called Angie a “minimally talented spoiled brat” and told Amy Pascal that Cleopatra was going to be an epic flop that would make them the laughing stock of Hollywood. Little did Scott know that the e-mail he was writing would become laugh fuel. In the new e-mails from February 2014 and beyond, the three of them fuss over the choice of director, the script, the look, the wigs and at one point they discuss filming Shakespeare’s Antony and Cleopatra instead. I wish they would’ve gone with that last idea, because Angie doing Shakespeare would be a Razzie-worthy extravaganza that would bring tears of happiness to my eyes.
I didn’t have access to a computer till I was 13-years-old, and the first thing I did when I got one was spend all day playing You Don’t Know Jack and lighting characters on fire in The Sims, so I have no idea what it’s like to be a curious kid on the internet. But it sounds like St. Angie’s is afraid her Lil’ Angels might be the curious types, because she tells People that the child army has a cyber security team who monitor their activity online. Even though Angelina is perfect in every way, she says she’s “old school” when it comes to technology, so she and Brad Pitt hired people to make sure nobody is searching “Drawing of boobs life-like” or “Make bomb using crayon wax how?“.
“It’s a scary new world,” the star says. “It’s so beyond what we understand. We wouldn’t even know what to look for.”
She also says she’s glad the kind of technology the child army has access to today wasn’t around when she was younger, saying “I got in enough trouble. It just would have been very documented.” Oh, like this?
St. Angie and Brad’s kids are still fairly young, so it makes sense to keep an eye on what they’re looking at online. The internet can be a scary place! Can you even imagine how traumatic it would be if one of them started snooping around unsupervised on the internet and found out that St. Angie is a minimally-talented spoiled brat instead of a delicate wisp of pure light sent from Heaven?
Since St. Angie will be soaking in a calamine lotion bath until she finally gives in and uses her saintly powers to perform a miracle on herself and cure her chicken pox, someone had to go to the Unbroken premiere in Hollywood last night and represent the First Family of Heaven. I guess the twin messiahs were busy teaching the sun to shine brighter and that fierce HBIC in training Zahara couldn’t be bothered leaving the giant diamond she sleeps on, because St. Angie’s replacements were Brad Pitt, Pax Jolie-Pitt, Shiloh Jolie-Pitt, and OG Maddox Jolie-Pitt. And they all dressed in matching suits! Well, all of them except for Brad, who decided to fuck a shirt and tie and went for the sleazy aging club promoter look with a wide-neck black t-shirt and gold chain instead. And what is with Brad and those damn sunglasses? Bitch, you ain’t Bono!
Personally, I think it’s adorable that St. Angie’s Lil’ Angels all wore matching suits. They look like at any moment, they’re going to leave the red carpet and take their golden chariot to the suburbs and spend the rest of the evening ringing people’s doorbells and asking them if they’ve accepted St. Angie as their skinny-armed lord and savior. Meanwhile, Brad looks like he’s about to bum $100 off Maddox so he can “split” and head for the Pink Taco on Sunset for some “taco nachos”. And no, that’s not a euphemism; he’s high as hell and wants $100 worth of shitty nachos.
Here’s more of The Heart Family of Heaven, as well as Brapi’s parents, and everyone else at the Unbroken premiere:
God’s protégée is not having a good December. First, we all find out that Hollywood’s super cunt Scott Rudin thinks St. Angie Jolie is a “minimally talented spoiled brat” with an ego bigger than her signature forehead vein. Then her movie gets completely shut out of the Golden Globes and now she’s come down with a case of the Chickenpox at the age of 39. Every chicken on earth is looking for a place to hide, because they know they’re going to pay for this. Universal Pictures uploaded a video of St. Angie announcing that she’s had to cancel all her press shit for Unbroken for the next few days, because she’ll be too busy patting her itchy spots before bathing in Caladryl.
This doesn’t make any sense. Only mere mortals get Chickenpox. Angie obviously made her child army draw bumps on her body with a red Sharpie and this is all just a stunt for her to get sympathy after the shit week she’s had. I see you, St. Angie. I also feel you, St. Angie, because that video gave me the itches and no, it’s not crabs (I think).
And somewhere in Hollywood, a look that says “Oh shit, she got me” covers Amy Pascal’s face right after a field of itchy bumps magically appears on her arm. The saint always gets her revenge! You’re next, Scott Rudin!
Last night, this picture of the benevolent earth God St. Angie Jolie shooting glares of hot ice into the skin of Amy Pascal made the rounds. The picture was taken at The Hollywood Reporter’s Women in Entertainment Breakfast on Wednesday, a day after the Sony Hack delivered us a digital gift in the form of Scott Rudin calling St. Angie Jolie a “minimally talented spoiled brat” during a fight with Amy about David Fincher directing the Steve Jobs biopic. I love it when St. Angie Jolie’s golden halo turns into a ring of fire and she has to fight the urge to tear a trick apart with her vampire dragon claws.
