Category: Anal Is Like The First Kiss

Open Post: Hosted By Dakota Johnson Pitching Butt Plugs For Stocking Stuffers

November 10, 2021 / Posted by:

Dakota Johnson has an idea for a stocking stuffer and it involves stuffing your ass. Dakota recently joined sexual wellness brand, Maude, as a co-creative director and investor last year, and this year the company has come out with a perfect holiday gift for your friends and family: A BUTT PLUG. So it looks like when you have sex with Chris Martin, you suddenly become obsessed with dildos and ass plugs. Too easy, too easy.

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Every Kiss Begins With Kay, Every Fart Begins With….

September 25, 2014 / Posted by:

Many celebrity marriages end up in the shit can, so Bear Grylls’ proposal to his wife was especially poetic. Bear redefined the art of the proposal when he asked his now wife of 14 years Shara Knight (that would make a hot drag name, by the way) to marry him right after he pulled a ring from between his ass cheeks. Milk, milk, lemonade, around the corner chocolate diamonds are made. Bear told the tale of raw romance during an interview on the BBC’s Piers Morgan’s Life Stories (via Uproxx) last week. Bear shared the story with Piers, because Piers pulls a lot of shit out of his ass, so Bear thought he would appreciate it.

Bear said that while skinny dipping in an ocean somewhere, he took Shara’s hand and as her heart skipped a beat, he farted out her engagement ring.

“I pulled out the ring from my butt cheeks. She was standing there going, ‘What are you doing?’ She was in a towel and a massive Atlantic roller came and I went, ‘Will you…’ — and it went — took me up to the beach. I had all the seaweed and I was spinning around. So I tried it again and in this sort of moment of heavy sedation she said yes.”

Beautiful. That’s kind of how John Travolta’s proposal to Kelly Preston went, except he “accidentally” swallowed the ring if you know what I mean.

When Bear presented Shara with that butt diamond, she held her breath and only because she didn’t want to heave while thinking to herself, “I really hope that’s a funny-looking, dull canary diamond and not a piece of corn. I mean, we did have grilled corn on the cob for lunch.” Shara said yes of course, because any man whose ass cheeks can hold onto a ring while he swims in the ocean is the man for her. Jake Gyllenhaal is probably making a sad face right now. Jake kept his hands between Bear’s butt cheeks (butt cheeks are nature’s hand warmer) to stay warm as they filmed that episode in the cold together and he didn’t pull out a ring. He feels so cheated.

And after Shara slipped on that ring (which I’m guessing either came from Fartier, Hairy Shitstain, Tiffany & Poo or Buttgari), she and Bear toasted to their future with crystal flutes full of some funny-smelling bubbly.

 

Why The Devil Loves Anal By Former Gay Porn Star Joseph Sciambra

January 3, 2013 / Posted by:

Joseph Sciambra is a former “gay porn star” and I put that in quotes, because I’d like to think I’ve seen a lot of gay porn and I’ve never seen Joseph Sciambra before. I guess he’d have to bend over and wiggle his stitched up sphincter for me to recognize him. Joseph used to be a butt sex-loving porn star and his ass canal was a birthing slide for demon entities, but now he’s a Christian and speaks out against the dark-sidedness of ass sex on his website (which is a treasure in itself).

While sitting in what looks like the gift shop at The Holy Land Experience, Joseph tells us that butt holes were not designed to eat penises (Side note to Joseph: Try telling that to my b-hole.) and he believe he birthed out a demon through his ass. I don’t think that was a demon. I think it was a lube-covered raisin, which looks and smells like a sadistic demon, so it’s an easy mistake. Stuart Smalley’s fashion icon then says that butt birthing out Rosemary’s baby’s twin fucked up his anus so bad that he had to get his sphincter stitched shut.

I know some of you are probably thinking that the doctor should’ve stitched up the sphincter on his face instead of the sphincter on his ass, but I disagree. Some of what comes out of his mouth is gold:

“Jenna Jameson never did anal onscreen.”

“Anal sex creates a doorway into the demonic supernatural.”

“Anal has become the first kiss.” 

I just want to buy a bunch of sphincter-shaped pillows and stitch (pun intended) those phrases onto every single one of them. And this does explain why every time I get ready to have butt sex, my piece hisses in horror, throws holy water at my ass and makes the sign of the cross while running out the door.

via Towleroad

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