Because Halloween is nothing if not a perfect opportunity to use your daughter as a prop in hopes of scoring brownie points with the fashion world, mother of the decade Kim Kardashian pulled her favorite fashion accessory out of the skunk costume she was originally wearing (skunks are so 5 minutes ago) and threw on a black satin throw pillow cover so that North West could be the André Leon Talley to her Anna Wintour. Kim’s partners in blatant kiss-assery are her makeup artist and her son, who look about as thrilled as North West to be dressed as Grace Coddington and Karl Lagerfeld. Not pictured: Kim’s current husband Kanye West, who was dressed as the most important fashion designer of all time, Kanye West.
Those poor babies – they want nothing to do with this mess! That Karl baby appears to be making a break for it (good for you, Baby Karl!), and you know North would do the same if it weren’t for Kim klutching on to her with that klassic Kardashian iron pimp grip. Even Kim’s friend appears to be going to her happy place. But Kim is living for that Anna Wintour costume, which is crazy because this has got to be the first Halloween in hooker history that she hasn’t worn something that shows off every inch of her silicone-stuffed ass.
Oh wait. It appears I spoke too soon.
Of course Kim couldn’t go a whole Halloween without stuffing 30lbs of ass into 5lbs of spandex. Shortly after Kim got a good picture of herself dressed up as the editor-in-chief of VOGUE for Instagram, she handed North off to the nannies and got her Slutoween on by dressing up as a dead-eyed hooker skeleton. Only Kim could make a skeleton costume look skanky. But her costume does make total sense – Kim is famous for getting boned, after all.
Because I’m forever a 12-year-old who sits in the green round table in the dark part of the cafeteria laughing at hos picking their noses and farting, this video of Grimace’s fabulous cousin Andre Leon Talley touching Kim Kartrashian after finger fucking a goodie out of his nose took me up, up, up and away. At the annual event where rich celebwhores parade around in fancy designer gowns so that us peasants can laugh and point at how busted some of them look, the Duchess of Vogue Andre Leon Talley sat on his throne at the top of the stairs of and talked to some of the hos there. When hallowed-out mannequin and esteemed Professor of Racism Studies Kohler Kartrashian slithered up to ALT’s throne at the Met Gala, they talked about dumb shit like what kind of dress she’s going to wear to her pre-divorce ceremony to Kanye West (SPOILER ALERT: She’s going to wear a dress with Kanye’s face on it since that’s the only way Pimp Mama Kris can keep him at the altar). When ALT summons Kanye over and Kim turns her head, that’s when the beautiful magic happens. ALT tries to be slick when he digs up into his nose. They more make stupid small talk and then ALT makes the moment even more beautiful when he touches Kim and shakes Kanye’s hand with the hand he touched his nose dingles with.
Sure, one of ALT’s minions could’ve wipe down his schnoz-digging finger with a silk napkin and Puréll (it’s like Purell, but it’s from France), but it’s better for you, it’s better for me and it’s better for everyone if we choose to believe that he wiped his nose shit on Kim and Kanye. Wipe that snot juice on Kleenex Kardashian, Andre! But whatever, Kim and Kanye wouldn’t mind. It’s not like that’s the first time (or the billionth) that they’ve had man goo smeared on them.
And here’s Lucifer’s hardest-whoring minion dressed up like a lady pastor from the early 70s at USC Shoah Foundation’s 20th Anniversary Gala with Yevnige Salibian who is obviously trying to ignore the skankness behind her.
Just typing the name “Andre Leon Talley” makes my b-hole tingle and poot out a silk taffeta ribbon, but he tells Vanity Fair (via Towleroad) that contrary to those Republican First Lady loafers on his feets, he is not gay. Most assumed that Andre Leon Talley is gayer than me belting out “Defying Gravity” from Wicked while waiting to buy a Mint Oreo Blizzard at a Dairy Queen drive-thru, but he doesn’t put any labels on himself. He’s had very, very gay experiences (like posing in that picture above), but he doesn’t consider himself strictly dickly. ALT says that he’s only been in love with two humans and they both had vaginas. Once you finish picking your blown mind up from across the room, read what ALT had to say after Vanity Fair asked him if he ever thought he was gay, even in high school:
“No, no, no. I was just into my magazines and the drawings. I had a very strict upbringing, almost puritanical. I lived there all the way through college. I was in my grandmother’s house, and I respected that!”
[I have] had very gay experiences, yes, I swear on my grandmother’s grave that I never slept with a single designer in my life. Never, ever desired, never was asked, never was approached, never, ever bought, in my entire career. Never. Not one. Skinny or fat. Never.
I just said to a friend, ‘I can create this magic, so why don’t I have a lover?’ [But] if I was a couple, I wouldn’t like to stay in the same bedroom. It is very un-chic in Europe to sleep in the same bedroom.”
Very un-chic in Europe to sleep in the same bedroom?! I always knew Andre Leon Talley was the spirit of an 80-year-old Austrian countess circa 1899 trapped in the body of a big, American black man. But ALT pretty much being a-sexual makes a whole lot of sense. Because bumping bare fuck parts with another human is totally overrated when you’re Andre Leon Talley and can cream out your orifices by twirling around in a geisha graduation robe.
