One second after that picture was taken, there were no lemons on that tree and the basket was filled with nothing but lemon bits and juice because they all busted from being so close to the goth sexiness of Cher!
The London premiere of Mamma Mia! Here We Go Making An Unneeded Sequel For A Check went down today, and while one of the movie’s main stars, Lily James, wore a damn ball gown (somebody tell her she ain’t Cinderella for real), the REAL star of the movie, Cher, didn’t even try, because she doesn’t need to. She’s Cher, bitch! (copyright: Chad Michaels) While looking like Kat Von D’s dream wedding officiant, Cher proved to the young hos that she doesn’t need to put on some brand new couture gown to kill bitches. Cher pulled one of her old Witches of Eastwick costumes out of storage, dusted it off a bit and threw it on her body as her hair people took the Hot Sticks out of her mane. And even while working an old rag, Cher still outshined them all.
I mean, even Meryl Streep knew that there’s no point in even trying when Cher’s going to be there, which is why she dressed like a late-80s New England high school substitute drama teacher. But then again even if Cher wasn’t there, Meryl would still have dressed like a late-80s New England high school substitute drama teacher.
Tonight is the Met Gala, when stars and dirt stars squeeze themselves into a $30,000 gown that doesn’t go with the theme to bow down to Anna Wintour as she sacrifices interns to fulfill her yearly contract with Satan (that’s what happens there, right?). But I don’t even know why Anna didn’t announce today that this year’s Met Gala is canceled, because the real fashion event of May went down in Westwood, CA yesterday at the premiere of the mess of a movie my mom wants me to take her to on Mother’s Day.
Jane Fonda, Candice Bergen, Diane Keaton, and Mary Steenburgen all brought the glamour to the red carpet of Book Club. Jane Fonda showed up looking like a Mary Kay regional manager who just naturally smells like Shalimar perfume and could easily fuck your dad if she wanted to. Candice Bergen showed up with a look that was Snow White down below (see: her Gucci sweater) and Evil Queen up top (see: those snatched-in-the-name-of-evil brows). Diane Keaton showed up looking like Madam Mim going to a sock hop in the 90s. And Mary Steenburgen wore some boring shit but made up for it by accessorizing her dress with a tall drink of silver named Ted Danson.
And now if you’ll excuse me I need to ask Google, “Is my mom forcing me to take her to a Fifty Shades of Shit propaganda film grounds for a quickie emancipation?”