Scott Rudin is the one who did all of the saint bashing in those e-mails and Amy sort of kind of defended St. Angie. So I’m guessing that in that picture, Amy is doing some serious saint ass sucking by saying, “Don’t listen to that goat-footed wheezy old queen. Cleopatra is going to be a worldwide billion dollar extravaganza masterpiece and the world’s supply of gold will run out because the Academy will have to invent new categories just so they can give you as many Oscars as possible. By the way, let me get you a screener for Exodus. You must want to see that movie since it’s about Gods and you’re a God and all.” Meanwhile, St. Angie is wondering why this peon is holding her like that and isn’t on her knees kissing her hooves.
But we all know who the true star of that picture is:
Giving me Charlize as Aileen Wuornos sans all the dirtiness, craziness and killer stuff. That lady is the tattle tale sibling of a brat who just got in trouble for not acting right. That look says: “Ooooh, you’re about to get whooped and I’m here for the show.”
In more Sony Hack news, The Daily Beast says the hack has revealed what Jennifer Lawrence’s email is and what Brad Pitt signs some of his emails with:
Without giving the actual email handles away (they’re all followed by various other characters), these A-list stars have some seriously great email addresses. Lawrence’s is “peanutbutt,” and Pitt’s is a bizarre alias “_____ Phizz.” Furthermore, Pitt sometimes signs his emails “B P McWee.”
I’m telling myself that blank space in Brad Pitt’s alias is “Jizz” Peanutbutt, JizzPhizz and BP McWee… The Sony Hack has confirmed that on the inside, every Hollywood power type is a 13-year-old suburban boy who wants to be a rapper.
Pics: AP, Splash
Christmas has come early! It feels weird saying that since there’s Angie-bashing in this post and she’s Jesus Christ’s godmother.
As most of you know, Sony was hacked and some say it was North Korea because they’re pissed about that Seth Rogen/James Franco movie The Interview. The hackers reportedly demanded that the movie be pulled. North Korea denied hacking Sony. So far, the hackers released screeners of movies that aren’t out yet, the salaries of their executives, the aliases some celebrities use and much more. But today, the Sony hack delivered a real gift.
Defamer posted a bunch of emails mostly between Sony co-chairman Amy Pascal and producer (and noted mega-asshole) Scott Rudin about the Steve Jobs biopic Jobs. No, not that straight-to-the-Red-Box-clearance-bin Steve Jobs biopic starring wet tampon Ashton Kutcher. There’s a new Steve Jobs biopic written by Aaron Sorkin. It started off at Sony with Christian Bale starring and David Fincher directing, but after some messiness it ended up at Universal with Michael Fassbender starring and Danny Boyle directing. The e-mails go back to February 2014 and document the nightmare journey to make Jobs happen. In the earlier emails, Amy and Scott fight about David Fincher directing Jobs.
Scott, who is producing Jobs, wanted David Fincher for the movie, but St. Angie Jolie was making it hard for him. St. Angie didn’t want Fincher to do Jobs, because she wanted him to direct her in Cleopatra, which Scott Rudin is also producing (but probably not anymore). Scott wanted Amy to tell St. Angie that she can’t have Fincher. In an e-mail to Amy on February 27th, Scott goes full-on with the Angie bashing and it starts with a Kanye-approved ALL-CAPS demand:
Shades of Jennifer Lawrence’s mob of crazy fans were painted outside of The Daily Show in NYC last night when autograph seekers and Brangeloonies lost their minds over being close to Dame St. Angie Jolie. It’s like they were Black Friday shoppers and she was a 20% flat-screen TV.
If you really want your ear holes to be stabbed with the sound of paps and Brangeloonies screaming for their idol, click here to see and hear the video. Jesus has postponed his second coming, because he know he won’t ever get a reaction like that and that would be really embarrassing for him. St. Angie’s four bodyguards tried to keep the craziness back, but at one point the craziness got event crazier and one of her fans complained about having a panic attack. TMZ says that St. Angie heard her loyal subject’s cries of panic and commanded her bodyguards to save the woman. Once the disciple in a wolf hat was pulled to safety, St. Angie soothed her nerves, signed an autograph and took a selfie with her. The woman in the wolf hat was later heard telling her friends, “Now I know how Peter felt when Jesus saved him!”
I know most of you shameless hussy whores don’t go to church, but if you do go to church this weekend for some reason and wonder why all the bibles are missing from the pew pockets, there’s a good explanation. Every bible from every church has been removed and will be put back once this story of St. Angie’s tale of saintly selflessness is added to it.
Before St. Angie rescued one of her fans from the pits of crazy, she sat down with Jon Stewart. Jon Stewart, who was in Playing By Heart with her, pretty much revealed himself as the captain of the Manhattan chapter of Brangeloonies by slobbering out words of praise about her and flirting with her hard. Jon ended their interview by saying, “I gotta tell you from the moment I met you, it’s got to be 20 years ago, [I said to myself] ‘This person has talent coming out of all different areas.‘” St. Angie just giggled and batted her eyes at him.
Well, there goes Jon Stewart’s marriage of 14 years. St. Angie can wreck a home just with the bat of an eye. That legendary home wrecker.