When Oprah interviewed Paula Deen for Oprah’s Next Chapter last year, she stayed in the Deen family “guest house” in Georgia and now she knows why the “guest house” was actually a shack in the backyard and why there was an Aunt Jemima costume and a dinner bell lying on her cot. The Mighty O got to know Paula Deen, so at last night’s premiere of Lee Daniels’ The Butler in NYC, everybody with a mic asked her about it. Oprah recently said no friend of hers will ever use the n-word around her, so I’m surprised she didn’t tell reporters, “Paula who? Oh, you mean the Miss Millie whose company I’m going to buy with my play money and DESTROY just for fun?” Oprah told Entertainment Tonight that Paula is not the first white woman to use the n-word and also said that she tried to call Paula’s ass.
“In the very first days I tried to reach her and then I decided to stay out of it as I saw it blowing up. In time she will be fine. For me, it all just felt kind of sad.
Nobody in their right mind is going to call me the N-word. You know, you see those fools on Twitter sometime say ridiculous things. But nobody in their right mind is going to do that to my face, because true racism is being able to have power over somebody else. So that doesn’t happen to me that way.”
That’s Oprah’s way of saying, “I’m God, bitch,” and it’s also Oprah’s way of telling Squeak to come call her a “field nigger” to her face, because she really wants to tit pound that bitch through all the layers of the Earth into Hell.
Here’s more of FroPrah and Ted Head Stedman at last night’s The Butler premiere. I also threw in a bunch of pictures of other hos there including Mimi who showed up wearing a sling that can double as a studded fisting glove.
This is what it would look like if Madame Maxime and Hagrid got really drunk and high one night and accidentally drank a potion, which turned her into a soulless, regular-sized Death Eater and him into a gay, beardless giant. What’s even more terrifying are those twin pillars of vomit on Andre Leon Talley’s hooves. ALT probably thought that he was fancying up those dark-sided Lucifer boots by monogramming his initials onto them. Nice try, Gay Hagrid, but a monogrammed pile of nut-embedded hyena shit is still a pile of nut-embedded hyena shit.
Actually, monogramming them is worse, because it’s telling the world that you’re claiming those horrifying boots made from the intestines of Satan’s slaves. If they weren’t monogrammed, ALT could say that the Illuminati kidnapped his entire family and made him spread the evil by wearing those UGGs. I might believe that story. But the fact that his initials are on them tells me that he’s actually proud to wear the Ninth Circle’s boot of choice. I barely even noticed ALT’s purple silk pajama pants and the oversized Christmas tree skirt on his body, which shows you the evil power of UGGs. And Anna Wintour is smirking, which means she’s totally in on it. Evil whores, the both of them.
You better cleanse your screen with holy water wipes as soon as you click away from this mess.
And here’s others at The Great Gatsby premiere in NYC last night. They’re all unholy bitches for not throwing holy water at ALT’s UGGs when they had the chance. In order: Leonardo DiCatchAHo, Carey Mulligan, Isla Fisher, Florence Welch, Tobey Maguire with his wife (the hell kind of toddler church outfit is she wearing?), Baz Luhrmann with Catherine Martin, Jay-Z, Anjelica Huston, Martha Stewart (wearing her favorite sequined capri leggings) and Joel Edgerton.
Andre Leon Talley is the most influential person in the fashion world (as Tyra Banks tells us every single week on America’s Next Top Model) and he really didn’t disappoint at last night’s MET Costume Gala last night when he floated onto the red carpet like the ethereal gay dream version of some University’s mascot. You can tell that when his farts billow through that gown, they smell like blueberries dipped in melted grape chapstick. When ALT is done with that old gown, he can donate it to the entire graduating class (EVERY SCHOOL) of 2011! There’s room in there for all of them.
The Vixen of Vogue wasn’t the only trick who served scalding hot fuckery on a plate of fuckery last night. There were others who made it their night’s goal to summon a wave of WTF faces from the photographers. They would not let ALT be the only one. No, they would not!
Wednesday Addams snatched this shit from the rack marked “Morticia’s freakum dresses” in The Addams Family costume closet many years ago and she’s been waiting for the day to wear it.
Kate Hudson’s dress is pretty normal, but that crap on her head looks like a rhinestone sea urchin that crawled out of Andre Leon’s Talley’s glitter hole and found a new home on her hair.
Ashley Olsen brings us the news that Brenda Walsh’s prom dress moved to Switzerland and got a morning job as a milk maid.
Christina Hendricks… Christina Hendricks… Christina Hendricks… I’m just going to focus on the beautiful pair of sunrise chichis and then move right along before I get rust poisoning.
A slew of ICANTS go to Fuggie Fug, Freida Pinto, Kristen Stewart, Marc Jacobs, Robert Duffy and Serena Williams (who thinks she’s at a HoJo’s Royal Wedding party).
Lastly, I can’t say one mean thing about Basement Baby’s look. Beyonce accidentally left a bag of Cost Plus impulse buys in front of the basement door and Solange made a DRESS out of them. Not a dress, but a DRESS! No comment on the make-up which makes her look like a constipated lady bug.