During an interview with Australia’s Today Show (via Daily Mail), Dame St. Angie spoke about her and Brad Pitt’s upcoming film/gift to the Brangeloonies, By The Sea, and admitted that some of the other angels in Heaven questioned whether or not it was a good idea for her to direct and star with her new husband in a movie about a couple who’s marriage is in a bad way:
“We haven’t acted together for ten years, so we decided we would do it again and we did a very small drama about family, about marriage in fact. We did a drama about a bad marriage. A lot of friends of ours thought is was a really…they didn’t say a bad idea, but they asked us a few times if we were sure we wanted to do that.”
I guess the angels were afraid of an art-imitating-life situation where playing an on-screen couple whose marriage is in the toilet might kill their own marriage and causing the universe to explode. Those angels – so thoughtful. But they should know that Dame St. Angie would never do anything that would put her marriage to soap’s nemesis Brad Pitt in trouble; even if the movie did kill their marriage, she has the power to perform miracles and bring it back to life, remember? Silly angels, it’s St. Angie we’re talking about.
And here’s Heaven’s Ambassador to Earth, Our Lady of Perpetual Cheekbones Dame St. Angie of the People at the photo call for the other movie she directed, Unbroken, in Berlin. Someone should tell DSt.A that just because she’s in Berlin doesn’t mean she has to dress like Dieter from Sprockets.
Sleepy-voiced grandpa Tom Brokaw must have some pull with God, because he was recently given the honor of sitting down with Heaven’s Ambassador to Earth Dame St. Angelina Jolie for an interview for the TODAY show. No, it’s actually because he’s making a documentary with her about the making of her film Unbroken (working title: Unbroken: The Story of St. Angie’s Twig-Like Arms).
And speaking of grandpas, Tom opens the interview by asking Angie a point-blank question about her marriage to human drug rug Brad Pitt, specifically if anything has changed since they made it legal. This is where I thought DSt.A was going to hiss “Well, we’ve started having more smoke-filled fights on a fancy balconies, for one thing” but she says the only thing that’s really changed is that she’s still trying to get used to being a wife.
“I think we have more moments where I say, ‘I’m going to be a better wife! I’m going to learn to cook,’ and he says, ‘Oh honey, know what you’re good at, know what you’re not.’ He knows my limitations and where I’m a good wife and a good mom.”
Oh, how sweet of Dame St. Angie to pretend she’s bad at something! That’s really very kind of her to act like she doesn’t wake up every morning on a bed of baby angel wings, float down the stairs of Château du Cheekbones, perform a series of breakfast miracles like turning water into freshly-squeezed orange juice and poaching eggs with the warmth of her heart, then chuckling a lighthearted laugh when Brad shuffles into the kitchen, bypasses the beautiful spread she’s created, and pours milk directly into a box of Lucky Charms.
And here’s Dame St. Angie of the People at the UK premiere of Unbroken looking like a skinny alien clone of Kate Middleton.
A few hours before this picture of Dame St. Angie Jolie saying to Brad Pitt, “Bitch, wipe that smirk off of your face and take your bitch ass outside in 5, because I’m not done with you,” was taken, a paparazzo took pictures of the Jesus and Mary of our time having a fight on the balcony of their hotel in Sydney. Please, we all know those two are perfect messiahs who only know how to spread love and peace. That fight was obviously staged to make them look human. What’s next? Leaked pictures of the supposed turd St. Angie dropped in a public toilet to make us think she actually shits?
The Australian tabloid Woman’s Day (via ONTD) put the pictures in a riveting video set to some weird song they bought for cheap. Woman’s Day says that St. Angie and Brad busted out a balcony tussle just hours after they reunited in Sydney. They obviously weren’t over their fight, because some source says that at the Unbroken premiere that night, they were as stiff as the chonies Brad Pitt hasn’t taken off for 3 weeks.
Brad, 50, downed a Crown Lager at the early hour of 10am and the pair were both seen clutching cigarettes as their intense discussion raged on. Industry insiders tell Woman’s Day that the tensions could be down to Ange’s hectic workload in the past year.
By 6pm that same day, Brad and Ange had pasted on happy smiles for the cameras as their first red-carpet event as a married couple and greeted a throng of fans on the way to Sydney’s State Theatre.
Despite arriving together in a black Land Rover, they barely looked at each other at the event –Brad busied himself signing autographs, while Ange focused on speaking to the assembled media on the other side of the road.
The video with the pictures in it is here. Because Brad has his arms wide open, it sort of looks like they’re playing a really boring 2-ho game of charades and he’s trying to describe Kim Kartrashian’s ass on Paper Magazine. The pictures are pretty suspect, though. I mean, did the pap wear a gas mask, because it’s weird that they didn’t drop their camera and pass out on the ground after Brad Pitt released a toxic BO smoke monster by lifting up his arms. And of course that’s not nicotine St. Angie’s inhaling. It’s the dried blood of virgins. She smokes it to recharges her powers.
I can’t wait to see these pictures on the cover of Star over the words, “Brangelina Have NUCLEAR Fight After Brad Gets Caught Texting A Heart Emoji To Jen!”
Here’s St. Angie taking Zahara and Shiloh to buy art supplies in NYC over the weekend.